Ensign Stephens.

Tom: Man, I don't *believe* this!

Crow: It is kind of disheartening, isn't it?

Tom: It's a shocking indicator of a lack of taste on the public's
part, that's what it is!

Mike: Buck up, Servo, maybe it'll get better. [notices Cambot] Oh, hi,
everyone. Mike Nelson here on the old Satellite of Love. If, uh,
if you're wondering what's going on here...

Tom: As if you all didn't know! PHILISTINES!!!

Crow: That's not gonna help your case, Tom.

Tom: *hmph!*

Mike: Anyway, Tom Servo, in his ever-widening quest for self-validation,
set up a website for the general public to judge and vote on his
presumed, um, bottitude.

Crow: Yeah, and he called it (get this) www.amibotornot.com - and to make
it look legit, he tossed a bunch of other artificial lifeforms on the
site for the public to vote on.

Mike: And now - well...

Tom: [outraged] Oh, come on!!! I'm trailing *IRONA*?!?

Mike: Let's just say he's not scoring as high as he'd like.

Crow: Look on the bright side, Tom, at least you're in the top half.

Tom: Crow, I'm tied for 57th out of 125, and I've got an average score of 7.01
out of 10 - that's hardly cause for joy!

Mike: Who're you tied with?

Tom: I'm - it's - I-I-I don't wanna say.

Crow: C'mon, Servo....

Tom: [pauses] I'm tied with H.E.R.B.I.E., okay?!?

Mike: Herbie the Love Bug? I dunno, he seems nice enough.

Tom: No, Mike, I mean H.E.R.B.I.E., that annoying little twerp from the old
"Fantastic Four" cartoon!

Mike & Crow: Ouch!

Tom: To make matters worse, we're just below Hymie, the dimbulb robot agent on
"Get Smart", and just above that talking metal skull thingy from "Lexx".

Crow: Aw, don't worry too much, Tommy - I mean, internet polls aren't exactly
known for their scientifical-type accuracy, y'know.

Mike: Yeah, I mean, if they were, "Time" magazine would've had to made that
pro wrestling guy their Man of the Year, remember?

Tom: *sigh* Yeah, maybe you're right. It's just discouraging, is all.

Mike: Hey, out of curiosity, who's leading this poll of yours?

Tom: I dunno. Let's take a look. [click mouse] Let's see... huh. It
looks like Gypsy's in first place.

Mike: Well, you can't argue with that.

Tom: I guess not. Let's see, number two is Data, followed by the Cyberdyne
T-800, Artoo-Deetoo, then Robot from "Lost In Space" - oh, like *that's*
a shock!

Crow: Yeah, What a brown-noser!

Tom: Then we got the girlbot from "Metropolis", and - what?!? No! No, no,
*no*!! I refuse to accept this!

Mike: What? What is it?!?

Crow: Heeeeeey! Guess who's ranked # 7, heh heh heh!

Mike: Really? Congrats, Crow.

Crow: Yep, I got a 9.62 rating - even beat out C-3P0!

Mike: Oh, and look, right under Bishop - there's Cambot at # 10!

Tom: [incoherent sputters]

Mike: Way to go, Cambot! [Cambot nods up and down]

Tom: This is an outrage! A travesty! I demand an investigation!!! Call in
the FBI!! Alert the CIA! Release the hounds! [lights flash]

Mike: It'll have to wait, Servo - Holmes & Yoyo are buzzing! [hits button]

[DEEP 13 - Dr. Forrester is dominating the screen]

Dr.F: Ah, hello, Mumbly-Pants! Sorry to interrupt Tom's latest bout of self-
aggrandizement, but it's almost time for your experiment. But before
we start, a little something extra. Seems Frank's taken up a new hobby.
[muttering] Thank goodness he's finally given up raising chinchillas in
the bathtub! [To screen] Anywho, to this end, our bright young lad has
asked for a few moments to demonstrate his new-found talent, and since
he needs the encouragement - and since your time is, de facto, *my*
time - I've decided to indulge him. So, without further ado, I give

you - the Great Frankarelli!

[Frank comes out, wearing his usual black D13 outfit, along with a silk
top hat and a cape with a red velvet lining. He's carrying various stage
magician's implements on a small table with a green finged cloth]

Frank: Thank you, thank you, good evening, ladies & gentlemen! I, the
Great Frankarelli, will astound and amaze you with outstanding feats
of legerdemain and prestidigitation, the likes of which you've never
seen. Now for my first trick, I need a volunteer. Can I get a
volunteer from the audience. please?

[SoL]

Crow: [whispering] Go on!

Mike: [whispering] Me?

Tom: [whispering] Yeah, g'wan!

Mike: [raising hand] Uh, okay, sure, I'll volunteer.

[D13]

Frank: Thank you, sir. Now have we ever met before?

[SoL]

Mike: Well heck, yeah, plenty of times, Frank.

[D13]

Frank: [whispering] Um, I think you're supposed to say 'No'.

[SoL]

Mike: Ah - okay, uh, no. No, we've never met.

[D13]

Frank: Very good. [picks up a deck of cards] Now, without looking, I'm going
to randomly select a card from this deck and show it to you. Whatever
you do, *don't* tell me what it is. [Frank closes his eyes, reaches
into the deck and pulls out the Ten of Clubs, which he puts in front of
the camera] Got it?

[SoL]

Mike: Got it.

[D13]

Frank: Okay, now remember that card - I'm going to put it back in the deck
[he does], and now I'm going to shuffle the cards. [Frank makes a
couple of attempts to shuffle, but it ain't happening] Heh, hold on
just a second folks, and I'll, heh, that is, here we - [the cards
explode into a 52-pick-up] Just, heh, just a minute and I - I -

Dr.F: [OS] Get *on* with it, Frank!

Frank: I'm trying, but they're all, I mean, they, uhh...

Dr.F: [OS] Just open another deck, for crying out loud!!

Frank: Oh, okay. [Opens a brand new pack of cards] Okay, sir... [he pulls
out a card - the Three of Hearts - and holds it up] is *this* your card?

[SoL]

Mike: Um, actually - no, it isn't.

[D13]

Frank: [confused] Oh, well, um, is *this* your card? [Hold up the Jack of
Diamonds]

[SoL]

Crow: Uh-oh.

Mike: Nope.

[D13]

Frank: [bewildered] Is *this* your card? [Now it's the Ace of Spades]

[SoL]

Tom: He's losing it.

Mike: Look, Frank, why not try something a little simpler, y'know?

[D13]

Frank: [completely panicked] Is - is this *a* card?!? [Holds up a
turkey drumstick]

Dr.F: *Frank!* [pushes Frank aside] Go brush up on your power of
illusion, Doug Henning! [turns to screen] As for *you*, I'm sending
you a particularly confusing little story today! It's entitled
"Ensign Stephens", and it's a crossover between "Star Trek Voyager"
and "Bewitched", with enough plot twists and freaky details to make
even Brannon Braga throw up his hands and surrender! Pull *this* out
of a hat, Nelsdini!

[SoL - Lights flash and buzzer sounds]

ALL: AHHHHHH!!! WE GOT CROSSOVER SIGN!!!!

[Chaos, doors, etc.]

[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O

[All enter]

Crow: Hey, who came in last in your poll, Tom?

Tom: That Green Goblin truck from "Maximum Overdrive".

Tom: I bet he's very finicky about what he writes.

Mike: I just hope he hasn't written enough for 9 lives already.

Crow: "Voyager 1/2" - whenever Paris gets doused with cold water,
he turns into Tomasina, the cute, pig-tailed ensign!

Tom: Which causes Harry to say, "Gee."

Mike: Order now and save up to 45% off the newsstand price.

Mike: Web TV's local host?

Crow: Yeah, you know, that guy on channel 51 who interviewed Steve Case?

Tom: o/~ We're so sorry - Ensign Stephens.
We're so sorry that you're about to cause us pain! o/~

Crow: That word always sends a chill down my spine.

Mike: You don't have a spine.

Crow: Well, thanks a load for spoiling my imagery, Captain Literal! Sheesh!

Crow: And how could she tell?

Mike: Oh, a wise guy, eh? Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Tom: And now, once again - the title.

