Original work by: Kurt Saxon.
Short by: Tronics.
Short by: an178355.
MiSTed by: Claye Hodge.
Created on: Tuesday, 02 May 1995.
Added on: Sunday, 20 July 2008.
| Rating | Evaluations |
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| 0 | -(0) |
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| 2 | -(0) |
| 3 | -(0) |
| 4 | -(1) |
| 5 | -(1) |
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| 7 | -(1) |
| 8 | -(0) |
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| 10 | -(0) |
Rated 5.33 with standard deviation 1.25 on 3
evaluations.
Well, here's another post from the alt.slack/AOL regular ATLANFORM, along
with a couple shorts you might have seen on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.. Here's my
e-mail address: crh222@delphi.com .. and there will be no smoking in the
theater. ENJOY!
---------------------
[Beginning Theme]
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Tom is lying on the desk. Mike is tinkering with him. Gypsy walks in.]
GYPSY: Hi Mike, whatchya doing?
TOM:[casual] Help me.
MIKE: Oh. Hi Gypsy, you remember that cartoon that used to be on TV, called
Transformers?
GYPSY: Uhhh, yeah.
MIKE: And the characters were robots, but they could change into all sorts
of stuff.. Cars.. Trucks.. Airplanes.. etc...
GYPSY: Uh huh.
MIKE: Well, since I have a couple of robots here. I'd try that theory out
to see what it would be like to have robots that did that kind of
stuff. Here's what Tom does...
TOM:[same] No. Mike, don't. Somebody stop him.
MIKE: Well you take off his head. [Mike picks up Tom, and takes Tom's head
off, but leaving the mouth part of the head on.] Then you connect this
plastic bag to where his head was. [Connects the bag.] Then you pull
apart the connection of his hoverskirt to his body. [Mike seperates
the hoverskirt from Tom's body revealing a tube connecting the
hoverskirt to his body.] I call it the Servo Suck-Up. Would you mind
helping me with a demonstration?
GYPSY: Ok.
MIKE: You see, it's a vacum. So, any dirt or trash you may have lying around
the house OR Satellite, will be a sinch to clean up. Trash please.
[Gypsy leans forward behind the desk. She makes a barfing-like noise. She
raises up.]
MIKE: Thank you. And you just turn the Servo Suck-Up on... [flips a switch.]
and all of your troubles are gone. [The bag is starting to fill up.]
TOM: Ohhh, I'm getting such a headache. I feel like my head is going to
explode. [Mike flips the switch again.]
MIKE: I also have thes add ons you can use with it. [Takes something from
behind the desk and jams it in Servo's hoverskirt.]
TOM: YEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWHOOHOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
MIKE: You can have double the cleaning power.
[Commercial sign light flashes.]
[Mike puts Servo down on the desk.]
MIKE: And here is.. [Picks up Crow from behind the desk. He is facing up and
his headpiece is backwards as if it could shade his eys.. His arms
are situated behind him. The rest of his body is straight.] what
I call the Crow Crap Collecter.
CROW: Ohhh, I'm going to be SICK.
MIKE: It's basically a refitted Pooper Scooper... Here, I'll show ya.
[Mike taps commercial sign light.]
CROW: Oh, PLEASE! NOOO!!! [Crow makes sounds like he's going to be sick.]
[Commercials]
[SOL]
[Everything is back to normal. Crow is coughing stuff up.]
CROW: Cough Cough Cough...
TOM: Mike, I hope you never try that sort of thing again.
MIKE: Ok, ok.. I'm SORRY. I didn't know it would have that much of an effect
on you two. [Mads Light flashes.] Oh look, Ren and Stimpy are calling.
[Mike taps Mads light.]
CROW:[raspy] YOU EEDIOT!!!
[D13]
DR.F: Hello, Mitchell.. Frank and I were cleaning out the basement and we
found this old invention in the corner that we have never used before.
It's a game called "What TV Character Am I". You put on a costume of
someone thats on TV and the costume is accompanied with a card,
listing several hints of your character. And you try to guess who you
are. I sent you a few costumes so we can try a round or two. We'll
go first. Frank, are you ready?
FRANK:[off screen] Yes.. can we just get on with this???
DR.F: Ok Frank. Our category is educational TV [Frank comes on screen. Dr. F
goes off-screen. Frank is dressed in a big purple outfit, with a tail
and a dinosaur head.]
FRANK: Ok.. [reading] I'm a big dinosaur.. I LOVE kids and I like to sing
and play.. Who am I? [Stops reading.] Well, I HAVE to be that big,
loveable, cute, stupid, and overly annoying Jurrasic Park reject
that every child adores. I'm Barney the Dinosaur. Big deal.. Now can
I get this costume off? It itches.
DR.F:[Off-screen and annoyed] YES. [Frank walks off screen and Dr. F walks
on screen. Dr. F is basically in the same outfit. Light green lab coat,
but no Deep 13 logo. He isn't wearing his glasses, or his tie. He IS
wearing a black wig, that has the same mad scientist concept.] Ok..
[looks at card.] I know everything there is to science. I am
intelligent, and I have a TV show on The Learning Channel.. Who am I?
[Stops reading.] Hmmm.. Well, I'm at a loss here. [The door to Deep 13
opens.. and a guy wearing a rat costume {covering the body and legs,
we can see tee-shirt sleeves poking out of the costume, the mask has
big droopy ears. It doesn't hide the face. A mouse snout is covering
the nose. (**AUTHORS NOTE- Hey kids! That's Kevin Murphy playing THIS
character!**) with his tail hanging over his shoulder}, walks towards
the screen. He raises his hand as if he's going to say something..
Pauses.. then shakes his head and walks back out of Deep 13.]
DR.F:[confused] Uhhh.. Your turn!
[SOL]
[Crow is in a pink waitress outfit, with a black wig. Tom is wearing a white
curly wig, glasses, and a dress. Mike is wearing a big red wig, and tight
spandex.]
TOM: Oh come on! Do we have to wear these dresses? I feel ridiculous!
MIKE: Of course. That's the idea, but if we play along with Dr. Forrester
he may go easy on us this week.
CROW: You DO look cute, Tom.
TOM: Oh SHUT UP!
