Premier Ma[r]qui{s} (Group).

TOM: ...No No No No NO!

CROW: YES!

TOM: NO!

CROW: YES!

MIKE: Tom, I'll prove it. Gypsy, have you seen "The Ultra-Mega Non-
Canonical Fan-Compiled Pathetic Nit Pickers' Technical Guide to Star
Trek" CD-ROM? I couldn't find it anywhere.

GYPSY: Sure, Mike. We put it in Storage Locker 3 last night with all
the other junk, remember?

MIKE: Oh yeah. Thanks, Gypsy.

[Mike, Tom and Crow move stage left. Their conversation fades as they
walk off camera.]

MIKE: You see, Tom, the important technical specification for starship
shields is megawatts *per square meter*, because that takes into
account....

[Gypsy is alone at the desk. She glances at Cambot, then turns
back towards stage left.]

GYPSY: Guys? Where are you going? The Mads are gonna call soon. Guys?

[While Gypsy is looking stage left, Mike (in a black jumpsuit and
wearing an earring), Crow (wearing a fake goatee), and Tom (wearing a
black beret) come on camera behind Gypsy, from stage right.]

MIKE: Gypsy, have you seen...?

GYPSY: [startled] Huh?! [spins around to face them] How did you...?
[looks back towards stage left] But I just saw you go over....
[spins to face them again] Huh?!

MIKE: [in a pseudo-pretentious accent] Gypsy, dear, I seem to have
misplaced all of our back issues of "Modern Art Monthly." Do you,
perchance, know where they might be?

GYPSY: Umm ... sure, Mike. When we cleaned out our rooms last night, we
put all the extra junk in Storage Locker 3. *Remember*?

MIKE: Oh, but of course. Ciao!

[Mike, Tom and Crow wander stage left. Their conversation fades as
they walk off camera.]

TOM: [with a similar accent] You see, Michael, the Post-Neo-Cubical-
Meridian-Obfuscian style is all about the artist's intrinsic
superiority over the public, implicitly justifying condescending,
self-righteous attitudes and the occasional production of technically
simplistic, incomprehensible works while living off government grants.

CROW: [similar accent] Yes, yes, that's all well and good, but it's
soooooo derivative of the Pre-Counter-Duadic-Chromo-Polemicist
school....

[Gypsy is again alone at the desk.]

GYPSY: [calling to stage left] Hey, wait! Guys? You'd better get back
here fast!

[While Gypsy is looking stage left, Mike (in a blue jumpsuit), Crow and
Tom come on camera behind Gypsy, from stage right.]

MIKE: Heeeeey, bright eye!

GYPSY: [startled] AUGH!! [spins around to face them]

CROW: You're looking mighty ... *slinky* there, Gypsy....

[Tom and Crow snicker.]

GYPSY: How did you...? [looks back stage left] But I just *saw* you
go.... [spins around to face them again] HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!

TOM: Oh, she's asking how we Do That Thang We Do....

[Tom and Crow snicker some more.]

MIKE: Have you seen Crow's copy of the Complete Double-Entendres List?

GYPSY: Don't you REMEMBER? We put all that junk in STORAGE LOCKER THREE
last night!!!

MIKE: Oh sure. [Mike, Tom, and Crow head off stage left. Mike pats
Gypsy on her backside.] Keep that light burning for me, baby.

[More snickering from Tom and Crow as they leave. Gypsy is once again
alone.]

GYPSY: [yelling after them] WAIT! Come back! The Mads are gonna call
ANY MINUTE NOW!

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

[Mike (in a red jumpsuit and wearing a coach's whistle), Crow (in a
miniature sweat suit) and Tom (with a sweat band around his bubble)
come jogging on camera from stage right. Gypsy is still looking towards
stage left.]

[Mike blows his whistle.]

GYPSY: AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [spins around to face them]

MIKE: All right, guys, let's rest a minute.

TOM: There's nothing like brisk round of calisthenics in the
morning to make a bot feel good all over.

GYPSY: How ... how ... [turns towards stage left] how... [turns back
to face them] HOW?!?!

MIKE: Calm down, Gypsy. We just stopped to ask if you know where to
find my old running shoes.

GYPSY: [shaking and stuttering] S-st-storage l-locker th-thr-three?

MIKE: OK, thanks. Let's go, guys. Hup --- hup --- hup --- hup!

[Mike, Crow and Tom go jogging off camera stage left. Gypsy stares at
them as they leave.]

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ...

[Mike (in a green jumpsuit), Tom and Crow come on camera from stage
right.]

MIKE: Gypsy, have you seen all my other jumpsuits? I can't find them
anywhere.

[Gypsy spins around to face them.]

GYPSY: Oooooooohhh.

[Gypsy faints dead away.]

CROW: Nice one, Mike.

MIKE: Hey, what did I do?

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.

[Mike taps commercial light.]

MIKE: What? What did I do...?

[Cut to commercials.]


[Return from commercials. Mike (in green jumpsuit), Tom, Crow and
Gypsy are in their usual places. Gypsy stands woozily. She has a
large ice bag on her head, and Mike is fanning her with a towel.]

[In the background, behind Mike and the bots, we see several duplicates
of Tom and Crow. They are variously standing around, walking on and off
camera, etc. There are even one or two duplicates of Mike on camera
from time to time (all in different-colored jumpsuits), but they always
have their backs turned to the camera.]

MIKE: [notices Cambot] Hi there. Things are even weirder than usual
today on the Satellite of Love. I expect the Mads will explain
soon.... They always do. In the meantime, I'm Mike Nelson,
unwilling astronaut and film critic, and these are my friends
Tom Servo...

TOM: Hello.

MIKE: Crow T. Robot...

CROW: Greetings, Earthlings.

MIKE: And Gypsy.

GYPSY: [still woozy] Ohhhhh.

MIKE: And as for the *rest* of these.... [Mike nods towards the
duplicates behind him.]

TOM: I'm as narcissistic as the next fellow, but I've got to tell you
that there's something deeply disturbing about seeing so many copies
of myself around here.

CROW: Yeah, what's the deal, Mike? Have you been hanging out with
Scotsmen and doing unnatural things with sheep lately?

MIKE: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

[Mads light starts flashing.]

MIKE: Oh, Angus and Dolly are calling.

[Mike taps the Mads light.]


[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Hello Nelson, fembots. [Dr. Forrester pauses and squints into
the monitor.] You *are* the real Nelson, aren't you?

[SOL]

MIKE: As far as I know.

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Good. Because our next experiment is a little thing I call ...
WORLD DOMINATION. All mad scientists dream about replacing world
leaders with robot replicants. But how many of them have the
chutzpah to actually try it?

[SOL]

CROW: Lots, judging by the movies we've seen.

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: True, true, but they all failed. And do you know *why* they all
failed?

[SOL]

TOM: They let nosy reporters and government agents sneak around their
secret bases unchaperoned?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Wrong! They failed because they didn't test their creations
properly --- a mistake I *won't* be making. I'm putting my
replicants through the ultimate torture test.

[SOL]

MIKE, CROW & TOM: [together] You mean...?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: YES! I'm going to make them read an entire Ratliff fanfic ---
specifically, "Premier Maquis."

[SOL]

CROW: Mike, I know they're just soulless automaton pawns in a plot to
enslave the world, but that's *too cruel*!

MIKE: Shush, Crow. This is serious.

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: I wouldn't expect your pedestrian minds to understand, but
personality matrix construction is very delicate and unpredictable.
You've probably already noticed personality differences amongst
them, hmmm?

[SOL]

MIKE: Now that you mention it.

GYPSY: Ooohhhh.

CROW: I hate to ask, but does this mean *we* have to go back into the
theater and read that ... that THING again?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Much as it pains me to say this ... NO. It was hard enough
getting each set of replicants to ignore the other sets. I need
to measure their responses to prolonged Ratliff exposure, compare
them to your responses, and I don't want you in there corrupting
my data.

[SOL]
[Mike has a noose strung up near the desk. Crow and Tom are each
holding one terminal of a car battery.]

ALL: WHEW!

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: You've got until the end of the fanfic to relax, Nelson. Because
when it's all over and the victorious replicants return to Deep 13,
they'll have the information I need to take over the world. Now
send in the clones! [Dr. F stabs the button.]

[SOL]
[Lights, buzzers, etc.]

MIKE, CROW & TOM: They've got fanfic sign!!!

[Replicants head for the theater. The real Mike, Crow and Tom dive out of
the way as Cambot heads for the theater doors.]

[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[theater]

[Fifteen replicants each of Mike, Tom, and Crow cram into the small
theater. Of course, we can only see their silhouettes. (Fun and games
with Shadowrama{tm}!) They somehow all manage to find a seat.]

Tom09: Ah, good old Sonny Tufts College.

Mike08: Mitre: For Starfleet's PREMIER soccer gear!

Mike09: [singing] Duke, Duke, Duke, E-D-U-U-U....

Crow09: Yeah, gotta keep yer NNTP servers at a pretty constant 40 PSI,
there.

Mike15: I think the exclamation points are a bit excessive. It's just a
transfer route.

Tom15: Yes! But isn't it exciting!

Tom02: Not-for-reading either.

Mike15: Not-for-mail, not for human consumption.

Tom15: Warning! Ratliff fanfics can cause severe brain damage.

Crow13: Great! This one's so bad, the news servers played a virtual game of
Hot Potato.

Crow08: Gaaah! Sorry, reflex action.

Tom09: And the crowd goes wild.

All09: [dully] Yay.

Tom15: [singing] Dead man walkin'...

Mike13: You know, it's possible that Ratliff is actually a *good* writer
who posts bad fanfics just to see what kind of a reaction he can
get.

Crow13: You should be shot for even *imagining* that.

Tom13: Soon to be renamed "alt.startrek.badly.in.need.of.a.life."

Crow15: [as Alec Guiness] You will never find a more wretched hive of
scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

All13: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Mike08: Premier Mercury Marquis?

Tom08: Premier Marquess of Queensbury?

Crow08: "Get the Marqui title up on the marquee."

Tom13: Whose English Department apologizes most profusely for this
article.

Mike13: That's not so bad.

Crow13: Did you forget the "part 1" above?

Mike13: Ulp!

Tom13: runet: Ratliff Unleashes New Enterprise Twaddle.

Mike13: This Is Nuts!

Crow13: Terrorizing Individual Newsgroups!

Tom13: Twits Ingenious? Never!

Crow09: "PLO"? So Stephen is actually Yassir Arafat?

Mike09: It would explain a lot.

Crow15: Deep Hurting Nine is more like it.

Tom15: Dear gods, he's got them titled now!

Crow08: He wasn't content with ruining The Next Generation. Now
he's gonna tear up Deep Space Nine.

Tom08: Not to be redundant, but this is going to hurt.

Mike08: A lot.

Tom13: What's with these authors that sequel things to death?
Sheesh, this is worse than the Xanth series.

Crow13: This is Ratliff you're talking about. It's worse than the Gor
series.

Mike13: By Faberge

Crow15: He lost the S.

Mike15: I think he's lost more than just a few letters.

Tom01: He spelled the title wrong.

Mike01: TOM!

Tom01: It wasn't a spelling flame, it was a poor research riff.

Mike01: Okay, just don't let it happen again.

All01: We're going to die!

Tom11: A twisted mind.

Crow01: \
Crow14: - Like, duh.
Crow09: /
Crow13: This AUTHOR is a work of fiction.

Tom09: Believe me, this is a valid disclaimer.

Crow09: Oh, that's convincing coming from a bot who still wears his
C-3PO mask when he watches "Return of the Jedi."

Tom09: Shut up, you!

Mike11: Uniquely determined primes.

Tom13: Delusional mind.

Tom12: Or the author's dementia.

Crow15: The author has an imagination?

Tom11: Thank God.

Crow02: And resemblance to actual common sense or plot is entirely
coincidental.

Mike03: Names have been changed to protect the grammatically confused.

Mike09: So all you lawyers for Erika Flores, this means "foo on you."

Crow13: And you have our sincerest condolences if "resemblance to a
Ratliff fanfic" happens to you or someone you love....

Mike15: [whiny voice] No, I did not base Ensign Voluptua on you, Mom....

Tom15: <shiver> Let's not go there, Mike.

Crow09: [as ViaCom] And DON'T you forget it, you little lowlife fan-worms!

Tom09: Who'da thought ViaCom would be the Disney of the 90's?
Tom15: [as ViaCom] The cash cow is ours! All ours! They'll buy anything
with "Star Trek" stamped on it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Crow15: And he can keep it.

Mike08: And he can keep it.

Tom05: We can't believe he's claiming credit for it.

Mike11: Remember, Stephen Ratliff is copyrighted. Creating a clone of
him is punishable under international copyright law.

Crow11: Since this is a Marrissa story, shouldn't that be "Strawberry
Finn"?

Tom15: [as Mark Twain] Give me back my notice, you young whip. It was
not presented to you, much less with courtesy....

Crow03: Oh, so we're big hoity-toity authors on par with Twain, now, are
we?

Tom03: Don't encourage him.

Crow01: Well, we know Ratliff payed attention in American Lit.
Crow12: Well, *he's* using stuff without permission all over the place.

Mike12: Ah, Crow, we really shouldn't talk.

Tom13: Oh, great, how he's ruining Mark Twain for *generations* to come.

