Welcome, Won't You?

Orcium.

Original work by: Bookshire Draftwood.

Short: $$$ Pyramid Scheme.

Short by: Glen Finnian.

MiSTed by: John Berry.

Created on: Monday, 01 December 1997.

Added on: Wednesday, 06 August 2008.

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Rated 7.83 with standard deviation 1.07 on 6 evaluations.

[All return and sit down]

>
>When he got back to his hut he flopped down

MIKE: Three flights of stairs.

> on his bed again and
>idly watched the polkadot

MIKE & TOM: Polkadot?
CROW: [Dot Warner] Why not?
TOM: [Accordion music]

> elephants doing an odd dance on his floor

CROW: Um, Mike?
MIKE: Well, it's, uh... when, um... y'know... [continues]
CROW: [Whispering over to Tom] I already now, of course; I just enjoy
watching him try to explain it.

> while
>he thought about what he did.

MIKE: You see, Crow, it's when-
CROW: You can stop, now.

> He certainly felt alot better then he used
>to, but the probablem was, he stole to feel that way. Oh well,

ALL: Here we go again.

> he thought
>to himself. He glacned over at the elephants and asked them to do a waltz
>while he discussed world politics with them...

TOM: "We have a single tyrannous overlord... That about sums it up."

> they had some pretty good
>insights.

MIKE: Polkadot elephants *would* make better politicians.

>Todd walked up to Tails' hut,

TOM: [Sarcasm sequencer] Wait! How did he know he was in there?

> having seen him walk in there
>moments before.

TOM: [Sarcasm sequencer] Oh, THAT explains it!

> Just before he opened the door, he heard Tails talking
>inside. Going over to the window,

CROW: He went inside, opened all the desks throwing everything out of place?

> he saw Tails lying on the bed,

CROW: Oh.

> staring
>off into space, talking to somebody whom Todd did not see.

TOM: How could he miss those polkadot elephants?
MIKE: Tom?
TOM: No, Mike. I believe they're really there.
MIKE: Uh, hmmm.

> What made Todd
>look twice

MIKE: "Wha-huh? Wha-huh?"

> was that Tails' eyes were glazed over in a serious way.

CROW: They're Dunkin' Doughnuts, now.

> He
>went back to the door to enter when something on the ground caught his
>eye.

MIKE: "Owowow! Leggo! Leggo!"

> It was clear piece of what looked like rock candy.

TOM: Oh, GOD! Come ON!!
CROW: {Knock knock} "Hey, Tails! You left your plot convenience out here!"

> He

MIKE: Swallowed it whole.
CROW: [Hippie] "Whoooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....."

> pocketed it
>and went to see Bookshire.

TOM: Pocketed it, huh? The only guy in this show with pants.
MIKE: Except for the humans.
CROW: Well, THANK GOD!

>
>When he got to Bookshire's office, the raccoon was going through
>all of his drawers looking for something.

MIKE: "Where's my swimsuit calendar?...Oh, HI, Todd. Heh heh. Nothing."

>"What's wrong?" Todd asked as he entered.
>"That diamond's been stolen," Bookshire grumbled.

CROW: "That just slightly cheeses me off that I've lost a great fortune,
here."

>"Stolen?" Todd asked "What do you mean?"

TOM: Todd equals dense.

>"I mean, I went to lunch and when I came back it was gone,"
>Bookshire said "I'll report this to Sally immediately."
>"Um, first, before you do," Todd said as he took the piece out of
>his pocket

CROW: A lint ball. Nice.

> "Could you take a look at this and tell me what it is."

MIKE: "THAT'S my diamond! You thief!!" {POW POW}

>Bookshire took the piece and examined it curiously.

CROW: "Oooooooooo. Shiny."

> He ran his
>tongue over it lightly one and made a face.

TOM: "Eww. Vanilla Orcium."

> He tapped on it

CROW: Uh, come in?

> with one of
>his nails

MIKE: Claws, actually.

> and hmmed.
>"Orcium," he said "Highly illegal drug.

CROW: As opposed to a 'sort of illegal drug.'

> Where'd you get this
>from?"

MIKE: "Big Jim Bob's Highly Illegal Drugs One Cent Shop."

>"Illegal drug?" Todd said "I...I

TOM: "Cap'n."