MIKE: Ahem. Well, our category is funny females.. I'll go first. I have
two kids, a dog, and something that you COULD call, a husband. I
don't work, cook, or clean. I do eat Bon-Bons and watch Oprah. Who
am I? Hmm.. Peg Bundy. Crow, your next.
CROW: I am a waitress. I have a squeaky voice. I am VERY Klutzy. Who am I?
Uhhh... Kathy Ireland?
MIKE: Kathy Ireland isn't a waitress and she's taken voice lessons since
_Alien from LA_.
CROW: Oh.. Well, I guess I am Vira, from Alice. Next.
TOM: Ok.. I am very, very, very, very, VERY old. I had one TV series about
myself, and three other girls.. The show died. We tried to do another
show on CBS, it too, died. Who am I? Hmmm... Uhhh... I am really
stumped on this one guys. Any guesses? [Mike leans over to Tom, and
whispers something to him.]
TOM:[shocked] ESTELLE GETTY????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[Tom hurries off-screen.]
MIKE: Well, whaddya think, Sirs?
TOM:[off-screen] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[D13]
[Dr. F is adjusting his tie.]
DR.F: Ah Mike, your experiment this week is called "The Day Mars Invaded
D.C.". It was posted on alt.slack by ATLANFORM who probably has his
own _Plan 9 From Outer Space_ fan group... and to numb the pain
ATLANFORM will dish out, are a couple of shorts that were cross-
posted. Enjoy, Mulder and Scully! [Dr. F pushes the button.]
[SOL]
[Lights flashing, sounds buzzing, etc..]
ALL: AHHHHH!!! WE'VE GOT X-FILES.CREATIVE FODDER SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGN!!!!
[{}...6...5...4...3...2...@...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike puts Tom who's still wearing the
wig, down.]
TOM: Mike, would you PLEASE take this wig off of me and get RID of it???
MIKE: Sure. [Mike takes Tom's wig off and throws it to the other side of the
theater.]
CROW: Tom, you really looked gorgeous in that wig.
TOM: That's it. LET ME AT HIM!!! [Tom tries to go towards Crow, but Mike
keeps them seperated.]
MIKE: Ok guys, that's enough. Settle down.. The post is about to start.
>
>*************************************************************************
CROW: An ASCII Caterpillar?
>
> CABLE TV DESCRAMBLING !
ALL: AAAH!!!
>
>Insider's information on all types of systems....
TOM: Even a UNIX?
> Own a"Descrambler" for
>as little as $39.00.... "Everything The Cable Companies Don't Want You To
>Know!"...
MIKE: Oh, like that the Cable Company can subscribe to more channels than
what they say they can?
> Is a complete cable hacker's manual... Topics covered include:
CROW: Llama's...
TOM: Coke or Pepsi...
MIKE: Highlander 2...
TOM: Bacon, bacon, bacon...
CROW: Duke and Virginia...
MIKE: You guys.. These aren't topics about Cable Descrambling.
CROW: Who's better.. Joel or Mike...
MIKE: HEY!
TOM: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!
>
>
>* Where to buy parts & equipment
MIKE: Weeeell. Here at Uncle Joe's Electronics Barn.. I can get ya anything
you need, for HALF the price!
> * How to select the correct equipment &
>solve compatibility problems
TOM: Should I use an AC or DC Switch?
CROW: What's the difference between PAL and NTSC?
> * How to build your own "Descrambler" *
TOM:[singing] The input wire is connected to the.. output wire...
>Turn-on test chips
CROW: OoOoOoOHHHhhhh WooOOOOOOoooww!!!
MIKE: Uh, Crow. I DON'T think that is what he means.
> & instructions every kind * Wholesale & retail sources
MIKE: Remember, at Uncle Joe's Electronics Barn... We treat YOU like family!
>of commercially made "Descramblers" * Cable filtering devices * Insider's
>information on the latest cable technology * Legal issues * How to become
>a dealer * Profitable part-time business opportunities * Plus much more
>in this easy-to-follow informative manual.....
TOM: HEY! This is written in Japanese! DOH!
>
>
>This manual is a must !!! Guaranteed to save you at least $100.00 on the
>purchase of a box, or your money back !
CROW: Oh, like I would really pay 100 dollars for a plain old BOX???
>
>
>
>Send $18.99 Plus $3.00 shipping and handling to:
TOM: Descramblers R' Us.
>
>
> Tronics Cable Systems
> 350 Ward Ave. #106
> Honolulu, HI. 96814
MIKE:[singing] Hawaiian EYE!
>
> E-mail tronics@aloha.com
TOM: No thanks.
[Commercials]
>
>***************************************************************************
>
CROW: HEY, It's the little, fuzzy ASCII Caterpillar!! Hi, little buddy!
>
>
>
>Newsflag: rec.arts.tv.mst3k
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k
ALL: YAAAAAY!!!
>From: an178355@anon.penet.fi
ALL: BOOOOOOOOO!!!
>X-Anonymously-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k
>Organization: Anonymous contact service
>Reply-To: an178355@anon.penet.fi
TOM: I bet he'd like a dose of Quick Cash, or Make Money Fast.
MIKE: Well, the only problem with that is, they might have those in their
killfiles, or spam alerts.
>Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 00:30:33 UTC
>Subject: ===>> FREE 1 yr. Magazine Sub sent worldwide- 300+ Popular USA
>Titles
CROW: Got any Sports Illustrated?
MIKE: Popular Mechanics?
TOM: Good Houskeeping?
MIKE & CROW: HUH???
TOM: Nevermind.
>Lines: 246
>
TOM: Eight! Who do we appreciate? [effortlessly] Ha ha haaaaaa...
>
>CHEAPEST USA MAG SUB AGENCY - SHIPS WORLDWIDE + FREE 1yrSUB
MIKE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!!!
>
>THIS IS BEING POSTED AS AN INFORMATION SERVICE TO INFORM PEOPLE OF THE
>AVAILABLITY OF THIS INFORMATIONAL RESOURCE:
CROW: HOW ABOUT HEARING LOSS???
MIKE: WHAT???
CROW: HEARING LOSS!
TOM: SHEARING FLOSS???
