Jaded Views.

MAGIC VOICE: The following is an editorial comment from Thomas J.
Servo. The views expressed do not necessarily represent
those of the Satellite of Love or its inhabitants.

TOM: Yes, but they *should.* I speak today to debunk deliberately
false statements a leading member of the entertainment industry
has made to the public for years. In his delightfully offbeat
animated series "The Simpsons," Matt Groening has advanced the
theory Famous Studios and Harvey Comics star Casper (the
friendly ghost) is the ghost of Richie Rich (the poor little
rich boy). Despite repeated letters to Mister Groening and
20th Century Fox, no retraction has been forthcoming.

I call upon the viewing audience to review the evidence. It is
a logical impossibility for Casper to be Richie Rich's ghost.

Indeed, they *met* one another many times, enough to earn a
crossover bi-monthly comic book!

[ JOEL leans in, holding up a comic book. Richie Rich and Casper are
riding a giant dollar bill as if it were a flying carpet;
Richie Rich asks, "Is this *really* happening, Casper?" The
cover caption reads, "Yes, Richie, IT IS! And it's only the
START of 'A TOUCH OF MAGIC.'" JOEL leans back out. ]

TOM: Some would dismiss this by explaining Casper was the future ghost
of Richie Rich cast back into time and visiting his youthful

self. This theory cannot withstand review of the record, such
as "Richie Rich and Casper" comic book number 37, "Cashper the
Rich Little Ghost" --

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is marveling at
Casper, who has dollar bills coming out of his snap. "Gosh,
Casper, you're richer than *I* am!" The cover caption reads,
"For the first time -- meet CASH-PER, the FRIENDLY GHOST!"
JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: In which Wendy (the good little witch)'s mischievous aunts
transfer Richie's allowance for one week to Casper, and cast

Richie Rich off to their world as a pauper. In this story,
"Cashper" demonstrates his complete ineptitude at handling
money. However, natural expertise with money is essential to
the Rich character -- I cite as evidence "Richie Rich Gems,"
number 34 --

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is on the phone
by a broken Gem Dam No. 18, which is broken and leaking jewels.
Richie says, "Come Quick, Dad... It's a GEM-ergency!" JOEL
leans out. ]

TOM: Which includes the story, "The Tycoons," in which Richie and his

friends Freckles, Pee-Wee and Googie, play at being executives,
unaware their orders are being carried out as if from Rich,
Senior's office. In eight hours they earn a billion dollars.
Richie's uncanny ability to attract and increase money is so
established that no time-travelling theory explains the Richie
Rich and Casper canon. Richie Rich and Casper are obviously
separate characters.

I call upon mister Groening. Stop lying to the people. The
weight of history is against you. Thank you.

[ TOM hovers off-stage; CROW enters from the other side. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The Satellite of Love now presents an editorial reply.

CROW: Thank you, hello, and... hello. Ahem. Tom is a booger.
Good day.

[ JOEL leans in, showing a picture of TOM. ]

TOM: [ Interrupting CROW, from off-stage ] I AM NOT! YOU LITTLE
YELLOW CREEP! [ Continues ranting about CROW in this vein
until the commercials. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 seconds. The Satellite of Love gladly
accepts editorials from responsible members of the community,
but does not expect any. Commercial sign now.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]

JOEL: We'll be right back.

[ JOEL taps the flashing COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]


[ COMMERCIALS ]


[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding a newspaper; TOM, CROW and GYPSY are behind
the desk, which is covered in cheap trinkets. ]

JOEL: And for each thirty-five cent copy of Grit you sell, you keep .
twelve cents -- you can earn your own spending money every week!

CROW: Nowadays you earn prizes, too -- more than one hundred to choose
from. The more papers you deliver, the neater the prizes.

GYPSY: *Girls* sell Grit too.

[ MADS SIGN flashes ]

TOM: Cousin Reggie and Hot Stuff are calling.

[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN. ]

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER holds a small box with a wire trailing from
it. TV's FRANK is in the background, standing in front of a
picture of a cow. A large, square block of white foam, cut
open to reaveal molding in the shape of TV's FRANK is there.
A small bag of fake snow is on the ground. ]

DR. F: You want me to call you Professor Keenbean. It's not going
to happen. [ He shakes his head, somberly. ]

DR. F: Our invention this week addresses one of the unfair things in
life. During the summer, the inside of your car soaks up all
the sun and you boil when you go in. Yet during winter, there
isn't enough heat to keep the car from freezing.

[ DR. FORRESTER steps back to TV'S FRANK, and takes a handful
of fake snow. ]

FRANK: So what we've invented is the automobile thermos bottle. I'm
here simulating a 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity sitting in a mall
parking lot near Leon, Wisconsin. [ DR. FORRESTER throws the
snow over him, and grabs another handful. ] It's early May,
and I'm just plain chilly.

DR. F: Now we just snap our car into the functional and lightweight
bottle and....

[ TV'S FRANK steps inside the foam; DR. FORRESTER closes it up.
DR. FORRESTER takes another handful of fake snow and throws
it at the box. ]

DR. F: How's that, Frank?

[ Several beats pass in silence ]

DR. F: Yup, nice and steady temperatures all year round.

[ DR. FORRESTER throws another handful of fake snow at the box. ]

DR. F: Over to you, Jackie Jokers.

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding an oversized marker; by TOM and CROW is set
up an easel, which has two columns of pictures. On the left,
drawings of feet, a car, a cat, and a box labeled 'ice cream.'
On the right, a refrigerator, a paper bag, a pair of socks and
a garage. ]

JOEL: If you're like me, and I know you are, you recall Bill Cosby's
whimsical yet educational series of "Picture Pages." Who
among us would not like to return to the days of waking up with
The Cos and his musical pen, solving entertaining puzzles?

TOM: We can't spend all our mornings with Bill Cosby, but we can
find our own puzzles and use our invention this week, our own
musical pen.

CROW: [ Looking over the puzzle ] OK, I know cars go in a garage, so
draw a line from the car to the garage.

[ JOEL draws, from the car to the garage, while that generic musical
sequence plays. ]

JOEL: Of course, we're never content to just recreate the old. We've
added the power of modern music synthesizers to allow us to
switch the musical pen to reggae ...

[ JOEL flips a switch and draws a line, from the feet to the freezer,
while the same sequence with a reggae beat plays ]

TOM: *Or* rockabilly.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the box of ice
cream to the cat. This time the music has a Chuck Berry feel. ]

CROW: And, of course, pipe organs.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the paper bag to
the feet. The music is an ominous dirge. ]

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?


[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is circling the box, sealing it with
packaging tape. ]

DR. F: I think you're gonna regret waking up today. Get this. You're
back on the Sonic the Hedgehog beat. We've got a little spray
of random neurons called "Jaded Views," a delightful tale of
nothing in particular. Read it and weep, Poppa Panda.


[ SOL DESK. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are singing and bouncing around. ]

ALL: Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages!
Time to get your crayons and your --

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

ALL: MOVIE SIGN!

[ General panic. They leave for the theater. ]

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL file in. ]

TOM: I think that claim's unduly optimistic.

CROW: Screenplay by Mark Evanier.

JOEL: From a story outline by Ron Goulart and Brian Daley.

TOM: Based on a sneeze by Harlan Ellison.

JOEL: Try stuffing your computer in a mimeograph machine.

CROW: You should've cloned deer instead.

TOM: You think there's a huge body of law dedicated to protecting
Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic characters?

CROW: In fact, none of us are even here.

JOEL: Jujubees.

TOM: What a neat coincidence. We want to plead for mercy from all
those same writers.

CROW: ... how we can't figure out how many people we are.

TOM: We won't be surprised.

JOEL: All righty.

ALL: This is an alternate reality and that the events here have
occurred differently for some reason.

CROW: Writing out "Service and Games." The true mark of the
hardcore fanboy.

JOEL: We surveyed 100 people about the exceptions for this story,
top five answers are on the board... Crow?

CROW: I'm gonna say "Superman."