> found it outside Tails' hut.
>Tails was inside looking really spaced out."
>"Hmmm...that could be serious," Bookshire said

MIKE: "It could be. Kid taking massive amounts of drugs. Sorta serious...
on second thought, forget about it."

> "We've got to get
>him in here now."
>
>Tails looked lazily over at where Todd and Bookshire were
>standing.

CROW: "Peace."

> They both looked exceedingly silly there with their serious
>expressions and he burst out laughing.

TOM: No wonder he was kicked out of school so many times.

>"Tails, you need to come with us," Bookshire said.

MIKE: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will
be used against you."

>"Yeah right, whatever," Tails giggled almost insanely.

CROW: The Joker gassed his room! Get him the antidote quick!

> He ignored
>them and went back to watching Antoine doing backflips off diving boards
>into small glasses of grape jelly.

TOM: Antoine really was doing that, you know.
MIKE: Right.
CROW: Not too out of character for Antoine, actually.
MIKE: But why do most of his fantasies involve Antoine somehow?
TOM: They're not fantasies.

>Todd sighed and wtn

MIKE: Wow. Not everyone can make a typo like that.

> foreward, pulling Tails up in his arms and
>carrying him out of the room as Tails struggled agaisnt him.

CROW: Shouldn't they be wed before he carries him across the threshold?

>"Put me down!" Tails demanded.
>"Nope, Tails this is for you own good,"

MIKE: Speaking Tor Johnson-ese.

> Todd insisted as he pulled
>Tails out of the room.

CROW: Pulled or carried? You decide.

>
>Bookshire then went to inform Sally

TOM: Of the "Dukes of Hazard" marathon on TNN.

> and soon they were all back at
>Booksxhire's office as Todd strapped Tails down into a bed

CROW: This is gonna turn dirty, isn't it?

> as the small
>fox continued to struggle.
>Bookshire carefully examined Tails' vital

CROW: Told ya.

> signs, hmming several
>times as he did.

MIKE: "Very interesting. Four fingers... three toes... I've concluded that
he's a cartoon."

>"Well?" Sally finally asked anxiously.
>"Well, thankfully, his halucenigetic state will wear off shortly,"
>Bookshire said

TOM: "I can just tell. No need to take blood or ask when he last took
Orcium."

> "He only seems to have ingested a small amount

CROW: "You see, his tum-tum isn't big and jiggley, so he hasn't eaten too
much."

> and the long
>term effects still have a very long way to go before he would get this way
>permenantly."

MIKE: That would be fun to see.

>Both Sally and Todd breathed

CROW: Some angel dust.

> a sigh of relief.

TOM: [Deadpan] PHEW.

>"But how did he get it?" Todd asked curiously.
>"That's where we're stuck," Bookshire replied as he gave Tails a
>sedative.

MIKE: "Whoops. Too much. He's dead. Sorry, sorry."

>"No we're not," Sally said "Lupe called awhile ago. She said
>somebody named Christina might be in the area,

CROW: No, Sally; I don't care if Tails *is* unconscious, don't talk about
sick stuff like that.

> and she was banned from the
>Wolf Pack for selling and using drugs. Tails might have gotten them from
>her."

MIKE: Maybe?

>"Then my advice would be to tracke this Christina down and get her
>before she gives out any more," Bookshrie said

TOM: The only guy as smart as the princess.

> "Oh, and to get my diamond
>back as well."

CROW: [Sally] "Diamond?! You've been squandering our riches, you old fart!"

>Sally and Todd both nodded resolutely.

MIKE: They're certainly in synch.

>"In the meantime, if it's alright with Bookshire, I think I'll
>remain here and watch over Tails," Todd said.

TOM: "Besides, I'm a wuss, and don't want to get too involved."

>"Good idea, Todd," Sally said "I'll have Sonic come in here also
>once he returns from the recon mission he's on."

MIKE: Well, if he *wasn't* on it, why would you have to wait until he was
back from it?

>Todd nodded and took a seat by the now sleeping fox's bed.

CROW: And he slept for a thousand years.

>
>Lupe and some other members of the Wolf Pack

TOM: [Singing] Leader of the wolf pack!
MIKE & CROW: {VROOOOOOM!}

> arrived early the
>next morning

MIKE: [Singing] Early in the morning!

> and met immediately with Sally in the conference room. Sally
>updated

TOM: Her web site, finally.