CROW: NO, HEARING LOSS!
MIKE: ALBATROSS???
CROW: NO! HEARING LOSS!!!
> MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS. I
>OBTAIN NO BENEFIT FROM POSTING THIS MESSAGE OTHER THAN THE SATISFACTION OF
TOM: Spamming this newsgroup.
>HELPING OTHERS SAVE MONEY AND DIRECTING THEM TO A USEFUL CLUB.
CROW: Oh, yeah right. SURE!
>
>Hi, my name is Nicky Alistair
TOM: Cooke, and on the next Masterpiece Theater...
> and I recently started using a magazine
>subscription club in the USA that has a FREE 1 yr. magazine subscription
>deal with your first paid order- and I have been very pleased with them.
MIKE:[Alistair] You see, I subscribe to the magazine of my choice for a
year and let them pay for it, then I cancel the subscription. Why, you
may ask? Because I'm cheap!
>
>They will send you some FREE info.
CROW: Of course, she didn't say whether it was IMPORTANT info.
> via E-mail (the short version (around
>40K) of their catalogue,
TOM: That's SHORT?
> or if you request it the DELUXE LONG VERSION
>(around 400K-big and juicey) !)...if you fill out the form below.
CROW: 400K???
ALL: ACK!!!
>
>
>*------------cut here-----------------------------------------------*
MIKE: I wish they DID cut the post at that line.
>REQUEST FOR MORE INFO: please copy this section *only* and email to:
> na178350@anon.penet.fi
>
>(sorry, but we cannot acknowledge incomplete forms sent back)
CROW: But we will use the forms to send you garbage mail.
>
>Name:
>Internet email address:
CROW: crow@bite.me.com
MIKE: I think that address is taken.
>Smail home address:
>City-State-Zip:
>Country:
TOM: Oh, like I'm REALLY that stupid?
>Work Tel. #:
>Work Fax #:
>Home Tel. #:
>Home Fax #:
MIKE: Who would give their Work and Home telephone numbers out???
CROW: Nicky.
>Name of USA mags you currently get:
>Name of USA mags you would like price quotes on when we call you:
TOM:[Alistair] Name of USA mags you would like to shove down my throat.
>Do you want the short (~40K) or long version (~400K) of our
>catalogue emailed to you?:
CROW:[Alistair] Oh, why ask? We'll send BOTH to you, ANYWAY.
>How did you hear about us (name of person who referred you or the area of
MIKE: Some nut who used anon@penet.whatever to post it, because they didn't
want their E-mail address bombarded with flames.
>the
>internet that you saw us mentioned in): Nicky Alistair
>030495
TOM: You suppose this Nicky Alistair is really the anonymous person who
posted this stuff on rec.arts.tv.mst3k?
MIKE: It's possible.
>*------------cut here-----------------------------------------------*
CROW: I wish they had cut it at the beginning of the Cable TV Descrambling
post.
MIKE: And on that note. Let's get out of here. [Mike picks up Tom and all
three leave the theater.]
[Commercials]
[SOL]
[Mike is connecting cords to a small tv. Tom is reading a *thick* manual.]
TOM: Ok, make sure the switch box is connected directly to the input cable.
MIKE: Ok, I'm connecting the input cable now. [continues to work on the
cords.]
TOM: You really think this manual will really show how to descramble?
MIKE: Yeah, but if not, that'll mean eighteen dollars down the toilet.
TOM: You paid eighteen dollars for this manual???
MIKE: Well, I figured it was worth trying. Ok, what's next??
TOM: Make sure the coax cable is connected to both the TV and the satellite
dish.
MIKE: It looks secure on my side.. Let's check how Crow is doing. Cambot,
give me Rocket Number Nine... Crow? Is everything working up there on
your end? [We then see the outside of part of the SOL {Closer view
than was done with Weather Servo-9.] Crow, wearing a rocket pack is
working on the TV Satellite Dish.]
CROW: Yeah, everything is working fine here. Good thing we had twenty feet
worth of cable. It barely reached the Satellite.
MIKE:[voice] Ok Crow, let us know when to turn it on.
CROW: I'm pushing this last switch. That should do it.
[Interior of SOL]
MIKE: Ok, Crow.
CROW:[voice] I'm coming in.
TOM: I hope this works.
MIKE: We'll see. [Mike turns on the TV.]
MIKE & TOM: HUH??? XUXA?!?
TOM: Try turning the channel..
MIKE: Ok. [Mike turns the channel.] Aww.. She's on every channel. [Crow
comes on screen.]
CROW: Hey! So, what did we get? [Looks at the TV.] Oh...
TOM: You could get that on a local channel.
MIKE: Crow, are you sure you connected everything?
CROW: Yes. Servo was the one reading the manual, I bet HE goofed up.
TOM: HEY! [Mike checks the manual.]
MIKE: From what it says here, we did everything.[Mike turns the TV off.] I
guess that's eighteen dollars worth nothing. [Post sign lights flash.]
ALL: POOOOOOST SIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!!!!!! [Everybody panics and heads for the
theater.]
[{}...6...5...4...3...2...@...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]
CROW: Oh well, better luck next time.
>
>
>They guarantee to beat all their competitors' prices.
MIKE: And pass the savings on to YOU! [whip sound]
> Sometimes they are
>less than half of the next best deal I have been able to find and other
>times, just a little cheaper - but I have never found a lower rate yet.
TOM: Boy were you a dope!
>They assured me that if I ever do, they will beat it.
CROW: But can I beat YOU?
>
>They have been very helpful and helped me change my address from the USA
>to Finland when I moved last month. They are very knowledgeable about
>addressing mags worldwide.
MIKE: AND about Anonymous services.
>
>They have a deal where you can get a free 1 yr. sub to a new magazine from
>a special list of over 275 popular titles published in the USA. They will
>give you this free 1 yr. sub when you place your first paid order with
>them to a renewal or new subscription to any of the over 1,500 different
>popular titles they sell.
CROW: Wait, you get free, one year subscription of a choice of one out of two
hundred seventy five magazines in the US, when you place a renewal
or subscription to any of the one thousand five hundred different
popular titles?? That doesn't make sense!
