Original work by: Bookshire Draftwood.
Short by: Glen Finnian.
MiSTed by: John Berry.
Created on: Monday, 01 December 1997.
Added on: Wednesday, 06 August 2008.
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Rated 7.83 with standard deviation 1.07 on 6
evaluations.
[All enter and sit. The bots are back to normal size]
TOM: Good thing we have high metabolism.
>Sonic the Hedgehog: Orcium
TOM: New Sonic brand Orcium.
CROW: What the heck *is* Orcium, anyway?
MIKE: Um, sounds like a new brand of licorice.
TOM: No, I think it's some sort of cereal.
CROW: Maybe it's a facial cream.
TOM: Is it Sampo related?
>by Bookshire Draftwood
CROW: What?
MIKE: You've gone too far if you say your character wrote the story.
>
>Creative Consultant: Craig Fox
>
>based on a concept by Craig Fox
TOM: But not *by* Craig Fox.
>
>the author of this work
CROW: Has temporarily forgotten the use of a shift key.
> will accept questions and comments at the
>following addresses:
>bookshire@inficad.com bookshire@rat.org
MIKE: And bookshire@weasel.net.
>
>the creative consultant of this work will accept questions and comments at
>toddfox@primenet.com
TOM: Not at all related to the Todd from the Disney film.
CROW: Not at all.
MIKE: Wasn't that a book first?
TOM: Disney dominates. How else could they copyright Winnie the Pooh?
>
>this story is protected under Copyright law.
CROW: Oh, poop.
> The author grants his
>permission for free
CROW: Oh, goodie.
> unaltered distribution
CROW: Oh, poop.
> of this work through any
>electronic media.
TOM: What if I print it out and connect the paper to the car battery with
jumper cables?
MIKE: You *would* wonder that.
> Any other use, including the sale of this work for
>money are prohibited.
MIKE: Well, I'm gonna sell it for beans, so it won't be against the law.
>
>based on characters created by Service and Games (SEGA) Inc.
CROW: Who, sadly for them, Nintendo is beating the snot out of.
> and Archie
>Comic Publications, Inc.
MIKE: Sadly, I am forever tortured with their 70s theme song.
> Todd appears courtesy of Craig Fox.
TOM: I'm beginning to question that his last name is really 'Fox.'
>
>Story:
CROW: Of a lovely lady who was bringing up her very lovely girls.
>
>The sun shown brightly over the Great Forest.
TOM: Y'know, 'round midnight-ish.
> It was the start of
>early summer
MIKE: [Singing] No more homework! No more books! No more teachers' dirty
looks!
> and the temperature was only just beginning to pick up
TOM: UPN.
> during
>the days. On this particular day,
MIKE: The sun was shining brightly.
> Sally was meeting with Bookshire in his
>hut
CROW: Um...
> to discuss something he'd found in the RMCC.
TOM: Let's just pretend we know what that stands for and move on, shall we?
>"Actually, I can't tell what it is,"
MIKE: "What is an RMCC?"
> Bookshire said, as he read
>through the files "All I can figure out is that it's something
TOM: "That involves Kathy Lee Gifford. It's terrifying."
> Robotnik's
>involving over half of his resources in."
CROW: "Even the bakery. I think he's planning a surprise for us."
>"That could be bad," Sally was saying
MIKE: "But we can't prove it, so let's not get involved."
> "We'll have to get out there
>and see what's going on."
>"Good idea," Bookshire responded
TOM: "I was planning on letting Robotnik finish it then kill us. Thank
goodness for your royal intellect."
> "I'll relay any other information
>I get directly to you."
CROW: "Just don't cut the 5.25 disks to fit your 3.5 drive again, ya
computer illiterate moron."
>"Thanks, Book," Sally said.
>
>She left Bookshire to his work and crossed over
MIKE: So soon? Boy, this story was over quick.
> to the meeting
>hall where the others were ready and waiting.
TOM: As she walks down the aisle, it turns out they were really cardboard
cutouts.
>"Attention, everyone," Sally announced as she entered
CROW: [Random crowd member] Couldja hold on a minute? I'm on the twenty-
fifth level of Tetris.
> "Bookshire's
>uncovered parts
ALL: Eewww.
> of a plan that Robotnik's been working on. He's dedicated
>half of his resources to it,
MIKE: "As was mentioned in our prologue."