> them on the situation.
>"Chirstina Harper is a very dangerous wolf," Lupe said

CROW: If I remember correctly, the Wolf Pack was sort of made to look like
Native Americans.
MIKE: Yeah?
CROW: So what the hell kind of a Native American name is 'Christina Harper'?

> "Getting
>her back into custody will be difficult, but it would certainly help if we
>knew where to start searching for her."

TOM: I heard she was 'around'. Maybe you should look there.

>Sally nodded.

CROW: [Goofy] Uhhhhhhhhh-yuh, uh-yuh, yuh yuh yuh.

>"Agreed," Sally said "I think we ought to start by the Great
>river.

MIKE: Mobians sure have a way of running the word 'great' into the ground.
TOM: Great Forest, Great Unknown, Great War...

> Tails'

TOM: Great.

> shoes were

TOM: Greatly.

> wet yesterday so it's possible he could've been

TOM: Great.

>meeting with her along the

TOM: Great.

> bank somewhere."
>Lupe nodded.

MIKE: George Clooney's famous 'Head-bob, smile, head-bob-head-bob, smile'
method of acting.

>
>Both Todd and Sonic had been sitting by Tails' bedside throughout
>the night,

CROW: Jason, I'm really, really sorry.
TOM: Good.
CROW: You're supposed to be asleep!

> neither one willing to leave his side for an instant save for
>one reason...

MIKE: "MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! Better stay, though."

>"We think we've found her," Sally said, startling both Todd and
>Sonic suddenly.

BOTS: [Sonic & Todd] "I WET 'EM!"

> They turned and look over at her standing in the doorway.
>"Where?" Todd was the first to say.
>"By the bank of the Great River," Sally replied

TOM: So her first hunch was the correct one.

> "Lupe and I are
>going after her and you're both welcome to join us."

TOM: Took my line again.

>"You bet," Todd said resolutely as he got up to join Sally.

MIKE: "Wait, I'm stuck to the seat. Stupid naugahide." {Riiiip} "Okay, there
we go."

>"You got it, Sal," Sonic joined in, racing out the dorr before
>either of them.

CROW: So he *didn't* join in.

>
>Sonic, Sally, Todd, and Lupe

TOM: Chief.
CROW: McCloud.

> walked resolutely through the forest
>to

MIKE: Grandma's house.

> the Great River. All of them keeping their eyes open, ready for
>anything.

TOM: Except that glowing tangerine flying at them.

>A sudden movement to one side caused Todd to react instantly and
>he ran and dove into the brush it was coming from.

CROW: [Sally] "Oof. It's ME, you idiot!"
MIKE: [Sonic] "Try taking decaff."

> The others stopped and
>watched as Todd burst

TOM: [Sally] "Gross, I got Todd guts all over my new vest."

> out of the brush again, grapling with a very angry
>white wolf, trying to snap his neck.

MIKE: A fight sequence? Why here? Why now?

>Before the two could get their footing, Lupe was the next into the
>fight, rolling on the ground

CROW: She got up and felt quite stupid.

> with Todd and Christy

TOM: So Todd and Christy were rolling too? When?

> as she and Todd tried
>to restrain the wolf completely.

CROW: Why is Lup helping to restrain Lup?
MIKE: I think he means Christy.
CROW: Chrisy's trying to restrain Christy?
MIKE: Never mind.

> Suddenly, with a sudden burst of
>strength,

TOM: She eats her spinach.

> Christy managed to throw

CROW: Up.

> Todd off of her and wrestled with Lupe
>before throwing

CROW: Up.

> her off too.
>Christy was on her feet in a second, yanked a kmnife

MIKE: [Todd] "Yow! Don't yank my kmnife!"
CROW: You said I was bad.

> out of
>nowhere

TOM: Man.

> and pitched it head on into the chest of Todd who was charging
>her.

ALL: So take away his credit card!

> His cry of pain as the knife impaled him covered a half mile easily
>as he crashed to the ground.

CROW: Face first, ramming the knife right through to his spine as well.

> Sally and Sonic were at his side in a second

TOM: [Sonic] "Shall I twist the knife or you?"
MIKE: [Sally] "You go right ahead."

>as Lupe tackled Christy again and socked her muzzle to and fro

TOM: Stop and go. That's what makes the world go 'round.

> again and
>again until Christy was out cold.

MIKE: From punching her in the mouth. Yes, this makes perfect sense.

> Without another word, she went about
>bind Christy's wrists and elbows tightly behind her

CROW: Lup ties Christy's limbs behind Lup's back. This is just getting
goofy.

