The Newcomer.

CROW: But Aquaman would be able to summon the collective searching skills
of *all* the sea's many wondrous creatures to help.

TOM: Which doesn't compare to being able to use super-hearing and just
*listen* for the darned place.

CROW: Yeah, and go deaf trying. If he can hear Lex Luthor from 11,000
miles away how loud is the car driving past Superman going to sound?

JOEL: [ Looking up ] Hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. My
robots--Crow T. Robot--

CROW: Hi there.

JOEL: and Tom Servo--

TOM: Greetings.

JOEL: --and I been watching some old cartoons up here and the other day
saw the Superfriends trying to search for the Hall of Doom--remember,
it could move around the planet--and only Superman, Green Lantern, and
Black Vulcan were needed to search.

CROW: Right. So we're trying to figure out just how large a search party
the Superfriends really would have to organize to find the Hall of Doom.

TOM: Exactly. Now, Green Lantern is vulnerable to anything that's yellow.
Suppose the Hall of Doom was hiding out in the suburbs. Green Lantern
would be helpless!

CROW: Superman could *not* do it alone. It's too big a planet for him.

TOM: He could just X-Ray the entire Earth! Joel, what do you think?

JOEL: I've always been partial to Wendy, Marvin, and Wonder Dog, actually.

CROW: Huh? What were *their* powers?

JOEL: They had the ability to advance the plot.

CROW: Wait a second...Green Lantern could do anything so long as it didn't
touch something yellow. [ Looks at TOM ] Ha-ha! So he could transmute
*you* into an empty soda can, but couldn't touch me!
[ JOEL goes back to his comic book ]

TOM: Oh yeah? Well, Firestorm could transmute *you* into a pile of mud.

CROW: Then I'd have Apache Chief grow really large and step on you!

TOM: But then I'd have Black Vulcan use his electricity powers to bzzzzt
zap you into ashes!

CROW: But then I'd have Zan and Jana turn into an ice locomotive and an
eagle and so run you over and then carry what's left to the edge of a
cliff and drop you off.

TOM: Which would be nothing compared to me having Cyborg wire into your
central processor and rewrite your circuitry so you assume the
characteristics of a relatively small bicycle seat!

CROW: Well then *I'd* just have El Dorado do...uh...hm...

JOEL: [ Looking up ] What were El Dorado's powers?

TOM: I think his power was that he was Hispanic.
[ Commercial sign flashes ]

JOEL: We'll be right back.

CROW: Right. Well, I'd have El Dorado do whatever it was he did to you.

TOM: But how long could you stand up to Samurai Warrior...uh...making you
vaguely long for John Belushi?

[ Commercials ]

[ SOL ] CROW is on a rant; JOEL and TOM sharing a "Screwball Squirrel"
comic book.

CROW: And another thing, could Aquaman fly or not? In the opening credits

to "Superfriends," "Challenge Of The Superfriends," "Superfriends: The
Legendary Super Powers Show," and "The Super Powers Team: Galactic
Guardians," he flew--in each and every one of the many "Superfriends"
series, he flew in the opening credits.
[ Mads light flashes.]

JOEL: Hang on; Edmund Hamilton and Fritz Leibner are calling.
[ JOEL taps the light. ]

CROW: Yet my research is unable to confirm any instances of him flying
during the actual show. Oh, sure, making great leaps, but that's not
flying, buster...

[ INT DEEP 13 ] Close on DR. FORRESTER, with laptop computer; TV'S FRANK,
with a headphone painted white and with obscure red and blue and green
bits stuck on it, is in the background, playing with a "Pole Position"
miniature video game.

FORRESTER: Hello, Joel. Today's Invention Exchange from our side regards

a recent social phenomenon: e-mail. As I'm sure you could imagine,
electronic mail does not automatically interrupt a person's life and
demand attention immediately--unlike the telephone. One may check
messages at one's leisure, ending forever the frustration of the
telephone's constant interruptions.

TV'S FRANK: All right! I'm going to win this one!

FORRESTER: [ Looks behind, grimaces, and turns back ] Our invention
changes all that. Indeed, it excels in changing all that. While some
would be satisfied with a device that just makes receiving email only
*as* distracting as receiving a phone call, we have gone beyond that.
Frank shall demonstrate.
FORRESTER: [ Pressing the 'mouse' button. ] There. I just sent a note
off to him...

TV'S FRANK: I can see the finish li... [ Buzzing, electrical arcing noises;
flash (as from flash paper) from the gadget on TV'S FRANK's head. TV's FRANK
screams in pain. Device sparkles again; TV's FRANK passes out ].

FORRESTER: And what have you been up to?

[ SOL ] CROW, JOEL, and TOM look aghast.

JOEL: [ After a beat ] Well, sir, our invention this week concerns the
plight of the animal world. Most everyone knows the fight that animals
such as lions and elephants and rhinoceroses face to survive the
changing climate. But who knows about more obscure animals--the Bush
hyraxes, the black-footed ferrets, the bushy-tailed jirds? Not every
animal is endangered, but if we don't learn about them, they will be
in the future.

[ D13 ] TV'S FRANK is gradually rising to his feet.

FORRESTER: I had a ferret once. It kept stealing my socks. While I was
wearing them.

[ SOL ] JOEL, by himself.

JOEL: Ah. Well, anyway, our invention is animal kits--so you and your
family can look like and thus learn about some of the less familiar
animals of the world. Now, Gypsy, here...
[ GYPSY steps out. She has two black plastic plates on her sides
for her 'eyes' and an enormous button for her nose; around her
'tube' is an inflated garbage bag with arms and legs dangling
haphazardly. This is all covered in brown tinsel to simulate fur. ]

GYPSY: I am dressed as a moco, the species Kerodon rupestris, a close
relative of the guinea pig found in hilly and mountainous regions
of Brazil.

JOEL: They're extremely comfortable in rocky areas and both on the
ground and climbing trees. Its claws are blunter than the guinea
pig's, though it is about the same size. They whistle to one another
to communicate. Now, Tom Servo, on the other hand...

TOM: Looks ridiculous.

JOEL: Come out here, Tom...
[ TOM steps out. Strapped to his gumball-globe is a muzzle that l
ooks shockingly like CROW's, although halfway through it is pleated
like a flexible straw. Above the muzzle is a CROW-like 'mask' of dark
eyes in a light field. Behind him is a 'tail' of that GYPSY piping,
painted in bands of red and yellow and strung up behind him so it can
be seen. ]

TOM: Ahem. I represent the coati, species Nasua nasua and Nasua
naurica, a raccoon like animal found in Latin America and the extreme
southwest of the United States--and, also seen in the movie "Fierce
Creatures."

GYPSY: Squeak.

JOEL: Coatis are very sociable animals, living in well organized
communities of several dozen animals; and--this is cool--have really
bendy noses. [ Reaches over and pushes TOM's 'nose' up, and down, and
up again, and back to level. ]

[ D13 ]

FORRESTER: Really bendy noses? Sounds like a character on "The Tick."
Next.

[ SOL ]

JOEL: Next out is Crow T. Robot...
[ CROW steps out, next to TOM. He has larger eyes than usual, a little
cone on the end of his nose with whiskers on it, two large fluffed-out
ears on his headset and has a grey and pink robe around him. He has a
bathrobe's belt strung up behind him as his tail. He looks at TOM and
giggles a bit. ]

TOM: What?

CROW: I represent the Grasshopper Mouse, also called the Scorpion
Mouse. They are the species Onychomys leucogaster, found from southern
Canada to Northern Mexico, and Onychomys torridus, found from the
southern United States to northern Mexico.

GYPSY: Squeak.

JOEL: These are fascinating animals. They will actually howl to
proclaim their territory, making a sound like a wolf's howl. [ CROW
looks at TOM; TOM looks back. ] Even how they stand to howl, and the
tonal variation as they do, is wolflike, in miniature.
[ CROW leans next to TOM and starts nibbling. ]

TOM: Uh...Joel?

JOEL: [ Continuing ] Although they're good climbers, they don't
seem to climb regularly.

CROW: Hey, Joel, I don't suppose you have a vole suit for Tom? Ah well.
[ CROW nibbles on TOM's side some more. ]

TOM: Joel?

JOEL: [ Ignoring TOM ] Oh, and they are almost unique among the
many species of mice in that they are carnivorous. They actually
stalk and eat prey.
[ CROW gets more enthusiastic about nibbling ]

TOM: JOEL!

GYPSY: Squeak.

JOEL: [ looks at TOM ] Well, do something. You're far from helpless;
coatis are able to face down cougars and coyotes. [ Thinks about that
alliteration, shakes his head. ] Even a carnivorous mouse should be
easy for you.
[ Back to the monitor ] Well, sirs?

[ D13 ] DR. FORRESTER is by the laptop, TV'S FRANK has staggered back
and is almost on his feet again.

FORRESTER: Fascinating work. Now, to your experiment this time...are
you familiar with "Sonic The Hedgehog"?

[ SOL ]

JOEL: The video game character?

TOM: Stop it!

CROW: Make me!

