Original work by: Bookshire Draftwood.
Short by: Glen Finnian.
MiSTed by: John Berry.
Created on: Monday, 01 December 1997.
Added on: Wednesday, 06 August 2008.
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Rated 7.83 with standard deviation 1.07 on 6
evaluations.
[Mike is a bit away from the front of the desk sitting down with his back
turned. Tom and Crow are behind the desk, Crow holding a keyboard]
CROW: Okay, Mike, you've probably noticed that we've only gone through one
segment of this fanfic, and already it's extremely repetitive,
redundant, repetitious, repeating itself, and saying the same thing
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
TOM: Yes. That is why we have prepared a little ditty in conjunction with
this little flaw.
MIKE: Yes, but, uh, we're kinda just text now. A song can't quite transcribe
too well.
TOM: Oh, just jump up my butt. Hit it, Crow!
[The music begins and Tom and Crow start to sing; you'll have to use your
imagination]
TOM: We have a theme so we thought that we'd sing a song.
We find it neat and hope you don't find it too long.
CROW: I believe the author was using a bong
Cuz the spelling sucks and the grammar's all wrong.
BOTS: Plus,
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
TOM: I would rather be sat on by big ol' George Wendt
Then reads this, which repeats more than the New Testament.
CROW: It's about as cheesy as you can get
When the author keeps on forget
-ing how often that
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
TOM: Let's face it; the plot's not all too great.
It makes me long for "Manos: The Hands of Fate."
Well, not really, it just really sucked.
CROW: I'd like to kick Bookshire right in the buck
Cuz
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
[`Bots continue singing]
MIKE: Guys?
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
MIKE: Excuse me?...
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
MIKE: You can stop now.
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
MIKE: Um...
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
[Pause]
MIKE: Oh, good. Well, it was okay except for that last part.
CROW: Oh, you mean when we kept repeating:
BOTS: This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive!
This story's really repetitive! [Continue]
MIKE: Dear God, my spleen!
[Alarms]
MIKE: And now we have fanfic sign! C'mon, guys!
[`Bots can still be heard singing as it gets fainter until door four]
[Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...SAFE...]
[All take their respective places]
MIKE: I wish you wouldn't get so carried away.
>
>When he finally came to, he sat up and shook his head a couple
>times.
MIKE: {Wubba wubba wubba.}
> He still felt really nice, but his head was a little clearer than
>it seemed to have been before.
CROW: Thank goodness for Claretin.
> He looked over at the clock on the wall
>and it read 8:00pm.
TOM: "Damn. Missed Freakazoid."
> Looking outside the window just then, he saw the
>group that went on the mission rturning
MIKE: Th villagrs ar out to gt him.
> and going their seperate ways.
>They'd be sorry they didn't take him with them.
CROW: He's not gonna ramble about a fat guy's balls again, is he?
> He was the most
>important freedom fighter they had after all.
TOM: Then why isn't the show named after him?
> He shrugged and figured it
MIKE: Out with Summer Sanders.
>was their loss.
>Sally came in then to see how he was doing.
>"Tails?" she said as she came into his room
CROW: "Why did you open all the cans of soup?"
> "Are you alright?"
MIKE: "And what are all these pink elephants doing in here?"
>"Oh, I'm feeling fine, Sally," he said "How was the mission."
[Tom does some incoherent mumbling every time Tails talks]
>"Well,"
CROW: Said Jack Benny.
> Sally said "Rather unsuccessful, but we'll give it another
>try tomarrow."
MIKE: I guess running the thing through at least a spell check if not a
proof reading is just too complicated for this guy.
>"Cool," Tails said.
TOM: "I'm gonna go out and fry some banana peels. Wanna come?"
>Sally almost expected him to ask if he could go again, and the
>fact that he didn't surprised her slightly.
MIKE: "Dear Lord! My heart!"
>"Is there anything you want to talk about?" she asked.
CROW: "Ceiling wax and kings?"
>"Nope," Tails smiled
TOM: A-hyuck! A-hyuck!
> "Not really."
>"Well then," sally
CROW: Is unimportant so we shall no longer bother to capitalize her name.
> said uncertainly "I'll be in a bit later to
>read to you then."
MIKE: "Like 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie'?"
>"Cool," Tails smiled.
TOM: This is the most plowed kid I've ever seen.
MIKE: You never went to my high school.
>
>As Sally left Tails' room,
MIKE: She headed back to Knothole.
> she got the unnerving feeling there was
>something wrong with him.
CROW: [Extreme sarcasm] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> If he had been her son,
TOM: Then her waist would've probably been more in proportion with her head.