Mike: They were being pounded by "The West Wing" on one side and "Drew
Carey" on the other.

Tom: The "Sensors Are For Wimps" program proves to be a dismal failure.

Mike: He was actually doing something useful instead of letting Wonderborg
save the day?

Crow: Tsk! Harry picked a bad time to visit the Jeri Ryan Bikini Website!

Bots: [B&B] Heheheheh. Fire! Huh huh huh huh! Fire! Fire!

Mike: But she still wouldn't give him a second helping of gruel.

Tom: Just press random buttons. It always seems to work for Tom. And
Dax. And Data. And Sulu.

Mike: His career in personnel management was over.

Tom: "Ensign Whothehellarryu" - First cousin to Bob Wehoddababyeetzaboy.

Crow: David Bowie - the latter years.

Mike: [Alien] This? Hey, sorry, but *all* our communicators look like
cannonballs with smoking fuses!

Tom: They've stumbled across a race of Dubyas!

Crow: [Stephens] Sit and spin, ya lousy Reticulii!

Mike: Or else I'm not Kid [claps hands] DY-NO-MIIITE!!!

Crow: Badda-bing!

Tom: Special appearance by Vic Fontaine!

Crow: [Stephens] Geez, what *is* this stuff? Even Lava doesn't wash it
off!

Tom: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!

Mike: [rubbing his ear] Warn a guy next time you're gonna do that!

Mike: [Janeway] You there, new guy, whaddayathink? Hair, bun or
shoulder-length?!

Mike: [Janeway] Could he be some ultrapowerful alien or -

Tom: [Chakotay] Nope. Magic.

Mike: [Janeway] What about a holographic projection?

Tom: [Chakotay] Uh-uh. Magic.

Mike: [Janeway] Or maybe it's some trick of Q's to...

Tom: [Chakotay] Look, just go with the magic thing!

Crow: Julian Sands?

All: Rowwwwr! Fsst! Fsst!

Tom: Never had it, never will! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Crow: He keeps it *where*?

Mike: Probably in his wallet, right where his dignity used to be.

Mike: [Janeway] You're on UPN.

Tom: [Stephens] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Crow: [Janeway] And you'll get it, too!

Mike: [Janeway] Four: On This Ship, I And I Alone Get To Capitalize All
My Words!

Crow: Or "Mrs. Columbo", for short.

Crow: The situation was more confusing than Janeway, but nowhere near as
irritating as Janeway, so it all evens out.

Tom: [Darrin] I mean, first I'm Dick York, then I'm Dick Sargent - it's just
so frustrating!

Crow: [Bugs Bunny] I know, I know, but aren't they *all* at heart?

Tom: BA-DAH-DADUMMM-DAD- oh, wait, that's wrong.

Crow: [Darren] It involved a yak, a pint of sour cream and Spiro Agnew.

Mike: [Janeway] Windex *really* got the main viewscreen nice and clean!

Tom: She's a Wiccan?

Mike: Um, guys? Let's not go there.

Crow: You're not scared of 'em, are ya, Mikey?

Mike: No, but you're coming close to a mental image of Agnes Moorehead
dancing around a tree naked, and no one wants that.
[All shudder]

Crow: It didn't involve her or the Prime Directive, and was thus
devoid of any interest to her.

Mike: [Janeway] You'll find "Galaga" and "Qix" in the mess hall. Enjoy.

Tom: Hey, he's an anime character!

Mike: I swear I will not rest until my mother-in-law's spell has been avenged!

Tom: [Russian] Nyet! Nyet! No Russkva! Now, please to be showing to
us your nuclear wessels, da?

Tom: Looks like Janeway's anime too!

Crow: SAILOR VOYAGER PULSED PHASER POWER!!!

Crow: 1783! No, 42 BC! Nonono, 2525! Uh, uh, PASS! PASS!

Tom: And it's forsaken.

Mike: [Darrin] Aaaaah! Giant mutant woodchucks!

Crow: [Neelix] Today is "No Stardate Day" here at Neelix Central!

Crow: 125 folks crammed together on one ship, stuck thousands of light years
from home, supplies dwindling, tempers flaring, hope diminishing - but
there's nothing happening *at all*!

Mike: He just dropped in to conveniently advance the plot.

Tom: Well, it's more than he usually gets to do.

Mike: True.

Tom: *Ahem!*

Mike: This portion of our story rated NC-17.

Crow: Oooh, maybe she'll do it physically too!

Mike: Hey, who said that?

Tom: It was the ghost of Ronald Reagan! "Wellllllllllllllll... Therrrrre
youuuu gooooo Agaaaaaain!"

Crow: No news to report from Connecticut. Bye.

Mike: [Tabitha] Come on! Talk! Where were you on the night of
Stardate 51242.6?!?

Tom: Hey! You can't prove anything!

Tom: [Tabitha] You got sent to bed without dessert?

Mike: [Tom] *I'm* your daddy now!

Tom: [Tabitha] The milkman. Daddy doesn't like that picture, for some reason.

Crow: [Tabitha] He's played by Alan Alda.

Crow: OUCH! Riffback almost took out my eye!

Mike: Wait, "M*A*S*H" was in Korea, not Vietnam.

Tom: It's probably just a tip of the hat or something.

Crow: Then he remembered to take the duct tape off his nose.

Tom: Okay, wait, I'm confused. These *are* the characters from "M*A*S*H"?
And they're married now?!

Crow: And - what, somehow *related* to the Stephenses?!?

Mike: I don't see how - unless maybe Darren and Hawkeye were separated at
birth, or Margaret's a witch on her cousin's side or something.

Crow: [Frank Gorshin] Hoohoohoohoo! Riddle me this, Caped Crusaders!

Mike: No, it's about Voyager. Go back and read the headers, kid.

Tom: He forgot the most important rule of breathing - "inhale".

Mike: [Tom] I mean, Ira Behr's still in Grade School!

Tom: [Sam] I don't know why I even bought her a cell phone in the first
place - she never turns the stupid thing on!

Crow: Ummmmm, fellas, did we miss a few very special episodes of "DS9"
somewhere? Or "M*A*S*H"? Or "Bewitched", for that matter?

Mike: I don't...

Tom: *gasp!* The sign of La Muerta!

Crow: [Pacino] Mr. Paris, you're nothing to me now. I don't want to know
you or what you do.

Mike: [Tabitha] And Can She Capitalize Like Me? Huh? Well, Can She?

Tom: [Paris] Look, stop impersonating the Captain, you're freaking me out!

Tom: [Tom] Otherwise, she'll go postal on me with her b'atleth, y'know?

Tom: Mister Spoo?

Crow: Mister Spore?

Mike: Mister Spottsylvania Woods?

Crow: Tabitha's drinking was finally out of control.

Crow: [Tabitha] Boy, wait till I grow up and marry a country singer - that'll
show her!

Tom: What? Wait! We don't...

Crow: Slow down! You're not making...

Mike: Who?!? Where?!? This is...

Crow: That's like saying Antarctica is a bit nippy!

Tom: [Sam] It's mostly okay, but that whole Prime Directive thing is a drag!
Oh, and there are these guys, Berman and Braga, you gotta look out for.

Tom: Okay, wait, hold it, TIME!! Does someone wanna take a step back and
explain the set-up here?

Mike: I'm not even sure that's possible.

Crow: Mass Hallucination?

Tom: More like M*A*S*H Hallucination!

Crow: [Samantha] ...and a Rabbi all walk into a bar, see?

Tom: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

Mike: "Hi, my employee's missing, and you were found near the scene, so
you're the logical person to take over for him."

Crow: Gee, with that kind of business instincts, no wonder he's made his
way into upper management!

Mike: [muttering] I buried Darrin.

Tom: [Samantha] Oh, you mean like Mr. Kravitz's Uncle Pelgar?

Mike: [Tom] I saw this thing called "UPN"! It was - it was horrible!

Crow: [Sam] Of course, I've got tons of relatives who think nothing of
materializing unicorns in full view, and changing everyone in the
neighborhood into komodo dragons, so it's really all kinda futile,
but still...

