Original work by: Aleister Crowley.
MiSTed by: Chris Cornell.
Created on: Thursday, 01 August 1996.
Added on: Sunday, 20 July 2008.
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Rated 7.75 with standard deviation 0.83 on 4
evaluations.
[theme song ends]
1......2......3.......4.....5....6 {CLUNK}
[SOL]
(Mike and the bots are at the desk.)
MIKE (wearily): Hi folks, I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my buddies Tom
Servo...
TOM: (Happily): Hey-ho!
MIKE: ...Crow...
CROW (cool): 'sappnin'?
MIKE (sighing): ...and Gypsy.
GYPSY: Awwww, wassamatter, Mike, honey?
MIKE: Well, I guess I'm a little bit down. My birthday's coming up and
here I am trapped in space with no likelihood of ever getting home...
TOM: Ah! The old ennui, eh? Well, I've been holding something in reserve
for just such an occasion, and I think I can help, good buddy. (Tom zips
off stage left, then we hear him from off stage.) Uh, Mike and Gypsy could
you each take one step to the left?
MIKE: Well, sure. (He does)
GYPSY: Okay. (She does)
CROW: Uh...what about me?
TOM (from offstage): No, Crow, you stay riiiight where you are ...4 ...3
....2 ...1 ...(and a large weight with the words "10 tons" on it lands on
Crow. Crow gives a stifled scream and vanishes from view. Mike and Gypsy
look at the weight blankly for a moment...then they start to chuckle, then
guffaw, and in a moment they are laughing uproariously. Tom re-enters.)
Whaddaya think, Mike? (But Mike and Gypsy are in hysterics and Mike waves
him away. Tom turns to the camera.) The sacrifices I have to make to help
out my fellow crew mates. (Commercial sign light flashes)...Am I a saint
or what? We'll be right back. (Mike slaps the commercial sign button,
still laughing.
Cut to spaghetti ball...and into commercial)
[Commercial]
(Coming out of commercial... Crow, now completely flattened, sits on the
desk. His beak, now two flat planes, moves slightly as he talks. Mike, Tom
and Gypsy are behind the desk, Mike and Gypsy are still giggling
slightly.)
CROW (sarcastically): I'm really happy I was able to cheer you up Mike....
MIKE (wiping his eyes): Well, thanks, Crow. It made a big
difference...um... you ARE alright, aren't you?
CROW: Me? SURE! Heck, at least my eyes didn't catch fire this time...
(Deep 13 light flashes)
MIKE: Uh-oh, Dishonest John is calling....(taps button)
[Deep 13]
(Dr. F.'s face is directly in the camera, grinning hideously)
DR. F.: Nelson!! I see you've taken up one of my favorite hobbies: finding
laughter and delight in the pain and suffering of others!! Good! Good!
(Makes notation on clipboard)
[SOL]
(Crow is no longer on the table)
MIKE: Oh, Dr. Forrester, don't be silly. I'm not becoming like you. You
forget that all the robots are equipped with "Acme Fix-o-matic." Anytime
they're damaged or mutilated, it just takes one jump cut to return them to
normal, just like in cartoons! See? (Crow enters, completely repaired).
CROW: Ta-daa!!
MIKE: I'm not anything like you!
[Deep 13]
(Dr. F. is still leering into the camera)
DR. F.: Oooohh, I wouldn't count on that, Mike!! You see for the past few
hours I've been slowly flooding the Satellite of Love with my latest
creation: a colorless, odorless gas the slowly transforms you into my
favorite person...me! (Laughs wildly!)
[SOL]
(Mike now has a moustache with a white streak in it.)
MIKE: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever...(notices the
moustache, looks baffled)...the hell?
[Deep 13]
DR. F.: It's going to take a while for you to make the full
transformation, so while you're waiting, I think I'll drop this 10-ton
weight of a posting on you...some delusional ravings about Atlantis!
Breathe deeply, Mike! (presses button)
[SOL]
(Movie sign lights flash and buzzer goes off)
MIKE, CROW & TOM: We have USENET sign!!!!!!! (and they rush off)
6....5....4....3.....2.....1......
(and they're taking their seats)
MIKE (as he's sitting down): I don't feel a thing...except this
moustache...
>Subject: Aleister Crowley on Atlantis
>From: density4@aol.com (Density 4)
>Date: 24 Apr 1995 16:06:03 -0400
>Message-ID: <3nh0bb$l15@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
>
> THE LOST CONTINENT
TOM: NOT ROCK CLIMBING!!!
CROW: I have a feeling that before too long we'll wish it was...
> By Aleister Crowley
>
> Ordo Templi Orientis
MIKE: Oh! Wait! I took Latin in high school! It means..."Your umbrella has
worn my frog...no...that's can't be right...
> P.O Box 2303
TOM: Ya know...Temples that don't give out their actual address are not
going to get much foot traffic...
> Berkeley, CA 94702
CROW: Well, we ARE talking Berkeley, here...
TOM: Good point. I withdraw the comment.
>
> (C) COPYRIGHT O.T.O.
MIKE: The guy from Deep Space Nine??
TOM: Mike, no, honey....
> June 21, 1985 e.v.
> Sun in Cancer
> Moon in Leo
CROW: Brain in limbo.
>
> The Lost Continent
TOM: YOU SAID THAT!
>
>
>PREFACE
>
>Last year I was chosen to succeed the venerable K-Z
TOM: KJ??
CROW AND MIKE: (GASP!!!)
> --who had it
>in his mind to die,
MIKE: Ha! That wacky nut! You never know what he'll decide to do next!
> that is, to join Them in Venus, as one of
>the Seven Heirs of Atlantis,
CROW (Minnesota lady): Oh, that's such a lovely way of saying it....
> and I have been appointed to
>declare, so far as may be found possible, the truth about that
>mysterious lost land. Of course, no more than one seventh of
>the wisdom is ever confided to one of the Seven, and the Seven
>meet in council but once in every thirty-three years.
TOM: Oh, of course.
> But its
>preservation is guaranteed by the interlocked systems of
>"dreaming true" and of "preparation of the antinomy". The
>former almost explains itself;
MIKE: ...but, not quite...
> the latter is almost
>inconceivable to normal man.
TOM (Wally Shawn): Incontheivable!!
> Its essence is to train a man to
>be anything by training him to be its opposite. At the end of
>anything, think they, it turns out to be its opposite, and that
>opposite is thus mastered without having been soiled by the
>labours of the student, and without the false impressions of
>early learning being left upon the mind.
CROW: Oh! I get it! Newt School!
>
>I myself, for example, had unknowingly been trained to record
>these observations by the life of a butterfly. All my
>impressions came clear on the soft wax of my brain; I had never
>worried because the scratch on the wax in no way resembled the
>sound it represented. In other words, I observed perfectly
>because I never knew that I was observing. So, if you pay
>sufficient attention to your heart, you will make it palpitate.
>
(M&TB stare in long silence, look at each other for a moment....then:)
TOM: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (CROW begins to sob
quietly; Mike buries his face in his hands.)
MIKE: This is gonna be a long, hard ride...
>I accordingly proceed to a description of the country.
CROW (sobbing): You would.
>
>Aleister Crowley
>
>
>I. OF THE PLAINS BENEATH ATLAS, AND ITS SERVILE RACE.
>
>Atlas is the true name of this archipelago--continent is an
>altogether false term, for every 'house' or mountain peak was
>cut from its fellows by natural, though often very narrow
>waterways.
MIKE: The Legendary Drainage Ditches of Atlantis...
> The African Atlas is a mere offshoot of the range.
>It was the true Atlas that supported the ancient world by its
>moral and magical strength, and hence the name of the fabled
>globe-bearer. The root is the Lemurian
CROW (cheering up): Joey the Lemurian???
> 'Tla' or 'Tlas', black,
>for reasons which will appear in due course. 'A' is the
>feminine prefix, derived from the shape of the mouth when
>uttering the sound. 'Black woman' is therefore as near a
>translation as one can give in English;
TOM: Right on, girlfriend!
> the Latin has a closer
>equivalent.
>
>The mountains are cut off, not only from each other by the
>channels of the sea, but from the plains at their feet by cliffs
MIKE: Sounds painful...
>naturally or artificially smoothed and undercut for at least
>thirty feet on every side in order to make access impossible.
>These plains had been made flat by generations of labour.
CROW: Another quality job by the International Ladies Plain-flattening
Workers Union.
> Vines
>and fruit-trees growing only on the upper slopes, they were
>devoted principally to corn, and to grass pastures
MIKE: All riiggghht! PARTY!! WOOOO!!
for the
>amphibian herds of Atlas. This corn was of a kind now unknown,
>flourishing in sea-water,
TOM: But eating it sent your blood pressure through the roof.
and the periodical flood-tides served
>the same purpose as the Nile in Egypt. Enormous floating stages
>of spongy rock--no trees of any kind grew anywhere on the plains
>so wood was unknown
CROW: They had never seen "Plan 9 from Outer Space."
> --supported the villages. These were
>inhabited by a type of man similar to the modern Caucasian race.
MIKE: Except they could dance.
>They were not permitted to use any of the food of their
>masters, neither the corn, nor the amphibians, nor the vast
>supplies of shellfish,
TOM (high voice, British accent): Nor the orangutans, nor the fruitbats...
> but were fed by what they called "bread
>from heaven", which indeed came down from the mountains, being
>the whole of their refuse of every kind.
CROW: Is he saying what I think he's saying?
MIKE & TOM: Ewwwwwwww.
> The whole population
>was put to perpetual hard labour. The young and active tended
>the amphibians, grew the corn, collected the shell-fish,
CROW: Sanitized the public phones...
>gathered the "bread from heaven" for their elders, and were
>compelled to reproduce their kind.
TOM: COMPELLED? Can we have more details on the compelling, please??
MIKE: Tom! That's kinky!
> At twenty they were
>considered strong enough for the factory, where they worked in
>gangs on a machine combining the features of our pump and
>treadmill for sixteen hours of the twentyfour.
CROW: Sounds like SOMEBODY needs to form a Atlantean Socialist Workers
party...
> This machine
>supplied Atlas with its 'ZRO' or 'power', of which I shall
>speak presently.
MIKE (singing): Workin' in a zro mine, goin' down-down-down...
> Any worker showing even temporary weakness was
>transferred to the phosphorus works, where he was sure to die
>within a few months.
TOM: Hence the need to compel people to reproduce, I suppose...
> Phosphorus was a prime necessity of Atlas;
>however, it was not used in its red or yellow forms, but in a
>third allotrope, a blue-black or rather violet-black substance,
>only known in powder finer than precipitated gold, harder than
>diamond, eleven times heavier than yellow phosphorus,
CROW: And 16 times meatier!~
> quite
>incombustible, and so shockingly poisonous that, in spite of
>every precaution, an ounce of it cost the lives (on an average)
>of some two hundred and fifty men. Of its properties I shall
>speak later.
TOM: Oh, that's okay. Really. Don't go to any trouble.
>
>The people were left in utmost slavery and ignorance by the wise
>counsel of the first of the philosophers of Atlas, who had
>written: "An empty brain is a threat to Society." He had
>consequently instituted a system of mental culture, comprising
>two parts:
>
>1. As a basis, a mass of useless disconnected facts.
>2. A superstructure of lies.
CROW: Oh, so everybody got an masters degree!
>
>Part 1 was compulsory; the people then took Part 2 without
>protest.
>
MIKE: 'Cause it has a delicious nougat center!
>The language of the plains was simple but profuse. They had few
>nouns and fewer verbs. 'To work again' (there was no word for
>'to work' simply), 'to eat again', 'to break the law' (no word
>for 'to break the law again'), 'to come from without', 'to find
>light' (i.e. to go to the phosphorus factory) were almost the
>only verbs used by adults.
TOM: Oh, and 'to boldly go."
> The young men and women had a verb-
>language yet simpler, and of degraded coarseness.
CROW: 'To be compelled to reproduce again...'
> All had,
>however, an extraordinary wealth of adjectives, most of them
>meaningless,
TOM (British accent): Splunge for me too, sir!
> as attached to no noun ideas, and a great quantity
>of abstract nouns such as 'Liberty', 'Progress', without which
>no refined inhabitant could consider a sentence complete. He
>would introduce them into a discussion on the most material
>subjects. "The immoral snub-nose", "the unprogressive teeth",
>"lascivious music", "reactionary eyebrows"--such were phrases
>familiar to all.
MIKE: So everybody talked like William F. Buckley?
> "To eat again, to sleep again, to work again,
>to find the light--that is Liberty, that is Progress" was a
>proverb common in every mouth.
CROW: That's...that's beautiful! I think I'm going to have that tattooed
on my butt!
MIKE: Crow...
>
>The religion of the people was Protestant Christianity in all
>essentials,
TOM: Including the bake sales?
> but with an even closer dependence upon God. They
>asserted its formulae, without attaching any meaning to the
>words, in a manner both reverent and passionate.
MIKE: Um...was that just a slam against Protestants?
> Sexual life
>was entirely forbidden to the workers, a single breach implying
>relegation to the phosphorus works.
CROW: Sounds worth the risk, to me!
TOM: But what about all the reproducing???
>
>In every field was, however, an enormous tablet of rock, carved
>on one side with a representation of the three stages of life:
>the fields, the labour mill, the factory; and on the other side
>with these words: "To enter Atlas, fly." Beneath this an
>elaborate series of graphic pictures showed how to acquire the
>art of flying.
CROW: So...these Atlanteans have a kind of dark sense of humor, then, huh?
> During all the generations of Atlas, not one man
>had been known to take advantage of these instructions.
TOM (dryly): Har. Har.
>
>The principal fear of the populace was a variation of any kind
>from routine. For any such the people had one word only, though
>this word changed its annotation in different centuries.
>'Witchcraft', 'Heresy', 'Madness', 'Bad Form', 'Sex-Perversion',
>'Black Magic' were its principal shapes in the last four
>thousand years of the dominion of Atlas.
MIKE: Earlier forms were "delay of game" and "clipping."
>
>Sneezing, idleness, smiling, were regarded as premonitory.
TOM: They were rocks?
> Any
>cessation from speech, even for a moment to take breath, was
>considered highly dangerous.
CROW: Man, Shatner would really be outta luck, there!
> The wish to be alone was worse
>than all; the delinquent would be seized by his fellows, and
>either killed outright or thrust into the compound of the
>phosphorus factory, from which there was no egress.
MIKE: What about the wish not to be thrust into the phosphorus factory?!
>
>The habits of the people were incredibly disgusting. Their
>principal relaxations were art, music and the drama,
(TOM and MIKE retch.)
CROW: Jeez, that IS disgusting!! I think I'm gonna be sick!
> in which
>they could show achievement hardly inferior to that of Henry
>Arthur Jones, Pinero, Lehar, George Dance, Luke Fildes, and
>Thomas Sidney Cooper.
MIKE: Or Matt Hedsnecker.
TOM: Who?
MIKE: I was in 4th grade with him.
TOM: Oh.
> Of medicine they were happily ignorant.
>The outdoor life in that equable climate bred strong youths and
>maidens, and the first symptoms of illness in a worker was held
>to impair his efficiency and qualify him for the phosphorous
>factory. Wages were permanently high, and as there were no
>merchants even of alcohol, whose use was forbidden, every man
>saved all his earnings, and died rich.