> she might have called
>it maternal instict.
MIKE: Whatever the heck 'instict' is.
TOM: I think she just made up that word.
CROW: It's her choice what to call it.
TOM: If she prefers 'maternal instict', then let it be.
> But, whatever it was, something told her something
>wasn't quite right with him.
CROW: As you said at the beginning of this paragraph.
TOM: Is this author like Forgetful Jones or something?
>In either case, she needed some advice,
MIKE: From the old guy on the hill in 'B.C.'
> and whenever she needed
>objective, unopinionated advice, she always went to
CROW: Steve Allen.
> Bookshire.
>
>About an hour had passed since Sally had left. Tails was laying
>in bed, not feeling all that well.
TOM: The morning of November first is always a time of regret for gluttonous
kids.
> The good feeling had slowly begun to
>fade as he woke up, and now, he wasn't feeling at all well.
CROW: As was mentioned in the PREVIOUS SENTENCE!
MIKE: Whoa.
> Something
>inside him told him that he'd need to get some more of that candy to feel
>better.
TOM: [Wakko Warner] Candy candy! Candy-candy-candy!
>He thought about that for a few moments.
MIKE: "I loves squishy sponges... duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
> Christy had said he
>should bring something to trade with if he wanted to get more.
CROW: "Hmm, doubt I'll need my gallbladder for a while..."
> The
>question is what would he trade.
TOM: Not really a question; you need a question mark for it to be a
question.
MIKE: You made that mistake before. Don't comment on another guy doing it.
> He thought about the very few actual
>possesions he had.
CROW: "Let's see; I have a ball that swings into a cup and a yo-yo."
> In fact, he wasn't even sure what she would ask for.
>On top of that, if she didn't like ANYthing
ALL: WAUGH!
TOM: He did it again!
> he had to trade, what would he
>do then?
>Oh well, he thought to himself.
MIKE: He realized he didn't need to base his life on a piece of candy,
therefor learning the moral of the story, and the end.
> He'd think of something.
MIKE: Oh, pootie.
> In the
>meantime, being as tired as he was, he decided not to wait for Sally to
>come and tuck him in, and just fell asleep right then and there.
TOM: {SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT! Shooooo... SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!...}
>
> "It's like he wasn't even interested,"
CROW: "With me in my teddy."
> Sally told Bookshire with
>concern.
>The racoon listen attentively
MIKE: "Very interesting. Pointlessly rant some more."
> as he handed Sally some hot cocoa he
>had just fixed
TOM: Which was really eighty mini-marshmallows packed into a mug with a
spoon-full of Ovaltine sprinkled on it and a drop of warm milk.
> and sat down on the couch opposite of her.
CROW: [Bookshire] "Sooooo, wanna...?"
>"Well, it's certainly possible he had his mind on other things,"
MIKE: "Like how many ways to taunt a retarded badger and how many tiles
were on the bathroom walls.
>Bookshire said "I sincerely doubt he did nothing but sit around in his
>room all afternoon."
TOM: Booky, you should really read the script first.
>"Well, yes," Sally admitted, sipping her cocoa
CROW: {SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLURRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!!!}
> "But somehow I got
>the sense that there was more to it than that."
MIKE: "Y'know, like things."
>"What do you mean?" Bookshire inquired.
>"Well, he seemed distracted," Sally said "Distant."
TOM: "Plus he's grown his hair to four feet and got a tie-dye shirt."
>Bookshire stroked his muzzle a little in thought for a moment.
>"Well, the best you can do for now is just to keep an eye on him
>and see if his behavior improves or worstens," Bookshire stated
CROW: "If it worsens, *hell*, don't ask me."
> "Once you
>know more,
MIKE: You'll have graduated from NIMH.
> you'll probably be able to deal with the situation a bit
>better."
TOM: [Quickly] Butter.
>"You're right," Sally said "I think I'll do that as often as I can
>for the next few days and see what transpires."
CROW: "I'm just repeating what you said to get the point across."
>Bookshire nodded and continued to sip his cocoa as he and Sally
>sat up, talking about all numerous things
MIKE: [Bookshire] "...it was around then I got into decoupage. I found that
interesting. Then when I was twenty-five, I failed a college essay
for the first time. Quite embarrassing. Then..."
> before Sally left and headed for
>Tails' hut.
MIKE: [Bookshire] "Hey, wait! I haven't gotten to the Q-Tip incident yet- oh
poopie."
>When she got there, she did, in fact, find the cub out cold,
>practically.
TOM: Paying no attention to the blood strewn all over the room and the knife
and brass knuckles left on the floor, she left.
> She decided he had simply been too tired and gone to bed
>early.