> with some rope she
>brought, then binding her ankles and knees together jsut as tightly. She
>tied Christy to a near by tree

TOM: So they could play darts.
MIKE: Okay, abdomen is twenty points; go fer an eye and get eighty.

> and would send some of the other wolves to
>come and retrieve her.

CROW: Dogs *do* retrieve stuff, y'know.

>Lupe went back over to where Todd laid, and helped Sonic and Sally
>pick up up and get him back to Knothole as quickly as possible.

MIKE: "First, let's stop for some frozen yogurt."

>
>When they arrived, Bookshire was relieved to find that the knife
>wound wasn't as fatal as it looked.

CROW: Okay, right through the heart, immense bleeding; yep, he's gonna live
for the sake of fanficdom.

> With a couple of clean mending tools,

TOM: Which means Booky spat on them then rubbed them on his leg.

>he patched Todd up

CROW: So he looked like a Raggedy Anne doll.

> and moved him to the recovery bed right by Tails.
>Not too long after that, as Sonic and Sally were sitting by the
>two foxes silently, Tails groggily began to come to, shaking his head
>weakly having just gotten over the effects of the Orcium.

MIKE: We've yet to recover from "Orcium."

>"What happened?" he whispered.
>"You were on drugs, Tails," Sally said gently

CROW: Great. Here comes the moral of today's story.

> "You were acting
>in an unnatural way."
>"I was?" Tails asked "I don't remember too much...except for
>Christy..."

MIKE: He had a crush.

>Tails' head rolled over

TOM: Linda Blair!

> and saw Todd resting quietly with some
>bandages on his chest.

CROW: Blood was still spewing out like a fountain.

>"Todd?" he said sitting up in a very frightened voice.
>"Don't worry, Tails," Sonic said "Todd'll be just fine."
>"How..." Tails began.

MIKE: That's what I'm wondering, too; how he survived.

>"Christy stabbed him when we tried to capture her," Sally said
>"He'll be alright though,

TOM: [Sally] "Like Sonic said. Want me to say it again? How 'bout if I have
Bookshire tell you?"

> so don't worry.

CROW: Be happy.

> Now lay back and rest."
>Tails nodded slowly and got comfotable again.
>"Never again," Tails whispered.
>"Never again what, TAils?" Sally asked.

MIKE: Never again will Bookshire write another story?
TOM: Please?

>"Never going to take any of the stuff again," Tails said as
>he looked over at Todd "More wrongs in it than rights."
>"There are no rights when it comes to drugs, Tails," Sally said.
>"Bad things always come out of them bro," Sonic continued.

CROW: I feel like we're watching an after-school special.

>"The only sad part is that you had to learn that lesson in a
>painful way for everybody," Sally said.

TOM: "Even though you got it from someone you thought you knew and thought
it was candy."

>"I know, Aunt Sally," Tails sighed "I'm sorry."
>Sally smiled.
>"I know you are Tails," she said as she kissed him softly

MIKE: "That's why I'm only gonna cane you *eight* times."

> "But for
>now you rest. I have to go see Lupe for a moment, Sonic will you wait
>here."
>"Sure thing, Sal," Sonic replied.
>
>Sally left and went outside to see Lupe

CROW: Like she said she would.
TOM: Everyone lives up to their word in this story.

> who was just getting ready
>to leave. Nearby, two wolves where holding Christy,

MIKE & TOM: [Wolves] "Can I be your boyfriend?"

> still bound and now
>gagged in their arms.
>"What will her punishment be?" Sally had to ask.

CROW: [British accent] Let's build a bridge out of her.

>"That will be up to the majority to decide," Lupe replied

MIKE: The Wolf Pack has a nice democratic government.

>"However, in most situations, the offender is stoned to death.

TOM: But given the logic in this story, she'd survive that.

> Still, now
>and again, we can't bring ourselves to kill one of our own. We'll wait
>and see what happens."

MIKE: "Let's wait till she escapes and attempts to murder us all in a
vengeance."

>Sally nodded quietly

CROW: What would a loud nod be, exactly?
MIKE: Like, if you're over sixty and have bad arthritis.

> and watched Lupe and the others depart. In
>all the years she had been alive, she never understood why anybody would
>get mixed up in drugs.

TOM: Let's repeat the moral in case none of you got it.

