Original work by: David Gonterman.
MiSTed by: Shay Caron.
Created on: Friday, 03 April 1998.
Added on: Tuesday, 20 January 2009.
| Rating | Evaluations |
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| 5 | -(1) |
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| 7 | -(6) |
| 8 | -(15) |
| 9 | -(15) |
| 10 | -(4) |
Rated 8.29 with standard deviation 1.05 on 42
evaluations.
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"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com)
Part 1 of 9
This MSTing has been rated:
TOON for its comic/cartoon-relatedness,
SONIC for the occasional (though by no means common) appearance of one or
more Sonic the Hedgehog characters,
SELF for its author-representing main character,
and PG-13 because of occasional swearing, quite a few insults directed
toward David Gonterman (please don't sue), a story so bad gophers
could be killed with it, and gratuitous usage of the word "phrack".
Note: this fanfic has been crammed into John Berry's Mobian MSTing continuity.
TO get the backstory, go to the Web Site #9 MiSTing Archive
(http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml) and read these MSTings:
Tricks of the Trade
Orcium
Seeing Stars
Sonic the Hedgehog: Merry Christmas
Vixen in the Labyrinth
Holloween Spirits
Whew. Enough blathering. On with the deep hurting!
[ In the not too distant future... Introduction theme music (Season 8). ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ Intermission- Satellite of Love. We interrupt a conversation between M&TB,
already in progress. ]
CROW: And don't forget "waffle". That's a good one.
TOM: Yeah, and "France".
CROW: Oh, and "Greece".
TOM: And "Kazakstan".
BOTS: [ giggle ]
MIKE: OK, OK, slow down! [ Mike is scribbling on a piece of paper. He notices
Cambot. ] Oh, hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Mike
Nelson here. We were just talking about words that are fun to say. So
far we've got... hm, smock, quark, waffle, France, Greece, and... how
do you spell that last one?
CROW: I think K-A-Z-A-K-S-T-A-N.
MIKE: [ scribble ] Got it. Any more?
CROW: Um, "panties"?
TOM: [ giggle ] And "butt cheeks"?
MIKE: Guys?
CROW: [ giggle ] And "boobs"! [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh...
TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh huh huh...
MIKE: OK, just forget it. [ He throws the paper and pencil down and leaves. ]
CROW: Hmph. Tom, write those down, would you? [ Tom looks at Crow. ] Huh? Oh,
right. I'll do it. [ Commercial Sign flashes. ] We'll be right back.
TOM: Hey! How 'bout "TP"?
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh...
[ MST3K planet bumper. Crow and Tom are B&B laughing. Commercials ensue. ]
[ INT SOL. Mike is standing behind a big cardboard box. ]
CROW: [ From inside box ] C'mon, Mike, please let us out!
MIKE: Not until you promise to cut it out.
CROW: OK, I promise. Sheesh.
MIKE: You too, Tom.
TOM: Me too.
MIKE: That's better. [ The Mads Sign flashes. ] Oh joy, it's Yippy, Yappy, and
Yahooey. [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] What do you
want?
[ Mobius. Pearl is the only one on screen. ]
PEARL: Oh, hey, Mike. You remember "Rangers of NIMH" and "Rangers of NIMH 2"?
[ SOL ]
TOM: Oh no! Don't tell me there's a "Rangers of NIMH 3"!!
[ Mobius ]
PEARL: Sorry, but no.
[ SOL ]
ALL: Woohoo!
[ Mobius ]
PEARL: However, I've got a work by one of the co-authors of those works, good
ol' David "Davey 'Crockett' Kintobor" Gonterman. It's a "Mary Jane"
Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic that's exactly like every other Sonic fanfic
you've ever been sent, except, in my opinion, it's worse.
[ SOL ]
MIKE: David "Davey 'Crockett' Kintobor" Gonterman?
[ Mobius ]
PEARL: You'll see.
TOM: [ off-screen ] Hey, where is everyone?
PEARL: Oh, some sort of celebration or meeting or some crap at the Power Ring
Pool. I'd've gone, but you know me-- I'm hopelessly *anti*social. Well,
enjoy a nice serving of fanfic, with DEATH!!
[ SOL ]
CROW: Oh man, not *another* one!
TOM: Where does she *find* these things?!
MIKE: foxfire.simplenet.com?
[ Crow and Tom turn to look at Mike. ]
MIKE: Just a guess.
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
ALL: Aaugh! We got Gonter-Sign!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> [editor's note:
CROW: Huh?
TOM: What?
> This story was originally a web page, but I've edited it
> down,
CROW: Oh.
TOM: Well.
> removing all of the HTML tags, and the pictures.]
CROW: Oh, I've seen some of Gonterman's artwork, and believe me, I am
*thankful*!
>
> FoxFire Studios
TOM: Fox, fox, burning bright, in the forests of the night.
> presents
MIKE: Is it Christmas already?
>
> Sonic The Hedgehog
MIKE: Sega's only memorable creation.
CROW: We'll get flames for that, you know.
MIKE: Yeah, but it just had to be said.
> Blood and Metal
MIKE: Me and you guys!
CROW: Hey, yeah!
>
> A FanFict by David Gonterman
CROW: Y'know, I get the feeling he'll become the Stephen Ratliff of Sonic the
Hedgehog.
MIKE: Crow, please. It hasn't even begun.
>
> Story Book Edition
> With artwork by the author.
ALL: Not!
>
> A greeting message from the Author
CROW: Oh, joy.
>
> A collection of Notes behind the story
TOM: Wait, wha?
>
> Proceed to the Story Pages
MIKE: Hang on--
>
> Credits
TOM: Oh, I see, those used to be hypertext links.
CROW: Well, that explains it.
MIKE: Thank you for leaving those in, "editor".
>
> Sonic the Hedgehog (C)
CROW: Nintendo.
TOM: Atari.
MIKE: Sony.
> Sega
ALL: D'oh!
> of America
> All rights reserved. Characters used for
MIKE: Making a delicious clam chowder.
> FanFict purposes only
CROW: Oh, yeah, like how else are you going to use them? As Ping-Pong balls?
MIKE: Barber poles?
>
> Blood and Metal (C) 1995-6 David Gonterman.
BOTS: And he's welcome to it!!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: It's the electric fence!
TOM: *Bzzzzt*!
>
> Greetings
BOTS: Bite Us
>
> Welcome to my first Internet Storybook, the first of many, I hope.
BOTS: Noooooooooooooooooooooo...
> Just as
> long as FTP Space can remain readily available and as long as Copyright
> Lawyers and CDA Thought Police are kept at bay.
[ pause ]
CROW: Go Copyright Lawyers!
TOM: Gooo, CDA Thought Police!
MIKE: [ to himself ] It's so early for this...
>
> Blood and Metal is the first FanFict I wrote; shortly after I got into the
> Internet via America On-Line.
CROW: Crap, an AOLer. This'll suck big time. [ A lightning bolt zaps down from
the sky and blasts Crow. ] Yeow! What was that?!
MIKE: I think the author uses AOL.
TOM: I pity him.
CROW: <cough>
> The people who read BAM loved it extremely;
MIKE: [ David ] And that has *nothing* whatsoever to do with the gun that I
held to each of their heads.
> just as much twoard the manga-style illostrations that I occasionaly
TOM: Geez, three spelling errors in one line! Is that a record of some sort?
> uploaded.
>
> I wanted to put Illustrations in my story, but I didn't know how to do it
> economically, since I am still a college student.
CROW: Oh, dear god, he *is* Ratliff!
> That was until I learned
> HTML and was able to combine my pictures with my story and put them up on
> the World Wide Web for all to see.
TOM: And spit upon.
> What was produced became the now-defunct
> Deluxe Edition.
MIKE: Deeeeee-*lux*! [ scribble ] There's a fun word to say.
>
> I wasn't quite satisfied with the Deluxe Edition. There were errors to be
> corrected, graphics that needed fixing.
TOM: Dogs that needed fixing.
> There were some parts I wanted to
> add in and move around, and lastly, I wanted the story to be packaged like a
> real book.
CROW: [ David ] But I ran out of paper, and I lost my keys, and--
MIKE: [ teacher ] No excuses, young man. Now you get over to that blackboard
and write "I will package my story like a real book" 100 times.
CROW: [ David ] Yes, teacher.
>
> This is the result; The Storybook Edition of
MIKE: Cinderella, starring Whitney Houston and Brandy Norwood.
> Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and
> Metal. I invite you to return to the cover and bookmark it, and then return
> whenever you feel like it when you want to read a good story.
CROW: You won't be able to, of course, but you'll want to.
TOM: Apparently, this is some strange usage of the word "good" that I was not
previously aware of.
> Also feel
> free to use the hypertext links to see the many liner notes that show the
> background of the story. And basically, I hope you enjoy this as much as I
> did creating it.
MIKE: Look, guys, can we stop insulting him already?
TOM: Oh, all right.
> Who knows? Maybe I'll be enticed, er, inspired, to make
> more of these.
CROW: Hopefully, these comments will "entice" him to STOP!!
MIKE: You too.
>
> David Gonterman
> 2037 Delmar, Granite City, IL 62040
CROW: Doesn't he know better than to put his address up on the Web?
> (618)-452-9440
> email: dgonterman@aol.com
> WWW: http://users.aol.com/dgonterman
TOM: Y'know, I hear he has a resume on his web page.
CROW: [ snicker ]
>
MIKE: I'm sure you both realize that all of our jokes so far have simply been
insults directed toward the author, though I've tried to dissuade you,
and that we definitely can do better.
TOM: Y'know, you're right.
CROW: Whatever.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: Cover me. I'm gonna make a dash for it.
>
> Credits
MIKE: Each person, place, or thing listed here bears *some* responsibility for
the rapidly approaching "Blood and Metal".
CROW: Shouldn't these be at the end?
>
> Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal
> Alpha
CROW: Five?
TOM: Ay-yi-yi!
> Story Arc, Storybook Edition
> by David D. Gonterman [dgonterman@aol.com]
TOM: The extra "D" is for extra DEATH!!
MIKE: I bet his middle name's David.
CROW: David David Gonterman?
TOM: [ chuckle ]
>
> added material by
MIKE: The BeeGees!
CROW: Will Smith!
> Emily Smith [soniadah@aol.com]
CROW: Close enough.
> and
> Alex Weisman [sonic90127@aol.com]
TOM: Eh, bug off, Weis guy.
>
> Poem at Six Swatbot Scene
CROW: She sells seashells by the six swatbot scene.
> From Bubblegum Crisis: Grand Mal #2
> by Dark Horse Comics
MIKE: Ah, plagiarism. Fun, fun, fun.
>
> Poem at Sonic and Tails' Talk
TOM: You know, The Talk.
> From Ghost Rider 2099 #1
> by Marvel Comics
CROW: It's just mahvelous.
>
> Song at Willow Tree Scene
MIKE: The Barney theme.
> Unforgiven
> from Metallica's self-titled release
CROW: Well, what did they title themselves?
>
> Song at Funeral
> See You On The Other Side
TOM: Of DEATH!!
> from Ozzy Ozborne's release, Ozmosis
ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. It is to laugh.
>
> Sources, with WWW Addresses, where appliable:
>
> Web Page Backgrounds
>
> Cusimano Computer Consultants
CROW: Cling to Crow's coolest cliques.
> http://walvisbay.terraort
TOM: The terraort... the terraort...
> .net/cusimano/lib/bkgrnd/fabrylw.htm
>
> Software Labs
> http://www.softwarelabs.com
MIKE: I believe that deserves a round of duh.
ALL: Duh.
>
> World Wide Web
CROW: Was wanting to win. Waaah!
MIKE: You're good at those.
CROW: Thanks!
> Providers and Access
>
> America On-Line
> http://www.aol.com
ALL: Duh!
>
> Netscape
> http://www.netscape.com
ALL: Duuuh!
>
> rat.org
> http://rat.org
ALL: Duuuuuh!
>
> Special Thanks to
> Paul Lapansee
MIKE: Put 'em up, ya La-pansee boy!
> [butcher
TOM: Yes, it's The Lapansee! With the ability to butcher a story left and
right!
> @iaw.on.ca]
MIKE: Ooo, "iawonca"! [ scribble ]
>
> Word Processing
CROW: Just set the blender for "Vaporize".
>
> WordPerfect for Windows v6.1, currently a product of Corel
TOM: A division of Conglomo(tm) Inc.
MIKE: Conglomo? [ scribble ]
> http://www.word
MIKE: im
> perfect.com
>
> Graphic Editors and Design
>
> Paint Shop Pro
CROW: Painter Dave Amateur.
> http://www.jasc.com
MIKE: [ scribble ]
>
> Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop
TOM: So they take pictures with pottery?
> http://www.abode.com
CROW: Oh, I get it, it's a "home" page! See? Home? Abode?
>
> Shareware Products
>
> Shareware.Com, a subsiderary of C-Net Online
TOM: Conglomo(tm): We Own You.
> http://www.shareware.com
ALL: Duuuuuuuh!
>
> Special Thanks to:
TOM: The Stupid Citizens and Officials of Rutland, Vermont.
>
> Southern Illinois University of Edwardsville
> http://www.siue.edu
BOTS: Sooooo-eeeee!
MIKE: [ scribble ]
>
> Metro Center for Life Management
CROW: He needs help tying his shoes, let alone managing his life!
>
> And all my fans and friends on the Internet. I could list them all, but
TOM: [ David ] It'd be injurious to my ego.
> it'll take ten megs on the list itself;
ALL: [ laugh their heads off in total disbelief ]
CROW: Oh, he's listing every person who ever sent him an e-mail or responded
to one of his posts in a group or posted to a group he ever read.
> it'll be rather boring,
MIKE: Well, he got that right.
> and some
> dork might use the list for some insideous plot. So, I'll just give a big
> hearty
CROW: Juicy fart.
MIKE: Ew!
> "Phrackin'
ALL: [ snicker loudly ]
> A" to all ot you--you know who you are.
TOM: And you're ashamed of it.
> :-)
CROW: >:-P
TOM: 8-O
MIKE: |-P
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 1
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Well, here we go.
CROW: I wish we had some Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses.
TOM: They'd probably shatter.
>
> The glass tube slides down around the Roboticizer, with a young human
MIKE: Who thinks that's David in there?
CROW: Definitely him.
TOM: No, he wouldn't roboticize himself so soon.
CROW: What if he's just giving himself a robotic add-on like Bunnie?
TOM: Hmm. That's possible. Oh, and also-- FANBOY!!
MIKE: Come on, not this again!
> without a left arm
ALL: Ewww!
> seated inside. A gas mask giving nitrous oxide is
> strapped over his face.
TOM: Whoa, like, he's gettin' drugged!
> When the tube snaps into place, a heads-up display
> gives a readout over the glass:
> Subject: Davey Crockett
TOM: [ singing ] Davey, Davey Omelette, leader of the *crap* frontier!
MIKE: So he's switched from David to Davey?
CROW: Better than "His Almighty Supreme Daverino".
> Operation: Replace Left Arm
CROW: Well, I was right!
TOM: Don't get cocky, dork.
> Est. Robotization: 12%
CROW: One arm is 12% of his body? That doesn't sound quite right.
MIKE: Well, that's probably close.
TOM: Yeah, but you'd think it'd be less, what with his swelled head.
> Ready to Proceed--Press Any Key.
TOM: Where's the "any" key?! I CAN'T FIND IT!!
> A fox dressed in a military dress
TOM: J. Edgar Hoover!
> and wearing a crown stands before
> Davey, carrying a hand-held touch screen. "It appears that you haven't woke
> up from your . . . accident,
CROW: [ gangster ] When you slept wit da fishes.
> in over a month, Dave," the fox says. "It
> appears that you don't want to wake up, do you?
MIKE: Hey, y'know, it's amazing how life imitates art, and I want to sleep
through this too!
> Can't say that I blame you,
CROW: Gee, thanks!
TOM: Quite a sympathetic fox.
MIKE: I don't think he was talking to us.
> after what happened with that Piasa Bird. You saved your city, only to be
> shot at for thanks! And over something your ancestors did to boot!
TOM: I think we missed some backstory here.
CROW: Good! The less we have to read, the better!
> I can
> see why you don't want to return to your world, my friend, but maybe I can
> entice you with something more." He gave the Roboticizer the go-ahead.
MIKE: [ fox ] I'll roboticize him some delicious pancakes!
> Two robot claws sprouted out from above, one was carrying a robotic
> left arm, the other clamped down on what's left of the left shoulder.
CROW: Ooh, kinky!
MIKE: Crow...
> Blue lightning courses through Davey's body, causing his eyes and head
> to twitch. It was as is he was having a nightmare.
CROW: And we is having a nightmare too. What a coincidence that are.
> When the claws snapped
> the robot arm into place, Davey's eyes snapped open.
TOM: Buh-link!
> He found himself seated inside a tube that was now rising into the
> ceiling. On the outside stood a regally dressed fox. "Welcome back to the
> land of the living, Mr. Crockett.
MIKE: [ fox ] Hopefully, your visit here will be short, if you know what I
mean.
> Don't be alarmed. You just got your arm
> back, although it's a robotic one. No hard feelings?"
> Davey looks to his left. Where a bleeding stump over a grossly removed
> left arm was
ALL: Ewwww!!
> is now a gleaming metal tube, hinged at the middle. At the
> shoulder, a grooved ball connects the arm to the shoulder, which has a
> grafting of flesh and metal. At the far end was a fully articulate hand.
> Davey spent some time trying it out before he gave his verdict:
MIKE: [ makes the OK sign ] It stinks!
> "Groovy!"
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The fox introduces himself as King Acorn,
TOM: A fox named "Acorn"? Sheesh, there's probably a rabbit around here who
goes by "Incisor"!
> monarch of a planet known as
> Mobius. "You've probably heard of a game called 'Sonic the Hedgehog,'
> haven't you, Davey?"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Uh... no?
> "I've played and beaten all the games, sir. I've even seen the comic
> book and both cartoon shows."
TOM: Hey, he sounds like you, Crow!
CROW: Take that back!!
> "Good, then all this will be review for you. Allow me to use your arm
> for a moment, please."
BOTS: Umm...
> King Acorn pushed a few buttons on Davey's robotic forearm and a
> holographic projector popped up.
BOTS: Phew.
> "What you were in when you came to was the original design of the
> infamous Roboticizer. It was built by one of our inventors named Charles
> Hedgehog for needs like your own: Limb replacements, birth defect removals,
CROW: Sex changes...
TOM: Species changes, more likely.
> medical repairs, and so on. The Roboticizer was celebrated as our greatest
> advancement in Mobian science, and it earned Charles his knighthood. But
> that was before . . ."
MIKE: Bob Barker.
> "That was before
MIKE: Michael Jackson.
> Doctor Ivo Robotnik."
> "You're a quick study, young man. I knew Doctor Robotnik before
TOM: We started dressing up in girls' clothing.
> as
> Julian, the captain of our robotic guard, or Swatbots as we call them, until
> he staged a military coup over me. He threw me into a dimensional portal to
> God knows where--
CROW: [ King Acorn ] Albuquerque, I believe.
TOM: [ King Acorn ] There was this gray rabbit...
MIKE: [ scribble ]
> I eventually ended up in your world--started to turn
> Mobius' citizens into robotic slaves with the Roboticizer, make more
> pollution in his time as dictator than your entire history put together . .
> . well, you know the rest."
TOM: [ King Acorn ] Or not. What do I care?
> "Including the fact that there is an underground freedom force on your
> planet led by your daughter, Princess Sally. That team includes Sonic the
> Hedgehog . . ."
> "The fastest mammal on two legs and Sega's multimedia starlet.
TOM: Hang on, who's talking here?
CROW: I think King Acorn.
TOM: Well, how the hell does he know anything about Sega?!
MIKE: Don't try to apply logic; you'll only make it hurt worse.
> I know.
> Now you know how I got into your world in general and your life in
> particular. Now I'm going to tell you why?"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Beats me. I'm not you.
> "I was hoping you would. It's not every day someone gets tapped on the
> shoulder by a talking fox."
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> "Humph.
CROW: [ King Acorn ] Bite me.
> I have compiled a package in computer data to my daughter in
> Knothole. It contains information vital in her mission to overthrow
> Robotnik and restore freedom to my home.
TOM: [ King Acorn ] And my recipe for finger sandwiches.
> All I need is a messenger to take
> it to her. I cannot do this myself, because of the nature of the portal I
> came through causes my body to crystallize when I return.
MIKE: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah babble babble, blah blah.
> I need someone
> who is not affected by what I call 'The Void' to go there for me."
TOM: [ Davey ] That's nice. Hope you find one.
> "And what you found was me.
CROW: [ King Acorn ] Well, yeah, you do suck, but you're the best I could
find. Pathetic, eh?
> Well, it's not that I've got any plans for
> the rest of my life, up to the point that I got my left arm back. I'll do
> it."
> "Good. I was hoping you would."
MIKE: Is there an echo in here?
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "I have uploaded my letter into a computer terminal encased in your
> robotic forearm," King Acorn told Davey, as they stood before a wireframe
> pyramid. "It also includes a secret map that will lead you to Knothole, the
> village where Princess Sally's freedom fighters reside in.
CROW: Geez, he's pretty trusting! Davey could be, like, Robotnik's son or
something!
> Here, take my
> ring. It will let Sally know that it was I who sent you."
MIKE: Is there an echo in here?
> "Yes, Sir," Davey said as he slipped the ring into his human hand.
TOM: The one that he kept on a leash and took for walks every day?
MIKE: No.
> "However, I must warn you that the void may affect you in the same
> manner that affects me; I can take you there, but I cannot guarantee that
> you could return to your own."
CROW: So he'll be stuck on a planet far from Earth.
[ very short pause ]
TOM: Go for it, Davey!
CROW: Yeah! Deliver that message!
> "That's okay, Sir. You can probably guess that I'm not too fond of
> this planet. It has advanced technology and some of the people are somewhat
> enlightened, and you might consider yourself honored to be able to get over
> here. But I ran smack dab into the darker side of humanity and paid for it
> out of my own hide."
ALL: 5 bucks!
> "I'll let you know that I would not allow what happened to you in my
> home planet. No matter what your ancestors did long ago, it should not be
> that you have to pay for their crimes."