Mike13: Maybe he's been watching that episode where they go back in time
and meet Mark Twain in San Francisco....

Bots13: Fan-boy! Faaaaaan-boy!

Tom11: Searching fruitlessly.

Mike13: Persons who make fun of it will get ramchips.

Bots13: Mo-ti-VA-tion!

Tom12: Well, no danger of any of those.

Mike02: At least he's owning up to it now.

Tom01: That is scary on so many levels.
Tom07: Talk about rule by an intellectual elite!

Mike14: I think we're all pretty safe up here.

Crow13: Right! Come over here, Ratliff. Ma, go get mah gun.

Mike13: I don't think he meant that literally.

Mike15: Oh, don't worry. We won't be looking for a motive...

Tom15: Or a moral...

Crow15: Or any kind of plot. I mean, this *is* Ratliff fanfic.

Tom03: Persons attempting to find originality in it will be forced to
coexist with Tickle Me Elmo factory rejects.

Mike11: Persons attempting to enjoy it will be committed to a mental
health institution.

Tom08: Persons attempting to stop Mark Twain from spinning in his
grave will be arrested.

Mike09: Persons attempting to riff it will get a load of cash, be sent
back to Earth, and given long sensual foot massages by Tea Leoni.

Crow09: Yeah, right, Mike.

Mike09: Hey, it could happen!

Tom09: The inventor of Steve's spell-checker, Mr. Etaoin Shrdlu.
Tom13: All those helpless electrons that were forced to become this awful
fanfic.

Crow05: Who won't be speaking to me after this gets out.

Mike11: Any relation to Lena?

Tom11: Wishful thinking will get you nowhere.

Crow04: And Practices...

Tom09: And Discourses...

Crow07: It's not school he hates, it's the principle of the thing.

Tom13: That's "Princi*PAL*s"! The Principal is your *PAL*; that's how you
remember.

Mike13: Tom, ease up on the spelling flames.

Mike12: Makers of fine salad dressings.
Mike04: Isn't that where Annette Funicello went?
Mike05: Too bad Ratliff didn't stay hidden in the valley.

Crow09: Hey, Stephen went to school to learn how to make Ranch dressing.

Mike09: I hear Buttermilk 201 is really intense.

Mike11: Who thogt me every thing i now about wirting.

Crow03: Who are even now preparing bribes so they won't get mentioned
again.

Crow15: He'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Tom15: Currently wanted for questioning regarding two other Star Trek
fanfics....

Mike01: How many guys named David are there?

Crow08: None of whom can ever show their faces in public now for being
associated with this story.

Tom09: Also, Bitsy, Cookie, and Muffy --- kisskiss, sweetumses!
Tom07: At least he didn't thank his English teacher.

Mike03: Oh, so he *can* spell "principal" right after all?

Tom14: Pick one spelling and stick with it, Stephen!

Tom13: PAL!! PAL!!

Mike13: [warningly] Tom....

Tom13: But, look, he spelled it right three times in a row and then
spelled it wrong again! How could anybody *do* that?

Mike13: Easy, pal. Tell yourself, "It's only a fanfic."

Tom13: [quietly] It's only a fanfic ... it's only a fanfic....

Tom01: Guys, I've got a really bad feeling about this one....

Mike01: Aw, how bad could it be? We've made it through ten whole
Ratliff fanfics. He can't get any worse, can he?

Tom01: I dunno, Mike, but I'm picking up some really bad vibrations
here.

Mike15: How many schools did Ratliff go to, anyway?

Tom15: Not enough. Not enough by a long shot.

Tom13: It's only a fanfic.... It's only a fanfic....

Tom03: ... at least half of this story.

Mike10: 80-proof reading, in this case.

Tom02: That he missed the full stop right there is very ominous.

Tom12: Wouldn't it be ironic if he misspelled his name?
Tom07: I have a feeling that should be "Eugene."
Tom11: Shouldn't that be "Eugene"?

Mike03: How much you wanna bet his name is really "Eugene?"

Mike04: Isn't he the guy who hosts "The Western Tradition?"

Crow04: Too obscure. No one watches PBS these days.

Mike08: Well.... Let's see how THIS guy holds up.

Mike09: Woiwod?

Tom09: Bwing out the pwisonew cawwed Bwian!

All05: PROOFREADING!?!?!?!

Mike05: Dear Lord, the rapture is at hand!

Tom05: Quick, get Crow out of the house before God comes.

Crow05: Hey!

Mike06: Yes, by popular demand, and at no extra charge, a proofreader has
been added to Ratliff's crack writing staff.

Tom06: Unfortunately, from what we've seen so far, Eugen proofreads about
as well as Ratliff writes.

Crow15: [as Eugen] He spelled "the" wrong *again*?!

Mike15: [as nurse] Calm down, Mister Woiwod, your thorazine will be
ready in a moment.

Tom13: It's only a fanfic.... [starts giggling] It's only <hee hee> a
<hrrshkt> fanfic....

Crow08: ... who is *also* spinning in his grave.

All13: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

[Tom01 shrieks, and his head explodes.]

Crow01: Yikes! Servo was right! I don't think he's ever blown up before
the story even started.

Mike06: Yes, trust Ratliff to rip off nothing but the best.

Tom07: First Twain, then Jefferson. Who's next, Raymond Chandler?

Crow03: His spell checker isn't on the fritz anymore, so instead he's
ripping off dead white guys right and left?

Tom03: I *told* you not to encourage him!!!

Crow12: So, the last three lines of this story will be Ratliff's own work?

Mike11: [as Ratliff] The original sucked because there wasn't any action,
so I added these neat starships and stuff.

Crow11: Ah! So that's why the new consoles are made from Lego blocks.

Crow01: ...or he'll beat me up.

Tom11: The less Phillip knows of his brother's stories, the better.

Mike14: [as Stephen] Since he can't read, he'll never know unless someone
tells him....

Tom12: HEY! Phillip!

Crow07: Hey, Phillip? Phil, honey?
Crow15: Yo! Phillip! Guess what your brother told us, Trekkie? Hahaha.

Tom03: [little-boy voice] It's no fair! Stephen gets to post to
alt.startrek.creative and I don't!!!
Tom09: Ma! Steve's using my starship designs in his stories again. Make
him stop!!

Mike07: Call me Ishmael....

Tom11: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Tom10: Shipments of anti-logue are being sent as we speak.

Crow12: Is that anything like the Captainslogue?

Tom13: Sort of like a Captain's log, except done by professionals.

All10: Party down!

Crow11: Ooooh....

Mike11: Cut that out!

Crow07: Bonds. Political Bon--

Mike07: Stop that. Too obvious.

Crow08: Bad fan fiction.
Crow10: The Garden State Parkway.

Mike13: Hey! Separate but equal is inherently UN-equal.

Tom07: Hey, Plessy! Fergusson wants to talk to ya!

Tom06: ... Jim Crow.

Crow06: Huh?

Tom11: This is Star Trek. Laws of nature only apply when it makes a neat
plot point.

Tom14: Huh. Never would've pegged Ratliff as a PC redactionist.
Tom09: The universe, as opposed to nature.

Mike09: I think he tried to make it ecumenical.

Tom09: "I want to appeal to all religious persuasions, so let's remove
any reference to God." Somehow, that utterly fails to impress me.

Crow10: It's these pesky entitlements that are ruining the whole country.

Crow01: ... except when we don't like those opinions....

Mike10: What if the Galaxy just wants them to shut up and go home?

Mike10: Okay, like, they keep drinking milk right from the carton.

Tom11: And the winner of the run-on sentence award is....
Tom07: Let's see him diagram THAT sentence.

Crow07: Are you kidding? Even proofread, the grammar's bad here.

Mike15: [phone dials] Hello, Jefferson estate? Yes, I've got a nice
little tip for you about a copyright infringement....

Tom15: I get to call Paramount!

Mike03: Dramatic... Shatner-like... pause.

Crow03: How... appropriate... for a Star... Trek story.

Mike04: Whoa! What happened to the "self-evident" part?

Crow04: Ratliff is getting fickle in his old age.

Mike09: The ellipsis is the text file equivalent of humming because you
forgot the words.

Tom06: [singing] We know this much is truth....

Crow13: Ohhhh! Somebody forgot a big chunk of the Declaration of
Independence.

Tom13: Guess who didn't pay attention to his "Schoolhouse Rock."

Mike11: Unless they're aliens, of course.
Mike09: Which is kinda ironic, considering all the aliens in "Star Trek."

Crow09: ...All with the same prosthetic foreheads.

Tom09: And a rock to wind a string around.

Crow15: HEY! He lifted out my favorite part.

Mike15: It's a dark day when Stephen Ratliff sees fit to edit Thomas
Jefferson.

Mike07: Oh, and a Good Llama.

Tom12: And the right to write bad fanfics.

Tom08: Requires us to quit reading this fanfic. Good night, everybody!

Mike01: The tobbaco lobby.

Tom11: Donations from the tobacco lobby.

Mike06: ...or the fear of the government's soldiers, imprisonment,
torture....

Crow09: What about the unanimous consent of the governed?

Tom09: You realize, L. Neil, that only a handful of people out there will
actually get that reference.

Crow09: Yeah, and we're all gonna form a Gallatinist parliament, you got
a problem with that, Baron von Richthofen?

Mike09: A new mid-season sitcom, starring Bobcat Goldthwait.

Crow12: Even more destructive government!

Mike11: [as Michael Palin] It's...

Tom08: Oooo! Ooo! Can I grammarflame him?

Mike08: Easy, Tom. He's probably just getting warmed up.

Crow09: Or principals.

Tom09: Hidden Valley Junior High faculty leads anti-government rebellion.
Film at 11.

Mike12: Until election time.

Tom11: That is, the safety and happiness of the government. Screw the
plebes.
Tom07: Hey, we need a verb here.

Crow13: Isn't this the part that Jefferson ripped off from Thomas Paine?

Mike13: Shhhh! School kids aren't allowed to know that until they go to
college.

Crow13: Oh. Sorry.

Tom14: "Safety and Happiness." That's a good name for a
COUNTER-counter-cultural rock band.

Mike04: [as Lennon, singing] "... won't you come out to play?"

Tom07: [as Snagglepuss] Or changed, even.
Tom03: Ahem. Shouldn't that be *"changed"*?

Mike03: No, that's the way the Declaration originally was.

Bots03: Really??!

Mike03: No, not really, I just wanted you to be quiet about the grammar
for once.

Crow09: Which explains the downfall of "New Coke."

Mike10: But they have to be rotated every 3,000 miles anyway.

Mike09: That would be blues legend and noted revolutionary Jojo "Long
Train" Clements.

All08: A Sooooooooul Train!

Tom10: Namely, destabilizing the "Must-See TV" lineup.

Crow08: To a story that reads like rubbish.

Mike04: ...it might get you a guest spot on Montel!

Crow05: Booze for all.

Tom05: This message brought to you by the Booze Council, which reminds
you that violently overthrowing the government goes better with
booze.

Tom04: [as announcer] In the future, security won't have to wear red
shirts.

Tom11: You know, I never quite thought that I'd be riffing on the
Declaration of Independence.

Mike11: Ratliff takes you the strangest places.

Tom09: [British] Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

Crow10: From now on the entire government will be Dave Barry. I want to
be Commissioner of Pop-Tarts.

Mike01: The Prime Directive!

Crow01: Logic!

Tom05: Science!

Mike05: Physics!

Crow05: The intelligence of its viewers!

Mike10: History!

Tom10: Culture!

Crow10: Continuity!

Mike10: Common sense!

Mike12: [as Starfleet] Colonies? What colonies? I don't see any
colonies around here?

Mike10: In a tasteful display, mind you.
Mike13: Just the facts, ma'am.

Crow15: Does this mean he's admitting the Federation is a bunch of
imperialists?

Mike15: Nah. He's parroting.

Tom15: <parrot whistle> Polly want fair taxation. <squawk>

Mike01: Starfleet been dissing me and th' gang.

Crow12: [falsetto] Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope!

Mike02: To be fair, their representatives spent most of the time hitting
on the Vulcan ambassador....

Tom04: We also ordered a carton of apostrophes. What terrible service!
Tom13: [as Maquis] We keep calling their technical support line, and they
always transfer us to the sales department.

Crow03: [as Federation] Hey, we sent down twenty technicians in red shirts.
You saying they weren't any help?

Tom07: [as Maquis] Help!

Mike07: [as Federation] No, I can't hear you! [Sticks fingers in ears
and hums loudly.]

Mike10: Oh quit complaining. It's just Canada!

Tom12 : But you just said you *wanted* another government.

Mike13: Aw, come on. "Slave for a Day" isn't about repression. It's
about charity.
Mike11: "With out"? Ratliff can't even cut and paste text properly.

Mike10: ...to stuff that looks like Star Trek people designed it.

Tom03: Ah yes, the famous Boston Tea, Earl Grey, Hot Party.

Crow15: What do you mean I'm not allowed to buy a "Babylon 5" shirt?

Mike15: [man-in-black voice] Why buy that when these "Voyager" shirts
are so lovely? Isn't Janeway cute?

Tom11: We can't even buy periods!

Crow13: No more Frederick's of Hollywood catalogs? That's the last
straw!

Crow07: They have given us the mother of all wedgies.

Mike08: They have shut down our unofficial Web sites.

Tom08: They have shown reruns in midseason.