CROW: ...in the phosphorus factory.
> At his death his savings
>went back to the community. Taxation was consequently
>unnecessary.
TOM: But, like today, it was there anyway.
> Clothes were unnecessary and unknown, and the
>'bread from heaven' was the "free gift of God". The dead were
>thrown to the amphibians. Each man built his own shelter of the
>rough stone sponge which abounded.
MIKE: I've built myself a lovely two-story brownstonesponge.
> The word 'house' was used
>only in Atlas; the servile race called its huts 'Hloklost'
>(equivalent to the English word 'home').
CROW: ...or slum...
> Discontent was
>absolutely unknown.
TOM: I can believe that!! No sex, no booze, no privacy and being flung to
your doom when you get a sniffle? It sounds great!!
> It had not been considered necessary to
>prohibit traffic with foreign countries, as the inhabitants of
>such were esteemed barbarians. Had a ship landed men, they
>would have been murdered to a man, supposing that Atlas had
>permitted any approach to its shores. That it hindered such,
>and by infallible means, was due to other considerations, whose
>nature will form the subject of a subsequent chapter.
>
MIKE: So it WAS considered necessary to prohibit traffic with foreign
countries! Hah!
TOM: Hah! You've run rings round him logically!
>This then is the nature of the plains beneath Atlas, and the
>character of the servile race.
CROW: A real nice place to bring your kids up...and then fling them into
the phosphorus factory.
>
>II. OF THE RACE OF ATLAS
TOM: This should be rich.
>
>In the city or 'house' which was formed from the crest of every
>mountain, dwelt a race not greatly superior in height to our
>own, but of vaster frame. The bulk and strength of the bear is
>not inappropriate as a simile for the lower classes; the higher
>had the enormous chest and shoulders and the lean haunches of
>the lion.
MIKE: So, we're talkin' big, ugly fat guys here, huh?
> This strength gave an infallible beauty, made
>monstrous by their most inexorable law, that every child who
>developed no special feature in the first seven years should be
>sacrificed to the Gods. This special feature might be a nose of
>prodigious size, hands and wrists of gigantic strength, a
>gorilla jaw, an elephant ear--or any of these might entitle its
>owner to life: for in all such variations from the normal they
>perceived the possibility of a development of the race.
CROW: What about...BIG KNEES!!!!
(Tom hums the haunting Torgo theme)
> Men and
>women were hairy as the ourang-outang and all were closely
>shaven from head to foot.
TOM: Maybe they WERE bears!
> It had been found that this practice
>developed tactile sensibility. It was also done in reverence to
>the 'Living Atla', of which more in its place.
MIKE: ...will have a verb.
>
>The lower class were few in number. Its function was to
>superintend the servile race, to bring the food of the children
>to the banqueting-hall, to remove the same, to attend to the
>disposition of the 'light-screens', to ensure the continuance of
>the race by the begetting, bearing and nourishing of the
>children.
TOM: Um...hold on a second...if the lower class did all the begetting, why
are they so few in number??
>
>The priestly class was concerned with the further preparation of
>the Zro supplied by the labour-mills, and its impregnation with
>phosphorus. This class had much leisure for 'work', a subject
>to be explained later.
CROW: Leisure for work...and day for night....
>
>The High Priests and High Priestesses were restricted in number
>to eleven times thirty-three in any one 'house'. To them were
>entrusted the final secrets of Atlas, and to them was confided
>the conduct of the experiments in which every will was bound up.
TOM: Something about shooting a guy into space?
>
>The colour of the Atlanteans was very various,
MIKE: Keri is so very various...
> though the hair
>was invariably of a fiery chestnut
CROW: MMMM! Delicious!
TOM (singing): Jack Frost nipping at your nose...
> with bluish reflections.
MIKE: Huh?
> One
>might see women whiter than Aphrodite, others tawny as
>Cleopatra, others yellow as Tu-Chi, others of a strange, subtle
>blue like the tattooed faces of Chin women, others again red as
>copper.
CROW: If you say so, honey. (Whispering) Get the net!
TOM (singing): If you knew Tu-Chi like I knew Tu-Chi....
> Green was however a prohibited hue for women,
MIKE (singing): It's not easy being green...
> and red
>was not liked in men. Violet was rare, but highly prized, and
>children born of that colour were specially reared by the
>High Priestesses.
>
CROW: Mike, he's just makin' this stuff up, isn't he?
MIKE: You're just NOW figuring this out, Crow?
>However, in one part of the body all the women were perfectly
>black with a blackness no negro can equal;
TOM: So, what part?
> from this
>circumstance comes the name Atlas. It is absurdly attributed by
>some authors to the deposit of excess of phosphorus in the Zro.
TOM: But, what part was it?
>I need only point out that the mark existed long before the
>discovery of black phosphorus.
TOM: WHAT PART??
> It is evidently a racial stigma.
>It was the birth of a girl child without this mark which raised
>her mother to the rank of goddess, and ended the terrestrial
>adventure of the Atlanteans, as will presently appear.
>
>Of the ethics of this people little need be said.
TOM: HE NEVER SAID WHAT PART!!!
MIKE: Easy, Tom.
> Their word
>for 'right' is 'phph' made by blowing with the jaw drawn sharply
>across from left to right, thus meaning 'a spiral life contrary
>to the course of the sun'.
CROW: Today we call it a "raspberry" and the meaning is "get bent, you
dickweed."
> We may assume it as 'contrary'.
>"Whatever is, is wrong" seems to have been their first principle.
>Legs were 'wrong' because they only carry you five miles in
>the hour: let us refuse to walk; let us ride horseback. So the
>horse is 'wrong' compared to the train and the motor-car; and
>these are 'wrong' to the aeroplane.
TOM (British): Pardon me, mater, I'm going to fly my aeroplane!!
CROW: That's the third Monty Python reference you've made in this segment,
Tom...
TOM: Sorry, I was listening to my "Live at Drury Lane" CD today.
> If speed had been the
>Atlantean's object, he would have thought aeroplanes 'wrong' and
>all else too, so long as the speed of light was not surpassed by
>him.
MIKE: Is ANYBODY following this?
TOM: Nnnnope!
CROW: Not a word...
>
>Curious survivals of these laws are found in the Jewish
>transcript of the Egyptian code, which they, being a slave race,
>interpreted in the reverse manner.
>"Thou shalt not make any graven image." Every male child on
>attaining manhood, had a graven image given him to worship, a
>miracle-working image, whose principle exploits he would tattoo
>upon it.
>
CROW: So the graven image would be, like, a Farrah Fawcett poster?
>"Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it holy." The Atlantean kept
>one day in seven for all purposes unconnected with his principle
>task.
>
TOM: Slot-car racing!
>"Thou shalt not commit adultery." Though the Atlanteans married,
>intercourse with the wife was the only act forbidden.
MIKE: And thus, Rodney Dangerfield was born...
>
>"Honour thy father and thy mother." On the contrary, they
>worshipped their children, as if to say: "This is the God whom I
>have made in my own likeness."
CROW: Honey, "god" just crapped in his diapers again!
>
>Similarly, there is one exception and one only to the rule of
>silence. It is the utterance of the 'Name' which it is death to
>pronounce. This word was constantly in their mouths; it is
>'Zcrra', a sort of venomous throat-gargling.
TOM (Roy Orbison): Mercy! Zcrrra!!!
> Hence, possibly
>the Gaelic 'Scurr' 'speak', English 'Scaur' or 'Scar' in
>Yorkshire and the Pennines. 'Zcrra' is also the name of the
>'High House', and of the graven image referred to above.
>
>Other traces may be found in folklore; some mere
>superstitions. Thus the correct number for a banquet was
>thirteen, because if there were only one more sign in the
>Zodiac, the year would be a month longer, and one would have
>more time 'for work'.
CROW (exasperated): I wanna smack this post so hard...
> This is probably a debased Egyptian
>notion. Atlanteans knew better than anyone that the Zodiac is
>only an arbitrary division. Still it may be laid down that the
>impossible never daunted Atlas. If one said, "Two and two make
>Four" his thought would be "Yes, damn it!"
>
TOM: And if I said this was a moronic post, you all would think...?
CROW & MIKE: YES, DAMN IT!!
>I now explain the language of Atlas. The third and greatest of
>their philosophers
CROW: ...Bob Keeshan...
> saw that speech had wrought more harm than
>good, and he consequently instituted a peculiar rite. Two men
>were chosen by lot to preserve the language,
MIKE: Unfortunately they were Harpo Marx and Marcel Marceau.
> which, by the way,
>consisted of monosyllables only, two hundred and fourteen in
>number, to each of which was attached a diacritical gesture,
>usually ideographic.
TOM: If my arms worked, I'd have a diacritical gesture for ya!
>Thus 'wrong' is given as 'phph' moving the jaw from right to
>left. Wiping the brown
CROW: Wiping the brown???
MIKE: Crow, let's just let it die right there. I don't want a repeat of
the poopie suit incident...
> with 'phph' means 'hot', hollowing the
>hands over the mouth 'fire', striking the throat 'to die;' so
>that each 'radicle' may have hundreds of gesture-derivatives.
MIKE (surfer): Radicle, dude!
>Grammar, by the way, hardly existed, the quick apprehension of
>the Atlanteans rendering it unnecessary.
CROW (cop): All right, you Atlantean, up against the car and spread 'em!
TOM: COPS! Filmed on location in Atlas.
>These two men then departed to a cavern on the side of the
>mountain just above the cliff, and there for a year they
>remained, speaking the language and carving it symbolically upon
>the rock.
MIKE: Carving it symbolically? You mean they just pretended to carve it?
> At the end of the year they returned; the elder is
>sacrificed and the younger returns with a volunteer, usually one
>who wishes to expiate a fault, and teaches him the language.
CROW: And then makes a quick getaway so as not to be sacrificed like the
LAST
idiot! Man, this place is strict!
>During his visit he observes whether any new thing needs a name,
TOM: Such as "information superhighway" or "floam"
>and if so he invents it, and adds it to the language. This
>process continued to the end. The rest of the people abandoned
>altogether the use of speech,
MIKE: Putting a serious crimp in the phone sex business...
> only a few years' practice
>enabling them to dispense with the radicle. They then sought to
>do without gesture, and in eight generations the difficulty was
>conquered, and telepathy established.
CROW: And no one got a moment's peace after that.
> Research then devoted
>itself to the task of doing without thought; this will be
>discussed in detail in the proper place.
TOM: Canada.
> There was also a
>'listener', three men who took turns to sit upon the highest
>peak, above the 'light-screens', and whose duty it was to
MIKE: ...get a great tan.
> give
>the alarm if any noise disturbed Atlas. On their report that
>High Priest charged with active governorship would take steps to
>ascertain and destroy the cause.
TOM: Someone burped in sector 8-B! After him!
>The 'light-screens' spoken of were a contrivance of laminae of
>a certain spar
CROW: The hell?
> such that the light and heat of the sun were
>completely cut off, not by opacity, but by what we call
>'interference'.
MIKE: A 15-yard penalty.
> In this way other subtle rays of the sun
>entered the 'house', these rays being supposed to be necessary
>to life. These matters were the subjects of the deepest
>controversy.
TOM: Oh, but there was no controversy over the idea of giving up speaking?
> Some held that these rays themselves were
>injurious and should be excluded. Others considered that the
>light-screens should be put in position during moonlight,
>instead of being opened at sunset, as was the custom. This,
>however, was never attempted, the great mass of the people being
>devoted to the moon.
CROW: Others held that the entire society needed a GET A MITT AND CATCH A
CLUE! Sheesh!!
MIKE: I feel your pain, Crow.
> Others wished full sunlight, the aim of
>Atlas being (they thought) to reach the sun. But this theory
>contradicted the prime axiom of attaining things through their
>opposites, and was only held by the lower classes, who were not
>initiated into this doctrine.
TOM: What's the opposite of the sun? Dirt?
>The 'houses' of Atlas were carved from the living rock by the
>action of Zro in its seventh precipitation. Enormously solid,
>the walls were lofty and smoother than glass, though the
>pavements were rough and broken almost everywhere for a reason
>which I am not permitted to disclose.
(All snicker)
MIKE: My imaginary friend told me not to.
CROW: Maybe some big Atlantean's gonna break his kneecaps or something...
> The passages were
>invariably narrow, so that two persons could never pass each
>other. When two met, it was the law to greet by joining in
>'work'
CROW (Falsetto): My, it's hot in here!
TOM (singing): Bucka-bucka-wow bucka-bucka-wow...
> and then going away together on their separate errands,
>or passing one above the other. This was done purposely, so as
>to remind every man of his duty to Atlas on every occasion on
>which he might meet a fellow-citizen.
MIKE: But mostly led to people staying home a lot.
>The Banqueting-Hall of the children was usually very large.
TOM: But, for some reason, on Tuesdays it was tiny.
> The
>furniture, which had been brought by the first colonists, and
>gradually disused by adults, never needed repair. A vast open
>doorway facing North opened on the mountainside on to the
>vineyards and orchards, the meadows and gardens,
CROW: And phosphorus mines.
> in which the
>children passed their time. Suckled by the mother for three
>months only, the child was then already able to nourish itself
>on the bread and wine, and on the flesh of the amphibious herds,
>of which there were several kinds; one a piglike animal with
>flesh resembling wild duck,
TOM: Am I tripping, Mike?
MIKE: If only we were, Tom! That would be a relief!
> another a sort of amatee tasting
>like salmon, its fat being somewhat like caviar in everything
>but texture,
CROW: And floating exactly the way bricks don't.
> and a sure specific for any of childhood's troubles.
>A third, an ancestor of our hippopotamus, was really tamed,
>and was employed by the serviles for preparing the ground for
>the corn, trampling through the fields while they were covered
>with sea-water, and thus leaving deep holes in which the seeds
>were cast. Its flesh was not unlike bear, but more delicate.
MIKE: You know, I haven't a good dish of bear in years...
>Notable, too, was the great quantity of turtle; also the giant
>oysters, the huge deep sea crabs,
TOM: ...battling Godzilla....
> a kind of octopus whose flesh
>made a nutritious and elegant soup, and innumerable shell-fish,
>added to the table. The waterways were haunted by shoals of a
>small and poisonous fish, whose bite was immediate death to
>man, a fact which altogether cut off communication between one
>island and another except by air, as the hippopotamus-animal,
>although immune to its bite, was unable to swim.
CROW: Making it nothing like a hippopotamus, then, really...
TOM: What about boats? Ever heard of them?
>Of the sleeping chambers I shall tell more particularly in the
>course of my remarks on Zro.
MIKE: We'll alert the media...
TOM: Let's get outta here....
(The rise and leave)
1.....2.....3.....4.....5......6..{clunk}
[SOL]
(Crow and Tom are at the desk)
CROW: Ya know, Tommy-boy, as insipid as this post is, there is one nice
idea in it--telepathy! These people managed to actually ELIMINATE speech
and speak directly mind to mind!
TOM: Yeah, that IS cool! Hey, maybe WE could learn to do that, huh?
CROW: Well...sure! Why not? Let's give it a try. I'll go first.
(Crow thinks) CROW voice over: Hello? Hello? Testing! Testing! Is this
thing on?