TOM: [ King Acorn ] Of course, you'll be paying for writing this fanfic in
spades.
CROW: Now *that's* a crime.
> "True. However, there are some cultures on this planet that are so
> caught up in their bitter past that their own rage has blinded them to the
> innocence of the children of their ancient tormentors today.
MIKE: That was a truly freaky sentence.
TOM: I count ten words that begin with T-H.
> For them, am I
> the face of the world in which they want to live in? A world where every
> atrocity is met by another? Where justice and equality is decided by who is
> more hate-filled--who is more morally bankrupt-- than the other?
TOM: [ Butthead ] Uhh... I dunno.
> Your
> Majesty, I do not want to be the face of their future."
> "I understand, son. Allow me to show you a brighter path than the one
> you see before you. Maybe it will be a healing experience to you as well."
> King Acorn flipped a switch on the pyramid.
CROW: Wait, what pyramid? There's a pyramid?
MIKE: They mentioned it after the last dash line.
> The pyramid sprang to life with a deafening hum.
MIKE: Aah! I'm deafened!
TOM: Didn't it know the words?
MIKE: What?
> A black and white
> swirl formed in the middle. "Behold, Davey Crockett, The Void.
ALL: *Dah* dah DAAAAAHH!!!
> The gateway
> to the planet Mobius. I have programmed this portal to exit as close to
> Knothole as possible, but I am not sure about exactly where you'll end up."
TOM: Hopefully Robotropolis.
> "I understand, King Acorn. I'm ready." Davey shook King Acorn's hand
> for one final time. "Good luck, my son,
TOM: [ Davey ] King Acorn... you are my father.
CROW: [ King Acorn ] NOOOOOOO!!!
> and God speed."
> With that Davey turned toward the hypnotic swirl and leapt into it.
MIKE: I-will-leap-into-the-swirl-it-is-much-better-than-Cats.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 2
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
>
> The next thing Davey Crockett knew, he was slammed against a metal
> wall, knocking his wind out for a moment. Next he heard the thump-thump
> thump of
MIKE: The audience's heart palpitations.
> a toe tapping. He looked up to find a blue hedgehog above him.
> "Well?"
> Davey recognized him immediately. "You must be Sonic."
TOM: [ Groucho Marx ] Or I must be crazy.
> "That's who I am, but who on Mobius are you?"
> Just then a girl squirrel sped around a corner and into the scene.
ALL: Splat!!
> "Sonic, who's this guy."
CROW: [ Sally ] Is he Question Mark Destroying Man.
> "That's what I wanna know, Sal. The void just appeared outta nowhere
> and spewed him out. It's gone now, by the way."
> "Sal?" Davey asked, "as in Princess Sally Acorn?"
CROW: Hey, wait, if she's a squirrel, and her dad's a fox, then WHAT'S GOING
ON?
> "Yes, I am," the squirrel said.
MIKE: Who wants ta know?
> "Great. That makes my job that much easier." Davey got up. "My names
CROW: [ Davey ] I have 17 names. Wanna hear them all?
> Davey Crockett. I bring a message from your father, King Acorn." He holds
> up his right hand.
> Sally's face lights up when she sees her father's ring. After a
> moment, she looked at Davey. "You're coming with us."
TOM: I count one, two, three tense changes in those two paragraphs.
> "Hey, waitaminute Sally! Look at his left arm--It's
MIKE: [ Sonic ] All green and moldy! Yuck!
> roboticized!! For
> all we know, Ro-butt-nik's found the fountain of youth--"
> "HEDGEHOG AND SQUIRREL--PRIORITY
TOM: [ robot? ] SEVENTEEN. LET'S GO GET A BEER INSTEAD.
> ONE"
> Several Swat-Bots entered the scene.
CROW: [ yeah, robot ] ALMS, ALMS FOR THE BOTS?
> "Wanna bet?" Davey said as he grabbed Sally and booked out of the
> corridor while Sonic dived into the Swats.
> "Quick, Davey, in here," Sally said, pointing to a storage room. Davey
> went in and locked the door behind him.
TOM: What about Sonic and Sally?
MIKE: Forget them, Davey G's the hero of *this* story!
> Sally looked around and found some computer chips that she came to
> Robotoplis
MIKE: He can't even spell Robotropolis?
TOM: Hey, I was right!
> for.
CROW: [ Sally ] Dah dee dah, [ whistle ] la la la--hey, look! Some computer
chips! Uh, just what I was looking for!
> ("Robotoplis?"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Oh my god, I can't spell worth beans!
> Davey cried as he found out where he was.
> "Sire, your aim on your void sucks!")
CROW: So, King Acorn misses the toilet when he's voiding himself.
MIKE: Crow! Yuck!
> Davey found a jetpack to strap to his
CROW: [ Beavis ] Thingy. Heh heh heh.
> belt and a shotgun.
> An English-accented voice came from just outside. "Come on out,
> Princess. I know you're in there." It was Snivley,
ALL: THAT'S SNIVELY!!
> and someone else in a
> struggle. "I've got your boyfriend, Sonic,
CROW: Sonic has a boyfriend?
> and now I've come for you."
> Suddenly, the door blew away, smashing into the Swat that was holding
> Sonic, removing the arm with the hedgehog. Five seconds later, Snively got
> a good look at a gun toting Davey Crockett.
MIKE: That's a crock of crap.
> "What about me, Dipstick?"
TOM: [ Snively ] I can't kill him! He's a personification of the author!
> Davey fired on the remaining Swats, downing them all in a barrage of robot
> body parts and motor oil in so many seconds. Before anyone knew it, the
> hallway was littered with mechanical limbs and sparking wires, and the walls
> got a fresh coat of crude.
BOTS: AAAAAAUGH!!
MIKE: Um... there, there.
> Sally got out of the shock of the sudden storm of violence to go to
> Sonic. "I can't believe you got caught."
> "Sally, Snively's got a robot version of myself! He's just as fast as
> I am!"
CROW: Why's he surprised? They met in Sonic CD!
TOM: [ murmured ] fanboy.
> "Correct you are, hedgehog! Mecha Sonic, Get those three!"
> "As you wish boss," said a mechanic version of Sonic's voice
TOM: A voice with a visible butt crack?
MIKE: That's plumbers, not mechanics.
> from the
> darkness, large red and black eyes glowed ominously.
> "Let's get outta here!" Sally cried as she and Sonic sped away--at an
> equally high speed!
CROW: Seven.
MIKE: Seven what?
CROW: Just seven.
> Davey followed the best he can with his jetpacks.
> "Princess, how in the heck can you run this fast?"
> "It's a long story. I'd tell you, but right now isn't the time. And
> Davey, please, call me
TOM: [ Sally ] Fat. It helps me stick to my New Year's resolution.
> 'Sally'."
> "All right, Sally. Let's get you back to Knothole so we can swap some
> files, Okay?"
MIKE: [ Dave ] And then we can have a slumber party! We'll invite Shirley, and
Mary, and we'll eat bon-bons.
> The trio screeched to a stop just outside the building fifty Swats
> encircled around them.
TOM: Ack! Does that sentence need a period, a period and a comma, or a comma
and a period?
MIKE: Multiple choice!
CROW: Ah yes, it's Fill-In-the-Punctuation-Blank.
> "I've got the back," Davey shouted. "Can you two
> handle them?"
> "No sweat, Davey Crockett," Sonic replied. "C'mon, Sal, it's double
> ring time!"
BOTS: Wonder Twin powers, activate!
> Davey stood straight arrow in front of the dark corridor, aiming his
> shotgun directly at the red eyes rapidly approaching.
TOM: Hey, he must be in that one Earthworm Jim level. Remember that?
MIKE: Yeah.
CROW: [ nod ]
> "All right, pal,
> what's on your mind?"
TOM: [ Brak ] I like cheese. How many times does 17 go into 945? I need some
Visine. Why is the sky brown? Do they ever sell pu-pu-pu-pu platters?
My feet hurt. Is that a fish I smell? I like lemons. Hey, is that Elvis?
MIKE: [ Space Ghost ] Are you finished?
> Sonic and Sally held up the power ring, which makes them and the ground
> around them glow golden fire. "I d-d-don't t-t-think I-I-I c-c-can get used
> t-t-to t-t-this, Sonic-c-c . . . "
TOM: [ low voice ] We've replaced Sonic's girlfriend with Porky Pig... let's
see if he notices a difference.
> "Don't worry Sal, it took me six months to get used to power rings.
> You've only been jucin'
MIKE: This fanfic was *not* brought to you by the letter I.
> for two whole weeks . . . Get ready . . . "Sonic's
> voice was drowned by the glow going nova.
CROW: Uh, his voice was drowned out by bright light?
> It brightly illuminated Davey's
> current target before he got into point-blank range. Mecha Sonic looks
> exactly like Sonic would look roboticized, Davey thought, and then he pulled
> the trigger. Mecha Sonic was thrown back into the dark hallway almost as
> fast as he came in.
TOM: [ totally unexpectedly ] SILLY BREAK!!
> That was the rifle's last
CROW: Sausage!
> round, so Davey
TOM: Blew his nose on it!
> threw it at the next
MIKE: Spice girl!
> Swat he
CROW: Stuck up his nose!
> saw; this one was riding a
TOM: Gigantic frog!
> hover cycle. He
MIKE: Fell down and hurt himself!
> jacked the
CROW: Apple tree!
> bike, grabbed another
TOM: Nose!
> gun from the next nearest
MIKE: Miss America!
> Swat and charged
ALL: SO TAKE AWAY HIS CREDIT CARD!!
> into the
CROW: Wall!
> fray Sonic and Sally was
ALL: [ snicker ]
> in. Robots were still
TOM: Purple!
> flying everywhere, although
MIKE: I didn't care!
> the flying oilshed was at
CROW: France!
> a minimum, until he started
TOM: Spitting up!
> shooting at
MIKE: His pants!
> the poor robots who got too close.
TOM: OK, silly break's over.
> "Anyone around here needs a ride outta here?"
TOM: Hey, I said the silly break was over!
MIKE: Now that was an action scene worthy of Marrissa Flores Picard.
> "I do!" Sally cried as she hopped on, her boots were smoking.
MIKE: Won't they ever kick the habit? [ chuckle ]
> "You all right?"
> "OwOwOw! Hot Feet!
CROW: [ Davey ] Perhaps the flaming torch wasn't subtle enough.
> How can Sonic handle it?"
> "Must be the shoes, I guess?"
MIKE: Air Hedgehogs.
CROW: That's where the question mark from Sally's question went.
> Sally slaps herself.
TOM: [ Sally ] Fresh!
> "Arrgh! I just remembered, I've got new boots at
> Minoc Grove! I should've waited."
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> "Hard to wait when you're up to your eyeballs in Swats." David shoots
> down another.
BOTS: [ sob ]
> "Or in Swat parts. Just remember to watch your aim on that thing, you
> could hit a friend of mine."
> Davey slaps himself.
TOM: [ Davey ] Fresh!
MIKE: [ singing ] Oh yeah, oh yeah, whole lotta slapping goin' on!
> "Oh crud, I forgot! Some of these 'bots is
ALL: [ snicker ]
> actually roboticized Mobians!"
> "No, not here. This is a Swatbot factory. You'll know a Worker Bot
> when you see one; they'll look so cute you'll like to hug one."
> "I'll stick with fur, thank you. So, make a personal note: Don't go,
CROW: No, please *do* go!
> 'Kill 'em all, let Robotnik sort them out!'"
> "C'mon," Sonic stopped just enough to say, "Let's go!"
> Davey did a hoverbike's version of
TOM: "Some stupid maneuver".
> a peel-out and sped towards the main
> gate leading outside. It was closed tight and had several Swats standing
> guard.
> "Sonic, the ring--PASS IT!" Sonic threw it like a frisbee without
> thinking beforehand, as usual.
TOM: So Sonic is a moron?
MIKE: Of course. He can't compare to the all powerful Davey.
> When Davey caught it, he accelerated full
> throttle on a collision course toward that gate.
> "Davey, you don't have to do this to impress me."
CROW: Into bondage?
MIKE: Crow!
> "All I'm asking, Princess, is if you got any fingers left, I suggest
> you close them."
> "Oh, boy." Sally grabbed on tight to Davey's pants.
CROW: Ewww, even I don't like that line.
> At this point, Sonic's brain caught up with the rest of him. "Hey!
> That ring won't work on you!"
> Davey leaned over the bars and held the power ring forward. It sparked
> to life, shooting star-fire toward the gate like a roman candle.
TOM: Isn't "Roman" capitalized?
CROW: Why ask why?
> "Never mind."
> The main gate exploded by the blasts, blowing shards of steel into the
> Swats guarding it. They could only twitch and bleed oil
BOTS: [ sob, choke ]
> as they got a good
> look at the newest and by far the deadliest Freedom Fighter
ALL: [ snort derisively ]
> rode past, only
> pausing enough to splatter one more into oblivion.
>
BOTS: [ sob ]
MIKE: Hey, guys, don't be so sad. How about we go get some ice cream?
BOTS: Yaaaay!!
MIKE: That's the spirit.
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 1 of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com
-or-
gleemoth@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com)
Part 2 of 9
[ INT SOL. Everyone's lined up across the counter, eating ice cream. There are
two weird looking gadgets on the counter, one in front of Tom and Gypsy. ]
GYPSY: Mmm. Thanks, Mike.
CROW: Yeah, this was a great idea.
TOM: Nothing like a little ice cream every so often.
MIKE: Sure thing.
TOM: And this ice-cream-spoon-server-thingy-invention is great! [ He pokes
the gadget with his beak. It creaks and deposits some ice cream in said
beak. ]
MIKE: Yeah, I modified some plans the other guy left lying around.
CROW: So, Mike, what do you think'll happen with the fanfic?
MIKE: Well, I expect he'll fall in love with one of the locals.
TOM: Then, he'll get turned into some sort of furry creature.
MIKE: Right. Next, he'll destroy a bunch of robots--
BOTS: ACK!
MIKE: Sorry. And he'll gain even more power than before and live happily ever
after with his girlfriend.
GYPSY: Makes fanfic sense, I guess.
MIKE: At least until the sequel.
BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
MIKE: Oops.
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
MIKE: Ah, great, we've got Davey Sign!!
TOM: My Mint Chocolate Chip!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 3
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Oh mah stars, is this guy the biggest hunk yawl ever seen?"
ALL: No.
> Bunnie
> Rabbot cried as she snuggled up to Davey's right leg. She only went up to
> his thigh, but then she expanded her robot legs and got into his chest.
> "And looky here, this one's got some fur! Oh, Sally Girl, grab a limb,
> there's enough man here for all of Knothole!"
ALL: Ewwwww!
> "He ess big, all right," Antoine DeCollette answered, then noticed the
> left arm.
TOM: [ Antoine ] It's all green and moldy! Yuk!
> "Ess
CROW: Aitch Eye--
MIKE: Don't finish.
> eet moi, or did Robotnik found ze Fountain of Youth?"
> "He's definitely not Ro-Butt-Nik, Twain.
MIKE: Anyone attempting to find a plot will have a lot of work ahead of him or
her.
> You should've seen how he
> trashes Swats! And I do mean Trash!!!! We are talking MA-17 mode here!
> Oil and wires and chips flying all around him! Robot corpses lying at his
> wake! See that tube in his mouth? He ripped it out of a Crabmeat with his
> own teeth!"
TOM: Wah! Wah!
CROW: I wanna go home!
MIKE: Look, Crow, Tom, you two head out and finish your ice cream with Gypsy,
OK? Take a longer break. I'll hold up the fort here.
TOM: [ sniffle ] Thanks.
[ Crow carefully carries Tom out of the theater. ]
> "He did not, Sonic!"
> "Hey Sal, I'm on a roll here! Where did King Acorn found him?
MIKE: I don't know where King Acorn find him.
> Psychos'R'Us?"
MIKE: We create total loonies and pass the savings on to YOU!
> "Sonic . . .
MIKE: [ Sally ] Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
> <sighs, turns to assembled Freedom Fighters> . . . I
> would like to introduce Davey Crockett. He's a messenger sent by my father.
> I think that message is in your
MIKE: [ Sally ] Pants. [ pause ] Oh, great. Crow's rubbing off on me.
> robot arm."
> "Okay." Davey said, held his arm up,
MIKE: And put his other hand on that arm.
> and pressed a button. The
> holographic projector sprang up.
> King Acorn appeared in mid-air:
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, lick me.
> "Hello Sally, it's good to get to speak to you again. A lot has
> happened since I was able to temporary return to you.
MIKE: [ King Acorn ] I think I left behind my ability to use grammar.
> I have made several
> discoveries to aid us in our battle against Robotnik.
MIKE: [ King Acorn ] A delicious figgy pudding.
> The ability to send
> Davey here is one. It is one step closer to me being able to return to
> Mobius for good. I have copied all of my findings in a CD-ROM, which you
> will find in Davey's robot shoulder. <On cue,
MIKE: Davey started singing the theme song to "DuckTales".
> a CD-ROM slid out of that
> spot, ripping through the shirt.
MIKE: Riiiiiiiiippp!!
> Rotor took the disk.
MIKE: [ Rotor ] Gimme it! I wannit!
> > It also contains
> several design files and computer programs from Davey's world. I assure
> you, they will be quite useful.
MIKE: [ King Acorn ] You can sort your comic book collection with this one
program over here.
> My daughter, there is not a day that passes
> by without me thinking of you. As much as I wish to return home, I had to
> settle to sending Davey in my place, and he I give to you.
MIKE: [ Sally ] Oh, thanks a *lot*, Dad.
> Good bye, Sally.
> I love you always."
>
> The hologram ends, the lights turn back on, and Sally was found crying
> on Davey's shoulder.
MIKE: [ monotone ] Oh the emotion of it all I am swept by the amazing and yet
delicate prose thank you Davey for this fanfic.
> After a moment, when she dried her eyes, she looked at
> him and thanked him for what he did.
MIKE: [ Sally ] Thank you for making me cry.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "So Sal, what are you going to do with the psycho, er.
MIKE: What the heck is a "psycho er"?
> I mean Davey,"
> Sonic asked while munching on a chili dog.
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Mrrmphrrfwmmgrmfnd. [ Sally ] What?
> "I dunno, Sonic. I thought about returning him to his home, but not
> only don't I know how,
MIKE: Woohoo!
> but I'm afraid that the crystallization that almost
> killed Daddy might strike him as well."
> "In other worlds, he's stuck here."
MIKE: Woohoo times two!
> "I'm afraid so. Rotor, what would you find about that left arm of
> his?"
MIKE: [ Rotor ] Well, stuff, probably.
> "Nothing but incredible, Sally! Davey's robot arm is, in essence, a
> souped-up Nicole, but he has on-line satellite access and a data wire that
> gives him direct access into any computer on Mobius. If you believe in
> 'Knowledge is Power' . . . "
MIKE: Then the author must be really wimpy?
> "Then Davey Crockett could be the most powerful Freedom Fighter on
> Mobius! Man, we've got to keep him! Besides, he followed us here."
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Can we keep him? [ pause ] It doesn't really work when that's
what the author intended.
> "Yeah, right, but I wonder how he'll fit in here. He does look like a
> young Robotnik."
> "Sal, Sal, Sal.
MIKE: [ Sonic ] How can you be so stupid? So idiotic? So-- [ Sally ] Hey!
> Ro-Butt-Nik would not play Terminator with the Swats.
> Imagine what he'll do against Tubby himself when he gets back. His check is
MIKE: Bounced?
> definitely good here. By the way, where is he?"
MIKE: [ Sally ] Um, he had to, you know, go.
> "When I saw him leave the hut, I think he was heading for the ring
> lake. I'll go see if I can find a place for him to crash in." Rotor
> leaves.
MIKE: Was Rotor in the room? I didn't notice.
> "So, Sonic. Do you think Robotnik'll return?"
> "Haven't a clue,
MIKE: Hey, what's new?
> but I do doubt that he's gone for good."
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Bad guys always come back. It's in the Villain Rulebook.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Crow and Tom come back into the theater. Crow has an ice cream cone. ]
CROW: We're back and feeling great!
TOM: That extra time off really helped. I don't care if Davey kills a million
robots now!
MIKE: That's the spirit! It's just a fanfic. We know none of this actually
happened.
CROW: Right.
MIKE: Did anything happen while I was in here?
TOM: Pearl was ranting about some red fox character she met.
MIKE: Hm.
CROW: Here. I brought you some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
MIKE: Thanks. [ He takes the cone from Crow. ]
>
> Three full moons reflect their light into the lake. A flat stone skips
> the length, breaking the mirror-like reflection with its ever-increasing
> circles. A second was thrown, then a third. Several more flew away from
> the human arm of a Dimensionally Displaced
MIKE: Mattress named Zem.
> , and very homesick,
CROW: "Sick". Let's just stick with that word.
> Davey
> Crockett. When he ran out of stones to throw, he looked up at the multitude
> of stars above him.
TOM: Wait, those are the rocks that he threw.
MIKE, CROW: [ cartoon falling whistle ]
> One of these specks may be my home planet, Davey said to himself, not
> realizing that he was being watched by someone in the woods. I wonder
> what's going on out there right now. Do they know that I'm gone? Do they
> care?
TOM: Wha?
CROW: Gah?
MIKE: I think he's thinking to himself. There's no italics here; it's just
text.
> And what of the fox that scraped me off
CROW: The middle of the highway.
> that dark alley, replaced my
> lost arm with this cyborg one, and sent me here? I pray that he comes here
> soon. I pray for his safety in general. Planet Earth ain't the paridice
TOM: Or three dice, for that matter.
> God created.
MIKE: What if you pick the wrong religion? Every day you're just making God
madder and madder.
> I'd rather call it a hell-hole. He flops on a nearby log
MIKE: OK, I don't think he's thinking anymore.
> and
> raises his voice a little.
TOM: You mean his thinking voice, or his brain voice, or something.
CROW: You're making an unfair assumption.
TOM: What's that?
CROW: The assumption that Davey has a brain.
> Well, your majesty. I sent your letter to your
> daughter.
MIKE: Um, now, he's... thinking again.
> What the hell am I supposed to do now? He taps some keys on his
MIKE: Electric keyboard! Righteous tune, dude!
TOM: Rockin'!
CROW: BWAAAAARRR!!!
