Original work by: Bookshire Draftwood.
Short by: Glen Finnian.
MiSTed by: John Berry.
Created on: Monday, 01 December 1997.
Added on: Wednesday, 06 August 2008.
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Rated 7.83 with standard deviation 1.07 on 6
evaluations.
This MSTing's host segments continue where the MSTing of Tricks of the Trade
left off (http://pinky.wtower.com/cgi-bin/mstdisplay/tricks_trade.1.JB.txt).
For you lazy-butts out there (it's a joke; don't hit), here's a brief
summary of my last MSTing's host segments: The Widowmaker lands on the
planet of that Sega mascot, Sonic. Neither party is too pleased until the
Sonic group decides to send Mike and the robots nothing but bad Sonic
fanfics (until Mike blows up this planet). But Sonic & Co. are a bit biased
against the non-furry Pearl. That about sums it up. Now be afraid.
[Season 8 theme]
[SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk]
[Crow and Tom, left to right respectively.]
TOM: Hmmm, true, true. But there are so many other foods he couldn't enjoy,
such as bananas, or the lovely fresh taste of real lemonade.
CROW: Unless it was pink.
TOM: Also true.
[Enter Mike]
MIKE: Howdy, y'all, I'm Mike and welcome to the Satellite of Love. We are
currently orbiting the planet Mobius inhabited by Sonic the Hedgehog
and his friends in some lame attempt at a cross-over. Behind me are
Thomas W. Servo and Crotus T. Robot, who are... um... what're you
doing, anywho?
TOM: Isn't it obvious?
CROW: [Stage whisper to Tom] You hafta explain everything to this guy.
TOM: Well, Mike, you know how the Green Lantern is vulnerable to everything
yellow? Of course you do. Anyway, Crow and I were discussing what
simple common-day things he would have to miss out on.
MIKE: You mean like attacking Crow.
TOM: Don't let's start this again.
CROW: Exactly, Mike. Now, if you're a good boy, you may join this
conversation.
MIKE: Why, I'd be delighted, good sir.
CROW: So, Tom, let's just cut out that part about food; it's too broad.
TOM: Agreed. Hmm...
CROW: Well, he'd be limited to dating brunettes and red-heads.
TOM: Yeah, and if he ever *did* find the "special someone," he'd have to
buy a really cheap ring that already turned itself green.
MIKE: Speaking of which, I doubt they'd be able to take a cab to their
honeymoon.
TOM: Very good. But I'd doubt he'd be able to use the road, period.
CROW: Yellow stripe down the middle...
TOM: Yield signs...
CROW: Middle traffic light...
MIKE: Okay, okay. But he'd probably miss out on some good "Simpsons" shows.
CROW: And "Sesame Street."
TOM: Or "Mystery Science Thea..." Wait, I'm not supposed to know about that.
CROW: Due to this, he'd probably have to have a black and white TV, anyway.
TOM & MIKE: Oh, yeah.
TOM: He'd also be limited on pets. No golden retrievers.
CROW: Or gold fish.
TOM: Actually, they tend to be more red, don't they?
CROW: Then why would they be called gold fish??
MIKE: I think Tom's right, Crow.
CROW: Well, ha-RUMF.
TOM: Only silver doorknobs.
MIKE: And he'd have to be picky about notebook paper.
TOM: And pencils.
CROW: Frankly, I believe he'd have to drink strictly water. Come potty
time...
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: He also couldn't be around dogs in the winter.
TOM & MIKE: CROW!
[Commercial sign]
MIKE: Thanks for ruining it for us. We'll be right back.
CROW: Zits couldn't be allowed to get too pussy...
[Commercials]
[Back to the SOL, left as was]
CROW: He also couldn't pick his nose. In which case he'd be screwed if he
had a cold.
MIKE: Oh, I'm just leaving.
CROW: He also can't squash a cockroach.
MIKE: OH, STOP IT! [Leaves, as follows Tom]
CROW: Oh, yeah? Like your comments on shoes, ships, and ceiling wax are fun!
Boy! [Pause] They should be calling any minute... [Pause] Any
minute... [Pause] Aw, hell, I'll just call them. [Hits Mads' button
with his nose] Hello?
[Mobius, Pearl is in the village holding buckets of water. She looks tired
and her usual grumpy self]
PEARL: Art, you couldn't have come at a worse time. These stupid vermin are
forcing manual labor in exchange for food and shelter. Earning it is
like saying I don't deserve it otherwise - of course that's not true.
But what does Booboo have to do? Nothing! Do ya believe it? These
people are biased due to my human heritage. It's just like an
anthropomorphic to perform "racial" slurs.
[Observer walks by in the background]
PEARL: And where do you think you're off to?
OBSERVER: I finished my chores with my mind; I'm gonna veg' at the tube. Ta!
[A badly animated Sonic walks in]
SONIC: [To Pearl] Mush! Move it!
PEARL: Shaddup, pip-squeak. Whaddaya think I am; a robot?
SONIC: [Covering his ears] Worse, believe it or not.
PEARL: Hey, none of that Jack Palance stuff!
SONIC: Who?
PEARL: You people from another planet are so uncultured.
SONIC: And I find it hard to believe I found something worse than a robot,
and am actually letting it live here.
[SOL]
[Crow and Tom are in front of a chart, Crow holding a meter stick. Mike is
behind the chart]
CROW: And just what is wrong with robots?
TOM: Now look at this... [Mike removes the visual aids as Tom lists them
off. Crow points at them with his stick] First, they've been known to
carry materials too dangerous for human hands, excluding Homer Simpson.
They have destroyed Japan several times; don't tell me that's a bad
thing. As Pinky and the Brain have proven, robots aid very well in
world conquest! Without robots, you would not have any convertibles!
And you'd miss half-way decent movies like 'Star Wars', '2001: Space
Oddessy', and many, many 'Lost in Space' reruns. And THAT, my good
friend, is why robots are great!
[Mobius]
SONIC: Down here, they're controlled by a single evil overlord.
[SOL]
TOM: Oh, well then forget everything I just said.
CROW: D'oh.
[Mobius]
[Bobo walks in]
SONIC: Yo'!
BOBO: Heh heh. What is with you and not finishing saying yo-yo?
SONIC: Um, whatever.
BOBO: Lawgiver, um, what was that thingie-thing-thing you were gonna send
Mike?
PEARL: The fanfic.
BOBO: Oh, yeah! [To Mike] We're gonna send you a fanfic called... uh...
PEARL: "Orcium."
BOBO: What the hell kinda name is that? Oh - A fanfic called "Orcium"
written by... er...
PEARL: Oh, let me do it! Mike, yer getting the worst Sonic fanfic I know,
and that's pretty bad, considering. It's "Orcium", written by some
guy who forgot his own name or something. But first, a hunka hunka
burnin' spam called... uh...
BOBO: It's pronounced $$$.
PEARL: Yes, it's called - The hell? How'd you pronounce *that*.
BOBO: It's all in the tongue.
SONIC: I guess I'll get Rotor to send it up to them. [Runs off]
BOBO: Wait for me! [Runs two steps and falls down exhausted]
PEARL: You make me sick...
[SOL]
[Chart still up, this time showing a graph. Crow points to it with his yard
stick]
CROW: NASDAQ is down three points today. But in other news, "Poopie" tape
sales are going swimmingly!
[Alarms]
MIKE: [Flinging up the graph] WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN!!
[Chart lands on Tom]
TOM: Ow, hey!
[Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...SAFE...]
[All enter and sit]
MIKE: Sorry `bout that.
TOM: Yeah, yeah.
>Date:
TOM: Noun. A fruit commonly used in cakes.
> Thu, 04 Sep 1997 20:16:34 +0000
MIKE: Plus four zeroes at no extra charge.
>From: sbliss@earthfriends.com
CROW: Friends of Earth are commonly filled with sbliss.
>Subject: $$$
MIKE: I'm subject to $$$ myself.
>To: sbliss@earthfriends.com
TOM: I think they failed to send it to themselves.
>Priority:
CROW: Hedgehog.
TOM: Fanboy.
CROW: Am not!
> normal
>Comments:
MIKE: Boy, do we have some.
> Authenticated sender is <peace@earthfriends.com>
TOM: Peace.
MIKE: Mmmm.
TOM: Bliss.
CROW: Ahhh.
TOM: Earth Friends.
MIKE: These are loving spammers.
>
>Do You Own Or Have Access To An
>IBM Compatible Computer
CROW: If not, then how did you receive this??
TOM: What about Macs?
CROW: I reiterate...
> And Printer?
>
>Would You Like To Earn
> $19,500
> In Just 12 Weeks?
ALL: Sure! We all do!
>
>Can You Afford To Invest $25?
>(Only $5 To Start!!)
TOM: Was this guy a former credit card salesman?
>
>If the answer to these questions is YES,
MIKE: Then you're too loud.
> then join
>us
TOM: Hey, that's my line!
> in the most exciting business opportunity of the
>decade!!
CROW: Fraternizing with Stephen Hawkings!!
>
>Our UNIQUE Computer-based business is brand new,
MIKE: No one else has spammed before. Sure.
>simple to operate,
TOM: He obviously hasn't read that list of computer illiterates in Reader's
Digest.
> and very, very profitable!
CROW: Yeah, but can you earn money?
> It
>will cost you only $5 for your personal business
>package which comes on a disk, and contains all
>the software needed.
MIKE: Like, um, disks.
> It actually runs your business
>for you! Knowledge of computers is not needed.
TOM: Where's the 'any' key?
> It
>really is that simple!!
CROW: Morons like you can now lose hundreds of dollars in a matter of days.
>
>PLEASE READ THIS INFORMATION CAREFULLY!
>
>I KNOW YOU WILL AGREE THAT THIS PROGRAM IS THE BEST
>AND MOST UNIQUE YOU HAVE EVER RECEIVED!!
TOM: Now what's all this an acronym for?
> GUARANTEED!!
CROW: I guarantee it.
>
>All You Need To Know About NETWORK!
MIKE: We really *don't* need to know anything about NETWORK!, y'know.
>
>The IBM compatible NETWORK! software disk costs just
>$5 ($10 when ordering from the UK where the program
>originated)
TOM: Even though this doesn't help Englanders at all, as dollars aren't even
their currency.
> yet it is designed to bring you a total
>of $19,500 within a remarkably short period of time.
MIKE: Thirty years will go by like that!
>Here's how it works:
CROW: Push the button that says 'on.'
>
>Load it into your PC.
TOM: Am I allowed a polite 'duh'?
CROW: Y'know, there are those who use the CD-ROM as a cup holder and keep
shoving disks into the drive without taking out the last one.
MIKE: Plus, only morons would go for this anyway.
TOM: Okay, okay.
> You will be impressed
MIKE: Into carbonite.
> with the
>professional appearance of the software,
CROW: They even come individually shrink-wrapped!
TOM: Oooooooooooooooo.