CROW: Wow! She must be sick-ick!
> She clicked out the light softly and left.
TOM: How do you loudly turn out the lights?
MIKE: Well, y'know, you throw the lamp on the ground, shoot it, yell at it,
run it over with a steamroller...
>
>The next morning, Tails
MIKE: Headed back to Knothole.
> found himself staring up at the ceiling
>once again,
CROW: "One, two, three..."
TOM: 54; 11; 32...
CROW: "Crap, CRAP, *CRAP*!"
> not feeling quite 100% but, at least, not below eighty
>percent. He got up and went to have some breakfast.
TOM: Nice, yummy whale blubber.
> Sally ate with him
>as she sometimes did.
MIKE: I think she has a crush on him.
CROW: Don't be sick.
> She tried to engage him in conversation a couple
>times, but he didn't seem to talkative at the time.
TOM: [Tails] "Odd; she isn't picking up any of my telepathic messages."
>After breakfast, Tails went back to his room and thought for
>awhile. He wanted more candy.
MIKE: He also had this crazy craving for Honey Combs.
> That much was absolutely certain.
CROW: Absetively, posalutely.
> The
>question was, what to trade.
TOM: Wasn't that asked a few paragraphs ago?
> Well, perhaps he would just go find her and
>see waht he could work out.
CROW: "Maybe I can give her Bookshire's spell-checker; he obviously doesn't
use it."
>
>
>"Have you seen Tails around?" Todd asked Bookshire.
>Bookshire was sitting behind his desk in his office,
MIKE: "Ha, that Dilbert. Sorry, what were you saying?"
> polishing
>something under the desktop.
>"Not actually," Bookshire said.
>"Well, if you see him around, could you tell him I'd like to talk
>to him?" Todd asked.
>"Sure, if I see him,"
TOM: [Todd] "Well, yeah. That's what I asked. If you SEE him."
> Bookshire answered, continuing his work.
CROW: "I gotta polish more things concealed under desktops."
>Todd watched him for a moment.
MIKE: "You sick pig! What the hell are you *doing*??"
>"What are you doing anyway?" he asked.
>Bookshire smiled and brought his paws out from under the desk. In
>a very soft, white cloth,
CROW: He was polishing a white cloth?
> he was working over an crystal clear diamond,
>only just a little bigger than a golf ball.
TOM: I think a plot point just spilled all over us here.
>Todd almost fainted.
CROW: "MY HEART!"
>"Is that real diamond?" he asked.
MIKE: [Bookshire] "No way; it's over the show's budget."
>"Sure is," Bookshire said "Actually, before the takeover, it was
>sitting in the Royal Mobian Museum of
TOM: "Shiny Things."
> Fine Treasures. Found it in the
>reckage a bit after Robotnik took over. Been saving it, and a couple
>other things until a couple of the museums gets rebuilt."
CROW: "That's right; while all of you worthless hunks of scum are living
a life of misery, I'm squandering the planet's riches!"
>"Well, that's good," Todd said "Think I could see the rest of your
>collection sometime?"
>"Probably," Bookshire said
TOM: "But touch an' I'll shoot ya."
> "Come back at closing time,
MIKE: 'Closing time'? What? Does he have a JiffyLube at this make-shift
village?
> and I'll
>take you back to my home and I'll show you around."
>Todd nodded and said a polite good-bye before leaving.
>Neither one of them noticed the pair of eyes watching them.
CROW: It's that witch from 'Dark Crystal.'
>
>Christy was laying on a log half sunk into the river,
MIKE: "Um, help? I'm sorta about to drown here... Ah, well..."
> staring up
>at the sky, thinking about lots of things.
TOM: Like dirt, hair, shoes...
> It didn't take Tails too long
>to track her down,
MIKE: [Tails] "Ah ha! Christy scat!"
> and soon he had caught up with her.
CROW: Hey, whoa!
> Christy looked up.
TOM: "N'yeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
>"Well, hello again, Tails," Christy said as she sat up and smiled.
MIKE: Is she the Joker in disguise or something?
>"Hi, Christy," Tails responded "How are you?"
>"I'm doing well," Christy responded politely "How have you been?
>Enjoy the candy?"
TOM: [Tails] "Duh, wait; one question at a time..."
>"Sure did," Tails said "Kinda wondered if I could have some more."
>Christy hmmmed.
CROW: ...the 'Green Acres' theme.
>"Well," she said "I do believe I said that you would need
>something to trade for it. What do you have?"
TOM: "Whaddaya say? Whaddaya know?"
>"Nothing right now," Tails admitted
CROW: That's a bit of an understatement.