Mike: [Announcer] It's our 200th "Galactica" Chain Reaction of the month!
C'mon! It's Sci-Fi! Love it!

Tom: o/~ I want my MmmmTV! o/~

Crow: [Kim] Beltran can't act for crap.

Tom: [Tuvok] Indeed, Captain. We recommend you toss him and his weird,
doughy, tattooed face out the airlock.

Tom: [Tuvok] Or turn him into a toad. Whatever.

Mike: [Janeway] Sit down, Mr. Stephens! You should have thought of that
before we left the bridge!

Crow: Do they *have* that long?

Mike: Yeah, Endora's still carrying grudges against the Medes and Persians.

Crow: So remember - production, not conservation!

Tom: [Tuvok] After all, we are the Federation, and we are God.

Mike: Which, according to Meyers-Briggs. is ENTJ.

Crow: They also stood *out* at their posts, if you get my drift!

Tom: Extending Ellipsis!

Mike: Triggering Treknobabble!

Crow: Alienating Audience!

Crow: Brian DiPalma's Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds II - The Hummingbirds"!

Mike: That pigeon finally got revenge for the garden hose incident.

Crow: Tom has trouble swallowing vitamins.

Tom: [Tom] Say, can I borrow $50 for antimatter?

Crow: Eventually.

Mike: He had to think about it.

Tom: Good. He *ought* to think about it before he does it again!

Mike: Strom Thurmond?

Tom: C'mon, let's take a hike.
[All leave]

O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]

[SOL - Mike is rummaging through a refrigerator. Crow & Tom
are reading an old TV guide with Elizabeth Montgomery on the cover.]

Tom: Boy, just think about it - magic powers.

Crow: Yeah, that's be super keen-o neat!

Tom: I tell ya, if *I* had magic powers, *I'd* fill my room with the art
treasures of the world!

Crow: Well, *I'd* make myself Master of all Space and Time!

Mike: [Pulls an empty jar out of the fridge] *I'd* make a jar of mayo that
couldn't be emptied.

Crow: Kinda pedestrian, doncha think?

Mike: What's pedestrian is that *someone* keeps putting a jar with, like,
five mayonnaise molecules back in the fridge and doesn't open a new
one. Just once, I wish I could come in here and find a full, cold jar
waiting for me!

[There's a *zing* sound effect (sort of like what you hear when Samantha does
her thing), and suddenly Mike is holding a completely full mayo jar]

Mike: The hey?!?

Crow: See? Problem solved. Now can we get back to- AAAAAH!!! HE'S A
WIZARD!!!

Tom: Back! Back, foul spirit, to whatever netherworld spawned you!

Female Voice: Oh, calm down, willya? He didn't do that - *I* did!

All: Huh?

[Suddenly, a woman appears at the console, holding her index finger on her
nose. She's youngish, perky, and played by Bridget Jones in a blonde wig]

Girl: Hi! It's me.

[pause]

Girl: Me - *Tabitha*!

All: *Tabitha*?!?

Crow: You mean, Tabitha *Stephens* - Sam & Darrin's Tabitha?

Tabitha: One and the same.

Mike: Wow! Well, it's great to have you up here, Tabitha!

Tabitha: Thanks, I was just flying by and spotted your little hideaway
orbiting up here - hope I didn't come at a bad time.

Crow: Nah, nah, in fact, we were just reading a story about you.

Tom: Yeah, the one where you met the Voyager crew?

Tabitha: Oh, yeah. *sigh* Boy, that was one long, strange time ago.

Tom: Say, you ever look up Tom Paris since then, heh heh?

Tabitha: [angry] Do *NOT* mention that man's name around me, you little
fireplug! [she reaches up and twitches her nose with her finger,
and suddenly Tom is a big metal toy cement mixer]

Crow: Woah!

Mike: Uh, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, Tabitha.

Tabitha: *sigh* Yeah, I know. [She repeats the gesture and Tom changes
back to normal]

Tom: [shaking head] Eiyeiyeih!

Crow: You okay?

Tom: I think so, except - I have this weird urge to mix oatmeal in my dome!

Tabitha: Look, I'm sorry about that, but - well, I just popped in to the 24th
century to see Tom, and I found out that instead of *waiting* for me,
he up and married that Klingon hussy!! I guess I'm still a little hurt.

Crow: You didn't turn her into a llama or anything, did you?

Tabitha: Nah, she was preggers, and I didn't wanna hurt the baby - but let's
see her explain to the kid why daddy is only 2 inches tall!

Mike: Huh. So, what've you been doing lately? Well, besides tracking down
To- [she glares at him], uh, whatsisname, I mean!

Crow: Yeah, I know they had a show about you for a while, but, uh...

Tabitha: [rolls eyes] Ohmigod, I thought *everyone* had forgotten about that!
Look, whatever you saw there, just forget about it, okay?!?

Mike: Not true to life, huh?

Tom: Yeah, no man, no job, no -

Tabitha: [Angry] Hey, you wanna go back to being a toybot?!

Tom: *Eep!*

Tabitha: [Calmer] Ooh, sorry, again. You just kinda touched a nerve - it's
not just Tom Paris, either - it seems like *every* guy I meet always
winds up running off with an alien or something. As for a job - I
mean, I *tried* to get one once - I applied to be magic consultant for
that "Sabrina" show.

Mike: Wow, you shoulda been a shoe-in for that!

Tabitha: Yeah, but I lost out to some sleepy-looking guy with a lot of props.

Tom: Bummer!

Tabitha: [shrugs] Maybe it's for the best. I guess I'm just not ready for the
old 9-to-5 routine yet. Besides, I gotta confess - I like tooling
around the universe and being a party witch.

Crow: Ah, you take more after cousin Serena than your mom, huh?

Tabitha: Oh, don't get me wrong, I love my folks, and they're a great example,
but I think I want to live it up for a few decades before I settle down
and get a job and marry and all that stuff.

Mike: I understand. I was the same way when I went off to community college.

Crow: Hah!

Mike: I was!

Crow: Yeah, that's why you moved back home a week later when you ran out of
clean shorts!

Mike: First, I still had *two* clean pair, and - look, never mind that now.
Listen, Tabitha, we're being held captive up here by a mad scientist -
do you think you could magic us back down to Earth?

Tabitha: Oh, hey, sure, no problem!

Mike: Great! Oh, hey, before you do, maybe you could answer one little
question that's been bugging us - what was the deal with the whole
"Uncle Hawkeye" thing, anyway?

Bots: Yeah, what was, huh, etc?

Tabitha: That? Oh, well, it's really simple. You see, when - hey, hold on a
sec! Who is *that*?!? [pointing to screen]

[Briefly, we switch back to a view of D13, where we see Frank unsuccessfully
practicing the old "magic rings" trick.]

Tom: Him? Oh, that's just Frank.

Crow: Yeah, he's Dr. Forrester's sidekick.

Mike: So anyway, you were saying about Uncle Hawk-

Tabitha: Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen - this "Frank" guy, he's not, y'know, spoken
for or anything, is he?

Mike: Frank? Naw, he's footloose and fancy free.

Tabitha: [Grinning] Oooh, just what I wanted to hear. Later, guys!

Crow: Oh, but wait! What about the story?

Tom: Yeah, and the whole "us getting back to earth" deal, huh?

Tabitha: First things first, guys! I'll take care of you *after* I snag
me that hunk of man down there!
[Pause]

All: FRANK?!?!??

Tabitha: Yep! As Uncle Henry used to say, "Abyssinia!" [twitches her nose
with her finger and vanishes]

[D13 - Frank's still practicing the rings, without much luck]

Frank: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon - D'OH!!! I'll never get this right!

Tabitha: [suddenly appearing] Need some help, handsome?

Frank: GYAH!!! Who're - how'd you - wha -

Tabitha: [Taking Frank's arm] Listen - Frank, is it? Well, this is your
lucky day, Frankie-poo! I'm here to help you with your magic act -
and so much more!

Frank: Really? Gee, could you help me sort all my Hall & Oates CD's, too?

[SoL - All are still staring at the screen, frankly (hah!) stunned]

All: FRANK?!?!?? (lights, buzzer) AHHHHHH!!! WE GOT FANIFC SIGN!!!!