> and how it
>is so easy to operate!
TOM: This all sounds great, but is it easy to operate?
> The menu includes access to
>a complete set of instructions.
MIKE: Wait. How do I get into the menu? They said this was easy!
> You will also receive
>separate written step-by-step instructions,
CROW: Step one: Take out the instructions. Step two: Read the instructions.
> so you
>don't even need to be familiar with computers!
TOM: And I can repeat myself because you may not be familiar with English.
>
>The names and addresses of four people will appear
>on your screen.
MIKE: All of which are oddly enough 'Gary'.
> The computer will ask you to type
>in your own name and address,
TOM: So we can trace you down and squeeze you for your every penny.
> and your printer will
>automatically produce a separate Purchase Order for
>each of those four people.
CROW: Why isn't it printing?
MIKE: Do you have the printer on?
CROW: No.
MIKE: Well?
CROW: It said it'd do it automatically!
> Simply mail the orders,
>enclosing a check or money order
TOM: No CODs. Void where prohibited. Details inside.
> for $5 with each.
MIKE: So in a technicality, you pay five bucks for a disk, then another
twenty for the actual "program".
CROW: I can find cheaper ways to lose money.
TOM: Huh?
>In exchange for your order and payment,
CROW: I'll send you a moldy cookie I found under the couch.
> the four
>people will each send you a different code number.
TOM: One, two, three, and nine.
>Enter these codes into the computer where it tells
>you to do so,
MIKE: Oh, I was gonna write it on a piece of paper, then rub it on the
monitor like a fax machine.
> and then you are able to make copies
>of the NETWORK! disk.
TOM: Whoopti-fart.
> You cannot make copies without
>these four codes!
CROW: [Deadpan] Oh, no. Please, tell me the codes.
> The program won't let you.
TOM: ...key in the codes. It really makes no sense.
> Once you
>can duplicate the disk
MIKE: Is it easy?
> (which is very easy to do),
MIKE: Oh, good.
>sell each disk
CROW: Via black market in a dark German alley.
> to other people who own or have
>reasonable access to an IBM compatible PC.
TOM: You can indirectly annoy millions of people in a matter of days.
> They
>will want to buy because of the profit opportunities
>they, too, will have!
MIKE: If they have the intelligence of Steve Forbes.
> Selling isn't difficult.
CROW: In fact, it's easy.
> Just
>show them a copy of the flyer and these pages!
TOM: Now they're trying to send spam via humans.
CROW: {Knock knock} Door-to-door spam salesman! Is the lady of the house in?
>
>WHAT DO YOUR BUYERS DO?
MIKE: DO THEY BUY? NAH, THAT CAN'T BE IT... HANG ON...
>
>When they load
CROW: Themselves.
> your duplicated disk, they will be
>instructed to do the same thing as you did,
MIKE: Thus the viscous cycle shall begin, then I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!!
> which is
TOM: Really easy.
>to send $5 to 4 people. Like you,
CROW: Oh, c'mon. No one'll like you after you give them this.
> they will receive
>codes allowing them to duplicate
TOM: Like: "Lie back and enjoy."
MIKE: Tom, 'duplicate' and 'reproduce' are completely different.
CROW: Yeah, but that isn't any fun.
> the disk as many
>times as they wish.
MIKE: I wish zero.
> But before they duplicate,
CROW: They must find some one else of opposite gender. Like that'll happen
if you fall for get-rich-quick schemes.
> YOUR
>name and address will have taken top position in the
>system,
TOM: So in your miserable life, you'll be finally first in *something*.
> and the bottom name and address will have
>disappeared.
MIKE: It must've SNAPPED!
TOM: IT'S GONE!
CROW: WHERE DID IT GO?
> This means that 25 disks will list your
>name and address as a code seller.
CROW: [Nerd] Wow! {Snort} I'm famous!
>
>25 people will now send you $5 along with the
>purchase order generated by their disk (total $125).
MIKE: Just for you guys that can't do basic math.
>Just load your copy of NETWORK!
TOM: LOOK POLISH!
> and by selecting a
>menu,
CROW: I'll have some lasagna.
> your computer will automatically generate
TOM: Cybersex taken to a new level.
> and
>print out codes you should mail to them!
MIKE: Is it really exciting enough to end with an exclamation point?
CROW: Oh, wow! It can print!
>
>Now, when those 25 people sell to 5 people each,
TOM: Here we go again.
>your name will automatically move from the top
>position to the second position on the screen.
CROW: [Nerd] Oh, this is so degrading.
> As
>one of the four code sellers, 125 (5x25)
MIKE: It's true kids! Use a calculator to find out!
> will each
>send you $5 for your code
TOM: Given that every U.S. citizen is dense as a brick.
> (which they must have to
>make copies of the disk they can sell).
CROW: AS WAS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED!
MIKE: Boy.
> That's
TOM: Showbiz.
>$625 to add to your first $125 which adds up to
>$750 so far.
[All hum the 'Sesame Street' theme until the end of the paragraph]
> But that's only the start. When the
>125 people sell to 5 other each, and your name
>moves to the 3rd position on everyone's screen, 625
>people (5x125) will each send you $5...which equals
>$3,125 PLUS the $750 you received earlier now totals
>$3,875!!
CROW: More math than every 'Schoolhouse Rock' and 'Square One' episode
combined.
>
>THE FINAL MULTIPLIER EFFECT!
MIKE: IT'S THE END!
>
>HERE IS WHERE IT BECOMES AWESOME!
TOM: Dude.
MIKE: Buddy.
CROW: Homie.
> Your next payment,
>in the 4th and final position, will be $5 times 3,125,
>which is $15,625!
TOM: Is Yakko Warner gonna sing a song about this?
> Add this to your previous $3,875
>and your grand total is $19,500!!!! After this, your
>name disappears from future duplicated disks.
CROW: [Nerd] Oh, poo. There goes my fame.
> Don't
>forget, people must send $5, otherwise you won't send
>their code. Without the code, people CANNOT duplicate
>their disk.
TOM: ...everyone of you thick-headed bastards.
MIKE: The Bible's less repetitive.
> The design of the software won't let them!
>Also, they can't generate their own codes.
MIKE: [Plugging his nose] I god a code.
> The system
>is UNSHAKABLE,
TOM: Never, NEVER, *NEVER* shake a baby.
> so there's no way people can't
>"break in"
CROW: I use the term loosely here. They obviously *can* break in; it's a
minor design failure, admittedly...
> without the codes they receive from the
>four people shown on their screen!
>
>You may be asking,
MIKE: "Why the hell am I even reading this?"
> "if 5 people sell to 5 people, and
>those people sell to 5 others and so on, it won't be
>long before we run out of people."
TOM: That wasn't exactly a question, was it?
CROW: This guy has obviously never heard of "population growth."
> When you make
>$19,500, your duplicated and re-duplicated disk will
>have reached only 3,905 people.
MIKE: So it's strictly limited to that many?
> That's not many when
>you consider that there are millions of people in
>this country alone who own or have a access to a PC!
TOM: That is if any of you dorks can count past three.
>What's more, this program just started in the United
>Kingdom, and is just now spreading to Canada and the
>United States,
CROW: That's what happens when you bring in a species foreign to the land.
> so you are in at the very beginning.
>The fact that it started in the UK shows it has
>worldwide appeal!
MIKE: Is this guy implying that the UK owns the world?
TOM: Everyone knows it belongs to the US.
> Think globally, and make sure your
>disk has it's passport ready!
CROW: Even the disk's passport photo is ugly.
>
>GETTING STARTED
TOM: Um, didn't we go through this?
MIKE: I hope Mrs. F. isn't looping this.
CROW: Shhh, don't give her any ideas.
>
>You will receive a 3 1/2" floppy disk.
MIKE: If they're in a hard plastic covering now, how come they're still
called floppy?
> For ease of
>working, your computer should have a 3 1/2" floppy
>driver or one 3 1/2" drive and a hard disk.
TOM: God! How stupid does he think we are???
> A single
>drive will work, but it makes copying a little tedious.
CROW: Sort of like waiting in line for the Xerox at the office.
>Any printer will suffice providing it will print plain
>text (not postcript).
MIKE: Even a chubby guy with a ball-point pen will work.
>
>To get your disk, instructions, flyers, etc., send $5
>to the person who gave you or mailed you this
>information.
CROW: I have the feeling that most spammers are people that aren't allowed
to borrow from their parents anymore.
> When your packet of information arrives,
TOM: Shove it.
>it will show you how to load and operate the software
>program. Just follow the instructions to generate the
>4 Purchase Orders required to get the codes needed so
>you can duplicate the disk.
MIKE: Guys, I have dj vu.
TOM: Me, too.
MIKE: Guys, I have dj vu.
TOM: Me, too.
MIKE: Guys, I have dj vu.
TOM: Me, too.
MIKE: Guys, I have dj vu.
TOM: Me, too.
>
>The easiest way for you to "get the ball rolling"
CROW: Let's not roll any balls, thank you.
> and
>sell five disks (which must be your first goal)
MIKE: Forget about finding a decent job or true love; do this first.
> is to
>hand out copies of the flyer and these pages to people
>you know have a computer.
TOM: You can make tons by selling these to Microsoft staffers.
> Personal contacts are always
>the most effective
MIKE: [Holding his eye] Hold it, guys; I've lost a personal contact.
> and have little or no cost connected
>with them. But direct mail,
CROW: "Sort this, deliver that; I'll make 'em all pay."
> classified ads, brochures
>left in unusual places,
TOM: Boy, he made that one too easy.
> cable TV ads, bulk e-mail..
>the list is endless...
MIKE: Unfortunately.
> all work effectively!
CROW: Depending on your loose definition of 'effectively'.
>
>CAN YOU SELL MORE THAN 5 DISKS?
MIKE: Of course not. You said we were limited to 3,905 people in all.
>
>Certainly!
MIKE: The hell?
> NETWORK! allows you to make as many
>duplicates as you may wish.
TOM: More sheep than you can possibly imagine!
> The software will even
>calculate the results with whatever numbers you choose.
>But remember,
CROW: A bird in hand is- Oh, wait, that's something else.
> if you sell 5 disks and everyone else
>does the same, you will eventually have to handle
>3,905 purchase orders in which you send the code they
>need.
MIKE: But, trust me, it's easy.
> But, the NETWORK!
TOM: I wish it was Cartoon NETWORK!
> software makes everything easy
>for you.
MIKE: I told you.
> It prints out all the codes in a Sales Receipt
>format with your address in the top left to fit window
>envelopes, so you don't even need to address or type
>envelopes.
CROW: But you still hafta lick the envelope.
> Similarly, when you order your own four
>codes at the start, NETWORK! automatically prints out
>the four Purchase Orders with your name and address,
>plus the name and address you're sending to at the top
>left!
TOM: End, already!
>
>NO ONE CAN CHEAT YOU!
