Original work by: Paul Trummel.
Short by: Barbra Funkhouser.
MiSTed by: Joseph Nebus.
Created on: Tuesday, 27 May 1997.
Added on: Wednesday, 06 August 2008.
| Rating | Evaluations |
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Rated 6.40 with standard deviation 3.26 on 5
evaluations.
Subject: MSTed: Contra Cabal; Manos review Part 0/4
[ Love theme for the freshman class by tuttt@rpi.edu]
In the not too distant future,
Just north of Albany,
There is a little school,
On the lookout for you and me.
It's Renss'laer Poly-technic Ins-ti-tute,
Run by one Pipes in a pin-stripe suit.
He did a good job cleaning out the place,
Then he took the student's money and he shot it into space.
(where'd.... it..... go...!?!?)
"We'll give them cheesy courses,
The WORST we can find (la-la-la),
We'll make them have to take them all,
And we'll monitor their minds (la-la-la)."
Now keep in mind we can't control,
Where computers are free or when (la-la-la),
Because Pipes used those special funds,
To make his Tute-screw friends.
(WWWZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!)
(core-course roll-call...)
Chem-Mat (what the...)
LITEC (time consumer...)
Eng. Thermo (gimme candy!!!!!)
COOOOOOOLLLD! (that's one "O"!)
If you wonder how we eat and live,
and other finance facts (la-la-la),
Just repeat to yourself "I'm just Tute-screwed,
I should really just relax...
for Rensselaer Polytechnic Two Thousand!"
(twang-g-g-g)
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ INT SOL. TOM, MIKE, and CROW are watching a planet on the Hex Field
View Screen. Several beats pass. ]
MIKE: [ Turning, suddenly noticing audience ] Oh, hi everyone. I'm
Mike Nelson, this the Satellite of Love. We're orbiting above
an unknown planet right now, but we have tuned in to their local
version of NASA TV and we're just watching video footage of their
latest space launch.
TOM: That's right, Mike. Even though we've spent years trapped in
orbit of various planets, it's emotionally incredibly powerful to
just sit and watch the view from some other spaceship's payload
bay.
CROW: The quiet, eternal, unflinching romance that is space. Even as we
sit here...
MIKE: In orbit about that planet.
CROW: There's a small group of astronauts in another spaceship...
MIKE: In orbit about that same planet.
CROW: And we can see the wonderful images of our fellow star travellers'
voyage of exploration.
TOM: Perhaps the only true irony of life is that such infinite
beauty exists, yet we mortal beings can appreciate it only
rarely, and so fleetingly.
MIKE: Yeah.
VOICE: You are watching Space Broadcast Television orbital views from
the twenty-second orbit of the Orion VI-A mission, completed
successfully two years ago. In thirty minutes Space Broadcast
Television will begin transmission of the thirty-minute history
file and mission highlights of this flight.
TOM: What?
CROW: This is a *rerun*?
MIKE: Aw, man, what a gyp.
TOM: Yeah, turn it off.
[ HFVS closes ]
CROW: Let's watch the Prevue Channel or something.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[ BREAK ]
[ INT SOL. MIKE, CROW, TOM are listening to peculiar "whale-song"
noises, as in opening of Star Trek IV. Several sections of it
pass. ]
MIKE: What do you make of it?
CROW: [ Looking into the pad-with-lights thing ] It appears to be
Chris Elliot, Captain. From an intelligence unknown to us.
TOM: It is not, you doofus.
CROW: Yeah, but that's fun to say.
TOM: Hm..."It appears to be Chris Elliot, Captain. From an
intelligence unknown to us." You're right.
MIKE: Guys, come on, what is it?
TOM: Aw, it's just Mrs. Forrester, with Bobo and the Brain Observer
guy.
MIKE: Ah. Should've known. Yes, Mrs. Forrester?
[ INT VAN OF EVIL. PEARL is in front; OBSERVER and DR. BOBO in back seat.]
BOBO: [ After OBSERVER punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.
PEARL: Hi, boys. Been a slow week here. You?
OBSERVER: [ After BOBO punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.
[ INT SOL. ]
MIKE: Well, Tom and Crow developed a variable-step fourth-order
Runge-Kutta numerical integration engine so we could better predict
the results of orbital perturb--
[ INT VAN. ]
BOBO: [ After OBSERVER punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.
PEARL: That's nice. Like I said, slow week here. Have you heard of
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute?
OBSERVER: [ After BOBO punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.
PEARL: It's this engineering school that was just outside Albany, New
York. Anyway. Got a pair of rants about some secret cabal
operating out of there or whatever.
BOBO: [ After OBSERVER punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.
PEARL: Oh, and just to spread the pain around, do you remember this
movie my idiot son sent you, "Manos: The Hands Of Fate?"
[ INT SOL. ]
TOM, CROW: [ Start screaming. ]
MIKE: Uh...no.
[ INT VAN. ]
OBSERVER: [ After BOBO punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.
PEARL: Oh. Well, we've got this short little review of that nightmare.
Enjoy, fear, dread, whatever. Bye-bye.
BOBO: [ After OBSERVER punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.
[ INT SOL. ]
TOM, CROW: [ Still screaming. ]
MIKE: C'mon, guys, would you relax...
[ MOVIE SIGN ]
MIKE: Okay, now we can panic. AAAAAAUGH!
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
>"MADE IN EL PASO" MOVIE
TOM: 'Cause when you think movies, you think "Texas."
>OPENS IN CAPRI
MIKE: They opened in a fruit drink?
>--By Barbra Funkhouser, El Paso Times
CROW: [ As Don Pardo ] Live and direct from the House of
Funk, it's Barbra!
MIKE, TOM: YAAAAY!
>"Manos,
CROW, TOM: AAAUGH!
> the Hands of Fate,"
MIKE: C'mon, it's only a movie.
> a movie produced in El Paso with an
>El Paso cast and by El Paso residents,
TOM: Caused everyone in El Paso to be so embarassed they changed the
name of the town to "Guelph, Ontario."
> opened Tuesday night in the
>Capri Theatre.
CROW: Well, in the bathroom of the Capri theater. It was all they
could get.
> Because of these aspects, it is interesting.
TOM: Mmmm...no it's not.
>Otherwise, this film, described as a horror-thriller-shocking-
>beyond-belief
MIKE: Ooh, a five-adjective pileup.
> could have been, with some changes, a comedy. The
>audience,
TOM: The poor souls.
> rather than being gripped with tension, ultimately laughed.
>This is a cruel reward for
MIKE: Wile E. Coyote, but he earned it.
> those who have made this film and who
TOM: Must be stopped before they film again.
>sat in the audience for the premire showing.
MIKE: They'd have gotten a warmer reaction if they'd asked before
sitting in people's laps.
> They worked hard on this
>movie
CROW: We worked harder to sit through it.
> and at moments, it was truly professional.
TOM: It was?
CROW: Well, it did have reasonably professional-looking credits.
TOM: All right, I'll grant the credits.
> They are sincere in
>their hopes for a new
CROW: Weapon for mass destruction.
> industry for El Paso and they have recieved
>professional encouragement.
MIKE: Uh, guys, Nichelle Nichols didn't *really* autograph that
photo that Star Trek sent you.
>As to the plot,
TOM: We chewed a limb off to escape the bear trap before we could
start to understand the plot.
> the film's producers have asked that it not be
>discussed
CROW: Without explicit permission from one's psychologist.
> at any length but briefly.. it involves a vacationing young
>couple and their child who take a wrong turn and
TOM: Walk right into a chain link fence, trapping their noses.
> rather than arriving
>at some lodge, ended up in this world of horror ruled by the master.
MIKE: Rupert Murdoch?
>Perhaps the most surprising aspect of the production is that
CROW: The images did not cause the film to explode while in
production.
> Hal
>Warren, who wrote, directed and produced and starred in the movie,
MIKE: Ah, a graduate of the Ed Wood Film School.
TOM: No, Mike...Ed Wood is like Tim Burton compared to this.
MIKE: No way.
CROW: Mike. Trust us.
>wrote for himself the worst part in the movie.
TOM: Now *that*'s an insult.
>Warren's lines are unbelieveably hollow,
CROW: As opposed to someone else's lines?
> and in his role,
>creates early doubt as to the plot
MIKE: To destabilize the Federal Reserve.
> by taking his wife and young child
CROW: He would've taken his 83-year-old child, but she had a
much better agent.
>into a broken down house in the boon-docks
MIKE: The boondocks of western Texas. Think about how pathetic that
must be.
> guarded by a crippled,
>obviously demented old man,
TOM: Aw, Roone Arledge isn't *that* badly off.
> to spend the night.
>To turn the tables,
MIKE: With your host, Wink Martindale.
> there is one truly great performance in this
>production
TOM, CROW: What?
> and it is by the late John Reynolds.
MIKE: Inventor of "Wrap."
> Reynolds played the
>role of this crippled old man, the weird keeper,
CROW: I think he's talking about Torgo.
TOM: I get that impression too.
> and he was
>excellent.
TOM: Oh, sure, I can see where...WHAT?
> His performance in this film compares well with
CROW: Previous creepy guys with big knees in films.
> any
>professional actor in any serious role in any movie.
TOM: Except for those that have been released in the real world.
> It is a fine
>role,
MIKE: More of a mediocre muffin, actually.
> played most convincingly.
>Diane Rystad,
TOM: Isn't she the person playing Lily Tomlin on "Murphy Brown" now?
> who played the wife, was less convincing,
CROW: Barbra's hoping for a Pulitzer Prize in tact, I think.