TOM voice over: I hear you, Crow! This is amazing!!
CROW voice over: I hear you too! We have to try this on Mike! (They look
offstage) Oh, here he comes now--THE HELL?
TOM voice over (seeing what Crow sees): DEAR LORD!
(Mike enters--in addition to the Dr. F. moustache, his hair now look's
like Dr. F.)
MIKE (Deadpan): Oh, hi, guys. Say, you know, I think Dr. Forrester's
invisible gas thing is a dud...I'm not turning into him at all!
CROW (pleasantly): Oh, you're absolutely right, Mike! You look completely
normal!
CROW voice over: He looks like Professor Irwin Corey!
TOM (also pleasant): Crow's right, Mike. Dr. F. must have blown it--you're
your some old lovable self!
TOM voice over: I may be ill!!
MIKE: Thanks, guys. I needed a little reassurance. I guess I can stop
worrying and continue with my experiments.
CROW and TOM together: Experiments??
MIKE (matter-of-factly): Oh sure! I AM a scientist, you know. (Suddenly
leering evilly like Dr. F.) Oh, by the way, you two don't where I can get
some nice cuddly puppies to strangle, do YOU? Bwahahahahahaha!!!! (He
slithers offstage.)
CROW voice over: Tom, I gotta bad feeling about this...
(Commercial sign light goes off)
TOM voice over: And a commercial too! Yikes.
(Crow "pecks" at the commercial sign button and into spaghetti ball
bumper..and commercial)
COMMERCIAL
(end of commercial)
(And they are heading back into the theater, Mike's "Dr. F hair" can be
seen in the silhouette)
MIKE: ...but I tell you I'm feeling perfectly fine!
TOM (sighing): Mike, Mike, Mike...
>III. OF THE AIM OF THE MAGICIANS OF ATLAS: OF ZRO; AND ITS
> PROPERTIES AND USES: OF THAT WHICH COMBINED WITH IT: AND
> OF BLACK PHOSPHORUS.
TOM: Snappy title!
>It was the most ancient tradition of the Atlantean magicians
>that they were the survivors of a race inhabiting a country
>called Lemuria, of which the South Pacific archipelago may be
>the remains. These Lemurians had, they held, built up a
>civilization equal, if not superior to their own; but through a
>misunderstanding of magical law--some said the 2nd, some the
>8th, some the 23rd
MIKE: ...a distinction that means a LOT to readers...
> --had involved themselves and their land in
>ruin. Others thought that the Lemurians had succeeded in their
>magical task, and broken their temple.
CROW: But most thought they were just dopey guys makin' it all up.
> In any case, it was the
>secret Lemurian tradition that they themselves represented the
>survivals of a yet earlier race who lived on ice, and they of
>yet another who lived in fire, and they again of earlier
>colonists from Mars.
TOM: Live the good life in the off-world colonies!
> The theory, in fine, was that the aim of
>man is to attain the Sun, whence, according to one school of
>cosmology, he was exiled in the cosmic catastrophe which
>resulted in the formation of Neptune.
MIKE: Well, duh! Everybody knows that!
> His task on any given
>planet was therefore to overturn the laws of Nature on that
>planet, thus mastering it sufficiently to enable him to make the
>leap to the next planet inward. Exactly how and in what sense
>the leap was made remains obscure, even to the heirs of Atlantis.
>
CROW (Al from QL): Uh...Ziggy says there's a 90 percent probability you're
supposed to go to Venus....
>The men of Atlas could fly, it is true, and that by a method so
>simple that men will laugh outright when it is rediscovered;
TOM: Throw yourself at the ground and miss.
> but
>they needed air to support them; they could not confront the
>cold and emptiness of space. Was it in some subtler body that
>they conveyed the Palladium?
MIKE: And what of Harriet's love for Brad?
> Or, content to die, could they
>project some vehicle across so great a distance? The answer to
>such questions
CROW: ...is "Blow it out your ass."
MIKE (upset): Crow, you...(stops himself)...you know, I don't care
anymore...say whatever you want.
CROW: Really? Woo-hoo! Teatsteatsteatsteats...
> probably lies in the recovery by mankind of the
>knowledge of Zro and its properties.
>Beneath the labour mills run troughs in which the sweat of the
>workers collects and drains off into an open basin without the
>mill.
M&TB: EWWWWWWWWW!
> In this basin churns with immense rapidity--through
>multiple bevel gearing--a sort of paddle with knife edges. The
>sweat is thus churned into froth,
CROW (gagging): Arg! My throat is closing!
> and gradually disappears, and
>is as continually replaced. The workers toil in shifts--eight
>hours work, four hours repose, eight hours work, four hours rest
>and recreation. The mills never cease day or night.
MIKE (narrator voice): Industry! Making a Better Atlantis!
>The basin is of polished silver and agate, and is set at an
>angle, facing two enormous spheres of crystal, encased in a sort
>of trellis made of a certain greenish metal, its optical focus
>at a point midway between the two.
TOM: Is this going to be on the final?
>The only sign of activity is that out of this focus a spark
>crackles unless the air be dry,
CROW: Why ask why? Air be dry.
> a condition difficult to secure
>in this part of the world, although fans blow air, dried over
>chloride of calcium and sulphuric acid,
MIKE: Why would you dry fans over acid?
> over the globes and
>their focus. These fans are worked by tidal power, human labour
>being appropriated solely to the one use.
TOM: ...which I am not permitted to tell you.
>In the temple of the 'house' are two globes similar to those
>upon the plains, and the mysterious force generated below is
>transferred to those above, collecting within them. Now the
>name of this substance is always Zro,
CROW: Ooooh! I LOVED that show!! (Singing) Zro! The fox so cunning a
free!!
TOM: A fop by day, mysterious supernatural substance by night!
> but in its first state the
>gesture is a twiddling of the thumbs.
MIKE: I thought they eliminated gestures!
> In its second, it is a
>rapid twittering of the fingers, and in its third state of
>distillation it is a screwing of the hands together. Within the
>spheres it sublimes suddenly in the air as a snaky powder (4) of
>silver, which immediately turns to an iridescent fluid (5) that
>is forced up, by its own need of expansion, through a fountain
>into the temple, on whose floor it lies (6) in a semi-solid
>condition.
CROW (satisfied): Wow!! That was great! Was is it good for you?
> Expert priests gather this in their hands, and
>rapidly shape it into its seventh state, when it is a knife of
>diamond, but alive. An instrument like a Mexican machete is
>used to carve rocks. The edge shears them, the back smooths
>them. The rock behaves exactly like wax, responsive to the
>lightest touch.
TOM: Engorging at the slightest caress...
MIKE: Tom!
TOM: Oh, Crow has carte blanche, but not me?
MIKE: Fine, fine. We'll just call it Mystery Science Filth 3000...
> What is not used for weapons is then gathered
>up swiftly and kneaded by women of the rank of high priestess.
>It is not known even to the high priests with what they knead
>it,
MIKE: But, let's just say they've noticed a LOT of thighmasters lying
around
the temple...
TOM & CROW: MIKE!
MIKE: Three can play at this game, my sassy metal friends...
> but in its eighth stage it is a substance solid enough to
>support great weight, but eternally heaving of its own force.
>Of this they make beds, so that the sleeping Atlantean is (as it
>were) continually massaged.
CROW: All this work, just invent Magic Fingers??
> To this they attribute the fact
>that Atlanteans sleep never more than half an hour, though they
TOM: Love, love, LOVE it!!
>do so four times daily. These beds remain active only for a few
>days, and they are then thrown into the ninth stage by being
>taken into a room where is a cauldron of great size. They are
>thrown into this and sprinkled with black phosphorus.
MIKE: ...and maybe a touch of nutmeg...
> The Zro
>then divides into two parts, one liquid, one solid. Neither of
>these has any ascertainable properties, for it is absolutely
>passive to the will of the user,
CROW: Kind of like Al Gore!
> who may taste therein his
>utmost desire, whether for food or drink. Among adults there is
>no other food or drink than this. The children are not allowed
>to taste it.
CROW: But when nobody's looking, they're injecting the stuff directly...
>The black phosphorus is always added by a high priestess, and it
>is not known in what manner she does this. The Zro that may
>remain is the subject of eternal experiments by the Magicians.
>It is generally thought by the greatest of them that an error
>was committed in bringing it to a ninth stage of division into
>two, and many openly deplored the discovery of black phosphorus.
>All however strive in harmony to produce a tenth stage that
>shall surpass the virtues of the ninth.
TOM: Marshmallow peeps!
> Theoretically it is
>possible to reach an eleventh stage wherein the Zro takes human
>form, and lives!
MIKE: It's alive!!!!!
> Opinion is divided as to whether this was not
>actually done by a certain magician at the time of the passing
>of Atlas. In any case, I beg the reader to remember that I have
>only described one seventh of the virtues of Zro,
ALL: THANK YOU!!!
> and I have
>even omitted this, that in its ninth stage it is not only food
>and drink, but universal medicine, if properly understood. For
>Zro is also a vision and a voice!
CROW (Carol Channing): and a lovely pants suit!
>
>Now the muscles of the people of Atlas are the muscles of
>giants, and yet they do one thing only. And this thing is
MIKE: Mumbletypeg.
>combined by the wisdom of the magicians, so that it is at the
>same time work, exercise, sport, game, pleasure, and all else
>that may fulfill life.
>This work never ceases. It has these parts:
>
>1. Working at Zro, i.e. bringing it from the first stage to
> the ninth.
TOM (Harry Carey): Bottom of the seventh stage of Zro, nobody
on...beautiful day at Wrigley Field...
>2. Working with Zro, i.e. for one's own particular purpose.
CROW: Such as a life-size Vendala doll!
>3. Working for Zro.
>
MIKE (singing in falsetto): She works hard for Zro...so hard...
>This is the common and most honourable task, the Zro eaten and
>drunken being worked into a quintessence of higher power, though
>identical in property with the common Zro. This new Zro (Atlas
>Zro) goes through the same stages as the common Zro of the
>serviles. But it is the result of free and joyful labour, and
>so serves the magicians in their experiments, and the Governor
TOM: And JJ? Please?
>of all for his sustenance.
TOM: Oh.
> None by the way is ever wasted. For
>example, a tunnel was drilled completely through the earth and
>filled with Zro, and it is said that by this tunnel the
>Atlanteans escaped.
MIKE: Hmmm...maybe WE could try that...
>This working, whether with or for Zro, requires two persons at
>least at any one time and place. Great heat is generated in the
>working,
CROW (Barry White): Oh, baby, work with me....
> and the bodies of the workers are therefore sprinkled
>heavily with the black phosphorus, which is incombustible.
TOM: And a little sawdust underneath...
> This
>black phosphorus, poisonous to the servile race, becomes
>innocuous to anyone who has been in any way impregnated with Zro.
>This itself, in its first stage, is as dangerous as electricity
>of high voltage.
MIKE: Or listening to Sam Donaldson talk for too long...
>The reverence attached to Zro is unbounded. At one time it was
>hymned as the father of the gods, and till the end all children
>were thought to be "begotten of Zro", though everyone might know
>who was the father.
TOM: Insert Wilt Chamberlain joke here.
> All such conception was however held
>indignity. Its official name was 'the old experiment'. It was
>carried on simply because the new methods of continuing the race
>were not perfected.
CROW: The stork had not been invented yet!
> Childbirth was therefore in one way
>accident; although a duty, everyone shrank from it. For though
>no pain or discomfort attached to the process, it was a sort of
>second-best achievement from which proud women turned
>contemptuously. This was in part the reason why the father's
>name was never mentioned.
MIKE: Planned Parenthood, Atlantis Division
>On several occasions in the history of Atlas the Zro 'failed'.
>Although not changed in appearance, its properties were lost or
>diminished.
TOM: Maybe the gods just learned to HOLD their zro!
> In such a case young men and maidens in great
>numbers were captured on the plains, brought into Atlas, and
>offered in sacrifice to the Gods.
CROW: Oh, that's their answer for everything!
> Their blood was mingled with
>Zro in its third stage, and the latter recovered its potency.
MIKE: Whew! That was close! Lucky we always have these innocent victims to
murder when a problem arises, huh?
>Their flesh was eaten by the high priests and priestesses in
>penance for the unknown wrong.
TOM: Translation: just for fun.
> It was subject to other and
>terrible scourges, being the most sensitive as well as the
>strongest thing on Earth. On one occasion it had to be treated
>with a fox-like perfume prepared by the chief magician; on
>another it was subjected to streams of moonlight from parabolic
>mirrors.
CROW (laughing): Oh, I remember THAT time. We can laugh about it now...
>The most serious crisis was some two thousand years before the
>destruction of Atlas. One of the serviles, riding his
>'hippopotamus' to the ploughing, fell off and was instantly
>bitten by the poisonous fish previously described.
MIKE (as servile, sad): My son is dead.
> Through an
>accident of boyhood he had, however, for a reason too obscure to
>describe here, no such vulnerable spot as suited the Zhee-Zhou.
TOM (as son): I'm not dead!
MIKE (as servile): Eh, my son is mortally wounded!
>He survived and went to work, as it chanced, the next day.
TOM (as son): I'm getting better!
CROW: More Python, Tom....
TOM: Well, Mike helped!
MIKE: Just followin' YOUR lead, mamma-jamma.
> The
>Zro was poisoned; a third of Atlas died within the hour;
CROW: Good. (Mike and Tom laugh)
TOM: Yeah, I bet the serviles were REALLY broken up...
> the
>plants on the affected island had to be destroyed, and all its
>people.
MIKE: We had to destroy the island in order to save it!
> It was only repopulated some three hundred and eighty
>years later, and then for particular reasons of magical economy
>impossible to dwell upon in this account.
CROW: Magical economy...Oh, like Reaganomics?
>Marriage was compulsory on all those whose passion had been so
>exclusive and enduring as to produce two children. Further
>intercourse between the pair was barred. The Magicians thought
>it was inimical to variation for a woman to have more than one
>child (a fortiori two) by the same father;
TOM: And, besides, THEY wanted a shot at her...
> and the custom
>further prevented those stupid sporadic outbursts of burnt-out
>lust which make so many modern marriages intolerable.
CROW: Oh, my.
MIKE: Ouch!
TOM: Oooh, SOMEbody has issues!
>Closely connected with marriage, the close of the reproductive
>life, is that of death,
CROW: Ba-bing! And I wanna tell ya, folks....
> the close of the little that remains.
>Death hardly threatened the Atlantean; he would decide to "go
>and see", as the old phrase ran, and take an overdose of a
>particular preparation of black phosphorus mixed with a very
>little Zro in the ninth stage, which ensured a painless death.
TOM: Or he could just take a walking tour of one of the village of the
serviles...they'd have him strung up within hours!
>That none ever returned was taken as proof of the supreme
>attractiveness of death.
CROW: That they bought that load of horsehockey was taken as proof of the
stupidity of the Atlanteans.
>The ghoulish and necromantic practices with which Atlanteans
>have been unjustly reproached never occurred. A little
>vampirism, perhaps,
MIKE (British): But no cannibalism...and when I say no cannibalism, I do
mean, of course, that there was a little bit...
CROW: What is with you guys and Python today?
TOM: So, the human sacrifices don't come under the heading of "ghoulish
and necromantic practices"?