[ D13 ]

FORRESTER: Yes, well, as usual, they turned this into an animated
cartoon show. In fact, apparently, they made two shows out of it,
a "good" series and a "bad" series. [ Beat; DR. FORRESTER shrugs and
shakes his head and holds up his hands. Holds for a beat and then
stands normally again. ]
FORRESTER: I can't tell which is which, sorry. Anyway, we have here
a fanfic from the depths of funny animal fandom, based on one of the
"Sonic The Hedgehog" shows, I imagine the "good" one. It's called
"The Newcomer," by Ryan Huber and...I should warn you...it's his
first fanfic.

[ SOL ] CROW and TOM are in a slapping (or really, bumping into each
other) fight.

JOEL: Well...uh...I think we'll survive.

[ D13 ] TV'S FRANK is back on his feet and next to DR. FORRESTER.

FORRESTER: We'll find out, won't we? Push the button, would you, Frank?

TV'S FRANK: Okay... [ Presses the button on the laptop. Again, there
are buzzing, electrical arcing noises; a flash paper flash from the
gadget on TV'S FRANK's head. DR. FORRESTER smiles and smirks into
the monitor. TV'S FRANK's gadget sparkles again; TV'S FRANK passes out ]

[ SOL ] Movie sign chaos. GYPSY, CROW, and TOM are back to themselves.

CROW: Hey, we're back.

TOM: Don't you *ever* try to eat me again.

GYPSY: Squeak.

ALL: WAAAAUUUGH! We got fanfic sign! AAAAAAUGHHH!

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

CROW: Coming this fall to NBC.

JOEL: I heard originally Sega wanted Sonic to be an easily embarrassed
chinchilla, but marketing killed it.

TOM: Market research just ruins every good idea.

TOM: Is a really long palindrome.

CROW: Cool!

JOEL: Oh, I think it's one of those 19th-century Russian novels.

CROW: And a guy out front who has a really big stick.

JOEL: Well, we're still okay, guys.

TOM: Uh-oh.

CROW: No problem there.

TOM: Oh, ours too. Don't worry.

JOEL: [ Psycho voice ] But that's perfectly NORMAL, you understand?
NORMAL! BWA-HA-HA!

CROW: Who by the way is not at ALL in the least bit like me, nuh-uh,
not a bit!

CROW: Oh.

JOEL: Ah well.

CROW: I have been wrong before.

TOM: I'll say.

TOM: I figure you'd need at least two rolls of duct tape for every
single episode.

JOEL: Well, there's probably some two-part episodes. They'd stick
together.

TOM: True, true...probably could string up some with masking tape,
too.

ALL: [ Singing to "Mustang Sally" ] Princess Sally...Oh yeah...

TOM: I still miss "Inspector Gadget."

CROW: Excuse me...it's "Graphic Novels."

JOEL: Either, Neither, Seizure, Leisure, Codeine, Caffeine

CROW: And February.

JOEL: You know, historians note that evidence is mounting that
German submarines off the New Jersey coastline caused significant
damage in the New York harbor area before the U.S.'s entry into World
War I.

CROW: Is there any project named "Doomsday" that ultimately didn't fail?

TOM: Well, it's your story. Do what you like.

JOEL: Oh, it's like when you put a reel in the viewfinder kind of
funny and you see different pictures in the left or the right eye.

TOM: Neat.

JOEL: Uh-oh...

TOM: We better get comfy.

JOEL: [ Waving arms in panic ] NO! NO! Get that sunset away from me!
AAAUGH!

T, CROW: AAAAH!

CROW: In his teeth.

JOEL: He's so tough.

TOM: But we're sure it was hair.

CROW: Maybe.

JOEL: And brown.

CROW: We think.

CROW: I have happy eyes.

JOEL: [ patting Crow's shoulder ] Aw, and it shows, you cutey.

TOM: And some scuba gear.

JOEL: Plus years of steroid abuse.

TOM: Beats talking to the voices in his head.

ALL: [ Jumping back ] Yeaaah!

CROW: Charlie Brown will be so upset he had to go to the opthamologist
today!

TOM: I have had enough of these slurs against Canadian football.

JOEL: Oh, me too. Three downs just works better.

TOM: Planning revenge on the people who named them.

TOM: Hey!

CROW: No fair!

JOEL: Boo!

JOEL: Oh, Mobotropolis...he was always my favorite autobot.

TOM: They actually released him?

JOEL: Yeah, yeah, turned into a city and into a big ol' robot toy.
Used to have him go against the Unicron toy.

CROW: You had *Unicron*?

JOEL: You bet.

CROW: You were so lucky.

JOEL: Well, for a while, anyway.

CROW: Talking in class.

CROW: "Have you always had two noses?"

TOM: And I don't really know what I'm doing...

JOEL: Yeah, you just take Hoosick down to Route 7, then turn onto
87 North and head up into Canada.

CROW: That was so brave of him.

TOM: We'll miss him, the courageous fool.

TOM: [ Shaking around ] Ah! Ah! It's got me! Turn it off! Turn it off!

CROW: BOOM!

TOM: So we're to take it Ryan was the guy walking in the first part?

CROW: He just couldn't give up on the last scene.

JOEL: It was awfully gripping, though.

TOM: He lived in a wide field?

JOEL: Maybe he's a dormouse.

CROW: Or a woodchuck.

TOM: Yeah, could be.

CROW: At the field?

JOEL: [ As "Farm Film Celebrity Blow Up" guys ] He caught it good.

TOM: Caught it real good.

CROW: "But gosh darned it, I just like wide fields."

TOM: His new car!

TOM: Wouldn't that actually make it a meteor, then?

CROW: Wouldn't that actually vaporize the state?

TOM: BANG!

JOEL: You missed.

TOM: I have no idea what a wire was doing there.

CROW: Down with the deroboticizer!

TOM: Boo!

CROW: "Hey, I *do* have two noses!"

CROW: "Since when does the machine have two noses?"

TOM: Would you shut up about the noses already?

JOEL: Boys, boys...

JOEL: Or that buzzing, sputtering stuff.

TOM: Like all our blinky, button-y stuff.

CROW: And the doohickeys.

JOEL: Hang on, I think we're back on Earth now.

JOEL: Maybe not.

TOM: The swing shift at Wa-Wa.

ALL: HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

JOEL: It probably doesn't know the words.

TOM: That wasn't much of a stutter, really.

JOEL: More like a stammer.

CROW: Farms!

ALL: YAAAAY!

TOM: And the low hum bumped into his shin.

TOM: Ho, ho, ho!

JOEL, CROW: Green Comet!

CROW: Oh, I should have worn my raincoat and slickers.

TOM: Well, it could've been worse.

JOEL: Yeah. This very nearly turned into an NBC Made-For-TV Miniseries,
after all.

TOM: So we're on Mobius again.

TOM: So we're *not* on Mobius.

TOM: And now we're back.

JOEL: Don't worry about it, dear.

CROW: [ Whimpers. JOEL pats him. ]

ALL: HOW BRIGHT WAS IT?
[ Pause ]

JOEL: I guess it wasn't a joke.

CROW: With shaving cream. They're such scamps!

TOM: Except the ominous background music.

CROW: They were all lefthanded now.

JOEL: Hey, I'm lefthanded.

JOEL: Oh, *now* look at the mess you've gotten us into, Stanley.

ALL: [ Clapping ] YAAY!

CROW: I counted.

TOM: So, there was a sound.

JOEL: More of a B+ human, really. Good idea, but not presented as
effectively as he could be.

TOM: And he was handed in two days late.

CROW: And in a really big font, too.

JOEL: Oh, yeah, that never fools the teacher.

TOM: And clucked like a chicken for two minutes.

CROW: Oh, now we're going to have to clean out the guest room!

TOM: That's your job.

CROW: Nuh-uh. I cleaned it last time.

TOM: No, that was me. You promised you were going to--

CROW: You are such a liar.

JOEL: Well, you just thought wrong, Mister. Now go to your room.

TOM: He's giving this story a reason for existing, okay? So go
easy on him.

JOEL: He thought to bring his mug of Ovaltine with him.

CROW: He can tell that by how he stirs?

ALL: [ Chanting ] Ooooohhhnnnnn...

CROW: Well, that's not a very good mantra.

JOEL: What have you done with the *real* Professor Astron?

CROW: And where'd the baseball equipment he was carrying go?

CROW: Huh?

TOM: If you bring that sentence in to the shop we can have it
working for you by Wednesday.

JOEL: Standing on top of each other? Huh?

CROW: Ow! Ow! My eyes! *Darn* these contact lenses!

TOM: What?

CROW: There's a raccoon and a walrus in the room? Huh?

JOEL: I think they're Bookshire and Rotor.

TOM: Why didn't he just say so?

JOEL: We probably should have known that before going in.

TOM: Like he said.

TOM: So are you the raccoon or the walrus?

CROW: I *might* be Walter M. Schirra, Jr, the only astronaut to
have been on Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo flights.

JOEL: That's telling him, Crow.

TOM: He kept them in his wallet, next to his video club card.

ALL: [ Waving ] Hi, Ryan!

JOEL: Oh, he must be the raccoon. Raccoons are supposed to be curious.