[Chaos, doors, etc.]

[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O

[All enter]

Mike: Geez, I can't believe she threw us over for *Frank*!

Tom: From now on, Mike, let me do all the talking around women.

Mike: That's not very convincing coming from a former Tonka toy.

Crow: 2*a* of 2? He's extending himself.

Tom: Held over for my eighth smash week - *me*! Because I demanded more me!

Crow: Man, I've *never* understood the Dewey Decimal System!

Mike: And now, "Posting Against the Wind". [Mike makes various exaggerated
mime-type arm movements]

Mike: Thinking he's the third Darrin, Samantha never even notices.

Crow: Naturally, wackiness ensues.

Mike: [Samantha] What'll you take for her?

Mike: Don't smoke.

Crow: Well, thanks, that clears *that* right up!

Tom: [Tom] Impressive, huh? Want me to do it again?

Mike: [Tom] Well, I've got a paper cut, and my foot itches, but otherwise,
it's - oh, you mean the whole "visible to the neighborhood" deal.

Crow: They're really, *really* wet?

Tom: [Tom] Like maybe a funny hat. Or a Nixon mask!

Crow: Like most 6-year old girls, Tabitha's gripped by dirigible-mania.

Mike: [Tom] If you can't swing that, go with one that looks like Underdog.

Crow: [British] Good show, Field Marshall Samantha - repel the Jerries!

Tom: Yeah, spill it. Talk! What's the story, Morning Glory?

Mike: It took over 3000 gallons of ice cream, but it was worth it!

Mike: The Unidentified Flying Oddball.

Tom: He's *really* oddball.

Tom: His *wont*?!? Tha hell...

Crow: I don't think guys named "Abner" are even supposed to *have* wonts.

Mike: [Abner] No, wait, it's okay, they're just crashing it into the
Superbo - OH MY GOD!!!!

Tom: No one gets Samantha - she's...

All: The wind, baby.

Tom: Am I overusing that?

Mike: Perhaps.

Mike: PETA immediately goes on Full Red Alert!

Crow: [Hippie] Woah, harsh, man! Your old lady could use some blue groovies!

Tom: It's time for another Heaven's Gate membership drive.

Crow: Soon, Abner was out in LA, tripping with Squeaky Fromme and Tex Watson!

Mike: [Darren] And there was a minuet playing at the time! She's nuts,
I tells ya!

Tom: Maybe he should plead insanity.

Crow: But still butcher than Uncle Arthur.

Mike: Then she called me MISTER Tibbs!

Crow: [Paris] You bet - wanna see my Eiffel Tower, baby?

Mike & Tom: Ewwwwwwwwww!

Mike: BUTT OUT! CHEST IN! LEFT FACE! FOR-ARD - HARCH!

Crow: [Tom] H-h-he was m-m-mean to me, Cap'n, an' he yelled at me an',
an' an' he called me names an' stuff!

Mike: [Janeway] I know, honey, I know, it'll be okay.

Mike: You'd think so.

Tom: Yet I have a nagging feeling it ain't!

All: PAUL HARVEY?!?!?

Mike: He's back on the air at last!

Crow: Thank God - no more David Hartman or Sam Donaldson fill-ins!

Tom: Captain *Toni* Braxton.

Crow: She took time off from her "Who's the Biggest Hoochie?" contest
with Mariah Carey & Britney Spears just for this.

Tom: [Braxton] I now pronounce Chakotay and Seven of Nine to be man and -
oops. Darnit, I always get ahead of myself. Look, everyone just
forget that last part, 'kay?

Mike: [Braxton] Man enough for me? Yes.

Tom: Ah, he finally pulled himself together.

Mike & Crow: D'OH!!!!

Crow: The First Amendment!

Mike: The Third Law of Thermodynamics

Tom: The Tenth Commandment!

Crow: Decency!

Mike: Common Sense!

Tom: Gene Roddenberry's Storyboards!

Crow: [Sam] They even developed a liquid paper torpedo!

Tom: They're all shocked by the sound of it.

Mike: Well, it *is* her Weapon of Choice!

Crow: [Braxton] Boy, that sounds silly when I say it out loud, doesn't it?

Mike: [Janeway] Mainly because I said so.

Crow: [Darrin] Oh, wait, you said *years*, not months. Let's see...

Tom: [Braxton] That o/~ you're makin' me hi-i-i-i-i-igh... o/~

Crow: [Braxton] I'm so very lonely! Someone conjure me up a babe, quick!

Crow: Wow! He's really flexible!

Tom: Guess that explains what Sam saw in him.

All: Oh, BOOOOO!!

Crow: And they tracked Hirogen mud all over Sam's nice clean carpet!

Crow: His sworn mission? Pfft!

Tom: [Braxton] I know I'm supposed to safeguard history and all that, but
I'm willing to chuck it all for a really good cross-series spat!

Mike: Yeah, *this* is the guy I want upholding the sanctity of the timestream.

Mike: Then she laid down a really swinging beat.

Crow: Dubya?

Tom: Hugh Hefner?

Mike: George Wallace?

Crow: Hey, he may be a two-bit dictator, but he's got an eight-bit memory!

Tom: Our food untouched by prehensile tails.

Crow: Wait, I don't remember hearing any of this.

Mike: It was just implicit in the way he raised his hand.

Mike: Well, to his credit, at least he didn't appear in "Jurassic Park III".

Tom: *Everybody's* laying down the law!

Crow: Well, until someone lays down the order, it's not gonna do much good.

Crow: Or a CPA! Or even a PHD!

Mike: But only if you've got an MBA from USC.

Tom: Well, as long as it's done PDQ, it'll be A-OK.

Crow: Eh, that's just a typical day on Voyager - no big whoop.

Tom: Nah, he's just doing his Colin Mochrie impression.

Mike: [Darrin] Just give me a few thousand years and I'll be a bird!

Crow: It's the long awaited "Baby Bop/Castro" debate!

Tom: [Naomi] Really primitive and underequipped by my standards, but great.

Mike: Uh-oh.

Crow: They're not gonna bring in *another* crossover are they?

Tom: I hope not - I'm still trying to process "Uncle Hawkeye".

Tom: Oh, the NASA Mars Probe guys.

Mike: [Tabitha] It's where we live.

Crow: I thought that was the viewer's job.

Tom: I dunno - a blown circuit's the only thing *I* can think of that can
explain "Survivor" and "Fear Factor".

Mike: If so, here's to you.

Tom: Geez, the pop cultural TV show refs are piling up like dead leaves!

Mike: Any second now, Starsky & Hutch will pull up looking for Huggy Bear.

Tom: [toon noise] Aieyeiyeieh!

Crow: Ow, my nose!

Mike: [Tabitha] Or keep Robert Downey Jr. out of trouble.

Crow: [Naomi] Okay, she's the template. Make us over like her, and we'll
have packs of executive producers drooling over *us*, too!

Tom: Meanwhiler, Tom Servo had *also* had enough.

Mike: And all in one!

Tom: And 7 come 11!

Crow: And 25 or 6 to 4!

Tom: [Braxton] Come with me if you want to be potentially wiped out of
existence.

Crow: Ooooh, you just opened a whole economy-size can of magical whoop-
ass there, pal!

Crow: She's snorting hairspray?!

Mike: Kids, just say "No"!

Tom: [Endora] I demand to be taken out of Title Case immediately!

Mike: And Bach was on Beethoven's 2-yard line with 20 seconds to play!

Crow: [Jerry Lewis] And the thing and the deal and the lulla-baby-bye and the
nice lady person, and HOYL!!

Crow: Something he's the master of.

Tom: Well, he gets a lot of practice.

Tom: Tragically, the Capitalization Plague was spreading from character to
character.

Mike: [announcer] Back, back, back to the wall - HOME RUN! CUBS WIN!
CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

Mike: [Tuvok] Lady, if I didn't have to go make the cookies, I'd get *so*
Delta Quadrant on your hinder!

Crow: I guess flying elves really *are* back!

Tom: [Tuvok] The deed is valid - Voyager is now property of McMahan & Tate!

Crow: [Tuvok] Same to you!