> in the early days before the perfecting of
>Zro; but no Atlantean was ever so stupid or so ignorant as to
>confuse death with life.
CROW: They were stupid and ignorant in OTHER ways!
>Beside this voluntary death only one danger existed.
MIKE: Rollerblading.
> As the use
>of Zro guaranteed life and health and youth--a centenarian high
>priest was no better than a kitten!
TOM (baby talk): Awwww! What could be better than a widdo kitten...
> --so did its abuse spell
>instant corruption of those qualities. As mentioned above, now
>and then the Zro itself was at fault, and caused epidemics; but
>from time to time there were deaths in a particularly loathsome
>form caused by what they called
CROW: Afternoon talk shows.
> 'misunderstanding' the Zro.
>Such mistakes were particularly common in the early days of its
>discovery, and before its use had become well nigh a worship.
>The first symptom was a crack in the skin of the temple, or
>sometimes of the bridge of the nose, more rarely of an eyelid or
>cheek. Within a few minutes this crack became one open sore, of
>horrid foetor,
MIKE: A vocabulary word! Where's that dictionary...?
> and within twenty-four hours, the patient was
>completely rotted away, bone and marrow. A circumstance of
>singular atrocity was that death never occurred until the spinal
>column collapsed. No treatment could be found even to prolong
>the agony by an hour. This being recognised, sufferers were
>thrown from the cliffs at the first sign of the malady. In this
>way too were all other corpses disposed. It was the most
>honourable death possible, for becoming 'bread from heaven' for
>the serviles,
(CROW, TOM and MIKE react in renewed disgust and dismay)
CROW: Can this post get any MORE disgusting?
TOM (British): Well, Crow, you can try it, and if you don't like it
you can dig a grave a throw up into it!
CROW: That's it, Servo! I'm enrolling you in Python Riff Anonymous.
TOM: I'll be good...
> they were again worked up into Zro itself, a
>transmutation which in their view would be well worth all the
>"resurrections of the body" and "immortalities of the soul" of
>the theoretical, dogmatic, hearsay religions. So much then
>concerning Zro, and the matters immediately connected with it.
MIKE: We're sorry we asked.
>IV. OF THE SO CALLED MAGIC OF THE ATLANTEANS.
>
>Magic in Atlas was a 'Science of Sciences'. It was the final
>integration of all knowledge. In method its theory was
>differentiation, and in theory its method was integration.
TOM: Mike, I know we're not supposed to have guns in the theater...
MIKE: Tom, there is an exception to every rule....
> For
>example, the fifth of the great philosophers indicated
>"Everything is Zro" to the Keeper of the Speech at the annual
>sacrifice.
TOM (Minnesotan): Oh, they do a lovely job at the annual sacrifice dinner
CROW (same): Oh, ya, and the speech is always so interesting!
> This in spite of the fact that in that very year two
>new forms of Zro had been discovered by that same philosopher.
>It was the third of the galaxy who announced "The ultimate
>analysis of sensation is pain; that of thought, madness; that of
>super-consciousness (a state of trance induced by Zro and valued
>above all things) annihilation."
>
MIKE: And was quietly put into a home....
>His successor had retorted that in this was implicit a postulate
>that pain, madness and annihilation were undesirable. The third
>admitted that he had so meant his phrase, but destroying the
>postulate, still stuck to it. All this was the foundation of
>much magical theory, and on these purely psychological
>researches was based the whole magical practice.
TOM: Just where do Siegfried and Roy come into all this?
> 'There is no
>God' was a commonplace. It only implied that the mind was wrong
>to try to conceive within it what was by definition without it.
>To set limits to anything whatever seemed to them the greatest
>of crimes, the exact opposite of the true path to the Sun.
MIKE: Ah! Libertarians!
>The practical side of magic was for the most part a mere
>utilization of known forces, such as are employed by modern
>science.
CROW: She blinded me with science!
> But the resources of Atlas were as great, and the
>advantages incomparably greater. The whole archipelago was a
>laboratory. There was no question of the 'cost of research';
>every man was devoted to it. Every man thought only of the main
>problem 'How to reach Venus' and its sub-issues. Further, the
>main laws of magic had always been found to govern and include
>chemical and physical laws.
TOM: I see...they understood chemical and physical laws...and the goal was
to
get to Venus...apparently there was no Atlantean Verner Von Braun...
CROW: Hey, whadaya know! Their experiments ARE about shooting people into
space!
>In the early days of colonization Zro was only known in its
>crude state; it was the genius of a single man that obtained the
>third state in its purity.
CROW: That man was...Harvey Korman.
> From this state to the seventh it
>moved almost of itself, very much as radium does. The genius,
>having sufficient in this seventh state, made a sword, and
>completed in three days the subjugation of the servile races.
MIKE: And the good life began!~
>It was a stroke of fortune, this quickness, for on the fourth
>day the Zro began to disintegrate. The magicians then began to
>seek a means of making this state permanent. But in this they
>failed, so that knives had always to be replaced twice weekly;
>but in the course of their failures they discovered the
>infinitely more valuable eighth and ninth stages of Zro.
TOM: Along with silly putty and "Scatagories."
>Tradition has preserved a hint of their efforts in Alchemy with
>its problems of the fixation of the Universal Mercury, the
>secret of perpetual motion, and 'potable gold--the Universal
>Medicine'. It has been theoretically determined towards the end
>of the tenth state, that Zro should be a solid, but whether this
>was confirmed is beyond my knowledge.
CROW: Well, what the hell good are you then?
>To return to the main magical theory, the Quintessence, said
>they, or Universal Substance (which some strove to identify with
>Hyle, others with the Luminiferous Aether) is the two-in-one,
>liquid and solid, the former part being also twofold, fluid and
>gaseous, and the latter earthy and fiery.
MIKE: And another being spicy and chunky.
> The combination of
>these four phases of Zro accounted for the universe.
CROW: The universe has an accountant?
> This
>quintessence is Zro in some state unknown and incalculable.
>Some expected to find it in its twelth state, some in a
>seventeenth, others in a thirty-seventh: all this was pure
>guesswork.
TOM: Like this post.
> Some tradition to this effect appears to have
>reached Plato; and the neo-Platonists combined with those Jews
>who had preserved fragments of the Egyptian tradition to form a
>new initiated hierarchy, the echo of whose teaching is found in
>Paracelsus. At one period, too, missionaries (not colonists, as
>has been ignorantly asserted;
MIKE: I'm not mentioning any names...
> there was no trouble of over-
>population in Atlantis) were sent to the four quarters and
>parties landed in Mexico, Ireland and Egypt.
CROW: Hey, that's only three quarters!
> The adventures of
>the party who travelled South form an astounding chapter in the
>history of Atlas. It was they who discovered the Magnetic
>South, and whose observations rendered possible the theory which
>resulted in the piercing of the Earth by Zro.
TOM (slacker): Kewl! The Atlantean dudes were into piercing, man...
>There were also preparations of Zro which increased the size of
>the user,
CROW: What about just one PART of the user?
> and others which diminished it. In general use among
>the lower classes, until the very end, was that composition
>which made the body light. Careful adjustment would equalize
>its weight with that of the displaced air, and movements of the
>limbs would then permit flying.
MIKE: You WILL believe an Atlantean can fly...
> In this way the overseers
>visited the plains and returned. The other and earlier art of
>flying needed no apparatus, but I am forbidden to disclose the
>method, except to hint that it is connected closely with the art
>of 'dreaming true'.
TOM: Oh, well, THAT hint gave it away!
>These are but a few of the magic powers so-called of the
>compounds of Zro; but they will indicate the power of Atlas by
>shewing
CROW (Sullivan): right here on our stage...a really big shew...
> what it could afford to neglect. Yet all these powers
>were implicit in the process of 'working'.
>The art of prediction was in the same unsatisfactory state as it
>is in England today.
MIKE: Well, they don't have the Psychic Friends Network!
> Nor was its practice encouraged. A
>magician makes the future, and does not seek to divine it. All
>true prediction was therefore necessarily catastrophe. The
>greatest good fortune seemed worthless to an Atlantean, since it
>was accident, and if accidents are to happen,
TOM (singing, Elvis Costello): Oh, I just don't know where to begin....
> one of them may be
>fatal. They believed themselves to be equal to the whole
>tendency of things, and proudly gazed on Nature as a man might
>upon a virgin captive to his spear.
CROW: I never want to know ANYBODY who can relate to THAT simile...
> Everything that was being
>was Zro; everything that was Energy was 'working for Zro'.
>Outside this was but by-product and waste-heap.
MIKE: ...including this post. Oh man...
>The arrangement of the houses was in accordance with the magical
>theory. There was first the High House, then four (later six,
>last ten) 'Houses of Houses'; and to each of these was attached
>a varying number of ordinary houses. The High House was the
>central shrine of the whole archipelago, and must be separately
>described.
TOM: By Buckminster Fuller.
>V. OF THE HIGH HOUSE OF ATLAS, OF ITS INHABITANTS, AND OF THEIR
> MANNERS AND CUSTOMS, AND OF THE LIVING ATLA.
>The High House was separated from its nearest neighbor by over
>twenty miles of sea. Its diameter was about an half-mile and
>its height four miles.
MIKE: Its cost...no man can say...
> It had no plains at the base, and its
>cliffs went absolutely sheer and smooth into the water. It was
>in shape a flattish cylinder, but the top broadened into a
>pointed knob,
(They clear their throats nervously)
> somewhat in the style of St. Basil's at Moscow.
>There was not a trace of vegetation, which by the way was
>despised by the Atlanteans.
CROW: They just get more and more likable, don't they?
> A child would pick a flower
>contemptuously thinking "You cannot even move about", or pet it
>as an English degenerate woman does a dog.
MIKE: Aleister, Aleister....you really need to see somebody about this
problem you have with women...
> The only entrance
>was by an orifice at the top. But the base was tunneled so that
>from every house was a channel for the Zro which having been
>brought to the highest perfection was thus transferred to
>headquarters.
TOM: Over 20 miles of open sea...this just keeps getting better...
> The receptacle at the base being far below the
>earth, and the Zro further heated by friction, it seethed
>continually into a bluish or purplish smoke.
CROW (holding breath): That's high-grade Zro, man...
> This was the sole
>sustenance of the inhabitants of the High House. In early days
>the old High House, in an island since destroyed by order of the
>Atla, had been called the House of Blood, the inhabitants
>subsisting only on blood sucked from the living. The
>improvements in Zro had changed all that;
MIKE: Oh, you're no fun anymore!
> but the idea was the
>same, to live on the Quintessence of Life. Hence while the
>'houses' ate and drank Zro, the High House drank its vapour. No
>children were born in it, and none below the rank of High Priest
>dwelt there. Except for one matter which was never thought of,
>though constantly spoken,
TOM: Is this another one of nonsensical comments we're supposed think is
"deep"?
MIKE: I think this guy has been subsisting on too much bluish-purple
smoke...
> the inmost mystery of the High House
>was the 'Living Atla'. This had many names, 'Wordeater',
>'Unshaven' (because the razors of Zro were turned on its hair),
>'Fireheart', 'Beginning and End' and so on: but especially a
>word I can only translate as 'To Her', a defective pronoun
>existing only in the dative.
CROW (repairman): Yep, yer pronoun's defective...gonna take two weeks to
order a new one...
> What the Living Atla really was,
>is a secret of secrets. We know it only from its epithets, its
>veils. Thus it was 'That Black which makes black white'. It
>was 'twenty-six feet high and fifteen feet across--Oh my Lords,
>it is the essence of the Incommensurable!'
TOM (singing): Ohh sweet mystery of life, at least I've found you!!!
> It was 'the wife of
>Zro', 'the heart of Zro', 'desire of Zro', 'the Atla that eats
>Atlas', 'the swallower up of her own house', 'the pelican',
MIKE (Count Floyd): Ooh! The pelican!! Scaaary, boys and girls....
> 'the
>fire-nest of the Phoenix', according to the greatest of the
>poets. And the burden of his hymns of worship was that it must
>be destroyed.
>It was impossible to approach the Atla without being instantly
>sucked up and devoured by it.
MIKE: I think I went out with her in college...
> This was the greatest death, and
>ardently desired by all. The favour was accorded only to those
>who discovered improvements in Zro, or otherwise merited signal
>and supreme recognition from the state.
TOM: Better than the phosphorus factory, I guess...
> Hidden men listened to
>the cries of the victim, and thus learned the nature of the
>death. It appears that the black suddenly broke into a fiery
>rose, 'the only luminous thing in Atlas', and a shooting
>forward enclosed him.
CROW (low, mean voice): Feed me, Seymour!! I'm hungry!!!
> For some reason which was never even
>guessed the Atla refused women. Those who had seen Atla were
>however useless to instruct. They came forth from the Presence
>smiling, and even under the most fearful tortures that the
>magicians could devise, continued to smile.
MIKE: Hey, they got to see men devoured! What's not to smile about?
TOM: Yeah, I think it's a girl thing...
> This smile never
>left them during life, and the conscious superiority of it was
>so irritating, and so contrary to the harmony of life in Atlas
>that the women were killed, and their companions for the future
>forbidden to approach the Atla.
CROW (western voice): A race so ornery they killed women just fer smilin'!
>Whatever theories as to its nature may have been formed by the
>magicians were upset by a famous experiment. A most holy high
>priest, a man who at puberty had insisted on immediate marriage
>with all the women of his house,
TOM: Poom! Go buddy!
> a magician who had formed four
>new compounds of Zro, and discovered how to pass matter through
>matter, was honoured by the great death. On reaching the last
>corridor, where the concentrated spirals of Zro vapour whirled
>up into the Presence of Atla, he bade farewell to the appointed
>listeners in the manner suitable to his dignity,
MIKE: So long, suckers!
> and then,
>taking a last deep draught of Zro into his lungs, rushed into
>the antrum. They heard him cry aloud "O!" with surprise, and
>then with inexpressible rapture the words "Behind Atla, Otla!"
TOM (Wilfred Brimley): Quaker Otla!
>which were, and still are, completely unintelligible. Their
>surprise was greater, when, seven days later he came striding
>past them without greeting. He went to his 'house' and shut
>himself up, was never seen or heard again,
CROW: Something, I don't suppose we could get Aleister to do....
> but was assuredly
>living at the time of the 'catastrophe'. This man founded a
>school of philosophy, or rather, it founded itself on what it
>supposed him to have discovered; and this school disputes with
>the orthodox the credit of the final success.
MIKE: ...and they have a HECK of a football rivalry!
TOM: I need a drink...Time to go...
(they rise and leave)
MIKE (as he's leaving): Yikes, this one stings!!
COMMERCIAL
(Out of Commercial)
[SOL]
(Mechanical factory-like sounds in background. The desk is gone and in its
place is a vertical post with three horizontal handles sticking out of the
top. Tom, Crow and Gypsy are at each of these handles are trudging around
the post in a circle, moaning and groaning.)
CROW: Geez, you guys, I don't think this is going to work!
TOM: Yeah, I mean I'm as willing to try to make zro as the next guy, but
robots can't sweat! What does Mike think--
(Whiplash sound).
MIKE (offstage, cruelly): Quiet, serviles!!! (He enters and he now has on
a green lab coat.) Don't you see? I will create my own zro and when I do,
I WILL RULE THE WORLD!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (He rushes off again.)