> so, needless to say,
CROW: "We'll all have to wear chicken suits."
> we'll need to get out
>there and find out what's going on.
MIKE: "As was also mentioned in the prologue."
> The team will consist of
CROW: "The Marx Brothers."
> Sonic,
>myself,
TOM: Who's that?
> Bunnie,
CROW: "Yes, the one with the unimaginative parents."
> Todd
TOM: "Who is currently in a law suit with Disney."
> and Rotor."
MIKE: Given his name, I bet he has a beanie on his head.
CROW: Hehe.
>Tails piped in.
TOM: Oh, PHEW! Man!
>"I wanna go to," he said.
CROW: To where?
>"Sorry, Tails," Sally said
TOM: "We can't risk your moronic intelligence ruining our careful plans
anymore. You understand."
> "This mission'll be deep
CROW: Hurting.
> into
>Robotropolis. It'd be too dangerous for you to come along."
MIKE: "We can't stop for a bathroom break every three minutes."
>"But, Sally..."
>"I'm sorry, Tails, but you can't go," Sally was firm.
TOM: Just look at those abs.
>Tails sat back and grumbled
MIKE: Some words we can't mention in a cartoon.
> for a second before getting up and
>leaving. Both Sally and Todd were tempted to go after him, but the
>mission had to come first.
CROW: But the lasting flavor of their gum was more important than that.
> One of them would talk with him when they got
>back.
MIKE: You do it.
CROW: You do it.
MIKE: You do it.
CROW: You.
MIKE: You!
CROW: You!
> After a little more planning,
TOM: [Sally] "Okay, how 'bout this; we go in and figure out what he's
doing."
> the team left for Robotropolis.
>
>Tails kicked the stones
MIKE: [Wincing] Ew.
> out of his path as he walked around near
>the edge of Knothole, grumbling angrily.
TOM: Oh, c'mon. It's a happy grumble. I can tell.
> Sonic was doing solo missions
>when he was ten, and now Tails, who was also ten, couldn't even go on a
>team mission.
CROW: Teens just displace anger on to the younger one of the family,
resulting in power lust. But they really care.
> As he continued to walk and to grumble,
MIKE: And to walk.
> he ended up walking
MIKE: And grumbling.
>a small ways away from the village.
TOM: That seems to happen when you walk away from it.
> Quite suddenly, he heard a noise to
>his left.
CROW: Oh, good. We have stage direction.
> Going to investigate, he accidently bumped into a slender,
>white furred female wolf who was probably in her mid twenties.
MIKE: He goes to investigate something, and he doesn't notice an adult
right to the left of him.
TOM: Not that I wouldn't mind bumping into that.
CROW: Depending on height differences, how low do you suppose he bumped into
her?
MIKE: Let's just drop the subject.
> Tails
>looked up in surprise.
>"Who're you?" he asked.
TOM: [Wolf] "I'm a little pixie!"
MIKE: [Tails] "Do you need medication?"
TOM: [Wolf] "Only fairy dust!"
MIKE: [Tails] "Sure. Uh-huh."
>"Perhaps I should ask that question of you first,"
CROW: "I being the bitch and all."
> the wolf
>smiled.
TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
MIKE: We're not reading a Ryan Huber story. Relax.
>"My name's Tails," Tails responded.
MIKE: In response as Tails responded to the question in which Tails
responded.
>"I'm Christina," the wolf said.
TOM: The first person in here with a decent name since Sally.
>"I've never seen you around here before," Tails said.
>"Oh, I'm just staying here temporarily," Christy said
CROW: "The aliens said they'd pick me up in ten minutes."
> "I'm with
>the wolf pack, in case you haven't guessed."
MIKE: Oh, really? I thought you were one of the Mighty Ducks.
>Tails blinked and then nodded. The wolf pack had representatives
>and guests in and out of Knothole all the time these days
TOM: Stealing all their TVs and jewelry in a way similar to a bucket
brigade.
> for assorted
>reasons, so it really wasn't unnatural for at least one to be around
>almost all the time.
CROW: Even this zit-faced one walking all around town asking everyone "Will
you be my friend?"
>"You look a little sad,"
MIKE: "Being that you're walking and grumbling."
> Christy said as she sat down on a nearby
>log "Want to talk about it?"
>"Yeah, I guess so," Tails said
TOM: "It all started when I was three. I was an abused child, and-"
CROW: [Christy snoring]
TOM: "I'm gonna go kill myself now."