Mike: The part of Braxton will be played by Marv Albert.

Tom: Pervert!

Tom: It's Agnes Moorehead and Agnes Moorehead in "The Derwood Trap"!

Bots: Ewwwwwww!

Crow: She's gone from kicking his hinder to -

Mike: Uh, guys? I don't think she bent over *that* far!

Tom: Namely, Chakotay's rump.

Crow: [Dr. Frank N. Furter] Sssexual - Transylvaniaaaaaaaaaaaa-haha!

Mike: Tragically, Voyager's time travels had created a *third* Olsen twin!

Tom: [horrified] No!

Crow: [Seven] Plus, I already know I'm gonna grow up to be a hot
chick, so I can start planning!

All: Hissss! SSSssssss! SSsssssss! Hissssss!

Crow: [Endora] If you invest in the Precious Mortals market, you'll make
a fortune!

Mike: She should invest in the Precious Roy market instead.

Tom: Suckers!

Tom: And once again, booze comes to the rescue!

Mike: Yep, sweet, sweet booze - the eternal problem solver!

Crow: Why not try some booze today, and wash your worries away?

Crow: Wow, suddenly, it's turning into "Late Night at the Voyager Lounge"!

Mike: Oh, you little tease!

Crow: I knew he was gonna write that.

Tom: Well, geez, Crow, you shoulda warned us.

Crow: Sorry.

Mike: Let's stretch for a minute, guys.

[All leave]

O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]

[SOL - Mike is at the console, reading a copy of "US News & World Report".
After a couple of moments, Tom enters stage right, dressed in an elaborately
official-looking costume]

Tom: Greetings, citizen!

Mike: Oh, hey Tom.

Tom: I'm with the Time Patrol.

Mike: [glances over at Tom, sighs] Yeah, I figured it was something like that.

Tom: Might I ask what you're reading, citizen?

Mike: [knowing where this is headed] Uh, yeah, it's, uh, it's "US News and
World Report".

Tom: Ah. Not "Time", then?

Mike: 'Fraid not, no.

Tom: Hmmmmm - well, since this is a first violation, and since it's *not* a
copy of "Newsweek", I'm going to let you off with a warning! [Hands
Mike a citation] But you'd best take it seriously and correct your
newsmagazine selection, citizen!

Mike: Yessir, Officer Servo, I'll do my best.

[With a *harumph*, Tom exits, and Mike shaking his head, goes back to reading.
A few moments later, Crow enters stage right, wearing a similar costume and
clutching a jar of rich, tomato-y sauce]

Crow: Hello there, puny mortal! I'm with the...

Mike: [thrusting a citation at Crow's face] I know, I know, the Time Patrol.
I've already had a visit, thanks.

Crow: Wrong, wretched peasant! I'm with the Thyme Patrol.

Mike: [looking up, confused] I thought I just said...

Crow: *Thyme*, T-H-Y-M-E, *Thyme* Patrol!

Mike: Oh.

Crow: Exactly, vermin! And I'm confiscating this jar of leftover spaghetti
sauce I found in your puny wretched refrigerator, because it has a
dearth of the Holy Ingredient!

Mike: And that would be...

Crow: Thyme!

Mike: I see.

Crow: Plus, I think it needs a pinch of basil, too. Have a nice day, you
disgusting worm! [leaves]

[Mike shakes his head and goes back to reading. Sure enough, Tom returns]

Tom: Howdy, fella. I'm with the Tim Patrol!

Mike: The *Tim* Patrol?

Tom: Yep. Say, are you currently in possession of a copy of "The Apple
Dumpling Gang" or "The Prize Fighters" or "They Went Thataway and
Thataway", or any other fine, fine film starring the great Tim Conway?

Mike: No, but I have "Dorf on Golf". Will that do?

Tom: Yep, you've fulfilled your requirement. Have a good 'un.

[Tom exits. Almost immediately, Crow re-enters, his face and uniform
covered with reddish blotches]

Crow: *Urp* Whoof, sorry. I'm with the Tums Patrol.

Mike: I see.

Crow: I, uh, I'm checking for antacids and the *Mrf* like.

Mike: This wouldn't have anything to do with the earlier Thyme Patrolman
that was just by here, would it?

Crow: I don't *flrfp* know what you mean.

Mike: Of course not. Fortunately for you, I happen to have some Tums here.
[hands them to Officer Crow]

Crow: Th-*blurf* Sorry. Thanks!

[Crow's out. Tom's in, now dressed - Scottishly]

Tom: Greetings, me boyo! It's with the Tam Patrol I'm bein'!

Mike: Of course you are.

Tom: Look here now, laddie, where's yer Tam O'Shanter?

Mike: I don't -

Tom: What's the matter, yer not ashamed o'yer Scottish heritage, now
arrrrrrrrre ya?

Mike: Actually, I'm Scandanavian by way of Wisconsin.

Tom: Oh. [pause] Well then, if yer not Scottish, yer in the clear -
even if ya are CRRRRRRRRRRAP!

[Exit Tom. Enter Crow]

Crow: Hello there. I'm with the Tomb Patrol.

Mike: The Tomb Patrol.

Crow: Yep. [looks around furtively] You, uh, you got any pictures of Lara
Croft you could spare?

Mike: Mmmmm, afraid not.

Crow: How about a couple of Angelina Jolie jpgs?

Mike: Sorry, no.

Crow: Blast!

[storms off. Tom comes back in, sans uniform]

Tom: Hey, Mike.

Mike: Okay, what now?! The Team Patrol? The Tame Patrol? The Tram Patrol?

Tom: Huh? Mike, are you feeling okay? You seem a little -

Crow: [re-entering, still in uniform] OK, I'm with the Tom Patrol and - THERE
HE IS!! GET HIM!!!

Tom: *Gyah!!!* NEVER!!!! [Tom flees, with Crow in hot pursuit]

Mike: [stares after them for a moment, then turn to the camera] *sigh*
More proof that I'm just a Jon, trapped on a ship full of Garfields.
[lights, buzzer] And, oh great! Now WE GOT MAGICAL VOYAGER SIGN!!!!

[Chaos, doors, etc.]

[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O

[All enter]

Mike: [Sinatra] o/~ Two-b-two-b-two-o-o, two-two-b-two-b... o/~

Tom: It's, um, negative four o'clock?

Crow: I *knew* all this messing around with the timestream was gonna
break something!

Mike: [announcer] Yes, Hurry on down to Bryant's, where we have a whole
storefull of WebTV's! Lowest prices of the year! Save big!

Tom: Now *that's* lousy penmanship.

Mike: Rob must be a doctor or something.

Mike: [Annika] Owders awe iwwelevant - pwepare to be 'simlated!

Tom: As usual.

Tom: *gasp* She's a Founder!

Crow: I always suspected.

Crow: Geez, she's making 100 grand an episode, she's dating the boss, *and*
she's built like a brick starbase! How much happier can she get?!?

Mike: [Janeway] No, she doesn't! Misery and suffering is her lot!

Tom: You've got to know when to hold them! *And* know when to fold them!

Crow: But only if Simon Says.

Mike: I thought that was Jeannie's schtick.

Tom: [Tabitha] Yeah, tell me about it!

Crow: Eventually, Henry Kissinger brokered the Janeway-Stephens Treaty
of 1971.

Tom: But - but she's *happy* now! She *wanted* this!

Mike: Never mind that, we're playing "Janeway Knows Best".

Crow: He may be a snotty primitive mortal, but he can sure dance
a mean polka.

Tom: o/~ Soooooo tell me what Q wants, what Q really really wants! o/~

Crow: o/~ Yeah, I'll tell you what Q wants, what Q really really wants! o/~

Mike: Guys...

Crow: Aw, c'mon, at least let us do the "zig-a-zag-ahhh" part!

Mike: Nuh-uh - I give in once, and the next thing I know, you're wearing
Union Jack minidresses and showing up in the tabloids! Not again!

Crow: "There was a young witch from Nantucket..."

Mike: Now let's all chill out and go to the mall.

Tom: But it's cold outside, so put on this shawl.

Crow: You go on ahead - I'm expecting a call.

Mike: She's a dust/pollen/self-righteous Starfleet captain.