GYPSY: Hey Crow, have you noticed something different about Mike, lately?
CROW: D'oh!! Gypsy, where have you been? Mike's being transformed into Dr.
Forrester by an insidious odorless, colorless gas, and there's nothing we
can do about it!
GYPSY: Well, um, have you tried shutting off the gas?
(TOM and CROW stare blankly at each other.)
TOM: I thought YOU tried to shut off the gas!
CROW: I thought YOU did!
GYPSY: D'oh! I have to do everything around here! (She rushes off.)
(Mike re-enters)
MIKE: What happened to the other servile? We can't stop now. We've got to
make the zro, we've got to conquer the world...
(Movie sign lights and buzzers go off)
M&TB: Ahhhh!! We've got usenet Sign!!!!
(they rush off)
6.....5.....4......3......2.....1.....
(and they're taking their seats, Mike is still dressed as Dr. F.)
MIKE: I think I'm not myself today...
CROW: You can say THAT again!
MIKE: I think I'm not--
CROW and TOM: D'oh!
MIKE (chuckling): Just kidding, guys.
>Subject: Aleister Crowley on Atlantis 2/2
>From: density4@aol.com (Density 4)
>Date: 24 Apr 1995 16:06:14 -0400
>Message-ID: <3nh0bm$l19@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
TOM: Some...thing...is...wrong...on Density 4
>[continued]
>The lesser mysteries of the High House were concerned almost
>entirely with the creation of life, and the bridging of the gulf
>between Earth and Venus. These were connected intimately; the
>theory was that if Atlantean brains could exist in bodies
>sufficiently subtle to traverse aether, the task was done. Some
>of the experiments were crude enough, and, to our minds,
>horrible.
TOM: Couldn't be worse than Fu Manchu...
> They attempted to breed a new race by crossing with
>snakes, swans, horses and other animals. The Greek legends of
>such monsters as Chimaera, Medusa, Lamia, Minotaur, the
>Centaurs, the Satyrs
MIKE: Gino Vannelli...
CROW: The Oak Ridge Boys...
> and the like are mere filtrations of the
>Atlantean tradition. The only theory behind such experiments
>was that they were contrary to the natural order, and so worth
>trying.
CROW: I like that attitude!
>Men of more scientific mind more plausibly passed Zro
>vapour through sea-water; but they only created serpents of vast
>size, which they cast into the sea about the High House as
>guardians. The sea-serpent, whether legend or fact, is derived
>from this experiment.
TOM (singing): A Bob Clampett cartooooooooon!
> It is quite possible that some such
>survive. Another school, objecting strongly to the sex-process,
>"which must be transcended as the Lemurians overcame gemmation"
>vivisected men and women, taking various parts of the brain,
>especially the cerebellum, the pineal gland, and the pituitary
>body, and cultivated them in solutions of Zro under the
>invisible rays of black phosphorus.
MIKE (Bela): I vill create a race of zupermen!!!
> The best results of this
>work was a race of translucent jelly-folk of great intellectual
>development;
(All burst into uproarious laughter)
CROW: Good evening, ladies and jelly-folk!
> but so far from being able to travel through space,
>they could hardly move in their own element. Another school
>argued that as Zro in vapour combined the virtues of the liquid
>and the solid Zro, so a fiery state might be produced which
>would so impregnate their bodies as to make them 'mates of the
>aether'.
TOM (singing): You say ether and I say aether...
> This school held that fiery Zro already existed in
>Nature, "in the heart of the Living Atla", and asserted that
>those who died by absorption into Atla passed straight to Venus.
MIKE: The people who felt this were thrown into the phosphorus factory.
>Many of them therefore tried hard to obtain messages from that
>planet. Familiar with Newton's first law of motion,
CROW: WHAT???
TOM: I call no way!!
> they
>further held it possible to prepare Zro in such a state that a
>current of it could never be deflected or dissipated, and so, if
>it could be made in sufficient quantity, a bridge to Venus might
>be built by which they might travel. They therefore tunneled
>through the planet, as previously explained, to have a sort of
>cannon for the Zro.
MIKE: Not unlike our modern day "tunnel of chili"
> But as their supply was pitifully
>insufficient, they endeavoured also to prepare a Zro which would
>have the power of multiplying itself. Alchemical tradition has
>some record of this problem.
>Yet another group of magicians argued that as Nature had cast
>off the planets from the Sun--a disputed point, some thinking
>this due to magic, which if so completely destroys the argument--
it would be contrary to Nature to cause the planets to fall back
>into it. They busied themselves with attempts to increase the
>Earth's gravitational pull, and (alternatively) to check her
>course.
CROW: These guys were apparently NOT familiar with Newton's first law of
motion...
>Their schemes were generally regarded as Utopian--yet
>they could boast of the discovery of the Zro that lightened
>bodies, and of a kind of aether-screen which generated
>mechanical power in inexhaustible quantities by making matter
>slightly opaque to aether.
TOM: Why didn't *I* think of that?
> This engine only worked on a very
>small scale. A screen two inches long would tear itself from
>fastenings that would have held an earthquake, while the rocks
>in its neighbourhood would melt in a few minutes, and the sea
>boil instantly where its rays struck.
MIKE: And that tended to lower property values.
> The most brilliant of
>this school asserted "Matter is a strain in the aether." He
>explained gravitation in this way. Place two ivory spheres in a
>rubber tube; the strain on the tube is least when the balls
>touch. The tendency is therefore for them to come together.
>Friction alone checks them. Now aether is infinitely elastic
>and without friction. From these data he calculated the Law of
>Inverse Squares.
TOM: Which eventually evolved into the game "Twister."
>A more mystic school saw life everywhere. It knew all that we
>know, and more, about ions and electrons; it saw every
>phenomenon as a manifestation of will. The crowning glory of
>this school was the discovery that Zro in its ninth stage, eaten
>and drunken with concentrated intention, produced the desired
>result, whatever (within wide limits) that result might be.
CROW: Which explains the career of Joe Piscopo.
>This went far to supersede the use of all specialized forms of
>Zro, and so to unify the magical practice.
>It seems curious with all this magic, Magic itself should be the
>thing most deplored.
TOM: Well, it's very addicting--but the cards are so cool looking!
> But it was the means, and, as such, "that
>which is in particular not the end". The word for Magic,
>'Ijynx', was the only dissyllable in the language, for Magic was
>the essentially two-fold thing, more two-fold (in a way) than
>the number two itself. It is interesting here to sketch briefly
>the mathematics of Atlas. The task is not easy, as their minds
>worked very differently from ours.
MIKE (Chevy Chase as Gerald Ford): I was told that that there would be no
math...
>The number 1 was a fairly simple idea;
CROW (scientist): We've provem scientifically that it's the loneliest
number that you'll ever do...
> but two was not only two,
>but also 'the result of adding 1 to 1' and 'the root of 4'. The
>numbers grew in complexity out of all reason. Seven was 6 plus
>1, and 5 plus 2, and 4 plus 3, and so on; as well as 'the root
>of 49', 'half 14' and the like. They even distinguished 4 plus
>3 from 3 plus 4.
TOM: Um...much in the same way WE do?
> Each number also represented an idea or group
>of ideas on all sorts of planes. It would have been quite
>possible to discuss dressmaking in terms of pure number.
CROW (lisping): Darling that dress is so fabulously 7!
> To
>give an example of the way in which their minds thought,
>consider the number three. Three, in so far as it gives the
>first plane figure, suggests superficies; with regard to the
>dimensions of space, solidity.
MIKE: ...it also suggests grizzly bears...I have no idea why...
> Three itself is therefore 'that
>ineffably holy thing in which the superficies is the solid'. Of
>course hundreds of other ideas must be added to this; and to
>grasp and harmonize them all in one colossal supra-rational idea
>was the constant task of every mathematician.
TOM: And the answer, of course, was "42."
> The upshot of
>this was that all numbers above 33 were regarded as spurious,
>illusionary; they had no real existence of their own; they were
>temporary compounds, unreal in very much the same sense as our
>square root of 1.
CROW (Shatner): Our Civil War...Our World War I and World II...
> They were always expressed by graphic
>formulae, like our own organic compounds. To take an example,
>the number 156 was regarded as a sort of efflorescence of the
>number 7; it was never written but as 77 plus [(7+7)/7] plus 77.
>Again 11 was usually written 3 plus 5 plus 3. It was always
>the aim to find symmetry in these expressions, and also 'to find
>an easy way to 1'. This last is difficult to explain.
TOM: Oh, and it's been easy up to now?
>Eleven was their great 'Key of Magic'. It is a twofold number
>in 'the act of becoming 1'. Thirty-seven was the essence of 1
>inasmuch as multiplying it by 3 gives 111, three ones, which
>divided again by 3 in another manner, yield 1. "One would
>rather think of 48 as 37 plus 11 than as 4 times 12" is the
>statement of an elementary text-book dating from the earliest
>days of Atlas. It was a sort of moral duty to teach the mind to
>think in this manner.
CROW: "Sort of a moral duty"...stirring words.
>The number 7 was the 'perfect number' with them as with us, but
>for very different reasons. It was the link between Earth and
>Venus, for one thing; I cannot explain why.
MIKE: I can! You're a loony!
> It was 'the number
>of Atla', and the 'house of success' (two being the 'house of
>battle').
TOM: And the House of Style!
> It was also grace, softness, ease, healing and 'joy
>of Zro' as well as 'play of phosphorus'.
CROW: And naughty rubber novelty items!
> Many mathematicians,
>however, attacked it with rigour; there was at one time an
>almost general consent to replace it by 8,
MIKE: I never liked 7 anyway...
TOM: I'll have an 8 and 8 on the rocks, please...
> and its 'rapture-
combination' 31, by 33. Despite the intense preoccupation with
>such ideas, mathematics as we know them had reached a perfection
>which if it does not surpass that of our own civilization, fails
>principally because of its theorems, handed down to Euclid and
>Pythagoras, although imperfectly, formed a springboard whence we
>might leap.
CROW: ...into sanity.
>The initiation of children was also a matter reserved for the
>High House. Weaned at three months, the children were tended by
>the lower classes until the age of puberty, an occurrence which
>fitted them at once for initiation. A legate from the High
>House was sent for, and in his presence the child was brought,
>acquainted with Zro by its father and mother, and full
>instruction in 'working' was further conferred by any member of
>the 'house' who chose to do so, this in practice meaning by
>everybody.
TOM (pained): Thank you sir, may I have another!
> The ceremonies were frequently long and exhausting;
>children often enough died in the course of them. This was not
>regarded as a serious calamity; some schools of magicians even
>pretended to rejoice. The representatives of the High House had
>a prior right to the parents of the child; at times he conducted
>the initiation in person, a high honour, but invariably fatal.
MIKE: Atlantis really sucked, okay? Let's just all agree to that.
>On rare occasions male children were sent over to the Atla to be
>devoured. The parents of so fortunate a child were advanced in
>rank on the spot, and had special privileges conferred on them,
>sometimes even being transferred to a 'House of Houses'.
CROW: Oooh, I love Led Zepplin!
MIKE: That's "Houses of the Holy," Crow.
CROW: Ah.
> All
>those who dwelt in the High House were veiled whenever they
>appeared, in order to prevent it being known that they were
TOM: Ugly as a mud fence.
> of
>the same appearance in all respects as their inferiors. This
>ordinance had been made after the Great Conspiracy, with which I
>shall deal in the chapter on History.
MIKE (dryly): I'm a-tingle with expectation.
>VI. OF THE UNDERGROUND GARDENS OF ATLAS, AND OF THE ALLEGED
> COMMERCE OF THE ATLANTEANS WITH INCUBI, SUCCUBI, AND THE
> DEMONS OF DARKNESS.
>I have referred to the contempt with which the Atlanteans were
>prone to regard the vegetable kingdom. Animals, including man,
>shared their scorn. The idea may have been that with their
>advantages they ought to have done much better for themselves.
CROW: C'mon, you're perfectly good head of lettuce! Get a job!!
>Minerals, however, were regarded as helpless; and hence the
>extraordinary attention paid to them.
TOM: This is Fluffy, my pet zinc.
> Beneath the houses the
>rock had been tunneled out into grottos, some in odd fantastic
>forms, but most in immense polyhedra or combinations of curves.
>Each 'house' had some twenty of such gardens. Three reagents
>were used in the cultivation; the 'seed of metals', 'the seed of
>Light', and the seed of '', an untranslatable idea approximating
>to our mystic's interpretation of 'Alpha and Omega'. The two
>former produced simple effects, the first formed jewels, self-
>luminious, which yet grew like flowers, the second similar
>effects with metals; while the third brought any mineral to
>flower in the most extravagant combinations of colour and form.
MIKE: And then the evil vegetable fairies came! (Tom and Crow laugh.)
>All such conditions as texture, hardness, elasticity, and
>physical attributes in general, were considered worthy of the
>profoundest attention.
>As an instance of these, I may describe particular gardens.
>One would have a roof of softly-glowing sapphires, foxglove,
>bluebell or gentian, and between these champak stars of ruby.
>The walls would be covered with tendrils of vine within whose
>depths lurked tiny blossoms of amethyst. The floor would be of
>malachite, but alive, growing as a coral does, softer than any
>earthly moss and more elastic to the tread. On every darker
>leaf might glow dew-drops of self-strung diamond formed from the
>carbon dioxide of the air by the action of the 'seed of Light'.
TOM: It's the big rock candy mountain!!
>Another grotto would be a monochrome of blue, various copper
>salts being 'planted' everywhere, and growing in incrustations
>and festoons of every shade of blue from the faintest tinge of
>coerulean azure and green and grey, in whose abyss would be seen
>shapes of anemonies, perhaps of such hues as iron oxide, silver
>chromate, and cupramonium cyanurate. All this floor would in
>all respects resemble water but for its greater solidity, and
>floating on it would be giant lilies, great green leaves of
>emerald with cups of pearl not less than twelve feet in
>diameter, with corollae of pure gold, so fine that they
>glimmered green, with pistils of platinum on whose tops trembled
>great pigeon-blooded rubies.
CROW: Okay, Aleister, what's in the pipe?
> Another might be wholly of metal,
>a mere bower of jasmine, with its floor of violets. The law of
>growth of these creatures of wisdom was not that of plants or
>animals, or even of crystals; it was that of the earth.
>Constantly growing as the planet approached the sun, they as
>steadily shrank as she departed to aphelion. This was not
>growth and decay, but the rise and fall of an eternal bosom.
TOM: Oh wow!
> It
>is probable, too, that this is one of the reasons why Atlas
>neglected the higher kingdoms; they had learned to grow, but on
>wrong lines, and it was too late to endeavour to correct the
>error.
>These gardens were the principal places of working. It was
>hardly possible to pass from one place to another without coming
>upon one of them, so cunningly were they distributed; and in
>every garden would be found, joyful and noble, parties of
>workers intent on their beloved task. The passer-by would
>gladly join one of such parties, engage in the work for so long
>as he wished, and then proceed upon his private business.
CROW: I still say this is about sex...
> In
>these same gardens too, were salvers and goblets always filled
>with Zro, and after toil, refreshment fitted the workers to
>return to labour.
MIKE: This Zro's for you...