Crow08: They have kept us from tearing up this fanfic.

Mike04: Unfortunately, they have not restricted the "bads" we can write.

Tom09: Led by that infamous Cardassian, Gul Pancho Villa.
Tom02: [as Maquis] They have forced us to terrorize the bandits and
their cruel neighbors....

Mike13: [as Flanders] Howdelee doodelee, neighbor. How about a Parcheesi
tournament?

Tom13: Wow. That *is* cruel.

Crow14: Yup. Ratliff really PC'd up the ol' Declaration.

Crow06: Damn that Brady Bill!

Mike07: Well, okay, it was just a five day waiting period, but sometimes
you just gotta fight an oppressive Federation RIGHT THEN!
Mike04: I can just see a poster of Ratliff with the caption: "I'm the NRA."

Mike02: Haven't these people heard of the Ferengi?
Mike03: [matronly] Now, children, don't play with those phasers in the
house.
Mike13: I'm sorry, you *can't* have a thermonuclear bomb for "duck
hunting" without a permit.

Mike15: The planet killer's just for hunting and home defense. Really!

Crow04: Yet mysteriously, those who defended themselves from a seated
position remain unscathed.

Mike12: It's no fun to hunt the ones who just lay there.

Tom13: "She says the jungle ... it just came alive and took him!"

Mike02: [as John Cleese] This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

Mike03: They have hunted down the soldiers who went in to save the
soldiers who went in to save the soldiers who went in to....
Mike09: They have hunted down those among us who supported those among
us who supported the other people who we mentioned just afore.

Mike13: Duck season!

Crow13: Rabbit season!

Mike13: Duck season!

Crow13: Rabbit season!

Mike13: Rabbit season!

Crow13: Duck season!

Tom10: Told you Disney would screw up ABCNews.

Crow13: [as Federation] We sent you Geraldo. What more do you want?
Crow03: You mean they didn't hunt down the press? What a shocker!

Mike05: The Neutral Zone.

Tom05: The End Zone.

Crow05: The Twilight Zone.

Mike11: [as Rod Serling] Beyond this door lies a dimension of plot holes.
A place where the most implausible events become reality. You have
now entered ... The Ratliff Zone.

Tom11: [Hums the Torgo theme.]

Mike01: And over acted.

Crow01: And inbred.

Tom03: Shouldn't "in acted" be "enacted"?

Crow03: No, inaction is what this here fanfic is all about.

Mike04: Ah, Berkeley --- home of the famous Student Act-Ins.

Mike13: [British accent] Darling, it's the book-of-the-month club. They
say we've won the M-4 motorway.

Tom10: They have enforced rules about plagiarism.

Mike08: They have left the toilet seat up for the last time.

Mike12: Lather, rinse, abuse, repeat.

Tom12: That's why they had to enslave you!
Tom13: However, they are fit to rule a military-industrial complex.

Tom11: Wait a minute. Is Ratliff trying to make us feel compassion for
the antagonists?

Crow11: Well, he's already made us hate Marrissa.

Crow14: [falsetto] Hey, big fella!

Mike04: The above sentence demonstrates one of the most alarming facts
about our founding fathers.

Tom04: What, that they had slaves?

Crow04: ... Flew kites in the rain, risking electrocution?

Mike04: No --- that you can sing almost anything they said to the refrain
of Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal."

Tom07: [falsetto] Honey, you never pay attention to me anymore.

Crow10: The Principle of Random capitaliZation.

Tom07: Ah, the old boy network.

Mike10: Family reunions are awkward enough without dragging politics into
it, though.

Crow04: We have maintained their archaic Custom of capitalizing Nouns in
the middle of Sentences without due Cause; and in Usurpation of
modern Usage.

Tom10: Who'd have known the future would write in archaic styles?

Mike11: Played by Janet Jackson.

Tom08: Well, they *are* Viacom.

Crow07: I can't hear you! La-la-la-la!

Mike06: With a no-fault divorce to follow.

Tom11: The reverse *would* be rather strange.

Mike08: Brothers in Arms.

Crow08: Babes in Toyland.

Tom08: Strangers in Paradise.

Crow06: ... and Nodding Acquaintances in Cold-War Tension.

Mike13: Tomorrow, on Jenny Jones: Enemies in War, Friends in Peace, and
the Women who Love Them.

Tom13: And Major Mistake.

Crow08: And in General Disorder.

Crow02: I was wondering when Marrissa would make an appearance.

Crow13: Oliver Wendell Holmes?

Tom13: Lance Ito?

Mike13: Judge Dredd.

Bots13: OhHHHHHhhh.

Crow09: [as Rainman] Yeah. Wapner's on at four. Definitely.

Mike09: Remember, friends, if you have a dispute with a foreign galactic
empire, don't take the law into your own hands. Take them to
court!

Tom09: Also Dave and Ernie, too.
Tom03: Winding up for a big finish, aren't they?

Crow10: Specifically, Delaware. Well, the name's available....

Mike11: You know ... things.

Tom10: Like have Official State Dinosaurs and export prisoners to Texas
and stuff.

Mike13: If every Independent State jumped off a cliff, would you?

Mike08: [as Maquis] So eat our dust!

Tom08: [as Maquis] Yeah! No more Mr. Nice Colonies!

Mike03: Hey, look! A period at the end of that sentence!

Crow03: This is history, Mike, it doesn't *have* to be written well.

Crow09: Gene Roddenberry?

Crow07: Oh, and a monthly alimony check.

Mike12: And our Credit Card Numbers.

Tom09: Well, you gotta give Ratliff credit. If you're gonna crib, you
might as well crib from the best.

Tom15: Apparently this isn't the draft of the Declaration with the words
"Nanny-nanny boo-boo" in it....

Crow13: Meanwhile, Thomas Jefferson is doing laps in his grave and
cursing Stephen Ratliff's ancestry.

Mike13: UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT
information is ENCOURAGED.

Tom13: If he's in college, why was he thanking people in his high school
and *elementary* school??

Mike13: Remember ... "It's only a fanfic."

Tom13: [quietly] It's only a fanfic.... It's only a fanfic....

Mike08: Now, *that's* just scary.

Mike04: "That one looks like a dragon."
- stoned comment of Cmdr. Spock,

ST:TOS

Crow13: Stephen Ratliff recognizes sarcasm. Film at 11.

Mike09: I thought they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

Crow09: I hope not, 'cause I've got two tickets to paradise.

Tom09: Actually, if you look real close, you can see paradise by the
dashboard light....

Crow01: It's over? Yes! And to think, barring the spelling and grammar,
this one wasn't all that badly written! [Crow01 gets up to leave.]

Mike01: [Leans close to Crow01 and whispers loudly] Uh, Crow....
Remember, this is just the prologue. It hasn't even started yet.

Crow01: *What*?! *NOOOO*!!!!
[Crow01's head explodes, and the proximity causes Mike01's head to explode!
Bits of springs and wires now stick out of the heads of Tom01, Crow01, and
Mike01, and they remain unmoving.]

Mike08: You know, I understand the gag reflex much better now.

Mike09: [as narrator] Your guide through this storyline.

Tom09: Also known as, "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here."

Tom08: Sooo, it's "Maqui" now? By the end of the story, it's gonna be
"Margarine" or something.

Crow08: Better check the warranty on the proofreader, Stephen.

Mike15: With no "S" at the end like before. We must be very clear on that.

Mike08: Huh. Doesn't look any more promising when you repeat it.

Tom08: Or any less frightening.

Mike08: Stargazer? But....

Crow08: Don't go there, Nelson.

Crow09: Have you tried the Stargazer Fruit Chews? They're really pretty
good.

Tom15: [singing] We'll keep hope alive with our StarGazers.

Tom13: Countdown to disaster!
Tom12: Is that the sequel to "9 1/2 Weeks"?

Tom08: Oh, so the story's drowning already.

Mike08: Well, that'll happen.

Tom02: "Blub"? As in crying?

Crow02: Why not? We cry when we read this.

Mike06: Uh oh. Do you think Ratliff's been getting ideas from
"Independence Day"?

Crow06: If this fanfic has Randy Quaid in it, I am *leaving*!

Mike08: The readers declare frustration and try to steal some shuteye.
Mike09: Naturally, "Hi-jinx ensues."

Tom09: I thought it was "Hilarity abounds."

Crow09: No, no, no, it's "Zaniness erupts."

Crow13: Using plot holes big enough to drive a semi through.
Crow07: So, there's a lot of trying in this, huh?
Crow08: And fail! Pleasepleaseplease....
Crow12: She's unable to, so she just kills them all.

Mike02: Now there goes any hope for suspense.

Crow02: There was never any hope for suspense.

Crow15: And now, Ratliff summarizes great works of literature:

Mike15: [as Ratliff] Moby Dick, by Herman Melville: Some guy who's
ticked at a whale.

Tom15: [as Ratliff] Hamlet, by William Shakespere: A guy's sad about
stuff and everyone dies in the end.

Tom04: Backward!

Crow04: I buried Paul!

Mike08: [as Billy Crystal] And thank you for bringing up such a
painful subject....

Crow08: I don't think that's anybody's business but yours.

Mike08: Crow, I'm proud of you.

Crow08: Even *I* didn't want to try any other angle with that one.

All04: [singing] Round, round, get around --- I get around....
All14: [singing] Round, round, get around --- I get around....

Crow09: Yeah, so has influenza.

All02: \
All08: - [pause] Naaaaah, too easy.
All14: /

Tom13: [ghostly voice] Doooon't yoooou believe it!

Mike12: He'd almost *have* to.

Tom15: Getting worse could signal the heat-death of the universe....

Crow13: No, Stephen, you don't. You really don't.

Mike15: Who wants to tell him?

Bots15: Me! OOoh! Me!

Tom02: [as Ed Koch] How'm I doing? How'm I doing? How'm I doing?

Mike04: Glad you asked, Stephen. Several of your progress reports can

be found here: http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/

Tom08: Well, that won't take long.

Tom13: Liked --- the fact that it ended. Disliked --- the fact that it
started. Hated --- EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!!

Crow09: Rotten eggs?

Mike09: Check.

Tom09: Beakers of Nitro?

Mike09: Check.

Crow09: Llama Scat?

Mike09: Check.

Tom09: Hospital Food?

Mike09: Oh, now, let's not be cruel, Servo.

Mike04: He misspelled his own name again. It's RatLIFF.

Tom15: Rec.arts.tv.mating.marmoset?

Crow09: Runny, Awful, Tiny Mushy Mangoes?

Mike09: Red Army Tanks, Minus Men?

Tom09: Ratliff's Animosity Towards My Mission?

Crow09: Shouldn't that be "Twoards"?

All13: All hail ratmm!

Crow13: Who's ratmm, anyway?

Mike13: I dunno, but if it's critical of Ratliff, it's a friend of ours.

Tom08: You mean it hasn't even STARTED yet?

Crow08: We've been through ten of these so far, and I have yet to see
one that starts before Part 2.

Mike08: Or Part 10, for that matter.

Crow07: Reposted?!? Wasn't the first time enough?
Crow08: This thing's gonna rerun more often than "Stewardess School"!

Tom08: NOTHING reruns more often than "Stewardess School."

Tom02: Remind me to shoot myself on Mondays.
Tom13: Is that a warning or a threat?

Crow15: He plans to cause death and havoc on every Tuesday.

Mike15: [as Tom Baker] Really? How vulgar. No one does anything of
importance on a Tuesday.

Crow09: [singing, as Bob Hope] And FAQs --- for the memories....
Crow13: FAQ #1: WHY IS STEPHEN RATLIFF ALLOWED TO WRITE???

Mike04: "Jimmy boy, have you ever had a real mint julep?"
- stoned comment of Dr. McCoy,

ST:TOS

Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu?

Crow15: Not really....

[cut to commercials]

=========================== part 2/6 ===============================

[return from commercials]

Crow09: So I guess we get this whole shmear every time?

Tom09: Looks that way....

Tom13: First Noble? Mike, this just doesn't parse!

Tom14: [as TV-Guide] One-half star....
Tom08: [foaming at mouth] It's BLURB! BLURB, I tell you!

Mike08: Easy, Tom.

Crow08: Readers declare boredom.

Tom08: [as announcer] Guest-starring Gerald McRaney as Marrissa.

Mike08 and Crow08: HUH?

Tom09: [as "blub"] Millions die, and Marrissa gets promoted to Supreme
Dictator-for-Life.

Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu?

Crow15: Not really....

Mike08: They say that ratmm is one bad...

Tom08: Shut yo' MOUTH!

Mike08: But I'm just talkin' 'bout ratmm.

Crow08: I can dig it.

Crow09: Rented "Animaniacs" Tapes Might Melt?

Mike09: Righteous Alabamians Trample Mississippi Mud?

Tom09: Rec.Arts.TV.MST3K.Misc?

Crow09: Ah, don't be silly, Servo.

All06: THANK GOD!!!

Crow08: Not a GOOD work of fiction, by any stretch of the imagination,
but a work of fiction, nonetheless.

Tom08: You could make a good case that this is in fact nonfiction.

Mike08: HUH?

Tom08: Fiction is supposed to be plausible.

Mike08 and Crow08: Aaaah.

Mike08: Inappropriately.

Tom08: Any resemblance to a coherent story is probably misapplied.
Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu?

Crow15: Not really....