CROW: You sure he's not the walrus?

TOM: Well, if he's the raccoon then the name's alliterative.
Rotor Raccoon.

CROW: True, true. That's always important.

JOEL: Oh, I took the 90 bus over to Latham, then got on the number
70 to get over to Veeder Avenue and just walked the rest of the way. You?

TOM: That was such a bummer, man.

CROW: Which one of you is the walrus?

JOEL: And on behalf of everybody, I'd like to thank you both for
avoiding Beatles references so far.

TOM: We're not going to be able to hold out forever, you know.

JOEL: Also French.

CROW: And Russian.

TOM: Greek.

JOEL: German.

CROW: Klingon.

TOM: Esperanto.

CROW: Italian all the way.

TOM: Sonic, that's the *closet*, you doof...

JOEL: Okay, I know Sonic is the hedgehog, I've seen those ads.

CROW: Also it's the name of the series.

JOEL: True, too.

JOEL: Sonic doesn't miss much, does he?

TOM: And why is he dangling my participles?

CROW: That always works.

JOEL: Well, actually, they didn't, did they?

TOM: Well...directly? No.

CROW: They said he was speaking Mobian, though.

TOM: And Sonic's idiom suggested it, at least.

JOEL: Maybe there's a globe or an atlas or something wherever they are.

CROW: In response.

TOM: Ah, he's a wit.

JOEL: Benjamin Franklin would be proud.

CROW: By the cast and crew of "The Price Is Right!"

TOM: So...she didn't join them.

CROW: "That human has two noses!"

TOM: Joel, would you *do* something about him?

CROW: Oh, cool.

TOM: Yeah.

JOEL: Why would a telecommunications company try to trick Sally?

CROW: The tragic, personal costs of deregulation, Joel.

JOEL: A line so easy it almost defies riffing.

TOM: We think it's Walter M. Schirra Jr., but we're not sure.

CROW: So Sonic is *not* the human.

JOEL: No, we already know who the human is.

CROW: Oh yeah.

ALL: [ Waving ] Hi, Sally-Er!

CROW: We could put on a bake sale.

TOM: Or do a musical number.

JOEL: Full-contact golf?

TOM: Kind of a strong reaction.

JOEL: Yeah, this wasn't that hard a problem.

CROW: So we better just wait for him to betray us first.

TOM: And challenged him to a game of turbo-checkers.

JOEL: When I said it.

TOM: [ As Ryan ] Right. And I'm a liberal Republican.

CROW: Well, actually, he has, back in the start of this Part.

JOEL: He's got a lot on his mind, though.

CROW: Three years, four months, two days, nine hours, and seventeen
minutes ago, in fact. I just happen to know.

TOM: [ As Sonic ] "Aw, great, Sal's off on her little princess
fantasy again. I'll get her pills, you get some peanut butter to put
them in so she'll swallow 'em."

JOEL: Oh, I had the Robotropolis Transformer too.

TOM: Yeah?

JOEL: Yeah, right after the movie came out and they gave it a new name.

CROW: You still have it?

JOEL: Not with me, no.

CROW: Aw.

TOM: A son of a--

JOEL: Daughter.

TOM: Oh.

CROW: A son of a daughter?

CROW: And so far being a monarch really stinks.

JOEL: Well, it improves her business cards.

TOM: Have been recreating the magic of classic TV shows like "Get
Smart" and "The Honeymooners" live on stage every night.

CROW: At the Tropicana, in Atlantic City.

JOEL: Make your reservations now.

TOM: Why'd she stop?

CROW: And what male isn't the son of a daughter, anyway?

JOEL: It's not worth worrying about.

CROW: Hey, knowledge is power.

TOM: At New Jersey Transit's Matawan train station.

JOEL: So let me help reestablish your hereditary monarchy.

TOM: Nah, that's just L.A.

CROW: Also, it's not like I have anything else to do.

JOEL: And a bunny popped out!

CROW: Sonic's?

JOEL: Ryan's?

TOM: Bookshire's?

JOEL: Rotor?

CROW: The walrus?

TOM: Paul.

CROW: All right, but it's going to be *your* human, and you'll have
to clean up after it.

TOM: And don't think we've forgotten about the gerbil.

JOEL: "A chance is really cool and all, but could I have a go-cart
instead?"

CROW: Is that all?

JOEL: Small planet.

TOM: She kept it in a small jar on the third shelf.

CROW: Given that it's a pathetic little village with no technology,
no working toilets, and all designed for animal-people half your size.

CROW: In response.

TOM: To repeat himself.

JOEL: Over again.

CROW: But getting back home would probably involve trying or something.

JOEL: Well, she was in the room still.

JOEL: Oh.

TOM: Characterization...a good idea for any story writer.

JOEL: Think about it, won't you all?

CROW: [ Getting up ] Oh, I'll get it.

JOEL: [ Resting hand on Crow ] No, it's not for us.

CROW: Oh. [ Sits down ] What, are you screening our calls?

TOM: Scott Adams has ended his employment with us.

JOEL: He planned for it to not do stuff?

CROW: Oh, like time travel ever works in these things.

JOEL: If this is his plan, does he need to be reminded of it?

TOM: Why "Essentially" pluck a younger Sonic out of the past? Why
not actually do it?

TOM: I could swear that's the name of a band.

JOEL: Wait, you're saying Sonic wasn't a strange green comet when
he was growing up?

JOEL: [ Turning around ] No, no, Cambot, not us.
[ CAMBOT returns ]
JOEL: It's okay, anyone could make the mistake.
[ CAMBOT nods ]

CROW: Somebody got a discount deal on prepositional phrases.

TOM: Yeah, yeah, Sonic, build the hut, Sonic, save the world,
Sonic, polish the grass...but what about Sonic's needs?

JOEL: He's not a machine, you know.

CROW: Hey!

JOEL: Well, he's not.

TOM: Maybe. At this point.

CROW: True, we don't know how this is going to end.

CROW: Interdimensional Jet Lag is the worst kind.

JOEL: The first night in a new spacetime continuum is always the hardest.

TOM: The "Ben and Jerry's" stand.

JOEL: Isn't that, like, their most important secret?

CROW: Sure, but naturally the unknown newcomer should be shown
right where it is.

TOM: They've done it before, Joel--in the episode with Griff...

JOEL: "The episode with Griff?"

TOM: I had insomnia. It was on USA network.

CROW: Yeah, whatever.

CROW: Nearby.

TOM: Houston, Tranquility pool here. The Eagle is sitting.

JOEL: "All I want is a nice wide field to call home."

TOM: The twig can't take the pressure anymore!

CROW: [ Eagerly ] Kitty!

CROW: In the back.

JOEL: Behind.

CROW: Oh, yeah, there's a secret move to play him in the new Mortal Kombat.

TOM: Huh-huh, why, am I falling apart?

CROW: Which were down.

TOM: The Donald Trump of Mobius.

JOEL: Nor the dish, which ran away with the spoon.

JOEL: "I used to be 'Loopy The Lion,' but we got canceled and
I had to find work anywhere. Before you ask, I lost touch with
Hardee Har-Har just after 'Laff-A-Lympics.'"

CROW: A cat with two noses!

TOM: AH-hem.

JOEL: Well...that was exciting.

CROW: Your immigration papers are not in order.

CROW: Stephen Boyett had nothing on this guy.

TOM: Alan Dean Foster neither.

JOEL: Or the Ewoks: The Battle for Endor Special.

TOM: Not that I've tried at all.

CROW: Except for the civilization, society, history, culture, and
species of everyone on it.

JOEL: Well, except for you, according to your last bit of dialogue.

TOM: Of what?

CROW: In response.

JOEL: Just like on Earth, really.

TOM, CROW: Hey!

JOEL: You're not on Earth, sillies.

JOEL: I had the right-of-way. He failed to yield.

TOM: Still two points on the driver's license, though.

CROW: But it's the insurance that gets you.

TOM: Maybe "Sonic the Hedgehog" is an alternate reality of the
new Star Treks.

CROW: All of a sudden.

CROW: Well, no, it doesn't, actually.

JOEL: Anyone making a Voyager comment gets a poke in the nose.

TOM: He got up? When?

TOM: Wait, wasn't he already sitting?

JOEL: You could get whiplash reading that paragraph.

CROW: Linux is just one pain after the other.

JOEL: Well, done all I can do. Guess I'll head for a bar.

CROW: So, is that a laser in your pocket or...

TOM: Better than spitting into it.

JOEL: Apparently Packbell's a grad student with Darth Vader for an advisor.

CROW: Hey!

TOM: Boo! Hiss!

CROW: Absolutely inconceivable!

JOEL: Chocolate *and* peanut butter in one snack together...it's kinda
crazy, but it just might work!

TOM: Let's see...black seven onto red eight...red five onto black six...

TOM: Of Talisker.

CROW: Oh, cool, it's an adaptation of "The Probability Man."

JOEL: Brian N. Ball, neglected science fiction author...but remembered
by us.

CROW: But who are we?

TOM: It's Scotty!

CROW: With two noses!