Crow: Gladys Knight is furious!

Tom: [Tom] You've left the breakfast dishes sitting in the sink for the
last time!

All: And we're Beatrice!

Crow: Plus, you have to write "I Will Not Be A Meanie-Pie Captain" 100 times!

Mike: [Paris] Only The Matter Of Required Capitalization!

Crow: [Torres] Oooh, Talk Like A Captain Some More! You Know I Like That!

Tom: [muttering] You two are sick.

Crow: [Tom] And go get Tuvok - we need a fourth for bridge.

Mike: The Borg have joined the WTO, and she's not gonna stand for it!

Crow: Nudge nudge, wink wink, die die, say no more!

Tom: Or sobriety.

Mike: Then he did more things in choppy, one-sentence paragraph chunks.

All: Plenty!

Mike: Who?

Crow: Him?

Tom: ME!!!

Crow: Turns out Sam had Janeway hidden up her sleeve the whole time!

Tom: For fun!

Tom: Thank you, won't you?

Mike: [Tom] Sure, I may get mistreated and belittled and never see my home
again for decades on end, but she's still - wait a second...

Tom: For richer or poorer...

Mike: All or nothing at all...

Crow: Regular or extra crispy...

Crow: And because she dials 1-800-10-10-880-555-3000, she saves 50%.

Bots: NOOOOOO ONE EXPECTS THE PARIS INQUISITION!!!

Mike: Wait, when did Tom "Rebel Without a Clue" Paris turn into a Defender
of the Realm?!

Tom: Like everyone else, he's now an acolyte of the First Church of
Janewayism.

Crow: Or "Engage". Or "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot" or something.

Mike: [Tom] Now I know - petty, unrestrained vengeance is way fun!

Tom: But if you're not careful, you'll get KILT! HA!

Crow: Ouch.

Tom: And it'll happen MINI times!

Mike: Okay, fine Tom, we *know* you wear a skirt.

Tom: All I'm saying is, it's not unmanly!

Crow: Yeah, but jokes like that are.

Crow: Namor is flattered.

Tom: [Tom] Or a Vandella. Or maybe even a Temptation.

Crow: Unless she has a fake ID to go along with it.

Mike: [Seven] Can't - take - any - more - moralistic - dialogue! Ahhhhhh!

Mike: Must be Silicon Withdrawal.

Tom: Yeah, you can't just go cold turkey like that.

Crow: [Doc] They're condemning Harry Potter as "destructive to traditional
Borg values".

Tom: And gouged everyone with that little horn in her forehead.

Crow: So Borgs are magical creatures?

Mike: Yep. Just like dragons and unicorns and faerie folk.

Mike: Soon she'll be nothing but little bitty pieces. Well, and two larger,
rounder pieces.

All: o/~ AAAAAAAA-AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! o/~

Crow: And legions of drooling fanboys breathed a sigh of relief.

Mike: Proving Branon Braga's mojo is stronger than Sherwood Schwartz's.

Tom: And tossed her a good 700 meters for a new world record.

Mike: In other words, "Life is like a box of chocolates".

Crow: Ah'm Forrest of Borg. Y'all will be ashrimpilated.

Tom: And at 20% interest compounded weekly, no less.

Crow: I remember that episode - "The One Where Monica De-Ages Phoebe".

Tom: Gah! No more crossovers, please!

Mike: Far out, man!

Tom: She could be a doppelganger.

Mike: Or a clone.

Crow: Or she may be Enchantra, Endora's wacky, good-hearted lookalike cousin,
also played by Agnes Moorehead.

Mike: He'd claimed salvage rights.

Mike: Just click on the "Tools" menu, go to "Merge", and select "Reconcile
Versions".

Crow: It's the mother OF THE FUTURE!!!

Tom: It's Little Orphan Endora.

Mike: Weepin' Wizards!

Tom: [Endora] Oop, it's up now. Sorry, on your own. Bye now.

Crow: He's not a very effective timecop, is he?

Tom: Yeah, Jean-Claude did a better job.

Mike: [Endora] Alone and afraid, pretty much.

Tom: *gasp* No! Not his best friend booze! Say it ain't so!

Crow: Well, you gotta watch booze - if you're not careful, it'll turn on ya!

Crow: He then turned and looked at the well-stocked Seven of Nine.

Mike: Well, if you've started talking to the furniture, chances are you're
already halfway to sleeping in the gutter and ranting incoherently.

Tom: So why is Braxton even here?!? Sheesh!

Mike: He's distracted by thoughts of a Trans-Temporal Waffle House.

Crow: [EMH] I've never seen anyone with a blood type of Absolut Positiv.

Mike: Kathryn Janeway - disco queen!

Tom: Why not?

Mike: Yeah, a guy's self-denial is the strongest force in the universe.

Crow: Yeah, but you're royally ticking off H.G. Wells.

Tom: Then ordered Tuvok to clap her in irons and toss her in the brig.

Mike: Which pretty much explains Frank Sinatra Jr.'s career.

Crow: [Endora] Did I leave the stove on?

Mike: [Braxton] She's gone to the store for some cat food and a tin of
snuff. Why, what'd you guys think I meant?

Crow: Then she began to rattle. Then she began to roll.

Mike: Once again, he felt the urge to lock himself inside and whimper like
a tiny little baby.

Tom: [Darrin] I'm ditching the dining room set - no more food, I'm just gonna
quaff Mad Dog 20/20 and Hai-Karate Aftershave until I melt.

Tom: Heart-*burning* events, is more like it.

Mike: I know it makes *me* want to cry.

Crow: And a little bored.

Tom: Thanks to that detour down State Road 45.

Crow: o/~ And once he started up, he never stopped, never stopped, never
never never stopped! o/~

Mike: [Braxton] I forgot, they've started charging for time travel by the
minute.

Crow: [B'Elanna] He got it from some guy name Caligari or something.

Tom: [Braxton] And before you say it, dibs on the booze!

Crow: Hey! What about us?

Tom: Yeah, don't we get anything?

Mike: Remember, guys - being a character in a confusing crossover
fanfiction story means never having to say you're sorry.

Tom: See, it's funny, cuz Samantha's a witch and stuff and - and -
look, just *laugh*, okay? C'mon, LAUGH!!!

Mike: Yeah, you got it easy - you don't know when you got it good

Crow: [Naomi] I mean, it's fun pushing Neelix around and all, but it's
just too easy.

Tom: [Tabitha] But if I catch him messing with my toys again, I'll turn
him into a hissing beetle!

Mike: [Adam] Yeah, yeah, we'll see about that when my birthday rolls around!

Crow: Oh, you have *got* to be kidding me!

Tom: Welp, I think we've pretty much hit the crossover clich jackpot, guys!

Mike: Yeah, the only thing we missed was an inter-series romance.

Tom: *sniff* Goodbye, booze! You'll be missed!

Mike: And with the twitch of a nose, Darrin was a 3 1/4" Phillips Head.

Crow: [Darrin] Hold it over my mouth with the top off, is what I mean.

Tom: First, he had to unbreak my heart.

Crow: [Braxton] Here's my bill. You wanna pay now or...

Mike: [Janeway] Ha! You forgot, we don't use cash anymore!

Crow: [Braxton] Curses!

Mike: But he was still outbid on eBay by "Pookie_575".

Crow: Captain Braxton - strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Tom: So when he said he'd tell 'em why he wanted the stupid cabinet when they
got back to Voyager, he actually meant he'd vanish with no explanation.

Crow: [crewman] Your heard her, everyone - GET HER!!!

All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Mike: Soon, she couldn't fit in her uniform any more.

Crow: [Tuvok] It is when you find an object or process intriguing or holding
your attention inexplicably - but that's not important right now.

Mike: He was nibbled to death by ducks.

Tom: [dully] Oh, bitter irony.

Crow: [Janeway] I never got a chance to boss him around again before he
kicked off.

Mike: This is as profound as Chakotay gets, folks. Enjoy.

Crow: There can be only one!

Mike: RAMIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!!

Tom: Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaaah!

Crow: Secretly, though, he was plotting sweet sweet revenge.