CROW: EXCEPT THE GUYS IN ANY WAY INVOLVED WITH THIS!
>
>Yes, it's impossible to cheat the NETWORK! Software!
>No
MIKE: Make up your mind.
> names and address can be erased to put in the names
>of "friends,"
TOM: Please don't sing the theme song.
> and the software is programmed to
>generate
CROW: An electro-barrier.
> constantly changing codes which cannot be
>"guessed."
MIKE: Except if you have the luck of Dexter Douglas.
> Without the correct codes, nothing works!
TOM: Those are actually words to live by.
>
>The NETWORK! system was developed by a professional
>programmer
CROW: Who is still living with his mother in the basement living on nothing
but fluff 'n nutter sandwiches.
> who has written software for the London
>Stock Exchange, the Health Service, and British
>Aerospace.
MIKE: And did a guest appearance on Letterman.
> It looks professional, and works
>professionally.
TOM: So it's professional.
> Some of the best whiz-kids have tried
>to break the system and failed.
MIKE: I know how to.
CROW: Hm?
MIKE: Run an ax through it.
CROW: I wish I had one now.
> In addition,
CROW: Oh no, not more math.
> NETWORK!
>checks itself for viruses. If it finds any
>modifications, it will simply refuse to run, so your
>system is fully protected without damaging your files.
TOM: Gee, that's, um, great.
>The distribution process is similarly safeguarded.
>By holding a duplicate of the software within itself,
>NETWORK! makes absolutely sure that each copy is the
>same as the original.
MIKE: Well, then it really isn't a duplicate, is it?
>
>All you have to do now is send for your disk, and
>you're on your way to $19,500 in just a few weeks!!
TOM: Please end.
>
>-------------------------------------------------------
CROW: This file is Ziplocked for freshness.
>
>Here is my $5 Cash/Check/Money Order
MIKE: Slash rip-off.
> ($10 for countries
>outside of the USA).
TOM: Didn't he already make it apparent that the UK and Canada were the
only other countries to receive this?
> I want to join the high-tech
>MONEY-MAKIMG revolution Now!
CROW: Netscape: NOW!
TOM: It's hard to look professional when you make a typo on 'money-making'.
> Please rush the NETWORK!
MIKE: To everyone I hate.
>business package by first class mail.
>
>Name:__________________________________________________
TOM: Got one of those.
>
>Address:_______________________________________________
TOM: Got one of those, too.
>
>City/State/Zip:________________________________________
TOM: Don't got one of those.
CROW: Why say 'state' if it was mentioned that this went out of the country
as well?
>
>E-Mail Address:________________________________________
CROW: Crow@biteme.com. Everyone knows that by now.
>
>
>Send To:
>Earth Friends
MIKE: What is this? Biodegradable spam?
>P.O. Box 10202
>Daytona Beach, FL 32120-0202
>USA
CROW: Yo'! Daytona! WHOOOO!
>
>-----> This e-mail was sent by Glenfinnan,
TOM: I'd shoot myself if I had a name like that.
> a bulk
>e-mail service.
MIKE: That means it's run by a fat guy.
> For more information, please visit
>http://www.glenfinnan.com or send an e-mail to
>network@glenfinnan.com
TOM: So what happened to all that 'Earth Friends' stuff?
> We offer special prices
MIKE: At Wal-Mart.
>to people participating in the NETWORK! system.
ALL: [Leaving] JOIN US!
[SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk]
[Mike is half off-screen to the left holding a stopwatch. Gypsy, Crow, and
Tom (left to right respectively) have large tubs of Spam (the meat, not the
`net junk) in front of them on the desk]
MIKE: Alright, people, you have thirty seconds to finish your entire tub of
Spam. Whoever can choke down enough in this time will win
approximately $19,500. Do you understand?
BOTS: Hidy-ho, Ranger Joe!
MIKE: Then [Hitting watch] GO!
[Tom and Crow literally dive in as Gypsy chows as quickly as she can. Spam
bits are flinging from Tom and Crow's tubs as exaggerated munching sounds
can be heard from them]
[Mobius, in the middle of the village. Pearl and Observer stare in disgust.
Bobo, however...]
BOBO: I am green with envy.
OBSERVER: I'm just green.
[SOL, Gypsy's finished]
GYPSY: {Urp} `Scuse me. TIME!
MIKE: Twenty-eight seconds! Our new champion!
TOM & CROW: [Still in their tubs] Uhhhhhggggggg...
[Both come up with completely spherical torsos]
CROW: I believe I shall beef.
MIKE: Beef's in our next round.
[Crow turns around and retches]
TOM: It's really not fair considering that Gypsy's body leads out of the
ship.
CROW: Yeah, ever since Dr. F. disconnected the umbilicus, Gypsy basically,
well, poops out into space.
GYPSY: I am so embarrassed.
MIKE: Yech.
TOM: And it could have very well caught into the planet's gravity and...
[Mobius, the trio are covered in chewed Spam bits and grease]
PEARL: Could I hate them more?
OBSERVER: Ug.
BOBO: Yum.
[Commercials]
[All enter and sit. The bots are back to normal size]
TOM: Good thing we have high metabolism.
>Sonic the Hedgehog: Orcium
TOM: New Sonic brand Orcium.
CROW: What the heck *is* Orcium, anyway?
MIKE: Um, sounds like a new brand of licorice.
TOM: No, I think it's some sort of cereal.
CROW: Maybe it's a facial cream.
TOM: Is it Sampo related?
>by Bookshire Draftwood
CROW: What?
MIKE: You've gone too far if you say your character wrote the story.
>
>Creative Consultant: Craig Fox
>
>based on a concept by Craig Fox
TOM: But not *by* Craig Fox.
>
>the author of this work
CROW: Has temporarily forgotten the use of a shift key.
> will accept questions and comments at the
>following addresses:
>bookshire@inficad.com bookshire@rat.org
MIKE: And bookshire@weasel.net.
>
>the creative consultant of this work will accept questions and comments at
>toddfox@primenet.com
TOM: Not at all related to the Todd from the Disney film.
CROW: Not at all.
MIKE: Wasn't that a book first?
TOM: Disney dominates. How else could they copyright Winnie the Pooh?
>
>this story is protected under Copyright law.
CROW: Oh, poop.
> The author grants his
>permission for free
CROW: Oh, goodie.
> unaltered distribution
CROW: Oh, poop.
> of this work through any
>electronic media.
TOM: What if I print it out and connect the paper to the car battery with
jumper cables?
MIKE: You *would* wonder that.
> Any other use, including the sale of this work for
>money are prohibited.
MIKE: Well, I'm gonna sell it for beans, so it won't be against the law.
>
>based on characters created by Service and Games (SEGA) Inc.
CROW: Who, sadly for them, Nintendo is beating the snot out of.
> and Archie
>Comic Publications, Inc.
MIKE: Sadly, I am forever tortured with their 70s theme song.
> Todd appears courtesy of Craig Fox.
TOM: I'm beginning to question that his last name is really 'Fox.'
>
>Story:
CROW: Of a lovely lady who was bringing up her very lovely girls.
>
>The sun shown brightly over the Great Forest.
TOM: Y'know, 'round midnight-ish.
> It was the start of
>early summer
MIKE: [Singing] No more homework! No more books! No more teachers' dirty
looks!
> and the temperature was only just beginning to pick up
TOM: UPN.
> during
>the days. On this particular day,
MIKE: The sun was shining brightly.
> Sally was meeting with Bookshire in his
>hut
CROW: Um...
> to discuss something he'd found in the RMCC.
TOM: Let's just pretend we know what that stands for and move on, shall we?
>"Actually, I can't tell what it is,"
MIKE: "What is an RMCC?"
> Bookshire said, as he read
>through the files "All I can figure out is that it's something
TOM: "That involves Kathy Lee Gifford. It's terrifying."
> Robotnik's
>involving over half of his resources in."
CROW: "Even the bakery. I think he's planning a surprise for us."
>"That could be bad," Sally was saying
MIKE: "But we can't prove it, so let's not get involved."
> "We'll have to get out there
>and see what's going on."
>"Good idea," Bookshire responded
TOM: "I was planning on letting Robotnik finish it then kill us. Thank
goodness for your royal intellect."
> "I'll relay any other information
>I get directly to you."
CROW: "Just don't cut the 5.25 disks to fit your 3.5 drive again, ya
computer illiterate moron."
>"Thanks, Book," Sally said.
>
>She left Bookshire to his work and crossed over
MIKE: So soon? Boy, this story was over quick.
> to the meeting
>hall where the others were ready and waiting.
TOM: As she walks down the aisle, it turns out they were really cardboard
cutouts.
>"Attention, everyone," Sally announced as she entered
CROW: [Random crowd member] Couldja hold on a minute? I'm on the twenty-
fifth level of Tetris.
> "Bookshire's
>uncovered parts
ALL: Eewww.
> of a plan that Robotnik's been working on. He's dedicated
>half of his resources to it,
MIKE: "As was mentioned in our prologue."
> so, needless to say,
CROW: "We'll all have to wear chicken suits."
> we'll need to get out
>there and find out what's going on.
MIKE: "As was also mentioned in the prologue."
> The team will consist of
CROW: "The Marx Brothers."
> Sonic,
>myself,
TOM: Who's that?
> Bunnie,
CROW: "Yes, the one with the unimaginative parents."
> Todd
TOM: "Who is currently in a law suit with Disney."
> and Rotor."
MIKE: Given his name, I bet he has a beanie on his head.
CROW: Hehe.
>Tails piped in.
TOM: Oh, PHEW! Man!
>"I wanna go to," he said.
CROW: To where?
>"Sorry, Tails," Sally said
TOM: "We can't risk your moronic intelligence ruining our careful plans
anymore. You understand."
> "This mission'll be deep
CROW: Hurting.
> into
>Robotropolis. It'd be too dangerous for you to come along."
MIKE: "We can't stop for a bathroom break every three minutes."
>"But, Sally..."
>"I'm sorry, Tails, but you can't go," Sally was firm.
TOM: Just look at those abs.
>Tails sat back and grumbled
MIKE: Some words we can't mention in a cartoon.
> for a second before getting up and
>leaving. Both Sally and Todd were tempted to go after him, but the
>mission had to come first.
CROW: But the lasting flavor of their gum was more important than that.
> One of them would talk with him when they got
>back.
MIKE: You do it.
CROW: You do it.
MIKE: You do it.
CROW: You.
MIKE: You!
CROW: You!
> After a little more planning,
TOM: [Sally] "Okay, how 'bout this; we go in and figure out what he's
doing."
> the team left for Robotropolis.
>
>Tails kicked the stones
MIKE: [Wincing] Ew.
> out of his path as he walked around near
>the edge of Knothole, grumbling angrily.
TOM: Oh, c'mon. It's a happy grumble. I can tell.