> left arm, and some new age music from an earthling artist named Enya
MIKE: [ Bowyer ] Play music I will! Listen to it you must, Enya!
> played
> from it.
> He hears someone coming near from the darkness of the forest. He
> looked towards the noise, and sees a small fox with two tails.
TOM: Could that be "Tails", perhaps?
MIKE: You never know. Everyone and their cousin has a Mobian personification,
and a surprising amount is related to one of the main characters.
CROW: Yeah. This could be maybe Matthew Prower.
> "Hi there,
> kit," Davey told him, holding out his hand as he would to a puppy in his
> world. "You friendly? I won't bite."
CROW: Oh, he bites, all right.
> The fox approached, hesitantly at
> first, sniffing him out. That robot left arm and the red color of his eyes
> does give Davey "the Robotnik look,"
MIKE: Hey, I thought only women had The Look.
> but his friendly smile and King Acorn's
> ring on the right ring finger dispels the fox's fears. He must've been in
> the Roboticizer and Sonic rescued him just a wee bit late, the fox reasoned
> to himself.
CROW: Yeah, rationalize, that's the ticket!
> Maybe I should make him feel at home. He does look lonely. By
> this time, the fox is close enough to be petted by the human's right hand,
> causing his twin brushes to wag.
> "I bet everybody calls you 'Tails,' don't they?"
TOM: [ Tails ] Nah, they call me Elliot.
> "Yessir."
> "Hey, call me Davey, please. Save the formalities for royalty like King
> Acorn, the Princess, or that french dude that's here."
MIKE: Pierre Escargot!
CROW: Plais retenir vos depuis mon radiateur: please keep your hands from my
radiator! Ha ha, ha, ha ha ha!
TOM: You know French?
CROW: I bought a book on learning French around 2215.
> "You must mean Antoine. He can be funny sometimes."
> "I reckon you'd be too when eating hedgehog backwash."
> Tails giggles hard enough to fall back on his tails.
> The duo was joined by a pink girl hedgehog. Tails introduces her as
TOM: Oh, great, three different tenses in a row. "Giggles", "was joined",
"introduces".
> Amy Rose. "You must be Davey Crockett the guy King Acorn sent here to
> deliver a message to Princess Sally and looks like Ro-Butt-Nik's found the
> fountain of youth and return to give us all h-e-double-hockey-sticks."
> "I sense a trend here."
TOM: The suckiness trend?
CROW: And in other news, the level of crap on Mobius has dangerously risen
ever since a human calling himself "Davey Crockett" arrived.
> "Uh maybe I shouldn't tell you about the rumor that you're a psycho because
> you like to shoot holes into Swatbots and watch them bleed 10W40 all over?"
BOTS: [ nothing ]
MIKE: Guys? You okay?
CROW: Yeah, Mike.
TOM: Fine.
> Davey jokingly mocked menace: "Looks like a certain blue hedgehog's gonna
> lose some of his rings a punch at a time."
> "I'd pay good money to see you try it."
CROW: I'd pay better money to see him lose.
> "Yeah Davey, Sonic's not the leader of the Freedom Fighters for nothing."
> "Yeah, I know--wait a minute. What's that in the water?" Tails ran
> toward a dock into the lake. A golden glow is forming in the water.
> "Alright! Another power ring is coming. Come over here and see this,
> Davey. It's gonna be cool!"
TOM: [ Davey ] Will it increase my chances of taking over the world?
MIKE: [ Tails ] Uh, maybe.
TOM: [ Davey ] In that case, let's go!
> Davey stood at the edge of the dock and looked straight down into the
> glow.
CROW: [ Davey ] Ow! I'm blind!
> A bright white circle formed within the glow and approached. The
> world turned to black on gold as the power ring broke the water.
TOM: Snap!
MIKE: That was pointless.
> "Way past
> cool, ain't it?" Tails asked. Davey could only stand in awe
ALL: Awwwwwww...
> as the power
> ring hovered in front of him. Slowly, he reached out to touch it. Again,
> the glow went nova.
CROW: Wow.
> Tails had to cover his eyes to avoid being blinded. He
> cried out to Sonic, but he couldn't hear his own voice.
MIKE: What?
> When the glow
> finally subsided,
CROW: So, once again, when something glows, that means you can't hear
anything?
> he saw that everyone in Knothole has heard him, but they
> were all staring at the dock that Davey was at.
TOM: Oh, now this is the epitome of crappy grammar! He changed tense TWICE in
ONE SENTENCE!!
MIKE: Tom, calm dowm. It's not that bad.
> Tails turned around toward
> the human.
> He saw a red fox holding the power ring and wearing the human's cap, he
> recognized it as Davey's because of the racoon tail attached on the back.
> "Way past cool!
MIKE: OK, recognizable catchphrase; that's Sonic talking.
> The power ring's changed him into a fox!"
> "Oh mah stars,
MIKE: Southern accent; Bunnie speaking.
> he just keeps gettin cuter every time I see him."
ALL: Ri-i-ight.
> "This is great,
MIKE: Hmm. I don't know, maybe Tails.
> now he can pass
CROW: Gas.
> as one of us."
> "Maybe I can geet
MIKE: Crummy French accent, that's Antoine.
> a power ring and be as tall as him, yes?"
TOM: No.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Fellow Freedom Fighters," Sally said in the evening campfire. "Today
> another Freedom Fighter has joined our ranks. A hero sent by my father to
> help us bring victory in our fight for freedom.
CROW: [ Sally ] Join me in giving the finger to my father.
> Hopefully, we will treat
> him a lot better than how he was treated in his home world. Everyone, I
> give you, Davey Crockett."
> "Davey stood up and tipped his hat to a round of applause.
CROW: Who's talking?
TOM: Hm, applause, that must mean he's giving a farewell speech.
> "H-Hi. I
MIKE: [ Dave ] Am spontaneously channeling the spirit of Porky Pig.
> would like to thank everyone, especially the Royal Family of Acorn, for
> having me. Er, Sally, you want this ring on my finger?"
> "Keep it."
MIKE: [ Sally ] It's got poison needles in, er, I mean, I'm allergic to gold.
> "It's from your father."
> "Keep it."
CROW: Oh, great, Sally's needle's stuck.
TOM: <whack whack> Maybe that'll fix it.
> "It could be all you'd see from King Acorn for a while."
> "Keep it.
TOM: Guess not.
> I want you to give it to him when he returns."
> "Okay, then. <Davey turns around> Hey, Hey, Hey, what are you people,
> the Freedom Fighters or a picture I drew?
MIKE: No!! Please not a picture he drew!
> Let's hear a 'To A Free Mobius'
> out there!!!!"
CROW: Wow. Four exclamation points.
TOM: The best I've ever managed was three.
> Cue a round of hooping and hollering from everyone as they welcomed him
> in.
MIKE: --to the snake pit.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: [ suave ] I do look dashing, don't I?
>
> Later into the night, Sally walked by the campfire to find Davey
> singing some song that she haven't heard to the tune of something she
> recognized.
BOTS: The hell?
> Apparently the notes being played matched too much with a song
> from his planet:
>
> On a dark desert highway
> Cool wind in my hair
MIKE: Where'd I put my comb?
> Warm smell of colitas
> Rising up through the air
TOM: Oops. 'scuse me.
> Up ahead in the distance
> I saw a shimmering light
CROW: OK, who lit a match?
MIKE: <fwooom>
> My head grew
CROW: Rather swelled.
> heavy, and my sight grew dim
TOM: It's these blasted Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses.
> I had to stop for the night
MIKE: Because I had to... well, ya know... go.
> There she stood in the doorway
> I heard the mission bell
CROW: Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to KILL DAVEY!!
MIKE, TOM: We accept!
> And I was thinking to myself
> This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
ALL: It's Hell.
> Then she lit up a candle
MIKE: <fwooom>
> And she showed me the way
TOM: Right over there. Ignore the giant fire-breathing dragon, he's, uh,
domesticated.
> There were voices down the corridor
> I thought I heard them say
MIKE: [ voice ] David... I am your--
CROW: We already did one of those.
MIKE: Oh yeah.
>
> Welcome to the Hotel California
MIKE: Da da da da da da da da.
> Such a lovely place
> Such a lovely place
CROW: Echo!
MIKE: Echo!
> Such a lovely face
TOM: And whose face would *that* be?
> Plenty of room at the Hotel California
MIKE: Da da da da da da da da.
> Any time of year
> Any time of year
CROW: Echo!
MIKE: Echo!
> You can find it here
> You can find it here
CROW: Science!
MIKE: Rules!
CROW: Huh?
>
> She smiled one more time for the night
CROW: So David Gonterman equals Ryan Huber plus Stephen Ratliff?
TOM: I guess.
> and retired to her hut.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 4
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: We smile no more.
>
> The unearthly sound of Davey Crockett throwing up
ALL: Ewww!
> greeted knothole
> village the morning after the night he arrived. It came from Sonia
> Hedgehog's hut, who drew the short straw to find out with who he'll sleep
> with
ALL: Eewwwww!!
> until he got his own hut. Sasha Prower, a healer-slash-mage and Tail's
> cousin, and Rosie, the grandmothery nanny of Knothole, were headed there.
> "It sounded like Davey, Rosie," Sasha said. "Either Sonia's playing too
> rough with the guy . . ."
ALL: Eeewwwwwww!!!
> "Or th' last twenty-four hours hav' caught up t' th' poor lad. Ye
> remember, Sasha. Davey's been fed into th' Roboticizer, chucked through th'
> Void, and had his species changed.
CROW: At least it wasn't a sex change. That'd be *really* painful.
> An' all in th' same day . . ."
> " . . .why, no, Davey. I don't exactly envy you right about now," Sonia
> said to the human-turned-fox
CROW: Yeah, like we need a reminder.
> who was vomiting for the fifth time into the
> john.
ALL: Eeeewwwyuck!!!
[ Everyone ducks down and hides under the chairs. ]
> "Maybe giving you that chili dog late night snack wasn't a good idea.
> Hope you're no mad. . ."
> "Wuz that ya said? Ah's buzy . . ."
> "Buzy puking your guts out, I see. I wouldn't be surprised if your
> biochip fell outta your mouth."
> "Ha-Ha-Ha! Now that's an image burned int' memory fo' th' rest o' th'
> day. Ha-Ha--HARRUGGH!"
> He hacked three more times into the toilet, but nothing came up. "I'm
> afraid you are on empty, Big Guy." "Aw, crud. It's harder t' tell the ol'
> gag reflex to quit it when there's nothing left to puke."
CROW: Go see if it's done yet.
[ Mike gets up from under the chair. ]
> "Ach," said an incoming Rosie
MIKE: Incoming!!
[ He ducks back down. ]
> , "Look at ye, Crockett. Ye look like
> roadkill."
> "So that's what ah fell like?"
> "C'mon," interjected Sasha, "Let's get you back to bed."
> Davey managed to flush the toilet and lower the seat ("That was awfully
> nice o' him.") before he collapsed on his bed, actually, it was a cot that
> didn't compensate for the extra foot of legs that Davey left sagged on the
> floor.
[ Mike peeks up above the chair. ]
MIKE: The coast is clear, fellas.
> Sasha set her hands on the tall fox and both started to glow. "It's not
> really bad,
TOM: When did this moron attend college? When you're puking, it's not exactly
a good thing.
> it's probably a rough day catching up with him. I especially
> sense the stress between his roboticized shoulder and . . . his . . ."
CROW: [ Sasha ] Elf.
> She gasped.
TOM: [ Sasha ] I left the oven on!
> Her eyes dilated. Her fur turned white. "What's wrong
> Sasha? You look as if you seen a . . ."
> Sasha managed to lift the lid of the porcelain altar before adding her
> offering to Davey's.
MIKE: Speeeeew!
CROW: Literally.
> "His . . . His arm . . . Oh, God."
CROW: [ God ] Yes?
> "What is it, Lass?
TOM: Oh, there's a typo.
MIKE: You mean the capitalized L?
TOM: No, I mean the extra L.
> What's wrong?"
> "I-I just saw his left arm. It was
BOTS: Green and moldy?
> chopped off--NO!
MIKE: [ Sasha ] It WASN'T!
> It was SHOT off!
> It's lying in a pool of Davey's own blood. Hand . . . twitching . . .
MIKE: Spew and a half!
> crying out for mercy . . . But, was only greeted . . . with blood . . . and
> metal."
CROW: And we have title, ladies and gentlemen!
> "Oh my. Y'mean his arm wasn't roboticized!?!?"
> "No, Sonia. It was removed."
ALL: *Dah* dah DAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
TOM: Hey, he should be thankful he still has working arms! My arms don't even
work at all!!
CROW: And you've got nothin' to complain about either, Tom. Coconut Monkey
doesn't even *have* arms!
MIKE: [ CM ] Hello, I am Coconut Monkey. Welcome to my island paradise. I
would point out the many interesting sights to you, but sadly, I have no
hands.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Removed, you say,"
TOM: By Jove!
> Sally asked as she arrived into the hut. "That was
> one of the original uses of the Roboticizer, until Robotnik got his hands on
> it, of course. Will the poor dear be all right?"
MIKE: [ Sally ] Oh, and Davey, too.
> Sasha was still gasping for breath. "That depends on what you mean my
> 'all right!'"
> Sally couldn't find anything about Davey from Nicole,
CROW: Other than the obvious, "he's a moron", "a crappy fanfic author", that
sort of thing.
> so she wanted to
> link up to his computer for an update.
TOM: [ Sally ] Oh, that Dilbert. Hee hee hee.
> She also wanted to catch him up to
> speed on Mobian current events, especially the parts about Robotnik leaving
> the planet for the time being,
CROW: Wha-huh?
MIKE: He's going to go pick up some McNuggets.
> and Sally having speed granted to her by the
> Deep
MIKE: Thirteen!
> Power Stones.
TOM: Su-u-ure.
> She also found out why Davey's arm was shot off, as
> another hologram from King Acorn appeared:
ALL: Poof.
> "I hope you're not viewing this file in front of all of Knothole,
> Sally. This concerns something that Davey here would like to forget: The
> political strife where he lost his arm.
MIKE: Lousy Democrats.
CROW: You got Democrat in my Republicans!
TOM: You got Republican in my Democrats!
> It would appear that there were a faction of Davey's ancestors that
> behaved much like Dr. Robotnik, for they
CROW: [ King Acorn ] Drank WD-40 and pigged out on donuts all day.
> captured a certain sub-race of
> their own species as slaves. Some of the descendants of these slaves,
MIKE: Wanted nachos.
> although granted their
MIKE: Stupid nachos.
> freedom almost a century ago, thought themselves fit
> to demand
MIKE: Even *more* nachos! Can you believe it?
> reparation for their captors' sins on their children. One of
> those such people shot Davey's arm off."
TOM: Fweeeeeee-ratatatatatata-kaBOOOOM!!!
> ("I swear, I would never consider to do such a thing . . . unless
> o'couse to a robot."
BOTS: Booooooo!
> "Was that before you became one, Sonia?"
> "I'll pretend I didn't heard that, Sasha.")
CROW: [ Sonia ] Just jump up my butt, Sasha.
> "I suspect that you would feel, as I did, very sorrowful over the
> whole ordeal, especially for how it left Davey.
CROW: Right.
> It is a situation where
> acts of injustice and intolerance is only met by another, and ages-old
> hostilities are prepeturated
ALL: "Prepeturated"?!
> over the generations.
MIKE: "Star Trek: Generations"?
TOM: Eh, too obvious.
> Davey Crockett would
> rather be dead than live in that world, and for a while, he was, until I
> brought him back to life with Sir Charles'
ALL: [ snicker ]
> toy. I will not blame him at all
> if he doesn't want to return to his home planet. . . "
MIKE: So, should we be categorizing this under "fanfic" or "rantfic"?
BOTS: "Rantfic".
>
> "The feeling is mutual, Daddy. Why would they make you answer for your
> ancestor's sins, Davey?
TOM: [ Davey ] Why not?
> I's just not fair."
CROW: [ snicker ] [ hillbilly ] Ja, I's just not no fair at all.
> "Yeah, if I want equality between different species, I wouldn't go and
> shoot off someone's limbs--"
MIKE: [ whoever the heck is talking ] I'd slice them off with a chainsaw!
> "DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?!"
MIKE: Geez, sorr-ee!
> "Sorry, Sasha." "My, Sasha, that psionic backlash must've spooked you,
> didn't you?"
TOM: Now spooked, the herd stampedes.
> "Like you wouldn't know,"
CROW: Oh, so we do know, do we?
> she sobbed as she hung her head over her
> patient. "You wouldn't know
CROW: Wait, you just said we do, didn't you?
TOM: My head hurts.
> how much pain that tragedy causes him." Tears
> ran down her eyes.
ALL: [ tears ] Weeeee!
> "You wouldn't know how much it will return to haunt him.
> . . "
> "Aw, Davey," Sonia cried as she huddled by her new-found friend. "Why
> did they, whoever they are, do this to you? Are you doomed to become
> someone like Robotnik?" She felt a cold nose press up against her hot
> cheek.
MIKE: [ Sonia ] Eek!
> She opened her eyes to find Davey slurping her tears off with his
> tongue."
MIKE: [ Sonia ] <slap> Fresh!
TOM: I'm gonna add *my* offering to Sasha's and David's.
CROW: Who's talking now?
> "Will you look at that? Davey, you're too much."
> "He's supposed t' be th' one who's cryin', and here he is, drying our
> eyes. I tell you, Sally, this guy's a prince."
TOM: Does he dress in purple?
MIKE: Did he change his name to a symbol?
CROW: Yeah, *$&@#$!, the crap formerly known as Davey.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Sasha gave Davey something that resembled Alka-Seltzer
MIKE: Speedy! Noo!
> for his stomach
TOM: As opposed to what, for his pancreas?
CROW: For his bladder?
MIKE: For his brain?
ALL: Nah.
> and let him rest for a couple hours. After the nap, he found Sally still
> has
TOM: OK, that's the second sentence I've noticed so far containing more than
one tense.
CROW: You're going to start counting?
> Nicole connected to his arm by a wire housed under his wrist. Davey
> calls it his "Data Spear," because it reminds him of
MIKE: A data spear. Duh.
> Scorpion's projectile
> in 'Mortal Kombat.'
>
> CYBORG PRIME DIRECTIVES:
> 1) DELIVER MESSAGE TO PRINCESS SALLY
CROW: Check.
> 2) ASSIST FREEDOM FIGHTERS
TOM: BY COMMITTING SUICIDE
> 3) DESTROY ROBOTNIK BY WHATEVER MEANS DEEMED
MIKE: [ scribble ]
> NECESSARY
> 4) LIVE
ALL: Ha ha ha. It is to laugh.
>
> "I like that fourth one, Nicole.
TOM: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, fun.
> Continue."
> BIOCHIP GENERATES A HEADS-UP DISPLAY DIRECTLY GRAFTED IN HIS EYES, WHICH
> GIVES THEM THEIR RED COLOR AND OCCASIONAL GLOW. . . EXCUSE ME, SALLY, BUT I
> BELIEVE THAT MR. CROCKETT IS "BACK ON-LINE," SHOULD I SAY.
CROW: No, you should NOT!!
>
> "'Back on-line?' But what. . . <Sally looks up and finds Davey awake>
> Oh! Hi, there. Don't mind me. . . "
> "Surfing my forearm, Princess?"
> Sally giggles,
MIKE: [ Sally ] Tee hee hee... oh, you make me feel just like a schoolgirl!
> half out of embarrassment
CROW: Was she blushing?
TOM: Hard to tell.
> and half out of Davey's
> cyberpunk-talk. She'd never expect someone who wasn't 100% roboticized to
> talk that way, but she figured that they always talked like that on his
> planet.
TOM: Only the dweebs.
> "I'm just trying to figure out what your arm can do, other than act
> like a built-in Nicole, that is."
> "Humm. I wonder if your father bothered to give me some docs for this
> thing."
TOM: Doc Robinson?
CROW: Doc Johnson?
> EXCUSE ME, MR. CROCKETT, BUT I'VE
MIKE: [ Nicole ] JUST LET ONE.
> DETECTED A COMPLETE SET OF USER HELP
> FILES ARCHIVED IN YOUR HARD DRIVE. DECOMPRESSING THEM SHOULD TRANSFER THEM
> DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN.
CROW: [ Nicole ] THEY'RE A TOTAL OF 47 GIGABYTES, BUT SPACE SHOULDN'T BE A
PROBLEM.
> "Thanks, Nicole. If you'd excuse me. . . <Davey's eyes glowed for a
> moment.
TOM: Oh, he's been infused with Mako energy.
MIKE: Shouldn't he be at SOLDIER?
CROW: Anywhere other than here.
> Sally commented on getting him some colored contacts for cosmetic
> purposes>
MIKE: Or maybe just a paper bag.
> . . . O.K. I've got them. . . Hardware Compression and camouflage,
> eh? Let's give that a try. . . "
> Davey's left arm began to collapse on itself,
CROW: Hey, he's imploding like in that Ren & Stimpy episode!
MIKE: Cool!
TOM: Neato.
> starting from the shoulder
> and down to the wrist, synthetic fur appeared in much the same manner.
TOM: Much the same manner as what?!
> It
> appeared more like a fox left arm after it was done with itself.
CROW: Ewww!
MIKE: Crow, have I ever called you sick?
CROW: Yes.
MIKE: Disgusting?
CROW: Yes.
MIKE: Horrible?
CROW: Yeppers.
MIKE: Obsessed?
CROW: Mm-hmm.
MIKE: Insane?
CROW: That too.
MIKE: What a time to run out of ammo.
> "Ah do
> declare," Bunnie said as she saw this, "Ah should talk to Rotor about an
MIKE: [ Bunnie ] Emergency accent removal surgery.
> upgrade."
> "I can transfer the parameter settings to his Roboticizer, if you want.
MIKE: He's just making up plot contrivances as he goes.
CROW: Well, sure, that's how any self-respecting-and-the-only-one-who-does
fanfic author writes a story!
> They're supposed to convert anything roboticized into this model."
> "It looks and feels much like a robot duplicate model I encountered
> about 6 months ago when training new recruits. It's almost like you've got
> your old arm back. Ohh, I forgot.
CROW: [ Sally ] I left the script in Robotropolis.
TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, forget the script! I'll just use my authorial powers to
make sure we win! Oh, and it's "Robotoplis".
CROW: D'OH!
> I ran out of disks a while back. I
> should've got some while I was in Robotroplis. Oh, well. Another item in
> the Minoc Grove shopping list." Sally meets Davey's eyes.
MIKE: [ Sally ] Oh, why, hello, Davey's eyes! It's a pleasure to meet you!
BOTS: [ Davey's eyes ] Hiya.
> "Are you going
> to be all right, Dave?"
> "Why, sure, Sally. Just let me get some coffee and I'll be up and
> running in no time."
TOM: So "coffee" is his boot-up password?
CROW: I'd like to boot him up.
> "It's not that at all! I mean . . . are you going to be . . . all
> right? You've been through a lot before coming here, more than any of us
> want to know. It'll probably take your whole life to heal . . ."
> Davey shushed his Princess
MIKE: [ Davey ] She's *my* Princess! *Mine*! Hands off!
CROW: Ewww!
MIKE: Crow...
> with a finger to her lips. "I'll be alright,
> Sally. <Winks>
CROW: Now, what's that HTML code do?
> Trust me."
CROW: Bite me.
>
MIKE: [ Mike is just sitting in his seat, calmly, but suddenly... ] WAAAAAAAA-
AUUUUGGGHHH!!!! [ Tom and Crow leap into the air. ]
TOM: What is it?!
CROW: What's wrong!?
MIKE: Two random thoughts just connected in my mind.
TOM: So?
MIKE: Who did you say Pearl said she met?
CROW: Oh, some red fox character.
MIKE: And what did Davey get turned into here by the Power Ring?
TOM: A... WAAAUGH!!
CROW: YAAAACK!!
MIKE: We gotta go check on this!
TOM: Oh please let it be a coincidence, oh please oh please oh please oh
pleeeeeeease!!
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ INT SOL ]
MIKE: [ Mike pushes the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] Let's get to the bottom
of this mystery.
[ Mobius. Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are sitting on a log. In front of them,
talking, is none other than our good friend, Davey Crockett! ]
[ SOL. Cambot zooms in on everyone's faces. Dramatic music plays. ]
ALL: AAUGH!!
[ Mobius. Observer notices M&TB. ]
OBSERVER: Oh, hello, amoebas. We were just speaking with David.
DAVEY: That's "Davey".
OBSERVER: Whatever.
[ SOL ]
MIKE: I don't believe this.
TOM: You said it wasn't real!
MIKE: Well, EXCUSE ME FOR BEING INCORRECT!!
[ Mobius ]
PEARL: Say, Davey, you seem like the powerful power-hungry type; ya wanna join
me 'n' the guys? We're planning on universal domination!
DAVEY: Well, okay! You can be my unwitting sidekick!
PEARL: ME the sidekick?! If anyone should be the sidekick, it's you!! Who's
been torturing Nelson and his robot friends?
DAVEY: And failing at her intent of breaking them down! You're just a mess-up!
PEARL: Ha! You're not even evil!
DAVEY: Yeah, I can learn, and in any case I'm better than you! You couldn't
even conquer that log you're sitting on!
PEARL: Why you little...
DAVEY: Why you big...
BOBO: They make a good match, don't they, Observer?
OBSERVER: Oh, quite.
PEARL, DAVEY: SHUT UP!!!
BOBO, OBSERVER: [ 'eep' quietly and shrink away ]
[ SOL ]
MIKE: This is not good.
TOM: You can say that again.
MIKE: This is not good.
TOM: I didn't mean it.
CROW: Y'know, they *do* make a cute couple...
MIKE, TOM: SHUT UP!!
CROW: [ 'eeps' quietly and shrinks away ]
[ The Commercial Sign flashes. ]
MIKE: Sorry, Crow. We'll be right back.
CROW: Hmph.
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 2 of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com
-or-
gleemoth@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com)
Part 3 of 9
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 5
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: The plot takes a dive.
CROW: Good one!
MIKE: Thanks.
>
> "A good cup of coffee and you're up and running, eh Davey?" Said Bear,
> a brown fox with a weird name (According to Davey, anyway, but he kept it to
> himself), "Join the club."
CROW: I wish I *had* a club, like Klubba's in DK2.
> "Thanks, er, Bear." As Davey sat down next to Bear, he looked into
> those blue eyes of his. There were deep, almost ageless.
MIKE: Where were deep, almost ageless?
> They showed a lot
TOM: Of sausages.
> more age than what the rest of him shows. Davey had the impression that
> there is a lot more of this Bear than meets the eye.
MIKE: Ba-dum-bum!
> "Antoine De'Collete's
CROW: A cheese grater?
MIKE: Good at gathering and sorting?
> the best coffee maker on Mobius," Bear continued.
> "Hey, Frenchie! Anytime today?"
> "Merci, I just want to give Misu Crockett zometheeng nice to welcome
> heem by, eef zat's all right with you, mon ami?"
TOM: [ Swedish Chef ] Bork bork bork!
> "Something nice, Ant? What did I do t' deserve this honor?"
CROW: That's what we want to know.
> Antoine came out with a couple mugs. "Eet is like zis, David. You
> fulfilled your zolumn duty as a royal messenger. I always hold members of
> ze royal court of Acorn in high regard. Zis of course means you."
TOM: [ as Antoine speaks ] Furndy furndy furndy!
> "Hey, a house latte! Thanks Ant."
> "Dey have ze latte where you come from, mon ami?"
TOM: [ as Antoine speaks ] Hurdely hurdely hurdely!
MIKE: OK, stop.
> "Have 'em? Heck, I can make 'em. I used to have a small coffee shop in
> my old apartment."
> By the time Davey's done with the latte, other freedom fighters arrived
> to get to know him better.
TOM: That's 3.
CROW: Maybe the "Davey's" is short for "Davey was".
MIKE: Not likely.
> Some of them already do. "Hi, Sasha. You
> feeling better? That flashback gave you quite a fright." "I'm okay now,
> Davey. Thank you for being concerned."
MIKE: [ Sasha ] Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you.
> Other critters are new to him, like
> Vixie Lamenta and Mighty Fox. "Hey! Ain't your left arm supposed to be
> roboticized?"
CROW: [ Davey ] Oh, just bite me, what's-your-face.
> "It is. I just shifted it into compact mode and switched on the
> hologram. See?" Davey set his arm down and allowed the forearm control
> panel to show through.
TOM: Show through what?
CROW: Ewwww...
TOM: What?! *What*?!?
> "My oh my, talk about state of the art. Bunnie's gonna be jealous."
> "She is. Good thing I plan to set Roboticizers to this model. It takes
> power from my own body heat, is practically non-polluting, and in every
> manner, looks and feels just like a real arm."
MIKE: [ Davey ] Except for this big ol' wire connecting it to my head.
> "Whoa. Wait until Sir Charles catches wind of you."
ALL: Yuck!!
> Vixie turns to
> Mighty, and whispers to him. "So, Mighty, are you gonna tell him?"
TOM: The meaning of the word "flock"?
> "Tell him what?"
CROW: The square root of pi?
> "You know! <elbows Mighty> That you were a human once, like he was.
TOM: And like Keith Aksland...
MIKE: And Ryan Huber...
CROW: And FX... wait, he was a ferret.
TOM: And Vision... wait, he was a... whatever he was. Kell-dyer or something.
MIKE: Who're Keith Aksland and FX?
TOM: Before your time.
> Maybe Dave would feel better if he know that there's another one like him."
MIKE: Then again, maybe not.
> "I'll tell him later." Mighty did so on a shooting range. He shot at a
> tin can with a BB gun--a childhood memory--
MIKE: Wha?
TOM: He was the kid in that Christmas movie!
> as he told Davey about becoming a
> fox to rid himself of the curse of being in the same species as Robotnik.
> He figured Davey went the same route.
> "I have never met Blubber Butt,"
CROW: Then just turn around!
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: What?
MIKE: That was entirely uncalled for.
CROW: Oh, just shove--
MIKE: That's it. You're heading for a time-out.
CROW: Fine! Send me to my room!
MIKE: All right, I-- Oh, no, you're not tricking me. Wait here; I'll be back.
[ Mike gets up and leaves. ]
TOM: Mike, could you get me my laptop computer?
MIKE: [ off screen ] How'll you use it? Your arms don't work, remember?
TOM: I connect it directly to my CPU. Saves time in the long run.
MIKE: [ o.s. ] OK.
> Davey said as he fired-
> BRRRRRRAAAAPPP!
TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, hang on, I just let one.
CROW: [ Davey ] Gotta light a match quick!
> --with a mechanized assult pistol, "the curse that bit me was
> <switches to a shot gun--CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!>
TOM: Oh, it's his "bent-over plumber gun".
> Political Correctness,
CROW: [ Davey ] Damn those gun-wielding PC geeks!
> and
> my change of species <switches to revolver--POW! POW! . . . POW!>
CROW: [ revolver ] Oh, sorry, forgot how to pronounce POW for a second there.
> was
> purely by the fluke of a
TOM: Mermaid.
CROW: Oh, they have those on Mobius?
TOM: Yeah, all types. Half-fox half-fish, half-squirrel half-fish, half-mouse
half-fish, half--
CROW: I get the idea.
> power ring. But by every other reason . . . <he
> stops firing, switches on the safty,
BOTS: Huh?
CROW: Safty?
TOM: Safty sea dog, perhaps?
CROW: Safty safty, joy joy?
> and sets the revolver down> you're not
> that far off, Mighty."
> Mighty and Davey checked their targets. Mighty was only shooting for
> fun, so the oil can looked like swiss cheese.
TOM: A mouse walking by, in fact, mistook it *for* swiss cheese and hilarity
ensued!
> Davey's steel Swat-Bot
> target, on the other hand, was missing it's head, arms, legs, chest, and
> whatever counted as its private parts.
TOM: Mi-i-ike?
CROW: Can we join you?
> "Daaaaaamn.
BOTS: *Gasp*!
> What to you do, sleep
> with those things under your pillow?"
> "Well, I don't know any martial arts yet, although
CROW: [ Davey ] I am rather familiar with martial *law*. I understand you have
plenty of that around here.
> I'll probably pick
> one up while I'm here.
TOM: [ Davey ] I'll just add it to Sally's Minoc Grove shopping list.
> Until then I have to stick to these guns."
> "Guns? You call them guns? Dave, you've joined the Freedom Fighters,
> not the Ozark Malitia!"
CROW: Isn't that the enemy in King's Quest 7?
> "Mighty, you should know this as much as I do. There is no such thing
> as the ATF on Mobius."
> "Hey, Mighty," Sonia shouted from outside. "Sasha needs ya."
CROW: [ Sonia ] You saucy thing, you.
> "Excuse me, my appointment with Doctor Prower awaits" Mighty walked out
> as Sonia walked in. "Hello, Davey. Oh my gosh, look at that target! You've
> shot everything out of it. Not only is that Swat dead, it's going to be
> singing soprano for the next week!"
BOTS: [ flinch ]
CROW: Well, how's it gonna, if it's dead?
> "Just relieving some angst, Suni." Davey notices by her red cheeks that
> she's been crying. "Suni, dear, what's wrong?"
> "It's just . . . <sniff> . . . that stupid mudball of a planet . . .
MIKE: [ returns ] A planet where *apes* evolved from *men*?!
CROW: Oh, you're back.
MIKE: Yeah. I was gonna find something to punish you with, but I couldn't find
the duct tape.
CROW: Phew.
MIKE: Here's your laptop, Tommy-boy. [ He sets it down in front of Tom and
connects a wire to his dome. ]
TOM: Thenk yew.
> <sob> . . . y-y-you come from. . ."
MIKE: Switzerland's OK though... they're all smart in Switzerland.
> she collapsed into his arms and wailed.
> "W-why? How could they do this to you?" She looks at his left arm.
> "You're such a nice guy. . . <sob>"
CROW: And she's known him for how long?
> "It's okay, child." Davey licks her face for tears again.
TOM: [ Irish accent ] Because they're saltily delicious!
> "I'm here
> now. I'm alive. That's all that matters." Just as he said that, his
> mind's eye flashed back to that dank, dark alley, and those eyes filled with
> sparking rage, that heart, black as the skin color of the chest it was
> housed in, the killer bullet screaming out for his innocent blood.
MIKE: Evil mutated vampire bullets, next on Geraldo!
CROW: Sounds like how Bruce Wayne lost his parents.
> Davey
> Crockett would find his loss easier to stomach if it weren't for the
> politics involved.
TOM: Mm-hmm. Yeah. We're with ya. Right.
> "I'm still healing after Piasa, my dear. <He gives her a
> kiss.>
CROW: She exchanges it for a sweater.
> Let's not talk about it right now."
> "Oh. . . okay. . . <She looks at his eyes> Hey, wanna have a picnic? I
> know this great place."
TOM: [ Sonia ] It's right on the edge of this really nifty cliff.
> "Sure thing."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Hmmm, I was wondering, Dave...can I call you that?"
> "Dave, Davey, David;
MIKE: Mike, Mikey, Michael.
TOM: Tom, Tommy, Thomas.
CROW: Crow, uh... Crowey, Crowus.
MIKE: Doesn't quite work.
> it don't matter, Sonia, as long as you mean me."
> "Well, You're name
CROW: [ Davey ] I most certainly am *not* name! Take that back now!
> sounds kinda...familiar in a way. How'd you get
> that?"
TOM: [ Davey ] Reverse Polish Notation. Why?
> "Davey Crockett was a historical figure in my world. He was an
> explorer of my country whenit was young. I was called that when I wore a
> cap made out of a raccoon hide, which Mr. Crockettusually wore, in grammar
> school. By my teenage years, I'd abandoned it, but then came theInternet in
> my world. I considered it the next wild frontier,
MIKE: That's just wahld, man.
> and I felt that it too
> needed a DaveyCrockett, so I resurrected the persona. I found my coonskin
> cap, but it was too small, soI removed its tail and tied it to the back of a
> baseball cap I'm always wearing now, and the nineties'version of that legend
> was born.
TOM: [ Davey ] Vaguely, kinda, sorta a tiny bit like the legend... ah, who am
I kidding?! I'm nothing like Davey Crockett! Waaaaahhh!!!
CROW: "whenit", "Crockettusually", "theInternet"... His space bar must be on
the fritz.
MIKE: Oh dear god, he's ryb in disguise!
> I've been called that so often, I kinda accepted that as my real
> name. I mean, I'd completely forgotten just what name I was born with.
MIKE: Knowing him, probably something like "Finsterbocker".
> Strange."
> As Sonya led Davey to her private lagoon, she asked him about 'Piasa.'
> "Shortly before I came to your world, I was hunting down this local
> legendary monster known as
TOM: Gonter Man! With the amazing ability to slaughter grammar and put his
audience to sleep with a single sentence!
MIKE: Guys, maybe we shouldn't be so hard on him.
CROW: Why not? He rivals Ratliff and Mosely!
MIKE: Well, in this one story, perhaps, but keep in mind, this is his first
story, as far as we know, and at least he isn't producing loads of crap!
TOM: Really? Oh, come look at this.
MIKE: [ reading from laptop screen ] "Foxfire Archive Whearhouse".
ALL: [ pause ] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> The Piasa Bird. It was the ugliest overglorified
> canary you'll ever see. He popped up a hologram of it to prove his point:
> It was a jaguar with wings and a tail that can do three laps around the
> body. "Had to use a super-powered sawed-off shotgun to take that thing out!
> And that's with illegal ammo
TOM: Ooooo, he's gonna get in trouble!
CROW: No. Don't forget, he's:
ALL: Gonter Man, lord of all he surveys!
> and an over 800 meter drop!"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Well, more like 800 centimeters, but there's a principle at
work.
> "Oh, Davey, you're so brave. You think you'd join those Power Rangers
> you were talking about last night.
TOM: [ Davey ] I do?
CROW: Well, except that they're *just* a TV show.
> That is, if you remained in your world,
> which I'm glad you're not, by the way."
> "I dunno."
> They arrived at a picture-perfect lagoon under a waterfall.
MIKE: It's a smarmy Polaroid ad!
> "How'd you
> like my little niche in the world, Davey? The flowers, the water, the
> trees. . . "
CROW: The smog.
MIKE: The SWATbots.
TOM: The toxic radioactive waste.
> "Nice place you got here, Suni."
> ". . . the skyline of Robotropolis just down that hill . . . "
> "Oh, just put that in the long-as-my-
CROW: Mike, you'll be happy to know that in this instance, I am not going to
say one word.
MIKE: Why, thank you, Crow. There may be hope for you yet.
> Data-Spear list of reasons to kick
> Snively's ass."
BOTS: *Gasp*.
> "<Suni giggles> Ha-Ha, that's a good one, Dear."
CROW: [ Suni, cheerfully ] Shut up, moron.
> They sit down on a
> grassy spot. "Okay, what would you have?" She removes her bow and lets her
> red Pocahontas-length hair fall.
MIKE: Right off her head.
> "I dunno, what you've got." He opens the empty basket.
TOM: Ooo, nothing! My favorite!
CROW: They're having air sandwiches!
MIKE: Tastes crappy, less filling!
> "Davey, have you forgotten, I use magic!
ALL: Yes.
CROW: Now ask us if we care.
> What's your favorite dish?
> Anything."
TOM: [ Davey ] Hmm, I've never had an "anything" before.
> "Well, my favorite food's Mexican . . . let's make it a chili dog
> burrito, so we both can enjoy it."
> "Okay," she waves her hands, and with a spark, a chili dog burrito
CROW: Explodes in the microwave.
> appeared.
TOM: Four.
> "Thanks, Suni,"
CROW: Wait, who's Suni?
MIKE: Sonia's mutated half-cousin. Or her nickname.
TOM: Nah.
> Davey said as he took a bite. "Yummy."
TOM: --fresh cyanide?
> "Ulm, if it's alright with you, I'm feeling like Italian today."
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Even though I have no idea what Italy is.
> Suni
> created a bowl of spaghetti. Davey looked a little surprised. He thought
> that the Mobian Hedgehog's diet is predominantly chili dogs.
TOM: Five.
> "Besides, I'd
> like to show you what my cyborg parts can do."
CROW: If ya know what I mean.
MIKE: Nudge nudge, wink wink.
TOM: Say no more, say no more. PLEASE say no more.
> She rolled up the fur over
> her arm, and punched on the control panel underneath. Her index finger
> morphed into a shaker cheese shaker."
TOM: She is the Amazing Rando!
CROW: NOW who's talking?!
> "Neat trick," Davey said as he opened up one of the secret compartments
> in his robot arm. "What's that." "Oh, this is a packet of Taco Bell hot
> sauce. I have the recipe in my hard drive." "What's a Taco Bell?"
CROW: It's a burrito you tie around the cat's neck to warn the birds.
> "It's a
> Mexican Restaurant in my home planet. I go there a lot; it'll be one of the
> things I'll miss from my home."
MIKE: [ Davey ] That and Cindy Crawford.
> After emptying the packet, he looked for a
> place to pitch it. "That's what the basket's for, darling." Suni opened up
> the basket for Davey to toss the packet in, eyeing Davey's burrito.
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Man, burrito, you're hot!
> "So, Suni, how'd you become a 'borg?' Let me guess, Ro-Butt-Nik?"
> "No, I got my cyborg parts from this android named Packbell." "Never
> heard of him."
MIKE: [ Davey ] Does he have a line of PC compatibles named after him?
> "He used to work for Robotnik, but now he's probably
> Snively's right hand droid. He has his own agenda, though. He want's to
> take over Robotroplis for himself. Excuse me, but
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] *I* just let one.
CROW: Quite a gassy planet we have here.
> that chili dog looks
> delicious!" Davey chuckled at first, but was surprised again at how easy
> Suni turned a bowl of spaghetti into another chili dog burrito. "Wow, wish
> I had that undo command!"
MIKE: Undo fanfic? Yes. Undo conception of David Gonterman? Yes. Undo creation
of Sonic the Hedgehog? Yes.
CROW: Don't forget Star Trek.
> "You know, hon, between you, me, Bunni, and Uncle Chuck, we can be
> pretty cool cyborgs."
MIKE: And that's our cue to laugh very loudly.
ALL: [ do just that ]
> "You think so? Maybe we should team up together."
> "All four of us?" "Yeah, imagine us going up to Snively and say <in a
> monotone voice>
ALL: YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?
> 'PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE WILL BE FUTILE.'"
MIKE: I am P-P-P-Porky P-P-P-Pig of B-B-B-Borg. P-P-Prepare to be a-a-as-as-
assim-- er, joined to us. R-Re-R-Resistance is f-f-fu-f-fut-- oh, just
give up!
CROW: I am Ed McMahon of Borg. You may already have been assimilated!
TOM: I am Windows of Borg. You will be assimilated, and claim that you're a
brand new type of Borg even though you're just ripped off of Amiga of
Borg and Macintosh of Borg.
CROW: Oh, bite me, Mac-boy!
MIKE: Guys, guys, calm down.
> The
> duo giggled.
> "Aw, no," Tails can be heard from a distance, "Borg humor."
MIKE: [ Tails ] Even though I have no idea what Borg is.
TOM: I am not of Borg. You will be separated. Resistance is encouraged!
CROW: I am Hillary Clinton of Borg. I will assimilate you fraudulently and
shred all the records of the diversion of your assets to my husband's
campaign.
MIKE: I am Shareware of Borg. You will be assimilated once you send in $99.
Press the 'Q' key after 30 seconds to continue.
CROW: So they know about Borg and Italy, but not Taco Bell?
TOM: I guess.
> Two seconds
> later, he was tackled by a pink enchida
CROW: Shouldn't that be "echnida"?
TOM: Same difference.
CROW: Oh, well-- huh?
MIKE: No, actually, it's a pink enchilada.
CROW: Oh, I-- wha?
> from behind. Suni said that her
> name was Chuckles,
ALL: [ laugh derisively ]
> Knuckles' kid sister.
MIKE: There, see, Tom? Just like I said a while ago.
> "I've heard of him. Do you know
> where he's at?" "Probably still at the floating island, for all I know,
> Sonic can tell you more, but there's some bad blood between the two."
TOM: [ Chuckles ] They're vampires.
> Suni changed the subject and got up close. "Y'now, Dave, I've been
> talking to Vixie, and we here wondering
CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] How they get the ink into pens.