JOEL: Show me... Superman!

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike! Next name?

CROW: Andy Richter.

JOEL: Andy Richter, is he on the board?

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes, you have one left.

CROW: Oh, man, oh, man, I'm gonna have to get this... uhh... Bookshire?

TOM: Good answer, good answer!

JOEL: Show me... Bookshire!

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding ding! You're up by 25 points... next?

CROW: I'm gonna go with Space Ghost and Dino Boy.

JOEL: Show me... Space Ghost with Dino Boy!

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Sorry, that's your third strike, we have to go to
the other side. Tom, this is your chance to steal it away
if you can find one character that's on the board.

TOM: This is tough, this is tough, I'm gonna go with... gotta be
one of the authors.

CROW: Ooh. Good one.

JOEL: Show me... Thaddeus Boyd or Stephen Tramer!

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding!

TOM: [ Jumping up and down ] I won! I won!

CROW: You got lucky!

JOEL: OK, second round, top eight answers are on the board, Crow, you
get this one.

CROW: OK, I'm gonna say Bud Collyer.

JOEL: Bud Collyer, are you up there?

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] That's your first strike of the second round.

CROW: That's it, I'm gonna pass.

JOEL: You sure?

CROW: Yup. Over to you, Tom.

TOM: Ooh, OK. I'm going with Tom and Jerry.

JOEL: Tom and Jerry, good answer, is it up there?

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike against you. No pressure, now.

TOM: Woody Woodpecker.

JOEL: Oh, Woody?

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes. A little pressure now. If you get
a third strike, Crow could steal it from you.

TOM: I'm not worried about that, it's just the loss of face I mind.

JOEL: So who're you going with?

TOM: Uhm... I don't know... Uh...

JOEL: We need an answer.

TOM: I, uh... I want...

TOM: [ Quickly ] Betty Boop!

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] I'm sorry, you weren't in time, and now Crow,
you have the chance to steal.

CROW: Ooh, uh, I'm gonna go with Mega Man.

JOEL: That's already up on the board.

CROW: Yeah, but I got a good feeling about it.

JOEL: Mega Man, you in there?

JOEL: Judges? ... ding ding ding ding!

CROW: Yeah!

JOEL: You win the second round, we're now tied, this will decide the
winner. Top three answers on the board, Tom, you have
control.

TOM: You know, we haven't seen everybody's fave ineffective
schmuckleball fanfic star yet. I bet Packbell's in it.

CROW: Good answer, good answer.

JOEL: Show me... Packbell!

TOM: Yes!

JOEL: Forty points for you, now, can you get either of the remaining
characters?

TOM: How many times have our illustrious authors put themselves in
already?

CROW: Three times, on two characters.

TOM: This is fishing, but I think there's another of the authors
left in this one.

JOEL: Let's see Boyd or Tramer...

TOM: Woo-hoo!

JOEL: You've got 65 points, Tom, now, can you bring it home? Can you
win this last one?

TOM: Aw, man, it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Uh... let's see.
Got Bookshire, got the authors over and over, got Packbell...

JOEL: Five seconds, Tom.

TOM: Any of the Rugrats!

JOEL: Thomas J. Servo, you will win this game if one of the Rugrats
comes out to play... show me Rugrats!

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Aw, I'm sorry, you do not carry the day.

TOM: I feel so inferior.

CROW: Did any of us win?

JOEL: We've still got the story to read.

JOEL: Or maybe not.

TOM: Sure looks like we can give up now.

CROW: It's too buttery.

JOEL: Bang.

CROW: Genie?

TOM: That's what we get for not knowing how to do stuff.

TOM: Fift... if that's Marrissa I'm gonna vomit.

JOEL: Two of the most powerful entities on the planet.
Can you tell we're in a fanfic?

CROW: Just kiss me.

TOM: I think Bunnie knocked her out with her accent.

JOEL: I mention this because you've surely forgotten this, and not
just because the readers only now got here.

CROW: I have no history, and I'm mighty jealous.

JOEL: You can just feel the tragedy.

TOM: Sentences like that are what happens when you just run together
titles of fantasy novels.

CROW: *And* the Power Holograms..

TOM: What, they needed more obnoxious twits whose personalities are
defined by eating chili dogs?

JOEL: It turns out instead of super-speed, the Sonic clone had
super-spelling abilities.

CROW: So he's perpetually on the verge of being beaten up in
middle school.

TOM: But other than creating another powerless pre-teen load it was
a *roaring* success.

JOEL: And other reasons that have been changed to protect the innocent.

CROW: Because they were out of good names that week.

TOM: With nowhere else to turn, he went to the home of his childhood
friend Oscar Madison.

JOEL: Xavier is Clark Kent!

CROW: Careful, that's what made Robin Williams stop being funny.

TOM: They let him sit at the "in" table in the cafeteria and then at
the table next to them at the pizza place.

JOEL: Unbeknownst to Speed Racer, Hedgehog X is secretly
his older brother Rex.

CROW: Or the being of two minds.

TOM: The man with two brains!

CROW: Known to still others as "snoogie wuggles."

JOEL: Our hero!

TOM: Which really comes in handy when he needs to watch bad movies.

JOEL: [ Ominously ] No doubt. If he knows what's good for him.
Mwuh-huh-huh-huh-hah-hah-hah!

CROW: I'm tired of waiting out the chunks of exposition.

TOM: In the criminal justice system the people are represented
by two separate yet equally important characters named X.

CROW: Wait, no, I'm done.

JOEL: On second thought, maybe it'd be more efficient to just poke
sticks at this stuff until it works again.

TOM: Ah lahk nuthin bettah than a chicken-fried 20 microFarad
capacituh.

CROW: [ Whiny voice ] Does this thing work on AC or PM?

TOM: [ Also whiny ] I don't wanna solder stuff, it smells sick.

JOEL: [ As above ] Are we the X's or the O's?

CROW: Considering none of us knows who Kabook is or why we should
care, I'd say no.

TOM: Ah, yes, the nominal star of our show, ladies and gentlemen.

JOEL: Knothole village observes a moment of D'oh.

ALL: [ Joel slapping his head ] D'oh!

CROW: The inside story of "R".

BOTS: [ Snickering ]

JOEL: Yes, folks, that's really French.

CROW: OK, Uncle.

TOM: Because we don't like you.

JOEL: She's actually a character from another show, is the problem.

CROW: Rack and *pinion*.

JOEL: And Ahm a hard place.

TOM: I repeat that after carefully enunciating it for all those who
missed it the first two times.

CROW: That's such an inspiring name. I'm going to change my name to
"Quro T. Rowbot," meaning, "the cute yellow robot."

TOM: So, his parents looked at him, noticed the was a black wolf,
and decided to name him "Black Wolf." Got it.

JOEL: The most incredible leader of the pack?

CROW: He's the chief, he's the pip, he's the championship.

TOM: Oh, this just in. Knuckles is also in this story.

CROW: His elaborate "festival of grasshoppers" left audiences confused
for weeks.

JOEL: A Freedom Fighter with annoying personality traits?
How did he slip through the cracks?

CROW: A hey? Quit horsing around!

TOM: I've just been handed a bulletin. Tails is in this fanfic too.

CROW: That's what happens when you recycle hair gel into wood pulp.

JOEL: Or I can make something up that's just as good.

TOM: Oh, great, the story's being invaded by IRCers.

CROW: Except that I'll probably have to eat at a
'Breakfast served anytime' sort of place.

TOM: How does he read the letter aloud so you can hear the
misspelled words?

JOEL: The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots is after Kabuki?

CROW: This passage included because mosquitoes and cheese are
hilarious words.

TOM: Or just raised in a barn?

JOEL: That's the plot twist for the *next* story.

CROW: African or European?

TOM: Aaaaaand he gets green slimed.

JOEL: Hey, Amaroq, if you're not going to advance the plot any,
could you at least have an annoying accent so we know
we can ignore you?

CROW: Sonic gets to be the leader 'cause he teleports from place
to place.

TOM: The opera.