> Sonic was doing solo missions
>when he was ten, and now Tails, who was also ten, couldn't even go on a
>team mission.
CROW: Teens just displace anger on to the younger one of the family,
resulting in power lust. But they really care.
> As he continued to walk and to grumble,
MIKE: And to walk.
> he ended up walking
MIKE: And grumbling.
>a small ways away from the village.
TOM: That seems to happen when you walk away from it.
> Quite suddenly, he heard a noise to
>his left.
CROW: Oh, good. We have stage direction.
> Going to investigate, he accidently bumped into a slender,
>white furred female wolf who was probably in her mid twenties.
MIKE: He goes to investigate something, and he doesn't notice an adult
right to the left of him.
TOM: Not that I wouldn't mind bumping into that.
CROW: Depending on height differences, how low do you suppose he bumped into
her?
MIKE: Let's just drop the subject.
> Tails
>looked up in surprise.
>"Who're you?" he asked.
TOM: [Wolf] "I'm a little pixie!"
MIKE: [Tails] "Do you need medication?"
TOM: [Wolf] "Only fairy dust!"
MIKE: [Tails] "Sure. Uh-huh."
>"Perhaps I should ask that question of you first,"
CROW: "I being the bitch and all."
> the wolf
>smiled.
TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
MIKE: We're not reading a Ryan Huber story. Relax.
>"My name's Tails," Tails responded.
MIKE: In response as Tails responded to the question in which Tails
responded.
>"I'm Christina," the wolf said.
TOM: The first person in here with a decent name since Sally.
>"I've never seen you around here before," Tails said.
>"Oh, I'm just staying here temporarily," Christy said
CROW: "The aliens said they'd pick me up in ten minutes."
> "I'm with
>the wolf pack, in case you haven't guessed."
MIKE: Oh, really? I thought you were one of the Mighty Ducks.
>Tails blinked and then nodded. The wolf pack had representatives
>and guests in and out of Knothole all the time these days
TOM: Stealing all their TVs and jewelry in a way similar to a bucket
brigade.
> for assorted
>reasons, so it really wasn't unnatural for at least one to be around
>almost all the time.
CROW: Even this zit-faced one walking all around town asking everyone "Will
you be my friend?"
>"You look a little sad,"
MIKE: "Being that you're walking and grumbling."
> Christy said as she sat down on a nearby
>log "Want to talk about it?"
>"Yeah, I guess so," Tails said
TOM: "It all started when I was three. I was an abused child, and-"
CROW: [Christy snoring]
TOM: "I'm gonna go kill myself now."
> "I guess it's just that Sally
MIKE: "Is a putz. It's all her fault."
>thinks I'm too young to go on missions, and I'm not.
TOM: "Just look at my ID. I know the picture doesn't look *quite* like me,
but I really am 21."
> Sonic did solos at
>my age, and I can't even go on team missions.
MIKE: "Like the narrator told me a couple of paragraphs ago."
> It just makes me so mad
>sometimes, I want to scream."
CROW: [Pee-Wee] The word for today is "mad!"
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
>Christy nodded. That smile of her's never quite seemed to
>disappear.
TOM: Mike, you said this wasn't a Ryan story.
>"Why are you smiling," Tails demanded almost indignantly
CROW: "Go to hell, Christina!"
> "It's not
>funny."
>"No, it's not that," Chrsty said
MIKE: "It's just that little dribble of snot dripping out of your nose."
> "I'm just thinking, that maybe
>you need to relax.
CROW: Hakuna matata.
> You need something to make you feel better."
TOM: [Quickly] Butter.
>"Oh yeah," Tails said "Got anything particular in mind?"
>Christy shrugged.
MIKE: "Whatever."
>"Not really," she said "Although, if you're in the mood for some
>sweets, I've got some really delicious candy with me.
TOM: "Do ya like 'Nerds'?"
> You might like
>it."
>Tails thought about that for a moment.
CROW: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
>"Well," he hesitated "What is it?"
MIKE: An Everlasting Gomp-Stomper.
>The wolf reached into the
CROW: Hm?
> pouch she was carrying
CROW: Oh.
> and took some
>out.
TOM: Some what out? Part of the pouch? What?
> It was completely clear,
MIKE: Oh, it's Zima.
> and looked almost like rock candy to Tails.
>"It's called Orcium,"
CROW: We have a title, folks!
> Christy said "Tastes real good."
>"Looks like rock candy," Tails said.
MIKE: "I know cuz the narrator told me so."
>"Well, it is kinda," Christy responded
TOM: "Sorta... well, no."
> "Just that this tastes
>better and it lasts a lot longer.
CROW: Longer with Big Red.
> Want some?"
TOM: [Tails] "Hell, yeah!" {Gobble! Chomp! Snort! Munch! Snort!}
MIKE: [Christy] "Take it outta the box first."
>Tails considered this for a moment.
CROW: He does that a bit, doesn't he?
> One of the first things he
>own parents had taught him long before he was seperated from them was
MIKE: Never be separated from us.
> to
>not accept ANY
ALL: WAUGH!
> thing from anybody he didn't know. Still, this was a
>member of the wolf pack freedom fighters after all.
MIKE: Or so she says. Well, you've just met her. I'm sure she's trustworthy.
> What possible reason
>would she have for harming him.
TOM: Two words: Virgin sacrifice.
>Tails nodded and took the small piece that was offered to him and
>popped it in his mouth.
CROW: An amazing feat when it's two feet in diameter.
> The taste was almost like that of sugar, but
>there was an extra tang in it that he couldn't quite identify.
MIKE: Oh, it's probably just the numerous dyes, xanthar gum, diglycerides...
TOM: You've been reading the back of the Little Debbie's box again, haven't
you?
> He sucked
CROW: I wouldn't go that fa- well, maybe.
>on it awhile, and gradually worked it down to the
MIKE: Tootsie Roll center.
> point where he could
>swallow the rest completely
CROW: One foot and eleven inches in diameter.
> and looked over at Christy who was smiling
>even more.
TOM: "In me power!"
>"Thanks," he said "It's good."
>"Yep," Christy grinned
MIKE: I believe it's been established that she's smiling.
> "It sure is. I need to be going now,
TOM: "I hafta go give three-year-olds some ciggs. Ya want any before I go?"
>though. But if you ever want any more,
CROW: "Then screw you."
> I'll usually be around somewhere."
TOM: Wanna be more vague?
>"Could I have one more piece before you go?" Tails asked suddenly,
>not really sure why he wanted one...
MIKE: We just do!
ALL: Yeah!
> but they DID taste good.
>Christy thought a moment and grinned.
TOM: Oh, jeez!
CROW: I guess it *was* the planet and not just the author.
>"Alright," she said "One more. But, next time, see if you can
>bring something to trade with. That way, we both get something out of
>it."
>"Sure thing," Tails said as he took another piece.
MIKE: "Fooled her. I'm never getting anymore."
> He popped
>that one in his mouth too
TOM: Kid's heart must be going 90 miles per hour, now.
> and waved the Christy.
CROW: The Christy over there. That Christy. Do I have to be more specific?
> As she disappeared from
>sight,
MIKE: She turned into Batman.
> Tails headed back to Knothole.
>
>As he headed back to Knothole,
CROW: So is he heading away from Knothole?
MIKE: No, I believe he's heading back to Knothole.
> he began to feel better. Alot
TOM: Is two words.
>better, in fact. He seemed to pick up the scents in the air alot more
>than normally. And the color of everything was bright and clear.
MIKE: He's headed back to the late 60s.
>Everything was so perfect, he began to feel like he didn't have a care in
>the world.
TOM: Ahh, pure Sbliss.
> When he got back to his hut,
MIKE: He headed back to Knothole.
> he had a bit of fun,
CROW: He's at the age of 'exploring' himself.
MIKE: Really?
CROW: Um... no.
> trying to
>open the door
TOM: It's easy to entertain this kid.
> beause that sneaky door handle kept moving around, but he
>finally caught it and went inside.
CROW: It must be that door from the next to last level of Earthworm Jim 2.
>Once inside, he flopped down on his bed and looked up at the
>ceiling.
MIKE: "Who painted all those naked people up there?"
> The fibers in the roofing material were of particular importance
>to him for some reason and he spent an uncountable number of minutes just
>staring up, trying to count the grains in the fiber.
TOM: "1,138; 1,139..."
CROW: 10; 72; 34; 86.
TOM: "Oh, dammit."
> Once he had a
>number he was satisfied with, he burst out laughing, becasue it was such a
>funny sounding number to him that he just couldn't stop.
MIKE: How long *did* it take him for him to reach a google.
>In fact, he laughed so hard, the he rolled right off the bed and
>hit the floor.
CROW: [Hysterically] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- OUCH!!! - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
> He landed on his arm
CROW: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S BROKEN!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
> which hurt a small amount, so he got
>up and gave the floor a stern lecture about the amount of responsibility
>involved with being hardwood and that he'd punish it, if it ever hurt him
>again.
TOM: Do you think that Orcium had... Nah.
> He walked over to the window then and looked up at the sun.
MIKE: "Oh, poo. I'm blind."
> He
>said hello as did the sun,
TOM: So he's turned into the baby from Hi and Lois.
> and they went on to have a surprisingly
>interesting conversation about the ingredients in Antoine's perfume and
>how well it would go when mixed with any of a number of assorted fish and
>pasta dishes.
CROW: Just wait till the Orcium takes effect.
>Soon the sun began to get tired and began to slowly sink.
MIKE: [Sun] Save me! I can't sw- {glub glub glub}
> Tails
>waved good bye to it and returned to lay down on the bed. He looked back
>up at the ceiling
CROW: [Tails] "Now to count how many times I can count the strands..."
> and wondered why he never went on any of the missions.
MIKE: Maybe you're a pathetic loser, Tails!
>Probably, he concluded, beacuse the others were afraid that, if he went
>with them, he'd track down Robotnik, and kick him in the nuts good and
>hard,
TOM: Being that he always wears Spandex, I doubt that he'd have any left to
kick.
CROW: Kid's *really* gone now.
> thereby making the others look bad for not having thought of that
>before.
CROW: Sure, it'd kill him instantly.
MIKE: You have no idea.
> Still, he pondered,
TOM: I think so, Brain, but...
> Robotnik probably didn't have any anyway.
TOM: D'oh! Recoil.
MIKE: There, there.
>After a time,
MIKE: He headed back to Knothole.
> he got up again and paced around the room,
CROW: "When is she gonna have that baby?"
> pondering
>the universal question of
TOM: Why people like Urkel.
> what would happen when an unstoppable force
>decides to pull over to use the bathroom.
MIKE: Then, um, it wouldn't be unstoppable, cuz it, y'know, stopped.
TOM: Might as well not try to explain anything to him, while he's all doped
up.
> He gave up on that aftera few
>minutes and went back to lay down on the bed where he promptly passed out.