CROW: Gee, I got a licorice.

TOM: I got a candy bar.

JOEL: I got a rock.

CROW: At six and one quarter percent interest.

TOM: It does?

CROW: "I don't think that SWATbot was really broken."

TOM: New Dark Air. Oxygen with a fresh coat of shellac.

JOEL: He'd have to watch out for salt water.

CROW: Completely worthless information absolutely unrelated to anything
anyone here cared about, but still information nevertheless.

TOM: On a pogo stick.

JOEL: It's in the wood. Just follow the grain.

TOM: [ Singing ] Fox gets in your eyes...

JOEL: Quack.

TOM: [ As Sandra ] "Although there's much merit in it, "Rhoda" is
just too touchy-feely for my tastes."

CROW: She could have saved herself the trouble if she just read the
story up to now.

JOEL: Want to take a break, guys?

TOM: Sure.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL ] JOEL, CROW are working on some kind of elaborate gadget; they
have various equipment as appropriate scattered around the desk.

JOEL: Okay, now, we'll need to wire the Egan compensator just past
the Herriman locator...

CROW: Right, right, and don't forget the Feynman renormalization
block just after the phase-inverse mirror...

JOEL: Reflecting the Mitchell tachypomp-generated ray...
[ TOM walks in ]

TOM: Hi guys. What's up?

JOEL: Oh, hi, Tom. We got an idea from the storyline...we're trying
to build a gadget that will pluck a version of Dr. Forrester from the
past and bring him up here.

CROW: That way he'll figure out a way down--

JOEL: And we can follow!

TOM: Hey, neat. And vaguely evil, too.

JOEL: Sort of...but it's out of strict need.

CROW: Yeah. We'll return him back to the past, unless that would
require work or something.

TOM: But what if you can't? Then he won't be there to send Joel
here into orbit, and then he won't build us, and we'll never exist!

CROW: Hey! Joel, are you trying to get rid of us?

JOEL: No, no, of course not. Remember basic time-travel logic: if you
did something that would cause you never to be created, Crow, then that
would create a paradox.

CROW: Okaaaay...

JOEL: And the Universe doesn't allow paradoxes.

CROW: Uh-huh...

JOEL: So whatever we do, history will be sculpted so that you can be
here and building this time machine.

CROW: Oh! I see. So whatever happens, my existence is secured!

JOEL: Me too, yeah.

TOM: [ Slightly worried ] Hey, guys, uh...can I help with the time
machine thingy?

CROW: [ Taunting ] I don't know...we're pretty near done...

TOM: C'mon, can I paint it or something?

JOEL: Aw, of course you can, Tom. Here you go. [ Attaches screwdriver
to TOM's hand. ] Now, there's a loose circuit board in there; just
secure it in a little bit and then your work on this will guarantee
that you're safe.
[ TOM pokes the screwdriver in. ]

CROW: And we're done!

JOEL: Uh-huh...test routines are running.

TOM: Are we 'go'?

JOEL: In a minute or so.
[ Some waiting ]

CROW: Hey, Joel, what you said about history resculpting itself to
avoid paradoxes...

JOEL: Yeah?

CROW: Any idea what might happen?

JOEL: None. I guess anything that doesn't actually break the laws of
physics may happen.
[ A light blinks and the machine 'bing's. ]
JOEL: Here we go!

TOM: Oooh, let me...

JOEL: Just press the button on the side there...
[ TOM hits the gadget on the side. Machine immediately blows up. When
the smoke clears TOM is nowhere to be seen. ]

CROW: Huh.

JOEL: Well.

CROW: I guess that's one way.
[ TOM staggers up, nastily broken. ]

TOM: [ Groans ]

JOEL: What happened, Tom?

TOM: It was like...remember the end sequences in 2001?

CROW: Sure.

JOEL: Yeah.

TOM: Nothing at all like that. It was more like the opening sequence
from "Monday Night Football."
[ Commercial sign flashes ]

JOEL: You poor boy... [ Pats TOM. ] We'll be right back.

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

[ BREAK ]

CROW: Though he preferred to be called "Bootsie."

JOEL: With special movie posters to decorate the place.

TOM: I think that sentence is in an alternate reality.

JOEL: Pepsi: The choice of a generation trapped in another dimension.

CROW: A-waka-chika-waka-chika

TOM: In the shadows?

JOEL: It's Howard Borden!

CROW: Not that funny.

JOEL: [ Singing ] There's a dummy in the shadows, Dear Martha, Dear
Martha...

TOM: I'm not, but...

CROW: OUCHIE! That's hot.

JOEL: Oh, just like Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

TOM: Only not.

JOEL: Into the unlit room?

TOM: It's night.

CROW: In case you missed her description.

JOEL: It would've been quicker if she walked.

TOM: Also a gulf of sociopolitical ideals.

CROW: Hominid hominid hominid...

JOEL: To the moon, pal.

CROW: Vogue it!

TOM: Humans are all the fashion in Robotropolis this spring.

JOEL: And earned an 8.9 from the judges.

CROW: In response.

TOM: Mrrrowl!

JOEL: While I was breaking and entering.

JOEL: He had remembered to read the script for the scenes he was in.

TOM: "Well, don't you *ever* bow at me like that again, missy."

CROW: [ As Ryan ] I am just *so* decadent at times.

JOEL: New World Wide Web search engine!

TOM: No, I think you have me confused with someone else...oh, wait,
I mean...

JOEL: Don't be mean. You're insulting a real person there.

CROW: Yeah, but that was like over a whole paragraph ago. We can't
remember everything.

JOEL: He'd get another one but can't figure out how to make this

one's clock stop blinking 12:00.

CROW: Also entering sweepstakes...

TOM: Changing his long distance telephone carrier...

JOEL: Even forming primitive riffs on Star Trek fanfics.

CROW: Though it was easier just to give actual information.

TOM: This judgment was overturned on appeal.

ALL: [ Shaking ] Trifle trifle trifle trifle trifle!

CROW: Is that mutual respect in your pocket, or...

JOEL: Wanna...mutually respect each other?

TOM: We have some wonderful parting gifts for you, and thanks for
playing!

CROW: [ Nerdy voice ] Ow! That hurts!

JOEL: Well, evil, by original affiliation, but...

TOM: It's a split-level hut, did we mention that?

JOEL: My door?

CROW: This story's in third person first person omniscient limited.

TOM: "You have a door around here?"

JOEL: Hey! It's Quickie Koala!

CROW: Personal lives are tightly regulated here, you know.

TOM: Hey! We were gonna mutually respect!

JOEL: Almost.

TOM: Well, she really likes Jerry from Gym class, but won't be in
the same room as Minnie from History.

CROW: I can pass her a note in Intro French.

JOEL: She has such a weird sense of humor.

TOM: Insisted on giving all her answers as charades.

CROW: She just broke in, admitted herself to be a spy, said she
had no loyalties to anyone but herself, and sneaked out, after all.

JOEL: I can tell even though I don't know a thing about your conversation.

TOM: Darn these gas station maps.

CROW: Punch line coming in!

CROW: Ooh! They nailed that one.

JOEL: It's the one with the mailbox that reads "Sally" on it.

TOM: [ As Sally ] "Did you enjoy your mutual respecting, young man?"

JOEL: Whole lot of smiling going on these days.

TOM: In the part of the story we're not writing.

JOEL: There's an Orwell joke in here somewhere, it's just not coming
to me.

CROW: Final Jeopardy.

ALL: White Castle run!

CROW: They just can't do wide fields right here.

TOM: Ensign Nameless, Security Guard Deadmeat, and Security Chief
Anonymous.

JOEL: His shoes still squeaked.

CROW: New humans do that?

JOEL: Oh, sure.

TOM: He might get publicly snubbed.

CROW: Like rumors.

TOM: And what's wrong with androids?

JOEL: Since that's the only way I'll get a line here.

CROW: Robotnik's doing stuff without his own knowledge?

TOM: Well, maybe they're all robots without their own knowledge.

JOEL: "Hey, Bookshire, did you hear some guy talking back there?"

CROW: I have a proof, but it's too large for the margin here.

CROW: They were necking.

TOM: Oh, it's a Sonic The Hedgehog production of "Monty Python And
The Holy Grail."

JOEL: Depends what kind of things.

CROW: Winky.

JOEL: Aw, we're not a group. Just a bunch.

CROW: Once more.

JOEL: And wondered what the heck he was doing on Babylon 5 all of
a sudden.

TOM: Possibly a raccoon.

JOEL: Or a walrus.

CROW: Or...not.

TOM: She had little choice as the planet was too small to allow for
any other geography.

JOEL: She had to find the house with the mailbox that said, "Probably
A Traitor But We Can't Prove It Yet."

CROW: His second nose.

TOM: It was the one with the fresh aluminum siding.

CROW: He was?

JOEL: Don't be mean, now...we're looking at somebody projecting
his self-image in here. I don't want to hurt anybody's ego.

TOM: That son of a daughter stole my wallet!

JOEL: You know, she actually does stop in her tracks.

CROW: All this mutual respect is going to lead to rock and roll, I
just know it.