MIKE: I'll explain. You get to choose one out of two hundred seventy five
popular magazine titles in the US as your free subscription, when you
renew or make a new subscription to any of the thousand popular titles.
CROW: That's it?
MIKE: That's it.
CROW: Well, WHY DIDN'T SHE SAY THAT???
MIKE: I think she did.
CROW: DOH!
>
>They can arrange delivery to virtually any country and I think they have
>clients in around 35 or 36 countries now.
TOM: Big deal. I have fifty eight.
> Outside the USA there is a
>charge for foreign postage and handling (on both paid and freebie subs)
MIKE: Yep, I knew there was something to this.
>that varies from magazine to magazine. I have found their staff to be
>very friendly and courteous. They even helped me with an address change
>when I moved from one country to another.
CROW: Like the way you move from one newsgroup to another newsgroup with
this garbage?
>
>The owner thinks of his service as a "club" and his clients as "members"
TOM: Remember, I'm not only the owner of this magazine subscription agency.
I'm also.. a client.
>(even though there is no extra fee to become a member - your first
>purchase automatically makes you a member) and he is real picky about who
>he accepts as a new member.
MIKE: Nitpicker.
> When he sets you up as a new member, he
>himself calls you personally on the phone to
CROW: do crank calls, and to harass you.
> explain how he works his
>deal, or sometimes he has one of his assistants call. He is kind of
>quirky sometimes - he insists on setting up new members by phone so he can
>say hi to everyone (I sure wouldn't want to have his phone bills!), but
TOM: Persistant little fella, isn't he?
>you can place future orders (after your first order) via E-mail.
>
>He has some really friendly young ladies working for him, who seem to know
>just as much as he does about this magazine stuff.
CROW: I bet they also know about.. [Mike clamps down on Crow's beak.]
Mphmhmph...
MIKE: I don't think so... Promise you'll be good and I'll let you go.
CROW: Mmm pmmmmph.
MIKE: Good. [Mike lets go of Crow's beak.]
> If you live overseas,
>he will even call you there, as long as you are interested,
CROW: In him or the magazines? OW! You didn't have to hit me!
> but I think he
>still makes all his overseas calls on the weekends, I guess cause the long
>distance rates are cheaper then.
>
>He only likes to take new members from referrals from satisfied existing
>members and he does virtually no advertising-
CROW:[whistles two notes.] No advertising.
> so you can email me and I
>will forward your message on to him as a referral. When I got set-up,
TOM: Boy, this guy IS a slimeball.
MIKE: Not you, too?
>they had a 2-3 week waiting list for new members to be called back so that
>they could join up. (Once you are an existing member,
MIKE: They shun you.
> they help you
>immediately when you call. ) I think they are able to get back to
>prospective new members the same day or within a few days now, as they
>have increased their staff. I am not sure about this.........but if you
>email me, I will forward your info to them right away.
>
>They will send you some FREE info. via E-mail (the short version (around
TOM: Why can't you give us THEIR e-mail address?
MIKE: I'm sure they've heard of flames and mailbombing.
>40K) of their catalogue, or if you request it the DELUXE LONG VERSION
>(around 400K-big and juicey) !)
ALL: EEEYEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
> ...if you fill out the form near the top of
>this message.
>
>They then send you email that outlines how his club works
MIKE: Say ANYTHING and I will turn you off. I DO know where your off
switches are, ya know.
> and the list of
>free choices that you can choose from, as well as the entire list of what
>he sells; and then they will give you a quick (3-5 minute) friendly,
>no-pressure no-obligation call to explain everything to you personally and
TOM: No pressure he says. HA!
>answer all your questions.
>
>Once you get in, you'll love them. I do.
MIKE: Yes, but we don't know who you are.. Remember, you did the anonymous
thingy?
> For more info, just email me and
>I will forward you message to them. Please fill out the form near the top
>of this message (I can't forward you request without that filled in
TOM: Name: Al K. Holic.
CROW: Address: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
>completely) and email it to me at my email address as shown below. I will
>forward it on to them right away for you.
MIKE:[Alistair] As soon as I go through all of this flame mail.
>
>Thanks,
CROW: Put it in a sock.
>
>Nicky Alistair
MIKE: You suppose this really DID come from Nicky Alistair?
>
>na178350@anon.penet.fi
TOM: Anon.penet.fi the REAL troublemakers on the Internet.
>
>
>
>
>
CROW: Ah.
>
>
>
>
>
>
TOM: Hmph.
>
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>
MIKE: Okaaaay...
>
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>
CROW:[sighs.] Is that all of it?
MIKE: I don't know.
CROW: Tom? You're the one with the special parts, is it over?
TOM: Not by a long shot.
MIKE & CROW: DOH!!!
>
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[Tom sighs.]
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MIKE:[Cough] Excuse me.
>
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>
CROW: COME ON!! Let's sing a song, or SOMETHING!
>
>
TOM:[singing] Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank...
MIKE: I don't know that one.
TOM: Oh.
>
>
>
>
MIKE:[singing] Kathy, Kathy.. You make me daffy...
CROW: I hate that song.
>
>
>
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>
CROW: La laaa la laa la la laaa, Crow. La laaa la laa la la laa, Crow..
TOM: Oh, like that's better?
>
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>
>
MIKE: Compared to this, the word "Line-feed" is an understatement.
>
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CROW: I wonder if there really WAS more to this, but someone spilled white-
out all over it.
>
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CROW: Tom, which is worse? Deep Hurting or this?
>
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BOTS: THIS!
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MIKE: This just isn't funny anymore!
>
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CROW: Make it stop... MAKE IT STOP... MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!
>
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TOM:[whimpering] It hurts inside, and stuff...
>
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>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALL: AAAAH!!!
>To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi.
CROW: Oh BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TOM: LOSER, LOSER, LOSER!!!!
MIKE: COME ON!!! ALL THAT WHITE SPACE, FOR THAT???
[several raspberries, and boos are heard.]
>Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
>and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
CROW: It's a little bit LATE FOR A *WARNING*!!!!!!!
[Mike pats Crow.]
>Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to admin@anon.penet.fi.