[Mike picks up Tom to leave]
CROW: He's dead. [Follows Mike out]
[Commercials]
[Mike is a bit away from the front of the desk sitting down with his back
turned. Tom and Crow are behind the desk, Crow holding a keyboard]
CROW: Okay, Mike, you've probably noticed that we've only gone through one
segment of this fanfic, and already it's extremely repetitive,
redundant, repetitious, repeating itself, and saying the same thing
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
TOM: Yes. That is why we have prepared a little ditty in conjunction with
this little flaw.
MIKE: Yes, but, uh, we're kinda just text now. A song can't quite transcribe
too well.
TOM: Oh, just jump up my butt. Hit it, Crow!
[The music begins and Tom and Crow start to sing; you'll have to use your
imagination]
TOM: We have a theme so we thought that we'd sing a song.
We find it neat and hope you don't find it too long.
CROW: I believe the author was using a bong
Cuz the spelling sucks and the grammar's all wrong.
BOTS: Plus,
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
TOM: I would rather be sat on by big ol' George Wendt
Then reads this, which repeats more than the New Testament.
CROW: It's about as cheesy as you can get
When the author keeps on forget
-ing how often that
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
TOM: Let's face it; the plot's not all too great.
It makes me long for "Manos: The Hands of Fate."
Well, not really, it just really sucked.
CROW: I'd like to kick Bookshire right in the buck
Cuz
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
[`Bots continue singing]
MIKE: Guys?
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
MIKE: Excuse me?...
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
MIKE: You can stop now.
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
MIKE: Um...
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
[Pause]
MIKE: Oh, good. Well, it was okay except for that last part.
CROW: Oh, you mean when we kept repeating:
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive! [Continue]
MIKE: Dear God, my spleen!
[Alarms]
MIKE: And now we have fanfic sign! C'mon, guys!
[`Bots can still be heard singing as it gets fainter until door four]
[Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...SAFE...]
[All take their respective places]
MIKE: I wish you wouldn't get so carried away.
>
>When he finally came to, he sat up and shook his head a couple
>times.
MIKE: {Wubba wubba wubba.}
> He still felt really nice, but his head was a little clearer than
>it seemed to have been before.
CROW: Thank goodness for Claretin.
> He looked over at the clock on the wall
>and it read 8:00pm.
TOM: "Damn. Missed Freakazoid."
> Looking outside the window just then, he saw the
>group that went on the mission rturning
MIKE: Th villagrs ar out to gt him.
> and going their seperate ways.
>They'd be sorry they didn't take him with them.
CROW: He's not gonna ramble about a fat guy's balls again, is he?
> He was the most
>important freedom fighter they had after all.
TOM: Then why isn't the show named after him?
> He shrugged and figured it
MIKE: Out with Summer Sanders.
>was their loss.
>Sally came in then to see how he was doing.
>"Tails?" she said as she came into his room
CROW: "Why did you open all the cans of soup?"
> "Are you alright?"
MIKE: "And what are all these pink elephants doing in here?"
>"Oh, I'm feeling fine, Sally," he said "How was the mission."
[Tom does some incoherent mumbling every time Tails talks]
>"Well,"
CROW: Said Jack Benny.
> Sally said "Rather unsuccessful, but we'll give it another
>try tomarrow."
MIKE: I guess running the thing through at least a spell check if not a
proof reading is just too complicated for this guy.
>"Cool," Tails said.
TOM: "I'm gonna go out and fry some banana peels. Wanna come?"
>Sally almost expected him to ask if he could go again, and the
>fact that he didn't surprised her slightly.
MIKE: "Dear Lord! My heart!"
>"Is there anything you want to talk about?" she asked.
CROW: "Ceiling wax and kings?"
>"Nope," Tails smiled
TOM: A-hyuck! A-hyuck!
> "Not really."
>"Well then," sally
CROW: Is unimportant so we shall no longer bother to capitalize her name.
> said uncertainly "I'll be in a bit later to
>read to you then."
MIKE: "Like 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie'?"
>"Cool," Tails smiled.
TOM: This is the most plowed kid I've ever seen.
MIKE: You never went to my high school.
>
>As Sally left Tails' room,
MIKE: She headed back to Knothole.
> she got the unnerving feeling there was
>something wrong with him.
CROW: [Extreme sarcasm] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> If he had been her son,
TOM: Then her waist would've probably been more in proportion with her head.
> she might have called
>it maternal instict.
MIKE: Whatever the heck 'instict' is.
TOM: I think she just made up that word.
CROW: It's her choice what to call it.
TOM: If she prefers 'maternal instict', then let it be.
> But, whatever it was, something told her something
>wasn't quite right with him.
CROW: As you said at the beginning of this paragraph.
TOM: Is this author like Forgetful Jones or something?
>In either case, she needed some advice,
MIKE: From the old guy on the hill in 'B.C.'
> and whenever she needed
>objective, unopinionated advice, she always went to
CROW: Steve Allen.
> Bookshire.
>
>About an hour had passed since Sally had left. Tails was laying
>in bed, not feeling all that well.
TOM: The morning of November first is always a time of regret for gluttonous
kids.
> The good feeling had slowly begun to
>fade as he woke up, and now, he wasn't feeling at all well.
CROW: As was mentioned in the PREVIOUS SENTENCE!
MIKE: Whoa.
> Something
>inside him told him that he'd need to get some more of that candy to feel
>better.
TOM: [Wakko Warner] Candy candy! Candy-candy-candy!
>He thought about that for a few moments.
MIKE: "I loves squishy sponges... duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
> Christy had said he
>should bring something to trade with if he wanted to get more.
CROW: "Hmm, doubt I'll need my gallbladder for a while..."
> The
>question is what would he trade.
TOM: Not really a question; you need a question mark for it to be a
question.
MIKE: You made that mistake before. Don't comment on another guy doing it.
> He thought about the very few actual
>possesions he had.
CROW: "Let's see; I have a ball that swings into a cup and a yo-yo."
> In fact, he wasn't even sure what she would ask for.
>On top of that, if she didn't like ANYthing
ALL: WAUGH!
TOM: He did it again!
> he had to trade, what would he
>do then?
>Oh well, he thought to himself.
MIKE: He realized he didn't need to base his life on a piece of candy,
therefor learning the moral of the story, and the end.
> He'd think of something.
MIKE: Oh, pootie.
> In the
>meantime, being as tired as he was, he decided not to wait for Sally to
>come and tuck him in, and just fell asleep right then and there.
TOM: {SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT! Shooooo... SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!...}
>
> "It's like he wasn't even interested,"
CROW: "With me in my teddy."
> Sally told Bookshire with
>concern.
>The racoon listen attentively
MIKE: "Very interesting. Pointlessly rant some more."
> as he handed Sally some hot cocoa he
>had just fixed
TOM: Which was really eighty mini-marshmallows packed into a mug with a
spoon-full of Ovaltine sprinkled on it and a drop of warm milk.
> and sat down on the couch opposite of her.
CROW: [Bookshire] "Sooooo, wanna...?"
>"Well, it's certainly possible he had his mind on other things,"
MIKE: "Like how many ways to taunt a retarded badger and how many tiles
were on the bathroom walls.
>Bookshire said "I sincerely doubt he did nothing but sit around in his
>room all afternoon."
TOM: Booky, you should really read the script first.
>"Well, yes," Sally admitted, sipping her cocoa
CROW: {SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLURRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!!!}
> "But somehow I got
>the sense that there was more to it than that."
MIKE: "Y'know, like things."
>"What do you mean?" Bookshire inquired.
>"Well, he seemed distracted," Sally said "Distant."
TOM: "Plus he's grown his hair to four feet and got a tie-dye shirt."
>Bookshire stroked his muzzle a little in thought for a moment.
>"Well, the best you can do for now is just to keep an eye on him
>and see if his behavior improves or worstens," Bookshire stated
CROW: "If it worsens, *hell*, don't ask me."
> "Once you
>know more,
MIKE: You'll have graduated from NIMH.
> you'll probably be able to deal with the situation a bit
>better."
TOM: [Quickly] Butter.
>"You're right," Sally said "I think I'll do that as often as I can
>for the next few days and see what transpires."
CROW: "I'm just repeating what you said to get the point across."
>Bookshire nodded and continued to sip his cocoa as he and Sally
>sat up, talking about all numerous things
MIKE: [Bookshire] "...it was around then I got into decoupage. I found that
interesting. Then when I was twenty-five, I failed a college essay
for the first time. Quite embarrassing. Then..."
> before Sally left and headed for
>Tails' hut.
MIKE: [Bookshire] "Hey, wait! I haven't gotten to the Q-Tip incident yet- oh
poopie."
>When she got there, she did, in fact, find the cub out cold,
>practically.
TOM: Paying no attention to the blood strewn all over the room and the knife
and brass knuckles left on the floor, she left.
> She decided he had simply been too tired and gone to bed
>early.
CROW: Wow! She must be sick-ick!
> She clicked out the light softly and left.
TOM: How do you loudly turn out the lights?
MIKE: Well, y'know, you throw the lamp on the ground, shoot it, yell at it,
run it over with a steamroller...
>
>The next morning, Tails
MIKE: Headed back to Knothole.
> found himself staring up at the ceiling
>once again,
CROW: "One, two, three..."
TOM: 54; 11; 32...
CROW: "Crap, CRAP, *CRAP*!"
> not feeling quite 100% but, at least, not below eighty
>percent. He got up and went to have some breakfast.
TOM: Nice, yummy whale blubber.
> Sally ate with him
>as she sometimes did.
MIKE: I think she has a crush on him.
CROW: Don't be sick.
> She tried to engage him in conversation a couple
>times, but he didn't seem to talkative at the time.
TOM: [Tails] "Odd; she isn't picking up any of my telepathic messages."
>After breakfast, Tails went back to his room and thought for
>awhile. He wanted more candy.
MIKE: He also had this crazy craving for Honey Combs.
> That much was absolutely certain.
CROW: Absetively, posalutely.
> The
>question was, what to trade.
TOM: Wasn't that asked a few paragraphs ago?
> Well, perhaps he would just go find her and
>see waht he could work out.
CROW: "Maybe I can give her Bookshire's spell-checker; he obviously doesn't
use it."
>
>
>"Have you seen Tails around?" Todd asked Bookshire.
>Bookshire was sitting behind his desk in his office,
MIKE: "Ha, that Dilbert. Sorry, what were you saying?"
> polishing
>something under the desktop.
>"Not actually," Bookshire said.
>"Well, if you see him around, could you tell him I'd like to talk
>to him?" Todd asked.
>"Sure, if I see him,"
TOM: [Todd] "Well, yeah. That's what I asked. If you SEE him."
> Bookshire answered, continuing his work.
CROW: "I gotta polish more things concealed under desktops."
>Todd watched him for a moment.
MIKE: "You sick pig! What the hell are you *doing*??"
>"What are you doing anyway?" he asked.