> while
>little Jackie Neyman, as their small daughter,
TOM: Jackie was actually 45 years old at the time they made the
movie.
CROW: Oh, well then they did a very good makeup job on her.
TOM: Him, actually.
CROW: Wow!
> was exceptionally
>good. Tom Neyman, as the horror master, was satisfactory
MIKE: But the Cryptkeeper has better special effects.
> in looking
>and acting the part.
>The comic relief written into this movie script was apparently
TOM: Lost in a tragic train wreck before filming.
> to
>be provided by the young couple caught smooching
MIKE: Can you imagine being arrested on a count of first-degree
smooching?
TOM: Think of how it'd look on the newspaper's "Police Blotter"
column.
> in the boon-docks by
>the deputy sheriffs.
MIKE: They were originally going to put the boondocks at the edge of
town, but the city planners found the sheriffs were a better
location.
> It was this because after Sam Jenkins
CROW: Oh, the man who discovered Cake and Steak!
MIKE: No, that was Sam Perkins.
> ran the
>couple off once, the audience
TOM: Stormed the projection booth and demanded justice.
> whistled and clapped ala cowboy
>shoot-em-ups, in the repeat incidents.
CROW: Oooh, a repeat smoocher, eh?
>One of the unusual scenes in the film is
TOM: *One*?
> the master's harem of
>women scantilly attired in
CROW: Their dirty things.
MIKE: Crow...
TOM: He's not kidding, Mike.
> underclothing and filmy negligees
>wrestling
MIKE: Ah.
> in the sand between the mesquite bushes.
MIKE: Mesquite wrestling?
CROW: It's much tastier than charcoal wrestling.
> It was a dandy
>fight.
TOM: Ali was leading in the first round, but the scantily-dressed
women made a comeback in the later portions. It was tight all the
way, still.
>All characters suffered at times from the lack of
CROW: Well, the lack of everything.
> synchronization
>of lip movements with the sound which was dubbed in after the movie
>was completed.
TOM: You have to suspect they did lose the script and everyone involved
just kind of guessed at what they were doing, really.
>While the musical soundtrack is excellent,
CROW: Almost as good as the theme music to '60 Minutes,' in fact.
> done by Robert Smith
>and Russ Huddleston,
MIKE: Remember those names. They'll be on the quiz.
> it does not always make up for the lack of sound
>effects at certain times during the action.
CROW: Nor for the lack of action at certain times during the sound.
> When a man is hit over
>the head and falls to the floor, the audience has come to expect a
>"thud."
MIKE: Oh, hey guys, Barbra dropped off and now Walt Kelly is writing
this essay!
TOM: Cool!
CROW: All right!
>The photography, and it is in color, was satisfactory when
TOM: We hid in the popcorn machine for forty minutes until the movie
people found us and dragged us back in.
> there
>was proper lighting which was most of the times.
CROW: I'm sorry, I don't think you can give partial credit for
'lighting.'
MIKE: Aw, I was hoping for it.
> The opening scenes
>take on Scentc Drive and showing El Paso are excellent,
TOM: Using the loosest possible definition of the word 'excellent.'
> otherwise the
>film was shot
TOM, CROW: We wish!
> in the Lower Valley where lush fields meet the mesa.
MIKE: And the movers meet the shakers, the gooses meet the ganders,
and the Smurfs fans meet the Snorks fans!
CROW: Their collision released particles whose tracks indicate the
existence of the much-theorized 'u' quark.
TOM: Aw, it's just another one of those topographical pick-up
joints.
>For the first movie of a new company, it has merit.
CROW: Mmmm...no, it doesn't.
> The
>producers have announced that
TOM: They're all marrying each other.
> negotiations are under way to produce
>four more
TOM, CROW: AAAAAAAUGH!
MIKE: Relax, guys. The 'negotiations' probably meant that they still
knew someone who didn't throw them out of their office, but
wouldn't give them any money or a camera.
> so this lends authenticity to their endevaors.
CROW: In much the same way the National Transportation and Safety
Board lends 'authenticity' to an aviation disaster.
> With
>technical refinements,
TOM: Would a tripod actually count as a 'technical refinement'?
> a tighter plot
CROW: Like the airtight story of the "Galactica 1980" premier.
> and consistent strength in
>dialogue,
TOM: Written by a See-N-Say this time, perhaps.
> they can succeed.
CROW: But probably won't.
[ Screen blanks momentarily. ]
>Contra Cabal 6(1):
>Introducing Nemesis:
MIKE: The fourth movie in the 'Colossus: The Forbin Project' series.
>The Resurgence of
TOM: Unsightly pimples.
>Contra Cabal
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Racketeering and Discrimination
CROW: Segregated tennis clubs?
>at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
MIKE: Motto: 'We don't know how to spell our name either.'
>
>Five decades ago I began
CROW: Eating the biggest chocolate fudge sundae you've ever seen!
> a career in journalism and publishing as a Fleet
>Streeter(1)
TOM: Fleet Streeter. Feet Sleeter. Feed Seeter. Meat Sleeder. Fleet Meetser.
MIKE: Stop.
TOM: Sleet Freeter.
> contemporary of George Orwell.
CROW: Or, as we called him, "Mommy."
> He had reached the pinnacle of
>his journalistic career and
MIKE: Was about to begin his career as a Queens grocery store owner.
> I had just started mine so I never had the
>privilege of meeting him. Unfortunately, he died in
MIKE: The exact same way Chuckles the Clown died.
> 1950 at the age of
>forty-seven.
TOM: Making this information completely irrelevant to whatever point I'm
trying to make. Sorry about that.
> In my opinion,
MIKE: Interleague baseball games really are evil.
> no literary figure of the twentieth century has
>had such a visible and cleansing influence
CROW: I didn't know Mr. Clean wrote novels.
MIKE: It's just a side business.
> and astuteness of mind as
TOM: R.L. Stine.
>Orwell.(2) However, Orwell
MIKE: Or, as I called him when we didn't meet, 'Dilbertha.'
> for all his wisdom, could not foresee
CROW: Peanut butter *and* jelly in one easy-to-spread jar!
> the
>technological advances that now exist forty-six years after his death.
>Neither could he
MIKE: Tie his own tie.
> prophesy the despotic behavior of
TOM: Angelica Pickles, on "Rugrats."
MIKE: She is an adorable little fascist, though, isn't she?
> those who now try to
>control the media.
CROW: 'Cause when you think Peter Jennings, you think 'Them Canadian
Tyrants.'
> Today, the threat to intellectual liberty comes from
>academicians, the apologists
CROW: Oh, I'm sorry.
TOM: I'm so sorry.
MIKE: Pardon, pardon me...
> of totalitarianism.
MIKE: I remember when I took freshman calc the TA was always going
on about how Stalin wasn't really completely evil.
> The attack upon
>intellectual liberty comes from
TOM: Devilbunnies. They're everywhere, I tell you.
CROW: Fudd.
> university administrators and technocrats.
MIKE: The Technocrats were the arch-enemines of the Insecticons,
weren't they?
>Both groups negatively influence the survival of academic freedom.
>
>I have initiated many technological changes and suffered many negative
>influences from inept and despotic university officials.
TOM: Inept I can believe, but despotic?
MIKE: Maybe if it was Rutgers University instead...
> I write now as a
MIKE: Secret agent. Yeah, that's it, I'm a secret agent!
>journalist, a communications specialist,
CROW: Aw, that just means he can use a fax machine.
> and an academician. Fortunately,
TOM: I'm now well enough that they let me hold scissors again.
>after many months of investigation and deliberation, the American Civil
>Liberties Union of Washington Legal Committee has
CROW: Laughed in my face.
> now authorized a lawsuit
>in my behalf against the
MIKE: New York Mets. I don't know why, but they said that's the best
they could do.
> University of Washington. Seven other organizations
TOM: And my mom.
>at the international level have shown an interest in filing amici curiae.(3)
TOM: Isn't that a spice?
MIKE: Yeah, you need it for really good French toast.
>My case against Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute for
CROW: The performance of last year's hockey team.
> academic racketeering
>and discrimination now receives the attention of the Civil Rights Bureau,
>Department of Law, State of New York.
CROW: Nation of the United States.
TOM: Planet of Earth.
MIKE: Galaxy of the Milky Way.
CROW: Universe of the...uh...
TOM: Party of the first part.
MIKE: Let's get out of here.
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ INT SOL. MIKE is talking to TOM as CROW enters; CROW carries a drawing
pad. ]
TOM: So what I wanted to know...
CROW: Hey, Mike, would you look at my new comic strip?
MIKE: Oh, sure, thanks, Crow.
[ MIKE takes the pad and looks at several pages as CROW talks. ]
CROW: I call it "Mister Chuckletrousers and Dave." It's kind of a
slice-of-life comic strip about the life and times of clay-mation
action figures.
MIKE: [ Putting the pages down ] Well, it's pretty funny. Thank you.
[ CROW looks at the pages. ]
TOM: As I was *saying*, Mike, how could Barbra Funkhouser have said
such pretty nice things about a movie that was an exploration in
sheer awfulness in thousands of directions at once?
MIKE: Well, something you have to keep in mind is that El Paso was a pretty
small city, at least compared to, say, Los Angeles or New York.
TOM: How's that?
MIKE: Okay, take Los Angeles. It's a huge city, so there's more anonymity.
The movie reviewers don't know everybody, and it's easier to be
blunt to people you don't know.
TOM: Whereas El Paso...
MIKE: Was much smaller, so people who can speak to the whole community
have to be more courteous. They have to, well, take the edge off
their comments.
