Original work by: Anonymous.
MiSTed by: Peter J Milan.
Created on: Wednesday, 01 October 1997.
Added on: Saturday, 02 February 2008.
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Rated 6.50 with standard deviation 0.96 on 6
evaluations.
This takes place around #805 or so. Or whenever they were hovering over the
Brain Observer planet. I don't really remember. So tired. So very tired.
[SOL. The fellas are in pajamas, lying in Craftmatic beds.]
MIKE: Hi everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Sorry for the lack of
wacky antics this time around; see, it turns out we've all got mono.
No more of that for us.
CROW: Yep, we'll just have to lounge around in bed reading comics and
watching _quality_ programming.
TOM: Like Robocop and the Flash!
MIKE: Whatever turns you on, son. Uh-oh--somebody's knockin', should I let
'em in?
[Planet of the Observers. Those Observer types are milling about while
Pearl and Bobo try to get a look at what's going on.]
OBSERVER #1: What do you think you're doing? Stop that at once!
OBSERVER #2: You've got an experiment to take care of!
PEARL: You rotten little cheats, you don't have--MOVE IT!--you don't
have
mono! You think Clayton never tried that on me? I made him
walk it
off! Sure, it turned out he really did have mono and had to be
placed in an iron lung for a year or two, but--
[SOL. Mike sips coconut milk from a coconut. (Well, where else do you get
coconut milk from?)]
MIKE: Nope.
TOM: Sorry.
CROW: Mono. Ask Doctor Gypsy.
MIKE: Doctor Gypsy?
[Gypsy comes out wearing a lab coat and stethoscope.]
GYPSY: These boys need bed rest. Matter of fact--oh no! So do I!
Well,
except for piloting the ship and stuff...
MAGIC VOICE: *cough cough* I think I need to lie down too.
[Planet of the Observers.]
OBSERVER #1: Well, you're cured. We just cured you with our fantastic
mental
powers. Now get up.
OBSERVER #2: You need to eradicate spam.
[SOL. The guys get out of bed, grumbling.]
CROW: All right, all right, we'll get up for spam. But after that, we're
going
back to the mono plan!
TOM: What kinda spam we talkin' about here?
[Planet of the Observers]
OBSERVER #2: It appears to be some form of instructional spam. How to spam
at
home, I suppose. It's called "Don't Bug Out."
[SOL]
ALL: SPAM SIGN!!!!!
[Bone...6...5...4...3...2...1]
CROW: Wheeee DOGGIES! Spam on a Ritz!
>This is interesting:
TOM: We'll be the judge of that.
>A little while back, I was browsing these news groups, just like you
>are now,
CROW: Except, of course, you're probably not nude.
>and came across an article similar to this that said you
>could make thousands of dollars within weeks with only an initial
>investment of $5.00!
MIKE: It was posted by a low-rent con man similar to me!
>So I thought, "Yeah, right, this must be a
>scam!"
CROW: And you were right, weren't you?
>as most people probably thought.
TOM: Actually, most people think "What an obvious piece of spam. Think
I'll e-mail my sysop..."
>But also like most people I
>was curious, so I kept reading.
MIKE: Dear Wired, I am a student at a small Midwestern college. Nothing
like
this has ever happened to me before...
>Anyway, it said that you send $1.00 to
>each of the 5 names and address stated in the article.
CROW: Remember, when you receive the pictures, make sure you keep them in a
safe
place where the law can't find them.
>You then place
MIKE: Your left foot in...
TOM: You take your left foot out...
CROW: You place your left foot in...
ALL: And you shake it all about!
>your own name and address in the list at #5, remove the #1 person,
>and move everyone up a position, and post the article in at least 200
>news groups. (There are more than 18,000 of them). No catch, that was
>it.
TOM: Then make sure you've got room on your hard drive for all the
Project:
Gutenberg files your new pals will send you.
CROW: The Order of St. Doomas will get them in the end.
MIKE: Huh?
>So after thinking it over, and talking to a few people first, I
>thought about trying it.