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Where peanuts come from.
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Why Sonic the Hedgehog? Why why why *why* WHY Sonic the
Hedgehog already?!
> why humans-turned-foxes are so
> darned cute?"
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] You know any?
> "I dunno, give us a built-in fur coat and a tail, and we
> become studs, I guess." She began to open up Davey's shirt and snuggle into
> his furry chest.
ALL: AAAAAAACK!!!
> She confessed to him that she's drawn
TOM: Well, it is a cartoon.
> to Foxes and Wolves,
TOM: Oh.
> but she was a bit worried about the age difference: She's a teen, while he's
MIKE: 97? Yeek!
> in his twenties. However, Davey said that he's
> not
CROW: Whoa, accidentally hit Enter a bit early there, eh?
> the kind of guy who'd take advantage of a girlfriend sexually,
TOM: Not that he's ever actually had a chance.
> especially one who can be classified as a minor in his world. That made her
> feel safe to trust him, and maybe she can get close for a little while.
CROW: Speeeew!
> "You know, Davey, you can be just a sweet and lovable teddy fox at times,"
> she said as they looked gray eye to red eye.
TOM: Red eyes? Ben Stein to the rescue! [ Ben Stein ] Dude.
> "Part of my charm," he said as
MIKE: The audience laughed their heads off in disbelief.
ALL: [ laugh their heads off in disbelief ]
> they touched noses. . . .
> DEET-DEET-DET-DET-DEEET-DEET!
ALL: DEET-DEET-DET-DET-DEEET-DEET!
MIKE: Isn't that the rhythm to conga line music?
> "Aw, crud," Suni pouted.
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Pout pout pout.
> That was an alarm from built-in pagers both
> Davey and Sonia have installed in their cyborg
MIKE: I am Spoofer of Borg. You will be assimilated anonymously.
CROW: I am Homeless of Borg. WILL ASSIMILATE FOR FOOD
TOM: I am Bill Gates of Borg. All other software companies will be
assimilated.
CROW: <th-b-b-b-p>
> parts.
TOM: Six.
CROW: Stop counting!
TOM: Oh, OK.
> Quite possibly, that
> was Sally calling everyone in for a meeting.
> "I swear, between her timing and her father's aim . . . .
MIKE: Lies obsession?
> <Taps on his
> control panel and activates the cellular phone> Talk to me, Sal."
CROW: [ Davey ] Or not.
> "I hate to break you two lovebirds up,
MIKE: [ Sally ] No, actually, I REALLY enjoy it! BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> but I'm assembling a meeting
> about that CD of Davey's,
CROW: BWAAAAARR!!!
> and to plan our next mission. . . "
MIKE: [ Sally ] We're gonna blow up the Death Egg.
BOTS: [ snicker ]
CROW: That just always makes me laugh.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 6
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Um, the Knights Who Say Nix?
>
> "The walking care package that Daddy gave me just seems to keep on
> giving.
ALL: Ewwwww!
> He's thrown in
TOM: His hat.
> several computer programs from Davey's world that
> started to help us out the moment we installed them. Look at the stuff I've
> added to Nicole. . .
> <She calls up the hologram>
CROW: [ phone ] Ring ring ring!
MIKE: [ Sally ] Hello, hologram?
> "Stacker takes existing hard drives and increases their size by more
> than double. This will really give us more storage space for our little
> friends. . .
CROW: Ewwww!
TOM: Say hello to my little friends!
> Windows is a graphic based operating system that's so easy,
TOM: [ snort ]
> even Amy Rose can be computer literate in no time.
TOM: Yeah, if she doesn't mind 99% of her time being spent fixing up after a
crash!
CROW: Servo, you die soon.
TOM: I'd like to see you try.
> What used to be a
> complicated list of commands is now a simple click on to a small graphic
> called an icon. . . WordPerfect is, by far, the best word processing
> computer program I have ever used.
MIKE: [ Sally ] Of course, I'm 3 weeks old.
> It does everything except stuff
MIKE: [ Sally ] You know, stuff. It doesn't do stuff.
> your
> letters into the envelopes and mails them itself. . . "
> Suddenly,
CROW: The lights came on with suddenness.
> Robotnik was shown in a cave, having his spare tire blown to
> hell by a missile. He collapses
CROW: Suddenly.
> into his own pool of blood and guts.
TOM: OK, hands up, everyone, who *doesn't* wish that was Davey Crockett
there?
CROW: [ imitates crickets chirping ]
> Some
> of the villagers gasped at the sight, others were cheering by the time they
> heard a gravely voice
TOM: That should be either "grave" or "gravelly".
MIKE: So either he messed up spelling or he messed up grammar?
TOM: Pretty much.
> go, "Hell, yer face
CROW: [ gravely voice ] --no, David Gonterman--
> or yer @$$; what's the diffrence?"
TOM: Good one, Crow!
CROW: I've played that game before.
MIKE: Guys... oh, never mind.
> "Alright, Sally! I haven't been here one week, and already, I caught
> someone playing Duke Nukum
CROW: Nukem.
> 3D!!!" "Man, that was cool, a little gross, but
> cool." Sally giggled nervously. "How the heck did that program got in
> there."
> "SIMPLE SALLY, YOU INSTALLED IT IN.
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> I DID WARN YOU ABOUT THE MA-17
> RATING."
> "yeah, right. . . " "You like that game, Sal, and you know it." "You're
> eyes were saying 'no,' but that numb thumb of yours was saying
CROW: "Pootertoots".
TOM: Is that dirty? I can't tell.
> 'Yes!'" "rub
> it in you guys. . . A-ha!
MIKE: Auf Wiedersehen!
CROW: Abracawhatchamacadabracallit!
TOM: Ah-choo!
> This is the one I was looking for; the
CROW: [ Sally ] Nude stallion pictures. [ He turns and looks at Mike. ]
MIKE: It's OK. Just don't continue.
CROW: I won't.
> schematic
> drawing for the process Davey was half-roboticized in. Oh, I found a disk
> for you to transfer those parameters in."
TOM: Well, whoop-de--
MIKE: Ahem.
TOM: --crap.
MIKE: Thank you.
> "Okay, Sal." Davey said as he slipped the disk into his forearm disk
> drive."
CROW: Who's talking?!
> "I beg your pardon, my preencess, but what ess all theese talking about
> Daveed's robot arm?"
TOM: [ Antoine ] And hass aneeone seeen moi's brain?
> Sally went up to Davey to retrieve the disk. "Because this robot arm is
> more advanced than anything found on Mobius, Antoine. This design my father
> used is almost indistinguishable from a real living arm,
TOM: Oh, except for the big radar dish on the elbow.
> especially in this
> compact mode and with the hologram on. You'll actually feel fox fur; it's
> even warm to the touch; and . . . <she stopped in surprise,
MIKE: [ Sally ] Ew! There's some sort of growth here!
> then softened
> her voice>
CROW: [ Sally ] Oh, Davey...
> . . . a pulse. . . I feel a pulse. . .
TOM: [ Davey ] Sally's skipping. Someone nudge her.
> Nothing roboticized should
> have a pulse. . . " Everybody gasped in astonishment. "Are you askeeng moi
MIKE: [ Antoine ] To give a speech describing the Declaration of Independence?
TOM: You didn't do the accent.
MIKE: If you think I'm even going to *try* that accent, you're crazy.
> that that
CROW: [ Yakko Warner ] Betcha can't say *that* three times fast!
TOM: [ Dot W. ] That that that.
MIKE: [ Wakko W. ] She's good.
> arm's alive?" "If this' not a cure, it's certainly
CROW: A vintage 1984 Dodge Dart!
> the next best
> thing." "Man, wait til Uncle Chuck hears about this!"
TOM: He'll pee his pants!
CROW: He has no pants.
TOM: Oh yeah.
> "Hold on for a moment, Sonic. We don't know if we can pull this off
> first. Tests need to be made."
MIKE: Fanfic tests.
CROW: IQ test... negative. Plot test... none. Length test... 3 lines.
TOM: We wish!
> "I want my Uncle Chuck to be the first one treated, Sal. He was the
> first one roboticized, it's only fair."
MIKE: [ Sonic ] And I wanna!!
> "Okay, Okay. After the test, we'll do Charles first."
CROW: Ewwww!
> Sally then turned to the audience.
ALL: Y-y-y-e-s-s-s?
> "Besides, we've got other things to
> do: Mr. Crockett, of course, needs a place of his own to live in. We have a
> good number of volunteers to do the building already. . ."
CROW: Using fiberglass and baking soda.
> "I want to help 'em out, Sally. It's going to he my home after all."
MIKE: Here on Ventriloquist's Isle!
> "Not right now, Davey. I need you for a courier run. I need you to go
> to Minoc Grove to get some supplies. I'd go there myself, but I'm kinda
> buzy tonight."
MIKE: I'm going to listen to "Flight of the Bumblebee".
CROW: And I'm meeting Swarm for lunch.
> "Sure thing, ma'am."
> "An' I'll tag along t' show ya the ropes."
MIKE: [ holds a noose up to the screen ]
TOM: [ Sonic ] I meant that figuratively.
CROW: Where'd you get the noose?
MIKE: It was under the seat.
> "Tag along, Sonic? That ain't your style. You're the kind that likes
> to lose trailers in the dust."
MIKE: Hey, there's that down here too!
CROW: Dust?
MIKE: No, a trailer.
CROW: Wha-huh?
> "Not with that bike Rotor's working on, Big Daddy
TOM: Pink and Mean Green Monster Brain.
> ."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: The world's largest arithmetic question.
>
> But first, Davey had to link up with Nicole to get a shopping list for
> the Minoc Grove errand run. It includes two pictures of critters that needed
> to be picked up.
MIKE: Is Davey really the right person for the job?
> "THE CAT IS MELANIE, A MARTIAL ARTIST AND A PREVIOUS
> FREEDOM FIGHTER. SHE IS ANTOINE'S GIRLFRIEND,
TOM: [ snort ] Right.
CROW: Isn't that Bunnie?
TOM: Fanboy.
> AND HE WENT ON AHEAD TO MINOC
> GROVE EARLIER TO MEET HER. THE CHAMELEON IS CLEO. SHE'S MELANIE'S YOUNG
> WARD. TAILS KNOWS HER WELL, THEY USED TO DATE."
> "Tails? I thought he was with Amy Rose."
CROW: Please, no reminders!
> "AND CLEO, AND CHUCKLES, AND NINA, AND EVEN A ROBOTIC DUPLICATE THAT
> RESEMBLES AN 8-YEAR-OLD VIXIE. . . OH, SONIC AND TAILS HAVE JUST ARRIVED."
>
> "Hey, Tails, you Heartbreak Kit, how's life."
> "Uh-Oh, Big Guy. Davey's found out about your love life!"
ALL: Or lack thereof.
> "Aw, no." Tails hid his head under his arms.
> Sally came by with a bag of Mobians.
TOM: In it were Sonic, Chuckles, Antoine, Bunnie, Chuck...
CROW: I think the actual term for the money is "Mobiums".
TOM: Fanboy.
MIKE: Man, two "fanboy"s on one page.
> Apparently, they used the 'coins
> only'
MIKE: All bills will be shot on sight.
CROW: [ duck ] Quack, quack, quack... QUAAAAACK!!!
> monetary system, as it appeared
ALL: Out of thin air!
> heavy when she tossed it to Davey. "A
> little something to get something for yourself while you're there, Dave.
CROW: But there's only robots in Robotropolis, all of whom are unfriendly to
living beings.
TOM: They're going to Minoc Grove, Crow.
CROW: Oh yeah.
> Consider it as your salary. Just don't spend it all in one place, okay?"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Wow, a whole 5 cents! Thanks!
> "Does it include Psycho Pay, Sal?"
> "Oh, Sonic. . .
TOM: [ Sally ] Oh, you moron, you worthless piece of crap.
> Rotor's done with your hoverbike, you can pick it up."
CROW: [ Davey ] I tried, but I couldn't lift it! WAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Wow, Rotor. You've worked all night."
MIKE: [ singing ] Worked all night...
BOTS: [ singing ] Oooh, baby...
MIKE: [ singing ] Oooh, working up all night...
> "Yeah. Tinkering's a hobby for me. I just can't sleep at night without
> messing around with anything mechanical.
TOM: [ Rotor ] It's an obsession.
> I've covered all the outside
> surfaces with solar cells to reduce fuel consumption, and added 50
> horsepower to the engine. I've installed a force field at the nose to act
> like a front bumper."
ALL: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!
> "You're an artist in your field, Rot."
MIKE: [ Monty Python-esque ] Oh, rot you!
> Davey hopped on the bike. "Your
> Data Spear acts as the bike's starter key, and you can control it through
> your interface."
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, he said "interface".
TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh. "Interface".
> The Data Spear appeared from its hiding place under
> Davey's left wrist, and snaked its way into place. The twin 'tire' blowers
> sprang into life,
TOM: The Happy-Go-Lucky Reaper!
> rushing air straight down. The hydraulic twin stands that
> held the bike up lifted up and snapped into place.
BOTS: Transformers!
MIKE: Robots in disguise.
> Davey found the clutch
> pedal, and the turbine in the back produced a little forward trust,
MIKE: [ Aladdin ] Do you trust me?
> just
> enough to take itself out of Rotor's garage.
ALL: Bo-oring.
> Sonic and Tails saw him appear. "Wow!" "Davey Crockett!
MIKE: Leader of the *crap* frontier!
> Big Daddy!
> Jucin' it up on a hog of his own!!" Sonic revved in place.
CROW: Ewwww!
> Davey squeezed
> the throttle. Both produces
ALL: [ snicker ]
> copious amounts of dirt
MIKE: Next, on Jenny Jones!
> as they staged in front
> of an imaginary drag strip 'Christmas Tree.' The roar became deafening. An
> orange glow growled from behind both of them.
TOM: Gentlemen... Start your engines...
MIKE: One... two... five!
CROW: Three, sir.
MIKE: Three!
> And then all three of them simply vanished, leaving behind a thunderclap
> as air rushed to fill the space that their bodies once occupied.
TOM: They're dead! Party!
MIKE: [ singing ] Party... let's have a party...
CROW: Yee-ha!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 7
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALL: D'oh!
>
> "You know what's the best thing about being the boss, Snivley?"
> Packbell said as he stood next to Snivley's bed. "You can sleep in late
ALL: Woohoo!
MIKE: Too bad we're not the boss.
> after a rough night, or go back to bed and start a day over, and not worry
> about getting your butt chewed out by someone like Ro-Butt-Nik. And I heard
> that things didn't go exactly as planned last night, as usual."
CROW: [ Packbell ] You got slapped by five babes?
TOM: [ Packbell ] Lucky dog!
> Snivley was groggy
MIKE: Nice to meet you, Groggy. I'm Mike Nelson.
> as he crawled out of bed. "Who the phrack let you
> in?"
TOM: [ Packbell ] Twiki.
CROW: [ Packbell ] Key.
MIKE: [ Packbell ] Number Five. Oh, he's alive, you know.
> "Oh, I came in through the vents, like any stinking Freedom Fighter.
> You know me, Boss. I'll always give you crap."
MIKE: [ Packbell ] I just can't think of any better birthday presents!
> "You better believe that I'm the boss, and don't you ever phracking
> forget it!" Snivley got a cup of the usual crappy coffee
MIKE: [ Snively ] I'm taking the last cup and I don't have to make more 'cause
I'm the boss!
> and stood in front
> of a terminal. "Computer, run surveillance tape of last night. Filename:
> Crockett."
TOM: O' Crap.
> A video tape recording of a human with a robot left arm
CROW: Me or Tom?
MIKE: Neither. It's Gypsy.
TOM: I dunno... looks like Cambot to me.
> appearing from
CROW: Left field?
> The Void was played. "It appears that another player has entered the game."
MIKE: [ announcer ] And-- what's this? A robot-armed human has entered left
field! It's anybody's game now!
> Another monitor showed a snapshot of the human's head
ALL: Ack!
> and whatever data it
> had on him at the time. It wasn't much: Just the who, Davey Crockett, and
> the why: Delivering a message to Princess Sally.
CROW: She needs to be reminded to breathe every once in a while.
> "This has King Acorn's
> name written all over it.
MIKE: See, there's one right there! "King Acorn"! And another!
> He must've known that Robotnik is gone somehow,
> so that he knew exactly when to send him. What's his game?"
> Packbell turned to the playback and cringed.
TOM: [ Packbell ] I've got "morning face".
> "Obviously hardball."
CROW: Which is odd, because he--
MIKE: That's enough.
> He
> switched on the audio. "No, you fool! Not so early in th--"
> Both were blasted with a Death Metal guitar lick which accompanied this
> particular scene in the tape:
> [Sung in a fake-prosessed
TOM: I'm reading that as either "fake-processed" or "fake-possessed".
> growl]
CROW: Rrrrowr!
> MY MISSION IN LIFE IS TO
TOM: Get tickets to a Rush concert.
> SEE YOU DIE, JAMNIT
ALL: [ burst out laughing ]
CROW: "Jamnit"?!
TOM: The J key isn't even *near* the D key!
MIKE: That has to be the silliest error yet!
> I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE
> I'M THE HARBINGER OF YOUR DEATH
CROW: Thank you!
TOM: Kill us! Hurry!
MIKE: Put us out of our misery!
> I'M YOUR NOOSE
MIKE: [ holds up noose again ]
> --YOUR RAZOR BLADE-----
> YOUR LETHAL INJECTION
TOM: [ singing ] I'll be your noose, I'll be your blade, be everything that
you need...
> I'M SENDING YOU BACK TO OZ, TIN MAN--
> IN PIECES!!!
CROW: Yeah, just blow chunks, Crockett!
> With his jetpack blowing flame behind him, Davey Crockett looked like
> the Avenging Angel
ALL: Which one?
> as he charged a squad of six Swatbots head on, his eyes
> glowed an angry red so bright you can't see the eyeballs.
MIKE: Hide, guys! He's coming!!
TOM: No sweat.
CROW: We can handle this just like the rest of the fanfic.
> Each hand held a
> rifle that he fired indiscriminately into his quarry.
CROW: [ Fred Flintstone ] Yabba-dabba-doo!!
> One shot removed a
> Swat head in a grotesque blossom of
MIKE: Lotus.
> metal, oil, and circuitry. Another one
> got clipped by the knees, toppling it to the ground.
TOM: Just let him try that on me! I *have* no knees! Ha!
> A third got in the way
> of a decapitating clothesline.
> Crockett landed on the just-crippled Bot with a gut-squishing stomp,
MIKE: [ robot ] Wait, I'm friendly! I wanna help! I-- <*bzzt*> oh, never mind.
> sending upwards a geyser of oil that popped the top off like a cork. He
> growled at his fourth victim and pounced on top of it, knocking it down to
> the ground. He reached back with his robot arm and dove it right into the
> Swat's chest,
BOTS: Yick!
> grabbing its oil pump and ripping it out. Davey held the
> still-functioning robot 'heart' up like a trophy,
BOTS: Double yick!
> then dropped it to get at
> the remaining two Swats.
> He grabbed Swat #5 by the neck with his left hand and wrung that Swat
> around like a chicken, knocking #6 off a wall and into his right hand. A
> panel sprang out from underneath the left forearm and a metallic spear on a
> cord spat out, snaking around Davey's back and playing 'Alien' with #6 as
> #5's head fell off because it's neck was squeezed into the diameter of a
> toothpick.
ALL: WHA-A-AT?!
MIKE: That was *so* stupid!!
CROW: What is this, dubbed from Martian by a deaf-blind-mute-retarded person
who types with his feet?!
>
> Davey lifted #5 up high above his head, and with a scream that sounded
> like it came from Hell, he brought the Bot crashing into the camera.
> COME ON, SAY IT------
BOTS: [ whiny ] We don't wanna!
> ROBOTNIK SUCKS!!!!
> I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL: [ crickets chirping, frogs croaking, that sort of thing ]
>
> The screen went to white noise for a few seconds before showing Davey's
> standing up to Mecha Sonic, and the subsequent breaking out with even more
> of the previously viewed carnage, but both Packbell and Snivley were still
> in shock . "Snivley, my man,
CROW: [ Packbell ] Kiss me.
> that guy is a wacko. He's sick. He's out
> there like phracking Pluto. He is gone."
MIKE: Y'know, for once, I agree with Packbell.
> "Maybe. I think he's just a rookie punk out looking for respect.
CROW: And I agree with Snively.
> He
> needs to be knocked down some, that's for sure.
CROW: Twice, in fact.
> <sighs> He's probably a
> Freedom Fighter by now, the Knothole scramblers won't let me pinpoint his
> location.
ALL: We'll tell ya!
> It would be easier with that robot arm--"
MIKE: Blown to bits?
TOM: Glued to the floor?
CROW: Up Davey's--
MIKE: CROW!!!
> An alarm sounded saying that Davey Crockett has been spotted outside of
MIKE: [ announcer ] The building. Repeat: Davey has *left* the building!
> the great forest. "He's headed for Minoc Grove, and going as fast as Sonic!"
ALL: [ bored tone ] Wow.
CROW: Just like every other being who comes to Mobius from another world.
> Snivley got an visual I.D.
TOM: But his picture looked terrible.
CROW: He was having a no-hair day.
> He took a double take at the large fox
> riding a hovercycle going 65mph, but the coontail cap and robot left arm was
> a dead giveaway.
> "Nice fur coat, Crockett. How'd ya get the blood out?"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Palmolive.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 8
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Let's *please* be late!
>
> The hovercycle darts in and out of Sonic's wake as the hedgehog zoomed
> through the trees on the outskirts of the Great Forest. Tails was tucked
> safely in between Davey and the control panel. "This is
CROW: So, so wrong.
> way past cool, Uncle
> Davey! You're going as fast as Sonic on this thing!"
> "'Uncle' now, eh? You know if anybody's actually clocked that
> hedgehog?"
TOM: We'd like to clock him... ON THE HEAD!
> "I dunno. Nobody has figured out how fast Sonic can actually get."
MIKE: Let's see... so far his maximum speed is five miles per hour.
CROW: Three, sir.
MIKE: Three miles per hour.
> "Well, I guess I have to find out, won't I?"
> Davey edged the cycle directly behind the blue hedgehog.