CROW: Just because they're trapped in a desperate struggle for survival
against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn't mean they can't
maintain a very active theater community.

JOEL: Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool. Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb.
Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. -- I could go on like this all night,
but it's tough on my suspenders.

TOM: So that's, like, what, two years?

CROW: So the great form of civil disobedience on Mobius is the opera?

TOM: Oh, we gotta go, guys.

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Good for us.


[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is lying over the desk, holding a note in his hands.
JOEL looks up for a moment to say 'Dum-Dum!'
GYPSY and CROW enter. ]

GYPSY: [ To CROW ] So the phone company said since the problem was the
dead jacks were really just a separate number fixing them wasn't
covered in the monthly line repair premium I --
[ Discovering JOEL ] -- Oh, my!

TOM: Call the police!

[ GYPSY, CROW, JOEL hide under the desk. JOEL, holding the note,
and CROW, with a sherrif's star on his mask come up.
JOEL does another 'Dum-Dum!' ]

JOEL: [ Reading, showing letter to CROW ] Wandering Psycho. Guy can't
even spell psycho.

CROW: [ In his best Jerry Orbach voice ] Yeah, whatever happened to
literacy tests for criminals?

JOEL: We'll see what the crime lab makes of this.

[ JOEL puts the paper on the desk; he and CROW look to the side,
and GYPSY pops up. Joel makes the 'Dum-dum!' again. ]

GYPSY: There aren't any good prints, but we matched paint residues
to the types sold to cartoon studios.

JOEL: So we're dealing with an animated cartoon.

GYPSY: Of recent vintage, based on the samples.

CROW: Too bad. I always wanted to bring Dinky Doodle to justice.

[ GYPSY ducks under the desk, JOEL and CROW turn away from her,
TOM pops up. JOEL goes 'Dum-Dum!' again. ]

CROW: Mister Hedgehog! Could we talk with you?

TOM: My dad's Mister Hedgehog. I'm Sonic. Look, I don't know nothing
about this Wandering Psycho.

JOEL: How'd you know we were interested in the Wandering Psycho?

TOM: It's all over the street, man! I've got a brain.

CROW: Yeah, you got a brain. You got anything useful?

TOM: [ After a pause ] Kate Chaos. She's all you need.

[ TOM ducks down, JOEL and CROW look over, GYPSY pops up. ]

JOEL: Miss Chaos? Kate Chaos? [ Flashing his hand ]
NYPD, we'd like to talk about --

GYPSY: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TALK!

CROW: Miss Chaos, please, we just need to know --

GYPSY: [ Breaking down, sobbing ] All right, all right, I've been
jealous of Kabuki for years and when I saw the chance I had
to go for it... she had everything, I had nothing... I was
just taking my fair share... just what's coming to me...

JOEL: Miss Chaos, you have the right to remain silent...

[ ALL duck under the table for a moment. GYPSY, CROW (with the star
removed), JOEL and TOM stand up. JOEL quickly tosses a folded
paper on the desk. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ]

JOEL: And that's our final offer.

CROW: [ Normal voice ] Aggressive noodginess in the third? Forget it.

JOEL: You take us to trial, we push for the max jail time.

CROW: Fine. Over there's our motion to suppress the confession.

TOM: Why aren't I surprised?

[ JOEL tucks the paper down; GYPSY and TOM duck down; JOEL says
'Dum-dum!' ]

JOEL: Your honor, there's no reason to throw out her confession.

CROW: She wasn't Mirandized, it cannot stand.

JOEL: She wasn't even a suspect when she confessed!

MAGIC VOICE: I have to side with the defense. Confession is out.

JOEL: Your honor --

MAGIC VOICE: Out.

[ CROW and JOEL duck down, then come back up, this time with CROW's
sherrif star back on. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ]

CROW: [ With Jerry Orbach voice again ] Anyway, we had pulled the LUDs
on her phone but they didn't come until today --

JOEL: Tell me something I want to hear.

CROW: Twenty-eight calls in two days from Kate Chaos to Kabuki
Ninomiya. But here's the interesting thing. Five minutes
before every one of them, she called Amaroq Kapugen.

JOEL: Find him. Bring him in.

[ TOM pops up. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ]

CROW: How many times do we have to ask you, Mister Kapugen?

JOEL: You can stay silent. We've got enough to convict you.
Conspiracy to aggravated noodging. Just as much jail time
in this state. *OR*, you can cooperate, and we cut a deal.

TOM: What are you looking for anyway?

JOEL: A name. Something to go on.

TOM: [ After sulking ] George DiCenzo.

CROW: George DiCenzo. That the truth?

TOM: So help me.

[ JOEL, TOM, CROW duck under the table. CROW (without the sherrif's
star), JOEL and TOM come up. ]

CROW: I told you you didn't want my client.

JOEL: But she gives us DiCenzo --

TOM: Who was in "Back to the Future" with Christopher Lloyd --

JOEL: Who gives us Bob Hoskins by way of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" --

TOM: Getting us to "Balto" and --

CROW: You get Kevin Bacon. *We* get a suspended sentence.

JOEL: Deal.

[ GYPSY pops up; JOEL and TOM turn to the camera. JOEL goes
'Dum-dum!' again. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Does the defendant understand the terms of her plea?

GYPSY: I do, your honor.

MAGIC VOICE: Then your plea bargain is approved. We're recessed.

[ GYPSY and CROW duck under. COMMERCIAL SIGN begins flashing;
JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' again. ]

TOM: So you figure justice is fully served?

JOEL: Not quite, but we're a good bit closer than we were this morning.

TOM: What if the jury won't convict Bacon?

JOEL: If we can't take that risk now and then, why are we here?

TOM: [ Thoughtfully ] Hm.

JOEL: [ To camera ] We'll be right back.

[ JOEL taps commercial sign. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

[ ALL file in ]

JOEL: I can't wait to see us on A&E.

TOM: You see, it's very funny when French guys like opera and nobody
else does.

JOEL: You know, that's a lot of work. What if we just trade those
"Whassup" commercial ripoffs instead?

CROW: Anything can happen in a cut-away.

TOM: Incense and Peppermints.

JOEL: That's really the way you want every sentence to start.

CROW: Holey pants, Batman!

JOEL: Wait, wrong hand.

ALL: [ Snickering ]

TOM: Ah, he's from Movie Brooklyn.

JOEL: Golly gosh, you're a big-time newspaper reporter and I'm just
a copy boy. Ya think I can ever be important like you too?

TOM: We's gonnta be makin' yuh, dat's wut dat is.

JOEL: Maxl's getting advice from the jawas.

TOM: I mention my name because I know you're likely to forget it.

CROW: So, uh, when Robotnik overthrew the government and threw everyone
he could into the roboticizers, what were Maxl and Tracker doing
that he overlooked them?

JOEL: Oh, see, Robotnik conquered all of Mobius except for the junior
high schools.

TOM: Yeah, it turns out you get really incompetent SwatBots out of
Seventh Grade.

CROW: Really incompetent SwatBots? How could you tell?

JOEL: He doesn't even know the Fonzie move.

TOM: Work on your machinery in the great outdoors, but go into the
enclosed areas to perform some physical activity.

JOEL: [ As Maxl ] My life would be empty if I didn't have my watch.

CROW: Can *you* identify the plot point in this scene?

JOEL: We leave this here for everyone who wants to slap this story.

CROW: Sure, Mobius has been wracked by war for years,
but the rug shampooing services are still first-rate.

TOM: The average body is two heads tall.

CROW: Eyes are big, misshapen kidney-bean objects.

JOEL: Characters inserted into the series as the author's avatars
should be bright neon colors.

CROW: I get the next round of carpentry sheds.

TOM: Don't these guys have anything to do?

JOEL: It's probably winter break on Mobius or something.

CROW: Last time you snapped your fingers we vanished and
reappeared two weeks later in Jacksonville, Florida.

JOEL: You think if this detail keeps up we'll never get back
to the story?

TOM: And that's all the personality we can afford in this fanfic.

CROW: These people were fools, who'd never even suspected
he kept pools of duck sauce.