TOM: Please discuss spamming with your priest first. It's a big step.
>I figured what do I have to lose except 5
>stamps, envelopes, sheets of paper and $5.00, right?
MIKE: Besides your dignity and self-respect?
TOM: Any regard your fellow human beings might have for you?
CROW: The knowledge that you're a man?
>Like most of us I was still a little skeptical and a little worried
>about the legal aspects of it all.
CROW: Then I remembered what country I lived in and blew that off.
>So I checked it out with the US.
MIKE: And Jann Wenner said it was OK!
>Post Office (1-800-725-2161) and they confirmed that it is indeed
>legal.
TOM: Completely immoral, but legal.
>Then I invested the measly $5.00..................
CROW: Fine! FINE! HERE'S YER STINKIN' FIVE BUCKS!
>Well GUESS WHAT!!!.. .
ALL: WHAT?! WHAT?!
TOM: The raw SUSPENSE!
>Within 7 days, I started getting money in the mail!
MIKE: The life of a Senator.
>I was shocked! I still figured it to end soon, and didn't
>give it another thought.
CROW: Have you ever given anything _any_ thought?
>But the money just kept coming in.
TOM: (sings) And the money kept rolling in from every side...Eva's pretty
hands
reached out and they reached wide...
MIKE: Okay, "Che."
>In my first
>week, I made about $20.00 to $30.00.
CROW: Who knew my sperm would be worth so much?
>By the end of the second week I
>had made a total of just over $ 1,000.00!!!
MIKE: That kidney was the best investment I ever made!
>In the third week I had
>over $5,000.00 and it was still growing. This is now my fourth week
>and I have made a total of just over $20,000.00 and it's still coming
>in......
TOM: Wait a second!! This dimwit actually expects us to believe that after
netting twenty grand on this hopeless black fantasy, he's going to
just turn around and share the secret of his success with the rest of
humanity because he's a NICE GUY?!
MIKE: You okay, Tom?
CROW: Actually, this is how Barings Bank fell.
>It's certainly worth the $5.00 and 5 stamps. I spent more than that
>in one week on the lottery!!!
CROW: And twice that on whores!
MIKE: Crow!
>Let me tell you how this works and most importantly, why it works...
TOM: Because I believe everyone is just as braindead as me.
>also, make sure you print a copy of this article NOW, so you can get
>the information off of it as you need it.
MIKE: Out now..."Spam for Dummies!"
TOM: By Dummies.
>The process is very simple
>and consists of 3 easy steps:
TOM: Stop, drop and roll.
>STEP 1: Get 5 seperate pieces of paper and write the following on each
CROW: "This is a robbery. Give me all your money."
MIKE: "Will work for food."
TOM: "By the time you read this..." Hey guys, how do you spell "suicide?"
>piece of paper, "PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST." Now get 5 $1.00
MIKE: Mailing list? What mailing list?
>bills and place ONE inside EACH of the 5 pieces of paper so the bill
>will not be seen through the envelopes to prevent thievery (THIS STEP
>IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!). Next, place one paper in each of the 5
>envelopes and seal them.
CROW: Watch the lady, keep your eye on the lady...
>You should now have 5 sealed envelopes, each
>with a piece of paper stating the above phrase and a $1.00 bill
>inside.
MIKE: I still don't get the mailing list thing...
TOM: Don't try to understand, Mike.
>What you are doing is creating a service by this. THIS IS
>PERFECTLY LEGAL!
MIKE: But it doesn't make any SENSE!
>Mail the 5 envelopes to the following addresses:
TOM: "The 5 Envelopes." The sequel to "The 6 Messiahs" and "The List of
7."
>1) B. Yorkshire
> RR5 Box 392
> Gothenburg, PA 18252
> USA
CROW: "Gothenburg?" Must be some very depressed teens there...
>2) B. Cast
> 1825 W. Crest
>Arlington, TX 76013
> USA
MIKE: But you can call him "Broad."
>3) L. Urigg
> 501-1212 Hill St.