>Now of these workings in the gardens strange tales are told. It
>is said that the inhabitants falling to repose were visited in
>sleep by incubi and succubi (whatever the nature of these may
>be, and I by no means concur in the opinion of Sinistrari),
CROW: Oh, me neither...
> and
>that they welcomed such with eagerness. Nay, darker legends
>tell of infamous commerce and intercourse with demons foul and
>malicious, and pretend that the power of Atlas was devilish, and
>that the catastrophe was the judgment of God. These mediaeval
>fables of the debased and perverted phallicism miscalled
>Christianity
TOM: WHOA!!! You'll go to H-E-double hockey sticks for talking like that!
> are unworthy even to be refuted, founded as they
>are on hypotheses contrary to common sense.
MIKE (chucking): Uh...glass houses, there Aleister...glass houses...
> Nor would they who
>knew themselves masters of the earth have deigned to degrade
>themselves, and moreover to vitiate their whole work by commerce
>with inferiors.
CROW (British): Can't I have just a LITTLE intercourse with the succubi?
TOM: NOW who's doing Python riffs?
> If there be any truth whatever in these
>stories, it will then be more easily supposable that the
>Atlanteans aspiring to journey sunwards to Venus, might invoke
>the beings of that planet, should it be possible for them to
>travel to us. And that this is impossible, who can assert?
MIKE (raising hand): I can! I can!
CROW: Me! Me! Let me!
TOM: Oooh! Oooh! Call on me!!
> On
>the theory of the Magicians, power increases as the sun is
>approached, the inhabitants of Earth being more highly infused
>with the magical force of Our Star than those of Mars, and they
>again more than those of great Jupiter, gloomy and disastrous
>Saturn and Uranus, or Neptune lost in star-dreams.
CROW (drill sergeant): NEPTUNE!! UP AND AT 'EM!!! RISE AND SHINE, MAGGOT!
> Again, the
>powers of each particular planet may, nay, must be wholly
>diverse. So fundamental a condition of existence as the value
>of g being vastly various, must not the inhabitants differ
>equally in body and in mind?
ALL: No.
> What lives on the minute and
>airless Moon can be no inhabitant of what may hide beneath the
>flaming envelope of the sun, with its fountains of hydrogen
>flaming an hundred thousand miles into the aether. And surely
>so wild an ambition as that of Atlas would not have been held by
>beings so wise and powerful for so many centuries had they not
>either a sure memory of coming from Mars, or some earnest of
>their eventual departure to Venus. Man does not persist in the
>chimerical for more than a few generations.
CROW: So Christianity may be perverted phallicism, but I guess it's not
chimerical!
TOM: I've always said that!
CROW: How true. How true.
> Alchemy achieved
>results so startling and so beneficial to humanity at large--one
>need only mention the discovery of zinc, antimony, hydrogen,
>opium, gas itself--that the original ideals were changed for
>others more limited and more practical--or at least more
>immediately realizable.
MIKE: How did we get from Mars to alchemy?
>Nor is this view unsupported by testimony of a sort. "Great and
>glorious, rays of our father the Sun", says one of the poets of
>Atlas, "are they within us. Let us call them forth by utterance
>that is not uttered, by the gesture that is not made, by the
>working that is above all working, for they are great and
>glorious, rays of our father the Sun. Then from our bride that
>waits for us in the nuptial chamber, green in the green West,
>blue in the blue East, exalted above our father in the even and
>in the morn, spring forth our heirs and our hosts, to greet us
>in the darkness.
TOM: Yeah, yeah, so it just goes on like that, huh?
> Dim-glimmering are our gardens in the light of
>the seed of light; they are peopled with shadows; they take
>form; they are as serpents, they are as trees, they are as the
>holy Zcrra, they are as all things straight or curved, they are
>winged, they are wonderful. With us do they work, and that which
>was but one in seven, and that which was two is become eleven!
>With us do they work, and give us of the draught miraculous; us
>do they instruct in magic, and feed us the delicate food. Let us
>call forth them that are within us, that they that are without
>may enter in, as it was made manifest by Him that maketh secret."
CROW: Leteth us goeth to the bar and geteth a drink, this hokum is
makething me nauseous.
>This passage, not devoid of a rude eloquence, makes clear what
>was held in exoteric circles. For in Atlas the poet was not as
>in England a holy and exalted being, one set apart for his high
>calling, throned in the hearts of the people, cherished by kings
>and nobles, one on whom no wealth and honour are too great to
>shower,
MIKE: Jeez, I guess Sylvia Plath missed out!
> but one of the people themselves, of no greater
>consequence than any other. Every man was an artist in so far as
>he was a man; and every man being equally so in nature, whether
>so in achievement or not mattered nothing, as appreciation was
>of no moment.
CROW: A world without critics! I like it!
> Accomplishing Art for the sake of Art, the
>interest of the creator in his work died with its creation. It
>may therefore be possible that these words are those of poetic
>exaggeration, or that there is a concealed meaning in them, or
>that they are intended to mask and mislead, or that the poet was
>not himself fully instructed.
TOM: ...or drunk.
> Indeed it is certain that only the
>High House had the secrets of Atlas, and that the magicians of
>the House held the undeniable if sometimes dangerous doctrine
>that the truth and falsehood of any statement alternated as do
>day and night according to the status of the hearer of the
>statement.
TOM: Uh, is what he just said true?
MIKE: Well...what time is it?
> However, so strong is the tradition concerning the
>'Angel of Venus' that it must at least be considered carefully.
>The theory appears to have been that if the magicians of Venus
>invited the Atlanteans, means would assuredly follow, just as if
>a King summons a paralysed man to his presence, he will also
>send officers to convey him.
CROW: What if he was a really MEAN King?
> Now whether the 'Angel of Venus' is
>really an angel in anything like the modern sense of the word,
>or merely a title of one of the principal magicians of the
>planet, it is evident that the High House ardently desired his
>presence. That this might be manifested by the birth of a child
>'without the stain of Atla' was clearly an ultimate desideratum,
>an outward and visible sign of redemption, an obvious guarantee
>of the reality of the occurrence.
TOM: I'm guessin' a guarantee of reality is something these folks needed a
LOT!
> It was then a Virgin high
>priestess who achieved so notable a renown; whether or not this
>is a mere poetic parable of the abiogenesis--if it is indeed
>fair so to describe it--of the eleventh stage of Zro is another
>and an open question.
MIKE: One I'll be discussing in my new ten-part series...
> In any case, such is the tradition, and
>numerous parodies of it are still extant in the stories of the
>births of Romulus and Remus, Bacchus, Buddha and many other
>legendary heroes of modern times; we even catch an echo in the
>myths of such barbarian lands as Syria.
>So much and no more concerning the Underground Gardens of Atlas,
>and of their commerce with the inhabitants of Venus.
>VII. OF MARRIAGE AND OTHER CURIOUS CUSTOMS OF THE ATLANTEANS:
> AND OF SACRIFICES TO THE GODS.
>I have already adverted to that most singular conception of the
>duty of the married which opposes the customs of Atlas to those
>of any other race on Earth. But the considerations which
>established it have yet to be discussed. I will not insist on
>that gross and cynical point of view which might perceive in
>English marriage today a practical vindication of the Atlantean
>position.
MIKE: But, I'll cynically imply it, just the same.
> On the contrary, in Atlas marriage formed the
>loftiest of ideals. It resembles the 'Hermetic marriage' of
>certain alchemists. The bond between the parties was only
>stronger for the absence of the lower link.
TOM: "The Lower Link"--oooh, I like that!
CROW: It's almost as good as "boing!"
> The idea underlying
>this was in the main a particular case of the general
>proposition that whatever was natural should be transcended. As
>will be seen in the final chapter, the very stigma of success in
>their Great Work was the transcending of the sexual process.
>The bond of marriage was not, however, entirely of this negative
>character. It had its positive side, and here closely resembled
>the so-called Christian doctrine of Christ and the church.
>Husband and wife were to be father and daughter, mother and son,
>brother and sister, teacher and pupil,
MIKE: That's sick!
> and above all, friends.
CROW: That's REALLY sick!
>And this relation was to subsist on all planes. The hieroglyph
>of love was a cross; that of marriage, parallel straight lines,
>and as the cross was to be transcended in the circle, so were
>these lines to converge not on earth, but in Venus.
TOM (singing): ...there is love.....there is love.
> In the
>meanwhile each partner led his own free life; and it often
>occurred that a woman, having borne two children to a man and
>married him, would bear two children to another man, and so on
>perhaps for two centuries, thus acquiring a cohort of husbands.
MIKE: Family reunions must have been complicated...
>Such an arrangement must clearly have lead to grave confusion
>had any question of property and inheritance been involved, but
>notions so unfortunate were unknown. Where all had every
>heart's desire, of what value were they?
CROW: $47.82 plus tax.
> It is true that some
>division of labour (though little) was involved in the social
>scheme, but it occurred to no one to regard the supervision of
>serviles as less honourable than the offering of great
>sacrifices. In a perfect organism one part is as necessary and
>decent as any other part, and no sane observer can reason
>otherwise.
TOM: Which leaves you out, Aleister.
> For a perfect organism has a single definite aim,
>and the only dishonourable feather on an arrow would be one that
>was out of place.
CROW: He got that out of a fortune cookie!
> Human nature being what it is, one may
>nevertheless agree that this measureless content with the
>existing order, except in so far as the purpose of the
>establishment of that order was unfulfilled, was rendered
>possible by the extreme lightness of the toil demanded of any
>individual. But it is impossible for slaves to understand free
>men.
MIKE: Have you checked with the slaves on this? They might disagree.
> It is always a wonder to Englishmen that a man should
>devote himself to unremitting toil for an ideal. He is called a
>crank, basely slandered, the lowest motives being without any
>reason assigned to his actions, mocked, persecuted, perhaps
>crucified. This is partly forgivable, as in England
>philanthropy is almost invariably the mask of vice and fraud.
TOM: SOMEbody definitely was not popular in high school, I think...
>The ceremony of marriage was simple, dignified, yet poignant.
>The lovers in the presence of their whole house, publicly
>embraced for the last time. Their two children pressed them
>apart. Elevating their hands in a crossed clasp they gave way,
>and the children passed through, preceding a most holy image
>which was borne by a priest and priestess between them. Then
>they parted, and each was severally congratulated and embraced
>by any of the others who chose, and the priest and priestess
>then, exalting the image and setting it in a suitable shrine,
CROW: Announced that there would be bars and punch in the fellowship hall.
>closed the ceremony by the command "To work" and adding force to
>the same by their example.
>The education of the children was another important matter in
>which their ideas were wholly opposed to our own. It ceased
>altogether at the age of puberty, which was sometimes as early
>as six,
TOM: Whoa! Six?
CROW (James Mason): Oh, Lolita!
> never later than fourteen. Were it so delayed, the
>delinquent was crowned in mockery with a square black cap,
>sometimes tasselated,
TOM: You ever been tasselated, Mike?
MIKE: I'm not sure...is that when you buy some fruity loafers from Thom
McCann?
> and sent among the serviles to instruct
>them in religion and similar branches of learning, and never
>permitted to return to Atlas. The ignorance and superstition of
>the plains was thus kept at a proper height.
CROW: 4 feet, 9 and one-half inches.
>The method of education was indeed singular. Certain
>Atlanteans who made it their study would place the various
>articles in the hands of the infants, and observe what use they
>made of them. In the course of a few months the experts had
>accurately mapped the psychology of the child, and it was led in
>accordance therewith.
TOM: Well, it makes as much sense as standardized testing!
> The marriage customs of Atlas allowed no
>too rapid growth in numbers, and it was therefore easy to give
>each child attention. The method of opposition was again
>employed in education, the child's natural wish being
>constantly stimulated by a parallel training in the contrary
>subject. Children were also shewn a series of ordered facts,
>and an explanation given.
CROW: This is the Iran-Contra Report...
> But not the least pains was taken to
>ascertain whether the child had retained those instructions;
>they were left as impressions on the mind. The brain was not
>injured by the strain of being constantly forced to bring up its
>stores from the subconscious.
MIKE: Which is how the Aleister got HIS brain injuries....
> It was found in practice that
>every child learnt everything that it was shown, and that this
>learning was always ready for use, while the consciousness was
>never wearied or overcrowded. It was also found that those
>whose memories were what we call good were precisely those who
>failed to develop in other ways more useful to society.
TOM: Um...could you repeat that last part for me again?
>The most peculiar of their methods was the search for genius.
>It was the business of the experts to pay the most serious and
>reverent attention to all that a child did, and whenever they
>failed to understand the workings of its mind, to place it under
>the charge of a special guardian, who did his utmost to
>comprehend sufficiently to be able to encourage it to become yet
>more unintelligible.
CROW: Now known as the Norm Crosby technique.
>Apud eos membrum virile membrano lucido erat; ob quod qualis
>circumscisio die nativitatis facta erat. Vix credere dignum
>est, tanquam verum, feminarum montes venereales similutidine
>facies fuere, facies demonicae, sardonicae, Satyricae, cujus os
>erat os vulvae, res horribiles atque ridiculosa. Ferunt similia
>de virorum membris, quae fingunt sicut imagines homunculorum
>fuere. Lege--Judice--Tace.
MIKE: THAT was the most intelligent thing he's said so far!
TOM: I think he said it's time to leave, fellas.
(they rise and depart)
1.....2......3......4......5.....6 {clunk}
[SOL]
(Mike, standing at one side of the desk, is now completely Dr. F--the
latest and last addition being the glasses. He is busily making notes on a
clipboard and laughing evilly to himself. Pan to the other side of the
desk, where Crow, Tom and Gypsy are cowering.)
GYPSY: Well, I shut off the gas from Deep 13. Do you think it'll wear off
soon and we'll get our own lovable Mike Nelson back?
CROW: Hard to say, Gyps. The transformation might be permanent. And I, for
one, think he looks pretty darned handsome!
TOM: Shut up, Crow. Have faith, Gypsy! I KNOW that the REAL Mike is down
deep in there somewhere, struggling to get out!
GYPSY: If only we could help!
TOM: Hmmm....maybe we can! Follow my lead, guys. (Goes over to Mike). Oh,
um, Mike?
MIKE (turning to the bots, irritably): Huh? Oh, what is it now? Can't you
see I'm busy??
TOM: Well, yes, we can! But we have an important SCIENTIFIC question for
you. We're not sure if this Hostess Snowball here (indicates desk, where a
Hostess Snowball is sitting) is fresh or stale?
CROW (quietly): Good idea, Tom! The old Mike LOVED Hostess Snowballs! (To
Mike). That's right, Mike. We wanted to find out and we went to the
greatest scientific mind of our age to find the answer!
MIKE (flattered, puts down his clipbaord): Well, since you put it that
way. It's really very simple, my pusilanimous pygmies. Since the Hostess
Snowball is drenched in more chemicals than a DDT canister, the only thing
to do is take a bite! (Grabs it and bites it.) Like so!
(Chews...swallows...clutches his throat...gurgles horribly and disappears
behind the desk. Gypsy looks away.
GYPSY: Oh, I can't look! What's happening??
CROW: It's...it's working!! He's changing!!
TOM: You're right!! Look!