Mike08: Everything else is property of Marrissa.

Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu?

Crow15: Not really....

Mike15: Ok, we've run that joke into the mire....

Tom12: The Armageddon.

Mike07: ... in which Pip visits Miss Havisham and learns a Secret.

Tom11: Your Honor, the author pleads guilty of chapter in the first degree.

Crow08: Oh, so it's starting.

Tom08: Not necessarily.

Crow10: Better settle in. Maybe get a sandwich or something.

Tom15: Oh, dear, she's been promoted!

Crow15: Again.

Crow12: Rights.

Tom10: But she failed to secure a warrant first and the case was thrown
out of court.

Tom09: Miranda Richardson?

Crow09: ... leading a fleet composed of the USS Helen Mirren, USS Vanessa
Redgrave, and USS Joan Plowright.

Mike08: [as T'Gwen] Marrissa noticed me! I'm alive!

Tom06: Nice to know that *someone's* not beneath Marrissa's notice
here....

Tom14: [as Marrissa] Get out of my command chair!

Tom08: [as T'Gwen] Damn! I was hoping you wouldn't take me seriously.

Crow06: You were expecting, maybe, Dr. Livingstone?
Crow13: You were expecting, maybe, Dr. Livingstone?

Tom15: You presume too much, Mister Bond....

Crow10: You know, when you presume, you make a pres out of... uh... oh,
wrong one....

Tom10: [as T'Gwen] But I... uh... have to wax the cat so I'll just see you
later, okay? Bye. That alarm that says "warp core breach" is just
broken, it's been like that all week. Don't think about it.

Crow06: Hikeeba!

Tom06: Zimbata!

Crow10: Miranda Zimbata Jingleheimer-Schmidt.

Tom05: Ah, but I love Ratliff's naturalistic dialogue.

Tom13: Wasn't that an album by The Police --- "Zimbata Mondatta"?

Mike13: Zenyatta, not Zimbata.

Tom08: [singing] Hakuna Zimbata...

Mike08: [singing] He's still in a daze...

Crow08: [singing] He'll regret his involvement...

Tom08: [singing] For the rest of his days.

Crow03: Say, is T'Gwen a masculine name or a feminine one?

Mike03: Possibly T'Gwen is a hermaphrodite.

Mike15: [as Marrissa] Commander Whatshisface. The alien type guy....
Mike08: At the risk of sounding like a fanboy, HUH?

Crow13: Of course not. In *this* story, all commands are turned over to
underqualified minors.
Crow11: [as Marrissa] You know, that would be a pity. The last person
who removed me from command had this unfortunate ... accident.

All09: Gesundheit!

Crow09: It's "Syntax-a-Poppin'" week here at Ratliff Central.

Tom14: [as T'Gwen] We tried phoning Gusat to explain all this, but the
lines were busy.

Tom03: Hmmm, what? Is there more than one Washington in this story?

Crow03: That explains it, T'Gwen's a group entity. One female and one male.

Tom11: I'm not even going to *try* to parse that last sentence.

Mike11: It's really quite easy. T'Gwen was supposed to hand command of the
Stargazer over to Gusat, but T'Gwen can't do that since she isn't
in command of the Stargazer. And because T'Gwen can't make the
transfer of command because Marrissa's in command, she's leaving
Marrissa in command.

Tom11: Thanks, Mike. It's all clear to me now. [Starts shivering]

Tom15: What the...??? Trying to puzzle that thing out's giving me a
headache.

Mike15: Don't think, you'll enjoy it more.

Crow15: Ah, the Brannon Braga theory of television production....

Crow07: [as Marrissa] Oh poopie.

Tom02: Another dribbling plot device to put Marrissa in charge.

Mike15: [dully] They've placed Marrissa in command again. What a surprise.

Crow08: [as Church Lady] How conveeeeeeeeeeenient.

Tom06: Let me see if I've got this straight. Since "Captain Washington
of the Stargazer" is in command of another ship at the moment,
she's become a completely different person?

Crow06: Does *anybody* here think that it wouldn't be just as easy for
First Officer Gusat to be having this conversation with Captain
Washington?

Mike10: This isn't a galactic organization so much as it is a high school
student council.

Crow13: No, it's a STARship! Heh heh heh.

Mike06: [as Marrissa] In fact, it'll be kinda neat to have the
Stargazer's crew under my thumb again.

Crow12: [as Marrissa] I'm just gonna run out and kill some things.

Tom09: [as Marrissa] Oh, all right, Captain, I'll command your puny
vessel for a while longer, but I want that dreadnought here in a
week, or heads will roll!

Crow07: Cardassian Central? Hey, that'd be funnier than---

Mike07: Shh, you're not supposed to know about that.

Mike13: They like the way its skin-tight design leaves nothing to the
imagination....

Tom15: Yeah, they want to erase any sense of individual culture as soon as
possible.

Crow15: And I thought the Borg were obsessed with assimilation....

Mike08: And, in a Ratliff story, central to the action.

Tom08: Inaction.

Mike08: Right.

Tom04: [as Marrissa] Today it's Starfleet uniforms. Tomorrow, Starfleet
bobby pins. Give an inch and they take a mile!

Crow11: [as Marrissa] No Starfleet uniform for you. You look much cuter
in a Cardassian uniform.

Mike09: Wait, back up here. Why are there Cardassians on a Starfleet ship
in the first place?

Tom09: The Cardassians need a little civilizin', and Marrissa's just the
gal fer th'job!

Tom06: Why haven't they been told that they *have to* wear Starfleet
uniforms? They're under Starfleet orders on board a Starfleet
vessel.

Mike06: This is Ratliffleet. You need permission from the first officer
to go into second gear.

Crow06: Not to mention changing your underwear.

Crow03: I think T'Gwen's a woman, since they're talking about clothing and
fashion and femme-y stuff like that.

Tom13: Half

Crow13: Half

Mike13: OK, that's enough of that.

Tom04: Intermission? Did they say intermission?

Mike04: No, no --- calm down.

Tom11: Absolutely no one will remain seated duing the intense Dress Code
scene!

Mike15: Yes, everyone wants to cast away their stupid alien cultures and
join the Federation.

Crow15: [announcer voice] The Federation: We're better because the humans
run us.

Tom03: T'Gwen's got to be male. When's the last time you saw a
female Vulcan who wasn't a member of Spock's family?

Tom10: [as Marrissa] Apparently, I'm to be a sacrifice to appease some
war gods or something....

Crow11: [as Marrissa] And a whip! These diplomats can be hard to handle.

Tom04: [announcer voice] But in Marrissa's hands, it becomes a
diplomatic *mal*function! Will the fun never cease? Marrissa
Explains It All...

All04: Here on Nickelodeon!

Mike02: Wow, the great Marrissa forgot something.

Crow02: A moment to be treasured.
Crow09: [as Marrissa] Lessee here, we got the Admiral's Uniform, Battle-
Armor, Borg Costume, Dominatrix Outfit ... What?!? Not one single
Empire Gown in the whole lousy stinking lot?!?!?

Crow10: They're apparently all allergic to actually *saying* anything.

Tom15: Concluded what? *What?* English, Stephen! Do you speak it?!?

Tom08: [as T'Gwen] I thought I'd NEVER get her outta here.

Mike08: She DOES suck the air right out of a room, doesn't she?

Crow03: T'Gwen's gotta be a woman. Marrissa forgets her dress and all
she says is, "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commader," instead of, say,
"Well, why don'tcha forget everything else as well, yuk yuk!"

Mike07: I forgot. What rank is she again?

Tom10: ... practicing her square dancing.

Tom04: ... this presented some difficulty, as she was still wearing it.

Mike04: Luckily, his time in the Obsidian Order prepared him for this
eventuality.

Tom13: ... which meant that she was walking around in the nude and was
about to be arrested.

Mike13: You've read too many of the "Marrissa ogling scenes."

Crow13: [as Jake] Are you spying on me??

Tom09: It's the Sisko kid!
[Mike09 & Crow09 groan.]
Tom09: Oh, like you haven't been thinking the exact same thing since the
show first went on the air.

Tom06: [as Jake] Yes... despite all my best efforts.

Mike09: [as Jake] AHH-H-H-H!!! YOU'RE REAL!!! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!!!!

Mike11: \
Mike12: - [as Jake] No, you Marrissa. Me Jake.
Mike13: /
Mike08:/

Crow13: Tongue kiss.

Mike13: Ewwwwww! That's BEYOND sick!

Crow10: ...in response.

Tom08: [as Jake] I'll be YEARS paying off the loss on this one.

Mike15: I vividly remember the stir it caused when it made Oprah's Book
Club....

Mike09: Everyone had to buy one. I mean, *had* to buy one.

Crow09: So where is your copy of Marrissa's book?!? You are supposed to
have it with you at all times!! GUARDS!! TAKE THEM AWAY!!

Mike06: Oh boy. Now we *know* that Ratliff is living in his own fantasy
world. He actually expects his readers to believe that people
would *pay* to read Marrissa stories!

Tom06: I could see that happening...

Mike06 & Crow06: HUH?!?

Tom06: ... if they were promoted as tales of horror.

Tom14: Ratliff indulging egotistical fantasies. Not a pretty sight.

Crow03: "Marrissa's Story: In Which She Explains Just Why She Always Gets
the Easy Breaks."

Crow08: Because EVERYONE loves Marrissa!

Tom08: And because she's a twelve-year-old girl with a whip and a
phaser.

Mike08: Tom! How could you?!

Tom08: No, I was saying because they'd be... Awww....

Mike10: Pop culture in the 24th century is apparently pretty easily
amused.

Tom10: No wonder they're all fascinated with 20th Century U.S. culture.

Tom13: Only if you're a loser from Radford University. Heh heh.
Tom12: Ratliff, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Mike03: Haven't you written enough Marrissa sequels already?!

Mike08: So Jake is the Michael Crichton of Ratliff's universe.

Tom08: Looks like it.

Mike09: Jake's trying to stay alive by proving he's in some way useful to
Marrissa.

Crow12: [as Marrissa] Wait till the end of this chapter.
Crow14: [as Marrissa] I've only conquered 1/3 of the galaxy yet.
Crow11: [as Marrissa] I've only laid waste to half the galaxy yet.

Tom13: Eckart spelled backwards.

Crow13: What the heck is Eckart?

Mike13: Well, it sounds like "Eckerd" --- a drug store down south.

Tom13: He named an alien race after a DRUG STORE?!?

Crow13: [whiny] I want a new mink coat! I want to go to Miaaaaami!

Mike13: [scolding] That's a very negative stereotype. Shame on you!

Tom13: Yet oddly appropriate.

Mike13: [warningly] Tom!

Crow04: Modesty incarnate.
Crow07: [as Marrissa] Yeah, just everyday humdrum trivia recently.
Crow02: [as Marrissa] At least wait until I'm God of the Universe.

Crow08: [as Jake] You're right. It's not much of a story.

Mike08: Well, *we* could have told him that.

Mike06: [as Jake] Ho hum. Is that all?

Crow06: [as Marrissa] Yeah, same old same old. All these awards get
pretty boring after a while....

Mike11: Even Marrissa seems to want to forget "Time Speeder."

Mike10: Jake, if it weren't for exposition, would you exist at all?

Tom10: Doesn't matter, she'd break into the intercom and tell everyone
if he weren't here.

Mike13: It used the servants' entrance.

Mike06: [as Jake] Especially when you've got a whole bank of photon
torpedoes locked onto it.

Tom11: [as Jake] Then again, my aim sucks.

Crow13: That's true. I miss it already. [breaks down, crying] Oh, how I
miss it!

Mike13: [patting Crow13] There, there.

Tom08: *Please* tell me that he's not hitting on her.

Mike08: He's not hitting on her.

Tom08: Thanks.

Mike08: I hope.

Mike10: [as Marrissa] No, I'm here on a space station...oh, wait...oh.

Tom13: [as Marrissa] Sort of. Galactic domination is kind of a hobby
with me.

Tom15: [as announcer] Come visit sunny Deep Space Nine, Ground Zero for
an imminent Dominion invasion.

Crow15: [as announcer] Go home with plenty of pictures and a body count....

Tom06: [as Marrissa] It was the only way they could get rid of me.

Mike10: ZIP 07746-2305.

Crow10: UPC 59800 21742.

Tom10: ISBN 0-89954-995-0.

Crow03: [as Marrissa] And you, I understand, are now the head barman in
Ten Forward. And I've heard that your parents have gotten night
jobs as private eyes while they continue to work at DS9 during the
day. Aren't these long stretches of expository text just wonderful?

Mike15: Fighter commander?

Tom15: When did these ships get fighters?

Crow15: Probably something he stole from "Babylon 5." It's becoming
required at Paramount these days.

Mike10: [as Jake] My head will be clogged full of pointless baseball
anecdotes.

Mike04: Playing with discarded munitions and so forth.

Tom08: Yep ... Demilitarized Zones: Family fun for everyone!

Crow13: The Demilitarized Zone! A place to relax from the stresses of the
work day.
Crow11: Yes, choose death! Death, the greatest adventure of them all!
This message was brought to you by the Death Council.

Tom12: [quietly] I'd rather she was sent to the dematerialized zone.

Tom06: But they won't know what trouble *is* until they've taken
Professor Johnson's English class....

Mike08: Actually, the FEDERATION has problems with the Intrepid class.