> Vancouver, BC K9C-1X2
> CANADA
TOM: In those days did the troll Urigg supremely vex Thor, God of
Thunder...
>4) A. Bole
> 3008 W.Hampton Rd. 102
> Huntville, IN 46052-1052
> USA
CROW: Okay, I'm guessing that _this_ is the guy who posted this piece of
spam.
>5) T. Stevens
> 1708 Tulip Dr.
> Arlington, Texas 76013
> USA
MIKE: I dunno..."T. Stevens" seems pretty likely. Do you know, Tom?
TOM: I'm not a rat, Agent Kujan!
>STEP 2: NOW take the #1 name off the list that you see above, move
>the other names up (5 becomes 4, 4 becomes 3, etc...) and add YOUR
>NAME as #5 on the bottom of the list.
ALL: Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
>STEP 3: Change anything you need to, but try to keep this article as
>close to original as posible. Now, post you amended article to at
>least 250 news groups. All you need is 250, but remember the more you
>post, the more money you make!
CROW: And this is _legal_.
TOM: Technically, yes.
>Don't know HOW to post in the news
>groups? Well do exactly the following:
MIKE: But if you post...then you can't send money and...huh?!
TOM: Economics a bit much for you, Mike?
>FOR NETSCAPE USERS,
CROW: Just forget it and head over to Yahoo!
>1) Click on any new group, like normal. Then click on "To:News",
>which is in the top left corner of the news group page. This will
>bring up a message box.
TOM: And the message is "BEWARE".
>2) Fill in the SUBJECT with a flashy title, like the one I used,
>something to catch the eye!!!!
CROW: Something like "HOT SWEATY NAKED CHIX!!!"
MIKE: Or "XXXXX PAMELA ANDERSON BINARIEZ XXXXX!"
TOM: Or "WATCH MARRISSA DIE SLOWLY!"
CROW: Where? Where?
>3) Now go to the message part of the box a retype this letter exactly
>as it is here, with the exception of your few changes. ( remember to
>add your name to #5 and move the rest up.)
MIKE: And be sure to include the section about how the whole thing is a
scam.
The kids love that.
>4)When you're done typing in the WHOLE letter, click on "FILE" above
>the send button. Then, "SAVE AS..." DO NOT SEND YOUR ARTICLE UNTIL
>YOU SAVE IT!!! (so you don't have to retype this 250 times!)
TOM: Hey, a little writer's cramp is the price of success.
>5) Now that you have saved the letter, go ahead and send your first
>copy! (click the "SEND" button in the top left corner)
CROW: Try sending one ot your sysop first, see what he thinks.
>6) This is where you post all 250! OK, go to ANY news group article
>and click the "TO:NEWS" button again. Type in your flashy subject in
>the "SUBJECT BOX", then to the the message and place your cursor here.
>Now click on "ATTACHMENT" which is right below the 'SUBJECT BOX".
>Click on attach file then find your letter wherever you saved it.
>Click once on your file then click "OPEN" then click "OK". If you did
>this right, you should see your filename in the "ATTACHMENT BOX" and
>it will be shaded.
MIKE: Should it say "Hard disk deleted?"
>NOW POST AWAY!!!
CROW: FIRE IN THE HOLE! POST AWAY!
>IF YOU'RE USING INTERNET EXPLORER:
TOM: Give that crap up and get yourself some Netscape!
>It's just as easy, holding down the left mouse button, highlight this
>entire article, then press the "CTRL" key and "C" key at the same
>time to copy this article. Then print the article for your records to
>have the names of those you will be sending $1.00 to.
CROW: INFIDEL! KNOW THAT MEN CALL YOU SPHAMMER!
MIKE: The hell's that supposed to be?
CROW: I'll explain later.
>NEXT
>Go to the news groups and press "POST AN ARTICLE" type in your flashy
>subject and click the large window below. Press "CTRL" and "V" and
>the article will appear in the message window.
TOM: This will reveal you to the authorities and make the case against you
stick.