MIKE: Ramming thpeed!!
> He acquired a navigational lock on him.
MIKE: Whoa, he *is* gonna ram him!
> A large speed display appeared on the panel. 75 mph.
> The hovercycle slowly accelerated into tailgating area.
TOM: Y'know, in an anthropomorphic world, the term "tailgating" could take on
a whole new meaning!
> "Hey, Hedgehog! I thought your name was 'Sonic!'
CROW: [ Sonic ] No, actually, everyone calls me "Maurice".
> Get it outta first,
> will ya?"
> "So you wanna race with me, Big Guy? JUICE TIME!!!"
MIKE: Hey, he spelled "juice" right!
> 87 mph. Hedgehog and hovercycle floor it.
TOM: And the friction burns them to a crisp. The end.
> 100 mph.
TOM: Crap.
> 125 mph.
CROW: So...
> 200. The nose of the bike crept closer.
MIKE: Hm.
> 275. And closer.
TOM: I feel like we should be doing *something*.
> 350. "Hey! Don't crowd me, Dave!"
MIKE: So, how've you two been doing recently?
> 425. "Never heard of drafting, have you?"
CROW: Fine, fine. I'm working on "Earth vs. Soup Interactive".
> 475. "If you think you can pass me....."
TOM: I've been reading a bunch of comic strips.
> 525. "Face it....."
MIKE: Like what?
> 550. "...Sonic..."
TOM: Let's see, there's Limpidity, Kevin & Kell, Upper Crust, Sabrina Online,
Madam & Eve, Ivory Tower--but that one's discontinued--Melonpool,
Falling Dream, Dexter, Class Menagerie, After Life of Bob...
> 565. "...I can..."
CROW: Jeez, that's a lot!
MIKE: After Life of Bob?
> 580. "...take more..."
TOM: You heard me.
> 600. "...than you..."
MIKE: Can you show me some of those later?
> "Yeah, but can you stop on a dime?"
TOM: Sure. They're all web based.
> Sonic slid to a stop.
CROW: I wanna see too!
> Crockett blown past the hedgehog.
CROW: [ snicker ] "Crockett blown"?
> A brick wall was dead ahead!!!!! 600 mph.
CROW: Hey, guys! Davey's headed for a brick wall at 600 mph!!
MIKE: Really?!
TOM: All right!
> 550. "Bail, Prower!!"
MIKE: [ Tails ] No, I plan to stay here and get crushed on a brick wall *with*
you.
> 500. Tails was thrown into the air.
TOM: Fweee!
> 450. The two-tailed fox spun his brushes to safety.
CROW: Yes, art supplies can save your life!
> 375. Davey cut off the turbine.
TOM: Snap!
CROW: Crack!
MIKE: Pop!
> 275. Retro-rockets bellow out from the nose.
ALL: Fwooooosh!
> 150. Davey popped a wheelie to put the blowers out in front.
TOM: Gah?
CROW: Fwa-huh?
MIKE: [ whiny ] I don't get it.
> 75. "Oh, no!"
CROW: Oh, *yes*!
> 50. "I can't look!"
TOM: I can!
> 25. The hydraulic stands go down.
> 10. "He's gonna crash!!"
MIKE: Woo-hoo!
> 5. "AAAAAAAA!!!"
ALL: AAAAAAAALL RIIIIIIIIGHT!!
> Zero Miles per Hour. The hoverbike lands into a perfect parking spot,
> with a good foot of fresh Mobian air between the nose section and solid
> brick, and an inch between the forward stand and a 10-Mobian coin.
ALL: Damn!!
MIKE: Another letdown.
TOM: Ah well.
CROW: Not like we actually believed it.
MIKE: It was fun to hope for a minute, though.
> "I don't
> believe it!" Sonic exclaimed. "he really did stop on adime!!"
TOM: Mike, what's an adime?
MIKE: The grade that Sprint lady gets on her report card.
TOM: Really?
MIKE: No.
> Davey stood triumphant. "Thank you, thank you. No need for alarm. I
> knew exactly what I was doing all the time."
> "Great, Crockett. <Sonic took a deep breath and collected himself.>
CROW: [ Sonic ] Ew, I splattered all over! Gotta go collect up my flesh.
> Don't get cocky, okay?"
> "Who, Me?"
CROW: It's capitalized.
TOM: Does that mean Davey is God?
MIKE: Only in his dreams.
> "Er, Tails, do I act like that."
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Do I forget to put in question marks too.
> "Oh, no, Sonic. You never stop that far away from the walls. C'mon,
> Uncle Davey. I know where to get Aunt Sally's stuff."
CROW: [ Tails ] See, there's this drug dealer near--
MIKE: OK, just stop right there.
>
CROW: Looks to be the end. Or something.
TOM: For now.
MIKE: [ picks up Tom ] So, you think you could show me some of those comics?
TOM: Sure...
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ INT SOL. Everyone's in front of a computer-- Tom has his laptop, Crow is
using the odd-colored one featured in the MSTings "Three Music Videos" and
"Two Shades of Sally", and Mike's tapping away at a palmtop one. ]
MIKE: Hee hee hee! Oh, that Ralph. Won't he ever learn?
CROW: Man, Bob's in the wrong place at the really wrong time!
TOM: Kinda sudden, eh, Amy? No wonder Thomas fled!
MIKE: [ looks up at Cambot ] Oh, hi-ho, friendly readers! We were just looking
at some of these web comics. Cambot'll show the web addresses during the
credits, right? [ Cambot nods ] Anyway, I'm gonna go get a snack. You
guys keep browsing. [ He leaves. ]
TOM: [ waits until a few seconds after Mike is gone, then... ] Netscape.
CROW: Internet Explorer.
TOM: Netscape!
CROW: Internet Explorer!
TOM: NETSCAPE!!
CROW: INTERNET EXPLORER!!
MIKE: [ o.s. ] Guys, what are you doing?
BOTS: Nothing, Mike.
MIKE: [ o.s. ] Good.
TOM: Hey, here's a neat site! It's about us!
CROW: Hm?
TOM: Yeah! It's called "Web Site #9"--
CROW: Cambot, give me Web Site #9! Hee hee! [ The view starts to fade. ] No, I
was just kidding. [ It returns to normal. ]
TOM: Honest mistake.
CROW: So, it's about us?
TOM: Yeah! It's got a huge archive of the riffings we've done on fanfics,
spam, and postings! It's got Artemis' Lover--
CROW: Yeuggh! Don't remind me!
TOM: --Rangers of NIMH 1 and 2--
CROW: Gag. Ga-a-ag.
TOM: --*16* Stephen Ratliff stories--
CROW: I'm gonna barf up my CPU any minute now.
TOM: --and a whole bunch of Abians, John_-_Winstons, Robert E. McElwaines,
and more!
CROW: Man, Sounds like someone has a *lot* of time on his or her hands.
TOM: Yeah. It's by-- [ Tom stops and stares. ]
CROW: What?
TOM: What's Mike's full name?
CROW: "Michael J. Nelson". Why? Who made the site?
TOM: "Michael K. Neylon". [ Both bots stare at the laptop screen. ]
MIKE: [ returns, munching a cookie ] Hiya. Hey, you guys found my web site!
BOTS: Huh?
MIKE: Yeah! Recently, I've been archiving all of these MSTings in my spare
time.
CROW: Uh, how'd ya get the Joel-era ones?
MIKE: Dr. Forrester had them saved. I managed to hack in.
TOM: Hmm. You need a better pseudonym.
MIKE: Well, it's worked! Not one person has e-mailed me thinking I'm who I am.
CROW: But are you?
MIKE: Of course! I think.
TOM: Wait, if you're not who you say you are, then who are you?
MIKE: I'm me! Well, I guess I'm me.
TOM: My head hurts now.
CROW: Oh, big change.
TOM: Why you--
[ The Commercial Sign flashes. ]
MIKE: Just cool down. We've got Psychic Network Sign, and we'll be right back.
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 3 of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com
-or-
gleemoth@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com)
Part 4 of 9
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
MIKE: Great comics, Tom. Thanks.
CROW: Yeah, it brings your spirit up.
TOM: No problem.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 9
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: And feelin' fine!
CROW: Speak for yourself.
>
> The trio entered the mall area,
TOM: Trio?
MIKE: Um, Davey and two others, probably.
> unaware that they were being watched by
> a robotic rubber chicken behind a tree.
CROW: Man, Big Bird did not age well.
> This Bot was joined by a mechanical
> monkey
MIKE: Diddy Kong!
> and a pint-sized tank.
> "Grounder, the phone."
CROW: [ whoever ] It's stuck in my nose.
> The tank opened up his
TOM: So the tank's a he?
MIKE: Never seen a male tank before.
> chest.
MIKE: Ouch!
> "Here it is,
> Scratch."
MIKE: No, scratch that.
> "S.S.S.S.S.
CROW: Chicken or snake? *You* make the call!
> Squad to Lord Snivley. We just saw Sonic and Tails
TOM: And King Davey, ruler of all.
> go into the Minoc Mall." "Yeah," the monkey added, "and with a giant fox we
> don't recognize. Looks like a dumb hick to me. <chuckles>"
CROW: If he only knew how right he was.
> "That's no ordinary dumb hick, Coconuts,"
TOM: [ Snively ] It's a *really* dumb hick!
> Snivley said from the control
> room of Robotropolis.
MIKE: *Gasp*. He spelled it right!
TOM: Actually, his spelling is improving by *small* amounts.
MIKE: Hm. Ever read "Flowers for Algernon"?
BOTS: No.
MIKE: Never mind.
> "His name is Davey Crockett, and he's a new member of
TOM: Rush.
> the Freedom Fighters. Be sure to give him a good freshman hazing as you get
CROW: The measles.
> that repulsive hedgehog and that flea-bitten brat of his."
> "Will do, Lord Snivley!" "'Lord Snivley!' Ha! Never thought I'd see
> the d--"
MIKE: Dratted loser?
TOM: Dumb hick?
> Snivley cut Coconuts off
MIKE: [ Snively ] Hi-keeba!
> and turned to Packbell.
> "The S.S.S.S.S. Squad, Boss? Hardly the bots for the Job. Those three
> dimwits can't handle Sonic or Tails, and you sicced them on this . . .
CROW: [ Packbell ] This *dumb* *hick*?!
> Psycho? <Points to Davey's human pic>"
> "Mr. Crockett is becoming too cocky too fast if he thinks he can just
> step into Mobius like he actually owns the planet.
ALL: But he *does*!
> He needs to learn some .
> . . humility."
ALL: Agreed.
> Snivley turns his back to his underboss. "Besides, those
> three bots are expendable."
CROW: Yeah! They can grow really long, and--
MIKE: That's "extendable".
> "Expendable, you say."
MIKE: Tally-ho, chop-chop.
> Packbell eyes narrow.
CROW: Which ones?
> He looked like he was in
> deep thought.
TOM: Oh, it's just an optical illusion.
> He faded back and out of the room.
TOM: Now *Packbell* is the Amazing Rando!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: You can only make so many jokes about the same horizontal line.
>
> By the time Packbell arrived at Minoc Grove, Davey was through with
> Sally's shopping chores. He also got a few things for himself as well, like
CROW: A nice silk dress.
> a baseball cap with the House of Acorn crest on it. He switched his now
> famous
TOM: Impersonation of Madonna.
> racoon tail,
MIKE: Bookshire! No!
CROW: I thought it was Rotor.
TOM: No, Rotor's the geeky fox.
MIKE: Rotor's geeky, but I think he's the walrus.
CROW: Wrong, Mike.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: The walrus has to be... Paul!
MIKE: [ pause ] What I wouldn't give for a Narn and a baseball bat right about
now.
> which is detachable, to that hat, and gave the old one
> to Tails, which was close by. "Uncle Davey, what does . . . SIUE mean?"
CROW: Gesundheit.
> "Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville. It's a college I went
> to when I was still on Earth."
> What do you call a redneck with a college education?
MIKE: A liar?
> Packbell mused to
> himself as he hid cloaked in the trees. A very dangerous man, or in this
> case,
TOM: Moron.
> yipper. My guts tell me that he's gonna be more trouble than he's
> worth. I've gotta study him.
MIKE: [ Packbell ] There might be a pop quiz next period.
> Davey dumped the stuff in the trunk of the
MIKE: Elephant that accompanied them.
CROW: This, of course, was met with some resistance.
> hovercycle, quickly catching
> a can of nuts for Sally before it fell off. Reaction time's 7 times quicker
> than
CROW: [ Packbell ] That of a slug.
> average. Humm.
TOM: [ Packbell ] I don't know the words.
> Must be those cyborg implants. My sensors indicate
> that he is
MIKE: [ Packbell ] The personification of the author.
> partly roboticized, but not all of him that's 'bot.
CROW: Huh?
> That left
> arm's actually
TOM: [ Packbell ] Styrofoam!
> a computer terminal on steroids
MIKE: [ announcer voice ] Two weeks later, it was discovered that Davey's
robotic arm had been on steroids. The team was stripped of its
title...
> . . . oh-oh, Dumb, Dumber,
> and Dumbest are here . . .
TOM: AAAAAHH!! They made a SEQUEL!!
> Neither Davey or Tails saw the three incoming 'bots.
CROW: 'Cause, y'know, they're not observant.
> Davey just closed
> the trunk and activated the security systems, and headed back to the mall
> with Tails in tow.
TOM: Ick.
MIKE: I don't think that's what... never mind.
> As he went, however, he was looking around him. "Hey,
> Tails, you feel like you're being watched?"
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> "Ummm, I dunno. Something's wrong?"
> "I dunno either. Something's got me running a bit paranoid.
CROW: So he's afraid that he'll get the runs?
MIKE: Crow! Eeyuck!
> I'll
> check the scanner." David held his right hand to his head
TOM: [ Davey ] Damn this migraine headache!
> as his eyes
> glowed again. His eyes must double as computer terminals to be glowing like
> that. Good thing I've got a stealth mode. I don't want to confront him yet
> . . .
MIKE: I wish this was still set up as a web page. The thinking is giving me a
headache.
CROW: But Mike, you should be used to that by now!
BOTS: [ giggle ]
MIKE: Oh, very funny. *Very* funny.
> "Drat, It's so buzy in here that I can't
MIKE: [ Davey ] Hear a thing!
BOTS: [ start buzzing ]
> get a good fix on any bot
> activity, but I do detect
CROW: [ Davey ] A strip club.
TOM: No, that's *hot* activity.
MIKE: You guys are hopeless!
> a tall cat and a chameleon coming this way. Must
> be Mel and Cleo."
> And it was. Cleo rushed the two-tailed furball. "Hi, Tails!" Tails
> managed to return the 'hello' before being crunched in a bearhug.
ALL: [ various cracking crunching shattering bone breaking sounds ]
> About the
> same time, Davey tapped on his right arm, and a song belted out.
MIKE: [ singing ] I love you... you love me...
ALL: [ singing ] Let's hang Davey from a tree...
TOM: Wait a minute! His *left* arm's the robotic one!
CROW: [ chuckling ] Whoops!
> Davey took
> a title track from a pro-wrestler and spliced in Amy Rose and Tails' voices:
> I think I'm cute/
MIKE: Not.
> I know I'm sexy/
CROW: You know wrong, bucko.
> I've got the feeling/up an down my
> spine....
TOM: You're alone.
> "DAVEY!!! STOP THAT!!! I'M DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT HERE!!!"
CROW: We're dying of boredom. Wait your turn.
> I'm just a sexy boy (sexy boy)/
ALL: [ snort ]
> I'm not your boy toy (boy toy)
MIKE: Either of you ever wind up those walking toys and set them in front of a
ledge?
CROW: No. Sounds like fun!
TOM: Let's try that later.
> "ARRRRRRRGH!!!!"
CROW: My thoughts exactly.
> Tails ran out of the scene as Davey and Melanie were
> laughing.
ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha.
> Packbell was too, inwardly. As the two followed the beleaguered
CROW: Ooo, vocab word!
> 10-year-old, they were themselves being tailed by
MIKE: Cute little girls selling cookies.
BOTS: Awwww.
> Scratch, Grounder, and
> Coconuts.
MIKE: OK, cute little bots selling cookies.
BOTS: Awwww.
> Scratch went to see what was in that trunk and was promptly
> electrocuted.
MIKE: OK, cute little bots getting blasted.
BOTS: Owwww.
> Smart thinking, Crockett. Waitaminute, what's that bamfing
ALL: [ snicker ]
> in?
> A falcon with a red cape appeared out of nowhere.
CROW: Isn't that illogical? I mean, everything has to come from *somewhere*.
> It was Lutherain,
ALL: [ snicker ]
MIKE: Well, this fanfic may suck, but at least it's entertaining.
> the familiar
MIKE: Then how come we don't know him?
> of Sonia Hedgehog, someone Packbell knows too well; after all,
TOM: How cute. They used to date.
> he was the one that did the half-done roboticization on her.
CROW: So?
> The falcon
> swooped down and nestled on Davey's shoulder. I'll be damned.
ALL: We'll help.
> Sonia's
> warming up on him? This I've gotta see. Packbell leapt to the rooftops and
> followed the entire scene unfolding.
TOM: Let it unfold without us. Please.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: OK, I've got it. The Jolly Green Giant's vaulting pole.
>
> Melanie was joined by Antoine as Davey stopped by a Card and Flower
> shop and telepathically
TOM: Oh, great, now he's telepathic!!
> said to Lutherain.
CROW: Said what?
MIKE: [ Davey ] I just let one.
> 'I
CROW: [ Davey ] Suck.
MIKE: Oh, so we've got quotes for telepathy but not thought?
> wanna get something for Suni,
> but I don't know what. Any suggestions, Luth?'
TOM: [ Lutherain ] How 'bout red fox repellent? She was telling me she wanted
some of that.
> 'Oh, the usual. Flowers, perfume, a card . . . I'd say candies, buy
MIKE: Low, sell high?
> it's a bit warm for that. Wine's out too, with Suni being a minor still. I
> was wondering, Dave, what would you do back home when you fall in love?'
> 'Heck,
MIKE: I am Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light! Do not take the name of Heck in
vain!
CROW: Yeah, and that goes for me too!
MIKE: Who're you supposed to be?
CROW: Steve, Prince of Rapidly Waning Luminosity.
> I'd just spray paint her name on a water tower.'
MIKE: Wouldn't the Warners complain?
> Lutherain crackled out loud. He's heard Davey's 'redneck' routines
> before. He especially likes the 'Redneck Test' created by this Jeff
> Foxworthy
CROW: This Jeff Foxworthy, that Jeff Foxworthy, everywhere a Jeff Foxworthy
Jeff Foxworthy.
TOM: [ chanting ] We are not Foxworthy! We are not Foxworthy!
> guy to find out if you are one, since you can't tell by listening
> for accents. If you can answer 'Yes' to at least seven of these questions,
> then you just might be
MIKE: Crow T. Robot.
CROW: Heey!
> a redneck. If you can't count that far,
MIKE: You're *definitely* Crow T. Robot!
CROW: HEY!!
> you get an
CROW: Honorary job as a fanfic author!
> automatic mention. . .
>
> "Oui," Antoine interjected
TOM: Eww.
> into the shared musings. "Would you like
> zome flowerz or ze candeez for the girl of your dreamz, or
MIKE: [ Antoine ] Don't you dream at all?
> will you zettle
> for ze Krylon?"
> Davey laughed. "Nah, Ant. There's no overpasses around Knothole. . .
> A-ha." He eyed a bottle of Mystic brand perfume that was within his budget.
> "This will do." He had it gift-wrapped with a card included. He signed it
TOM: "Some dork".
> with a racoon tail. 'That'll show Suni who's that from. Who else wears a
> coontail cap--waitaminute, what's that outside?'
TOM: It's a bird!
CROW: It's a plane!
TOM: No, it's a bird!
CROW: It's a plane, you dunce!
MIKE: No, it's an elephant, I'm sure of it!
> Sonic was found dressed up as a mall cop, harassing a robot chicken,
> monkey, and toy tank. 'The bot's names are Scratch, Coconuts, and Grounder,
CROW: So one bot has three names?
TOM: Why not? Davey has 17.
> respectively. They're known as the S.S.S.S.S.Squad.'
> 'S.S.S.S.S. Squad?'
MIKE: They're snakes in disguise.
> 'Super Stinky Smelly Stupid Slow-Mo Squad.'
> 'Good one, Lutherain.'
ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. It is funny. We laugh at it. Ha ha ha.
> "Waitaminute! We're not stupid!
CROW: Just 'cause we can't open childproof bottles, and testers have to dig
for our IQs, and we can't spell "three", and we need help putting on our
underpants, and we all think two plus two is eleventeen, that doesn't
mean we're stupid!
> That's no mall cop, that's Sonic!"
> "Get him!"
> "Oh-oh, Sonic's been 'made.'"
ALL: Ewww!!
> Three robots piled on Sonic, who merely wiggled out of the heap of
> metal as the bots argued it out amongst themselves for about 15 seconds.
CROW: Y'know, physical humor just doesn't translate well into text.
MIKE: Or it could just not be funny at all.
> Davey handed the present to Antoine. "Hold this, Ant. This won't take
> more than a minute."
MIKE: [ Davey ] I just tie the string to your tooth, the other end to my
hovercycle...
> "Good luck, mon ami."
MIKE: [ Antoine ] What should I put on your tombstone, er, I mean, see you
when you get back!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: Jack and the, er, Leafless Beanstalk.
>
> Clop-Clop-Clop-Clop-Clop. . .
CROW: [ Monty Python-esque ] Someday we'd better get ourselves actual horses.
> Three bots noticed the approaching footsteps and looked up at the tall
> orange fox
TOM: Isn't he supposed to be a red fox?
MIKE: You expected continuity?
TOM: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
> entering the fray. "Hey, my man--er, hedgehog. These bot's
> giving you crap?" The fox looked like he means business by the way he was
TOM: <gag, gag>
> dressed;
CROW: [ Davey ] Wha-- Little Bo Peep?! Where's my Means Business outfit?
> an 'uniform' he got himself in the stores:
TOM: I'm afraid to ask...
> Earthling Levis tucked
> into boots. Two laser pistols holstered at the hips and The Power Rifle--
> another toy he brought with himself over The Void, if anyone in the scene
> cared to ask--
MIKE: Oh yeah, forgot to give him a weapon, so just say he got one way
earlier!