Mike13: [as Marrissa] Blue Angels, bite me!

Tom13: [in awe] Mike just said "bite me"!

Crow13: Our plan is working.

Tom08: But can they do the Kessel run in twelve parsecs?

Mike03: [as Marrissa] It wasn't destructive enough at first, so I rewired
it. More power!! Arrh arrh arrh!

Tom03: T'Gwen might be a female, but I'm not so sure about Marrissa.

Crow10: SX-10? Isn't that the portable version of the Commodore 64 that
nobody bought?

Crow15: Marrissa designed her own fighters?

Tom15: Well, lowest bidder and all....

Mike15: [as Ralph Nader] The Essex-10, unsafe at any velocity!

Mike14: [as Jake] I promise I won't sell classified material to the
Dominion or nothing.

Crow06: [as Marrissa] And because it's you, Jake, I won't even bother to
edit out any classified information from the recording.

Mike06: After the success of DOOM, all fighters came with a -record
{filename}.lmp feature built in....

All02: Traitor! Traitor!

Tom08: [as announcer] Treason: It's what's hot!
Tom04: [as Ratliff] Yes --- they're a group of freedom fighters I
invented. I simply altered the spelling of "Maquis." Much like
the word "Tracke" is derived from "Crappe," a common French
perjorative.

Tom13: Enterprized, A Gul's Revenge, Cadet Cruise....

Crow07: [as Jake] Plus, my invisible friend Bunky is a Marqui.
Crow03: Oh, so Jake's the author of the famous "Johnny Maquaine." See,
'cause it's like "Johnny Tremaine" but different... heh... uh,
never mind.

All09: Gesundheit!

Mike10: [as Jake] And look! He's wearing your new dress!

Tom04: [as Garak] No, my name is Garak. I am a simple tailor whose job
it is to mend... to alter... to repair --- yet I find myself
hampered by this young lady's incessant movements.

Mike04: Good Garak, Tom.

Tom04: [bows as best he can; almost tips over]

Crow09: [as Marrissa] And for that, you must die!

Tom04: [as Garak] No! Wait! I'm not done yet!
Tom08: [as Marrissa] I don't have much time to subjugate him to my will....

Crow06: [as Marrissa] But come and see me later. I could use a kid like
you in my organization.

Tom09: If everybody in the galaxy owns five copies of her book, why does
she need to introduce herself?
Tom13: [as Marrissa] Hi, I'm Marrissa, and I'll be your annoying twit
for the evening.

Mike15: She doesn't even know what her first officer looks like?

Crow15: Marrissa Picard --- she just doesn't care....

Crow14: Hey, that's dirty!

Mike14: It's a gambling game, Crow.

Crow14: Oh.... Never mind.

Mike09: I could go for a little Olivia D'Abo myself.

Crow04: Olivia or Maryam?

Mike04: And don't call her little --- she's got Q powers.

Tom04: Yeah --- she'll probably smite you or cast you out or something.

All09: Gesundheit!

Mike08: Not a *word*, Crow.

Crow12: That's just too easy. I'm not gonna say it.

Tom06: [as Marrissa] But you'll have to wait until hell freezes over
before I'll let you actually give me orders.

Crow09: I wonder what the Cardassian term for "Ritual Suicide" is?

Tom09: "Marrissa."

Mike06: [as Gusat] Now you're an easy target for my disruptor....

Tom11: [as Gusat] I've been waiting to smack you in the face ever
since....

Mike11: [interrupting Tom11] Let's not build our hopes up too high,
shall we?

Tom10: Even as we speak, James Blish is rising from the grave to assault
Stephen Ratliff.

Mike10: Good.

Mike07: [as Gusat] No, but I've read a few crappy fanfics about you.

Crow08: [as Gusat] No, this is the first time we've meet, but I'm sure
we'll met again.

Mike08: Did Ratliff PAY that proofreader?

Tom02: As well as the rest of us.
Tom06: Especially the readers!

Mike11: Especially the readers!
Mike03: Oh no. Not a flashback...?!!

Mike10: Oh, Ducat read that Marrissa biography too?

Tom13: Ducat read the Marrissa fanfic series!

Tom14: [as Marrissa] And subjugate him, like I do *all* adults in my
presence.

Mike07: [as Marrissa] And crush his soul under my heel, hee hee hee!
Mike06: [as Marrissa] Humiliation is fun! I don't see why anyone would
make such a big deal out of it....

Crow09: [as Marrissa] I usually charge for inducing madness.
Humiliation's just a hobby, y'know? It's this little thing I do.
Crow11: [as Marrissa] Public humiliation of others is *all* I ever want.
I have no other motivation for existence! Well, that, and telling
others what to do. Oh yeah, and killing people.

Crow12: [as Marrissa] Did he really mind the dog collar that much?

Mike08: I thought just his being in the story was humiliation enough.

Tom06: [as evil Chekov] You go bonkers, and we *all* move up in rank!

Mike11: So when someone above you goes nuts, you get promoted?

Tom11: I think Ratliff has finally explained Marrissa's rapid rise
through the ranks.
Tom13: Nothing like provoking a little insanity in your commanding
officer for personal gain.

Crow14: Ah yes, a Captain goes mad and every single ensign under him
becomes a lieutenant. I can see that.

Crow08: [as Gusat] You *must* permit me to drive one of your leaders
out of his or her mind sometime....

Mike09: [as Gusat] Thank you for spreading insanity through the galaxy
--- just please, don't hurt me!

Crow04: [singing] Forever....

Tom11: [as Marrissa] Yeah, putting spikes and razor blades in it. I
almost cut my tongue off.

All08: Eeewwwwwww!

All08: Whew!

Crow04: [as Marrissa] But after several mandatory Beverage Diversity
seminars, I'm now far more tolerant.

Mike06: [as Marrissa] But now my fourteen-year-old liver and I can booze
it up with the best of them!

Crow02: [as Marrissa] But now I can pack 'em away just like Admiral Scott.
Crow08: [as Marrissa] Now, of course, I can drink like a fish.

Mike03: Aaargh! Stop threatening us with these flashbacks!

Mike15: Oh.

Tom15: And the scene just kinda peters out....

Tom04: Wasn't Jeff Bridges' character in "Fearless" allergic to
strawberries?

Crow04: Indeed --- and wasn't Marrissa just speaking of strawberry soda?

Tom04: And wasn't John DeLancie in "Fearless"?

Mike04: Eerie, guys, really eerie.

Mike13: [singing] You say the hill's too steep to cliiiimb....

Tom13: I think that's a little obscure, even for you, Nelson.

Crow12: It was having a Kit-Kat bar.
Crow15: Just kicking back with a few brewskies, whistling at cute
freighters as they pass by....

Crow03: So the Fearless ship is Intrepid.

Tom03: No, the Intrepid ship is the Fearless.

Mike07: [as Ellis] Go have fun, you crazy kids!

Tom04: [as elderly Kirk in "Deadly Years"] Greenhome... up there...
on my bridge... running my ship!

Mike11: Drink More Zima?

Tom11: Dark Marrissa Zero?

Crow11: Data's Manly Zones?

Mike11: Crow!

Tom15: [as Ellis] You're going to go down there and have fun or I'll
have you shot.

Crow15: What kind of idiot goes for R-and-R in a DMZ?

Mike15: I smell a Ratliff plot device....

Mike06: [as the Fonz] Aaaaayyyyyy, Pazzi! Where's Ralph Malph?

Crow04: "Doctor Francis Pazzi." Hmm. That's an anagram of "I'd scan
for ROTC pizza."

Mike04: What's an ROTC pizza?

Tom04: A Viidian reserve officer?

Mike04: Someone beamed the pepperoni straight out of Neelix's mouth!

Crow04: And they split B'Elena into two distinct entities.

Tom04: Free Kazon crazy bread with every order!

Mike04: Okay, enough.

Crow04: Just a phage we're going through.
[Group groan, laced with pride.]

Crow10: Because, yes, Seina was that stupid.

Tom13: Just to prove he can make poor decisions like Jean-Luc Picard.

Mike12: [as Seina] If Picard can do it, so can I.

Mike07: Yeah, shore leave is such a drag.

Tom08: How DARE they presume upon the Captain to have fun?!

Mike08: I'm glad you didn't take the obvious joke there.

Tom08: I think we all can be glad of that.

Crow08: Those who had pissed Doctor Pazzi off.
Crow10: All the ones with talent.
Crow13: [as Pazzi] No, Lieutenant Johnson does *not* need shore leave!
[muttering] Steal Betty Lou away from me, will you?

Mike04: I want to make a "Giant Rabbit" reference, but I can't decide on
what.

Tom15: I think we've stretched plausibility so far that it's snapped back
and taken out an eye....

Crow09: Ken Stabler?

Crow15: How do they know?

Mike15: The ship has "Marqui raider" painted on the side in fluorescent
orange.

Mike13: [as ensign] He's offering to play a Deathmatch in Quake.

Crow11: A nameless ensign? He's gone!

All14: Hail little Caesar!

Mike08: Warn them out of this fanfic!

Tom08: Gee, Nelson, thanks for not taking the obvious joke.

Mike08: Heyyyy!

Crow06: [as Eddington] Are you decent?
Crow10: [as Eddington] Is my name British enough?

Mike14: Back for a cameo, ladies and gentlemen, Commander Michael
Eddington.

Bots14: [cheering crowd noises]

All13: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Crow03: [false-cheery tone] Oh, I just LOVE Ratliff's brilliant strokes
of humor.

Tom15: Not since Oscar Wilde and Tom Stoppard has such witty banter
been seen....

Crow07: These are the yolks, folks.

Mike11: Wow! This ship must be under constant yellow alert!

Bots11: [Cringe at the lousy pun]

Mike04: There's a Tyson Foods reference in here somewhere --- I can just
feel it.

Crow04: After all, Marrissa is friends with the Clintons.

Tom08: Hey, I think Ratliff is introducing TREACHERY to his stories.

Mike08: Well, he's been betraying readers for years now.

Mike09: Well, the way Herzog ran it, I'm not surprised.

Tom06: [as computer] Unable to comply. There is a Lieutenant
Commander Eddington aboard, but no Captain Eddington.

Tom11: Orders? Looks more like disorders to me.
Tom13: [as computer] Big Mac and large fries processed. Would you like
fries with that?

Crow15: Oh, that was easy.

Tom15: Something tells me they've got a firewall made out of tissue paper.

Mike10: This wouldn't have happened if they watched "Good Morning America."
I saw them do a special report on how to keep this from happening
to your vehicle.

Mike04: Um... is that supposed to be ominous?

Tom08: [as computer] And from now on, *I* will be known as "Magic Voice."

Mike04: "To... breathe... again!"
- orgasmic comment of Capt. Kirk,

ST:TOS

Mike08: Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee.

Crow05: I bet he wants to leave this fanfic, though.

Mike15: Use some new stock footage, Ratliff!!!


[The text freezes on the screen. All of the replicants remain seated,
but Cambot backs up through the hallway.]

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]

[We see Crow sitting behind the main console, surrounded by various
pictures and props. Tom Servo is in the foreground wearing a black
beret and holding a megaphone, looking very directorial.]

TOM: OK, Mr. Graves, we've got a lot of Biography bumpers to shoot
here, so let's get going.

CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves, for "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves.
All this month on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, we'll be running
a 42-part serial devoted to the life of Marrissa Amber Flores Picard
Gordon Crusher Troi Burton Deutschmarx Overholt de la Cristo
Fortensky, better known to the galaxy --- like Cher, Madonna, and
Charro before her --- simply as "Marrissa." At the tender age of 14,
Marrissa's first biography inexplicably sold over five trillion
copies, more than the entire sentient population of the known galaxy.
We're certainly hoping to duplicate that success here on "A&E

Biography" with Peter Graves. But it still raises many questions.
Why would Marrissa's biography be so overwhelmingly popular, in a
world where many great writings go unpurchased, such as the wonderful
screenplay by my close personal friend, Crow T. Robot, "Peter Graves
at the University of Minnesota"? An outrage for which the Hollywood
community should feel a great deal of shame --- for itself, and for
its callous treatment of Mr. Robot, a brilliant young screenwriter
chewed up and spit out by the Hollywood money machine, a...

TOM: Please stay on script, Mr. Graves!

CROW: [coughs] Ahem. So join us, please, as we delve into the
mystery that is Marrissa, on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. For
"A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, I'm Peter Graves.

TOM: OK, we'll clean that up in editing. Keep the camera rolling.
Let's go folks, let's go!

[Mike briefly holds in front of the camera a chalkboard saying,
"'A&E Biography' with Peter Graves / Bumper 2 / Take 1".]

[As Mike pulls the chalkboard away, Cambot treats us to the music and
the wavy, out-of-focus visual effect indicating the passage of time.
When he comes back into focus, Mike's chalkboard reads, "Bumper 4 /
Take 3."]

TOM: Action!

CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves. Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter
Graves ... "Disaster!" The seminal moment of Marrissa's rise to
power was her discovery of Ratliff gas, first created by a
malfunction in the Enterprise turbolift, her mutant ability to detect
it and her immunity from its effects. The effect of Ratliff gas
is seen as not only is Captain Picard moved to sing, but to sing the
most stereotypical song a Frenchman could sing, "Frere Jacques"....