>***BE SURE TO MAKE YOUR
>ADDRESS CHANGES TO THE 5 NAMES!!***
CROW: OR FACE LEADEN DEATH!
>Now re-highlight the article and
>re-copy it so you have the changes...then all you have to do for each
>news group is "CTRL"and "V" and press "POST". It's that easy!!
MIKE: Spam? You're SOAKING in it!
>THAT'S IT!
TOM: Oh, THAT'S IT, ALICE! BANG! ZOOM!
>All you have to do is jump to different news groups and
>post away, after you get the hang of it,
CROW: Or after Torquemada hangs you...
>it will take about 30 seconds
>for each news group!
TOM: Twenty seconds longer than your girlfriend's used to, eh, pal?
MIKE: Tom, that's cruel. This guy doesn't have a girlfriend.
>***REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWS GROUPS YOU POST IN,
>THE MORE MONEY YOU WILL MAKE!! BUT YOU HAVE TO POST A MINIMUM OF
>250***
MIKE: Or what, you miss quota? The union comes down on you?
TOM: That seems to be all. Let's went, gents.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...Bone}
{SOL. Everyone stands around.]
MIKE: So Crow, you wanna explain to me what the deal was with all that
"Torquemada" and "St. Doomas" stuff back there?
TOM: Yeah. Sounded suspiciously fanboyish.
CROW: Well, fellas, over on rec.arts.comics.creative, there's a group
called
the Order of St. Doomas. Patterned after the "Order of St. Dumas"
from Batman: Sword of Azrael, these guys basically patrol the border,
finding spammers and making short work of them.
MIKE: How?
CROW: Basically by lighting them on fire.
TOM: Oh, come on, that's the most ridiculous thing--
GYPSY: Hey, something's coming in on the Hexfield Viewscreen!
[On the Hexfield appears BAZRAEL--a fellow in a close approximation of the
Azrael-as-Batman suit, except it's blue and gold.]
CROW: Hey! It's Bazrael! What's up, man?
MIKE, TOM & GYPSY: "Bazrael?"
BAZRAEL: Have you some problem with my name, infidel?
MIKE: Uh, no, not at all, big guy.
GYPSY: Shiny!
TOM: So what's up, tin man?
BAZRAEL: I seek the defilers who have perpetrated the hideous "spam" upon
this newsgroup. KNOW THAT MEN CALL THEM INFIDELS! KNOW THAT MEN
CALL THEM SPAMMERS!
CROW: Well, we'd love to help, Baz, but this guy didn't sign his name.
BAZRAEL: Damn. Are there any other spammers in the vicinity?
MIKE: Funny you should ask...
[Planet of the Observers]
[BOBO types into a computer.]
BOBO: ...Professor...Bobo...1313 Mockingbird Lane...Planet of the
Observers.
Now to rake in the cash!
[SMASH! OBSERVER #1 rushes in.]
OBSERVER #1: There's a large blue and gold gentleman here to see the
"simian
spammer." I thought of you.
BOBO: Huh? Me? No no. You want the Lawgiver. I've often seen her eating
spam.
[BAZRAEL comes clunking by, knocking BOBO to the floor and walking off.]
PEARL: (Off) The hell?! Hey, nice suit! Shiny! What are you doing with that
blade?
[Fade out.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Bazrael is the property of Matt "Badger" Rossi. Check out a picture at
http://www.eyrie.org/~badger.
Pete MilanT "It all goes back to something my
Inspired Weirdness ProductionsT grandmother told me when I was a
tick@eyrie.orgT kid. 'Holden,' she said, 'The big
Feel free to check out mein webT bucks are in dick and fart jokes.'
page at T She was a big church-goer."
http://www.eyrie.org/~tick if youT--Kevin Smith, _Chasing Amy_
really feel like you have to.T
Fair warning, it's underT "How's your life?"
construction and causes polyps.T "In progress."
Enjoy it anyway!T--_Grosse Pointe Blank_
>So I thought, "Yeah, right, this must be a
>scam!"
The End.
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