TOM: Mobius: The smilingest planet in any dimension.

JOEL: "To my biggest fan, thanks a lot, signed Robbie the Robot..."

TOM: I'm getting interference from a Geordi and Data scene.

TOM, CROW: Whew!

JOEL: Excuse me, where's the little android's room?

CROW: Budgets just ruin all the good scenes.

TOM: Budget on a fanfic?

JOEL: It's a level 3 Revell/Monogram kit...those are so tricky.

TOM: Oh, I know. I tried building a level 3 Apollo spaceship Command and
Service Module, it took me like two years before I was done.

JOEL: Well, you probably could've done it in half the time if your arms
worked.

TOM: Even though there isn't any good reason to think he will.

CROW: "This book report is on 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,'
a book written by the author, Mark Twain, on his writing of it..."

JOEL: I *like* string.

CROW: But he really wants to be a fireman. Who's also a baseball player.

JOEL: Sonic is the best insurance agent we ever had.

TOM: Characterization!

CROW: A wedgie.

JOEL: He makes the coolest ashtrays, and he's really good with
making bows out of ribbons.

CROW: The Trekkie?

TOM: But you'll have to buy the next four at regular club prices.

TOM: This sentence brought to you by "Conjunction Junction."

CROW: That slapped him in the face.

TOM: ThunderCat Cheetara!

JOEL: That's "pal" to you.

CROW: She found out you put the stink bomb in the teachers' lounge.

TOM: I wasn't paying attention either.

JOEL: Three to five, for malicious mischief.

TOM: His door was on the second floor.

CROW: I could alphabetize my socks...could gold-plate the cat...hm...

JOEL: And bumped into it with his nose.

JOEL: Oh.

TOM: He's too clever to fall for that.

CROW: Quick, too.

CROW: Which was much faster than him on the 100 meter sprints.

TOM: Excitement is made of concrete?

CROW: Oh, uh, you got something on your...ew, that's gross...

JOEL: Mutually respect him.

CROW: Sit! Good boy. Here's a Scooby-Snack.

TOM: Bisquick.

CROW: Moving heavy furniture.

TOM: They're having a war?

CROW: Well, they said something about it, sorta.

JOEL: Maybe they just hold it on weekends.

CROW: Is it true what they say about fur-less primates?

TOM: Huh?

JOEL: I think we just broke continuity.

CROW: Just in case somebody reads this story and later ends up
being transported to Mobius and wants to fake being a freedom fighter?

JOEL: Well, transport to Mobius has happened at least twice, from
what this story says.

TOM: Unless Kris did this same trick.

CROW: Did pick up the story's pace, though.

TOM: True. Maybe we're about to hit plot.

JOEL: No hogging the peanut butter, and, like, don't be a traitor,
okay?

CROW: Which were down.

TOM: I have frowny feet.

JOEL: At his nose.

TOM: [ As Ryan ] What questions? All I got was this little
authorial intrusion.

JOEL: But apparently just showing up one day out of nowhere is
all it takes, really.

CROW: Ryan's got halogen nostrils.

JOEL: It saves energy, really.

TOM: Hey! Who got shout all over my feet?

JOEL: It *is* the smilingest planet in existence.

TOM: I want you to return my videos to the store.

CROW: But we really don't care about any of the people we're sending out.

JOEL: We don't like him, either.

TOM: The Half-a-Kain.

JOEL: He left me a chewed-up rat carcass this morning as a gift.

CROW: Well, more like he doesn't seem to not tell anyone his name.

JOEL: It's a mystery to me, too.

TOM: That way you won't have a chance of being prepared.

CROW: You're to be captured, and then killed--oh, wait, forget I
said that--

JOEL: Our cable TV is down.

TOM: Charles the Hedgehog?

CROW: Sorry, Charlie. We only roboticize the *best* hedgehogs.

CROW: Oh.

CROW: www-dot-robotnik-dot-org.

JOEL: Oh...yeah, guard, whatever.

CROW: Crystal Light.

TOM: I believe in *me*.

[ ALL get up and start leaving. ]

JOEL: Hi there. You may have wondered just what questions Sally did
ask of Ryan to make him become a freedom fighter. We did, too, and
here's our best guess.

[ JOEL moves off to the side. CROW comes up and talks with TOM. ]

CROW: Hey, bud. Sal wants to talk to you.

TOM: Seriously? Wow! I have a chance, don't I?

CROW: Can't say for sure, but hurry up.

[ They walk over to in front of the doors and meet GYPSY. ]

GYPSY: Sit, please.

[ TOM, CROW look at each other, shrug, and stand where they are. ]

GYPSY: I can see a mix of determination and hope in your eyes.

TOM, CROW: Thank you.

GYPSY: No, I mean Ryan.

CROW: Am I Ryan?

GYPSY: Which one of you is Ryan?

TOM: I am.

GYPSY: Ah, good. Now: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Nintendo
owner?

TOM: No.

GYPSY: Do you have any idea what happened to that Bill Murray movie
that was supposed to come out sometime last fall, about him having
to move an elephant across the country in five days?

TOM: No idea.

GYPSY: Have you ever clipped out a "B.C." comic strip and taped it
to the wall of your cubicle at work?

TOM: I don't have a cubicle at work.

GYPSY: Canadian Smarties or U.S. M&Ms?

TOM: Canadian Smarties.

GYPSY: What's the major difference between "The Funky Phantom" and
"The Sunshine Kids with Butch Cassidy"?

TOM: Nobody cares.

GYPSY: Where does the word "dollar" come from?

TOM: It comes from the Dutch name of the coins minted in the 16th
century at the Joachimsthal area mine; they were called Joachimsthalers,
shortened to thalers and then dalers, which was a convenient and
familiar name when the U.S. got to establishing its currency.

GYPSY: Have you ever had an impure thought about cartoon characters?

TOM: Yes.

GYPSY: Which ones?

TOM: Velma, from Scooby Doo; Wonder Woman, in the episode where
Myxtlplk turned her into a lion-woman; and the Warner Brothers
cartoons' Witch Hazel.

CROW: Witch Hazel? Really?

TOM: Yeah. She's got *style*.

GYPSY: Weird. Okay, a one thousand dollar loan is taken out for two
years at seven percent interest, compounded monthly. How much interest
will accrue over the life of the loan?

TOM: One hundred and forty-nine dollars and eighty-one cents,
approximately.

GYPSY: Well, Ryan, that was the last question. I just want you to
promise me two things.

TOM: What's that, Sally?

GYPSY: Don't be disappointed... [ TOM looks down ] And, Ryan?

TOM: Yes?

GYPSY: Don't tell anyone these questions...I don't want you giving
hints on how to become a Freedom Fighter.

TOM: [ Jumping up as best TOM can ] ALL RIGHT! I made it!
[ Movie sign starts flashing. ]

CROW, TOM: YEAAAAAAH! Movie sign! AAAA!

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

CROW: In the morning.

JOEL: Maybe he has been roboticized.

TOM: I'll never see my wide field again!

JOEL: He needs to switch to thoughts with fewer abrasives.

CROW: Not that I've tried in the slightest bit.

JOEL: I haven't needed to pee in a week!

TOM: What memories?

CROW: Hold up! Dependent clause police here. Show your license.

CROW: Kitty!

JOEL: A little.

TOM: The city librarians. His books were over two years overdue.

JOEL: That we can't even begin to summarize for those who missed it.

TOM: It was large and bumpy, with a soft peach fuzz, and he
called it "Foo-Foo."

CROW: Well, sounds like they've done an incredible amount of
training and preparation for this mission.

CROW: Which was strangely indistinguishable from the edge of the tiny
village.

TOM: "Down."

JOEL: Oh, wait...I'm supposed to do something, right? I knew it.

TOM: Probably remember that, or something.

JOEL: Even though they go to the same guy every time.

CROW: Drink your Ovaltine!

TOM: Almost a spot.

JOEL: At least a bit. Maybe even a good while.

TOM: Are you thinking at me? Are you thinking at me?

CROW: It's my two noses, isn't it?

TOM: Know any hiking songs?

JOEL: [ As Kain ] "I thought it was more of a dot, myself."

TOM: It was fun. He'd have to try that again someday.

CROW: Not in this fanfic.

JOEL: So we'll have to take a bus out of Toronto instead.

CROW: Let me guess--Ryan's going to smile.

JOEL: Well called.

TOM: Oh, like that was so hard.

CROW: Fortunately, the pace had those little luggage wheels on it.

TOM: Oooh...

JOEL: Yes, we have narrative technique.

CROW: Good to hear.

TOM: Even though it was.

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: Oh, that was lighthearted, for those reading along at home.

TOM: She'd instead have pizzas sent to your house at random
intervals all night long.

CROW: Started, actually.

CROW: [ Leaning against JOEL ] You're so comforting.

JOEL: [ Patting CROW ] Want to mutually respect?

CROW: What kind of human do you think I am?

JOEL: If you didn't know, I'm not speaking to you.

TOM: Oh, sure, do what I say, not what I do...

CROW: To me not talking.

JOEL: Might vacuum us.

CROW: No doubt smiling as he did.