> It seemed there were always more losses than
>gains. Users took the risk of killing themselves. Pushers took the risk
>of being caught and executed by the authorities or getting killed by one
>of their competitors. And, the gbottom line was,

CROW: Gbottom?
MIKE: That would be like Ace Goodheart's butt.
TOM: Oh, I get it. So if he'd fart, it'd be a gforce!

> they took those risks
>for short term gains, rather than trying to direct their long term goals.
>Drugs were never the answer. That much was fact.

CROW: How about the fact that this story's repetitious and grammatically
impaired?

> And one day,
>when Sally found herself in full power over the planet of Mobius, and
>peace had been restored, she vowed she would make certain that all illegal
>drugs would be eliminated once and for all.

MIKE: So all the addicts would rally and kill her.

> One day...
>
>
>THE END

TOM: The gend.
CROW: Gbottom? Gend? Get it??
TOM: Let's go, Ghostbusters.
[Mike picks up Tom]

>
>
>Public Service Announcment:

CROW: Hafta pay the bills somehow. [Leaves]

>
>Do Drugs and Die. Not a Threat.

TOM: A command.
[Mike leaves with Tom in hand]

> A Fact.
>
>
>

[SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk]

[Only the `bots. Crow is holding a giant torch, and Tom is holding an ax.
A rope tied to something behind the desk goes strait up to an unseen pulley
system]


TOM: Okay, let's go through this again: What did we learn from this fanfic?
CROW: Not to do drugs?
TOM: Guess again.
CROW: Don't trust strangers?
TOM: One more time.
CROW: You can be stabbed in the heart in a world of little medicine and
survive virtually unharmed?
TOM: Exactly! But the question is, how far can you go?
CROW: Gee, I do not know that. Let's test it.
TOM: Wait for it... [In walks Mike] Perfect. Hey, Mike!
MIKE: Well, hi, Tom. What're you doing?
TOM: Heh heh.
CROW: Ha ha.
BOTS: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MIKE: [Casually looking down] Whatever.
TOM: NOW!
MIKE: Hey! A penny!
[Mike ducks as Crow's torch fries Tom's head. Blinded just as he was about
to swing, Tom lops Crow's head off]

MIKE: [Getting up; oblivious] Well, have fun, guys. Seeya. [Walks off]
CROW: Well, that didn't go too well, did it?
[Tom just cries as he wanders aimlessly]
CROW: Ow! I just stepped in my own eye.
[Tom's ax slices through the rope, and something can be heard falling in
that Warner Bros. slide whistle effect]

TOM: Oops.
[A giant shadow begins to cover them]
CROW: [Quickly] Back down to you, Mrs. F.!

[Mobius, inside a different hut]

[Bobo is waiting by a door still covered in Spam bits as Observer walks in
sans robe]

BOBO: Oh, hi, Brain Guy. How'd you get clean so fast?
OBSERVER: I did it with my mind, of course.
BOBO: Of course.
OBSERVER: Say, I've lost my robe. Do you know where it's gone?
BOBO: Why don't you just make a new one with your mind?
OBSERVER: Well-
BOBO: In fact, why didn't you just recreate your planet with your mind when
Mike blew it up?
OBSERVER: Are you questioning the continuity here?
BOBO: No, I-
[Pearl walks out of the door, wearing Observer's cloak as a bathrobe]
PEARL: Alright, Monkey-man. Shower's all yours.
OBSERVER: Hey! That's mine you're wearing!
PEARL: So?
OBSERVER: Give it back right now!
PEARL: You sure?
OBSERVER: Very!
PEARL: Okay.
[She unties the waistband as the show fades out]

[Observer screams in terror half-way through the end credits]

---

HEAD WRITER: John Berry
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Jenny Berry & Kevin Sigmund
PROOF READERS: Kevin Sigmund & Shay Caron
SPECIAL THANKS: David "Bookshire" Pistone for not killing me
SEGA for not suing me

---
BOBO: That's a lovely Elmo t-shirt, Lawgiver.
PEARL: Thanks.
OBSERVER: Oh, the pain! The horror!
---

Mystery Science Theater 3000 & characters 1997 Best Brains Inc.
Sonic the Hedgehog & characters 1997 SEGA, DiC, & Archie Comics

STINGER:

>He went back to the door to enter when something on the ground caught his
>eye. It was clear piece of what looked like rock candy.

The End.
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