> "I guess it's just that Sally
MIKE: "Is a putz. It's all her fault."
>thinks I'm too young to go on missions, and I'm not.
TOM: "Just look at my ID. I know the picture doesn't look *quite* like me,
but I really am 21."
> Sonic did solos at
>my age, and I can't even go on team missions.
MIKE: "Like the narrator told me a couple of paragraphs ago."
> It just makes me so mad
>sometimes, I want to scream."
CROW: [Pee-Wee] The word for today is "mad!"
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
>Christy nodded. That smile of her's never quite seemed to
>disappear.
TOM: Mike, you said this wasn't a Ryan story.
>"Why are you smiling," Tails demanded almost indignantly
CROW: "Go to hell, Christina!"
> "It's not
>funny."
>"No, it's not that," Chrsty said
MIKE: "It's just that little dribble of snot dripping out of your nose."
> "I'm just thinking, that maybe
>you need to relax.
CROW: Hakuna matata.
> You need something to make you feel better."
TOM: [Quickly] Butter.
>"Oh yeah," Tails said "Got anything particular in mind?"
>Christy shrugged.
MIKE: "Whatever."
>"Not really," she said "Although, if you're in the mood for some
>sweets, I've got some really delicious candy with me.
TOM: "Do ya like 'Nerds'?"
> You might like
>it."
>Tails thought about that for a moment.
CROW: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
>"Well," he hesitated "What is it?"
MIKE: An Everlasting Gomp-Stomper.
>The wolf reached into the
CROW: Hm?
> pouch she was carrying
CROW: Oh.
> and took some
>out.
TOM: Some what out? Part of the pouch? What?
> It was completely clear,
MIKE: Oh, it's Zima.
> and looked almost like rock candy to Tails.
>"It's called Orcium,"
CROW: We have a title, folks!
> Christy said "Tastes real good."
>"Looks like rock candy," Tails said.
MIKE: "I know cuz the narrator told me so."
>"Well, it is kinda," Christy responded
TOM: "Sorta... well, no."
> "Just that this tastes
>better and it lasts a lot longer.
CROW: Longer with Big Red.
> Want some?"
TOM: [Tails] "Hell, yeah!" {Gobble! Chomp! Snort! Munch! Snort!}
MIKE: [Christy] "Take it outta the box first."
>Tails considered this for a moment.
CROW: He does that a bit, doesn't he?
> One of the first things he
>own parents had taught him long before he was seperated from them was
MIKE: Never be separated from us.
> to
>not accept ANY
ALL: WAUGH!
> thing from anybody he didn't know. Still, this was a
>member of the wolf pack freedom fighters after all.
MIKE: Or so she says. Well, you've just met her. I'm sure she's trustworthy.
> What possible reason
>would she have for harming him.
TOM: Two words: Virgin sacrifice.
>Tails nodded and took the small piece that was offered to him and
>popped it in his mouth.
CROW: An amazing feat when it's two feet in diameter.
> The taste was almost like that of sugar, but
>there was an extra tang in it that he couldn't quite identify.
MIKE: Oh, it's probably just the numerous dyes, xanthar gum, diglycerides...
TOM: You've been reading the back of the Little Debbie's box again, haven't
you?
> He sucked
CROW: I wouldn't go that fa- well, maybe.
>on it awhile, and gradually worked it down to the
MIKE: Tootsie Roll center.
> point where he could
>swallow the rest completely
CROW: One foot and eleven inches in diameter.
> and looked over at Christy who was smiling
>even more.
TOM: "In me power!"
>"Thanks," he said "It's good."
>"Yep," Christy grinned
MIKE: I believe it's been established that she's smiling.
> "It sure is. I need to be going now,
TOM: "I hafta go give three-year-olds some ciggs. Ya want any before I go?"
>though. But if you ever want any more,
CROW: "Then screw you."
> I'll usually be around somewhere."
TOM: Wanna be more vague?
>"Could I have one more piece before you go?" Tails asked suddenly,
>not really sure why he wanted one...
MIKE: We just do!
ALL: Yeah!
> but they DID taste good.
>Christy thought a moment and grinned.
TOM: Oh, jeez!
CROW: I guess it *was* the planet and not just the author.
>"Alright," she said "One more. But, next time, see if you can
>bring something to trade with. That way, we both get something out of
>it."