CROW: It's Standard Plot Contrivance #75.
TOM: What's #76?
CROW: "Kidnapping of boy/girlfriend."
> behind the back. The Y-shaped suspenders with the Acorn icon
TOM: Acorn icon! Acorn icon! Acorn icon! Acorn icon!
CROW: Stop.
MIKE: Repeat it endlessly! Annoy your friends! Lose your job! Get expelled! Be
put up for adoption!
CROW: Stop it!
TOM: Acorn icon. Acone icron. Racone icnon. Nacone ricron.
CROW: STOP IT!!
TOM: [ muttered ] Ranecone nicron.
> in the middle. The cyborg left arm expanded into 'Combat Mode.' And then
> the eyes, ruby quartz red and glowing like a pair of sunsets.
CROW: Hey, guys, we switched from Blood and Metal to Redneck Rampage!
TOM: Awright!
MIKE: Somebody whack Bubba with a crowbar!
> Davey
> Crockett thought of colored contacts, but Suni thought they looked cool
> enough the way they are; they reminded her of Scott Summers' eyeballs.
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Even though I have no idea who Scott Summers is.
> "Hey, nothing I can't handle, Big Daddy. I can handle these Badniks
> any old day."
> "Then would you mind if I join you?
CROW: [ Davey ] I've got "boogie fever"! Boogie with me, blue man!
> If I don't kill at least one bot
> in a day, I'm afraid I'll just spoil."
> "H-h-h-h-hey," Scratch stammered, as he almost figured out who's just
> joining in the game. "Y-y-you're not that new--"
> "Yes, I am." Crockett advanced toward the robot chicken.
MIKE: Chicken limbo's the one! Big fun!
CROW: Ca-a-all for Robot Chicken!
TOM: Buckaw!
> Sonic
> smiled. "Check this out Tails, the good part's coming up. This is where
> robot parts start flying and the oil starts spray--" Suddenly, Sonic looked
> surprised. "Behind you, Dave!"
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Dave, your behind!
> The feeling was mutual in Lutherain. Oh, crud. It's Packbell!!
> Neither of them got a chance to finish their lines before Packbell
> dropped on top of Davey Crockett and sunk his arms around Davey's head in a
> sleeper hold!
CROW: [ Packbell ] I've always loved you.
TOM: And now, for your viewing displeasure, a demonstration of Standard Plot
Contrivance #76.
> "Think you could just waltz into the place and save the
> world, Rookie? Can't have that from my side, mister. Imagine what Suni
> would feel with her newly-beloved cyborg boyfriend being delivered to her in
> a pizza box? Heh-heh-heh-heh!"
MIKE: Well, that's what she'd *say*.
> All of the sudden, Davey's eyes glow red. Gritted teeth show a new surge
MIKE: Energy *SURGE*!!
> of
> hardness.
BOTS: Ewwww!!
MIKE: Guys...
> If you look closely, text caqn
ALL: [ chuckle ]
TOM: Does Davey even know the word "spell-check"?
CROW: Maybe it's supposed to be "Cajun"!
MIKE: Oh, great, an X-Men crossover.
> be seen on his left arm, the same text that
> glares in his vision.
CROW: Do you want to, or shall I?
MIKE: Let's do it together.
TOM: OK! One, two, three--
ALL: BITE ME, DAVEY!!
> Davey Crockett is now in "Kick Bot Mode:"
ALL: [ snicker ]
>
> ALERT---UNIT UNDER ATTACK BY:
TOM: Two robots and one human.
> ANDROID DESIGNATE: PACKBELL
CROW: Gateway.
MIKE: Dell.
TOM: Macintosh.
CROW: Mac-boy.
TOM: Bite me.
MIKE: Stop now.
BOTS: Bite us.
> METHOD OF ATTACK: SUBMISSION HOLD
CROW: S&M?
MIKE: Crow, no.
> BLOOD FLOW TO CPU RESTRICTED TO 75%
ALL: Woo-hoo!
> REINFORCING NECK REGION TO COMPENSATE...
>
> Davey's neck begins to expand under Packbell's arms.
TOM: Eww!
CROW: His head soon followed suit.
> The android
> notices this: "What the Phrack?"
>
> BLOOD FLOW STABILIZING
> BODY BANK STATUS:
TOM: Foreclosed.
> FULLY CHARGED
> SUGGESTED PLAN: BREAK PACKBELL'S HOLD
MIKE: Well, duuuh.
CROW: Gee, ya think?!
> SUGGESTED ACTION: JACK HIS JAW
CROW: Jack his jaw! Thwap it, punch it, smack it! Hit it, even!
> PROCESSING...
TOM: General protection fault.
MIKE: Bad command or file name.
CROW: (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail?
>
> Davey grabbed Packbell's head with both hands, moved that head above
> his own, and dropped to his posterior. Davey's head got in the way of
> Packbell's jaw.
CROW: Guh-fwa?
TOM: What just happened there?
MIKE: My head hurts.
> "OW!" He
MIKE: Who?
CROW: Wha?
> let one arm go to nurse his chin.
CROW: Bottle or--
MIKE: [ fake sneeze ] Achoo.
CROW: Uh, never mind.
>
> DAMAGE TO PACKBELL: 10%
TOM: From one stupid jaw-thwack?!
> BODY BANK STATUS: RECHARGING AT 82%
CROW: Right.
> SUGGESTED ACTION: SHOULDER TOSS
MIKE: Sure thing.
> AMPLIFYING PULSE AND ...
TOM: We're with you.
> PROCESSING...
CROW: Uh-huh.
>
> Davey grabbed Packbell again
CROW: Ewwww!
MIKE: Crow, just... oh, forget it.
> and threw him over his robot shoulder,
> landing the droid
TOM: [ R2D2 ] Bleep-bloop!
> three meters in front of the borg.
TOM: We are Cheech and Chong of Borg! Come on! We can assimilate you, and we
can smoke all of this bag together! What do you say? Grab the bong!
CROW: I am Pentium of Borg. You will be approximated. Division is futile.
MIKE: I am Ernie of Borg. You will be assimilated into a rubber ducky.
>
> DAMAGE TO PACKBELL: 15%
TOM: So when he got hit in the jaw it was 10%, but he got thrown three meters
and that's only 5%?
CROW: Yeah, and 15% of what?!
MIKE: Maybe it really is Redneck Rampage!
CROW: More like Duke Nukem 3D.
TOM: Or maybe Mortal Kombat.
CROW: If only it was Tomb Raider.
TOM: [ Homer Simpson ] Mmm... Lara Croft...
> BODY BANK STATUS: RECHARGING AT 75%
TOM: And without a single medipack.
> SWITCHING TO POWER RIFLE:
CROW: Yeah.
> TARGETING MODE:
MIKE: Okay.
> <Crosshairs appeared in Davey's field of vision, moving on Packbell and
> locking on.>
TOM: Whatever.
> PACKBELL TARGETED...
CROW: Get on with it!
MIKE: You do realize what you're saying.
CROW: Oops. Take your time!
>
> Davey looked down Packbell through rifle sights,
TOM: Oh, nice going, Crow! You jinxed it!
CROW: Shut up, bubblehead!
> "Deliver me to Sonia
> in a pizza box, eh?
TOM: [ Davey ] Fine by me!
> I can't have that, can I? Maybe I should give her your
> head with that perfume?"
CROW: Oh, very romantic. A robot head.
MIKE: Hey, I gave a robot head to Ginger for her birthday once.
TOM: Er...
[ Crow and Tom look at Mike and scoot away. ]
MIKE: Guys, I was *kidding*.
> He them turned to the other three bots. "I may be
> new to Mobius, but last time I checked,
MIKE: [ Davey ] You're supposed to wear pants on your *legs*.
> hazing is a felony."
> "H-H-How'd you know?"
TOM: [ Davey ] Er, lucky guess?
> "About the hazing? Scratch, you're addressing someone with one arm in
> cyberspace,
MIKE: One arm in Topeka.
> one eye in virtual reality!
TOM: One eye off and one eye on.
> Anything going through Mobius'
> Information Superhighway I see and hear omnisciently!
CROW: Ahem. Omniscient, adjective. Having universal knowledge or knowledge of
all things; infinitely knowing.
TOM: Anyone else see a discrepancy here?
> Snivley can't even
> sneeze without me noticing!!
MIKE: [ Davey ] Hey, there he goes now!
> In fact, I knew where all four of you were the
> moment I stepped in here, but I didn't want to make a scene!"
ALL: Ri-i-ight.
> "Whoa." "If 'Information is Power'. . . "
CROW: Davey is wussier than Wesley Crusher?
MIKE: I did that one earlier.
> "Sacre Bleu Cheez!
ALL: [ snicker ]
> Hez an
TOM: [ Antoine ] Fez!
> electronic onmipath!"
CROW: Huh, *onmi*path?
> "Must be awfully crowded in his head."
CROW: Let's just skip this one.
> "So you think you're a god, eh?"
ALL: [ Davey ] Yes.
> Packbell's right arm morphs into a
> gun. "Let's see you die and come back in three days!!"
ALL: Yes, let's!
> "Go lube yourself, Packie!"
MIKE: Okay, now this definitely deserves an "Ew".
ALL: Ewww!
> Davey opened fire,
TOM: Hey, when ya play with fire, yer gonna get BURNED!!
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh, FIRE!!
> punching a hole in
> Packbell's right arm, which
MIKE: Shouted, "Owie owie owie!"
> flowed back in one piece liquidly. "What the
> phrack are you?! The T-1000?!?"
TOM: "?!?"?
CROW: Better than "_-_".
TOM: [ spasms ]
> "Who's the T-1000, rookie?"
MIKE: It's Mr. T on steroids!
TOM: [ Mr. T ] I *pity* the fool who tries to blast *my* arm!
>
CROW: A word of warning.
> WARNING
CROW: OK, I'm done.
MIKE: Hey, you peeked!
> --PACKBELL HAS TARGET LOCK
TOM: OK, sure.
> SWITCHING POWER RIFLE TO PATRIOT MODE
CROW: Hey, yeah, it's "tar-and-feather mode".
>
> "Never mind. . ."
>
> Packbell opened with a barrage of laser fire at Davey, but his return
> volley took out all of Packbell's shots before they reached a meter.
ALL: [ snort ]
MIKE: I wish we could figure out something to say besides snorting or
snickering.
CROW: Well, how 'bout: [ announcer ] And it's a volley to Packbell, who swings
his racket, and-- wow! The ball flies past the net and right over
Davey's head!
MIKE: Good!
CROW: Thanks.
> ". . . Private joke."
CROW: New Joke Lite(tm)! Not funny, but private, and it's better for you!
> Packbell was impressed. "Your reaction time is non-existent, Dave.
MIKE: Meaning he doesn't react.
> Are you perhaps an android like myself?"
TOM: [ Butthead ] Uh... I dunno.
> "Only that anyone even partially robotic are, Packbell."
MIKE: My head *really* hurts.
> Davey set the
> rifle on a magnetic strap on his holster belt. "But if you think that I was
> created artificially, you are dead wrong." Borg
TOM: I am Geraldo of Borg. On today's show, people who have been assimilated,
and the women who love them.
MIKE: I am Popeil of Borg. Get assimilated, while supplies last!
CROW: I am Apple Newton of Borg. You w1l1 be assImiIated by an aut0mat1c
hendwr1t1ng reoogn1ti0n 5ystam.
> and droid charged each
> other. "My heart is flesh."
CROW: [ Davey ] It's all squishy.
> Davey throws a punch into Packbell's guts.
> "My spirit, human." An uppercut snaps back the head.
TOM: Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots!
> "And my mind. . . "
> Davey lifts Packbell up high above
MIKE: This blade of grass.
> his head. "Beyond comprehension!"
ALL: YA GOT THAT RIGHT!!
> He
> throws his victim into Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts.
>
> CURRENT POWER LEVELS INSUFFICIENT IN
MIKE: Heating water to boiling point, then letting potatoes simmer.
> NEUTRALIZING THREAT:
> MORE POWER REQUIRED.
ALL: [ Tim Allen ] More power! <grunt>
> NEAREST SOURCE:
CROW: That big waffle over there.
TOM: A power socket?
MIKE: Ten bucks says he sticks his tongue in it.
> SONIC'S POWER RING
>
> "Sonic," Davey shouts with a headlock on Packbell, "pass the ring!"
CROW: [ grunting ]
> Sonic reaches for the ring and fades back and forth, trying to find a
> good throwing position. "No good, dude, I'm blocked."
MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'm made completely of Legos!
> "Try for a bank shot . . ."
> <The view flashed into virtual reality polygons and moved up to the air.
ALL: [ obviously bored ] Wow...
> Looking down, several paths were flashed
CROW: Yick!
> until one is decided on.>
> ". . . Off the fountain, behind Antoine, between Scratch and Grounder,
TOM: Over the arches, off Grimace's head...
MIKE: Past the Rockies, under New York City...
CROW: Up Davey's--
MIKE: CROW!
> nothing but
TOM: Nothing.
> net!"
> Sonic throws.
CROW: Crow chucks.
TOM: Tom tosses.
MIKE: Mike messes.
ALL: And all alliterate!
> Packbell frees himself from Davey's hold.
> Off the Fountain. Sonic gets sacked by Scratch.
CROW: Sheesh. Sonic sucks in this story! And soon, SuperDavey saves his stupid
spines.
MIKE: [ claps ]
CROW: [ bows ] Thank you, thank you.
> Davey gives Packbell
> a good hard kick in the crouch.
MIKE: [ flinches ]
CROW: So Packbell was squatting on the ground, waiting for Davey to kick him?
TOM: He didn't actually mean "crouch" with a *u*.
CROW: Ohhh.
> Every male in the scene holds their own in
CROW: Battle.
> pain.
TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh, that was cool. A robot got kicked in the nads,
and a bunch of people grabbed their crotch.
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, yeah. It'd suck if it was us getting kicked,
though.
TOM: [ Butthead ] Heh, you got nothing to kick.
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, hm, yeh, uh... shut up, dumbass.
> Behind Antoine. "Yiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!" "I got it!" "No, I got it!"
TOM: Eeeyuck!!
CROW: That is *disgusting*!!
MIKE: Guys, they meant the Power Ring. The *Power* *Ring*!
> Davey re-grabs his
BOTS: Yuuck!!
MIKE: POWER RING!! POWER RING!!
> Power
MIKE: See? Power Ring!
> Rifle.
MIKE: Oh.
> Between Grounder . . . He reaches for the ring. . . BLAM! . . .
> Grounder's arm is shot off.
CROW: [ flinches ]
> . . . and Coconuts. He reaches for the ring. . . BLAM! . . . Coconuts'
> arm is shot off.
TOM: ... and Tom. He can't reach for the ring... BLAM!... Tom's head
explodes.
MIKE: Don't even joke about that.
> Davey scrambles to receive the ring. Packbell tries to block. Davey's
> left arm gets in Packbell's face
CROW: Man, Davey'd better not say "Bite me" right now!
> as the right arm reaches out for the
TOM: Baby wipes.
MIKE: [ Dr. Peanut ] I could use a lot of these; I just smelled myself.
CROW: You do his voice well.
> magical golden hoop . . .
CROW: You mean the Power Ring?
MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions.
TOM: I'm having a red emerald flashback.
> ". . . and the catch is . . . . . "
MIKE: Sucky?
> "GOOD!!! ALRIGHT, BIG DADDY!! GO RAMS!! GO RAMS!!!"
BOTS: GO RAM IT!! GO RAM IT!!
> Nova. Packbell gets thrown back. The sound of a tornado. The fur a
> fiery gold. The eyes a blinding
CROW: Heh, get it, guys? Eyes? Blind? It's a joke!
MIKE, TOM: Yeah, whatever.
> white.
CROW: The fart a tasty green.
TOM: The corpse a bloody red.
MIKE: The story a crap-filled brown.
>
> NECESSARY POWER LEVEL ACHIEVED
> TARGETING PACKBELL.....
MIKE: [ Davey ] Hey, where'd he go?
CROW: [ Sonic ] He's right behind you, waiting for you to finish.
TOM: <sword swing, slice>
>
> <a large and red 'FINISH HIM!' can be seen>
ALL: [ snort ]
CROW: I don't believe this. It actually *is* Mortal Kombat.
TOM: He's got the crummy spelling down.
CROW: You mean "krummy".
MIKE: And the unbelievably stupid characters.
CROW: "Kharacters."
> A chant of 'FINISH
MIKE: The story, for crying out loud!
CROW: "Krying".
> HIM!' can be heard from the chanting crowd.
> "SEE YOU IN HELL, PACKIE!"
CROW: [ Packbell ] Not if I see you first.
TOM: [ Packbell ] Oh, you will, believe me.
> "oh, sh--"
MIKE: --ut your trap, Davey?
TOM: --oot, I forgot my capital O?
CROW: --itake mushrooms?
> Davey pulls the trigger.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Um...
MIKE: OK...
TOM: Eh?
>
> Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts went to pieces in a lightning bolt half
> a meter wide coming from that rifle. A burst of oil splattered the air in a
> 5-meter cubic area.
CROW: So Davey used a horizontal line to signify that, what, three seconds had
passed?
TOM: Something like that.
> The crowd goes wild!
ALL: [ apathetic ] Yaaay.
> "Crockett Wins!!!! FATALITY!!!"
TOM: Davey Crockett's Fatalities: The Crummy Fanfic.
CROW: The Carnivorous Bunny Rabbit.
MIKE: The Balloon Animals of Doom.
TOM: The Paper Cut.
CROW: The Sissy Slap.
MIKE: And That Thing That He Does That Hurts.
> "Crockett!!!
> Crockett!!! Crockett!!!--"
CROW: I'm gonna hurl.
> "HOLD IT!!!" The crowd goes silent.
MIKE: [ Davey ] I lost my contact lens!
> "I missed one." Davey points
> upward.
TOM: [ splat ]
MIKE: [ Davey ] Aah, my eye!
> "Whiffer!"
MIKE, CROW: Wizzer.
> Packbell managed to leap to safety at the last nano-second.
> "Man," Davey says through gritted teeth. "This one's good."
TOM: Happy Days!
MIKE, CROW: Boooo!
> "As you are, Crockett!" Packbell fans his smoking rear end. "I
> finally found a rebel worthy of my talent.
CROW: He's a tennis player?
TOM: A circus clown?
MIKE: Ooh, I know! He owns a mental home!
> We will meet again. . . <begins
> to sing>
MIKE: [ singing ] I'm giving you everything, all that joy can bring, this I
swear...
TOM: [ singing ] Any time I need to see your face I just close my eyes, and I
am taken to a place where your crystal mind and magenta feelings take up
shelter in the base of my spine, sweet like a chic-a-cherry-cola...
CROW: [ singing ] MMMBop, dingy-dingy-dingy-dong, MMMBop, ooby-dooby-dibby-
dabba...
> . . . Davey, Davey Crockett, King of the
ALL: CRAP!!!
> Cyber Frontier. . . "
> Packbell disappears from sight as Lutherain lands on Davey's shoulder.
TOM: And picks him up to feed to his children back at the nest.
MIKE: That's eagles.
> *The one thing about that one, his ruthlessness knows no bounds. Don't
> worry, you'll get another chance*
CROW: *Yikes*! He's screaming now!
MIKE: No, those are the new delimiters for telepathy.
> *I'm counting on it, Luth.* Davey acknowledges the crowd.
> "Da Winner, and New Champeen--Davey 'The Cyberfox' Crockett!!!" Sonic
> gives him a high-five.
TOM: Doesn't he only have four fingers?
CROW: Actually, Sonic and Tails have five fingers, but everyone else has four.
TOM: Oh. Thanks for the info, fanboy.
CROW: Oh, well, that's quite all--HEY!!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: That was the longest page so far.
CROW: Maybe the next one will be smaller.
> Page 10
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Er, a big fat hen.
>
> Snivley saw the whole battle from his unbelievably large chair
BOTS: How big was it?!
MIKE: Unbelievably big!
> in the
> Robotroplis
MIKE: Well, back to this again.
> control room, including the onrushing lightning bolt that was
TOM: Rayden's Fatality.
> the last thing Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts saw.
CROW: Breezy?
MIKE, TOM: Huh?
CROW: Never mind.
> The monitors they used
> to occupy are just white noise now.
CROW: I think I have one of their CDs.
> "Good Riddance," Snively said, shutting them off.
TOM: I'll go along with that.
> Then he turns to a
CROW: Chicken, I tell you! A giant *chicken*!!
> panel with a variety of levers and buttons labeled "Roboticizer Override."
> He strums his fingers on it for a while.
MIKE: [ whistles Turkey in the Straw ]
> "What am I going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?"
MIKE: Decapitation is always nice.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo
woo!!
>
> Packbell took out whatever was the garbage man--I think it was a bear-
TOM: Geez, the author's not even TRYING anymore!
> with a head shot
CROW: [ photographer ] That's great! Work with me, baby! Now a head shot...
> and rummaged through the trash collectibles, throwing out
> oil-soaked limbs of metal until he got to three CPU cards,
MIKE: He misspelled M:TG.
TOM: I counter.
> one for each of
> the three bots destroyed by Davey's super power shot.
MIKE, CROW: Red Dragon Thunderzord Power! Hee hee...
> The three chips were
> barely functional, with a red LCD light flashing on and off showing that it
CROW: Needs a coffee refill.
> still has a glimmer of life back in it.
TOM: Yeah, way back there, in the-- yeah, right there, see that shiny dot?
That's a glimmer of life. Ri-i-ight.
> "What am I going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?"
MIKE: Then again, a nice powerful poison would really do the trick.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo
woo!!
>
> When Davey gave Sonia the gift package of perfume, the girl hedgehog
> thought that it was the nicest thing that ever happened to her.
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Except for that great dream I had about Packbell blasting
Davey with a black laser.
> But then
> she got close and smelled
ALL: Umm...
> android stench.
TOM: From Chanel.
> She growled in rage, "What am I
> going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?"
MIKE: Of course, you just can't beat the power of an AK-47.
CROW: Is this repetition supposed to be funny?
> "Yes, Honey," Davey said with a fake whine. "I had to fight with that
> son of a
MIKE: [ covers Crow's eyes and Tom's... uh... dome ]
TOM: Hey!