JOEL: Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Thrust! Ha!

TOM: See, thinking of meatloaf when you're fighting is very funny.

CROW: Yeah, and a chicken pot pie is laughing at you!

TOM: Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna fall for my own --

TOM: Never mind.

CROW: You're happy *and* you know it, and you *really* want
to show it!

JOEL: I hear there's a reward for anyone who can turn this into
something that makes sense.

CROW: [ As Maxl ] I thought my watch was making a break for it,
but I guess I was wrong.

TOM: Ten minutes of exercise, five times a year, is enough for anyone.

CROW: The story's all mixed up, it thinks one of us is in it.

JOEL: To the south is.

TOM: You may now hate the rest of the story.

CROW: Commence screaming.

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAA!

TOM: Shouldn't they have, like, a bed or something?

CROW: And got two quivers in change.

JOEL: Like shooting fish in a barrel... without a barrel...
and without a fish.

CROW: It's time to Mousercize.

TOM: Like, say, running electric current right into her body?

JOEL: And kicked some Tails.

CROW: The modem finally got an answer at AOL.

TOM: That's kind of an awkward hiss, actually.

JOEL: Except for Thworbsday.

TOM: Me, Al Franken.

CROW: So now we have three characters named X in one story.

TOM: That's funny because robots don't have flesh.

CROW: Speak for yourself, plastic-head.

JOEL: Oh, of course.

CROW: Because the Freedom Fighters weren't busy enough on Mobius.

TOM: If the Freedom Fighters were in charge of Canada during the
French and Indian War, they'd have been spending all their
time trying to launch a manned spaceflight to Saturn.

JOEL: One of them decided to become Peter Potamus;
the other, Precious Pupp.

CROW: Just like half the other characters on Mobius nowadays.

TOM: Sure it's kind of cheating to have your characters all
have the same personality, but it does make the story
easier to write.

JOEL: It's the formula for a trapezoid...but what does it mean?

CROW: But everything's so small and far...

JOEL: You hold the binoculars the other way.

TOM: All nice and pretty, like the 'hind, of Conway Twitty.

CROW: And by unique I mean sad and embarassing.

TOM: Yes, but they're all of former record-holding baseball players.

JOEL: Doctor Frank-n-furter.

TOM: Bret Easton Ellis makes an even more pathetic stab at getting
anyone to read his new stuff.

CROW: Maxwell makes the best VHS videotapes.

TOM: He keeps your videotapes from getting all staticky.

JOEL: Ooooh.

CROW: I knew we'd see that note again.

TOM: The story's just too tight to let it drop.

CROW: I've had that feeling with some of the stuff we've seen.

TOM: Because it was wrapped around a brick and thrown at her head.

JOEL: Happens all the time in these stories.

CROW: X and X feel closer to one another. It's something X and X just
don't understand.

TOM: Because calling them "florbnoxes" would be awkward.

JOEL: Or at least like Sonic.

TOM: He strongly believes that various meat products are hilarious.

CROW: And she always wore it, so don't go thinking the authors
just now thought it up.

JOEL: It's the ring of flashbacks!

CROW: Because Game Boy screens were known only to the 2038 teenaged
humans who'd been transported there from Earth to take on new
animal bodies and become trusted members of the inner cadre
of Freedom Fighters.

TOM: I have always relied upon this chapter.

JOEL: [ "Hitting" the screen ] Somebody jiggle the antenna, please.

CROW: The story proudly announces this is the year it's losing
those 15 pounds.

JOEL: It did not reflect the great taste of lymon.

TOM: That is to say, it was not green.

CROW: Discount Sisyphus. When you don't have time to push a rock
up a mountain for *all* eternity.

JOEL: If you make it angry the tree's going to pull a knife on you!

TOM: Ooooooh.

JOEL: I get it *now*.

CROW: Yeah... what?

TOM: Nope, nobody stole my wrist while I wasn't looking.

CROW: Somehow I empathize with him.

TOM: The accent is added for clarity.

JOEL: I wonder if she's connected to the other Siamese cat in
the story.

TOM: Practicing for the Presidential election.

CROW: Dealing with your student loan people, dramatically represented.

JOEL: It's like watching a Red Sox fan.

TOM: I understand being in the military is just like this.

JOEL: This is how I felt at every business meeting I ever attended.

TOM: I wonder if that's Mel Blanc's missing thousandth voice.

CROW: I think we do have to admit. Guys are just dopey.

TOM: As presented in the movies, anyway.

CROW: The Rudy Giuliani approach to psychiatric care.

JOEL: Hey! No fair flashbacking inside the flashback!

CROW: It's just a little thing she does.

TOM: The one whose name I can't think of for no readily
apparent reason.

JOEL: I think this badger's a ringer.

TOM: And when a Mobian's eyes are big, you know it's big.

CROW: The truth behind LASIK surgery.

TOM: And this is progress?

CROW: Man, it's like we've known him all his life.

JOEL: We wuz headed fur Canarsie an' dis cabbie pulls up onna curb.

TOM: [ Awed ] The birth of Orko!

CROW: [ Calling out ] Hey, Kabuki! Jiggle the ring again!

TOM: Yeah, any robot babes in there?

JOEL: It's particularly frustrating because she could have a
meaningful life of sneaking into Robotropolis to commit
vague and pointless minor acts of sabotage or to steal
precious supplies of canned beets.

TOM: [ As the green badger ] Why aren't couches named something
tougher?

CROW: Get funkalicious!

TOM: Freedom Fighters Moe, Larry and Curly.

JOEL: Even armageddon can't stop you from getting pre-approved
credit cards in the mail.

CROW: *And* peanut brittle.

TOM: Jade has some issues with rage to work out.

CROW: [ As Kabuki ] No, really! Stop giggling!

JOEL: A fingernail once saved my life.

TOM: [ As Maxl ] Goldfish don't retire! My parents lied!

CROW: Our authors, ladies and gentlemen.

TOM: Maybe we could slaughter them a little?

JOEL: Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing!

CROW: Remember, kids, adverbs make sentences longer, but don't mean
anything themselves.

TOM: It'd be kind of hard to save her in the past.

CROW: Not even half past the story... dang, I gotta stay.

JOEL: Can Freakazoid come over? Can Freakazoid come over?

TOM: Ever since I replaced my hair with paper napkins.

JOEL: Is she calling the Oompa Loompas?

TOM: It was the only compassionate way to help Captain Kirk
overcome the pain of losing Rayna.

CROW: If Kabuki had gone straight to the police, this would
never have happened.

TOM: [ As Elmer Fudd ] Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heeeeuh

JOEL: We now pause to remember those video game systems that have
died before us.

TOM: And for some reason the word was "eolith."

JOEL: Apart from the stuff about the bagel chips.

CROW: For... reasons that might make sense to somebody else.

TOM: If they had made a Ghostbusters III, it should've been
a 3-D movie. That's what I think.

CROW: You know where I'd look? The treasure of the Sierra Madre.

TOM: Good answer, good answer.

CROW: Just as soon as this turns into a Next Generation fanfic.

JOEL: You can never have too many gone.

TOM: Need at least eight hundred. Maybe four.

CROW: But no more than three, so let's say eighteen thousand,
at a minimum.

JOEL: I got an offer to be in a "Samurai Pizza Cats" fanfic.

TOM: This could be our chance to get rid of all the characters.

JOEL: So what are you organizing a search party for?

CROW: X, you and X check in the attic. X and X, you go out back and
see if anyone's there. X, X, and X can check the neighbors,
while me and X will call and see if X or X learned anything
from talking with X, X, X, and X.

TOM: No search party's complete without glib quotes insulting Robotnik
and whining about chili dogs.

JOEL: So we can make this more needlessly risky.

CROW: This isn't saying a lot for the Mobian brain trust.

JOEL: Without getting it all chewy.

CROW: Write if you get subplots!

TOM: 'Cause they have warp rings to exit the Hidden Palace, you know.

JOEL: They blew up Knothole!

CROW: Bet it blowed up lame.