TOM: Why don't ya look at the above post, you jerk! [SIGH]
[Commercials]
>
>Path:
news1.delphi.com!news.delphi.com!uunet!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf0
2
.news.aol.com!not-for-mail >From: atlanform@aol.com (ATLANFORM)
>Newsgroups: alt.slack
MIKE: Atlanform, alt.slack's version of Ed Wood.
>Subject: The Day Mars Invaded D.C.: 24K post, save & read later
>Date: 15 Mar 1995 21:25:29 -0500
TOM: It was a cloudy day in Washington on March the fifteenth at..
eleven twenty-five at NIGHT???
MIKE: Sloppy. Next time read the whole line before you comment.
>Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
>Lines: 296
CROW: AGGGHHH!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
>Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com
>Message-ID: <3k87ip$rt8@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
>Reply-To: atlanform@aol.com (ATLANFORM)
>NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com
TOM: Would you say he's AOL's version of Ratliff or John _-_ Winston?
>
>
>This story was originally published in U.S. MILITIA Vol. 1, Issue 1
>
> THE DAY MARS INVADED WASHINGTON
> By Kurt Saxon
MIKE: Teleplay by...
>
> Clarence hated Martians.
TOM: One stole his wings.
> He had hated them since he'd watched a science
>fiction story on Martian invaders a few weeks before on the ward's TV.
MIKE: But that was a Warner Brothers cartoon. Remember when Sylvester and
his buddies dressed like martians...
>This hatred and then fear was reinforced by a rerun of the old Kevin
>McCarthy version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".
CROW: He watches TV too much.
> He was the only
>person in the State Hospital who realized the Martians were getting in
>just like plant pods,
TOM: State Hospital? That explains it then.
> growing bodies occupied by the souls of Martians.
MIKE: I thought that happened in Aliens, with Sigourney Weaver.
> To Clarence, movies were true and on purpose.
[Mike and the bots laugh.]
> They were made and
>shown to alert him to the dangers to those he loved,
CROW: This guy IS a nutcase!
> which was everybody.
TOM: He thinks he's Barney, now.
>He retained them and called up incidents from them in flashbacks whenever
>he was uncertain. His guides saw to that.
MIKE: Who are his guides?? Al and Ziggy?
CROW:[Al] CLARENCE!
> So Clarence knew all about the Martians. But his doctor would not
>believe him. Not even when he told him, in great detail, the explanations
>given to him by the voices who counseled him and warned him of the danger
>to the country from the Martians.
CROW: I bet his invisible friend didn't believe him, either.
> The attendants wouldn't listen and
>some even laughed.
TOM: Oh, the attendants on the psychiatric ward?
> Then his doctor had a stroke and had to go on indefinite leave.
MIKE: Like we are REALLY going to believe that one.
> About
>that time, orders came to release the non-violents to make room for more
>patients. Overcrowding and under staffing made Clarence a good candidate
CROW: For the padded cell.
>for release. He was a gentle, caring person and his voices had never
>encouraged any troublesome conduct.
MIKE: Now he listens to voices.. WHAT NEXT???
> Had his doctor been there he would have warned the board. But he wasn't
>there and his scrawls were hard to read. Anyway, all those psychiatric
>terms were Greek to the social workers on the board. This amiable
>schizophrenic would be no problem, even if he did hate Martians.
TOM: Just hide the knives.
> One of the social workers read from Clarence's chart, as best she could,
>"...pathological hatred of Martians...spirit guides may direct him
>to...potential.." She put the chart down, saying, "I can't read this."
CROW:.."With a straight face."
> Jackson, senior board member said, "A lot of malarkey, if you ask me. I
>don't care if he hates Martians. He's got no record of bothering people.
>I vote we process him out of here."
TOM: And people are complaining about the court systems??? Look at who's
letting THESE nutcases out.
> Clarence's landlady in a rundown apartment house in downtown Washington
>was a sweet old redneck. As she opened the door to the little kitchenette
>she told him she was glad to rent to "one of us," tossing a glance over
>her shoulder at a black tenant.
CROW: She's crazy, too?
> Clarence didn't follow her glance. It
>wouldn't have mattered, since Martians came in all colors to the
MIKE: Green, blue, turquoise, pasley...
>unknowing. But he saw them as they were, gray, with great dark eyes, as
>the flying saucer contactees described them.
> She added, "I don't mind saying I'm afraid of 'em. They're taking over.
> It seems like only yesterday when just our kind were here."
TOM: I've lost the whole idea of what this is.
MIKE: I think the writer lost it, too.
> "Only yesterday," Clarence repeated. "Don't worry, though. Help is on
>the way."
CROW:[Shatner] On the next.. Rescue 911.
> Just then there was a commotion as a little girl pushed a small boy down
>the stairs. R The landlady handed Clarence the keys and bustled off to
>see if the child was hurt.
> "So she can see them too," Clarence said aloud to his guides. "But
>she's too busy with unimportant things to be of use."
TOM: Oh sure... Seeing martians is MUCH more important than a child that
was just in a life-threatening accident.. MUCH more important.
> He then went inside and looked around. "It seems all right," he said to
>them. "You heard her say it was only yesterday. We'll have to get to
>work."
CROW: Turn me off, I can't take anymore of this!
> As he unpacked his suitcase he answered one of his guides, "Yes, I can
>do it if you point out the targets. I don't want any Earth people to get
>hurt, unless they're pro-Martian. But now I have to go out and buy the
>stuff we talked about. Of course I know what to buy. I had chemistry all
>through high school. You know that."
MIKE: Course, I FLUNKED Chemistry, but that doesn't matter.
> As he opened the door to leave, he said, "I'll talk to you when I get
>back. I have to concentrate now."
TOM:[Clarence] Ok... gotta concentrate.. How do you close the door???
> His strategy was to make and use ammonium nitrogen itri-iodide. This
>is a substance which when dry, will explode at any vibration; the touch of
>a feather, a breath, a rise in temperature.
CROW: A lame story being posted on alt.slack.
> The "undefusable" bomb!
> He walked to the nearest drugstore and asked the pharmacist for a bottle
>of iodine crystals but he had none. He went from one drugstore to the
>next until he neared a large hospital. That pharmacy stocked it for
>hospital use. The pharmacist asked Clarence what he wanted it for.