>"Sure thing," Tails said as he took another piece.
MIKE: "Fooled her. I'm never getting anymore."
> He popped
>that one in his mouth too
TOM: Kid's heart must be going 90 miles per hour, now.
> and waved the Christy.
CROW: The Christy over there. That Christy. Do I have to be more specific?
> As she disappeared from
>sight,
MIKE: She turned into Batman.
> Tails headed back to Knothole.
>
>As he headed back to Knothole,
CROW: So is he heading away from Knothole?
MIKE: No, I believe he's heading back to Knothole.
> he began to feel better. Alot
TOM: Is two words.
>better, in fact. He seemed to pick up the scents in the air alot more
>than normally. And the color of everything was bright and clear.
MIKE: He's headed back to the late 60s.
>Everything was so perfect, he began to feel like he didn't have a care in
>the world.
TOM: Ahh, pure Sbliss.
> When he got back to his hut,
MIKE: He headed back to Knothole.
> he had a bit of fun,
CROW: He's at the age of 'exploring' himself.
MIKE: Really?
CROW: Um... no.
> trying to
>open the door
TOM: It's easy to entertain this kid.
> beause that sneaky door handle kept moving around, but he
>finally caught it and went inside.
CROW: It must be that door from the next to last level of Earthworm Jim 2.
>Once inside, he flopped down on his bed and looked up at the
>ceiling.
MIKE: "Who painted all those naked people up there?"
> The fibers in the roofing material were of particular importance
>to him for some reason and he spent an uncountable number of minutes just
>staring up, trying to count the grains in the fiber.
TOM: "1,138; 1,139..."
CROW: 10; 72; 34; 86.
TOM: "Oh, dammit."
> Once he had a
>number he was satisfied with, he burst out laughing, becasue it was such a
>funny sounding number to him that he just couldn't stop.
MIKE: How long *did* it take him for him to reach a google.
>In fact, he laughed so hard, the he rolled right off the bed and
>hit the floor.
CROW: [Hysterically] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- OUCH!!! - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
> He landed on his arm
CROW: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S BROKEN!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
> which hurt a small amount, so he got
>up and gave the floor a stern lecture about the amount of responsibility
>involved with being hardwood and that he'd punish it, if it ever hurt him
>again.
TOM: Do you think that Orcium had... Nah.
> He walked over to the window then and looked up at the sun.
MIKE: "Oh, poo. I'm blind."
> He
>said hello as did the sun,
TOM: So he's turned into the baby from Hi and Lois.
> and they went on to have a surprisingly
>interesting conversation about the ingredients in Antoine's perfume and
>how well it would go when mixed with any of a number of assorted fish and
>pasta dishes.
CROW: Just wait till the Orcium takes effect.
>Soon the sun began to get tired and began to slowly sink.
MIKE: [Sun] Save me! I can't sw- {glub glub glub}
> Tails
>waved good bye to it and returned to lay down on the bed. He looked back
>up at the ceiling
CROW: [Tails] "Now to count how many times I can count the strands..."
> and wondered why he never went on any of the missions.
MIKE: Maybe you're a pathetic loser, Tails!
>Probably, he concluded, beacuse the others were afraid that, if he went
>with them, he'd track down Robotnik, and kick him in the nuts good and
>hard,
TOM: Being that he always wears Spandex, I doubt that he'd have any left to
kick.
CROW: Kid's *really* gone now.
> thereby making the others look bad for not having thought of that
>before.
CROW: Sure, it'd kill him instantly.
MIKE: You have no idea.
> Still, he pondered,
TOM: I think so, Brain, but...
> Robotnik probably didn't have any anyway.
TOM: D'oh! Recoil.
MIKE: There, there.
>After a time,
MIKE: He headed back to Knothole.
> he got up again and paced around the room,
CROW: "When is she gonna have that baby?"
> pondering
>the universal question of
TOM: Why people like Urkel.
> what would happen when an unstoppable force
>decides to pull over to use the bathroom.
MIKE: Then, um, it wouldn't be unstoppable, cuz it, y'know, stopped.
TOM: Might as well not try to explain anything to him, while he's all doped
up.
> He gave up on that aftera few
>minutes and went back to lay down on the bed where he promptly passed out.
[Mike picks up Tom to leave]
CROW: He's dead. [Follows Mike out]
[Commercials]
The End.
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