[ CROW looks up ]
TOM: Ah. So if you're in a small community, you have to say nasty
things in a nicer way.
MIKE: Exactly!
CROW: And just how much *edge* were you taking off when you said my
comic strip was funny?
MIKE: I--I wasn't. I was being honest.
CROW: Or you're just pretending to be honest.
MIKE: No, I really thought--
CROW: You thought, you thought. Without the "edge" you hated my strip,
didn't you?
MIKE: I liked it!
CROW: You're going down, Nelson!
[ CROW leaps on MIKE; the two wrestle and slide down. Commercial sign
flashes. ]
TOM: Well. Looks like we'll be right back.
[ BREAK ]
[ ALL Re-enter theater ]
>
MIKE: I really did like it.
CROW: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
>The Rensselaer Cabal
MIKE: The Tough Nerds.
>
>
>Eleven, probably more,
TOM: But maybe less.
> Rensselaer administrators and professors support
CROW: The latest version of NetTrek.
> an
>exclusive totalitarian cabal
MIKE: I'm sorry, I just can't picture my Physics 121 professor in a
darkened room, making threats like he was James Bond's archenemy. I
mean, the guy wore *tweed*.
> with an ideology that discriminates against
>selected faculty members and students.
CROW: Specifically, the ones who snore out loud.
> Virtually unpublished, the cabal
MIKE: Sits around refining their 'Star Trek' manuscripts.
>members indulge in academic fraud
TOM: Send each person on this list five citations each and send out
the email--within a month you'll have over fifty thousand citations
of your work!
> and use illegal, unethical, and immoral
>practices to cover up racketeering.
CROW: Also they don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Yuck!
> They arbitrarily deny academic freedom
>and insist upon an absolutist dogma
TOM: Aw, my neighbor's karma ran over my dogma.
> through political correctness. Then, in
>actions characterized by dishonesty and incompetence, they set up kangaroo
ALL: Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!
>courts(4) that violate established legal procedures
TOM: Like computation of international postage deficit payments.
> and deny due process.
>
>Today, absolute power allows
MIKE: The construction of fabulous new strip malls in what had been
worthless wetlands.
> university officials to hold a total political
>and technological grip upon freedom of expression.
TOM: For example, the expression 'shpritz' is no longer allowed.
> They control the flow of
>information absolutely.
MIKE: They control the horizontal. They control the vertical.
> Moreover, both public ignorance and academic apathy
>perpetuate this totalitarianism. Fortunately, technocrats
TOM: Are easily distracted by rumors that William Shatner will be
coming to campus.
> can neither gain
>absolute control of the content of the electronic media, nor empower
>themselves as absolute censors, because
CROW: They have an urgent tournament of "Magic: The Card Game" to get to.
> of the global nature of the media.
>However, they temporarily impose their ideology through the supine attitudes
TOM: Can they *say* that?
>of academicians who consistently allow the expropriation of their rights by
>administrators and
TOM: Their pet guinea pigs.
> technocrats. Fortunately, judges in several recent law
>suits have
CROW: Felt freer about being naked.
> held individual faculty members equally responsible with
>institutions for various forms of malfeasance. Subsequently, they awarded
>substantial damages
MIKE: Namely, they went out into the parking lot and vandalized all
their cars.
> against those individuals who discriminated against, and
>denied due process to, other faculty members and students.
>
>Nemesis, a reporter with many years experience, has thoroughly investigated
>and collected documents to profile each cabal member.
TOM: How come nobody ever profiles me?
MIKE: It's just because your head's a sphere, Tom.
> He will write, from
>the documentation gathered during the past eleven years, about malfeasance
>and fraud by each member of the Rensselaer Cabal.
ALL: [ Singing ] DUN DUN DUNNNN!
> These documents span many
>years and illustrate
TOM: An awesome macaroni and cheese casserole.
> a pattern of academic fraud and personal traits
>contrary to the interests of Rensselaer. These articles will also show how
TOM: To mambo!
>the cabal has deliberately prevented Nemesis
MIKE: [ As Smokey The Bear ] Remember, only you can prevent Nemesis.
> from teaching for eleven years
>and, therefore,
CROW: He's had the time to finish his cream cheese sculpture of astronaut
Charles "Pete" Conrad.
> deprived him of his livelihood.
MIKE: Unable to discuss the fascinating world of the Riemann-Zeta problem,
he has taken to collecting every episode of "Garfield and Friends" on
videotape.
> Contra Cabal will soon
>appear on the Internet and in a variety of printed journals.
TOM: Does graffiti on "Archie" comic books really count, though?
> Printed
>publication has already begun with
MIKE: Me learning how to write.
> an article in National Council for
>Teachers of English (NCTE)
TOM: I heard their acronym was originally going to be "SEPTA," but they
couldn't fit it on their softball team uniforms.
> newsletters. The Rensselaer Cabal has
>consistently tried to suppress this information through censorship,
TOM: Yeah, that's a way to supress information.
> prior
>restraint,
MIKE: That works too.
> and denial of due process.
CROW: That'll get it too.
MIKE: He *must* be oppressed. He knows all the ways to do it!
> However, institutions do not hold
>enough power completely to censor electronic communication as this
>resurgence of Contra Cabal shows.
>
>Contra Cabal, published occasionally, comprises a series of satiric,
CROW: Oh, pootertoots, 'satiric' means it's not funny but we have to
pretend it is.
>expository essays that create public awareness. Generally, it informs people
>whom the evil Rensselaer Cabal would
CROW: Put in the nine a.m. section.
> otherwise victimize. Nemesis, formerly
MIKE: A satisfying if unspectacular Asimov novel.
>an associate professor,
CROW: He's been sued for professing his associates in three states.
> administrator, and non-traditional PhD student,
TOM: Aw, that means he's been in grad school for twenty years.
MIKE: And he still lives in an undergraduate dorm.
> also
>an internationally accredited journalist,
CROW: For "Grit."
> well knows the practices that he
>describes in Contra Cabal.
TOM: [ Singing "Karma Chameleon" ] Contra Contra Contra Contra Contra
Cabaaaa-aaaaal!
MIKE: Don't do that.
> To prevent his publication of expose,
MIKE: The official newsletter of the American Photography Society.
> university
>officials have made frivolous claims of rules infraction to deny him
>computer access. They have also expropriated
CROW: Exfoliated?
TOM: Extemporated?
MIKE: Exasperated.
> all of his journalistic and
>academic databases to censor content. The cabal members have abrogated
>journalistic rights
TOM: But it's just *not* a journalistic right to lock the Board of Trustees
in your basement and make them watch Chris Farley movies.
> guaranteed by the constitution
CROW: And pure Keebler goodness.
> and consistently tried to
>suppress information.
MIKE: I'm getting this picture of a whack-a-mole game played with "Popular
Science" magazines.
> Moreover, they have practiced prior restraint without
TOM: Warming up properly first, and so got a cramp.
>due process before and after expulsion from the university by a kangaroo
>court.
MIKE: They wanted to have a Tasmanian marsupial wolf court, but they never
got any answers to their calls for volunteers.
> However, Nemesis has painstakingly rebuilt all of the address lists.
TOM: We can rebuild it. Stronger...faster...better...
MIKE: The Six Million Dollar Spam.
>He has also restored the entire academic and journalistic databases
>expropriated by
TOM: The elves who live in my watch.
> the University of Washington in collusion with
MIKE: A 1982 Mercury Grand Marquis, resulting in fender damage on both
vehicles.
> the
>Rensselaer Cabal.
>
> You don't think that
TOM: I'm gaining weight?
> this can happen to you?
>Ignore the perfidious actions of
CROW: Our online thesaurus.
> the Rensselaer Dean of Faculty, Gary Judd,
>and his equivocating Department Chair, Merrill D. Whitburn.
TOM: The Dean of Fudge.
> Then it could
>happen to you.
CROW: But only if Santa finds you've been a good little cabalist.
> It has happened to many people whose skeletons, real or
CROW: Expurgated.
>imagined, these despots have rattled.
MIKE: Because the greatest extortion comes over imagined stuff.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Endnotes
TOM: We can only hope.
>
>1. Fleet Streeter. A journalist named after a street in London
CROW: Specifically, Hoosic Street.
> devoted
>largely to national newspapers,
TOM: How does a street get that devoted, anyway?
> periodicals, and the journalistic press.
MIKE: The 'journalistic press' was outlawed by the Football Rules Committe
in 1927, though.
>
>A
>Fleet Street journalist.
>
>2. George Orwell and George Rovere (ed),
CROW: They're cops. They're Georges. They're George Cops--check local
listings.
> The Orwell Reader:
TOM: A bummed out kind of guy.
> Fiction, Essays,
>and Reportage,
MIKE: Acts of reportage were committed against the town's Little League
field. Suspects are being questioned.
> (New York, NY: Harcourt Brace & Company, 1984), ix.
TOM: Ooh, it's that 'play an Intellivision Game over the phone' thing
Channel 11 did back in the early 80's. I *loved* those!
CROW: Ix Ix!... Ix Ix Ix!... Ix!... Ix Ix Ix!
>
>3. Amici curiae describes
TOM: Dutch modernist painters, tonight on the History Channel.
> parties not involved in a particular litigation
MIKE: But with a heart of gold.
>that the court allows to advise on
TOM: How Scooby and Shaggy always found the bad guys.
> matters of law directly affecting the
>litigation.
CROW: So does taping a Twins game actually require the express prior
written consent of the Comissioner of Baseball?
>
>4. Kangaroo court means a court characterized by
TOM: What Sylvester thinks is a really big mouse.