TOM: Well, except for training.

CROW: And weapons.

JOEL: And a plan.

CROW: Yup, that's maintenance for you.

CROW: Hey!

TOM: What do you mean, 'even'?

JOEL: Stupid results...if I'd just studied a little longer...maybe I
can get an extension on the class project...

TOM: Would be too much trouble to even think about looking for.

JOEL: Extraterrestrials have landed in Grovers Mills, New Jersey!

TOM: Way to weave, guys.

CROW: Hit his head on the ceiling. Ow!

TOM: What, he's going to wait for them to get into prison cells
all by themselves?

JOEL: I can never figure out these subway maps...go ask somebody
which way Rockefeller Center is.

CROW: Yup, this quiet's so thick you can hardly see through it.

JOEL: Tourist.

TOM: If you see some kitty litter, please say something.

CROW: Ryan looked up and got a sprinkling of quiet in his eyes.

JOEL: [ As Kain ] "I am? Oh, boy...do I win something?"

TOM: Got dizzy and fell down.

JOEL: That's showing him, Ryan! He won't mess with you anymore.

TOM: Not that you have the slightest reason to answer me.

CROW: I didn't ask who we were, you big silly.

TOM: No, that's my dad...we're always getting each other's phone
messages, too.

CROW: [ Nerdly voice ] Uh, she's more of a nickel and dime spy, sir.

JOEL: But, darned it, she's got tenure so we can't do anything about her.

TOM: That pi is actually a transcendental number?

CROW: Dag-rab it! That always works for Captain Kirk.

CROW: You have two noses!

TOM: Joel, make him stop.

TOM: Now, how could he remember that?

JOEL: [ As Ryan ] "I couldn't get a date."

CROW: Way to be a hero, Eric!

JOEL: Maybe they shouldn't have called ahead.

TOM: [ Whistles ] Here, voice. Here, voice voice voice.

CROW: "Oh, oh, I'm allergic, stop being feline."

TOM: With an enchanting Manx he knew from his old apartment building.

ALL: Yick!

ALL: Whew.

ALL: Ick!

JOEL: Obi-Wan.

TOM: By peaches.

CROW: "Oh yeah? Well you're a me-me!"

JOEL: You conquer here often?

TOM: By the smile.

CROW: Sticks and stones...

JOEL: Nyah-nyah!

TOM: You big boogerhead!

JOEL: I'll just sit on his face while he sleeps.

CROW: After that.

TOM, CROW: Yay!

JOEL: We're still trying to get a plot here.

TOM: Well...

JOEL: Don't be mean.

CROW: At least we're making good time.

TOM: Smiling.

JOEL: I love what you've done with your sentence structure.

TOM: "Hey, they left the door open."

JOEL: I really like walnuts, you know?

TOM: We're blaming ourselves, not each other.

CROW: Didn't you read the first paragraph?

JOEL: Good thing he explained Mister Congeniality was Packbell and
not one of the many other characters from Robotropolis we've met.

CROW: Well, you did, actually.

TOM: He's still up after his bedtime and awfully snappy.

JOEL: Don't most bad guys just let the good guys go, anyway?

CROW: I sense traces of incoming irony...

TOM: [ As Packbell ] "I so want to slap them."

JOEL: Come to wonderful Smile Planet.

CROW: If I steal all their Christmas things, maybe Christmas won't
come at all!

ALL: Huh?

TOM: Yet profound in its stupidity.

CROW: Incomplete thought theater.

JOEL: Ryan or Packbell?

CROW: No it wasn't.

TOM: Except for the main characters, who never fall for stunts
like this.

JOEL: Wouldn't that make them more wary, actually?

TOM: [ As Packbell ] Okay, I'm going to leave the door open here
and turn around...now I don't want the human running out and going
through the door marked "Emergency Exit," okay? Understand that?
Just the human.

CROW: An angle can be trisected with straightedge and compass if one is
allowed to make marks on the straightedge's surface!

JOEL: I doubt Ryan.

CROW: Wow, four "D" cells.

TOM: Good thing he knows he doesn't have any tracking devices on him.

CROW: [ Singing quickly ] The hills are alive...

TOM: So he's dead?

JOEL: Not this far from the climax of the story.

CROW: No more of this wearing his sneakers on his hands for him!

TOM: But was really just a long while.

JOEL: Six Flags over Great Forest--for all your fun wilderness
activities!

CROW: He got through the parking lot.

TOM: By what?

JOEL: You should have thought of that before you left, mister.

CROW: All three of them?

TOM: No, we're this way!

JOEL: Hey!

CROW: Over here!

JOEL: Here! Right here, come on.

CROW: Down.

TOM: Unconscious.

TOM: Loudonville, New York.

CROW: Looking lookfully at the lookables.

TOM: Or maybe to get a snack.

CROW: Ed Koch!

CROW: I was right.

TOM: And was here to provide us with the moral of our story.

JOEL: Hey, you want to turn up the thermostat on your look?

JOEL: Robot--

JOEL: He's in--

JOEL: He's--

JOEL: Yeah, but--

JOEL: Packb--

JOEL: Listen--

JOEL: No, he's--

TOM: Relax, I just left him behind to be executed is all. Oh, wait,
wrong thing to say...

CROW: Mauve pants with a yellow shirt? What were you thinking?

TOM: [ As Ryan ] "Well, I was up rehearsing my lines all night."

CROW: Actually, I do want to disrespect.

JOEL: And he's clever, and quick!

TOM: Maybe even from Winnipeg.

CROW: It's an orthonormal vector space, ma'am.

JOEL: Is it night already?

TOM: Who? Oh, me. Sorry.

JOEL: You are a traitor?

TOM: You dropped your smile!

CROW: In continuation.

TOM: Appleton, Wisconsin. There, see, we do know.

CROW: Actually, it's just your personality.

JOEL: "We shall sail to the New World...We will call our ship the
Mayflower."

TOM: You can get a great tasting, less filling beer!

JOEL: How Lockean.

TOM: Probably.

CROW: Wait! Hold up!

TOM: You're going the--No, turn--

JOEL: It's the other way--

CROW: Turn--Other way!

JOEL: Wrong way!

TOM: Oh well.

JOEL: He touched me first!

CROW: To the back.

TOM: Fudge.

CROW: In continuation.

TOM: Ew...Opossum boogers.

JOEL: I kind of resent that.

TOM: Who we foolishly thought was standing next to her.

CROW: Hepburn and Tracey...Sally and a monotreme.

TOM: What embarrassment?

JOEL: He's the only one who knows the secret of Red October.

TOM: [ Starts getting up. JOEL helps him ]

CROW: Or not.

JOEL: So, uh, guys...do you find anything about this fanfic eerily
familiar?

CROW: Nope.

TOM: Not a bit.

JOEL: Nothing at all in the setup or anything?

CROW: Just your usual "I get to be on my favorite show" fanfic.

TOM: Yeah. This is the standard plotline for a person utilizing
the manipulation of fictional worlds as a mechanism for compensating
for feelings of alienation and mild dissociative personality disorders
in a relatively harmless and technically creative outlet.

JOEL: Okay, but...I mean, the premise...here's a poor guy who's just
going about his life when all of a sudden he's cast off into an
unfamiliar, alien world surrounded by nonhuman lifeforms...the only
other members of his species are some far-off, profoundly evil mad
doctor and his craven, inept assistant...
[ CROW, TOM consider ]

CROW: Nope.

TOM: Doesn't ring a bell, Joel.
[ Communication sign flashes ]

JOEL: Oh, we're getting a communication--Cambot, put it up on the hex
field view screen!
[ Hex field view screen opens. PACKBELL is inside. ]

PACKBELL: Doctor Robotnik: I regret to report--

JOEL: Uh, pardon me, pardon me...sir, you have the wrong number.

PACKBELL: Oh, do I? My apologies.

CROW: Hey, you're Packbell, aren't you?

PACKBELL: Affirmative.
[ PACKBELL looks JOEL over. ]
PACKBELL: What are you doing, non-roboticized? I distinctly remember not
missing any humans.
[ CROW, TOM start whispering to one another. ]

JOEL: Oh, I, uh, had a medical excuse. I can get you a note from my
doctor if you like...

PACKBELL: I see. That won't be necessary; I'm sure it's in your permanent
record, human.
[ CROW snickers. ]
PACKBELL: Do you have something to share with the rest of the satellite,
Mister...

CROW: [ Meeker than usual ] Crow, sir.

PACKBELL: Mister Crow. Would you care to share what you and your friend
find so fascinating?

CROW: Uh...no, I'm sorry...
[ JOEL tosses the paper airplane towards TOM. ]

PACKBELL: Hey! None of that, Mister, or I'll have you stay and clean the
chalkboards.

JOEL: [ Humbled ] Oh, uh, sorry, Mister Packbell.

PACKBELL: That's better. Now, can anyone tell me who was the mission
commander on Gemini VI? Yes, you, the red one, can you tell me?

TOM: Uh...Abraham Lincoln.
[ JOEL, CROW laugh. ]

PACKBELL: Very funny. Once more, and a real answer this time or I'll...
[ GYPSY walks in, chewing. ]

GYPSY: Hey, guys, I found some gum, do you--

PACKBELL: Do you have a late note, Miss?