>Bookshire smiled and brought his paws out from under the desk. In
>a very soft, white cloth,
CROW: He was polishing a white cloth?
> he was working over an crystal clear diamond,
>only just a little bigger than a golf ball.
TOM: I think a plot point just spilled all over us here.
>Todd almost fainted.
CROW: "MY HEART!"
>"Is that real diamond?" he asked.
MIKE: [Bookshire] "No way; it's over the show's budget."
>"Sure is," Bookshire said "Actually, before the takeover, it was
>sitting in the Royal Mobian Museum of
TOM: "Shiny Things."
> Fine Treasures. Found it in the
>reckage a bit after Robotnik took over. Been saving it, and a couple
>other things until a couple of the museums gets rebuilt."
CROW: "That's right; while all of you worthless hunks of scum are living
a life of misery, I'm squandering the planet's riches!"
>"Well, that's good," Todd said "Think I could see the rest of your
>collection sometime?"
>"Probably," Bookshire said
TOM: "But touch an' I'll shoot ya."
> "Come back at closing time,
MIKE: 'Closing time'? What? Does he have a JiffyLube at this make-shift
village?
> and I'll
>take you back to my home and I'll show you around."
>Todd nodded and said a polite good-bye before leaving.
>Neither one of them noticed the pair of eyes watching them.
CROW: It's that witch from 'Dark Crystal.'
>
>Christy was laying on a log half sunk into the river,
MIKE: "Um, help? I'm sorta about to drown here... Ah, well..."
> staring up
>at the sky, thinking about lots of things.
TOM: Like dirt, hair, shoes...
> It didn't take Tails too long
>to track her down,
MIKE: [Tails] "Ah ha! Christy scat!"
> and soon he had caught up with her.
CROW: Hey, whoa!
> Christy looked up.
TOM: "N'yeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
>"Well, hello again, Tails," Christy said as she sat up and smiled.
MIKE: Is she the Joker in disguise or something?
>"Hi, Christy," Tails responded "How are you?"
>"I'm doing well," Christy responded politely "How have you been?
>Enjoy the candy?"
TOM: [Tails] "Duh, wait; one question at a time..."
>"Sure did," Tails said "Kinda wondered if I could have some more."
>Christy hmmmed.
CROW: ...the 'Green Acres' theme.
>"Well," she said "I do believe I said that you would need
>something to trade for it. What do you have?"
TOM: "Whaddaya say? Whaddaya know?"
>"Nothing right now," Tails admitted
CROW: That's a bit of an understatement.
> "I was kinda gonna ask you if
>there was anything specific you wanted."
MIKE: "So here I go: Was there anything specific you wanted?"
>Christy thought about this and smiled.
CROW: Uh oh...
>"Well, there is one thing..."
CROW: Uh oh! Uh oh! Mike, has this crossed the 'G' rating???
>
>"Incoming communication, Sally," NICOLE reported,
TOM: You got mail.
> startling the
>Princess out of her thoughts.
CROW: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!"
>"Yes, please display," Sally said.
MIKE: "Jeez, another 'get rich quick' spam."
>NICOLE paused a moment,
TOM: System crash.
> then displayed a projection of Lupe.
CROW: [Lup] "Help me, Obiwan Kenobi."
>"Lupe, what can I do for you?" Sally said.
MIKE: [Over dramatic as Lup] "You can DIE!"
>"Greetings, Princess," Lupe said "I'll skip the pleasentries and
>get right to the point.
CROW: "Princess, where are you currently buying your office supplies?..."
> I was calling to inform you of a criminal we
>believe is in your area.
TOM: I'm not gonna touch that one.
CROW: May I?
MIKE: No.
> Her name is Christina Harper. She was banished
>from the Wolf Pack a few weeks ago for trading and using illegal drugs."
CROW: So she used her real name while selling something illegal?
TOM: I do believe she was using the stuff before she gave it to Tails.
MIKE: That would explain all the smiling.
>Sally nodded "Well, we'll be sure to keep an eye out for her then.
MIKE: "Just like how hard we've been looking for Tails lately."
>You can tell me more aobut
TOM: "I find aobut very interesting."
> it later when you arrive tomarrow for the
>command meeting."
>"Good idea," Lupe responded
CROW: Boy, this princess is a genius.
TOM: This village would go in shambles without her.
> "I'll bring some extra
MIKE: "Tuna salad."
> wolves with me
>also, in case we bump into her on our way there."
>"Good," Sally said "See you tomarrow, then."
>Lupe nodded and her image disappeared.
CROW: I Dream of Jeannie?
>
>"You want what?!" Tails exclaimed.
TOM: "That's dirty!"
>"The diamond that the one called Bookshire keeps in his desk
>drawer," Christy said.
>"BUt...
MIKE: Torgo, get off the set.
> but that's stealing," Tails said.
>Christy calmly took out a large pice of the candy and held it in
>front of Tails. The effect was almost mezmorizing, and Tails was feeling
>even worse.
TOM: [Christy] "How would you like some... SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
>"No it isn't," Christy said
CROW: "They'll accuse you of breaking and entering first, *then* ram the
robbery lawsuit down your throat."
> "Technically, it's not even his to
>begin with."
>"But..." Tails stalled. In his current condition it was hard to
>argue with either her, or her logic.
TOM: All he needs to do is *look* at the stuff and he turns stupid.
>"Get the diamond, and you get two of these pieces to enjoy,"
MIKE: "Today only at your local Jiffy-Mart."
>Christy said. Tails grudgingly agreed.
>
>Bookshire closed up his doctor's office temporarily for lunch
CROW: "Ug. I gotta loosen my belt, first."
> and
>headed for home. He made sure the front door was securely locked,
TOM: "Let's see, I left the windows open for ventilation... Hmm, my lock
rusted off. I'd better get a new one tomorrow... Well, if there's no
lock, I'd might as well leave the door open, too."
> and
>then departed.
MIKE: Poor guy. He was so young.
>Tails watched silently from the bushes.
CROW: [British accent] How not to be seen.
> Once Bookshrie was gone
>and there was nobody else around,
MIKE: "Good, it's safe to 'go.'"
> he left his hiding spot and began to
>examine the building.
TOM: "Okay, Mr. Building, hop onto the table. Now, when was your last check-
up?"
> Bookshire was old (at least to Tails) and old
>people forgot stuff.
MIKE: How come I can recall a cigarette jingle from the sixties but can't
remember what I just got up to do?
> Certainly, Bookshire must've left something open.
>He moved around the the
TOM: Eye Creatures?
> backside of the bujilding
CROW: Is that a Popiel product?
> towards where
>Bookshire's actual office was. Then he spotted it.
MIKE: That thingie-thing.
> the window was open
>jsut a crack.
TOM: Why was he in such a hurry to type that sentence?
> It took him a few minutes, but he managed to work his paws
>under it and lift it open to the point where he could slip inside.
CROW: Just as he got his head through, the window immediately fell down,
instantly crushing his vertebrae.
>Bookshire's office was neat and orderly. Everything on his desk
>was arranged perfectly and everything in the room was spotless.
MIKE: That raccoon got a little carried away with cleaning his food.
> Tails
>went to the desk and quickly began to search the drawers, going from one
>drawer to the next until he found it.
TOM: "Ah, Bookshire's 'girlie' magazines!"
> For a moment, he was stunned by the
>immense size of the diamond.
CROW: Um, no. Not gonna do it. Too easy.
MIKE: Thanks.
>He was snapped
TOM: HE'S GONE!
CROW: WHERE DID HE GO?
> out of it, however, when he heard Bookshire
>returning to the office. As quick as he could he closed all the drawers
>and jumped out the window,
MIKE: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." {splut}.
> slamming it down shut behind him.
>Bookshire walked into the office only a few seconds later,
TOM: He was busy admiring how shiny his keys were.
> and
>looked around, thinking he had heard a noise.
CROW: Like that enormous slam and the window shattering to bits? That noise?
> Going over to the window,
>he noticed it was fully closed...he always left it open a crack...
MIKE: Brilliant deduction.
TOM: I suppose being that the papers were strewn all around the room, the
loud sound of a window slamming and the fact he revealed a diamond to
someone doesn't arouse suspicion.
>
>"Excellent,"
CROW: Said Monty Burns.
> Christy grinned
MIKE: I guess it *is* true that if you make an expression it sticks that
way.
> as she examined the diamond.
>"There, you got your stupid diamond," Tails growled
TOM: "It did very lousy on its PSATs."
> "Now I want my
>candy."
>Christy grinned
CROW: We know already!
MIKE: We can't get away from it, Crow. Try to go along with it.
> and tossed him the two
TOM: Scoops of raisins.
> pieces.
>"A deal's a deal," she giggled
CROW: "Hehe. I feel like a schoolgirl."
> "If you want any more after that,
>you know where to find me."
MIKE: Yeah. 'Around', like you told him earlier.
CROW: "Look me up in the Yellow Pages. 555-SOME-OTHER-NUMBERS."
TOM: "Address: Anywhere, anywhere. Anywhere anywhere someplace."
>"Yeah right," Tails grumbled. He popped
MIKE: Yucky.
> one piece in his mouth
>and sucked on it as he headed for home.
TOM: A diamond for two pieces of "candy."
CROW: Talk about inflation. [Leaves]
MIKE: [Picking up Tom and leaving] I remember when they were only ten bucks
each.
[SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk]
[Just Mike, Tom, and Crow]
MIKE: "Orcium"... Do you suppose it's some sort of "pun" on opium?
CROW: An ironic statement? In this fanfic? Are you alright?
MIKE: Okay, okay. But what about what that thing Robotnik put half his
resources into but no mention of it was made to?
TOM: It was just a plot point to make Tails angry and walk off into the
woods, thereby meeting Christina and then taking drugs.
CROW: Hey, I know what let's do! Since we're already orbiting that Sonic
the Hedgehog planet thing, and Mike hasn't blown it up, yet -
MIKE: Hey.
CROW: - Why don't we just ask Tails himself?
TOM: Bah-rilliant, Brain!
MIKE: Yes, let's. [To Cambot] Hello?
[Mobius, in one of the huts. Tails is wearing socks on his ears and a glove
on his nose]
TAILS: [Slurred] Heyyyyyyyyyy... hi.
[SOL]
MIKE: [To `bots] Are you sure this may be, uh, safe?
CROW: Of course... maybe... well, no.
TOM: I'm gonna ask anyway. Hey, Double-butt-appendage...
[Mobius]
TAILS: He said butt! Hahahahahahaha! [Falls down] Ow. Hehe.
[SOL]
TOM: Um, yeah. What do you think of this Orcium business? Is it serious?
And what the heck was that mission supposed to be?
[Mobius]
TAILS: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.... pork?
[SOL]
CROW: Let me have a go. Tails, diaooewlkmwaeiaewllkdsjmoiew?