> dishonesty or incompetence
>and set up in violation of established legal procedure.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Nemesis
>
>Contra Cabal contains
MIKE: Collectibe caps collated, colored and consumed.
CROW: Cool.
> the personal experiences and opinions of Nemesis, a
>former associate professor of communication and rhetoric.
MIKE: He needed an advanced degree to write this?
> He previously
>attended Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
CROW: But then he got a good look at the place.
> and the University of Washington
>as a doctoral student. Nemesis has held international press credentials
>since
TOM: Mugging Walter Lippmann.
> 1959. Since 1947, he has worked as a
MIKE: McDonald's Associate French Fry Technician.
> journalist, editor, technical
>communicator,
TOM: Aw, that just means he knows how to program his VCR.
> also as a university professor and administrator.
CROW: And dining hall worker.
> He holds a
>terminal degree equivalency,
MIKE: It's tragically uncurable. He has no more than two years left.
> a US graduate degree, and two international
>fellowships from
TOM: StarFleet Academy. He got the certificates from the Official Star Trek
Fan Club and everything!
> the communication industry. He conforms with the ethics and
>customs of the journalism profession, most of them tested in law in both
>England and the United States.
TOM: 'Cause all the other countries stink!
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Administrative Note
>
>Officials at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (RPI) and the University of
>Washington (UW) have colluded
TOM: In a nasty four-care pileup just outside Cleveland.
> in the removal of Nemesis's university
>computer access at both institutions.
MIKE: And we at the Satellite of Love wish to salue officials at
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institue and the University of Washington.
> True to totalitarian practice, they
CROW: Totalitated on the rug.
>have impounded Contra Cabal incoming email,
TOM: [ As Radar O'Reilly ] Incoming email! Incoming email!
> databases, and address lists.
MIKE: "My parents moved and won't tell me where."
>This blatant abrogation of constitutional rights to freedom of speech
TOM: Is way too dull to explain why we're upset about it.
>travesties academic and journalistic freedom. Furthermore, both UW and RPI
MIKE: Cannot be scrambled to produce an actual word.
TOM: WURPI?
CROW: PIRWU?
TOM: IP WUR?
MIKE: W PUIR?
TOM: Wow, you're right, Mike.
>have not responded to requests for
CROW: A *real* bagel in an easy-to-access form.
> due process and have maintained a
>political silence.
MIKE: Maybe I shouldn't have called them up at 2 a.m.
>
>Consequently,
CROW: Shmonsequently.
> those subscribers who have requested archives or alias
>suppression since February 1, 1995,
MIKE: Are apparently quite patient.
> should resubmit their requests using the
>new alias
CROW: "The Dark Knight Watchman."
> <trummel@nwlink.com>.
>
>***Referred readers who want their own subscription to Contra Cabal
TOM: Just might be spending too much time thinking about this.
> may send
>an email message (no text) to <trummel@nwlink.com> with the subject line
MIKE: Help! Help! I'm easily occupied!
>[cc-subscribe].
>
>***Those readers who have received duplicate copies should send an email
>message (no text)
TOM: To nobody, saying nothing. Sorry we bothered you with it.
> with the subject line [cc-duplicate]. This will cause
>suppression
MIKE: I thought the whole point of this was suppression was bad?
> of all occurrences except one.
TOM: Unfortunately, the one occurance is the giant pimple on your nose.
>
>
>***Those readers who wish to unsubscribe
CROW: Are in the vast majority.
> should send an email message (no
>text) with the subject line [cc-suppress].
>
>***Readers may obtain an email copy of the complete apologia Orwell,
CROW: Sorry, Orwell.
TOM: Sorry, George.
MIKE: Sorry, all.
> Ethics,
>and the Academe by sending an email message (no text) to
TOM: Someone who's actually interested.
><trummel@nwlink.com> with the subject line [cc-orwell].
>
>The prior restraint of Contra Cabal has widespread significance that
CROW: Somehow we ran out of space to talk about.
> will
>receive full coverage in future issues.
CROW: Oh.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Copyright 1996 by Paul Trummel.
TOM: If you or any of your loved ones see this man, do *not* confront him.
Simply walk briskly away and you should avoid injury.
>
>First Published 22 Nov 96/06:21.
CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand...
[ ALL get up and leave the theater. ]
[ BREAK ]
[ INT SOL. GYPSY is sitting in front of a typewriter; MIKE, TOM and
CROW enter. ]
MIKE: Oh, hiya, Gypsy.
TOM: Hello there.
CROW: Hi. What're you up to?
GYPSY: Hrmph.
MIKE: C'mon, what is it?
GYPSY: If you *must* know, I am writing an email to tell the entire
universe about you and this exclusive little cabal you've set up
for yourselves.
CROW: What cabal?
TOM: [ Quietly, to MIKE ] But she's using a typewriter.
MIKE: [ Quietly, to TOM ] Hush.
GYPSY: Every time we get one of these experiments, the bunch of you go
off into the theater, never thinking that maybe someone else has
something to contribute.
MIKE: Oh. I'm sorry, Gypsy. I just thought if you wanted to join us in
the theater you'd say so.
CROW: Yeah. Do you want to go in there with us?
GYPSY: Well...no.
TOM: Uh, is there anything else we do that you want to do?
GYPSY: No.
CROW: How are we a cabal, then?
GYPSY: I guess you're right. Aw, heck, I love you guys.
MIKE: We love you too, Gyp--
CROW: Not so fast! Could we talk for a moment about the *real* cabal here?
MIKE: Which one's that?
CROW: You three. You went off, prancing about as pure energy or
whatever on the edge of the universe for five centuries, leaving me
all by myself here. How cabalistic can you get?
TOM: But you were there too.
MIKE: Yeah. You got bored and came back here because you wanted to.
CROW: [ After considering. ] Okay, I see your point. I love you--
MIKE: Now, for a real cabal--how about you three? You and your little
robot clique, with your little secrets, your exclusive bunching.
There. There's a cabal.
TOM: You want to be a robot, Mike?
GYPSY: Could we do that?
CROW: I'm sure we could think of something.
MIKE: No, I--I like being a human. Don't want to give it up.
TOM: So...we're not keeping you from doing anything you want.
MIKE: You're right. Guys, I love--
TOM: HOLD it. Hold on. Gypsy, you have this cabal of "people who go
into the theater" against you. Crow, you have this cabal of "people
who spent five centuries at the edge of the universe" against you.
Mike, you have this cabal of "robots" against you. What do I have?
MIKE: Um...
TOM: Exactly! You have this exclusive little cabal of people who have
cabals against you, and I can't participate!
GYPSY: Well, but then that's the cabal against you, Tom.
CROW: Yeah. Just like the rest of us.
TOM: Oh. Oh! Hey, yeah, that's true.
[ MIKE reaches his hands out for a group hug. ]
TOM: Aw, this is terrific, guys. I love--
[ MOVIE SIGN starts flashing ]
TOM: USENET SIGN! AAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
>Contra Cabal 6(2):
>Whitrack the Weasel
CROW: Saves Christmas.
>Survives the Censoring of Contra Cabal
TOM: But can't save the hat.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Academic Cabalism
MIKE: That's where members of the tribe take the people working on their
senior theses and eat them, right?
>
>A preponderance of universities have introduced
CROW: Thousands of students to the dirty pictures on the Internet.
> an undemocratic, commercial
>economy that supports
MIKE: Without constraining.
> technocratic, group preferences.
TOM: Those darned undemocratic group preferences.
> This involves an
>emotional cabalism that causes disbelief in the existence of objective
>truth.
TOM: I think he means the cabalists were trying to make him believe
'First Contact' wasn't a daringly awful movie.
MIKE: Those cabalists are insane, then.
> It also calls for an ideology where all the facts fit
CROW: In a snug outfit for the 'big and tall' man.
> the notions put
>forward by an infallible group or cult leader.(1)
MIKE: Not Rick Berman?
> Consequently, Der
>Zeitgeist(2)
TOM: Will be performing in Albany's Knickerbocker Arena this Friday and
Saturday, then moving to the Schenactedy Concert Hall for a two-week
engagement. Get your tickets now.
> in the humanities and social sciences now supports a pejorative
>form of academic national centrism (as with ethnocentrism and
TOM: Arguments about whether to roll the toothpaste tube up or just
squeeze it in the middle.
> national
>socialism) or "cabalism."
ALL: DUN DUN DUNNNN!
> It has become so widespread that it affects every
>aspect of teaching and thinking in almost every academic pursuit.(3)
CROW: I just have this picture of professors and grad students with
giant butterfly nets, hoping to net a data point.
MIKE: That's not far off.
>
>Fascism, Communism, and Nazism,
TOM: The 20th Century's Greatest Bummers.
> exemplify national centrism. However,
>cabalism avoids the extremes of
MIKE: Great taste and being less filling
> right and left by adopting an apolitical,
>cultic ideology comprising a merit-less series of exclusionist group
>preferences and special interests.
TOM: Like turnip farmers.
> For the present purpose then, the terms
>"cabalism" and "cabalist" respectively describe academic national centrism
>and its adherents.
CROW: Krazy Glue?
> Academic cabals exist as cults, or cloning mechanisms,
TOM: Attack Of The Tenure Snatchers!
>that resemble religious groups that have no theology.
CROW: So...they resemble *bad* religious groups.
> Moreover, they develop
>an exclusionist cultural bias determined by preferred group interests
>through coercive persuasion and power brokerage.
>
MIKE: Yeah, I remember my Freshman Comp TA was just drunken with the
trappings of power.