GYPSY: [ Very embarrassed ] Uhm...no...

PACKBELL: [ Angry ] Are you chewing gum?

GYPSY: Uhm...yes...

PACKBELL: Did you bring enough for the entire class?

GYPSY: Yeah, that's
why I came down here...

PACKBELL: [ Shaken ] You...did? I've never...in all my thirty years at
this level [ shaking worse ] no student has ever...I mean... [ begins
sputtering ]

JOEL: [ Tapping the communications sign. ] We'll see you tomorrow,
Mister Packbell.

PACKBELL: Wait! Don't forget... to read chapter 10, sections 3 and 4
and do problems...
[ Closes up in the hex field view screen ]

CROW: That was strange.

JOEL: Yet...eerily familiar.
[ Commercial sign starts flashing ]

TOM: Hey, Gypsy, the gum?

GYPSY: Oh yeah, here. [ Opens her mouth wide. ] Take some!

JOEL: We'll be right back.
[ JOEL taps commercial sign. ]

[ BREAK ]

TOM: The left half ran, the right half walked.

CROW: He felt like he was going in circles the whole time.

JOEL: [ As Ryan ] Oh, this plan is so *clever*.

TOM: The security guards had all been in the "special" program in
guard school.

CROW: A wide field.

JOEL: [ As Ryan ] "Aw, not *again*!"

TOM: Neptune Township, New Jersey.

CROW: Well, more of a cubicle, really...Evil's downsizing this year.

JOEL: For doing the job he was there to do.

TOM: Spitting in his milk.

CROW: Actually, he volunteered, as I recall.

TOM: No fair!

CROW: Boo!

JOEL: Way to be alert, Ryan.

CROW: He called it "Luke."

JOEL: Who's Todd?

TOM: I think we're supposed to read another fanfic.

CROW: Has trouble with compound sentences.

JOEL: 'Cause he was kind of buzzed, really, and didn't want to do much.

CROW: By getting trapped again?

CROW: Around.

TOM: And behind.

JOEL: He was putting cheese in the pizza crust!

CROW: A defenseless chipmunk.

TOM: As opposed to in someone else's mind?

JOEL: Dave Coulier!

TOM: Take away the shadows and the smiling and the story would be
fifteen pages.

JOEL: Take away our comments, too.

CROW: She's quite good at definitely knowing likely stuff.

ALL: [ Make chewing noises ]

CROW: How could we tell?

JOEL: If they're all robots, why do they need air ducts?

CROW: We...uh...collect it.

JOEL: Oh, I see.

TOM: [ As Sandra ] "I have *got* to get an elevator key."

CROW: I think physically counts more, though.

TOM: Nummy-kins!

JOEL: Well...us.
[ ALL turn around. ]

CROW: Hello?

CROW: The door was happy that Ryan trusted it so much.

JOEL: [ As Ryan ] "The villains here really do have the intelligence
of dehydrated oatmeal!"

CROW: [ As door ] Oh, *thank* you, Ryan.

TOM: A potholder! And a keen wallet, too!

JOEL: We would never have guessed it even existed.

TOM: [ As Ryan ] "I don't know. You figured it out, Mister Smarty-pants."

JOEL: Bad head! Bad, bad head!

CROW: He kissed me. I liked it. A lot.

TOM: Sally's plan?

JOEL: Packbell's plan?

CROW: Sandra's plan?

JOEL: If you hadn't escaped off-camera like that maybe we could've
thought of something..

CROW: I probably wouldn't have understood it. I mean, what kind of
villain just lets somebody go?

TOM: Just look how successful it was this way!

CROW: Oh, just press the space bar when the computer says that.

JOEL: Got a chill. Too much air conditioning.

TOM: Another comet?

CROW: For twenty minutes straight. It felt strangely pleasurable.

JOEL: Which familiar dark face is it *this* time?

TOM: What key? Huh?

JOEL: The feline unlocked Eric?

TOM: Why not?

CROW: It's a more interesting conversationalist, and a better person
than you are. Get the point, Ryan? Well?

TOM: And no fair asking how I know anything about that rock, by the
way.

JOEL: [ Stands up, mimes tossing a basketball into Ryan's mouth. ]

CROW: Well, meteor, actually.

JOEL: Technically, it'd be a meteorite now.

TOM: You sure it's not a meteoroid?

JOEL: No, no, it's a meteoroid when it's in the atmosphere. It's a
meteorite when it hits the ground.

CROW: Oh.

TOM: Live and learn, huh?

JOEL: Even though I didn't notice it at the time.

CROW: Except for my underwear.

TOM: And some laundry detergent, actually.

CROW: BONK!

TOM: Look out! It'll green you.

JOEL: Betrayed by adventurine quartz!

CROW: What?

TOM: Huh?

JOEL: It's green.

CROW: Both of them.

JOEL: Your Gold Bond's in my Ovaltine!

TOM: Your Ovaltine's in my Gold Bond!

CROW: If Woody had gone straight to the police, this would never
have happened.

CROW: Yay!

TOM: Oh, *cool*.

CROW: That's awesome.

JOEL: Yeah, you did forget.

CROW: But I left you a memo.

TOM: You should have checked your email before you left.

JOEL: Aw, now I feel like such a goof...

TOM: He's got a double heaping of smug.

JOEL: He'll get his comeuppance, you just watch.

CROW: What really makes this story for me is the precise sense of
space we get.

JOEL: Chekhov to the n-th power.

TOM: Well, it is consistent with the way you've been thinking so far.

ALL: [ Jumping back ] Yaaah!

CROW: You...you...*you*, you!

JOEL: It's your story. Don't you know?

TOM: Weird time to meditate, but, hey, whatever works.

JOEL: I am so glad Freud didn't live to see this concept.

CROW: Wait a minute...Wouldn't the recoil from a laser strong enough
to knock over Packbell also knock Ryan over?

JOEL: It's just fanfic, Crow. You really should relax.

TOM: Yeah, we've finally got some zapping and blasting stuff
going on.

CROW: True, true.

TOM: It had been nearly two minutes since his last smile.

CROW: Of falling for obvious traps?

JOEL: Nothing matches the excitement of built-in welding equipment.

TOM: Tell me about it.

CROW: Amen to that.

JOEL: [ Looks at them in turn ]

JOEL: In case they ever need to weld a pipe into low orbit.

CROW: Which was fortunately labeled as such in a language he
understood.

TOM: And over the river, to grandmother's house.

TOM: Just imagine the practical jokes you could play with that thingy.

CROW: Yeah, and like I heard cats love chasing a laser beam around.

JOEL: From all that heavy smiling.

TOM: Way to be the hero, Sonic.

CROW: He really *was* Walter M. Schirra, Jr.

JOEL: He was one of the writers for the New "Land Of The Lost."

TOM: Is that in wolf-years or human-years?

JOEL: Garg. Ten seconds as a wolf and I've already got fleas.

CROW: I feel pretty!

TOM: You'll have to narrow down what you mean by "Okay."

CROW: For one thing, you've just gotten a second nose.

TOM: [ Moving in CROW's direction ] Let me at him!

JOEL: [ Pushing TOM back ] Play nice, now.

CROW: And smiled.

JOEL: They didn't say that.

CROW: Yeah, but they're thinking it.

TOM: This is just going to wreck my pants.

JOEL: Oh, so it's a temperamental magic rock.

CROW: It's coming. I know it.

JOEL: There, there. [ Pats CROW. ]

CROW: "I'm not stupid. You're stupid. You stupid stupid-head."

JOEL: He's a ventriloquist!

TOM: [ With CROW's mouth moving ] Throw your voice! Fool your friends!

CROW: There is just so much demand for rocks that can transport people
to other dimensions so you can turn them into wolves for a minute or two.

TOM: He must not be a welding robot.

JOEL: Probably didn't take shop classes.

CROW: Roboticize all the body parts with three or more vowels in them.

JOEL: Why? What's he done?

TOM: He went in, was captured immediately, was let go, and brought
the enemy's greatest hero back with him to be captured.

TOM: Oh, yeah.

CROW: I've counted on it so many times...

JOEL: [ Packbell, "fumbling" with his voice ] I'm really going to
kill you right away...hang on, these lasers...aw, man, I left the
safety...don't move, now...don't want to mess this up...rats, I
dropped the thingy...could you hold on still?

JOEL: You know, if you don't move that kind of robot can't see you.

TOM: We'll have to mark you off for that, Mister Packbell...I hope
you bring your notebook tomorrow.

CROW: Huh.

JOEL: Now that's just good thinking, really.

CROW: "Wait, didn't we have a mission or something?"

JOEL: "Who knows?"

TOM: And the plans for the Imperial Death Star.

CROW: Yeah, we know.

JOEL: Love someone else!

CROW: The cardinality of the set of prime numbers must be countably
infinite!

TOM: [ Sniffs ] And we were doing so well...Now what will that
worthless marriage counselor suggest?

CROW: Which is in the uptown section of Robotropolis.