MIKE: Ok.. gotta be cool.. I'm.. going... to take over the world from the
martians. DOH!
> Clarence was a smooth talker and had a cover story ready. "I rented
>this old house and it's a mess. The landlord gave me cheap rent to clean
>it up. But it smells like eight people died there. What you do is put a
CROW: Jeffrey Dahmer's house?
MIKE: Ohhh, that was bad.
>teaspoonful of iodine crystals in bowls in every room and it dissolves in
>the air and fumigates the place. Kills all the germs, too.
TOM: And fights Gingivitis!
> "My grandma did it that way. Of course, you shouldn't be in the room
>for twenty-four hours while it's working."
MIKE: Or this is what will happen to you.[points to the screen.]
> The a pharmacist commented that he'd heard of that and sold Clarence a
>four-ounce bottle.
> Next, Clarence went to a supermarket and a hardware store and bought
>lots of odds and ends.
CROW: What would MacGyver do?
> There was cleaning ammonia, four cartons of book
>matches, four four-foot lengths of one-half inch PVC tubing, a package of
>thirty #7 Water Gremlin split shot fishing sinkers, coarse sand paper,
>rubber tape, two half-inch dowels, Super Glu Gel, a hacksaw blade, etc.
MIKE: Isn't that a list for Robot parts?
BOTS: HEY!
> When he got back to the little apartment, Clarence set about making a
>simple still from quarter-inch plastic tubing, a light bulb, two tin cans,
>Goop, a No. 6 cork, a Tums bottle and a two-quart plastic container. When
MIKE: He'll need a baby's car seat. [Gypsy comes in the theater.] OH! Uhh..
Hi, Gypsy... he he he..
GYPSY: Behave yourself. [Gypsy leaves the theater.]
>he got it set up, he quickly distilled two ounces of very strong ammonia
>from the weak and soapy mess sold as a cleaner. While he worked he
TOM: Whistled. [singing] Whistle while you work...
[Mike whistles the tune.]
>gleefully explained aloud to his guides every step and the impact of the
>project on the Martian in xvaders.
MIKE: Never heard of that one.
> Then he cut off all the match heads from the four cartons. He put them
>in a shallow bowl and poured boiling water over them. Next he stirred
>them until the potassium chlorate and sulfur making up the heads dropped
>away from the cardboard. He then scooped out the cardboard and put the
>bowl in the oven at its lowest heat to evaporate the liquid.
CROW: We must HAVE segwayed into an episode of MacGyver.
> Then he proceeded to cut the PVC tubing into 128 one and a half inch
>lengths. Next he sanded the edges of both ends of the dowel before
>cutting off one-quarter inch at each end. This was so they would go into
>the tubes easier.
MIKE: Noooo?? REALLY???
> He repeated the process until he had over 200 tube
>stoppers.
> Clarence was fortunate that his landlady was health conscious and had
>chronic indigestion and that she saved everything. He had seen rows of
>plastic bottles of Tums, Rolaids and vitamins in her office. When he
>asked if she had any empties she was happy to give him a sackful. He took
>them to x his apartment and chose thirty which would hold just over six
>ounces.
TOM: Why are we reading THIS?
> His next step was a visit to two different gas stations with a gas can.
>He had decided on thirty gas bombs and was vexed that he had to make two
>trips. He was short fifty-four ounces and so had to make that extra trip,
>and to another station so as not to be noticed. Weren't twenty-one gas
>bombs enough? But orders were orders.
[Want to MiST something??? Send e-mail to misties-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
with SUBSCRIBE in the message!]
> When he got back he put six ounces into each of the thirty bottles.
>Then he upended them to test if the lids could be screwed on tight enough
>to prevent leakage. They didn't leak.
CROW: Clarence can stop leaks.. WOW.
> His next job was to put Super Glu Gel around the inside of the PVC tubes
>and press in the stoppers.
> By the next day the water was evaporated from the match head mixture and
>he scraped it off the bowl and powdered it with the bottom of a spoon. He
>put the thirty sinkers in tubes and filled them two-thirds full with the
>powder and set them aside. When Kthese were done he put the same
>amount of powder in the other seventy.
TOM: What is this? How to make your own Martian repellant?
> Then he crushed a half ounce of iodine crystals to a powder, poured it
>into a pill bottle and poured in an ounce of the strong ammonia. After
>snapping the lid on tight he let it set for a half hour. He then poured
>the liquid and mush into two piles onto a newspaper and let most of the
>liquid be absorbed. He scraped one pile up while it was still quite
>moist and left the other pile alone until it showed little moisture.
CROW: That's it. I'm out of here! [Crow gets up and walks out of the
theater.
> "You see," he said to his guides, "I have to put in just enough crystal
>to ignite the powder. If I put in too much and it breaks the tube so the
>gasoline floods the powder, the powder won't explode and vaporize the
>gasoline. Also since there will be more vibration on the bus, the
>moisture in the crystals will dissipate and dry quicker. So E the
[Mike gets up and brings Crow back to the theater.]
>moister crystals will go in those twenty for the buses. Since there will
>be no vibrations in the mail boxes except for maybe bunches of letters
>hitting, the dryer stuff will go in those ten gas bombs. The seventy for
>the car gas tanks will be dryer since they'll just be lying in there until
>the cars are well on the road.
MIKE: Sit down.
CROW: I don't want to.. Waaaaaaaaahhhhh...
> "Of course mail boxes. We agreed we should disrupt communications. I
>don't care: don't argue with me. I'm not going to argue about it.
TOM: Oh great.. Now he's argueing to himself.
> "The sinkers? Oh, they're to make the gas bombs explode up instead of
>down, like it would if the tube was floating."
[Send your E-mail with REQUEST in the message to misties-request@jg.cso.uiuc.
edu if you would like to join MUT3K! SEND THEM TODAY!!]
> Clarence had to test the product, so he used a razor knife to pick up a
>bit of the dryer crystal and set it aside while he filled a spare tube
>three-quarters full with powder. Then he dropped in the crystal and
>sealed the tube with a dowel piece smeared with Super Glu Gel. Next he
>put it in a small cardboard box, wrapped the box in a blanket and put it
>in the oven.