>
>Essentially, Cabalism serves the social function of encouraging
TOM: Cabals.
> cohesion and
>solidarity among group members.
MIKE: See here my chart of evil softball games they have conducted.
> It contributes to attitudes of superiority,
>intolerance, also contempt for
CROW: "The Wizard Of Id."
MIKE: But that's a good thing, Crow.
> groups with different customs and lifestyles.
MIKE: When The Parti Quebecois Moved On Campus.
>
>Cabalism permeates the academic life in ways that probably exceed anything
>experienced previously by intellectuals.
CROW: Even the sequel to "Dumb and Dumber."
> Consequently, it does not conform
>to anything that a democratically-minded public could comprehend.(4)
MIKE: It just has sour cream on it! It is *not* 'Supreme'!
> Today,
>this threat to intellectual liberty comes from academicians, the apologists
>of totalitarianism.
CROW: Aw, they just saw Darth Vader's side of things is all.
> The attack upon intellectual liberty comes from
>university administrators and technocrats.
MIKE: This is just a rant about Microsoft and Paramount cracking down
on Trek fan web pages, isn't it?
> Both groups negatively influence
>the survival of academic freedom through the practice of cabalism.
TOM: So they'll just have to stay late until they get cabalism down
*right*!
>
>Neo-Collegiality
>
>Handpicked and cloned cabalists,
CROW: We're being invaded by pea plants?
> generally coerce faculty members and
>students mutually to identify with a single ideology.
TOM: Tiny Toons or Animaniacs? Choose now!
MIKE: Have to be Tiny Toons. Minerva is just so annoying.
CROW: But Animaniacs does have Slappy Squirrel on their side.
MIKE: Ooh, right, I forgot about her...
> Consequently, they
>have formed units that place them beyond good or evil.
CROW: They are placed in Western Kentucky University.
> This
>"neo-collegiality" or politically correct dogma differs from the
>traditional collegiality
TOM: In that it doesn't make me any easy money.
> that consisted of academic pride, honesty,
>trust, and responsibility:
MIKE: Like we saw in the documentary film "Animal House."
> positive academic attributes that insured
>the accumulation of knowledge and the search for truth that have now
>largely disappeared.
>
>Instead, a disorganized and unethical scramble for power and material gain,
>prevails.
MIKE: But the football team's just in a rebuilding year is all.
> Collegiality once meant devotion to a particular way of life with
>no wish to force it upon others.
CROW: Now it's about deciphering the lyrics to all the songs of "The
Banana Splits."
> However, neo-collegiality consists of an
>absolute desire for power.
TOM: Unfortunately, they sought this power from the liberal arts
departments.
> Accordingly, academic cabalists try to secure
>more power and prestige.
MIKE: Just like everyone else in the world.
> They do not necessarily always want power for
>themselves, but for the
CROW: Respect they inaccurately belive the cleaning people will then
show them.
> group into which they have sunk their own
>individuality. They think solely about
TOM: Those pesky rules against faculty/student dating.
> competitive prestige and posture
>either positively or negatively.
MIKE: I don't know about you guys, but I've never met anyone who
wanted to 'posture negatively.'
CROW: I'm not sure you can do that.
> Then, they randomly praise or humiliate
>outsiders to achieve their chaotic objectives of victory or defeat.
TOM: And then in *eighth* grade it gets worse.
>
>Corruption of aesthetic judgment occurs
MIKE: When you look back and realize that Thundarr the Barbarian was
a really bad Star Wars ripoff.
> in much the same way that political
>judgment(5) becomes corrupted by nihilism.
CROW: If he talks about voting for Ralph Nader, I'm leaving.
> Academic cabalists reject all
>distinctions in moral or religious value
TOM: In favor of reviewing the episodes of "Road Rovers."
> and willingly reject all previous
>theories of morality in favor of group preference. They believe that the
>destruction of existing academic and political structures will
TOM: Ensure their unemployment.
> help to
>obtain absolute control for their own particular group.
CROW: They don't believe in power, so they want power?
>
>Political Correctness and Coercive Persuasion
TOM: Ah, now we find the point of all this.
MIKE: It's not "political correctness" to have handicapped parking spaces
in the good spots, I'm sorry.
>
>Cabalists do not think, talk, or write
CROW: So they're pretty easy to ignore, actually.
> about anything except the superiority
>of their own power group and their group inclinations.
TOM: Instead, they ought to be writing about *ME*!
> Their topics have
>become so imbued with political correctness and prestige that they defy
>rational thinking.
MIKE: Rational thinking keeps writing them tickets.
CROW: They keep throwing them away, but it'll catch up with them.
> They involve themselves in atrocious behavior and
>academic fraud. Furthermore, they retain a remarkable ability to
CROW: Spit over three feet.
> ignore and
>cover up the illegal actions of other members of their group. The proponents
>of this ideology
TOM: Come complete with their special Fun Time Wardobe Kits.
> can survive ignorance because their devoted followers do
>not expect the rational appraisal of facts that results from critical
>thinking. Instead, they rely upon
TOM: MSNBC's "Imus In The Morning" simulcast.
> the stimulation of group affinity and
>avoid the vexation of thought. They have no neutral areas in their minds and
CROW: No storage space in their hall closets.
>no other interests except the struggle for group power and
>self-aggrandizement.(6)
>
>With cabalism the sense of right and wrong, good and evil,
CROW: Day and night.
MIKE: Light and dark
TOM: Coke and Pepsi.
CROW: Conan and Letterman.
TOM: 86 and 99.
MIKE: Velma and Daphne.
> disappears. The
>cabalists condone absolutely any crime that
TOM: Would be cool to hear about on TV.
> suits their purpose and have no
>compunction in involving themselves in
CROW: Games of Monopoly not played strictly by the official published rules.
> criminal cover-ups. They can even
>admit, in an intellectual sense, that their actions go beyond the bounds of
>morality and legality but they still allow the ideology to rule them. Their
>political silence insures that
TOM: They don't have much to do with anything.
> loyalty to the cause transcends criminal
>activity and due process of law. In the cabal, power corrupts and the
CROW: Lack of power causes their yogurt to grow moldy.
>
>absolute power of its leaders corrupts absolutely.(7)
>
>The Rensselaer(8) Cabal
>
>Academic hogwash(9)
TOM: Is that how they clean up an agricultural college?
> shows no bounds when individuals come under the
>influence of group coercion. Only politically correct intellectuals could
MIKE: Make this fine hand-crafted vase.
>believe some historical revisions that abound. For example, Orwell reported
>that revisionism caused people to think that
TOM: There is a detectable difference between Adam Sandler movies.
> "during the second world war
>American troops arrived in Europe not to fight Germans but to crush an
>English revolution"
CROW: And only 280 years after the fact.
> also "the Holocaust never existed."(10) Fortunately,
>Hitler disappeared as do most despots,
MIKE: You can make even the most stubborn despots come out with new
Geopolitical Strength Tide Ultra Clean.
> however, only at the expense of
>strengthening all sorts of petty fuhrers like Rensselaer's Judd(11) and
>Whitburn.(12)(13)
TOM: Well, okay, they're not so much petty fuhrers as they are an a
capella band, but the principle applies, doesn't it?
>
>Nemesis has lived through eleven years of dysfunctional loyalty and
MIKE: Three years of The Golf Channel.
> criminal
>behavior by Rensselaer Cabalists: ironically sanguine behavior that requires
>loyalty to the group and
CROW: The purchase of at least three CDs at regular prices.
> transcends any common decency. Rensselaer
>Cabalists, like the animals in Orwell's farm led by a dysfunctional pig,
MIKE: Will be appearing on next week's "Geraldo."
>show many similar traits. However, they differ because
TOM: They're not dysfunctional pigs. Duh.
> they have an
>equivocating weasel and a
MIKE: Spellsinging human, set out with Clothahump the wizard, to save the
world from the perils of the Perambulator.
> perfidious antisemitic Semite(14) as their
>leaders. History has ceased to exist for the Rensselaer Cabalists because
TOM: There was this time-warp thing caused by the vicious Q.
>their power hunger leads them in pursuit of subjective truth. They believe
>that truth emanates from Whitburn's weasel words(15) and his unending stream
>of
TOM: Toothpaste.
> mumbo jumbo.(16) Consequently, they pose a powerful challenge to the
CROW: Superfriends, but justice shall prevail!
>impersonal forces of rationalism.
>
>Like Dostoyevsky's cynical underground man,(17)
MIKE: We just read the Cliff Notes too.
> the Rensselaer cabalists
>rail against rational thinking and alienate themselves from their
TOM: Season ticket holders.
>surroundings and colleagues while they fulminate against cultures organized
>by rational means. They accept that two and two make five when
TOM: Should we?
CROW: I don't know...
MIKE: Let's. Life is short.
CROW: Okay then.
TOM: All right! Ready?
ALL: You're on a Pentium!
TOM, CROW: Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaah.
MIKE: Wokka wokka!
> the Weasel
>says so.(18) Nemesis remembers when a whole PhD class met privately to
>discuss the hour of baffling rhetoric that they had suffered from the
CROW: Software License Agreement on SimCity 2000.
>Weasel. He had given garbled instructions for a midterm examination that
>nobody could possibly understand.
TOM: Oh, great, it's that mumbling guy from Saturday Night Live.
> The students reached a consensus: "we will
>throw mud at the wall and see how much sticks." They
MIKE: Failed their exam and were forced by campus maintenance to clean
off the wall. They wondered what the heck they were thinking.
> later threw their mud
>and passed the examination with 'A' grades. They scammed the scammer despite
>the academic fraud and lack of ethics implied by their action. However,
TOM: The action caused them to transform into armadillos.