[Crow's voice fades out amidst more music and wavy, out-of-focus
camera effects. Focus returns.]

CROW: ...continued experimenting with Ratliff gas. We see its

devastating effects in this clip in which Mr. Data and Ambassador
Spock --- two of the galaxy's most eminently logical beings ---
discuss why an untrained twelve-year-old girl should be given
command of the Federation's most advanced technology and be made
responsible for thousands of lives.

CROW: [shaking his head] Truly, truly, sad. Note also Data's impaired
speech, and the curious side effect of referring to "The Girl"
in capital letters, which suggests....

[Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.]

CROW: ...other events in Marrissa's career can we attribute to this
mysterious substance? The evil Trakce use an intruder knock-out gas
to which they are more vulnerable than any other species in the
galaxy, and then put a control panel in the one part of their ship
most likely to be invaded. Years later, when the Enterprise-E under

command of Captain Riker was captured by the Romulans --- an act
sure to provoke intergalactic war --- what is the first priority of

Starfleet's top admiralty when they hear this dreadful news? Answer:
to assign the name "Enterprise" to Marrissa's new ship. And perhaps
most shockingly, when His Holiness Pope Gregory "Shoot First, Ask
Questions Later" the Twentieth entered a battle and fired on an
unknown ship without first attempting communication. Tonight on "A&E
Biography" with me, Peter Graves, we examine....

[Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.]

CROW: ...Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves: "Royal Romance
and Storybook Weddings." Picture, if you will, two young women ---
long-lost cousins, both orphaned by violent circumstances, drawn
together by tragedy, sharing the responsibilities and privileges of
royalty, now rebuilding their lives. One of them has just received a
marriage proposal. Imagine the joy, the giddy excitement, the
intricate plans and deep personal feelings these two will spend hours
sharing the next time they talk. Tonight, we see the tender,

CROW: [Long, deep sigh. Then silence for several seconds.]

TOM: Mr. Graves? [pause] Mr. Graves!

CROW: WHAT?! I mean, what is the point?! Why am I peddling this?

Is this any way to end a career?! Seven years of "Mission:
Impossible" and two Emmy nominations for *this*?

TOM: Mr. Graves...

CROW: ...I mean, just *look* at this cr....

TOM: MISTER GRAVES!

[Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.]

CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves, for "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves.
Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, the tragic final years
of Marrissa. Burned out at the age of 30, thwarted on the verge of
becoming Empress of the Galaxy because her victims built up a
resistance to Ratliff gas, she is then court-martialled by Starfleet
and dishonorably discharged. Captain Jay Gordon divorces her and
takes custody the children. Considered too eccentric and bizarre to
be a member of the Royal Family, she is removed from the throne of
Essex. Now destitute, Marrissa is living in a trailer park on
Rigel IV, where she is known as that crazy lady who keeps trying to

administer Kobayashi Maru tests to all the neighborhood kids. Is
this the end of Marrissa? Or will the rumors of a new infomercial
appearance contract be her chance for a comeback? Will fanfic sign
give her the opportunity to....

MIKE & TOM: FANFIC SIGN!

[Fanfic sign is flashing. Mike hits it amidst pandemonium.]
[They dive out of the way so that Cambot can head for the theater.]

[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[theater]

[All of the replicants are waiting in the theater as Cambot settles into
place. The text resumes scrolling.]

Crow07: Narf!

Tom09: [as The Brain] Plunky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Crow09: [as Pinky] Um, I think so, Brain, but butterscotch pudding gives
me the hives something awful.

Tom08: Anyone know what that "plunky" sound was?

Mike08: I think that was the story falling flat.

Tom12: [as Ratliff] I'm failing, but I am trying.

Tom07: Wait, didn't he refer to the whole group without the "s" already?

Mike07: That way lies madness.

Crow08: Study French much, Stephen?

Mike08: Not so you'd notice.

Tom04: If only the French would wise up to this. If you wanted to talk
about a single race car, you could simply say "Le Man."

Mike04: Or a single sports sedan: "Calai."

Crow04: A single capital: "Pari."

Tom04: We'll always have Pari.

Mike04: If you can stand watching Colin Baker, that is.

Mike09: Sorry, Steve-a-rino. "Maquis" is both singular *and* plural.

Tom09: [as Gomez Addams] "Maquis" --- Tish, that's French!

Mike09: [as Morticia] Now Gomez, not in front of the Kids' Crew.

Crow07: Electric Boogaloo.

Tom12: The Return of Jafar.

Mike09: Remember, being a Starfleet Captain and having a recording
career just don't mix.

Tom09: If you're going to command, don't sing; if you're going to sing,
don't command.

Crow12: The forbidden dance!

Mike08: My belongings and other valuables.

Tom08: My self-respect.

Mike15: She makes the ship sound like a gallstone.

Mike11: An overworked and underpowered ship waiting to come apart at every
opportunity.

Tom11: Mike, no one will get that.

Tom13: Stargazer: Class of '50378.4

Mike14: Hey, this is stolen straight from "Encounter at Farpoint."

Crow14: Sure, why not? He got away with ripping off Twain and the
Founding Fathers, right?

Mike10: Shootin' stuff.

Tom15: Oh, yes, reduce tension by tromping a warship around.

Crow15: [singing] We come in peace. Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill, men!

Crow09: Well, he's switched back to "Marqui" again.

Tom09: What good's a word you can only spell one way?

Mike07: Is that one of those really bad sci-fi puns, or unintentional?

Crow08: I wonder what the Hi'den message is.

Tom06: Didn't they compose a few symphonies under a different spelling?

Mike15: [foppish voice] Oh, my what a witty jape!

Crow15: [equally foppish voice] Yes, how droll!

Mike06: A perfect description for what this story should have been.

Mike08: Star Trek fans, in other words.

Crow08: Like you, Mike.

Mike08: That's right, I... HEY!

Crow11: [as T'Gwen] I'm looking forward especially to the restraining bit.

All09: Gesundheit!

Crow10: [falsetto] ...who are even less important.

Crow06: [as T'Gwen] ...and I use that word *very* loosely.

Tom08: [as T'Gwen, dripping with sarcasm] And it's just SUCH a pleasure,
let me tell you.

Crow08: [as T'Gwen] ...will probably doom us.

Tom10: ...her connections with the author.

Mike11: ...actually qualified to run a starship.

Tom09: [as T'Gwen] Which of course means they were all totally worthless
and senile and incompetent, the poopie-heads!

Crow06: [as T'Gwen] Once they get past puberty, it's all downhill from
there....

Crow05: Never trust anyone over forty!

Mike05: I keep getting this picture of Marrissa as a latter-day Dr.
Kevorkian, killing off any Starfleet personnel over the age of
twenty....

Tom10: This is like the background of a short story Orson Scott Card
wrote for practice.

Crow15: "Youth and vigor"?

Tom15: Don't go there....

Tom04: That would tend to inflate repair estimates considerably.

Crow08: [as T'Gwen] Apparently, Starfleet just clean forgot.
Crow13: [as T'Gwen] There were only 18,284 qualified candidates.

Mike11: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Ships never break down or even
get a scratch with Marrissa on board.

Tom09: No one to stand around and yell, "Cap'n, th' dilithium crystals
canna take th' str-r-r-rain!!"

Crow09: Nobody to wear a banana clip on his face.

Mike09: No fabulously dangerous half-Klingon babes.

Bots09: WHAT?!?

Mike09: So I like Roxann Biggs-Dawson, so sue me.

Tom15: [as T'Gwen] The engineer from the temp service only sits around
and eats bearclaws all day.

Mike15: HEY! Take that back!

Tom15: Fat chance, Nelson.
[Tom15 and Mike15 struggle. After a few seconds, Mike15 rips
Tom15's head off. Unfortunately (for Mike15), this causes a minor
explosion which takes out Mike15 as well. After the usual smoke, sparks,
and bits of wire, they remain still.]

Tom08: Let's *all* get to know them better.

Mike08: Yes, let's.

Crow08: Since we have no choice.

Crow11: Is that in the biblical... MMMPPH!!

Mike11: [clamping Crow11's beak] You're not making things easier, pal.

Mike10: [as Radar] By command of the new commanding officer, all
officers are to report to the commanding officer's office, sirs.

Tom08: [as Gusat] I try not to.

Crow06: [as Gusat] You Starfleet people have a word that describes her
well.... I believe it refers to a female member of the canine
species?

Mike13: [as Gusat] I want to play Baby Harp Seal with her.

Crow13: Is it time for your Prozac(R) dose already?

Bots03: I think our young fighter commander is FAB-ulous...!!!

Mike06: Ratliffian syntax strikes again....

Crow11: The saucer section I know about, but how did Marrissa get command
of a Cardassian warship?

Mike11: This plot point is left as an exercise for the reader.

Mike08: [as Gusat] ...on the same SHIP with her or anything, but...

Tom08: [as T'Gwen] HAHAHAHahahaha. YOU'RE STUCK HERE!

Crow10: [as Gusat] I don't want to even be in this fanfic.

Crow06: [as Gusat] I'd rather be where I can kill her with my own two
hands.
Crow05: And perish *would* be the thought if Marrissa's network of
informers didn't bring back reports of sycophantic praise and
adulation from her fellow officers.
Crow08: [brightly] Don't worry. You can perish right here with the
rest of us.

Crow15: Yes, with whiny genius kids, you're INVINCIBLE!!!

Mike10: [as Gusat] Can I go now?

Tom10: [as Gusat] Who? Oh, you mean... okay, I see.

Tom10: Which half?

Crow10: The outer half.

Mike06: [as T'Gwen] You're better off that way. She tends to arrange
little "accidents" for anyone who crosses her.

Mike08: [as Gusat] Why would I have before you brought it up?

Crow09: 'Cuz she's no pleasure planet, let me tell you!

Tom13: [as T'Gwen] Snot-Nosed Brat, however, is perfectly acceptable.

Tom10: Whose name has been withheld to protect our sources.

Crow13: Under the guise of a Starfleet commander, most likely.

Mike08: [as T'Gwen] And that could kill us all, so don't do it.

Tom06: [as T'Gwen] That's when she dresses up as a drill and uses
a squirt flower loaded with battery acid on anyone who gets too
close. That Marrissa, what a kidder!

Crow15: OHMYGOD, it's "A-versus-D II" all over again!! NOOOOOOO!!!
[Crow15's head blows up, and he joins Tom15, Mike15, and the 01-set in the
replicant afterlife.]

Tom09: [as crewman] What th' --- hey! Who put this 100 pound weight in
my hiking bag?

Mike09: Oh, you zany, madcap fighter commander you.

Crow13: ...Swapping pain-inducers for Novocaine.

Mike13: Oooh, that makes my teeth hurt just *thinking* about it.

Mike03: It would be nice to see a few practical jokes, just to put a stop
to all this TALKING! Argh!

Crow07: Or maybe Drake Tungsten.

Tom07: Or Rick Drywall.
Tom08: Or Trent Lockjaw.

Mike08: Or Drake Steelface.

Crow08: Or Chet Hugelarge.

Mike13: What was his rank again?

Tom13: Commander? No ... Captain?

Crow13: Admiral?

Tom14: ...and Hudson pilots in the Hudson Bay.

Crow04: The fighter inlet was simply too crowded this time of year.

Crow06: [as Ross] Hi, I'm Ross Lockard, and I'm running for State
Attorney General....

Tom07: [as Ross] Hello, fighter pilots. How's the wife and kids?

Crow12: [singing] ...on the wall, Twenty-nine Cardassians.
Crow08: [singing] And a hundred and one cornets in their wake!

Tom09: Oh, let me guess ... 29?
Tom13: So ... that would be twenty-nine?

Mike13: Looks like it.

Tom06: ...alphabetically by height.

Crow06: Isn't that going to get them a little wet?
Crow10: Does that include the bay windows and walk-in closet?

Tom02: The lowest ranking members got to stand outside without vac
suits...

Crow02: Sssirrr. It's ccccold out here....

Tom13: Unfortunately, it was also 10,000 cubic feet, so they all died as
a result of being three-dimensional beings in a two-dimensional
space.

Mike13: Uh, 10,000 cubic feet would mean that it's one foot high.

Tom13: Oh, ease up, Techno-Boy.

Mike06: [as Ross] As I stand before you now, I'm reminded of something
funny that happened to me on my way down to the fighter bay
tonight....

Crow14: ...blunder.

Tom08: [as Ross] But you may call me "Studmuffin."

Mike10: Then he froze, panicked, ran underneath a table and curled up,
quivering and screaming, "The doughnuts are out of order! The
doughnuts are out of order!"

Tom10: Let's give her a big Las Vegas welcome...

Mike08: [as Ross] Is a real pain in the ass, so just do what she says,
and eventually she'll leave you alone.

Crow08: [British] If you're very lucky, she MAY read you some of her
poetry first....

Crow11: I guess that's what Lady Di calls it, too.

Tom13: She's having an affair with New Jersey.

Mike13: Ooh, Massachusetts will be so jealous.

Crow13: [as Mel Brooks] I'm sorry, gentlemen, but affairs of state must take
precedence before affairs of state.

Crow08: If it's all right, Mike, I'd like to take TWO showers tonight.

Mike11: Getting plastered at Quark's is an "affair of state?"
Mike07: [as Ross] But, if you ask me, she just had a few too many
strawberry daiquiris last night.