TOM: Real lame, or it would've been in the backstory.

CROW: Hey, this spot's an optical allusion!

JOEL: Huts rarely move more than four feet per day except
at the height of mating season.

CROW: [ Reading ] Doorbell out of order, blow trumpet to the right.

TOM: The least popular Pokemon.

JOEL: I hear this note was donated by SonicFan.

CROW: Opra, The Okra Opera, starring Ochre Oprah.

TOM: [ Elmer Fudd ] In holy matwimony. Eh-heh-heh-hheh-heeeeeh.

JOEL: Oh, now that's the smiley representing a carpenter's square.

CROW: She's good at that. She should write the parody names of TV
shows and movies for Mad magazine.

JOEL: And... and there's a little *more* dust on it!

TOM: It's a plant by a power-mad Sid Meier.

JOEL: Two cosine half-theta sine half-theta.

CROW: Sneezing on the keyboard, dramatically represented.

JOEL: Anyone else get the feeling we're not going to see all the
backstory here?

CROW: Like where Maxl and Jade and Tracker came from, why they're in
one body, what that stuff with the rings was?

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Exactly.

TOM: Get the Super-8 projector, we can do something about that.

[ ALL file out. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

[ SOL DESK. A movie screen is rigged up to stage left of the doors.
JOEL stands to stage right, holding a kazoo. ]

JOEL: Hit it, Cambot!

[ JOEL begins playing Star Wars-like theme. ]

[ On the projector, black piece of cardboard slide into view. Written

on it is: "A long time ago in a Mobius far, far away..."

Cardboard is slid out; new piece is slid in. On it is written
"JADED VIEWS"

Cardboard is slid out; new piece is scrolled up slowly.
It reads:

EPISODE I
THE PREQUEL MENACE

It is a time of great turmoil. The evil ROBOTNIK is
in control of MOBIUS, unless he is not. But HOPE is
not lost, as from their secret HIDDEN PALACE the
valiant FREEDOM FIGHTERS are fighting VALIANTLY

for FREEDOM.

In MUCH and DESERVEDLY overlooked MITROFAN IVANOVICH
NEDELIN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL three young and perky
badger FRIENDS, TRACKER the clean-minded one, JADE
(a lass of fifteen winters plus a summer in FLORIDA)
and MAXL, the FUN-loving one, draw UNKNOWINGLY near
a horrible FATE that will someday leave the future
of MOBIUS hanging in the BALANCE.

UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED, ESPECIALLY to
COMPUTER BULLETIN BOARDS.

JOEL quickly stops kazooing, and takes down the screen. CROW and
TOM (who has a notebook stuck on his arm) enter. ]

TOM: I give up, Maxl. What did you find in your gym locker today?

CROW: [ With as ridiculous a Brooklyn accent as can be managed. ]
I found me this weird little ring. Wasn't there yesterday,
I don't know who left it.

TOM: Boy, how weird can you get?

GYPSY: [ Walking in ] Hey, guys, what's up?

CROW: Hey, Jade, I was just showin' Tracker this weirdo ring I found.

GYPSY: It doesn't look like much. What's it do?

CROW: Beats me. Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we all looked at this
ring at the same time and it magically fused us all into a
single body that we each wrestled for control of?

TOM: Hey, yeah, that'd be *extra* keen!

GYPSY: Maxl, that's the dumbest thing I --

[ TOM, CROW and GYPSY all start shaking and making babbling noises.
There's a PUFF of smoke and the three of them duck behind
the desk. A ring goes flying up and onto the desk. ]

JOEL: [ Coming in, pushing a broom. He spots and picks up the ring. ]
Oh, this is nice. I'll have to give this to my daughter
Kabuki, if she wasn't captured by the forces of evil today.
[ JOEL shuffles offstage, humming. ]

[ CROW slowly gets up. ]

CROW: [ With his Brooklyn voice ] Oh, man, what did we do?

CROW: [ With GYPSY's voice ] Maxl, you blundering idiot!

CROW: [ With TOM's voice ] Hey, this is cool!

CROW: [ With the Brooklyn voice ] Oh, neat, we're going to get three
times the allowance now!

CROW: [ With TOM's voice ] And with the three of us chewing, we'll be
able to blow *really big* bubble gum bubbles!

CROW: [ With GYPSY's voice ] Find that ring. I'm getting out of this
chicken outfit.

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

CROW: [ With the Brooklyn voice ] We can't!

CROW: [ ALL VOICES ] WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ TOM and JOEL are sitting in the theater. CROW enters. ]

CROW: Hey, who're the robots?

TOM: We are the best.

JOEL: Yup, you are.

TOM: Yeah, or else we'll lose their skills at... running into trees.

CROW: And that's my only line.

JOEL: Check the papers and see where Susan Kane is performing.

ALL: Get them out! Shove them out! Waaaay out!

JOEL: Check your jackets!

TOM: You look under the car seat?

CROW: You mailed them with the phone bill, I'm telling you.

TOM: Y'know, I just see Thaddeus and Stephen eating the rubber
pizza in lunch period and writing that line and snickering
all the way until seventh period when Mrs. Falvo told them
to pay attention to her readings from "The Red Pony."

CROW: I now come in a refreshing mint sensation.

JOEL: A lot of watch-checking in this story.

CROW: Must be the high crime area.

TOM: We only have all the time in the world to look for them!

JOEL: This is the Buffalo Sabres. How may we direct your call?

CROW: And maybe somebody to help us move this couch.

TOM: We're wedged in, half past the sixth chapter.

CROW: [ Singing ] Here I come to save the day!

JOEL: Not to disparage the story or anything, but that's a sequence
of words I would've bet I'd never hear in my life.

TOM: Roger, Vector. How is Hector?

CROW: The calls are coming from inside the fanfic!

JOEL: And just off the plaid.

TOM: Man, lunch is *never* gonna get here.

JOEL: Right next to its only remaining Lutheran deli.

CROW: Robotnik was more a fan of the Mobotropolis Pops.

TOM: Kirk would always be cooler than Picard.

CROW: It was his fault that nobody's made a good "Popeye" cartoon
since 1950.

JOEL: It was his fault that "Freaks and Geeks" got cancelled.

TOM: Obviously, one of the Skeksis would die to balance
everything out.

JOEL: Even her bunny books seem empty to her.

TOM: [ Thick Brooklyn accent ] I choose so's I can swallow safely.

JOEL: He's got season tickets, is all.

TOM: [ As Jade ] Hey! My watch is here, but somebody took my wrist!

CROW: And two hardboiled eggs!

TOM: Honk!

CROW: Make that three hardboiled eggs!

ALL: Too quiet.

TOM: Too nothing.
[ JOEL puts his hand on TOM's shoulder. ]

JOEL: It's gotta be ghost pirates from space.

CROW: o/` Five, six, seven, *kick*! o/`

TOM: And no smell like mutton!

JOEL: [ Fanning his arms ] No, *you* teleported!

TOM: If you reported, you teleported.

CROW: Hey, I'm standin' here, and I'm telling you, *you* teleported.

JOEL: Unless she took the Stargate portal to Apokalips.

CROW: And for that you need a good breakfast with Cheerios.

TOM: The more likely you're going to have a layover in Detroit.

JOEL: So, anybody else picture Hedgehog X's voice being done
by Keanu "Bill & Ted" Reeves?

CROW: I already checked it, you still just add the length and the width
and double it.

TOM: As soon as they notice we've got their car keys.

CROW: Because you're not safe on your own ever since the SwatBots
discovered how vulnerable you are to the "Your shoelace is
untied" trick.

JOEL: Neither are we in Utica. So what?

TOM: You must use your skills in sideways bunny hopping.

CROW: Aaaaand...STOP!

TOM: Oooh! You hit a whammy!

TOM: Wait, no, that's Cobra's evil flying aircraft carrier.

JOEL: Oh, yeah, I had to take those in eighth grade.

CROW: They finally invented a computer that waits until you go
to the bathroom and then moves the chess pieces around.