> one
>should not expect an ethical stance by students when they have corrupt
>professors.
>
>To any rational person,
TOM: There is no actual need for both "The Lockhorns" and "Andy Capp."
> let alone a rational intellectual, the Weasel's
>convoluted reasoning and intransigence certainly
CROW: Strengthens up a weak soup.
> likens that of the
>underground man. His moral turpitude
TOM: Isn't that what you use to remove paint?
MIKE: Only corrupt paint.
> precludes any of the values normally
>expected of a department chair in a prestigious university. The Rensselaer
>experience shows that absolute loyalty to any group
MIKE: Is not worth what The Official Star Trek Club charges for it.
> has a devastating effect
>upon the individual view of reality that
TOM: Happens whenever you look at a TV set that's across the room and
bite down really hard.
> intellectuals need to embody in
>their work. Consequently, cabalism, with its group loyalty,
CROW: Makes it possible to get an easy A in a course.
> endangers the
>creative impulse and results in falsification and eventual loss of inventive
>faculties.(19)
MIKE: Victims turn to drugs...street gangs...writing fanfics.
>
>Rensselaer/LL&C Cabalists control their graduate students by
CROW: The insruments of pleasure...and torture...
> criteria that
>insure failure for those students unwilling to accept a sycophantic cloning
>process. This policy insures very few new PhDs enter the job market
ALL: [ Snicker ]
> to
>threaten insecure and incompetent faculty members. Whitburn has devised a
>program that requires four courses,
ALL: NO!
CROW: Courses?
TOM: In a degree program?
MIKE: FOUR WHOLE COURSES?
> each taught and controlled by a tenured
CROW: Tenured faculty teaching classes?
TOM: STOP THE MADNESS!
>
>Cabalist. These mainly unpublished individuals then go on to present totally
>unprepared orations to classes.
MIKE: Before class, of course, they hide out underneath their desk
playing with sock puppets; and during office hours, they made
undergraduates test innovative new square dance techniques on
the Architecture students.
> The content has virtually no bearing on the
>course descriptions.
TOM: Well, the course was described as "Advanced Stuff," I guess there's
some flexibility in the syllabus.
> Some Cabalists attend classes drunk and
CROW: Students place bets on how long it will take the instructor to
fall down.
> others promote
>discussion on anything
TOM: NO! Not discussion! In *class*?
> and everything to avoid preparation. Several do not
>show up for class at all.
MIKE: Not that any student has ever complained about this.
> Grading exists as a frivolous, inconsistent,
>subjective, and malicious process.
TOM: But remember, it is grad school we're talking about here, not
anything that matters.
> A graduate student from another college
>with some legal training tape recorded Whitburn's course summation. He had
CROW: Just completed his taping when he was arrested under the laws
regarding undercover surveillance.
>become incensed after paying tuition (1995-96: $1,620 for this three credit
>course) then listening to sixteen weeks of
MIKE: Blonde jokes.
> inane mumbo jumbo. He felt that
MIKE: He was a natural blonde and would know if the jokes were true.
>he had a potential course of legal action because of the fraudulent
>description of the course, the manipulation of grades,
CROW: The time the professor made him wash his cat.
> and subsequent
>forgery to cover up those activities.
MIKE: We're headed towards a Hillary Clinton rant, aren't we?
> Nemesis attended the session when the
>student made the recording and later
TOM: Gave the student a 'swirlie' and stole all his lunch money.
> obtained a copy of the tape and
>transcribed it verbatim.
MIKE: Is it live...or is it Nemesis?
CROW: And who cares?
> (Readers may obtain a copy of this transcript by
TOM: Bowing down before me, foolish mortal.
>sending an email message to <trummel@nwlink.com> with the subject line
>[cc-archive.whitburn]).
CROW: And if you don't, we'll sprinkle needles on your bed.
MIKE: Time for a break?
TOM: Yeah.
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ INT SOL. CROW is dressed in academic cap and gown, in front of the table;
notes are on the table, behind him. TOM, MIKE, and GYPSY are sitting,
listening. ]
CROW: ...and welcome to the first class here at Satellite University.
We will be developing our course by discussions and frequent essays
on the reading material, which we are of course drawing from
Shakespeare, Johnson, Marlowe, Jones, Avery,
[ MIKE raises his hand ]
CROW: and of course Ward...uhm...yes?
MIKE: Will this be on the exam?
CROW: The course of material I'm outlining will; but not this
specifically.
TOM: Uhm...
CROW: Yes?
TOM: Is attendance mandatory?
CROW: I don't expect to have to require it. You are strongly
self-motivated people or you'd not be here; hence, I expect you
have enough personal discipline to bring something out of each
class you do attend.
TOM: Thanks.
[ TOM ducks out. ]
CROW: Hrm. Well. To continue: I sent word for everyone to read and
prepare essays on several pieces. Has everyone brought theirs?
GYPSY: I don't have arms.
MIKE: I forgot to print mine out, sorry.
CROW: All right. Well. Do you have any observations or questions to
put to the class?
GYPSY: Uhm...I have band practice. Sorry.
[ GYPSY slips out. ]
CROW: All right. Well.
[ Beat. ]
CROW: Do you have any comments about what you read?
MIKE: Nope.
[ Beat. ]
CROW: Any...questions, observations, anything?
MIKE: No.
[ Beat. ]
CROW: Is there anything you would like to discuss?
MIKE: Oh, no, nothing.
CROW: Well. Something to consider...
[ CROW turns around to look at his notes; MIKE sneaks out while CROW
is not looking. CROW turns back. ]
CROW: You might find... Hey! Now *that* is just disrespectful! I
am...speechless.
[ After a beat, TOM, MIKE, and GYPSY come back into scene and stand next
to CROW. ]
TOM: This has been a reminder. Academia can be a powerful force for
good; or it can be used for evil. Please make certain you know
the difference.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN signals. ]
MIKE: Thank you for watching our playlet. We'll be right back.
[ BREAK ]
[ ALL come back into the theater. ]
>
>Conclusion
TOM: Deep down, I'm really a badger.
>
>When one understands the nature of thought,
MIKE: One has spent over seven hours staring at the lava lamp and will
need professional eye care.
TOM: That a pain you know, Mike?
CROW: Well, I sure as heck do.
> then one understands the nature
>of reality as a whole.
CROW: Man, it's like...this *placemat*, only it's different, 'cause
all the bread crumbs on it belong someplace, and some aren't gonna
move out but others are gonna stay right there, get it, man?
> The rational mind manifests itself in the subjective
>consciousness and develops
MIKE: Hobbies and side activities, such as the Mountain Time Zone.
> from a materialistic and subjectivistic state to
>a state of universal and rational consciousness.
ALL: [ Chanting ] Oooohwaaaa tagoooooo seeeeiiiisssss...
> Irrational Cabalism
>reverses this procedure so that purely materialistic and subjectivistic
>outcomes become the goal.
TOM: I think he's coming out against buying the 'naming rights' to
sports facilities.
MIKE: Oh, well, then he's just won me back.
CROW: Yeah, me too. I've left strict orders for me to be killed if
I ever call Candlestick Park by that other name.
> The cabalistic impulse forces the individual to
>submerge the ego as a constant element of survival.
MIKE: Cabalistic impulse...from Calvin Klein.
> This causes a
>distillation of the primitive, irrational drives that menace a democratic
>society.(20) In the academe, cabalism occurs because
TOM: They got nothing better to do.
> both faculty members
>and students supinely accept the loss of individual freedom. Instead, they
>accept group ideologies
MIKE: I am Locutus of Academe. You will be put on Pass/No Credit.
> that bring absolute corruption ever near.(21)
>Nemesis, like Orwell, condemns psychotic cabalism, transformation of
>historical truth into ideological myth,
CROW: So if the quality of English majors produced by Rensselaer
Polytechnic Institute were to decline it would worsen our lives how,
exactly?
> and intellectual barbarism. However,
>Orwell found such irrationality liberating.
TOM: Would *somebody* please buy ol' Nemesis here a couple of
"Peanuts" books, please?
MIKE: Nah, you wouldn't want to hear what this guy would make out of
the kite-eating tree.
> For example, he praised the
>savage and hallucinatory qualities of
CROW: Holding your breath while driving above the speed limit.
> other authors. Subsequently, his
>creative energy manifested itself most powerfully in near-surrealistic
>expressions of disgust, terror, power hunger, sadism, and violence.(22)
>Nemesis has found a different type of liberation,
CROW: And now he encourages everyone to sleep with a teddy bear.
> one of transcendence over
>humiliation and harassment that uplifts and directs him toward
TOM: A bright light, just like a moth. Oh wait, that's not a light, it's
a bug zapper!
MIKE, CROW: BZZZZZZZT!
> a true
>vocation. Orwell's essays surely made his public aware, perhaps Nemesis will
>achieve a similar result with Contra Cabal.
MIKE: Mmm...what do you think, guys?
TOM: Well, he has a chance.
CROW: Yeah, I guess.
MIKE: Really?
TOM: Bear in mind that--since it would not violate any laws of physics--
there is a chance that you are really a giant, dancing pangolin and
we just *think* we see you as Mike Nelson.
MIKE: Ah, I understand.
>
>Letters to Nemesis
CROW: Dollars to Doughnuts.
MIKE: Captain to Engineering.
TOM: Ground Control to Major ME!
>
>Since the last issue of Contra Cabal some members of the Rensselaer
>community have
TOM: Hacked into my VISA records and had me billed for the Gadsen
Purchase. Not funny, guys!