CROW: He's making Shrinky Dinks!
> Before his guides had taken him over i in his last year of high
>school, Clarence had been an A student in chemistry. He loved novel
>chemical reactions and was quite a practical joker then. He had played
>with iodine bombs and other stunts so often he knew within a half hour
>just how long it would take for one to dry and then explode.
MIKE: So that's why he was in the Asylum.
> After a little over an hour, he opened the oven door slightly and
>jiggled the bundle with a stick. There was a muffled bang and couple of
>PVC particles came through the box and blanket and hit the sides of the
>oven.
TOM: I wish this post was in the blanket.
> After the testing Clarence proceeded to load the tubes for the car gas
>tanks. He filled them three-quarters full of powder and measured out a
>piece of the least moist paste about the size of a quarter grain of rice.
>When it was in, he put Super-Glue Gel around the bottom of the stopper and
>pressed it flush with the tube. After doing ten he put them into the
>freezer compartment of the refriger aator to keep them from drying.
CROW: What does Ator have to do with it?
>When the seventy were done he began the gas bombs.
> Clarence had thirty gas bombs to make. He dropped a sinker in each and
>put in the two-thirds powder. He set ten aside and dropped in a bit of
>the moister crystal in the twenty and put in the dowels. Then he put them
>in the freezer compartment and started in on the ten for the mail boxes.
> Since these would not be jostled much and needed to dry faster he used
>the dryer crystal. He also put the ten in the freezer. He put all the
>gasoline bottles in the refrigerator to cool, giving him a few minutes
>more before the tubes would warm up enough for the crystal to dry.
TOM: Drink it DRY...
> About 2:30 p.m. Clarence uncapped the gas filled bottles and dropped
>twenty tubes in and marked them. After closing them tightly and putting
>them in his airline bag, he did the same for the ten for the mail boxes.
>Then he left for the bus stop !a block away.
MIKE: That had the word ACTION written all over it.
CROW: Yeah, BACKWARDS.
> His first targets were bus-loads of Martians. The buses he chose were
>those serving Washington proper, avoiding those headed for the suburbs.
>Of course, his guides would direct him. Even so, most of the local buses
>were filled with Martians.
> Some of the passengers were children. But Clarence remembered a movie
>wherein General Philip Sheridan said of killing Indian youngsters, "Nits
>make lice."
ALL: HUH???
> Just before the first bus reached him he had a thought.
CROW: That's a first.
> Or maybe one
>of his guides gave it to him. At any rate, if it worked, the guide would
>take credit for it. The thought was that maybe someone would see what he
>thought was a lost bottle of Tums and take it.. It needed a disguise.
TOM: Ok.. try writing the word "TUMS" on it.
>There was a trash receptacle nearby so Clarence reached in and got three
>dirty fast food sacks. He put two in his pocket and stuffed a gas bottle
>in the last. No one would care to pick that up.
> Just then the bus stopped and he got on. He then follo Owed the
>procedure he had rehearsed in his mind with his guides. After putting the
>coins in the box he pretended to drop one. He backed up slightly, facing
>the front and bent down.
[Tom makes a noise.]
MIKE: EWWW..
> Then he put the bottle of gasoline in its paper
>sack under the driver's seat.
> He then straightened up and made his way back to the side exit. After
>two blocks he pulled the cord and got out. Looking around, he spotted a
>public mail box. He opened his airline bag and popped one of the ten into
>the hopper and then crossed the street as another bus going back stopped.
>He got on and repeated the process. In a little over half an hour he had
>gotten on and off twenty buses and planted the other nine gas bombs in
>mail boxes.
> As his last bus passed near his apartment house he got off. He went in
>and emptied four ice trays into an Igloo Little Playmate drink cooler.
>Then he put the seventy gas tank bomblets i 'n a large zip-lock baggie
>and pushed it down into the ice.
CROW: Well, THIS guy has no life at all.
> Off he went again and took a bus to a large parking lot he had passed
>before. He removed several bomblets and put them in his pocket. As he
>passed among the cars he opened the gas flaps and checked to see if they
>had locking gas caps.
> Few did. Since most gas tanks had baffles to prevent siphoning, they
>were not needed. Besides, Martians didn't use locking gas caps. One
TOM: He sure does know what martians do and what they don't do.
>after another he poked a bomblet into the gas tanks of seventy cars. It
>was now nearly four p.m. By shortly after five the crystals would be dried
>and, as the tubes were jostled by the cars' motion, they would carry the
>Martian drivers to a fiery doom.
> Instead of getting back on a bus that might have a bomb on board, he
>walked the ten blocks from the parking lot to the apartment house. He
>stopped at an appliance store and bought a cheap black and white TV.
MIKE: Must have gone in a Radio Shack.
> At 5:22 p.m. the first bomb went off on Pennsylvania Avenue. The bus
>was pack Eed,
CROW: The bus was pack eed???
> as usual for that time of day. Fifty cubic feet of flame
>engulfed the Martian driver and passengers crowded at the front of the
>bus. The driver could not have opened the door, even had he had the
>presence of mind, for the press of burning bodies blocking the entrance.
> The bus lurched drunkenly out of its lane, smashing into several
>oncoming cars and blocking the street in both directions.
TOM: Oops! That car didn't have martians in it.
> Inside the bus, flaming clothing spread a pall of choking smoke toward
>the rear. Those standing at the side exit pulled the cord in vain.
>Whatever emergency exits there were were not used in the panic. As the
>flames spread, the smoke killed every Martian on the bus.
CROW: By this time, their lungs were aching for air.
> An Earth person on the sidewalk with a Camcorder caught the scene just
>as a Martian in a postman's uniform opened up a mail box. As smoke seeped
>out the cracks in the bus, the postman automatically reached down for an
>armload of mail. The Camcorder caught him just as one of the bombs
>exploded in his face.
MIKE: That's gotta burn.
> As this scene was sh Eown on TV an hour later, Clarence was reminded
>of the old Blondie and Dagwood movies showing the ever late Dagwood
>running into the mailman and scattering his letters to the four winds.
>Only the letters on TV were on fire.
TOM: This guy is really, really sick.