JOEL: Like how to clean off soap scum from the glasses.

TOM: Known as X, to avoid confusion.

CROW: I wonder if he wages his battles to destroy the evil forces
of the Decepticons.

JOEL: That's moderately tricky to say ten times fast.

TOM: He must've had the key of imagination.

CROW: Then walk right back and lick us on the nose. We just want
to mess with your head.

JOEL: But if the chapter ends too soon they won't be able
to head them off at the pass.

TOM: Great, we're gonna see four hours of Sonic rambling about his
girlfriend, his mom, and the cab driver he had last week.

CROW: Pikachu! Yah-lee! I choose you!

JOEL: It's a quick C flat right off the snap, laterals to Szustakowski
who looks left, looks right, stares right at the camera, shouts
"PEOPLE!" and goes running away, smashing through the stands!
No down!

TOM: Wait, I've got it! The solution to all our problems! Quick, you
dress up as Andrew Jackson and I'll get the Cracklin' Oat Bran!

CROW: The one that got you a Grammy for "silliest anthropomorphized
mammal running into a tree without lip-synching"'

TOM: [ Name Game song ] Foity, foity boi boity, banana nana fo foity,
mee mi mo moity, foity!

CROW: ...the one with the carport?

JOEL: Wait, my mistake. It's that other thing.

TOM: Or the cats...

JOEL: The elephants?

CROW: Or their corrupt manager trying to cheat them out of
the money they need to reopen the opera house.

JOEL: [ As Shaggg ] Today, Sonic and the gang meet Jerry Reed!

TOM: Obsessive-compulsive zephyrs around here.

CROW: It's a completely random plot point.

JOEL: And nobody saw them back.

TOM: Maybe it was Merril Markoe, playing a joke?

JOEL: Sue me!

CROW: Paramagnetic?

TOM: Parasympatheic?

JOEL: No, you're all wrong, it's paratactic.

CROW: It's Foghorn Leghorn, in drag.

TOM: Now, when she chases Shaggy and Scooby in here, she'll step on
this wood plank sitting on the remote-controlled Hess truck.
We set it going full speed forward and then make a sharp turn,
sending her flying into the washing machine, we slam it shut,
and clean up the mystery the case of the creepy green ghost
pirate hedgehog from space.

JOEL: And now, on with the Opera! Let joy be unconfined. Let there
be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and
necking in the parlor.

TOM: [ Singing ] Pretty Mary Sunlight, she'll all right with me.

TOM: [ Continuing ] Pretty Mary Sunlight, she's everything I need.

JOEL: [ Laughing weakly ]

CROW: Anything can happen in a fanfic, but it still won't be amusing.

TOM: [ Continuing ] Some people spend their whole lives chasing
after dreams... they don't know what they've been missing...

TOM: G.I.Joe is... somewhere else.

CROW: We can hear the rattle from here.

JOEL: [ Standing, waving his hands as a conductor. ]

ALL: [ Singing music to "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" ]

TOM: [ As JOEL and CROW continue ] Your plot points will be processed
in the order in which the authors think of them.
[ TOM resumes "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" ]

CROW: Are they actually that liked?

TOM: Shouldn't have had that bratwurst and sauerkraut for lunch.

CROW: Just trust us, folks. If you were there, there'd be
such drama at this point.

JOEL: You know, I can't think of the end of this song.

CROW: I can't think of anything but.

CROW: [ Singing ] Don't look so perplexed!
Why must you be vexed?
Can't you see you're next?

JOEL: [ Woman screaming ] Aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuaaauuughh! SPLAT!

TOM: In "Sonic the Hedgehog" that just means he has shorts
instead of a vest.

CROW: [ Jumping into an empty seat to the left of TOM. ]
O mighty warrior of great fighting stock...
Might I inquire to ask ... [ chewing ] Eh, what's up, Doc?

JOEL: It's not quite Charles Dickens reading 'A Christmas Carol.'

CROW: [ Dismissively ] Magic helmet.

TOM: Talks broke off shortly after midnight.

CROW: [ From one chair ] Oh, Brunhilde, you're so wovewy!
[ Jumping to the next ] Yes, I know it, I can't help it!

JOEL: That's pretty much our response to everything.

TOM: Maybe if we bought him new underwear, told him it was a gift?

CROW: [ Returning to his seat ] Poor wittle bunny...
poor wittle wabbit.

JOEL: Bonk!

CROW: [ Sitting down again ] Well, what did you *expect* in an
opera, a happy ending?

TOM: [ Flatly ] Ha ha ha ha ha. That is a funny, funny pun.

CROW: He'd stay in the story if he weren't such a big chicken.

TOM: [ As Jade ] Aaah! Somebody stole my hand!

JOEL: Don't stop her on our account.

CROW: I don't want him in *my* tank.

JOEL: [ As Snagglepuss ] Exit! Stage left even!

TOM: Um... I could make a hat out of it.

CROW: She's kind of funny that way.

JOEL: Most doors are operated from central control rooms miles away.

TOM: No, take door number two!

CROW: Take the box! The box!

JOEL: Dare ya to lick 'em.

CROW: Somewhere, by someone.

JOEL: [ As Rocky, the gangster ] Turn on da lights, Mugsy.

JOEL: [ As Rocky, the gangster ] Turn 'em off! Turn 'em off!

CROW: Bang!

TOM: The maid screamed. Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the
horizon.

CROW: Y'know, the opera house is harder to break into than
Robotnik's headquarters is.

TOM: [ As Sonic ] Wait!

JOEL: [ As X3 ] What is it?

TOM: [ As Sonic ] I have to know! Why is he called 'Donkey' Kong
when he's a gorilla?

JOEL: Don't forget your lines!

TOM: This'll be the best presentation of "The Odd Couple"
any middle school ever put on!

JOEL: With their little rat taunts of "nanny nanny boo boo."

CROW: Shouldn't X3 be eating Frosted Flakes then?

TOM: Maybe it would have been just as effective to push something
a little less heavy?

CROW: We can't keep fighting -- it's a school night!

JOEL: King Kong couldn't cover a Mobian's eyes!

CROW: It could've been a knife, but katanas are way cooler.

TOM: I am a *gecko*, not *Geico*. Please stop calling me!

CROW: Mark dumped her and started going around with a set of
Klackers from the early 80s.

JOEL: And of course, Lassie.

TOM: [ As Wakko ] Time to make googly faces at the neighbors?

CROW: [ As Dot ] Time to make toothless references to B-list
celebrities in place of actual jokes?

JOEL: [ As Yakko ] No, siblings, it's time for -- The Wheel
of Morality!

CROW: Now, *catching* it is just showing off.

TOM: Strangely, the third basement is above the attic. Weird place.

CROW: [ As Jade ] Aw, no! Somebody stole my whole lower arm!

TOM: That's how long this story took to plot.

JOEL: [ Shaking his hand around, screaming in pain ] Yeeow! Ow!
Aaaugh! Oooowieowowwww!

TOM: Or a snuggly kiss.

CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand.

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Works for me.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. Lights are low, with a spotlight behind the desk.
JOEL is sitting in front of the desk. TOM comes out. ]

TOM: [ As JOEL applauds ] Hello! Thank you all for coming to
the Big-Time Wacky Forced Fun Comedy Improv Ha-Ha Revue!
[ CROW, GYPSY pop up to the left of TOM. ]

CROW: We're your performers, Crow T. Robot...

GYPSY: And Gypsy. Just Gypsy.

TOM: I'm your host, Tom Servo, and we're here to show you the best
kind of fun is the spontaneous fun that comes from words you
the audience reflexively laugh at!

GYPSY: We need from you a funny location?

JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Bridge of the starship Enterprise!

CROW: Bridge of the Enterprise, good one. Now what's a common word
that looks really weird if you say it too often?

JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Pastry!

TOM: Pastry, now, can we please have from you a funny adjective?

JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Lugubrious!

CROW: Lugub... uh... I guess that's a word. OK.

GYPSY: A ridiculous celebrity?