JOEL: It's good that the author narrowed down the building materials
like that.

TOM: In him, or in the wall?

TOM: A select committee of the town's aldermen.

CROW: Resentful and embittered.

TOM: Isn't that normal? Don't they often hang from trees?

JOEL: You were a treacherous, traitorous, cruel deceptive scumbag.

CROW: But you didn't say that.

JOEL: Well, I'm going to get around to it later today.

CROW: Does anyone in this story do anything else, ever?

TOM: Oh, and I dug a snake pit outside your front door. Don't, like,
die in it or anything.

CROW: Well, yes I am, but I want to have something to hold over you
for the rest of your life and this is easy.

TOM: And what are the odds of that happening? At least in this
particular fanfic.

CROW: Particularly as long as he doesn't have a name or a description.

JOEL: That he was secretly aiding the evil Doctor Robotnik in his plans
to conquer Mobius?

CROW: Get the moral, little unnamed one? Huh? Well?

TOM: [ As opossum ] Well, excuse me, I want to go beat up helpless
babies and small children now. Pardon. Pardon.

TOM: BONK!

JOEL: Ouchie!

CROW: Can I be more condescending to you?

JOEL: "Now where'd he go..." [ Looking up ] "Oh!"

JOEL: Didn't they meet back in Part 2?

TOM: I sure thought so.

CROW: Air filters?

JOEL: Yeah, well, Sonic's a blabbermouth.

CROW: In for a spanking!

JOEL: I guess it depends on the plot necessities.

CROW: "No, I've got so many better things to do."

TOM: Pathetic little attention-desperate nobody...

JOEL: Who did?

TOM: What?

CROW: In his heart he was really a kinkajou, though.

TOM: Or possibly paws--we're not paying attention either, folks.

CROW: Oh, that. Massive paper cut.

TOM: Except that every now and again he vaporized the furniture.

CROW: Upgrade to System 7.5.5.

TOM: I always used to spend to much time looking for welding
equipment, but now...

CROW: To who?

TOM: Yes, we can back him up: that's for welding purposes only.

TOM: If it wasn't for the human, Packbell couldn't have screwed up
nearly as much as he actually had.

CROW: Packbell?

TOM: Awfully inefficient threat, then.

JOEL: Not even backgammon?

TOM: "Let me see, is there anybody to smile at here?"

CROW: Ah, a well-concealed secret village.

TOM: [ Singing ] Of silence...

CROW: [ Singing ] Hello, father.

JOEL: He just knew the dramatic style of the story.

CROW: Also he was the author.

JOEL: Yeah, that'll help you through the tough parts of a story.

JOEL: Smile when you say that, partner.

CROW: He's a kangaroo?

TOM: Oh, I can imitate my twin brother Adam. Is that what you mean?

CROW: Whoa!

TOM: Hel-lo!

JOEL: I think that's as far as we want to delve into that aspect
of his superpowers.

TOM: Harder how? You're a shapeshifter. A shape's a shape.

JOEL: Sally's a squirrel?

TOM: What did you think?

JOEL: I just figured she had a big head.

TOM: You gotta watch this stuff carefully.

JOEL: Assuming that he has toes.

CROW: [ As Sandra ] I feel so mutual now.

TOM: Help! Help! My hand!

CROW: Oooh...

CROW: Baka-wow!

CROW: Oh.

JOEL: Well, it is a "G" series, after all.

TOM: Smiling.

TOM: Smiling.

JOEL: How he reconciles a tail and his clothes from Earth.

TOM: Smiling.

TOM: Smiling.

CROW: Once he figures out that hunchbacked whale morph.

TOM: Smiling.

CROW: Yay!

TOM: Whoo-hoo!

JOEL: Hang on, we'll miss the credits.

TOM: I met a morph once, but she had to go back to her planet.

CROW: Isn't that the species that provided that unlucky girl Wesley
Crusher had his big date with?

JOEL: Don't be mean, Crow.

CROW: What?

JOEL: I sorta like Wesley is all.

TOM: Humans.

CROW: Within his original species, or are we going to end up
prohibited in 22 states?

JOEL: How'd we know that without ever getting this far?

CROW: Actually, he's a rebel now, at this point.

TOM: Who cares about the other forests?

CROW: Woof! Woof!

TOM: [ At same time ] Meow! Mrrow!

JOEL: [ At same time ] Caw! Caw!

TOM: Hey, that's for welding purposes only.

CROW: Can you really say they were simultaneous if they were
separated by time and space?

TOM: And across realities, too. Wow.

JOEL: Is that the power all comets provide?

CROW: Morphine abilities?

TOM: I love you, man!

CROW: By getting captured repeatedly.

JOEL: Plus if you buy clothes in the wrong size he can just
shapeshift to fit them.

TOM: So...they're allies.

JOEL: It was more a temper tantrum, really.

CROW: And Sonic went with him.

JOEL: But he didn't know that. Doesn't count.

TOM: And these morphing abilities.

CROW: And inexplicable.

JOEL: And play really cool practical jokes.

CROW: As long as they don't notice he's twice as tall as they are.

JOEL: I'm guessing he never paid his phone bills in his former life.

TOM: In a subplot of every fanfic he ever appears in ever again.

CROW: And this time he *means* he won't hesitate.

JOEL: Now we're done.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL ] TOM, CROW have assembled a heat lamp-like gadget hanging over
a pile of vanilla sugar wafers.

CROW: I don't know, Crow...are you sure this is right? I mean, without
asking him or anything?

TOM: Of course it is! He's probably just too shy to ask us to help
himself.
[ JOEL strolls in, in front of the desk, carrying a "Richie Rich" comic
book in one hand; the other hand is below camera. ]

JOEL: Hey, Tom Servo, I wanted to thank you for letting me borrow your
comic books. I'm done with this one.

TOM: Ah, thank you...Joel, would you care for a delicious vanilla
sugar wafer?

JOEL: Oh, sure, thank you...
[ JOEL reaches in, reaches into the heat lamp's field. He shouts and
shakes his arm. ]

CROW: Ha-hah!

TOM: It worked! Joel, maybe we should have told you, but we put
those delicious vanilla sugar wafers inside a roboticizer field!

CROW: Exactly! We realized what you were trying to tell us, about
the incredible loneliness of being the only human up here and so we
wanted to help you join us in robot-ness.

JOEL: Aw, gee, I really wish you'd asked first, though...and I only
reached in with my hand so...
[ Seltzer spray comes from JOEL's hand; hits TOM, CROW. They yell a
little and run away. ]
JOEL: They're sweet, really...
[ Turns around to reveal a seltzer bottle in his lower hand and the
tube running inside his shirt and out to the nozzle in his hand. ]
JOEL: They're trying to be thoughtful.
[ Mads light flashes ]
JOEL: [ Taking a wafer and nibbling on it. ] What do you think, sirs?

[ D13 ] DR. FORRESTER, TV'S FRANK standing over the laptop. TV'S FRANK
still has the device on.

FORRESTER: Well...I imagine we'll find much, much worse for you in the
future.

TV'S FRANK: Oh, yes...after all, there's a lot of "Sonic the
Hedgehog" fanfiction we've never even seen yet!

FORRESTER: And when that's exhausted...oh, there are so many
series...like "The Transformers"...

TV'S FRANK: Or "Swat Kats"...

FORRESTER: Hmm..."Tale Spin"...

TV'S FRANK: "Tiny Toons"...

FORRESTER: "Thundarr The Barbarian"...

TV'S FRANK: "Turbo Teen"...

FORRESTER: "M*U*S*H"...

[ SOL ]

JOEL: You mean "M*A*S*H," sirs?

[ D13 ]

FORRESTER: [ Chuckling heartily ] Oh, no, no, no...I mean "M*U*S*H"...
look it up sometime...

TV'S FRANK: [ Pointing at the laptop screen ] Hey, look, it's a
"Pandamonium" fanfic!

FORRESTER: Really?

TV'S FRANK: Right there.

FORRESTER: Download it. We may have next week's experiment for
you, Joel...

TV'S FRANK: [ Presses the 'mouse' button. Again the flash and
explosion from his headset and again he passes out. ]

DR. F: I love this computer. Bye-bye. [ Presses button. ]


\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \


Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and Copyright 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. Sonic the
Hedgehog and all related characters are trademarks of and Copyright Sega,
Archie Comics, and DIC. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc, Sega,

Archie Comics, or DIC is intended or should be inferred. This MiSTing
is intended solely for personal entertainment and is not meant to be an
insult to the creators or fans of the Sonic the Hedgehog products, and
particularly not to Ryan Huber, who was awfully goodnatured about all
this. The ferret joke is from alt.fan.dave_barry, where that sort of stuff
goes on all the time. The "vole suit?" line is courtesy Rob Haynie, artist,
who takes grasshopper mice personally. The "Your Ovaltine's In My Gold Bond"
line is from the World News Now mailing list. Ask for it by name, which
happens to be the "World News Now Discussion List." Feel free to circulate
(except on Usenet), provided this notice remains intact. And according to

Mr. Huber, Bookshire was the raccoon. The walrus, of course, was Paul.