Tom: The future - come for the fanfiction, stay for the Cajun cooking.

Crow: Hey, I thought witches only aged 1 year for every hundred!

Tom: If you had Samantha's family, you'd get old quick, too.

Mike: [Braxton] She's *always* asking for me! "Go to the store and buy me
a lottery ticket!" "Pick me up something from Captain D's!" "Fluff
my pillows!" It never stops!

Tom: Hey, wait! This is the 24th Freaking Century! Why is Hawkeye Pierce
even alive?!?

Crow: Yeah, What the Blaze Starr is going on here?!?

Mike: Don't ask questions we might get answers to, guys - just nod and smile
and inch toward the exit!

Crow: Then he traveled back in time and short-sheeted Frank Burns' crib.

Tom: The squealing of the Tardis gave him away.

Crow: Sandler?

Tom: No - not even Endora deserves *that*!

Tom: Endora and the Universe then announced a 57-city reunion tour.

Mike: [Braxton] Boy, just think, this stuff pretty much killed dad.
Hm. Oh well, down the hatch.

Crow: Except for the time Tabitha exiled him to a dark dimension and
didn't tell the folks for a whole month. That wasn't so good.

Crow: A door slammed.

Mike: A maid screamed.

Tom: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon.

Tom: After all these years, *finally* an answer to "Who's Watching the
Kids?".

Mike: Even now, the Kravitzes are down in the kitchen, patrolling the DMZ.

Tom: In that order.

Crow: [Endora] I'm sure that stint with the Palm Beach Election Board will
nice and peaceful.

Mike: Within moments, Darrin and Larry were engaged in a dramatic, tire-
squealing car chase.

Tom: It's Hal Needham's "Bewitched"!

Crow: But there's still a 3-hour layover in Atlanta.

Tom: Not since the ear enlargement surgery, anyway.

Crow: HULK SMASH PUNY DERWOOD!!!

Tom: No Larry, no nothin'!

Tom: It'll freshen your breath and make you more socially aware.

Mike: It'll soften your hands while you do the dishes.

Crow: It's a floor wax *and* a dessert topping.

Mike: Well, you have to admit, that's not a sentence you often see in
fanfiction.

Crow: Yeah, if only the regular "Voyager" writers had done the same!

Mike: [Larry] Oh, all right - Hey, is your ad campaign tired? Cuz it's been
running through my mind all week, heh heh heh!

Crow: [Larry] Because they can't just conjure up anything they need by wishing
for it as if they were magical or something. That'd be just plain
crazy!

Tom: She's turned herself into a remora.

Crow: [Endora] And Michael Cimino and Francis Ford Copolla are fighting for
the film rights.

Tom: Little knowing that Robert Altman and Larry Gelbart beat them to it.

Mike: They're the *real* Pros from Dover, man.

Tom: I think he just blew the "Boss of the Year" award.

Mike: At this point, even Mr. Dithers is calling him to say, "Dude! Ease up!"

Crow: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! PIKE'S PEAK!!!!

Tom: [Darrin] Of course, it's all Confederate hundreds, and ancient Syrian
drachmas, but still...

Mike: [Darrin] So I'll be driving 38 hours straight and refusing to take
directions, even when we wind up on Baffin Island!

Crow: Sadly, it turned out Darrin's heart would *not* go on.

Crow: Remember that, Mike.

Mike: You guys said I wasn't the captain around here, remember.

Tom: Well, uh... in case of disaster, you get an automatic promotion.

Mike: Forget it - I'm not gonna be the Emergency Organic Captain!

Tom: Michael Jackson visits Burger King.

Crow: [Pale guy] And if so, do you have any Rolaids for it?

Mike: Well, he learns slowly, but he does learn.

Tom: *ahem* Guten Tag! Wie gets, meine freunde? Zigaretten?

Mike: Magoo?

Tom: Belvedere?

Crow: Mister?

Tom: BA-DAH-DADUMMM-DAD- oops. Drat, still doesn't work.

Crow: [Data] Or are you just happy to see me?

Mike: So does this count as yet *another* crossover, or...

Tom: Nah, I think it's a package deal - you cross over with one Trek series,
you get all the others free.

Tom: [LaForge] Oh, wait, not now - later. Sorry.

Mike: It was quickly overwhelmed by the cup section.

Tom: [Riker] All female crewmembers, grab on to me for support!

Crow: It was later the inspiration for his "Don't get as big as a planet"
campaign for Slimfast.

Tom: It's the beginning of the bitter "Bewitched"/"South Park" rivalry.

Mike: Mmmmmm - no.

Crow: Mike? We didn't just read that, did we?

Mike: You mean about there being a "Bewitched"/"M*A*S*H"/"Deep Space Nine"/
"X-Files" story out there somewhere with our names on it?

Crow: That's the one.

Mike: No. I didn't see anything.

Tom: Me either.

Crow: Good. That makes three of us.

Mike: [Miss Cleo] Call me now for ya free fanfic!

Tom: Let's just git!

[All leave]

O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]

[SOL - Mike and Tom are at the console.]

Tom: So, let's sum it up: despite the presence of her grandson, Murray the
Timecop, Endora II managed to pull off a major rework of the timestream
while the Voyager crew sat around on their thumbs, and Seven got to
relive her childhood until Janeway ordered her to grow up.

Mike: Yeah, that's pretty much the story, I think.

Tom: And it still wouldn't be *quite* so bad except for all this - I dunno,
"interconnectedness", I guess.

Mike: Oh yeah, all that "Uncle Hawkeye" and "Braxton is Adam" stuff. That was
just a little *too* freaky.

Crow: [OS] Freaky?!? Nonsense, Mike!

Mike: Crow?

[The angle widens out to show Crow standing there with a flip chart, the first
page of which is labelled "KOTTER"]

Crow: That's right, unenlightened ones. You see, today's story finally opened
my mind to a hidden universal truth! And I'm here to share this info
with you guys - it's *this*! [indicates flipchart]

Tom: Uh, Gabe Kaplan is the key?

Crow: Huh? Oh, no, KOTTER is an acronym - it stands for "Krow's Ominversal
Theorem of TV's Enhanced Relations".

Mike: I hate to point this out, Crow, but your name begins with "C", not "K".

Crow: Pish-tosh, Mike, a minor detail!

Tom: [mumbling] "Pish-tosh"?

Crow: What's important is that thanks to my spanking new theorem - soon to be
available to the world at large for only $49.95, less special discounts
at Amazon.com - it's now possible to link *every single TV show* ever
made into one neat little universe!

Mike: In other words -

Crow: That's right, Mikey, any show can cross over with any other show, and
it's all legal! For example - uh, Mike, if you'd be so kind...

[Mike flips open the chart, revealing a picture of Elizabeth Montgomery,
connected by a dotted lines to photos of Alan Alda and Kate Mulgrew]

Crow: See, "Ensign Stephens" provided me with the hidden key, by revealing the
previously secret information that not only was Samantha Stephens the
long-lost sister of "M*A*S*H"'s Hawkeye Pierce, but that Sam & Darrin's
son, Adam, was also Janeway's priggish hair coat, Captain Braxton.

Tom: Uh-huh. And then what?

Crow: Well, from there, it was simply a matter of following the trail. For
example, I found out that Hawkeye is the brother-in-law of the uncle of
the stepsister of none other than... [Mike flips the page to reveal a
picture of Marilu Henner] Elayne Nardo, from "Taxi".

Tom: Huh. I did *not* know that.

Crow: But that's not all. Y'see Elayne's cousin once went to a dentist whose
hygienist's neighbor was the best friend of the
great-great-granddaughter
of... [Mike flips to a picture of a young Jim Garner] Brett Maverick!

Mike: Ah, well that makes sense - in a twisted kind way, I guess.

Crow: From there, we can see that Brett once played a hand of poker with a guy
who later took a stagecoach with a woman who later married a man who had
served in the army with the grandfather of the third-grade teacher of
[Mike flips to a photo of Lucille Ball] Lucy Ricardo!

Tom: Crow, don't you think...