JOEL: [ Clapping. ] Oprah!
[ TOM buzzes. ]

GYPSY: Ooh, I'm sorry, Oprah is on our retired wall and can't be entered
into the competition. Another one, please?

JOEL: Elvis!
[ TOM buzzes. ]

GYPSY: I'm sorry, he's another retired celebrity. You're now down by
four points and I'm afraid if you give another wrong celebrity
you won't be able to continue in this round.

CROW: Think carefully, now.

JOEL: [ Cautiously ] W-- William... [ TOM and CROW shake their heads. ]
I mean Richard Simmons.
[ TOM, CROW, GYPSY hastily confer. ]

GYPSY: OK, we'll allow it this time.

TOM: Thank you! Thank you all and goodnight!

JOEL: Wait, my sketch!

CROW: Up, he's a sharp one! Almost let us put one past you.

TOM: Yes, now, just a moment, please.
[ TOM, CROW and GYPSY hide under the desk for a moment. JOEL claps. ]

GYPSY: [ Coming up, far left of the desk. ] Captain's log, stardate
1234.5. The bridge of the Enterprise is calm, and we expect
nothing odd to happen.
[ JOEL chuckles. ]

CROW: [ Coming up, beside GYPSY; doing his Sulu impersonation ]
Captain, engineering reports we now have full pastries.
[ JOEL chuckles. ]

GYPSY: Full pastries? That's not good enough, mister. Get me Richard
Simmons, now. And offer him a pastry.

TOM: [ Popping up on the far right. ] Hey, everybody, it's me,
Richard Simmons on the viewscreen! Is that you over there
on the bridge of the Enterprise? With pastries?

CROW: It appears to be Richard Simmons with our pastry, Captain.

GYPSY: I can see the pastry, and Richard Simmons, Mister. Status?

TOM: We're certainly having lugubrious weather these days!
[ JOEL laughs, claps. ]
TOM: [ Breaking character ] Thank you! Thank you all!
[ CROW, GYPSY, TOM congretate in the center and start taking bows. ]
TOM: And thank you for coming out to the Big-Time Wacky Forced Fun
Comedy Improv Ha-Ha Revue! Remember, we're the place where
you make your own fun!

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds.

JOEL: [ Getting up, walking to the desk. ] Hey, thanks guys, you were
great as always.

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ]

JOEL: We'll be right back.
[ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

[ ALL file in ]

JOEL: I just can't get enough of improv comedy.

TOM: Tell me about it.

JOEL: Knowing is half this chapter.

CROW: And Maxl was halfway through the teeter-totter.

TOM: While Sonic got lost on the slide.

JOEL: [ Schwarzenegger accent ] On closer examination these are
loafers.

CROW: Combined with the Army of the Tilt-a-Whirl

TOM: Cake out in the rain.

CROW: Ah am an island!

JOEL: You see? Your stupid Mobian brains! Stupid stupid stupid!

TOM: That Marmaduke is one -- big -- dog!

CROW: To start with, Maxl, you're about as stealthy as NBC.

JOEL: Don't use a bow tie, that's just trouble.

TOM: So from all experiences and cultures of the humans who've been
teleported to Mobius, the only thing the Freedom Fighters
adopted was product placement?

JOEL: [ Waving his arms ] I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!

CROW: All the white-hot intense combat of fourth period gym.

JOEL: Charlie X is going to get a spanking.

CROW: Hey, Charlie *X*!

JOEL: Ooh, yeah!

TOM: Hot dog eating contest.

CROW: Oh, right, that's the ballot question about issuing bonds for
a new aqueduct.

TOM: The loss of wackiness was keenly felt.

CROW: I have a science report on snails I have to do first.

JOEL: Oh, it's the people of Sweethaven, come to greet Popeye.

TOM: We're recording a new "Bloopers" special.

CROW: Oh, good. Dulcy *always* gets things moving again.

TOM: Dulcy is the Sonic fanfiction version of the drum solo.

JOEL: And some of us built a giant wooden bunny and...

TOM: [ As pro wrestling announcer ] Hitting her with a folding chair,
and the referees must be asleep! They call this a sport!

CROW: [ Baby talking ] Oooh, you're so sweet, I could just eat you up!
Yes, I could!

JOEL: Finally, something to reduce the number of X's in this story.

TOM: That of a giant robotic Toucan Sam.

CROW: And somewhere, a child cried out in the night.

TOM: With a sprinkling of paprika.

JOEL: The Zan and Jana of Mobius.

TOM: I can't believe it's not bettah.

CROW: [ Makes a loud kiss noise ]

TOM: Rotor brought that along just in case he captured the Creature
from the Black Lagoon.

JOEL: And only a few places like the mall!

CROW: Heeey -- if we can just dump Antoine, the Irritating Squad will
be all gone!

ALL: *You* teleported!

TOM: Somebody get the aerosol, *please*!

CROW: Ahem. Olly olly oxen-free! ... Well, done all I can do.

JOEL: Those of you who aren't groups of two will undergo mitosis.

CROW: You know, the Greater Great Forest Metropolitan region.

TOM: Just as I suspected! We're surrounded on all sides by film!

CROW: Dulcy appears a lot in these fanfics, considering she never gets
on screen.

TOM: And after that, we'll conduct a thorough search of the
bookshelves and the lawn care stores.

JOEL: I think if I had *meant* whirlybird, I would have *said*
whirlybird.

CROW: Maybe set up a car dealership, ice cream stand, whatever.

TOM: I'm not very useful.

JOEL: I'd be happy if there were more words like 'coterie.'

CROW: The Initiation 27 wasn't so bad, it was the yellow food dye
number five that was the problem.

JOEL: You can't have enough comic relief in one scene.

TOM: I think he's in Marvel comics, raising a band of superheroes.

JOEL: To unlucky town?

CROW: Heck, I'm not even seeing you, now.

TOM: I have the astonishing ability to advance the plot.

JOEL: Back when they were still talking to each other.

TOM: 'Cause everyone was stupid.

TOM: If he hadn't said it with determination, we wouldn't have
believed him.

CROW: Yummy!

JOEL: They really should've waited for the elevator.

TOM: Which by the way she has, so don't think she's a dummy.

CROW: Which by the way he has, so don't think *he's* a dummy.

TOM: [ Sung to 'I've been working on the railroad' ]
All the doo-dah-diddly long day!

CROW: [ As Jade ] Oh, lovely, now somebody stole my whole arm.

JOEL: Any longer and you won't be credited for appearing
in this fanfic at all.

CROW: But I think I'd like you less if you were twice as tall,
half as wide, and voiced by Gary Owens.

TOM: Explain it all to you in... a song!

JOEL: Ooh, her cyborg parts have been upgraded to iMacs.

CROW: Bunnie's a highly trained operative and so knows how to miss.

JOEL: [ As Kabuki ] By the way, I want to thank everybody for letting
me back in the fanfic after Jade disintegrated me and all that.

TOM: See, if you get killed on Mobius that just means you have to
spend more time with Bunnie and Antoine.

CROW: Which Mighty Ducks movie actually was the best.

TOM: I hope she at least starts making silly faces at them.

JOEL: Actually, I was thinking about candy!

TOM: Hellooooooooooooooooo...

CROW: Helloooooooooooooo...

JOEL: Helloooooooooo...

ALL: Hello!

ALL: [ Making overdone slurping noises ]

JOEL: I love those chocolate force-field shakes.

TOM: Square dancing's down.

CROW: Packbell's unusually effective this story.

TOM: And she swallows a bug.

JOEL: Shake it like you mean it!

CROW: Toaster oven!

JOEL: Vaseline dependency!

TOM: Leading cheese importer

ALL: Ooooh.

CROW: I could've sworn I was right.

TOM: Is there anybody here who's not OK with that?

JOEL: I'm cool.

CROW: Me too.

JOEL: You haven't told us which was your favorite New Kid on the Block!

CROW: No, really! We're not just making this up!

TOM: But it's also possible they're setting us up for the best
surprise birthday party ever.

JOEL: Are you still here?