(A hand appears above the desk....followed by Mike--his moustache is half
off, his wig is crooked, his glasses are over his mouth and his lab coat
is mostly off. Mike looks at the bots.)
MIKE: What...what happened?
GYPSY: Dr. Forrester's horrible transformation gas turned you into an evil
scientist!
CROW: But a very good looking one!
TOM: Shut up, Crow. Mike, do you feel better?
MIKE (standing up, pulling off the lab coat): I...think so...(reaches up
and gingerly begins pulling off his moustache) Ow! Ow! Ow!
GYPSY: It's going to be a painful road to recovery....
(Commercial sign goes off)
MIKE: It sure is! Ow! (hits commercial sign button)
(into spaghetti ball bumper and into commercial)
COMMERCIAL
(Coming out of commercial...and they're taking their seats in the theater.
Mike is back to normal.)
MIKE: Wow, I feel like my old self again.
CROW: I kinda liked ya the way you were...
TOM: Shut up, Crow.
>Many of the men had ossified extensions of the frontal process
>which amounted to horns,
TOM: Especially after a couple of drinks!
> and the formation was occasionally
>found in the higher types of women. Curiously carven head-
>dresses of gold were worn by both sexes,
CROW: What's so curious about that?
> and those of priestly
>rank adorned these with living serpents, and the high priests
>yet further with feathers or with wings, such being not the
>spoils of dead birds, but the blossoms of the live gold of the
>crowns.
MIKE: No birds were hurt in the making of this head-dress.
> Some tradition of this custom is found in the pictures
>of the 'Gods' of Egypt, these gods being merely the Atlanteans
>whose mission civilized the country. The names of some of the
>earlier gods confirm this. Nu (Hebrew Noah) is Atlantean for
>arch, Zu (Egyptian Shu) for many ideas connecting with wind, Asi
>means 'cum quasi serpens', obviously the name of an actual High
>Priestess.
TOM: And, roughly translates as "Cum on feel the noiz"
> Ra is pure Atlantean for Sun, and 'Mse' (Egyptian
>Chomse) for moon. The idea in 'Mse is that of a strong woman
>('M) closing the mouth of a serpent (S) or dragon, and from this
>we have the XIth card of the Bohemian Tarot, and the legend in
>the Apocalypse.
CROW: The horror...the horror....
> In the mystic Greek used by the Gnostics we
>find similar traces, SOPHIA being from S Ph,
MIKE: ...and the O and the IA.
> giving the idea of
>'serpent breath' i.e. wisdom.
TOM (Carnac): You are WRONG, serpent breath!
> IAO is PHALLOS, KTEIS, PROKTOS.
>The word LOGOS means the Boy (G) naturally engendered of the
>Virgin (L) and the Serpent (S). THEOS (root O, first written 0)
>means the sun in his strength and also the Lingam-Yoni conjoined.
CHRISTOS is 'The love of passion of the Rising Sun (R) and the
>serpent' (S). The I and T indicate certain details which are
>foreign to the present discussion. NEUMA (Atlantean N M) is the
>'Arch of the Woman', MARIA, the Woman of the Sun. The words
>MEITHRAS and ABRAXAS are again derived from Atlas.
CROW: You know, we'd believe anything at this point...
> "The woman
>entered, Lingam being conjoined with Yoni, bears the sun from
>her serpent womb" and "From the womb's mouth the sun (cometh
>seeking) a womb for his desire, even the womb of a serpent", the
>course of the year being signified in this manner, as usual with
>the ancients.
MIKE: What was that about bears from the sun?
TOM: Ya know, I think something dirty went by there and we missed it
completely.
> This plan of an idea corresponding to each letter
>was carried out very strictly: thus TLA, black, means the stigma
>or mark of the virgin's womb, IA (Hail! Greeting!) 'Face to
>Face', from the other peculiarity described above. These few
>examples will suffice to indicate the singular character of the
>language,
CROW: MORE than suffice...
> and the way in which its essential dogmatic symbols
>have been incorporated by the heirs of Atlas in the inmost
>sanctuaries of races which they deemed worthy of such assistance.
>I must not pass over in silence the question of sacrifice to the
>gods, to which a passing reference has already been made. Such
>sacrifices were not very frequent; the victims were the
>'failures', those who were useless to the social economy.
TOM: Failures vill be bred unt slaughtered!
> As
>they represented capital expenditure, the object was to recover
>this, at least, since no interest could be expected. The victim
>was therefore handed over to a High Priest or Priestess, who
>extracted the life by an instrument devised for and excellently
>adapted to the purpose, so that it died of exhaustion. The life
>thus regained was given to 'the gods' in a manner too complex to
>be described in this brief account.
MIKE: But UPS was heavily involved...
>The early age at which puberty occurred was due to design. The
>normal period of gestation had also been shortened to four
>months. This was all part of the scheme to economize time. Old
>age had been almost done away with by the great readiness of the
>Atlanteans to 'go and see' at the first sign of failing power.
CROW: The '74 oil embargo, as I recall.
>No doubt, further improvements would have been made but for the
>loss of interest in the matter, all generation being regarded as
>'the old experiment', not likely to repay the trouble of further
>research. In the 200 or 300 years of a man's full vigour, only
>8 years on an average was the wastage of childhood, and even
>this was not all waste, since some time at least must be
>necessary for the experts to discover and direct the tendencies
>of the mind. The body ought therefore to be regarded as an
>engine, the theoretical limit of whose efficiency had been
>reached.
>So much I mention of the customs of the Atlanteans with regard
>to marriage, education and religious sacrifices.
TOM: Yeah, why so much?
>VIII. OF THE HISTORY OF ATLAS, FROM ITS EARLIEST ORIGINS TO THE
> PERIOD IMMEDIATELY PRECEDING THE CATASTROPHE.
>The origin of Atlas is lost in the obscurity of antiquity. The
>official religious explanation is this: "We came across the
>waters on the living Atla",
MIKE (singing): Way doooowwwwn below the ocean......
CROW: I was wondering when you'd get to that...
> which is pious but improbable. A
>mystic meaning is to be suspected. The lay historian says "We
>came, escaping from destruction, eight persons in a ship,
>bearing the living Zro." This reminds one of later legends of
>presumably equal value. Poets frankly claim "We descended from
>heaven", and it has been seriously urged that seafarers would
>have preferred the plains to the rocks.
TOM: Wouldn't seafarers have preferred the sea?
> The law of contrariety
>to Nature explains this away. Others maintain that the earliest
>settlers came 'by air,' or 'through air'. This must mean
>balloons or airplanes, as flying was not known until centuries
>after.
CROW: EET EES BALLOOOOON!!!
> What is definitely known is that the earliest settlers
>were of a purely fighting race.
MIKE: Klingons?
>An Atlantean Homer,
TOM (Homer): D'oh! Why you little...
> Ylo, has described the first battle in such
>detail as to leave no doubt that he is retelling facts--a marked
>contradiction to his earlier books.
CROW: Which had hobbits and dwarves and stuff.
> There appear to have been
>but few Atlanteans, unless the names given are those of chiefs,
>which internal evidence contraverts. Their valour seems to have
>been prodigious. The natives were armed with every possible
>instrument of precision, having cavalry and artillery in
>abundance,
MIKE: It's the Atlantean militia!
> as well as weapons that must have been as superior to
>the modern rifle (unless Ylo exaggerates)
TOM: Oh, THAT doesn't seem likely, now does it?
MIKE (singing): The call him mellow Ylo!
TOM: I THINK we have reached our Donavan quota for this experiment, Mike.
> as that is to the
>arquebus.
CROW: I think we're all bozos on this arquebus.
> In spite of this the men of Atlas 'smote them with
>rods' or 'fell upon them with their cones',
ALL: EWWWWWWWWW!
MIKE (Beldar): We're from France!
> and routed them
>utterly. This mention of rods and cones has absurdly suggested
>to commentators that the Atlanteans used their eyes, and
>hypnotised the enemy. To state such an opinion is sufficient to
>expose its author to the contempt of the thoughtful.
TOM: And we all know how painful THAT can be!
> Altogether
>86 battles were fought, extending over five years, before the
>natives were reduced to sue for peace.
CROW: I'm Doug Llewellen, and tonight on The People's Court, The Case of
the Angry Atlanteans!
> This was granted on
>generous terms, which the colonists broke, as soon as they dared
>to do so, in accordance with the invariable rule of colonists,
>then as much as today. However, it was nigh on a hundred years
>before the first college of magic was established.
MIKE: Once that happened, all they did was play Magic all the time.
> Previously
>the Atla had been carried about as occasion demanded. It was
>now enshrined with some decency of ceremonial upon a mountain.
>About three hundred years later we find ourselves face to face
>with the first great Mystery of Atlas. This is a translation of
>the record of that most strange event.
>"Now it came to pass that all men turned black and died, and
>that the living Atla abode alone, bearing Mercury, whereof the
>Sun knoweth. Thus came again the true men of Atlas, and their
>women, bearing gods and goddesses. And the void suffered
>nothing, and the earth was at peace. Now then indeed arose Art,
CROW: And his buddy Paul, and they sang the "57th Street Bridge Song."
>and men builded, being blind. And there was light, and some of
>the light wrought mischief. Wherefore the wise men destroyed
>them with their magic, and there is no record because it is
>written in that which is." A sort of 'Si monumentum quaeris,
>circumspice' seems here implied.
TOM: It certainly does!! You are so right!
MIKE: Tom, I'm getting worried about you.
> In any case there were clearly
>two gaps unbridge able between the early struggles of the
>settlers, the period of great buildings, and the modern period,
>which proved stable of 'houses'. The 'houses' were only made
>possible by the perfecting of Zro, and this helps considerably
>to fix the date.
CROW: I'm just going to nod my head like understand...
> The next 2500 years were years of peaceable
>progress; the labour-mills were run without a hitch, and the
>next event was the discovery of black phophorus. It had been
>the custom to worship the Atla with lights, and these lights had
>been candles of yellow phosphorus in golden sheathes. At that
>time the Atla was veiled. At one festival of Spring the veils
>were burnt up, the lights extinguished, and the yellow
>phosphorus was found to have been turned into the black powder.
TOM: This was no boating accident!
>The magicians examined this, and brought Zro to its ninth stage.
>This revolutionized the condition of things: old age and
>disease were no more, and death voluntary. Strangely enough
>this led directly to the Great Conspiracy.
CROW (Nixon): Liddy and the Plumbers will break into the Watergate...
>At the end of this period of 2500 years the system of 'houses'
>was well established. There were over 400 such 'houses', each
>of perhaps 1000 souls on an average. These were governed by 4
>'houses of houses' whose rulers took orders from the High House,
>at the head of which was the living Atla. The plain principle
>of Atlas was revolution; and like all revolutionary bodies, was
>obliged to adopt the strictest form of autocracy. A democracy
>is always soddenly conservative. The only hope is to catch it
>in one of its moments of crazy enthusiasm, and crush it before
>it has time to recover.
MIKE: Thomas Paine couldn't have said it better himself.
> Caesar and Napoleon both did this as
>far as they could; Cromwell and Porfirio Diaz did the same
>within narrower limits.
TOM: And *I* did it with the local PTA.
>Now a certain sophist--for philosopher one cannot call him--
>tried to enunciate a magical law to the effect that the present
>standard of life was all that could be desired; that further
>progress would be harmful, that Venus was not worth attaining,
>and that the sole endeavour of the magicians should be to
>preserve things as they were.
CROW: Wow! Jesse Helms really IS old!
> That such a proposition could be
>supposed a 'law' reflects no credit on its author or its
>supporters. Yet of these it found many. The ninth stage of Zro
>was a leap calculated to unsettle the calmest mind. Its reality
>had beggared the optimist's daydream. Poets had thrown down
>their stilettos.
MIKE: Ah, the legendary stiletto-weilding poets of Atlantis...
> High Priests who had spent decades in hopeful
>experiment saw their results attained by an entirely different
>method. In short, two thirds of the people were infected with
>the heresy, and hoped to hear it promulgated as a Law of Magic.
>It should here be explained that every Law of Magic had its turn
>as the principal law of practical working, and the school
>supporting any law, or insisting on it, became prominent with it.
TOM: For a complete list email Zandar@UAtlantis.edu
>Every dominant law in all history had always been made
>insignificant by a new discovery about Zro, or other matter of
>practical importance, just as the "Peace with Honour" battle-cry
>of Disraeli was drowned by the calculation of the cost of
>warships, soldiers and patriotism.
CROW: He keeps sneaking that political commentary in there!
> Each step in Zro had
>consequently implied the rise to power of a new school; and the
>sophist was ambitious, and yet the law he wished to establish
>was the ruling law of the servile races.
>The 'law' was accordingly sent to the High House for approval.
>Some opposition may have been forseen, but no one was prepared
>for the blackness of disapproval which actually radiated,
>striking hearts cold. A course without precedent, no answer was
>vouchsafed. On the contrary, even normal communication was
>suspended.
TOM: I think Aleister vaporlocked again...
> The houses which favoured the innovation--333 in
>numbers--took counsel, came to the decision that it was useless
>to oppose the High House, and were about to acquiesce, when a
>woman who had once been in the presence of 'To Her' rose and
>thought vehemently 'The Living Atla is the head of our
>conspiracy'.
MIKE: You know, in Atlantis, it must have been a crime to think "fire" in
a crowded theater.
> In other words, they were the loyalists, the
>Magicians of the High House the rebels. This was why they had
>cut themselves off, because their own head was against them. It
>was instantly resolved to go to the High House, and demand the
>custody of 'To Her'. Nearing the goal, however, a remnant of
>the ancient reverence half cowed even the ringleaders--I may
>mention that five of every six of the heretics were women
CROW: And we KNOW what THAT means!
> --when
>they saw a stern phalanx of magicians, its point threatening
>their centre. As they wavered, a woman cried "They are only men
>such as we are." The ranks stiffened;
(CROW takes a breath to say something)
MIKE: Crow, don't even start...
> on all sides the army
>closed upon the tiny phalanx, which only numbered 66 all told.
>It was then that the truth was known. Ere a blow could be
>struck, the attacking party vanished;
TOM: Now, which was the attacking party?
CROW: Not a clue, Tom, I got lost back around the seventh form of Zro.
> it was instantaneous and
>complete annihilation. From that moment it was certain that the
>ruling power in Atlas was Something infinitely more awful than
>the Living Atla.
MIKE: Barry Diller!!
> In order to avoid any possible repetition of
>such a disaster--for the Magicians of the High House knew that
>any manifestation of the Supreme must undo the work of centuries--
>they gave out that they had become too terrible to look upon,
>and for the future they always appeared with heavy veils, or
>rather masks, since for the most part they were carven
>fantastically by the wearers in their leisure hours.
TOM: I thought leisure was forbidden?
CROW: Tom, sometimes you just have to let crap FLOW over you
> A further
>alteration was made in the system of government. The head of
>one of the 'houses of houses' was made supreme:
MIKE: And the Contract With Atlanis was approved.
> the High House
>took no part in affairs of state. Thus the Atla was to all
>intents and purposes deposed, although the same reverence and
>sacrifice were paid to it as formerly. It became a
>'constitutional monarch', in our modern jargon.
TOM: And the tabloids printed all sorts of rumors about who the Atla was
sleeping with.