> At 5:30 the large parking lot was nearly empty, with most of the Martian
>targets well along on the streets and freeways. But three cars of late
>leavers went up almost simultaneously. One exploded spontaneously.
>Another erupted just as the driver opened its door. The last blew up
>just as the driver and its passengers neared an exit.
CROW: Oops! There goes another Earthling.
> On the freeway, a car burst into flames and careened until stopped by
>several others. This caused a classic jam, piling up several hurrying
>vehicles and stopping hundreds of cars behind. Two stopped cars then
>flamed almost in unison, endangering the surrounding autos and causing
>their passengers to get out and clamber over those nearby.
> Within minutes of the initial explosions the TV and radio blasted forth
>panicked warnings. U"Washington is under attack! Buses and cars are
>being bombed all over the metropolitan area and even on the freeways. Do
>not board buses.
MIKE: Ralph Kramden isn't going to be happy about this.
> Stop your cars and get out, NOW!"
> "Reports are coming in that even public mail boxes are exploding. At
>least one postman collecting from a mail drop on Pennsylvania Avenue has
>been incinerated."
> Every station had similar reports. As the minutes wore on, these
>reports became more hysterical. They reminded Clarence of the anguish of
>the reporter covering the Hindenberg tragedy.
> Within an hour, anchormen told of hundreds, maybe thousands, of lives
>lost,
CROW:[anchormen] Amazingly, most of the fatalities were martians!
> fifteen or more horrific traffic jams, the inability of fire
>engines, police or ambulances to get to the scenes of destruction.
> Government spokesmen editorialized on massive terrorist attacks on the
>nation's heart. "It's obvious that these outrages have been orchestrated
>by Saddam or Quadafi
ALl: QUADAFI??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
> or bo uth in concert. The carnage is terrible.
>It's estimated by top government intelligence agents we've been able to
>reach, that this assault on our capitol has been perpetrated by dozens of
>highly trained terrorists armed with the most sophisticated destructive
>devices."
TOM: But it really was caused by a nutcase who was let out of the psychiatric
ward.
> Three Egyptian tourists running from a burning car were shot down by an
>off-duty Secret Service man. Middle Easterners were being arrested on
>sight. Clarence remembered the documentaries showing Japanese-Americans
>being rounded up after the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
> A commercial for Jiffy-Pop was interrupted by a screaming anchorman,
CROW: How ironic. OW! I said don't hit me!
>along with an on-the-spot live film, "Hold on. Wait a minute, oh, NO!
>Eight troop-filled helicopters sent to guard the president tried to land
>on the White House lawn. Two have run into each other and as you can see,
>one has landed in the street crushing several cars and, good God! the
>other is in flames and w Oobbling through the roof of the White House!"
TOM: Hmmm.. now, was this during the Reagan years?
> Throughout the evening the reports continued. The body count was up to
>two thousand and rising. Martial Law was imposed and being enforced with
>as much lack of judgment as possible under the circumstances. All armed
>forces were on full alert and jets in the Middle East were being readied
>with smart bombs.
MIKE: As opposed to DUMB bombs?
> The mayor of New York came on TV and pleaded for restraint, as already,
>his Middle Eastern communities were being mobbed by vengeful rioters.
>"The outbreaks of violence against Moslems must be stopped," he warned.
> He had said "Moslems". Clarence heard "Martians". His next SSI check
>would be here in three weeks. He had always wanted to visit the Big
>Apple.
ALL: DOHHHH!! Waah Waah Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...
> Next adventure, "Clarence and the Gay Martians", here soon.
TOM: Oh BROTHER!
> ******************************************
> ATLAN FORMULARIES
> P.O. Box 95, Alpena, AR 72611
> (501) 437-2999/FAX 437-2973
> CompuServe: 75721,55
> AOL: ATLANFORM
>
CROW: I hope Clarence sends ATLANFORM one.
MIKE: WHEW! Let's get out of here! [Mike picks up Tom and they leave the
theater.]
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots standing behind the desk. The TV is still on the desk.]
CROW: Let's see what's on the TV now.
MIKE: Ok. [Turns the TV on.]
TOM: Oh.. Still Xuxa. OH, wait.. something else is coming on.
[Mike and the bots look closer to the TV.]
ALL: PENN & TELLER???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
[Mike grabs the TV and throws it.] BOOM!
MIKE: Remind me to never look at that manual again.
CROW: Ok.
MIKE: Tom, you want to give them the address?
TOM: SURE! Fans of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 who would like to MiST Usenet
posts, send your requests to.. misties-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu with
SUBSCRIBE in the body of the message! Send them in TODAY!
MIKE: Well, whaddya think, Sirs.. and why are you still in your costume,
Dr. Forrester? [Mike taps Mads light.]
[D13]
[Dr. F is wearing the same costume as he was in the beginning. Frank is
wearing a dress.]
DR.F: Well I think it makes me look younger.
FRANK: Do I really have to wear this dress?
DR.F: YES! [The door to Deep 13 opens. It's the rat. He walks towards the
screen.]
RAT:[NY sort of accent] Ya know, this is VERY insulting.
DR.F: Push the button, Lester.
[The rat punches Dr. F, who then falls down unconscious. The rat walks
towards the door. Stops. Glares at Frank and walks out of Deep 13. Frank
walks towards the screen. Shrugs and pushes the button.]
[End Credits]
THE END
directed by Claye Hodge
written by Claye Hodge
music composed and arranged by Claye Hodge
produced by Claye Hodge
edited by Claye Hodge
rat costume supplied by Pinky & the Brain Inc.
Special Thanks
RATM Posters Everywhere
Teachers of America
misties@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
edited in SHADOWWAMMA!!!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1995 by Best Brains Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Use of copyrighted or trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only. No infringement on original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
> The mayor of New York came on TV and pleaded for restraint, as already,
>his Middle Eastern communities were being mobbed by vengeful rioters.
>"The outbreaks of violence against Moslems must be stopped," he warned.
> He had said "Moslems". Clarence heard "Martians". His next SSI check
>would be here in three weeks. He had always wanted to visit the Big
>Apple.
---------------
[One last time... If you like the MiSTings that are being done, and would]
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The End.
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