[Mobius]
TAILS: Oh, to get rid of this really big Death Star rip-off called a Death
Egg. Really stupid, I think. Anyway, Sally's gonna try to sabotage it
again tomorrow.
[SOL]
[Mike and Tom gape]
CROW: Those four years at the dorm finally paid off somehow. You gotta know
how to speak "High".
[Still gaping]
CROW: What? Y'know, when I was supposed to find Mike's family through that
time machine? I loved that college. [Trailing off] Cool fraternity.
I'll miss Big Ed. He used to sit on everyone in their hazing ritual...
MIKE: We'll be right back. Crow, you never *did* tell my family I was okay.
CROW: I was gonna get to it!
[Commercials]
[All return and sit down]
>
>When he got back to his hut he flopped down
MIKE: Three flights of stairs.
> on his bed again and
>idly watched the polkadot
MIKE & TOM: Polkadot?
CROW: [Dot Warner] Why not?
TOM: [Accordion music]
> elephants doing an odd dance on his floor
CROW: Um, Mike?
MIKE: Well, it's, uh... when, um... y'know... [continues]
CROW: [Whispering over to Tom] I already now, of course; I just enjoy
watching him try to explain it.
> while
>he thought about what he did.
MIKE: You see, Crow, it's when-
CROW: You can stop, now.
> He certainly felt alot better then he used
>to, but the probablem was, he stole to feel that way. Oh well,
ALL: Here we go again.
> he thought
>to himself. He glacned over at the elephants and asked them to do a waltz
>while he discussed world politics with them...
TOM: "We have a single tyrannous overlord... That about sums it up."
> they had some pretty good
>insights.
MIKE: Polkadot elephants *would* make better politicians.
>Todd walked up to Tails' hut,
TOM: [Sarcasm sequencer] Wait! How did he know he was in there?
> having seen him walk in there
>moments before.
TOM: [Sarcasm sequencer] Oh, THAT explains it!
> Just before he opened the door, he heard Tails talking
>inside. Going over to the window,
CROW: He went inside, opened all the desks throwing everything out of place?
> he saw Tails lying on the bed,
CROW: Oh.
> staring
>off into space, talking to somebody whom Todd did not see.
TOM: How could he miss those polkadot elephants?
MIKE: Tom?
TOM: No, Mike. I believe they're really there.
MIKE: Uh, hmmm.
> What made Todd
>look twice
MIKE: "Wha-huh? Wha-huh?"
> was that Tails' eyes were glazed over in a serious way.
CROW: They're Dunkin' Doughnuts, now.
> He
>went back to the door to enter when something on the ground caught his
>eye.
MIKE: "Owowow! Leggo! Leggo!"
> It was clear piece of what looked like rock candy.
TOM: Oh, GOD! Come ON!!
CROW: {Knock knock} "Hey, Tails! You left your plot convenience out here!"
> He
MIKE: Swallowed it whole.
CROW: [Hippie] "Whoooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....."
> pocketed it
>and went to see Bookshire.
TOM: Pocketed it, huh? The only guy in this show with pants.
MIKE: Except for the humans.
CROW: Well, THANK GOD!
>
>When he got to Bookshire's office, the raccoon was going through
>all of his drawers looking for something.
MIKE: "Where's my swimsuit calendar?...Oh, HI, Todd. Heh heh. Nothing."
>"What's wrong?" Todd asked as he entered.
>"That diamond's been stolen," Bookshire grumbled.
CROW: "That just slightly cheeses me off that I've lost a great fortune,
here."
>"Stolen?" Todd asked "What do you mean?"
TOM: Todd equals dense.
>"I mean, I went to lunch and when I came back it was gone,"
>Bookshire said "I'll report this to Sally immediately."
>"Um, first, before you do," Todd said as he took the piece out of
>his pocket
CROW: A lint ball. Nice.
> "Could you take a look at this and tell me what it is."
MIKE: "THAT'S my diamond! You thief!!" {POW POW}
>Bookshire took the piece and examined it curiously.
CROW: "Oooooooooo. Shiny."
> He ran his
>tongue over it lightly one and made a face.
TOM: "Eww. Vanilla Orcium."
> He tapped on it
CROW: Uh, come in?
> with one of
>his nails
MIKE: Claws, actually.
> and hmmed.
>"Orcium," he said "Highly illegal drug.
CROW: As opposed to a 'sort of illegal drug.'
> Where'd you get this
>from?"
MIKE: "Big Jim Bob's Highly Illegal Drugs One Cent Shop."
>"Illegal drug?" Todd said "I...I
TOM: "Cap'n."
> found it outside Tails' hut.
>Tails was inside looking really spaced out."
>"Hmmm...that could be serious," Bookshire said
MIKE: "It could be. Kid taking massive amounts of drugs. Sorta serious...
on second thought, forget about it."
> "We've got to get
>him in here now."
>
>Tails looked lazily over at where Todd and Bookshire were
>standing.
CROW: "Peace."
> They both looked exceedingly silly there with their serious
>expressions and he burst out laughing.
TOM: No wonder he was kicked out of school so many times.
>"Tails, you need to come with us," Bookshire said.
MIKE: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will
be used against you."
>"Yeah right, whatever," Tails giggled almost insanely.
CROW: The Joker gassed his room! Get him the antidote quick!
> He ignored
>them and went back to watching Antoine doing backflips off diving boards
>into small glasses of grape jelly.
TOM: Antoine really was doing that, you know.
MIKE: Right.
CROW: Not too out of character for Antoine, actually.
MIKE: But why do most of his fantasies involve Antoine somehow?
TOM: They're not fantasies.
>Todd sighed and wtn
MIKE: Wow. Not everyone can make a typo like that.
> foreward, pulling Tails up in his arms and
>carrying him out of the room as Tails struggled agaisnt him.
CROW: Shouldn't they be wed before he carries him across the threshold?
>"Put me down!" Tails demanded.
>"Nope, Tails this is for you own good,"
MIKE: Speaking Tor Johnson-ese.
> Todd insisted as he pulled
>Tails out of the room.
CROW: Pulled or carried? You decide.
>
>Bookshire then went to inform Sally
TOM: Of the "Dukes of Hazard" marathon on TNN.
> and soon they were all back at
>Booksxhire's office as Todd strapped Tails down into a bed
CROW: This is gonna turn dirty, isn't it?
> as the small
>fox continued to struggle.
>Bookshire carefully examined Tails' vital
CROW: Told ya.
> signs, hmming several
>times as he did.
MIKE: "Very interesting. Four fingers... three toes... I've concluded that
he's a cartoon."
>"Well?" Sally finally asked anxiously.
>"Well, thankfully, his halucenigetic state will wear off shortly,"
>Bookshire said
TOM: "I can just tell. No need to take blood or ask when he last took
Orcium."
> "He only seems to have ingested a small amount
CROW: "You see, his tum-tum isn't big and jiggley, so he hasn't eaten too
much."
> and the long
>term effects still have a very long way to go before he would get this way
>permenantly."
MIKE: That would be fun to see.
>Both Sally and Todd breathed
CROW: Some angel dust.
> a sigh of relief.
TOM: [Deadpan] PHEW.
>"But how did he get it?" Todd asked curiously.
>"That's where we're stuck," Bookshire replied as he gave Tails a
>sedative.
MIKE: "Whoops. Too much. He's dead. Sorry, sorry."
>"No we're not," Sally said "Lupe called awhile ago. She said
>somebody named Christina might be in the area,
CROW: No, Sally; I don't care if Tails *is* unconscious, don't talk about
sick stuff like that.
> and she was banned from the
>Wolf Pack for selling and using drugs. Tails might have gotten them from
>her."
MIKE: Maybe?
>"Then my advice would be to tracke this Christina down and get her
>before she gives out any more," Bookshrie said
TOM: The only guy as smart as the princess.
> "Oh, and to get my diamond
>back as well."
CROW: [Sally] "Diamond?! You've been squandering our riches, you old fart!"
>Sally and Todd both nodded resolutely.
MIKE: They're certainly in synch.
>"In the meantime, if it's alright with Bookshire, I think I'll
>remain here and watch over Tails," Todd said.
TOM: "Besides, I'm a wuss, and don't want to get too involved."
>"Good idea, Todd," Sally said "I'll have Sonic come in here also
>once he returns from the recon mission he's on."
MIKE: Well, if he *wasn't* on it, why would you have to wait until he was
back from it?
>Todd nodded and took a seat by the now sleeping fox's bed.
CROW: And he slept for a thousand years.
>
>Lupe and some other members of the Wolf Pack
TOM: [Singing] Leader of the wolf pack!
MIKE & CROW: {VROOOOOOM!}
> arrived early the
>next morning
MIKE: [Singing] Early in the morning!
> and met immediately with Sally in the conference room. Sally
>updated
TOM: Her web site, finally.
> them on the situation.
>"Chirstina Harper is a very dangerous wolf," Lupe said
CROW: If I remember correctly, the Wolf Pack was sort of made to look like
Native Americans.
MIKE: Yeah?
CROW: So what the hell kind of a Native American name is 'Christina Harper'?
> "Getting
>her back into custody will be difficult, but it would certainly help if we
>knew where to start searching for her."
TOM: I heard she was 'around'. Maybe you should look there.
>Sally nodded.
CROW: [Goofy] Uhhhhhhhhh-yuh, uh-yuh, yuh yuh yuh.
>"Agreed," Sally said "I think we ought to start by the Great
>river.
MIKE: Mobians sure have a way of running the word 'great' into the ground.
TOM: Great Forest, Great Unknown, Great War...
> Tails'
TOM: Great.
> shoes were
TOM: Greatly.
> wet yesterday so it's possible he could've been
TOM: Great.
>meeting with her along the
TOM: Great.
> bank somewhere."
>Lupe nodded.
MIKE: George Clooney's famous 'Head-bob, smile, head-bob-head-bob, smile'
method of acting.
>
>Both Todd and Sonic had been sitting by Tails' bedside throughout
>the night,
CROW: Jason, I'm really, really sorry.
TOM: Good.
CROW: You're supposed to be asleep!
> neither one willing to leave his side for an instant save for
>one reason...
MIKE: "MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! Better stay, though."
>"We think we've found her," Sally said, startling both Todd and
>Sonic suddenly.
BOTS: [Sonic & Todd] "I WET 'EM!"
> They turned and look over at her standing in the doorway.
>"Where?" Todd was the first to say.
>"By the bank of the Great River," Sally replied
TOM: So her first hunch was the correct one.
> "Lupe and I are
>going after her and you're both welcome to join us."
TOM: Took my line again.
>"You bet," Todd said resolutely as he got up to join Sally.
MIKE: "Wait, I'm stuck to the seat. Stupid naugahide." {Riiiip} "Okay, there
we go."
>"You got it, Sal," Sonic joined in, racing out the dorr before
>either of them.
CROW: So he *didn't* join in.