Crow: Wait, wait, there's more! Y'see, Lucy once accidentally set fire to the
Tie of a guy who lived on the same block as a woman who was college
roommates with the future accountant for a man who fired the nephew of
a waiter who once served a glass of iced tea to - [flip to photo of
Allison Janney] future Presidential Press Secretary C.J. Cregg!

Mike: Okay, now it's just -

Crow: You're *interrupting*!

Mike: Sorry.

Crow: Anyway, CJ once lent 5 bucks to a guy whose mother's old flame once
voted for the same candidate as this other guy whose goldfish had the
same name as the goldfish of a state trooper who once gave a speeding
ticket to - [flip to Valerie Bertinelli] Private Eye Sydney Kells!
Now, Sydney...

Mike: Waitasecond - who? And what?

Crow: Sydney Kells - you know, from the beloved sitcom "Sydney", that ran on
CBS from March to June of 1990?

Tom: Hold on here, Crow - this theory of yours connects *every* TV show?

Crow: You got it, Servo!

Mike: Crow, there've been, like *hundreds* of TV shows over the years.

Crow:: Well, I never said it was a *short* plan, Mike

Tom: And excuse me for asking, but aren't these connections getting a little -
I dunno, tenuous or something?

Crow: Ah, it may seem that way, but underneath the surface, it's all part of
the grand scheme of things! It's all part of the beingness, the zen
flow of the universe, the smoothness of reality! Don't you see?

[pause]

Mike & Tom: No.

Crow: Fine, I'll go on without you. *Ahem* Anyway, Sydney once dated a guy
with the same initials as another guy whose great-great-great- *inhale*
great-great grandson made a prank call to Commander Jeffrey Sinclair.
Sinclair once punched a man in a barfight whose distant ancestor
shortchanged the fare on a bus driven by Ralph Kramden. Ralph then gave

the correct time to a woman who was the fourth cousin, twice removed, of

a distant acquaintance of Barnaby Jones. Jones arrested this guy who...

[Crow continues under with a variety of dubious connections]

Mike: Well, once again, he's gone off the deep end.

Tom: Don't laugh, we all may follow him at this rate.

Mike: True enough. Hey, you wanna give with the info?

TOm: You betcha. *ahem* To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail to "majordomo@pinky.wtower.com" with the message "subscribe
dibslist" in the message body. Don't forget to read the FAQ at

"http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue, and never
try to link up "Cowboy Beebop" and "Everybody Loves Raymond".

Crow: [OS] *Hey!* No jumping ahead in sequence!

Tom: Sorry! [muttering] Poor sap.

Mike: Mmm. [Lights flash] Oh, let's check in on the guys downstairs.

[D13 - Everything looks *pretty much* the same, but there are some minor
differences here and there - such as the ultra-keen Alex Ross prints adorning
the walls, the giant home entertainment system, and the understated turquoise
and rose drapery treatments around the doorway. Frank enters the picture -
but he's now stylishly dressed in a lime-green labcoat, much like Dr. F's.
Tabitha is on his arm, smiling at him]

Frank: ...so I said, "Well, I guess you better go put on your ape suit, then".

Tabitha: [giggling] Oh, Frank, that's great! You are just *so* funny!

Frank: Thanks, sugar-lumpkins! Ummy-ummy-ummy! [the two of them rub noses in
that sweet and cloyingly endearing way of two people who are still in
the early "roses & nicknames" stage of a relationship]

Tabitha: Oh, Frank, you're *so* much nicer than that old poop Tom Paris ever
was!

Frank: Yep, and there's no nagging Klingon wife involved either. [To screen]
Oh, hi Mike! You know that old saying about how behind every great man,
there's a great woman? Guess what - it's *sooo* true. I'm finally
large and in charge, and I owe it all to my new gal here.

Tabitha: Isn't he just the ginchiest?

[Now Dr. Forrester enters, dressed in a black suit much like Frank's old one]

Dr. F: How was lunch, Dr. Frank?

Frank: Huh? Oh, it was fine, TV's Clay - but next time, not quite so much
cilantro in the marinade - it kinda overpowers the pork roast.

Dr. F: Yessir - cut down the cilantro. You got it.

Frank: In the meantime, though, go ahead and make me and the little woman here
a couple of those triple-thick frosty milkshakes. Oh, and use the
copper scoop this time - the titanium one tends to bruise the ice cream.

Dr. F: Right, Steve. [to screen, in a strangled whisper] Help me! [leaves]

Tabitha: Oh, Frank, I almost forgot - I promised those guys up there I'd bring
them home!

Frank: Hmmmmmm - well, that seems fair I guess. I mean, if you hadn't stopped
to talk to them, we'd have never met, so - yeah, go on ahead.

Tabitha: Faboo! Hang on guys, you've got a -

[Suddenly, there's a *zing* and Paul Chaplin appears wearing a Timefleet
uniform.]

Tabitha: [stamping her foot] *Aaaa*-dam! Stop following me around, you little
twerp!
Adam: Sorry, sis, but I've been trying to get hold of you all day. [Notices
Frank] Who's the doofus?

Frank: Hey!

Tabitha: He's - never mind that now! Look, what's so important, anyway?
Adam: You got a call.
Tabitha: Ooh, "I got a call"! Big deal, I got a - oh! It wasn't from - from
*him*, was it?!?
Adam: Who do you think?
Tabitha: Oh, oh, ohmigod! What'd he say?!? What'd he say?!?
Adam: The tests were negative - he's not the father. [muttering] He's not
even sure what *species* the dad is!
Tabitha: Ohhhh, that's so great! I've gotta go - now!

Frank: Tabitha? What's - ?!

Tabitha: Oh! Oh, Frankie, I'm so sorry, but I've been pining for this guy
for *so* long! You understand, don't you?

Frank: Huh?

Tabitha: Thanks, you're a dear! Well, let's go, bro! Next stop, Washington,
FBI Headquarters, and the office of a certain "Fox"-y special agent!
Adam: Yeah, whatever. I gotta get back and annoy Janeway's crew some more -
Maybe I'll resurrect the Krenim and let them have another go at her.
Oh, hey, uh, don't forget to... [indicates D13]
Tabitha: Oh yeah. Don't worry, Frank, I'll put everything back the way it
was as I go! Bye bye! Stay sweet!

Frank: [sadly] I'll try. Bye, Tabitha. [pause] Hey, wait, DON'T...

[Tabitha wiggles her nose with her finger, and with a flash, she & Adam are
gone, and Deep 13 is back to normal]

Frank: Dooooooooooh, nutbunnies! Well, that's the way it goes, I guess.

[Dr. Forrester strides in and shoves a 5-gallon ice-cream bucket over
Frank's noggin]

Dr. F: [sarcastic] Oooh, I'm sorry, Frank, I appear to have bruised the ice
cream! [Angry] Now get back to work! [To screen] And don't think I'm
through with you magical manques up there, either! I've got tons of
other stuff to inflict on you, so you may as well save time and start
trembling in your shoes now!

Frank: Mmmbfllfrf!

Dr. F: Just shut up and push the button, Frank! And be glad I used vanilla
instead of pineapple chunk sherbert!

[Frank gropes around the console for the button. Finally...]

*FWOOOOSH!!!*

Frank: [OS] *slurrrrp* Ewww, you *did* bruise it!
----------------------------------------------------------------

"ENSIGN STEPHENS" BY: Rob Morris
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon
BODY BY: Fischer
LETTING THE DAYS GO BY: Water flowing underground
DUDE: Where's My Car?
SPECIAL GUEST STARS: Bridget Jones as Tabitha Stephens and Paul Chaplin
as Adam "Captain Braxton" Stephens
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Alex Ross
the inventor of the foam Fire Extinguisher, and 42 randomly
chosen members of our audience.

"Star Trek: Voyager" and all associated characters and situations are
trademark of and (c) Paramount. All rights reserved. Even the
inexplicably goofy stuff, like C/7.

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and (c) Screen Gems Presentations. All rights reserved. Choose your
favorite Darrin at www.AmIDarrinOrNot.com today.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. Think you can take them? Go ahead on - it's your move!

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks

held by others is intended or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
So if you marry a beautiful young witch and get turned into a lawn statue
by her wacky family, remember that!

My job - my way!

Keep circulating the posts.
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