CROW: What?
> bot,
MIKE: Oh. Never mind. [ He moves his hands. ]
> but I won, I'll tell you."
TOM: Ah gar-on-tee!
> "Dammit!" She pounds on Davey's roboticized part of his breast.
BOTS: Ewww!
CROW: He's got a robot breast?!
> "Dammit-Dammit-Dammit!!! Why, you psycho fox?! He could have killed you!!
> Why?!?"
CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] Why did you have to survive?!
> "He didn't kill me, Suni, as you can see.
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] I know! <sob> Why not?!
> Packbell must've burned you
> badly, didn't he?"
> "You don't know the half of it," Sonia collapses in tears into that
> chest. Her mind races back.
ALL: Go, Mind Racer, go, Mind Racer, go, Mind Racer, go!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo
woo!!
>
> Brent.
TOM: Brent Stonebutt.
MIKE: Brent Stinkchest.
CROW: Brent Rockgroin.
>
> Brent and me,
CROW: What?
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Oh, remember how Packbell was narrating a while ago? Now I think Sonia's
talking.
TOM: Thinking.
CROW: [ at the same time as Tom ] Suni.
MIKE: Whatever.
> hiking to
MIKE: Taco Bell!
> Knothole.
MIKE: That was my second guess.
>
> Brent and I being ambushed by Packbell.
TOM: Pow! To the moon, Sonia!
CROW: Suni.
TOM: Whatever!
>
> Brent taking the fatal blow ment
MIKE: --os freshness!
> for me.
>
> Brent's last 'I love you'.
CROW: Brent's fatal wedgie.
>
> Brent's last 'good-bye'.
TOM: Brent's last "I let one".
MIKE: Brent's last "Beef Chunkbuns".
CROW: Brent's last "bite me".
>
> Brent's lifeless hand...
CROW: Is it green and moldy?
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo
woo!!
MIKE: OK, that's more than enough of that.
>
> "That bastard's already killed every one of my loves, except you. I don't
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Love you, though.
> want him to take you away too, Daviiie."
MIKE: This fanfic is brought to you by the letters "I".
> As Sonia sobs, Davey's mind flashes to a file he has in his RAM on her.
CROW: He's been ramming her?
MIKE: Crow! Yech!
> It concerns a deceased squirrel named
TOM: Hmm. Gee, lemme guess... Could it possibly be "Brent"?
> Brent
TOM: Aha! Brent! I told you!
CROW: Wow, let's sign Tommy Boy up for the Psychic Network!
> Packbell.
BOTS: Su-u-ure.
> He was as close to
> Suni as Davey is now,
MIKE: Yeah, see, just a couple of inches.
> and the two were scheduled to be
CROW: Ambushed by Packbell. No, wait! I meant, uh...
> engaged
CROW: Yeah, that's it!
> when they
> were journeying to Knothole to join Princess Sally's Freedom Fighters. Yet,
> sadly,
TOM: This fanfic was created.
> that same android Davey just stared down attacked the couple en
> route, and Brent was killed in the battle.
> Suni just seemed to wilt afterward. She was very anti-social during
CROW: Her entire life.
> that time. Even Lutherain had trouble reaching her, and he's a telepath.
TOM: Oh, yeah, Mr. High-and-Mighty Telepath!
> It was not before this cyborg
CROW: Yoda of Borg am I! Assimilated you will be! Futile resistance is, hmm?
MIKE: I am Intel of Borg. You will be assimilated, but because other
cybernetic entities have cloned us and done a better job of assimilating
than we have, you will be renamed to Feablemystra Pro so we can
trademark the name.
TOM: I am Priest of Borg. Assimilate for your sins.
> human that followed Sally home,
BOTS: Can we keep him?
MIKE: Who would want to?
> who was
TOM: Old, ugly, fat, and unliked universally.
> destined to become the tall orange fox who is Davey Crockett,
TOM: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Past. Who was?
MIKE: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Present. Who is?
CROW: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Future. Bite me.
> when Boometia
> Sonia Madilyn Hedgehog
ALL: [ snort, snicker, chuckle ]
MIKE: Oh, give me a break!
TOM: "Boometia"?!
CROW: No wonder she uses her middle name!
> allowed her heart to trust anyone again. "I don't
> know what you did to her but I can greatly appreciate it, David," Princess
> Sally once said on the subject. "There seems to be a weight that lifts when
> she's around you."
MIKE: And then *slams* down over and over and over and over again!!
> Davey held his temperamental
CROW: --spazzy, annoying, irritating, mood-swinging--
> girlfriend tenderly and whispered into her
> ear. "I was almost killed by somebody worse than Packbell in my world, and
> I lived to tell about it. What makes you think that any bot, borg
CROW: I am Cochrane of Borg. You will be assimilated, even if it won't fit.
TOM: I am Rush Limbaugh of Borg. Liberals will be assimilated.
MIKE: We are Doug and Bob McKenzie of Borg. You will be assimilated, then
hosed, and then we'll all have a beer, eh?
> , or droid
TOM: [ R2D2 ] Bleep-bloop!
> with a gun and an attitude can finish me off?"
BOTS: We wish!
> "D-David, I must know, d-do you like
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Ham?
> me?"
> "Of, course I like you, Sonia."
CROW: [ Davey ] You suck, but everyone sucks except me, and you suck less than
others do.
> "No, not like that. I m-m-mean . . . do you really . . . like
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Ham?
> me?"
> "Oh," Davey pondered.
CROW: [ Davey ] Ding! All done.
MIKE: Guys? I think we need to talk.
> His mind goes back to the times that he tried to
> get a girlfriend, but due to his crappy social status on Earth,
TOM: Ya got that right!
CROW: About what?
> no one of
> the fairer sex wanted to be near him.
CROW: Ya got that right too!
MIKE: About our riffs on Davey.
TOM: What?
> All the good ones were taken by the
> handsome, the strong, the lucky.
CROW: Which he was not.
MIKE: You're not listening.
TOM: You want us to go easy on Davey?
MIKE: Well, just a bit.
> All that was left for him was the
> wallflowers and the weirdos.
CROW: Madonna!
TOM: RuPaul!
MIKE: Guys, c'mon.
CROW: Why?
MIKE: Well, we're being kind of harsh on him! I mean--
> Like the one who wanted him for sex and sex
> alone;
[ Everyone stares; for a few moments, no one speaks. Mike chuckles, then
snickers, then bursts into laughter. The bots soon follow suit. ]
> when he said that sex before marriage was just not his thing, she
> dumped him and cried 'rape' on him.
[ Everyone is still laughing loudly. ]
> He's sell his soul to the devil for a
> girl to say what Suni just said, honestly and without manipulation.
[ Finally, Mike & the bots calm down. ]
MIKE: Hoo boy!
CROW: Oh man!
TOM: Just when I thought this fanfic could NOT get any sillier!
MIKE: OK, just forget what I was saying earlier.
CROW: Done and done!
> Fortunately for him, he had a discount in the offer; his soul didn't need to
> be on the bargaining table--
MIKE: Satan rejected it anyway!
CROW: [ deep, evil voice ] Excellent... I have taught you well.
> just his left arm, and the dealer was a
> squirrel. "Sonia, my dear. I have never had a girlfriend in seven years.
MIKE: What, he had a girlfriend until he was a teenager?
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Maybe there's a reason for it, know what I mean, nudge
nudge, *stink* *stink*?!
> Trust me on this:
CROW: [ Nixon ] I am not a crook.
> It's love. I might be a little too quick
CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] Yeah, especially in-- [ Crow doesn't finish. Mike elbows
him in the beak, spinning his head around and around... ]
MIKE: Never ever *EVER* make a joke like that again.
TOM: Eeugh!
> on this--"
> Suni looked into his eyes and began to
MIKE: Puke!
> sparkle--all over her body. The
> stardust began to surround him too, lifting them up in the air. A 'poof,'
TOM: And who caused this poof?
ALL: The Amazing Rando!
> and then, Sonia was dressed up as
ALL: Elvis!
> a medieval princess, cone hat and all.
CROW: [ monotone ] We are Conehats. We come from France.
> Davey's clothes were changed too, into something that resembled what King
> Acorn wore.
TOM: A nice pink ballet tutu.
> "The Stardusrince,"
CROW: Gesundheit?
MIKE: Actually, no.
> Sonia said, the word flowing like the water off a
MIKE: Anything to say, Crow?
CROW: Uh, well, no.
> water
> fall."It means
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Bite Me.
CROW: Oh, really original.
TOM: Three words. "Pot". "Kettle". "Black".
CROW: If Mike wasn't between us, you'd be scrap metal.
> 'Love Dance'. You, Davey Crockett,
ALL: [ singing ] King of the CRAP Frontier!
> courier of the Royal House
> of Acorn,
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Really suck.
> have won my heart.
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] At a carnival game.
> I, Commadress Wizard Boometia Sonia Madylin of
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] The People with Moronic Names Club.
> the Regal House of
TOM: Stuff.
CROW: Thingies.
> Hedgehog,
MIKE: Oh, *Spiny* Thingies.
> love you with all my heart, soul, and body."
CROW: And waffles.
MIKE: And neck brace.
TOM: And butt.
CROW: And silly first name.
MIKE: And... oh, ah, pass.
TOM: And caramel Twixes.
> Neither one could stand
MIKE: So they both fell down.
> the tention
CROW: Hey, Mike, what's fivetion plus fivetion?
MIKE: I guess tention.
CROW: You're welcome! Wait, that doesn't work...
> at the moment.
TOM: So...
MIKE: [ falls over ]
CROW: Wha?
MIKE: Sorry. Couldn't stand the tension.
CROW: D'oh!
> Davey brought Suni up
TOM: From when she was just a child.
> with lighting speed
CROW: Blacklight?
TOM: Flourescent?
> and pressed his mouth against hers.
CROW: Eeeww!!
TOM: Hide me!!
MIKE: This is almost as bad as that scene in "The Eye of Argon" with the fat
guy and the babe.
CROW: I still don't understand how she could be slender and busty at once!
> His warm lips
> encased her own,
MIKE: Yep, this *is* the scene in "The Eye of Argon".
> filling her being
CROW: Oh, a self-service station of lo-o-ove!
> with
TOM: Sausage patties!
MIKE: Egg McMuffins!
> joy and excitement.
TOM: And sausage patties.
MIKE: And Egg McMuffins.
> Never have
> either of them kissed like this!
CROW: Y'know, you could leave out the last two words and that sentence would
still be totally accurate!
MIKE: Hm.
TOM: True.
> Only pure love could house such a
> passionate embrace.
MIKE: But Motel 6 comes darned close.
> Energy flowed from this kiss, soft and tender.
[ A glowing yellow blob of something bounces into the theater. ]
TOM: What's that?
MIKE: [ takes the blob ] Well, it's soft and tender. My guess? Flowing energy.
> Oh, how
> they wish to let all of Mobius melt away just for the two lovebirds to stay
> like this forever, in each others arms and thoughts...
MIKE: It kinda gets you right here. [ points to his heart ]
CROW: Yeah, it's getting me right about here! [ points to his stomach (or
where it would be, if he was human) ]
> Despite the fact that
> Sally entered the scene to ask for Davey again. She had the manners to wait
> for the lovebirds to pry themselves off each other
CROW: You get the feeling that this is... oh, I dunno... wrong?
TOM: In many ways, my friend. Many ways.
> this time. Besides,
> Davey flashed "Can it wait, Sal?" on his holographic monitor.
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
>
MIKE: [ high-pitched ] I must run away!
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: You know, "Mind Your Manners with Billy Quan"?
CROW: Nope.
MIKE: "Bricks of Fury"?
CROW: Nuh-uh.
MIKE: Haven't you ever seen Bill Nye?
CROW: No.
MIKE: You don't know what you're missing.
TOM: [ Billy Quan ] Remember, kids--be like Billy! Know your momentum!
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 4 of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com
-or-
gleemoth@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com)
Part 5 of 9
[ INT SOL. Mike is examining a large machine vaguely resembling an Apple ][.
Crow and Tom look on. ]
TOM: Since when are you such a mechanical expert?
MIKE: I took a Sally Struthers correspondence course. Hammer?
CROW: Hammer... hammer... [ Crow reaches over, grabs Tom by the head, and
hands him to Mike. ] Here ya go.
MIKE: Thanks. [ Mike pounds at the machine for a moment and then notices
Tom. ] Ack! [ drops Tom ]
TOM: Ouch!
CROW: Hee hee.
MIKE: Very funny, Crow. [ tinkers some more ] Wrench?
[ Without a word, Tom grabs Crow's arm with his mouth, wrenches it off, and
gives it to Mike. ]
CROW: Yeow!
MIKE: Thanks. [ twists a screw ] Aack! [ drops Crow's arm ]
TOM: Hee hee.
MIKE: OK, guys, just stop it.
TOM: So what *is* this?!
MIKE: Well, I've been thinking about Davey C down there. Sounds like he's
going to try to take over the universe.
CROW: So?
MIKE: So we've got to stop him before he starts, and this machine will do just
that.
TOM: And you built this all on your own?
MIKE: Well, the nanites helped a little. They made the actual parts using
molecules from around the ship.
[ Crow suddenly falls down behind the counter with a CRACK sound. ]
CROW: Like from the floor, for example?
MIKE: Well, yeah.
TOM: So what's it do?
MIKE: First of all, it prevents--
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
ALL: DAVEY SIGN!!
MIKE: Darn it.
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 11
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Nowhere near heaven.
TOM: How long're ya gonna keep that up?
MIKE: As long as I can keep finding rhymes.
>
> Davey was somewhat disappointed when he saw that his hut appeared to be
> near completion.
TOM: [ Davey ] I wanna keep staying in Sonia's hut.
CROW: Suni.
TOM: Whatever.
> He really wanted to help in the construction. "Hey, my
> friend,"
CROW: Oh, and there's Davey too.
> Cadmen Coon
ALL: [ snicker ]
MIKE: Ah yes, David Gonterman, Lord of Freaky Weird Names.
TOM: Well, what do you expect from a "Gonterman"?
> said from the roof.
CROW: So is he a raccoon or a dog?
TOM: Huh?
CROW: "Roof".
MIKE: Oh.
> "It's no problem for us. You've
> been doin' more with your built-in 24-hour Internet Access than anything we
> can hack out by hand."
TOM: Of course, log-on time is horrendous!
> "Yeah," Bear added, who just leapt down from above, landing behind
> Davey. "Even with help."
CROW: [ Bear ] Boo.
> "YIIIIIIIII!!!!"
ALL: WAAAAAAAAAUGH!!
CROW: I didn't mean it!
MIKE: Geez, Davey, calm down!
> Davey jumped straight up ten feet.
TOM: Yeah, three inches at a time.
> "My oh my, David.
> You're kinda jumpy today. I've never expected you to have 'outsider moods'
CROW: He's in the outsider mood.
> this soon."
> Davey paused for breath.
TOM: [ loud gasping ]
> "Sorry, Bear. I'm just not used to working
[ pause ]
CROW: Oh, there's, ah, no period.
> with a team. I must confess to being a loner of sorts."
MIKE: [ Davey ] People scream and run when they see me approaching.
> "'Team?' Why Davey, the way these people welcome folks, you'll end up
TOM: [ Bear ] Dead within days!
> thinking they're family in a month. Where's Bunnie?"
CROW: Oh, she went to go kill her parents for screwing up royally naming her.
> "Good news, Bear," Mighty said. "The test on her was successful. She
> was at Rotor's when I went by . . ."
> "Successful? You mean?"
TOM: [ Mighty ] Yeah, I'm not sure either.
> "Come with me, son."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Oh my god! This fanfic's a flatliner!
>
> As Davey and Bear walked to Rotor's hut, they talked at length about
> Davey's social life on Earth.
BOTS: Or lack thereof.
> Or rather, the lack of one.
BOTS: Hey!
> "It seemed that
> I have been but
CROW: Yeah, he's been butt all right.
> on that mudball to piss of as many people as possible.
MIKE: Umm...
TOM: Hm.
> Sooner or later, I'll say something or do something that will offend
> somebody.
MIKE: It's like he's saying this for our benefit.
> I'm sure hat
MIKE: [ Davey ] Yes, my hat is very confident in itself.
> I'll get some of you Mobians mad at me eventually."
> "Well, piss off the right people; the
ALL: MSTies!!
> bad guys."
TOM: Same diff.
> "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, here. However, on my home world,
MIKE: [ Davey ] We consume mass quantities of peanut butter.
CROW: [ Davey ] Anyone different is shot.
TOM: [ Davey ] Socks are plentiful the world over!
> I keep trying to keep myself from losing what few friends I had.
> Unfortunately, that means keeping to myself, like
MIKE: Michael Jackson!
TOM: John Vandermeulen!
CROW: Who?
> those bears you've named
> after."
> "True. But in my years,
CROW: There are numbers.
> and believe me, they are plenty,
TOM: [ Bear ] Yep, I'm an old fart and I'm proud!
> I found out
> that even bears need other people every now and then, otherwise they just go
MIKE: [ Bear ] Slaughter a city or two.
> nuts. These are good people, these Freedom Fighters, and you are a
BOTS: Geek!
> much
> better person than you give yourself credit for.
TOM: Well, he'd have to be!
> They will become your
> family, David, if you would open up
MIKE: Ow! That'd be painful!
> and let them. I think you know that
> already, by what you're doing to Sonia."
ALL: EEEEEEWWW!!!
> "Hmm. I suppose."
TOM: 3x plus 7 could be equal to 6x minus 10!
> Bear put his paw on Davey's shoulder.
CROW: And attached it with a staple gun.
MIKE: <kachunk>
> "If you ever need someone to
> talk to, don't be afraid
MIKE: [ Bear ] To zark off!
> to see me, okay?" The two stopped by Rotor's hut.
> "Thanks, Bear."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Really boring paper dolls/stick figures.
>
> From a distance, Bunnie Buns,
CROW: Ack!
MIKE: Gag!
TOM: Barf!
> a.k.a. Bunnie Rabbot,
MIKE: Let's just stick with that, OK?
TOM: Please?
> looked as if she
> was never been roboticized,
CROW: [ laughing ] "Was never been roboticized"?!
> but as you looked real close,
CROW: [ laughing harder ] "As you looked real close"?!
> you will see the
CROW: [ nearly in hysterics ] "As you looked, you will see"??
TOM: [ megaphone ] This is the Grammar Police! We have your web site
surrounded! Come out with your word processor up! Resistance is really
irritating!
> hinges and pivot rings that are the tell-tale signs of
CROW: [ mostly recovered ] Years of bondage.
MIKE: Crow...
> roboticization, only
TOM: Painted purple!
> a lot more subtle.
MIKE, TOM: Unlike Crow!
CROW: Hey.
> She was frozen in a position where she was
CROW: Er... I think I'll just let that one slide.
> taking her
> pulse in her roboticized arm.
MIKE: Do robots have pulses?
CROW: I dunno. [ He holds out his arm. ]
MIKE: [ He takes Crow's arm. ] Hmm, nothing.
TOM: What about me?
MIKE: Er, how do you take the pulse of a spring?
> Her copiously crying eyes just stare blankly.
[ all in a monotone, quickly, one after another: ]
MIKE: I like melons.
CROW: Cheese is good.
TOM: String tastes funny.
MIKE: Hooray for socks.
TOM: I can do the splits.
CROW: Frogs smell bad.
> "She just found her pulse and froze like that," Rotor tried to explain
> while shaking
TOM: His booty.
CROW: [ pirate ] Arr arr arr!
> her. "I can't seem to wake her up."
> Bear and Davey glanced at each other.
BOTS: [ Bear, Davey ] What a moron.
> "She must be in shock."
MIKE: <bzzzzzzt>
TOM: [ babbles ]
> "Yeah,
> or by what I call it,
TOM: Syntho-Flavo-Shock!
MIKE: Don't forget the Five.
TOM: Oh, silly me.
> 'Systems Lock-Up.'" "You say that as if we can just
> re-boot her and she'll be fine."
CROW: Ooh, pick me! I'll boot her!
> "Sure thing, Bear. Here's how:"
CROW: You take two strawberry Pop-Tarts, put them in a toaster, get a heavy
glove...
> Davey grabbed an empty bucket, filled it up with water, and threw it at
> Bunnie. Splash!
MIKE: Clang!
TOM: Splat!
CROW: Crunch!
TOM: Kaboom!
CROW: Whack!
MIKE: Thunk!
CROW: <fart>
MIKE: Crow!!
> "Aaachk! Sppputtt! H-Hey! What the hoo-hah!?! Oooooh, Ah'm all wet!
> How'd ah . . . "
> "Bunnie, you're back."
> "What do ya mean, Ro--" She pointed with her left arm.
CROW: With her middle finger on that arm.
> "Oh, ah
> must've found mah pulse on this arm and . . .
MIKE: [ announcer voice ] Bunnie Rabbot has her thumb on the pulse of--well,
her arm. What'd you think?
CROW: I think Davey has some sort of blood fetish.
MIKE: Crow...
> ah must've drifted a mile
> away, Sugar."
TOM: That's "Sugah".
CROW: Tom, shut up.
> "I take it you couldn't find your pulse in that arm for quite a while,
> didn't you, Bunnie?"
MIKE: [ ominously ] Her arm fell asleep one day and *never* *woke* *up*.
CROW: Sounds like a tale someone's mother would tell.
> "Why sho', Davey Dear. It's been three years since Ah got chuck int'
> th' Roboticizer.
CROW: [ Bunnie ] An' let me tell ya, Chuck sure did squirm!
> Sonic shut that durn thang
ALL: [ singing ] Shake yer groove thang, shake yer groove thang, yeah yeah!
> off mid-way. Oh mah stars, if
> not for these small grooves, Ah'd think ah was
TOM: Elvis!
> cured!"
> "Why don't ya just say that you are
TOM: Elvis!
> cured, Bunnie?
MIKE: [ Bunnie ] Um, because I'm not?
CROW: David Gonterman. The Lord of Fanfic Self-Insertion, Angst, and Denial.
> That bio-genetic
> limbs you've got now is identical in nature to the body you were born with."
CROW: Except for the DSS remote surgically attached to your armpit.
> "Are you thinking what Ah'm thinking, Davey Dear?"