Tom04: Actually, she's drafting a Declaration of Incompetence.

Tom11: Rule number one: Never annoy Marrissa. Rule number two: Never
annoy Marrissa. Rule number three...

Crow13: Rule number 1 --- no running with scissors!

Tom13: [British] Rule number 2 --- No Pooftahs!

Mike13: That'll never pass the Politically Correct censors.

Tom13: But it's a quote. That makes it all right ... right?

Tom06: Keep the fighters in their corners, and don't let them hit below
the belt.

Mike10: [as Ross] Namely, we want them lined up by their favorite
condiments.

Mike10: Well, that's what you *get* for hiring six-year-olds.
Mike04: They've gotta be short, what with these low-hanging girders.
Mike09: [as Ross] And here's our new Chief Engineer, Robert Reich!
Mike12: Fifty fighters and fifty-eight pilots? I see a fight coming on.

Mike11: [as Ross] So just try not to get your ships blown up, okay?

Crow08: [as Ross] Actually, not to put too fine a point on it, we're
pretty much doomed.
Crow14: [as Ross] This means no fooling about with nitrous boosters.
Especially you Duke boys!

Tom13: So, um, they have no Chief Engineer, right?

Mike13: Looks that way.

Crow13: I'm sure Ratliff will remind us again later.

Mike03: [as Ross] Yes, we think it'd be very nice for you to obey orders.
And that's an order.
Mike10: [as Ross] It'd be a good idea, except, well, *look* at us.

All14: Well, duh!

Mike08: ...except on alternate Thursdays.

Tom08: So the fighter pilots are walk-ons or something?

Crow09: What a bold administrative maneuver.

Mike04: [mock horror] Everyone looks around in dismay.

Crow04: [gasping] Could it be true?

Tom10: This is known as the "dur--hey!" briefing.
Tom12: Don't they teach *anything* at the Academy?

Crow13: [as Ross] Of course, this goes without saying in any military
operation, but I thought I'd break the ice by insulting your
intelligence.

Tom06: [as Ross] In other words, if you're on Deck 5, do everything
that anyone on Deck 4 or higher tells you.

Crow11: [as Ross] Disobeying orders because of moral concerns is for
captains. You cannon fodder will be executed if you try anything
like that.

Mike08: Don't care if you live or die, and don't you forget it!

All09: Gesundheit!

Crow08: Third, if you put leftovers in the fridge, MARK them for
heaven's sake, or they're just fair game.

Tom08: Fourth, if you drink the last cup of coffee, you make the next
pot.

Mike08: Fifth, don't start any subplots.

Mike10: This kind of organization is what sets Starfleet apart from a
dodgeball league.

Mike13: What does a Vulcan cash register sound like?

Tom13: I dunno.

Mike13: T'Pring!

Bots13: Fan-boy! Faaaaan-boy!

Mike13: Oh, lay off, will ya?

Tom03: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Marrissa!

Crow03: [singing] Heeeeeeere she comes, Miss Amberpicard....

Crow06: Until then, she had been sitting on the dock watching the tide
roll away.

Crow12: Hey, nice Ross!

Tom10: [as psychiatrist ] I see ... and does your Ross announce things
often?

Mike05: [as Ross] ALL KNEEL! [hushed whisper] Avert your eyes!

Tom06: [as Ross] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great
crowd! I'm going to bring out your headliner now....

Mike10: [as Ross] Don't mind the weapons, they only *look* like they're
set on kill.

Crow08: AAAAHHH! NOOOOO!

Mike08: Why did we have to see that?!

Tom08: Oh, come on... he couldn't possibly have meant... Gaaaah!

Crow11: [as Marrissa] Oh, I will!

Mike06: [as Marrissa] Mmmm... they look ready all right! Now hand
me that strawberry-scented body oil....

Tom14: [as Marrissa] <inhale> Friends, Cardassians, Federationmen, lend
me your ears....
Tom06: [as Marrissa] My fellow pilots... tonight we come to a turning
point in our great nation's history....

Mike08: [as Marrissa] I'm a control freak.

Crow09: [as Marrissa] You're all doomed to die horrible deaths at my
hands. Have a nice day.

Tom05: [as Marrissa] Furthermore, I am also the chairperson of the
Department of Redundancy Department, as well, I might add.

Crow08: [as Marrissa] And I like strawberries.

Tom10: [as Marrissa] Also, I have written five episodes of Star Trek:
Voyager.

Mike12: [as Marrissa] By the end of the chapter I'll most likely be God
as well.

Mike08: [as Marrissa] ...proper officer would already have taken care
of this, but I figure I'll just wing it.

Crow10: [as Marrissa] First, me. Then, my cat. Then, my teddy bear.
Then, Paul Gross. Wouldn't he be the perfect lead for a new
"Superman" movie?

Mike14: Huh?

Crow08: uhhhhh...

Mike08: Try not to think about it.

Tom09: Got it?

Crow09: Got it.

Tom13: Right! Ah... huh?

Crow13: Once you've organized it, it's pretty much there, right?

Mike13: Pretty much.

Crow10: They're going to organize a chain of command quickly, but not
let anyone know about it.

Mike12: In the upper left hand corner of the right side of the bottom
half of the wall.

Crow07: Then you go left at the third stoplight....

Tom04: [as Crewman] Whoa! Lemme write this down.
Tom10: Apparently they've lost their email capabilities in the 24th
century.

Tom08: [as Marrissa] Kill anyone who defies me.

Crow13: [as Marrissa] But I'm not going to actually do it. Ha ha ha
ha ha! I love being in command!

Crow14: *Some* of which were actual piloting tests.

Tom11: [as Marrissa] By the way, Lockard, this says you're pregnant.

Mike09: See, and you thought you'd never use that course in Linear
Algebra after 9th grade.

Crow09: In Marrissa's department, I'll bet most of them are *in* 9th grade.

Mike07: Nepotism, boo!

Tom07: Hey, how else could Marrissa go so far so fast?

Mike10: Get the feeling Ratliff is saying "Hi" to all his friends here?

Tom10: Yup.

Mike08: Pink wing, Lieutenant Goo Goo GooJoob.

Tom08: Plaid wing, Lieutenant Junior Grade Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Crow08: Mauve wing, Nick Danger.

Crow07: Geez, he's just throwing out random syllables again.

Crow09: [Dalek voice] WE WILL EXTERMINATE THE MAQUIS!
EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

Tom02: Doesn't Dar Davek get to assist?

Mike10: These have got to be anagrams, but of what?

Mike08: Our special guest star...

Tom08: CHARO!

Crow08: Ohhhh, I wish....

Tom13: Tanis, anyone? Heh heh heh.

Crow08: Tanis Lunar couldn't make it, evidently.

Mike09: Otherwise known as the "File and Forget" Gang.

Crow10: I can get "Saint Raslo" out of that name....

Tom05: Oh, God, why do I have the horrible feeling that we'll hear
this roster citation about fifty more times in this fanfic?

Tom14: [as Marrissa] Wandering about aimlessly will not be tolerated.

Crow14: Well, *that* was a stirring speech.

Mike08: [as Marrissa] Look at a map or something. I don't have time to
lead you all around by the noses.

Tom08: [as Marrissa] And please bring your briefs this time.

Crow08: Heyyyyy! Mike, you'd have given me a time-out for that one.

Mike08: I would have, wouldn't I?

Crow13: Nothing concludes a briefing quite like some patronizing, eh?

Tom08: It just szustakowski that you're gonna have more child officers
in a Ratliff story. [chuckles]

Mike08: Now for THAT, you get a time-out, mister!

Tom08: Awww....

Mike10: [singing to "Good 'n Plenty" jingle] Once upon a time there was
an engineer. Kerstin Szustakowski was her name, we hear.

Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski.

Mike06: Fortunately for Kerstin, her class was on a planet nowhere near
the Roanoke....

Tom13: Anybody notice that Ratliff has a thing for the Roanoke?

Mike13: Well, that could be because he's *from* Roanoke.

Crow13: Where *is* Roanoke, anyway?

Mike13: Well, it's not the middle of nowhere, but you can see it from there.

Bots13: OhhhHHHHhhh. Huh??

Mike08: Then the ship did the Hokey-Pokey and turned itself around.

Tom13: Then the ship shook some more and went to Purple Alert. Then the
ship shook some more and went to Chartreuse Alert. Then the ship
shook some more....

Mike13: We get it, Tom; we get it.

Tom06: Then the ship exploded?

Mike06: No such luck....

Crow08: I know just how she feels.

Mike11: Spending any prolonged period of time together with annoying kid
genuises does tend to have that effect on people.

Crow03: [as if nearing mental breakdown] I give up! <sob sob sob> I
can't remember who's in which wing either! <sniffle, choke>

Tom10: She'd gone insane and had been teaching for 97 hours straight
without food, drink or rest. Police moved in to free the
hostages.

Tom09: Structural stress?

Mike09: Ah, they just don't build teachers like they used to.

Crow13: Class dismissed! [All13 cheer and start throwing paper airplanes
and spitballs at each other.]

Tom04: Hats off to Ratliff, the master of suspense. Could we have a budding
Tom Clancy in our midst?

Crow04: The short answer is "no."

Mike08: Because nobody else had any lines.

Crow02: She's another Marrissa clone, I tell you.

Mike10: No, I can't say any class I've ever heard of would ever have
trouble with the teacher passing out.

Crow09: C'mon, kids, let's PARTY OUR EYEBALLS OUT!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!

Crow08: Sickbay was depressed and didn't feel like speaking to anyone
just then.

Mike08: Kerstin to Evers.

Tom08: Evers here.

Mike08: Relay message from Tinker to Chance.

Tom08: Roger that. Tinker to Evers to Chance... come in please.

Crow12: You've *got* to be kidding me.
Crow08: Oh, you crazy kids.

Tom13: Oh Kids, those crazy kids.
Tom09: Oh Kids These Days With The Hair And The Music.

Crow13: Gaping plot hole.

Mike07: [as computer] But whatever it is, it has a creamy nougat center.

Tom03: So, all the adults are conked out but the kids are still awake?

Crow03: Heaven help us!

Mike03: Kinda like "Village of the Damned"... except it's not any good.

Crow11: I don't know about you, but I would have made a gas that would
take out everyone except the beautiful blondes instead.

Crow06: [as computer] And here I thought the situation couldn't get any
worse....
Crow09: Isn't it amazing how many forces in the known galaxy will knock
out or incapacitate everyone on board as long as they're OVER
EIGHTEEN?!?

Tom10: And open up the bar!

Mike13: /dev/null

Crow13: That's right folks, 400 years later, we're still saddled with UNIX.

Tom03: No no no, they've changed the configuration; you need to move it
to /home/www/users/kidscrew/operation/codes/kerstin.html.

Crow10: It's a good thing they keep their critically sensitive files under
directories and names that anyone could guess.

Tom06: [as computer] Sorry, those settings have been sent to /dev/null.

Crow06: Why couldn't this story have been sent there too?

Mike07: [as Kerstin] Oh, and change all the water fountains over to
Hawaiian Punch.

Mike09: Hey, she was 12 just a few seconds ago!

Tom09: Coming soon --- "The Infant's Crew," from Stephen Ratliff.

Mike09: Servo, hush! You'll give him ideas.

Tom11: Wasn't she 12 a few paragraphs ago?

Mike11: I don't know about you, but I'm hoping for a reenactment of
"The Master Builders."

Crow04: Personally, if I was one of those intruders, I'd occupy the ship
with soldiers.

Tom04: Matter of taste.

Crow08: [as Kerstin] And on a more personal note, seal my quarters with
whipped cream.

Crow11: Hey! It prefers to be called "functionally challenged"!

Tom10: They never should have put Internet Explorer on their systems.

Mike03: Even in the future, nothing works.
Mike08: [as computer] Unable to comply. Story has ground to a halt.

Crow08: You mean it's started?

Crow03: [as Kerstin] This fits right in with my fiendishly evil plan.
Mwahahahaha.

Mike09: [as Kerstin] Condition Red! I forgot my notes, and the social
studies test is *TODAY*!!
Mike10: Should someone tell Kerstin that she's in Classroom Nine?

Tom14: ...in the grammar!
Tom07: "Their is problems?" So, the editor had a pretty easy time here,
huh?

Crow04: [as computer] Unable to parse due to improper use of possessive
case. Please restate using something resembling grammar.

Mike04: Majel's getting crotchety.

Tom04: Most people her age are content just to crochet.

Crow14: [as Kerstin] Truuuuuuuust me.

Mike11: [as Kerstin] Pretty please with sugar on top?

Crow08: You can't have pressure in a vacuum.

Mike08: And this story is definitely a vacuum because...

Tom08: It just sucks.

Tom13: [as Kerstin] No, really, there is a *pressure* *drop*.

Crow13: [as computer] I don't see any pressure drop.

Tom13: [as Kerstin] Oh, just drop the %$#! bulkheads!

Mike13: Wow, how'd you do *that*?

Tom13: I don't know, and I think I hurt something.

Crow13: [as computer] Could not locate %$#! bulkheads. [normal] Ow.
You're right; that *does* hurt.

Mike08: You mean even malfunctions have to be authorized? Marrissa IS
a control freak!

Tom02: What? Kerstin's access code has changed already?

Mike02: Well, over the shows, the command crew had different codes each
time.

Tom02: But they didn't change in one scene!