> challenged Nemesis to reveal the names of individual members
>of the Rensselaer Cabal. Others have
CROW: Wanted an episode guide for "DangerMouse."
> complained that public disclosure of
>official wrongdoing injures
MIKE: Those who fail to warm up properly first.
TOM: Ooh! Spot me! Spot me!
CROW: You're right over there, where you always are.
TOM: Crow, I will have words with you later. That's all I'll say.
> innocent faculty members and students: that they
>become guilty by association. Unfortunately,
MIKE: We specialize in frontier justice in this town, and we can't be
too concerned about the innocent bystanders we don't mean to accuse
of anything.
> innocent people do have their
>reputations damaged by these occurrences.
CROW: Again, he's making the assumption that people are hanging on
every word here.
> However, many of them have only
>themselves to blame. They have allowed absolutist administrators
MIKE: Around Albuquerque, appreciably associating about an
apple arrangement.
CROW: What is with you today?
MIKE: I don't know, it just happened.
> to deny
>academic freedom and due process for many years. Now they will probably pay
>the price for their benign neglect.
TOM: Again, the giant, dancing pangolin comes to mind.
> The names of the members of the
>Rensselaer Cabal follow. In fairness, Nemesis informs readers that
MIKE: He cannot tell a cabbage from a lettuce.
>Professors Rubens and Zappen remain both intellectually and pedagogically
>above the incompetent, unpublished vermin that comprise the Cabal.
CROW: I bet Rubens and Zappen feel great after that outburst of praise.
> However,
>they have succumbed to the coercive persuasion and dysfunctional behavior of
>their colleagues and then acted in
MIKE: A production of "Me and My Girl."
> ways inconsistent with their usual
>integrity.
TOM: For instance, they went to the balcony and spit on my head as
I walked by.
> Consequently, they have earned the title "honorary ass" pending
>cabalistic retention, tenure, and promotion.
CROW: Well, hey, that's really great to hea--huh?
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The Rensselaer Cabal of Asses
TOM: Can he use that language here?
>"More intellectually challenged than intellectual".
>Department of Language, Literature, and Communication
MIKE: Motto, "We've heard the joke about how we can't get jobs. Find
a new one or we poke you in the tummy."
>School of Humanities and Social Sciences Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
CROW: 'Cause when you think top-rank engineering schools, you think,
"How do William Faulkner and Flannery O'Conner utilize the notion
of 'the old child,' anyway?"
>
>Compleat Asses
MIKE: Oh yeah, this is one of the "Canterbury Tales" you never get
to in high school.
>
>David L. Carson
> Associate Professor, Language, Literature, and Communication.*
MIKE: Nick Bottom, Tailor.
CROW: Francis, Talking Mule.
>Ellen J. Esrock
> Associate Professor, Language, Literature, and Communication
TOM: Midas, King of Phrygia.
MIKE: Ba Ba Looey, sidekick to Quick Draw McGraw.
CROW: Aw, man! All through this and we didn't make even one
"El Cabal" joke!
MIKE: Your loss, Crow.
>S. Michael Halloran
> Associate Dean, Humanities and Social Sciences.*
CROW: Mavra Chang, space pilot and sometimes goddess.
MIKE: She got better, though.
>Teresa M. Harrison
> Associate Professor, Language, Literature, and Communication.
TOM: Oooh, the ninth President of the United States.
>William C. Jennings
> Dean, Computing and Information Technology.
CROW: Hey! And he's the guy who sang the theme on "The Dukes Of
Hazard."
>Gary Judd
> Dean of the Faculty and Graduate School.
MIKE: Starring as Urkel.
>Robert Krull
> Associate Dean, Graduate Programs, Humanities and Social Sciences.
TOM: As astronaut Scott Carpenter.
>C. Lee Odell
> Director, Graduate Program, Language, Literature, and Communication.
CROW: As "Tank Girl."
>Thomas Phelan
> Dean, Humanities and Social Sciences.*
TOM: He has a booger on the end of his department.
>Merrill D. Whitburn
> Chair, Language, Literature, and Communication.
MIKE: Bet he mumbles on his answering machine messages.
>
>Honorary Asses
>
CROW: Would that be like what happened to Bugs Bunny when he was up in
the airplane with the Gremlin and the Gremlin tricked him into running
outside without a parachute or anything?
MIKE: I guess so, sure.
>Philip M. Rubens,
> Professor, Language, Literature, and Communication.
CROW: Also sandwiches.
>James P. Zappen
> Doctoral Program Director, Language, Literature, and Communication.
TOM: And his children, Dweezil, Ahmet, and Moon Unit Zappen.
>
>*Former Position.
CROW: Prone.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Endnotes
>
>1. Sonia B. Orwell, and Ian Angus, 39. Letter to H. J. Willmett. As I
>Please: 1943-1945, The Collected Essays, Journalism and
TOM: Omlette recipes.
> Letters of George
>Orwell 3, (London, England: Secker & Warburg (Penguin). 1970), 3:177-178.
>
>2. Zeitgeist.
CROW: [ Singing ] Don't bother me!
TOM, MIKE: Zeitgeist!
CROW: Don't bother me!
TOM, MIKE: Zeitgeist!
CROW: Don't bother me!
ALL: [ Fading out ] Gotta be back to...old...sunshine...
TOM: Well, that was depressing.
> The spirit, tastes, and outlook, characteristic of a
>generation. Prevailing academic world view.
CROW: I'm going to go out on a limb and guess "round" here.
>
>3. Sonia B. Orwell, and Ian Angus, 101. Notes on Nationalism: As I Please,
>The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell 3,
TOM: Yes, Orwell cloned himself three times over, providing the real-life
basis for the movie "Multiplicity."
> (London,
>England: Secker & Warburg (Penguin). 1970), 3:410-427.
>
>4. See note 3.
TOM: What if I don't want to?
>
>5. See note 3.
TOM: Can't make me! Can't make me!
>
>6. See note 3.
TOM: I'm not listening! La la la la la la la la la!
>
>7. Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great
>men are almost always bad man. Lord Acton (1834-1902),
CROW: You can claim that if you want, but I'm pretty sure it was
Bartlett's who said that one.
> Letter, 3 April 1887,
>to Bishop Mandell Creighton (published in
TOM: Silurian Park, an eerie tale of technology bringing long-extinct
sea corals back to life.
> The Life and Letters of Mandell
>Creighton, 1904).
>
>8. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Troy, New York, claims itself as a
>leader among engineering universities.
TOM: It achieved this status in a much-watched fooseball game against
M.I.T.
>
>9. Academic hogwash. Worthless, false, or ridiculous speech or writing
MIKE: A ball that easy we don't swing at, buddy.
>based upon political correctness, lack of scholarship, speech codes,
CROW: Oh yeah, remember all that talk about speech codes?
TOM: Right, yeah, it was in the part where he...uh...
> and
>cabalistic propaganda.
>
>10. See note 3.
MIKE: Look, note 3 does not contain *all* the answers to life.
>
>11. Gary Judd, Dean of the Faculty and Graduate School, Rensselaer
>Polytechnic Institute, Troy, New York.
TOM: He has an "outie" belly button and so must be executed.
>
>12. Merrill D. Whitburn, Chair, Department of Language, Literature, and
>Communication, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Troy, New York.
TOM: Merrill has an "innie" belly button and would be spared except
that we don't know if "Merrill" is a boy's or a girl's name.
>
>13. See note 1.
CROW: But he's thinking 3.
>
>14. Authentic Jews remain Jews
CROW: Aw, no...
MIKE: C'mon, Nemesis, pull yourself out of this tangent.
> by moral choice despite the martyrdom
>involved. Their ethics, however, serve no purpose
TOM: This was related to the subject *how*?
MIKE: It involved words.
> for them in hostile social
>and political environments. Inauthentic Jews flee
CROW: Before the might of Nemesis' powerful "Jew-O-Meter."
> Jewish reality and
>antisemites make them Jews despite themselves. They become Gentiles with a
>Jewish label.
TOM: If I went through this again I might understand it, but then...
MIKE: I know. We might actually understand what he was talking about.
> Antisemitic Semites
CROW: Are torn internally and spend all day sitting in a dark room,
giggling.
> stake everything on self-aggrandizement
>and create an unlivable life that derives
TOM: From the repeated combination of antithetical properties.
> pride from their humiliation. They
>relate to neither authentic nor inauthentic Jews because they
MIKE: Are produced by cloning from skin samples left on the side of a
container of a Dilbert toy.
> have no
>affinity and no purpose other than parasitic survival.
CROW: Like a certain raving newsletter we've heard about?
> Judd fits into this
>third category precisely.
TOM: But he looks better in the stuff we ordered from "Victoria's
Secret," so we're using that instead.
>
>15. weasel words.
CROW: Well, there's 'musteline.'
MIKE: Also 'Gramogale.'
TOM: Don't forget 'Lutreola.'
MIKE: And 'Putorius,' for that matter.
> Words of an equivocal nature used to
TOM: Make mice, squirrels and chickens very nervous.
> deprive a statement
>of their force or to evade a direct commitment. Weasels have a habit of
>sucking the contents out of an egg without breaking the shell.
CROW: Hey, do biologists believe this, or have they proved it yet
another endearing but wrong story, like raccoons washing food?
MIKE: Well...it's Sunday, right?
CROW: Yeah.
MIKE: Okay, I think they believe in it today.
> Substituting
>the charactonym
TOM: [ Leaning over ] Ooh! Ooh! My charactonym! Get the heating pad!