> "I was kinda gonna ask you if
>there was anything specific you wanted."
MIKE: "So here I go: Was there anything specific you wanted?"
>Christy thought about this and smiled.
CROW: Uh oh...
>"Well, there is one thing..."
CROW: Uh oh! Uh oh! Mike, has this crossed the 'G' rating???
>
>"Incoming communication, Sally," NICOLE reported,
TOM: You got mail.
> startling the
>Princess out of her thoughts.
CROW: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!"
>"Yes, please display," Sally said.
MIKE: "Jeez, another 'get rich quick' spam."
>NICOLE paused a moment,
TOM: System crash.
> then displayed a projection of Lupe.
CROW: [Lup] "Help me, Obiwan Kenobi."
>"Lupe, what can I do for you?" Sally said.
MIKE: [Over dramatic as Lup] "You can DIE!"
>"Greetings, Princess," Lupe said "I'll skip the pleasentries and
>get right to the point.
CROW: "Princess, where are you currently buying your office supplies?..."
> I was calling to inform you of a criminal we
>believe is in your area.
TOM: I'm not gonna touch that one.
CROW: May I?
MIKE: No.
> Her name is Christina Harper. She was banished
>from the Wolf Pack a few weeks ago for trading and using illegal drugs."
CROW: So she used her real name while selling something illegal?
TOM: I do believe she was using the stuff before she gave it to Tails.
MIKE: That would explain all the smiling.
>Sally nodded "Well, we'll be sure to keep an eye out for her then.
MIKE: "Just like how hard we've been looking for Tails lately."
>You can tell me more aobut
TOM: "I find aobut very interesting."
> it later when you arrive tomarrow for the
>command meeting."
>"Good idea," Lupe responded
CROW: Boy, this princess is a genius.
TOM: This village would go in shambles without her.
> "I'll bring some extra
MIKE: "Tuna salad."
> wolves with me
>also, in case we bump into her on our way there."
>"Good," Sally said "See you tomarrow, then."
>Lupe nodded and her image disappeared.
CROW: I Dream of Jeannie?
>
>"You want what?!" Tails exclaimed.
TOM: "That's dirty!"
>"The diamond that the one called Bookshire keeps in his desk
>drawer," Christy said.
>"BUt...
MIKE: Torgo, get off the set.
> but that's stealing," Tails said.
>Christy calmly took out a large pice of the candy and held it in
>front of Tails. The effect was almost mezmorizing, and Tails was feeling
>even worse.
TOM: [Christy] "How would you like some... SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
>"No it isn't," Christy said
CROW: "They'll accuse you of breaking and entering first, *then* ram the
robbery lawsuit down your throat."
> "Technically, it's not even his to
>begin with."
>"But..." Tails stalled. In his current condition it was hard to
>argue with either her, or her logic.
TOM: All he needs to do is *look* at the stuff and he turns stupid.
>"Get the diamond, and you get two of these pieces to enjoy,"
MIKE: "Today only at your local Jiffy-Mart."
>Christy said. Tails grudgingly agreed.
>
>Bookshire closed up his doctor's office temporarily for lunch
CROW: "Ug. I gotta loosen my belt, first."
> and
>headed for home. He made sure the front door was securely locked,
TOM: "Let's see, I left the windows open for ventilation... Hmm, my lock
rusted off. I'd better get a new one tomorrow... Well, if there's no
lock, I'd might as well leave the door open, too."
> and
>then departed.
MIKE: Poor guy. He was so young.
>Tails watched silently from the bushes.
CROW: [British accent] How not to be seen.
> Once Bookshrie was gone
>and there was nobody else around,
MIKE: "Good, it's safe to 'go.'"
> he left his hiding spot and began to
>examine the building.
TOM: "Okay, Mr. Building, hop onto the table. Now, when was your last check-
up?"
> Bookshire was old (at least to Tails) and old
>people forgot stuff.
MIKE: How come I can recall a cigarette jingle from the sixties but can't
remember what I just got up to do?
> Certainly, Bookshire must've left something open.
>He moved around the the
TOM: Eye Creatures?
> backside of the bujilding
CROW: Is that a Popiel product?
> towards where
>Bookshire's actual office was. Then he spotted it.
MIKE: That thingie-thing.
> the window was open
>jsut a crack.
TOM: Why was he in such a hurry to type that sentence?
> It took him a few minutes, but he managed to work his paws
>under it and lift it open to the point where he could slip inside.
CROW: Just as he got his head through, the window immediately fell down,
instantly crushing his vertebrae.
>Bookshire's office was neat and orderly. Everything on his desk
>was arranged perfectly and everything in the room was spotless.