>The next thousand years were years of serious trial in other
>ways. The toil of repopulation was excessive,
CROW: Oh, honey, not again!
> and there was a
>revolt or rather strike of the servile races, which was ended by
>the substitution of 'bread from heaven' for those products of
>the earth on which they had formerly been fed, a diet which
>proved so adapted to their natures that no labour troubles ever
>recurred.
MIKE: Oh, so somebody DID form the Atlantean Socialist Workers Party!
TOM: I have to say, I don't see "No more feeding us dead bodies" as an
unreasonable demand...
>The Greek legends of the wars between Gods, giants, Titans are
>traditional of a real war or series of wars which continued with
>intervals over 200 years. The enemy had developed naval
>armament to an extreme. Their tactics were these:
>
>1. To wipe out the servile races and so to interfere with the
> production of Zro.
>2. To rush and destroy the High House.
CROW: Call in the ATF!
MIKE: Ouch! Kinda harsh, Crow!
>The first of these met with a great deal of success, the
>floating rock being struck with projectiles and sunk.
TOM: And the rubber ducky was damaged as well.
> This
>occurred chiefly on the outlaying islands, where they were not
>too much afraid to make raids in force. They also sent epidemic
>disease of many kinds. Atlas was reduced to such extremity in
>these ways that at one time the waterways were forced and the
>assault on the High House was actually carried out, bombardment
>continuing day and night for months together.
(Tom and Mike make bomardment noises)
CROW: MARINES! WE ARE LEAVING!
> Through a
>misunderstanding of a well known magical law, Atlanteans at that
>time considered themselves prohibited from employing any other
>defence than the rods and the cones of their forefathers; and
>these, it appears, were useless against machinery,
MIKE: But delicious on a hot summer day!
> or against
>men protected by fortification in such a way that they could not
>be got at from any quarter. Thus the sharklike submarines of
>the enemy were unassailable. The war was therefore at first
>entirely one-sided. A certain youthful magician, however,
>resolving to die for his country if need were, decided to
>retaliate. He had found that Zro in its nascent state (i.e.
>between the globes)
TOM: And I think we've all been between the globes at one time or
another...
> had the power of bringing about endothermic
>reaction, seawater for example, becoming caustic soda and
>hydrochloric acid; and further that this acid thus produced was
>many thousand times more active than in its normal state.
CROW (Beakman): Ba-da-bing! Ba-da-boom! Hydrochloric acid!
> For
>example, the rock basins in which he conducted his first
>experiment dissolved as rapidly as butter under boiling oil. He
>then prepared a number of pairs of receiver-globes, and dropped
>them in the vicinity of the enemy's submarines by night. In
>this manner he destroyed the hulls of almost the whole fleet in
>a single night; and the remainder fled in panic at dawn.
MIKE: Run away!! Run away!!
> They
>returned the following year, carrying out daylight raids only
>and devoting themselves chiefly to destroying the labour-mills.
>The young magician had been rewarded for his services by being
>presented to the Atla,
TOM: Congratulations! For saving our nation, you get to be ingested by a
hideous supernatural beast.
> and this example encouraged others to
>find means of attacking the invaders. Artificial darkness was
>therefore invented, and combined with the former method; but
>this was only partially successful, the tremendous pace of the
>'sharks' enabling them to evade any threatening clouds. They
>did enormous damage, and the supplies of Zro were seriously
>curtailed.
MIKE (doper): Supplies are low, man. This town is dry!
> Things now went from bad to worse, and culminated in
>the attack on the High House, the besiegers keeping their
>battleships surrounded by rafts of fire, so that attack was
>impossible even by night.
TOM (singing): Rafts on fire, rolling down the rooooaaad!
> It was then that the High House
>called on the heorism of its sons. Armed with long swords of
>Zro, they plunged into the sea, to perish under the tooth of the
>Zhee-Zhou,
CROW: Who was busy slapping a traffic cop.
TOM: That was a reach, Crow.
CROW: Not for her!
TOM: D'oh!
> but not before they had time to hack the invading
>battleships to shreds. Their floating torch-rafts only assisted
>the attack by directing the swimmers to their quarry.
MIKE (Desi): Lucy! I tol' you not to set da rafts on fire...
CROW (Lucy): Waaaahhhhhh....Ricky!!!
> The
>attack on the High House had aroused Atlas at last. A counter
>invasion was plotted and carried out with immediate and complete
>success, the enemy being exterminated, and their country not
>merely ravaged but destroyed by arousing the forces of
>earthquake. All activity of this kind however was deprecable,
TOM: Under form 1218c...and you can also deduct all the invasion expenses.
> a
>recurrence was guarded against by removing the High House to the
>lofty mountain previously described, and a 'house' was chosen to
>cultivate the art of war, and entrusted with the duty of
>destroying any living thing that might approach within a hundred
>miles of Atlas.
CROW: Thus putting a serious dent in the tourism industry...
>Only one other adventure of historical importance remains to be
>recorded. It is the attempt of some foolish Atlanteans to found
>an 'Empire', and so to be entirely distinguished from the
>missionary effort referred to previously. The original
>settlement of Atlas, as has been the case with all flourishing
>colonies, was made by a few hardy pioneers, who strengthened
>themselves gradually by growth.
TOM: And by executing the natives for fun.
> But Atlas in her momentary
>madness poured out blood and treasure in the fatuous attempt to
>impose alien domination on lands utterly unsuited to the genius
>of the people. The idea, of course, was to increase the supply
>of labour and consequently of crude Zro. In the first place the
>adventure was expensive. It was uneconomical (in the scientific
>sense) to send ships with less than 1000 fighting men. The Zro
>required for these meant the employment of at least 7000
>serviles, and the naval construction was therefore of a colossal
>order.
CROW: It was FAABULOUS!!!
> But although little difficulty was found in conquering
>the country in the military sense, the natives had to be almost
>exterminated, and the labour of the survivors proved difficult
>to enforce. It was even then not a tenth as efficient as that
>of the serviles at home. The imported serviles moreover caught
>native diseases, and died in hundreds; and though by prodigious
>sacrifices the West African Empire was kept going for nearly 200
>years, it had to end at last no less ingloriously than the
>French adventure in Mexico, or the English in India, and South
>Africa.
MIKE: Or Heaven's Gate.
>The main causes were the impossibility of breeding children in a
>climate so unsuitable, even of maintaining their own women, and
>above all the fact that the crude Zro was not of a quality equal
>to that obtained in Atlas, and that the Zro generated by the
>Atlanteans themselves was not to be made at all outside their
>own country. The lesson was learnt.
TOM: And learnt well...
> Until the end no further
>attempt was made to advance in any but the true direction. The
>great majority of the colonists returned to Atlas; but many,
>degenerating as is the fashion with colonists of this conquering
>kind, abandoned Zro for gross food, intermarried with the
>natives, and have generally degenerated yet further to races
>inferior even to the present descendants of those who were in
>those days the equivalents of the serviles of Atlas.
CROW: Which explains Tor Johnson, I think...
>IX. OF THE CATASTROPHE, ITS ANTECEDENTS AND PRESUMED CAUSES.
>In my remarks on Zro I have a necessarily somewhat diffuse
>account of the properties of this remarkable substance. It must
>now be made clearer that the crude Zro in its nine stages
>produced by the serviles, and consumed in the 'houses' was in
>each stage of inferior quality to that of the same degree
>produced by the Atlanteans, and consumed by the High House.
MIKE: I always get the high-octane zro...
> For
>example, the crude Zro was made in a labour-mill with all sorts
>of insulations. The first stage of the priest's Zro could be
>made anywhere and at any time, and naturally directed itself to
>the receptable for it without any precautions.
TOM: Don't you think that's pretty irresponsible?
MIKE (Sheik guy): It's repression, man!!!
> It must, I
>think, be presumed that the Zro generated in the High House was
>again of far greater purity and potency. Very little of it can
>have been used in the experiments of the magicians, and it is
>therefore necessary to account for enormous quantities, produced
>during many centuries of uninterrupted labour.
CROW: I admit it!! I've been embezzling it!!
> I have, however,
>no data of any kind for this investigation; the mysteries of the
>High House have ever been inscrutable, and were not wholly
>delivered to the Heirs of Atlas. They must be rediscovered by
>the magicians of the new race.
MIKE: The Daytona 500, for example...
> It may be that in some form or
>other the Zro had been made stable, and used to impregnate the
>column which is alleged to have been driven 'through the Earth';
>perhaps, and less improbably, only to the depth of a few hundred
>miles. This column, however long it may have been, had
>certainly its top immediately beneath the reservoir of the High
>House.
(Mike and the Bots begin humming the Hogan's Heroes theme)
TOM (Schultz): I know nothing!! NOTHING!!
> It had been completed about 70 years before the
>'catastrophe' but apparently no effort was made to utilize it in
>any way. To me it appears probable that in some one mind the
>whole 'catastrophe' was brooding, that the column was part of
>the device, and that the event which I shall now describe was
>the other part.
>This event was the birth of a child in the High House, a child
>without the distinguishing mark of the daughters of Atlas. That
>any child at all should have been born there is so incredible
>that I am inclined to suspect an improper use of the word 'born'.
CROW: Cloned, perhaps.
>I think rather that a magician brought Zro to its eleventh
>stage, when it takes human form, and lives!
MIKE: Exclamation point!
> The alternative
>theory is that of the 'Angel of Venus' described in the chapter
>on the Underground Gardens of Atlas. The supporters of this
>theory hold that the child was not born of a priestess, but of
>the Living Atla.
TOM: But those people are insane.
>In any case, the whole country gave itself up to unbridled
>rejoicing. Work was carried on at a greater speed than ever
>before: one might say a delirium of labour. For eleven years
>this continued without cessation, and then without warning came
>the order to repair to the High House--every man, woman and
>child of Atlas.
CROW: And wash my car, too!
> What was then done, I know not, and dare not
>guess; that same day seven volunteers, heroic exiles from the
>reward of so many centuries of toil, voluntary maroons on the
>discarded planet,
MIKE (Bugs Bunny): What a maroon!
> the Heirs of Atlas, turned their faces from
>the High House, and severally sought distant mountains, there
>each to guard his share of the Secrets of the Holy Race,
CROW: The Indianapolis Fi--
MIKE: I DID that joke already.
CROW: Oh, sorry.
> and in
>due time to discover and train up fit children of other races of
>the earth so that one day another people might be founded to
>undertake another such task as that now ended.
>Hardly had the pinnacle of Atlas melted into the sea behind
>them, than the 'catastrophe' occurred.
TOM (Durante): What a catastrophy!
> The High House and the
>column beneath it, with all the inhabitants of Atlas, shot from
>the earth with the vehemence of a million lightnings, bound for
>that green blaze of glory that scintillated in the West above
>the sunset.
CROW: Lompoc.
TOM (Rocketship XM guy): We're on our way!!
>Instantly the Earth, its god departed, gave itself up to anguish.
MIKE: Ya gonna cry now, baby? 1, 2, 3--CRY!
>The sea rushed unto the void of the column and in a thousand
>earthquakes Atlas, 'houses' and plains together were overwhelmed
>forever in the ocean. Tidal waves rolled round the world;
TOM: But my basement remained dry as a bone!
>everywhere great floods carried away villages and towns;
>earthquakes rocked and tempests roared; tumult was triumphant.
>For years after the catastrophe the dying tremors of the Event
>still shook mankind with fear. And the eternal waves of the
>great mother rolled over Atlas, save where Earth in her agony
>thrust up gaunt pinnacles, bare masts of wreckage to mark the
>vanished continent.
CROW: And souvenir stands just down the road from the main hotel.
> Save for its heirs, of whose successors it
>is my highest honour to be the youngest and the least worthy,
MIKE: That goes without saying...
>oblivion fell, like one last night in which the sun should be
>forever extinct, upon the land of Atlas and its people.
TOM: Bummer, man.
>Shall such high purpose fail of emulation, such achievement and
>example not excite us to like striving?
ALL: No.
> Then let earth fall
>indeed from her high place in heaven, and mankind be outcast
>forever from the sun!
MIKE: And now, a paid political message:
> Men of Earth! Seek out the heirs of Atlas;
>let them order you into a phalanx, let them build you into a
>pyramid, that may pierce that appointed which awaits you,
TOM: Let them have your credit card numbers!
> to
>establish a new dynasty of Atlanteans to be the mainstay and
>mainspring of the Earth,
CROW: SOMEbody's mainspring is would a LITTLE too tightly...
> the pioneers of their own path to
>heaven, and to our lord and Father, the Sun! And he put his
>hand upon his thigh,
ALL: Sayyyyyyyy!
> and swore it.
>By the ineffable, Tla, and by the holy Zro, did he swear it,
>and entered into the body of the new Atla that is alive upon the
>earth.
TOM: Yeah, whatever you say, Gramps. Let's get outta here, guys...
(They rise and leave)
1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6.....{CLUNK}
[SOL]
(Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy are at the desk. Mike is back to normal.)
MIKE: Well! That was a rough one! But at least I'm back to normal!
GYPSY: Yeah!
CROW: I STILL kinda thought--
TOM: Shut up, Crow. Mike, aren't you the least bit ANGRY about what Dr.
Forrester did to you?
MIKE: Well...no...not really...
GYPSY: Wow!
TOM: You mean you resolved to rise above his evil nature and be a better
person?
MIKE (chuckles): Hah! No way! I just mean that I already got even! For the
last half hour, I've been flooding Deep 13 with my OWN odorless, colorless
transformation gas...one that will turn Dr. Forrester into--
(Deep 13 light flashes)
--well (chuckles) I'll let you see for yourself! (taps button)
[DEEP 13]
(Dr. F has been transformed into Crow [costume similar to the one used in
episode 518--beak over mouth and ping pong balls in eyes].)
DR. F (Crow's voice): I wanna decide who lives and who dies!
[SOL]
(All are horrified, except Crow)
GYPSY: Oh, my lord!
TOM: Mike, what have you done?!
MIKE: I think you're right! I had no idea how terrifying the result would
be!
CROW: Actually, I--
MIKE, TOM & GYPSY: SHUT UP, CROW!
[DEEP 13]
(Dr. F. is closing a valve. He finishes, then tears the ping pong balls
out of his eyes. Storms over to the camera and looks into it.)
DR. F (through Crow beak, but normal voice, seething with anger): I'll get
you for this, Nelson! Somehow....some way....(suddenly Crow's voice
returns, singing) Soooome day my prince will coooome!!! (Dr. F. looks
horrified and clutches his throat. Then he looks at the camera.) D'oh!!
(He lunges for the button.)
WOOSH!
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*
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----------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, trademarks and situations,
are (C) Copyright 1995 Best Brains, Inc. This document is intended for
amusement and entertainment purposes only and no infringement of any
copyright held by Best Brains Inc. or any of its employees past or
present, Comedy Central or any of its employees past or present and/or the
artist formerly known as Joel Hodgson is intended or should be in any way
inferred. This document may not be sold but it is free to be distributed
provided this disclaimer remains in tact in its entirety.
No offense was meant if any loony toon Atlantis nutball reads this and
gets pissed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>The best results of this work was a race of translucent jelly-folk of great
>intellectual development
Sampo
=======================================================
I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has
given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom, culminating
in my current Zarathustrian sense of self. Is that it?
=======================================================
The End.
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