> "Whitrack the Weasel" (whitrack an old English term meaning
>white rat) for Merrill D. Whitburn
MIKE: Is pointless.
> characterizes his sneaky, treacherous,
>ferocious, and bloodthirsty attributes. This personally identifies him with
>the weasel.
CROW: Well, I'm getting to admire weasels more and more.
> In real life his rhetoric contains equivocating, prevaricating,
>ambiguous, and quibbling "weasel words"
TOM: From a department chair? *Never*!
> that take away the force or meaning
>from expression. His words "weasel" meaning from the words preceding them
>and, consequently, fail to support
CROW: His pants. The Alumni Club is *so* cross with him now.
> a conclusion. Just like a weasel,
>Whitrack (sorry, Whitburn)
MIKE: Well, that's an honest enough mistake, I guess.
> sucks all the meat out of the rhetorical egg and
>then leaves an empty shell.
>
>16. mumbo jumbo.
TOM: Do we really need *this* defined?
> Unintelligible or incomprehensible language intended to
>confuse and obscure
MIKE: Again, you're insulting us, tossing out something like that.
> cabalistic intent.
>
>17. Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Mirra Ginsberg (trans),
CROW: Team Captains of the 1974 Canadian Football League Champion
Montreal Allouettes team.
> Notes from Underground,
TOM: Where it's so dark we don't know quite what we read.
>(New York, NY: Bantam Books. 1974).
>
>18. Bertrand Russell, Power: A New Social Analysis, (New York, NY: W. W.
>Norton & Company,1939), 1:376.
CROW: Oh, great, that "Rainbow Hair Guy" snuck into the credits right
up there.
>
>19. Sonia B. Orwell and Ian Angus, 108. Writers and Leviathan. In Front of
>Your Nose: 1945-1950,
MIKE: Well, okay, by now 1945 through 1950 are off to the side of your
nose, we'll grant that.
> The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George
>Orwell 4, (New York, NY: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc. 1968), 4:412.
>
>20. Richard I. Smyer, Primal Dream and Primal Crime:
TOM: Subtitled, "Even My Mom Only Pretended To Read This Book."
> Orwell's Development
>as a Psychological Novelist, (Columbia, MI: University of Missouri Press.
>1979), 113.
>
>21. See note 1.
CROW: Make me.
MIKE: Careful. He might.
>
>22. Richard I. Smyer, Primal Dream and Primal Crime: Orwell's Development
>as a Psychological Novelist, (Columbia, MI: University of Missouri Press.
>1979), 135.
TOM: Is there any point to these endless cites of Orwell?
MIKE: I think he's trying to prove he's right by quoting stuff that's
only vaguely related to whatever it was he was talking about.
TOM: Did it work?
MIKE: If you gotta ask...
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Nemesis
TOM: He did say "conclusion" about a half hour back, didn't he?
MIKE: Who remembers?
>
>Contra Cabal contains the personal experiences and opinions of Nemesis, a
CROW: Hey, we saw this already. Do we have to sit through it again?
>former associate professor of communication and rhetoric. He previously
MIKE: Well, Vladimer Nabokov, the literature critic, would encourage us
to do that.
>attended Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and the University of Washington
TOM: Nabokov wasn't ever trapped on a spaceship five centuries in the
future being forced to watch bad movies and read bad writing by the
insane leader of a deceased ape civilization.
>as a doctoral student. Nemesis has held international press credentials
MIKE: Well, not that we know about, anyway.
>since 1959. Since 1947, he has worked as a journalist, an editor, a
CROW: And where do you get off citing Nabokov in any of this?
>technical communicator, also as a university professor and administrator. He
TOM: Yeah, you're trying to do the same thing this guy's doing with Orwell.
>holds a terminal degree equivalency, a US graduate degree, and two
MIKE: I am not! I just read an essay where he said in order to be a good
reader, you had to reread, over and over and over again.
>international fellowships from the communication industry. He conforms with
CROW: Was he really talking about 'Nemesis' in that, though?
>the code of conduct and ethics of the journalism profession, mainly tested
MIKE: Granted, no, he was talking more about Jane Austen or Charles
Dickens.
>by courts in both England and the United States. After many months of
TOM: Is there any way careful reading of this is going to improve your
life?
>investigation and deliberation, the American Civil Liberties Union of
MIKE: I don't know, I was just noting that something was kind of
relevant.
[ Some quiet ]
>Washington Legal Committee has now authorized a lawsuit in his behalf
>against the University of Washington. Seven other organizations have shown
CROW: You're turning into a nerd on us, aren't you, Mike?
>an interest in filing amici curiae. His case against Rensselaer Polytechnic
MIKE: No! I am not. I just read a book is all.
>Institute now receives the attention of the Civil Rights Bureau, Department
TOM: So the lesson of our little exchange here is...
>of Law, State of New York.
MIKE: Reading will bring you ridicule and make you socially
ostracized, I guess.
CROW: That's a good lesson for the kids.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Administrative Note
TOM: Pick up eggs, soda, administration.
>
>To subscribe, receive archives,
CROW: Bore yourself...
MIKE: Lose a little bit more of your preciously finite time alive...
> or unsubscribe, send a separate email
>message for each item to <trummel@nwlink.com> using the following commands.
TOM: Destruct sequence one, code one one A.
>Do not include text.
>
>To subscribe
MIKE: You must be legally insane.
> Subject: cc-subscribe
>
>To receive the apologia Orwell, Ethics, and the Academe:
TOM: Go out, get a hobby, and forget about it. You'll be glad you did.
> Subject: cc-orwell
>
>To receive the Whitburn Summation:
> Subject: cc-whitburn
>
>To receive Memento Mori cartoons as self-executing MS files:
TOM: You'll have to lower your standards.
> Subject: cc-memento
>
>To receive back issues:
> Subject: cc-all
>
>To suppress duplicate copies (this causes suppression of all alias
>occurrences except one):
CROW: Bring a really big mallet with you.
> Subject: cc-duplicate
>
>To unsubscribe:
> Subject: cc-suppress
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Copyright 1996 by Paul Trummel
CROW: Isn't he the guy who had the cooking show on PBS?
MIKE: No, that's Paul Prudhomme.
CROW: Oh. So who was I thinking of?
MIKE: Paul Trummel.
>
>First Published 12 Dec 96/15:04.
>Revised 24 Jan 97/10:04.
TOM: Yes, kids, it took two tries to get this up to spec. Remember that.
CROW: And we're outta here.
MIKE: Yay!
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ INT SOL. TOM, CROW at the desk with a gadget, a Spirograph with props
added to it to bulk it up. There are some plastic filters
on the table. MIKE, holding a letter, enters. ]
TOM: MIKE!
CROW: MIKE! Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike!
MIKE: Yeah? What's up?
TOM: Mike! We came up with a brilliant idea and we want you to help
us make money from it.
CROW: Yeah, we figure we could make as much as thirty dollars!
MIKE: Well, uh...what is it?
TOM: Michael, we were inspired by today's experiment; we studied
the available resources and identified a market segment in need
of an innovation easily based on a pre-existing product--
CROW: We took that fun kid's toy, the Spirograph, and added in
some Internet capacity to make it...The Conspirograph!
MIKE: Neat. How's it work?
TOM: Just put in a pattern filter and twirl the thing around. It randomly
mixes various key elements to come up with a brand new and completely
groundless conspiracy!
[ MIKE picks up the Conspirograph; puts a plastic filter in and plays
with it. ]
MIKE: [ Reading ] U.S. Congressional Republicans packed the 15-member
committee chosen to award 20 contested electoral votes from
the 1876 election with eight party loyalists in order to assure
Rutherford B. Hayes' victory over Samuel J. Tilden...
[ MIKE frowns. ]
TOM: There you go!
MIKE: But...
CROW: Try mine!
[ MIKE shrugs and puts in another filter and plays with it again. ]
MIKE: [ Reading ] At the height of the 60s space race, CIA agents
snuck into the facility in which the Soviets were keeping their
Luna 5 space probe, stole it, examined it, and then returned it
before the launch date...
TOM: Astonishing, isn't it?
MIKE: But these are--
CROW: Yeah, we figure with four or five of these cranking out
insane paranoid ravings we can replace nearly eight elevenths
of all Usenet!
MIKE: Uhm, right. Okay. Well, we have a letter here, can we put that
up on Still-Store, please, Cambot?
[ INSERT of a letter ]
MIKE: Okay. This one is from Alyssa Nebus of Marlboro, New Jersey.
CROW: Hi, Alyssa!
MIKE: I don't know how we got her letter, but, anyway. She says
"Hello; how are you?"
TOM: Ahem. We're fine.
MIKE: "How do you get stuff to eat?"
CROW: We just go to the kitchen.
MIKE: "And when the kitchen is empty, where do you go?"
TOM: Uh, then we go to the pantry.
MIKE: Pantry. Right. Glad we could help you, Alyssa. Well, Mrs. Forrester,
Bobo, Observer Brain Guy Being? You still there?
[ INT VAN. MRS. FORRESTER is driving, looking bored, resting her head on
her fist and her elbow on the door; BOBO and the OBSERVER are in the
back seat, waving their fingers in each others' face and saying
"Woowooooweewoooweewoooweee," et cetera. ]
PEARL: No, I've got something better to do. Well, boys, my top-notch
secret cabal here... [ She looks back and sneers ] and I will
have to get back to you. Until next week, then.
[ FADE OUT ]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and Copyright 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc., the El Paso Times, or Paul Trummel is intended or should
be inferred.
> When a man is hit over
>the head and falls to the floor, the audience has come to expect a
>"thud."
The End.
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