>
>Sonic, Sally, Todd, and Lupe
TOM: Chief.
CROW: McCloud.
> walked resolutely through the forest
>to
MIKE: Grandma's house.
> the Great River. All of them keeping their eyes open, ready for
>anything.
TOM: Except that glowing tangerine flying at them.
>A sudden movement to one side caused Todd to react instantly and
>he ran and dove into the brush it was coming from.
CROW: [Sally] "Oof. It's ME, you idiot!"
MIKE: [Sonic] "Try taking decaff."
> The others stopped and
>watched as Todd burst
TOM: [Sally] "Gross, I got Todd guts all over my new vest."
> out of the brush again, grapling with a very angry
>white wolf, trying to snap his neck.
MIKE: A fight sequence? Why here? Why now?
>Before the two could get their footing, Lupe was the next into the
>fight, rolling on the ground
CROW: She got up and felt quite stupid.
> with Todd and Christy
TOM: So Todd and Christy were rolling too? When?
> as she and Todd tried
>to restrain the wolf completely.
CROW: Why is Lup helping to restrain Lup?
MIKE: I think he means Christy.
CROW: Chrisy's trying to restrain Christy?
MIKE: Never mind.
> Suddenly, with a sudden burst of
>strength,
TOM: She eats her spinach.
> Christy managed to throw
CROW: Up.
> Todd off of her and wrestled with Lupe
>before throwing
CROW: Up.
> her off too.
>Christy was on her feet in a second, yanked a kmnife
MIKE: [Todd] "Yow! Don't yank my kmnife!"
CROW: You said I was bad.
> out of
>nowhere
TOM: Man.
> and pitched it head on into the chest of Todd who was charging
>her.
ALL: So take away his credit card!
> His cry of pain as the knife impaled him covered a half mile easily
>as he crashed to the ground.
CROW: Face first, ramming the knife right through to his spine as well.
> Sally and Sonic were at his side in a second
TOM: [Sonic] "Shall I twist the knife or you?"
MIKE: [Sally] "You go right ahead."
>as Lupe tackled Christy again and socked her muzzle to and fro
TOM: Stop and go. That's what makes the world go 'round.
> again and
>again until Christy was out cold.
MIKE: From punching her in the mouth. Yes, this makes perfect sense.
> Without another word, she went about
>bind Christy's wrists and elbows tightly behind her
CROW: Lup ties Christy's limbs behind Lup's back. This is just getting
goofy.
> with some rope she
>brought, then binding her ankles and knees together jsut as tightly. She
>tied Christy to a near by tree
TOM: So they could play darts.
MIKE: Okay, abdomen is twenty points; go fer an eye and get eighty.
> and would send some of the other wolves to
>come and retrieve her.
CROW: Dogs *do* retrieve stuff, y'know.
>Lupe went back over to where Todd laid, and helped Sonic and Sally
>pick up up and get him back to Knothole as quickly as possible.
MIKE: "First, let's stop for some frozen yogurt."
>
>When they arrived, Bookshire was relieved to find that the knife
>wound wasn't as fatal as it looked.
CROW: Okay, right through the heart, immense bleeding; yep, he's gonna live
for the sake of fanficdom.
> With a couple of clean mending tools,
TOM: Which means Booky spat on them then rubbed them on his leg.
>he patched Todd up
CROW: So he looked like a Raggedy Anne doll.
> and moved him to the recovery bed right by Tails.
>Not too long after that, as Sonic and Sally were sitting by the
>two foxes silently, Tails groggily began to come to, shaking his head
>weakly having just gotten over the effects of the Orcium.
MIKE: We've yet to recover from "Orcium."
>"What happened?" he whispered.
>"You were on drugs, Tails," Sally said gently
CROW: Great. Here comes the moral of today's story.
> "You were acting
>in an unnatural way."
>"I was?" Tails asked "I don't remember too much...except for
>Christy..."
MIKE: He had a crush.
>Tails' head rolled over
TOM: Linda Blair!
> and saw Todd resting quietly with some
>bandages on his chest.
CROW: Blood was still spewing out like a fountain.
>"Todd?" he said sitting up in a very frightened voice.
>"Don't worry, Tails," Sonic said "Todd'll be just fine."
>"How..." Tails began.
MIKE: That's what I'm wondering, too; how he survived.
>"Christy stabbed him when we tried to capture her," Sally said
>"He'll be alright though,
TOM: [Sally] "Like Sonic said. Want me to say it again? How 'bout if I have
Bookshire tell you?"
> so don't worry.
CROW: Be happy.
> Now lay back and rest."
>Tails nodded slowly and got comfotable again.
>"Never again," Tails whispered.
>"Never again what, TAils?" Sally asked.
MIKE: Never again will Bookshire write another story?
TOM: Please?
>"Never going to take any of the stuff again," Tails said as
>he looked over at Todd "More wrongs in it than rights."
>"There are no rights when it comes to drugs, Tails," Sally said.
>"Bad things always come out of them bro," Sonic continued.
CROW: I feel like we're watching an after-school special.
>"The only sad part is that you had to learn that lesson in a
>painful way for everybody," Sally said.
TOM: "Even though you got it from someone you thought you knew and thought
it was candy."
>"I know, Aunt Sally," Tails sighed "I'm sorry."
>Sally smiled.
>"I know you are Tails," she said as she kissed him softly
MIKE: "That's why I'm only gonna cane you *eight* times."
> "But for
>now you rest. I have to go see Lupe for a moment, Sonic will you wait
>here."
>"Sure thing, Sal," Sonic replied.
>
>Sally left and went outside to see Lupe
CROW: Like she said she would.
TOM: Everyone lives up to their word in this story.
> who was just getting ready
>to leave. Nearby, two wolves where holding Christy,
MIKE & TOM: [Wolves] "Can I be your boyfriend?"
> still bound and now
>gagged in their arms.
>"What will her punishment be?" Sally had to ask.
CROW: [British accent] Let's build a bridge out of her.
>"That will be up to the majority to decide," Lupe replied
MIKE: The Wolf Pack has a nice democratic government.
>"However, in most situations, the offender is stoned to death.
TOM: But given the logic in this story, she'd survive that.
> Still, now
>and again, we can't bring ourselves to kill one of our own. We'll wait
>and see what happens."
MIKE: "Let's wait till she escapes and attempts to murder us all in a
vengeance."
>Sally nodded quietly
CROW: What would a loud nod be, exactly?
MIKE: Like, if you're over sixty and have bad arthritis.
> and watched Lupe and the others depart. In
>all the years she had been alive, she never understood why anybody would
>get mixed up in drugs.
TOM: Let's repeat the moral in case none of you got it.
> It seemed there were always more losses than
>gains. Users took the risk of killing themselves. Pushers took the risk
>of being caught and executed by the authorities or getting killed by one
>of their competitors. And, the gbottom line was,
CROW: Gbottom?
MIKE: That would be like Ace Goodheart's butt.
TOM: Oh, I get it. So if he'd fart, it'd be a gforce!
> they took those risks
>for short term gains, rather than trying to direct their long term goals.
>Drugs were never the answer. That much was fact.
CROW: How about the fact that this story's repetitious and grammatically
impaired?
> And one day,
>when Sally found herself in full power over the planet of Mobius, and
>peace had been restored, she vowed she would make certain that all illegal
>drugs would be eliminated once and for all.
MIKE: So all the addicts would rally and kill her.
> One day...
>
>
>THE END
TOM: The gend.
CROW: Gbottom? Gend? Get it??
TOM: Let's go, Ghostbusters.
[Mike picks up Tom]
>
>
>Public Service Announcment:
CROW: Hafta pay the bills somehow. [Leaves]
>
>Do Drugs and Die. Not a Threat.
TOM: A command.
[Mike leaves with Tom in hand]
> A Fact.
>
>
>
[SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk]
[Only the `bots. Crow is holding a giant torch, and Tom is holding an ax.
A rope tied to something behind the desk goes strait up to an unseen pulley
system]
TOM: Okay, let's go through this again: What did we learn from this fanfic?
CROW: Not to do drugs?
TOM: Guess again.
CROW: Don't trust strangers?
TOM: One more time.
CROW: You can be stabbed in the heart in a world of little medicine and
survive virtually unharmed?
TOM: Exactly! But the question is, how far can you go?
CROW: Gee, I do not know that. Let's test it.
TOM: Wait for it... [In walks Mike] Perfect. Hey, Mike!
MIKE: Well, hi, Tom. What're you doing?
TOM: Heh heh.
CROW: Ha ha.
BOTS: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MIKE: [Casually looking down] Whatever.
TOM: NOW!
MIKE: Hey! A penny!
[Mike ducks as Crow's torch fries Tom's head. Blinded just as he was about
to swing, Tom lops Crow's head off]
MIKE: [Getting up; oblivious] Well, have fun, guys. Seeya. [Walks off]
CROW: Well, that didn't go too well, did it?
[Tom just cries as he wanders aimlessly]
CROW: Ow! I just stepped in my own eye.
[Tom's ax slices through the rope, and something can be heard falling in
that Warner Bros. slide whistle effect]
TOM: Oops.
[A giant shadow begins to cover them]
CROW: [Quickly] Back down to you, Mrs. F.!
[Mobius, inside a different hut]
[Bobo is waiting by a door still covered in Spam bits as Observer walks in
sans robe]
BOBO: Oh, hi, Brain Guy. How'd you get clean so fast?
OBSERVER: I did it with my mind, of course.
BOBO: Of course.
OBSERVER: Say, I've lost my robe. Do you know where it's gone?
BOBO: Why don't you just make a new one with your mind?
OBSERVER: Well-
BOBO: In fact, why didn't you just recreate your planet with your mind when
Mike blew it up?
OBSERVER: Are you questioning the continuity here?
BOBO: No, I-
[Pearl walks out of the door, wearing Observer's cloak as a bathrobe]
PEARL: Alright, Monkey-man. Shower's all yours.
OBSERVER: Hey! That's mine you're wearing!
PEARL: So?
OBSERVER: Give it back right now!
PEARL: You sure?
OBSERVER: Very!
PEARL: Okay.
[She unties the waistband as the show fades out]
[Observer screams in terror half-way through the end credits]
---
HEAD WRITER: John Berry
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Jenny Berry & Kevin Sigmund
PROOF READERS: Kevin Sigmund & Shay Caron
SPECIAL THANKS: David "Bookshire" Pistone for not killing me
SEGA for not suing me
---
BOBO: That's a lovely Elmo t-shirt, Lawgiver.
PEARL: Thanks.
OBSERVER: Oh, the pain! The horror!
---
Mystery Science Theater 3000 & characters 1997 Best Brains Inc.
Sonic the Hedgehog & characters 1997 SEGA, DiC, & Archie Comics
STINGER:
>He went back to the door to enter when something on the ground caught his
>eye. It was clear piece of what looked like rock candy.
The End.
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