TOM: It's a little odd, but I'd like the Beatles, "Magical Mystery
Tour," going out to that special someone who knows who she is.

CROW: No, but we can offer a good deal on Tim Curry.

JOEL: Uh, is he a living American male?

TOM: Is he bigger than a breadbox?

CROW: Does it relate in any way to Yvonne Craig?

CROW: Staying up late, throwing parties, never filling up the gas tank.

TOM: Heck, I don't mind if you twirl your duodenom.

JOEL: And there's a Jib.

CROW: [ As Maxl ] Hey, it was relatively clean.

TOM: Except for Grimace, who was hamburgling.

JOEL: Aaah! A mouse!

TOM: If you keep making that face it'll freeze like that.

CROW: The tragic reality of cotton candy people.

JOEL: Now why doesn't that work on the Vice-Principal?

TOM: Jade was rescued alive, well, and of normal size
some eight thousand miles away.

CROW: Oh, we just can't have nice silence around here.

TOM: Yes, and, uh, there's more of that coming to you, Packbell,
if you ever show your face again.

JOEL: The creepy thing is if I died right now, that would be the
last thought I'd ever have. Not thinking of my family,
my friends, everything I ever hoped or dreamed. but talk
about how Maxl's nasal discharge displaced Jade into
another dimension.

TOM: I took notes on last week's "Voyager."

CROW: That line works better if you imagine Bunnie didn't say it,
but Johnny Bravo did.

TOM: It still won't make the fanfic make actual sense.

CROW: So you see how it was so, uh, ironic that they were trapped
in the same body, by some force, somewhere, for some reason.

TOM: That stopped for some reason.

JOEL: Now he can look forward to just being the annoying
supporting castmember.

TOM: [ As Maxl ] Heeey! X! I didn't know you were God!

CROW: Uh... anyone know how to get there?

TOM: But shtupid.

JOEL: Actually, he monitored them for like five minutes and then
started watching televised golf.

CROW: Lay madness.

TOM: Plus he blubbers like a two-month-old.

JOEL: What with your sneezing and your stalking Kabuki.

CROW: Why, are you breaking apart?

TOM: But you've had them nearly a day, you should be an expert.

JOEL: Just who did put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop.

CROW: And did that person also write the book of love?

TOM: Plus, like, Digimon comes on at two and I don't want to miss it.

CROW: See, if Mobius just had yearbooks they could write all this
stuff down.

TOM: X, X, X, X, and X: 2 Good, 2 Be, 4 Gotten.

JOEL: Hey, did Sonic ever wake up?

TOM: Nope, he's gone for good.

JOEL: Rotor's not a very good stage hypnotist.

CROW: Nah, just want to know how long until lunch.

TOM: Does a watch really need a carburetor?

JOEL: Now it's *completely* broken!

CROW: Now if you could make one that didn't weigh ten pounds
and wasn't two feet long.

TOM: Or any good yam recipes? I'm starved.

JOEL: 'Cause it's Olsen Twin residue.

TOM: And I've got a neat Popeye style pipe you could use.

CROW: Ooh, and I've got a spare lobster bib for you.

JOEL: You know what you need? Those mittens with drawings that
disappear when it's cold and come back when it's warm!

TOM: [ As Maxl ] So what do you do exactly?

CROW: [ As Antoine ] I make them glad they're not me.

JOEL: So there's no sense trying to imagine something new.

CROW: Heeey, look at these notches. Antoine, you're a fatty!

JOEL: [ As Antoine ] No, no, I must just be big-boned!

TOM: That's just where you store your hoagies.

CROW: And hey, that sending creepy threatening letters? Forget it!

TOM: Until you discover it doesn't work on soup.

JOEL: X can make the Kessel run in under six parsecs.

TOM: And thanks to all the members of the Academy, without which
none of this would have been necessary.

JOEL: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a
pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

CROW: Don't you worry, I know the all the hills and mountains
around here.
[ JOEL makes a crashing noise ]

TOM: What about that one?

CROW: Hello, Cliff!

JOEL: Let my passengers go.

TOM: [ As Maxl ] So should I come over and visit?

JOEL: [ As X ] No, that's all right.

TOM: [ As Maxl ] I could call!

JOEL: [ As X ] You can leave, just leave!

TOM: [ As Maxl ] Should I write?

JOEL: [ As X ] Just buzz off!

CROW: And how many of them he'd vaporized by sneezing at them.

JOEL: Aw, now somebody stole my whole *body*!

TOM: And that's a wrap.
[ JOEL picks up TOM. ALL exit. ]


[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]


[ SOL DESK. CROW and TOM face one another. A bouquet of flowers is on
the desk. ]

CROW: Is there a lovelier time of year than spring?

TOM: Sheer perfection it is, if only --

[ TOM leans towards the flowers and sniffs ]

TOM: [ With a stuffed nose ] If-- only-- my allergies-- they're--

[ TOM begins to sneeze. ]

JOEL: [ Off stage ] Halt!

[ CROW and TOM freeze. ]

JOEL: [ Walking in, between them ] It's incredible to consider, every
day in the United States and Canada alone over 56 people sneeze.
Many give no thought to the consequences of their actions.

TOM: [ Breaking out of scene ] Wat of the lives ruined by those
thoughtless sneezes? What of the people cast into alternate
universes by an accidental nasal discharge? What of the
innocent bystanders?

CROW: [ Also breaking out ] We of the National Sneeze Council admit
it's impossible for the average individual to refrain entirely
from sneezing. However, with thought, planning, and a sensible
concern for the well-being of others, you can keep your sneezing
to no more than three or even four carefully chosen sneezes in
the average lifetime.

JOEL: Remember, we of the National Sneeze Council do not insist that
you go without sneezing. We simply ask that you sneeze
responsibly.

TOM: For further information --

CROW: Including our free pamphlet --

TOM: Write the National Sneeze Council, Boulder, Colorado, 80302.

JOEL: Sneezing. It's a lifetime committment.

[ MADS sign flashes. ]

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?


[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER and TV's FRANK are standing opposite one
another. They take turns sneezing at one another, each
getting four sneezes in. ]

DR. F: Oh, I forget, Frank. What were we fighting about?

FRANK: You know, I can't remember it either.

[ They look at one another and laugh, several short laughs. ]

DR. F: Frank, Frank, Frank. What would I do without you?

FRANK: Wait a minute! I remember! You were trying to mail me to the
John Fenwick Service Plaza on the New Jersey Turnpike!

DR. F: Oh, no, not at all, Frank. It was just a pun.

FRANK: [ Mollified. ] Oh. I'm sorry. Shall I get the button?

DR. F: Please do.

[ AS TV'S FRANK turns to press the button, DR. FORRESTER gives him
the TV 'judo chop' to the back. DR. FORRESTER winces in
pain and shakes and cradles his hand, while TV's FRANK turns
back around. ]

FRANK: [ As DR. FORRESTER hides his hand quickly ] Did you say
something?

DR. F: No, nothing, nothing at all... carry on.

[ TV's FRANK turns again. DR. FORRESTER starts a second judo chop, but
stops when TV'S FRANK looks back. TV'S FRANK turns one more
time and there's one more fake-out in the judo chop before... ]


|
\ | /
\ | /
--- O ---
/ | \
/ | \
|


Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the creation of Best Brains.

Sonic the Hedgehog is the property of Sega, Archie Comics, and possibly
DiC animation. The various new fanfic characters are the creations of
their respective authors as noted in the story. "Jaded Views" is
written by Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer and used at the repeated
and sometimes forcible insistence of Stephen Tramer. This MiSTing
fanfic is the creation of Joseph Nebus. Megan Wright learned that
Canadians are not as similar to the Swiss as she thought, and will
become violent if repeatedly provoked. You might enjoy this and
other Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfics at Web Site Number Nine,

http://wsn9.mistings.org/
and other Sonic the Hedgehog/MST3K fanfics are reviewed at An Amazing,
Colossal Episode Guide to Sonic the Hedgehog MiSTed fanfics,
http://sth.mistings.org/
but you aren't that interested in it.