MIKE: That raccoon got a little carried away with cleaning his food.
> Tails
>went to the desk and quickly began to search the drawers, going from one
>drawer to the next until he found it.
TOM: "Ah, Bookshire's 'girlie' magazines!"
> For a moment, he was stunned by the
>immense size of the diamond.
CROW: Um, no. Not gonna do it. Too easy.
MIKE: Thanks.
>He was snapped
TOM: HE'S GONE!
CROW: WHERE DID HE GO?
> out of it, however, when he heard Bookshire
>returning to the office. As quick as he could he closed all the drawers
>and jumped out the window,
MIKE: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." {splut}.
> slamming it down shut behind him.
>Bookshire walked into the office only a few seconds later,
TOM: He was busy admiring how shiny his keys were.
> and
>looked around, thinking he had heard a noise.
CROW: Like that enormous slam and the window shattering to bits? That noise?
> Going over to the window,
>he noticed it was fully closed...he always left it open a crack...
MIKE: Brilliant deduction.
TOM: I suppose being that the papers were strewn all around the room, the
loud sound of a window slamming and the fact he revealed a diamond to
someone doesn't arouse suspicion.
>
>"Excellent,"
CROW: Said Monty Burns.
> Christy grinned
MIKE: I guess it *is* true that if you make an expression it sticks that
way.
> as she examined the diamond.
>"There, you got your stupid diamond," Tails growled
TOM: "It did very lousy on its PSATs."
> "Now I want my
>candy."
>Christy grinned
CROW: We know already!
MIKE: We can't get away from it, Crow. Try to go along with it.
> and tossed him the two
TOM: Scoops of raisins.
> pieces.
>"A deal's a deal," she giggled
CROW: "Hehe. I feel like a schoolgirl."
> "If you want any more after that,
>you know where to find me."
MIKE: Yeah. 'Around', like you told him earlier.
CROW: "Look me up in the Yellow Pages. 555-SOME-OTHER-NUMBERS."
TOM: "Address: Anywhere, anywhere. Anywhere anywhere someplace."
>"Yeah right," Tails grumbled. He popped
MIKE: Yucky.
> one piece in his mouth
>and sucked on it as he headed for home.
TOM: A diamond for two pieces of "candy."
CROW: Talk about inflation. [Leaves]
MIKE: [Picking up Tom and leaving] I remember when they were only ten bucks
each.
[SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk]
[Just Mike, Tom, and Crow]
MIKE: "Orcium"... Do you suppose it's some sort of "pun" on opium?
CROW: An ironic statement? In this fanfic? Are you alright?
MIKE: Okay, okay. But what about what that thing Robotnik put half his
resources into but no mention of it was made to?
TOM: It was just a plot point to make Tails angry and walk off into the
woods, thereby meeting Christina and then taking drugs.
CROW: Hey, I know what let's do! Since we're already orbiting that Sonic
the Hedgehog planet thing, and Mike hasn't blown it up, yet -
MIKE: Hey.
CROW: - Why don't we just ask Tails himself?
TOM: Bah-rilliant, Brain!
MIKE: Yes, let's. [To Cambot] Hello?
[Mobius, in one of the huts. Tails is wearing socks on his ears and a glove
on his nose]
TAILS: [Slurred] Heyyyyyyyyyy... hi.
[SOL]
MIKE: [To `bots] Are you sure this may be, uh, safe?
CROW: Of course... maybe... well, no.
TOM: I'm gonna ask anyway. Hey, Double-butt-appendage...
[Mobius]
TAILS: He said butt! Hahahahahahaha! [Falls down] Ow. Hehe.
[SOL]
TOM: Um, yeah. What do you think of this Orcium business? Is it serious?
And what the heck was that mission supposed to be?
[Mobius]
TAILS: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.... pork?
[SOL]
CROW: Let me have a go. Tails, diaooewlkmwaeiaewllkdsjmoiew?
[Mobius]
TAILS: Oh, to get rid of this really big Death Star rip-off called a Death
Egg. Really stupid, I think. Anyway, Sally's gonna try to sabotage it
again tomorrow.
[SOL]
[Mike and Tom gape]
CROW: Those four years at the dorm finally paid off somehow. You gotta know
how to speak "High".
[Still gaping]
CROW: What? Y'know, when I was supposed to find Mike's family through that
time machine? I loved that college. [Trailing off] Cool fraternity.
I'll miss Big Ed. He used to sit on everyone in their hazing ritual...
MIKE: We'll be right back. Crow, you never *did* tell my family I was okay.
CROW: I was gonna get to it!
[Commercials]
The End.
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