Tom04: [announcer voice] Once a Beta Princess, now a VHS head cleaner.
See it all, rendered in spine-tingling detail by Meredith Baxter-
Birney! This weekend on NBC!

Crow10: I don't know why, but I get the feeling Kerstin is a fan of "Jem
and the Holograms."

Tom08: Lowering standards.
Tom14: Stretching credulity.

Crow14: Upchucking violently.

Tom09: [sarcasm sequencer] Oh, yes, even though I'm a computer with
over 400 bajillion kiloquads and you're just a snotty preteen
decks away from the action, you *obviously* know what's happening
so-o-o-o-o much better than me. Of *course* I'll lower the
bulkheads, your majesty!
Tom12: It's really sad that it took Kerstin till the age of eleven, or
twelve, or whatever, to get command of a starship. Doesn't show
much ambition....

Mike07: That's Stargazer Central Time.

Crow10: What, later in the day the conference lounge would be below main
engineering?

Tom10: Maybe George Herriman designed this starship.

Mike13: Then the bridge collapsed, and all senior staff were horribly
crushed.

Crow13: And there was much rejoicing.

All13: [dully] Yay.

Tom12: His first name is Assist? Must have been a rough time in school.

Tom05: But they're not important enough to give names to.
Tom08: The audience had decided to sit this one out.
Tom10: Maybe it'd be quicker if you just listed who wasn't there,
okay?
Tom14: [as ring announcer] ...AND IN THIS CORNER....

Crow11: [as announcer] All cop!

Crow09: We just can't stress enough that the captain's half-Vulcan,
folks.
Crow13: What race was the captain again?

Mike13: I don't know; Ratliff hasn't mentioned it enough.

Tom13: Does it have any bearing on the story whatsoever?

Mike13: Probably not.

Tom14: [as T'Gwen] And, of course, Marrissa --- our Superior Being....

Crow04: [as T'Gwen] I hope you are all aware that I am half Vulcan and
half human. I am also half Vulcan as well. My human half is
equal in proportion to my Vulcan half. My lineage is delineated

into two distinct groups: those of my ancestors who were human; and
those who were Vulcan. Vulcans, as you may be aware, are distinct
from humans --- as their hemoglobin uses copper as an oxygen-binding
metal, rather than iron....
Mike04 [interrupting] Enough!

Crow04: Um, okay.

Tom03: [as T'Gwen] We'll be serving drinks at 5 p.m.

Crow04: [as T'Gwen] Did I fail to mention that I have a 0.50 Vulcanity
coefficient, coupled with a concomitant 0.50 coefficient of
Humanity?

Tom08: Run-on sentences.

Mike03: [as T'Gwen] Pair up with a partner, ask your partner about
himself, then tell the class all about your partner.

Crow03: Not again!

Mike11: [as T'Gwen] We will also end with introductions, and I think
we'll stick some introductions in the middle.
Mike10: [as crewman] Sir? Can't we just read the exposition up above?

Crow08: [as T'Gwen] Because I can't remember for the life of me where I
placed you.

Mike12: [as T'Gwen] ...And one special thing about yourself.

Tom10: [as T'Gwen] ...And what's your favorite cliche?

Mike02: Just in case no-one was paying attention to the first part of the
fanfic, Ratliff will force on us everyone's name, position and
favorite sleeping place.

Crow02: That's a pretty safe assumption, Mike.

Crow13: Just what we need, yet *another* Ratliff introduction scene.

Mike13: You could probably compile them all together to make one big story.

Tom13: Oh, don't, that thought makes my capacitors overload.

Mike06: [sarcastically] Ohhhhhh... that's an unusual duty for a captain.

Tom04: Fancy that.

Mike08: If they don't know THAT by now....
Mike05: Hmm, somehow I think most of the crew might have guessed her job
description....

Crow04: [as T'Gwen] I am also skilled in needlepoint. Vulcan needlepoint,
you see, is quite different from....

Mike04: Enough!

Crow13: Unfortunately, that was an extremely rude gesture in Cardassian
society, and a bloody war began.

Tom06: [as crew member to Washington's right] Yeah, up yours too,
Captain!

Mike03: Hey, look! Feminine pronouns! That *proves* T'Gwen's a woman.

Crow03: I still think T'Gwen's a group entity.

Mike09: Hang on, fellas, here comes a whole bunch of full names and
titles.
[All09 sigh.]

All09: Gesundheit!

Crow06: [as Gusat] I am the Eggman. Goo Goo Goo Joob.

Mike06: [as Gusat] I am a rock. I am an island.

Tom08: I am Servo, Tom. I am embarrassed to be involved with this
story.

Mike11: Isn't that the job of the medical officer?

Tom06: [as Duvek] I'm in charge of that wacky doctor game with the
light-up nose.

Crow07: Wait, his first name is "Assist"?

Mike08: [as Duvek] I assisted Glinn LAST week.

Tom10: [as Duvek] By the way, on my previous postings I was allowed to
bring my blanky with me while on duty; may I... uh... well, we can
talk about it after the meeting, I imagine... uh....

Mike06: [as Gavek] I own a mansion and a yacht.

Tom05: [announcer voice] Will the real Cardassian officer please stand
up?
Tom07: Must be a popular first name.

Crow08: [as Cardassian] Gowan, Goofball. Chief in charge of making up
silly Cardassian ranks.

Mike08: [as Ross] ...And chief in charge of oily handsomeness.

Crow04: Several people were sucking fluid from his head.

Mike04 & Tom04: [clear throats loudly]

Crow04: Come on! I was only talking about the neural peptide cake thing.

Tom06: "Medical attire"? What does *that* mean? Is he wearing Doc
Martens?

Crow06: [as man with straw-like hair] Hi, I'm Dr. Scarecrow!

Tom08: Lieutenant Commander Scarecrow. Chief in charge of Mrs. King.

Mike08: Wow, a mixed ref!

Crow09: [singing, Ray Bolger] If I only had a brain....

Crow06: [as Johnson] Or is it Johnson Jackson? I can never get that
straight.
Crow07: Joe Jackson Johnson Jones, Junior.

Crow08: Saaaay, does that make him... Doc Johnson?

Mike08: No, no, no, a thousand times no!

Mike13: [as bureaucrat] Last name?

Tom13: Johnson.

Mike13: First name?

Tom13: Jackson.

Mike13: [tears up form] Let's try that again. Pay attention, please.
*Last* name?

Tom13: *Johnson*.

Mike13: *First* name?

Tom13: *Jackson*.

Mike13: Look, son, if you're not going to take this seriously, we'll just
boot you out of Starfleet.

Mike06: Uh oh. Here it comes....
Mike05: [as Marrissa, reciting] *Ahem* Whan that Aprill, with his
shoures soote, The droght of March hath perced to the roote....

Crow05: [as Marrissa] But, of course, I don't like titles....

Crow08: [as Marrissa] Goddess of silly plot points.

Mike08: [as Marrissa] Ruler of everything.

Crow12: [as Marrissa] I kill things.

Crow09: Duke of Westchester, Defender of the Commonwealth...

Tom09: Director of Internal Intelligence, Chief of State Security...

Mike09: Producer, director, writer, chief of network programming....

Tom08: No, that will be *quite* enough!

All06: NO!!!
All12: NO!!!
All11: No, NO, *NOOOOOO*!!!!

Mike14: [as Marrissa] ...or else...!

Tom09: Sure, they've got *oodles* of spare on-duty time.

Mike08: Of course! It's been a full five minutes since Marrissa last ran
her record.

Tom13: Oh, by all means, we never get enough of it! [softly] Oh,
it hurts....

All13: Noooo! You don't know what you're doing!

Tom11: For pity's sake, somebody stop her!

All11: [continue wailing and sobbing]

Crow06: Yes, please finish your introduction, the author just won't be
happy until *all* the titles get rattled off....

Tom06: Again!

Mike06: Oh, but keep in mind that Marrissa *hates* every single one of
them.

Crow10: [as Gusat] How come the other officers are waving their arms,
and why is Lockard mouthing, "Abandon hope, all ye who enter
here?"
Crow09: [as Marrissa] I like you, Gusat! I'll kill you last.

All14: [as Cardassians] So *you're* the one responsible for that!
All08: [as Stargazer crew] Oh, so *you're* to blame!

Tom12: [falsetto] Holder of the Holy Chalice of Tron, Keeper of the
Sacred Vitamin Pills, and Eventual Ruler of the Universe.
Tom13: [bored] Duchess of Erat; Keeper of the Five Treasures of Regel;
the Dark Lord, Forger of the One Ring; Supreme Queen of the
Universe.

[As Marrissa recites her titles, smoke and sparks fly out of Mike11 and
Tom11. Then they become still.]

Mike14: [as T'Gwen] ...Under a pile of dirty laundry in my closet.

Crow12: [as T'Gwen] ...I found her in the Sears Catalog.

Mike06: The Twilight Zone.

Crow10: [as sports announcer] Virginia recovers the ball, laterals to
line backer Szutakowski, who's been in the zone all day, she's
going, going all the way, yes! It's a touchdown!

Mike13: [as T'Gwen] I told you never to call me here!

Tom13: Brother of Burnt Sienna.
Tom10: [as Bob Ross] Now, for the trees in this painting we'll want to
use a nice, light george siena for the bark, with bits of shading
that we'll add afterward.

Crow14: [as Katherine] He sounds really scared, sir.

Mike10: Ah, I see the U.S.S. Nepotism is flying well, though.

Crow08: ...Permission to get the story moving.

Mike10: [as Katherine] ...He's hung over again today.

Tom12: You know, doing *stuff*.

Mike02: Although no one knows why. It was as if he was sent away just
to get him out of the way.

Tom02: Yeah, weird that.

Crow08 So he's out of the story.
Tom08: Lucky devil.

Crow09: He and Dax are joining the Million Parsec Club.

Mike09: Oh, and thanks so much for *that* little image.

Mike13: [bored monotone] Are there any other ships in the quadrant?

Crow13: [same] No, you are the only one.

Tom06: [as Sisko] Is Marrissa aboard? Great! Get outta here!!!
Tom04: Unfortunately, the message got garbled and he sent Clarence
Thomas instead....

Mike10: "Rhoda! We're coming up!"

Mike04: Ensign Throwaway, perhaps?

Tom05: Ensign Throwaway, no doubt....

Crow10: [as nameless junior officer] Ah, I'm getting up, you don't have
to throw me out the dooooooo....

Tom13: Ever notice that you're worth nothing if you're a junior officer
above the age of 18 in a Ratliff story?

Mike13: Why no, Tom, nobody's *ever* noticed that before.

Tom13: [incoherent mumbling]

Tom08: Since she had warned him repeatedly about sitting in her lap.

All08: \
All14: - Ewwww!
All09: /

Crow09: I am definitely *not* cleaning THAT up!!

Tom08: PATTY Lavelle?

Mike08: You mean Patty LaBelle.

Tom08: *sigh*

Crow08: [as Bert Lahr] And lions and tigers and bears!

Tom08: Oh, my!

Mike10: [as Lockard] It's called "Balloon Help." Don't be too proud
to open it, it's really useful.

Crow11: Errr... isn't he supposed to have done that *before* they go on
a dangerous mission?

Mike08: [as Lockard] Okay, Gavek, the system is this: Don't get in
Marrissa's way. Get it?

Tom13: So... she's a Lieutenant Commander?

Mike13: Looks that way.

Crow07: So, is everyone's position clear, now?

All06: \
All08: - [All do various versions of the "Airplane" sketch.]
All09: /
All14:/

Mike04: [as Duvek] Oh, man --- another clear-cut? I thought this area
had been declared a Spotted Slime Devil refuge.

Crow06: [as Mr. B Natural] At your service!

Crow11: Yes, it's a scam.

Mike09: [as Duvek] No, I think they're sincere about it.

Tom03: [as Duvek] Yes, we were conned into joining this --- oh, wait,
that's not what you meant, heh heh....

Mike07: Conventio-Conn-Expo-Fest-O-Rama?

Mike13: 10 GOTO 10

Crow13: What the heck was that?

Mike13: BASIC.

Crow13: BASIC?! You ever heard of BASIC, Servo?

Tom13: Nope, that's a new one on me.

Tom12: Wouldn't it be great if they had an episode where Lockard goes
postal. They could call it, "The Wrath of CONN."

Mike12 and Crow12: [*GROAN!*]

Tom10: They need their thrusters to go nowhere, just in case physics
stops working all of a sudden.

Mike10: Well, that's a fair chance, actually.

Tom13: [as Lockard] Sorry, sir, all I've got is a dollar. Anybody got
change?

Crow09: [as Lockard] Sure thing. I've got two tickets to go see "Mars
Attacks" at the Mall Cineplex Six. Will that do?

Tom06: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking departure scene!

Mike08: No matter how many times someone repeats that scene, it never
fails to fail to have an effect on me.

Crow11: [as Lockard] But I thought we were going to "take out" the Maquis,
Sir.

Tom13: Stargazer looked into Deep Space Nine's eyes. They met briefly,
kissed, then it was over.

Mike13: [sniffling] Tom, that was beautiful.

Crow11: Right now I am *not* thinking of spaceships.
Crow13: "Pull out? Doesn't sound manly to me."

Mike13: CROW!!

Crow13: What? It's another quote!

Mike13: Well, don't you know any *clean* ones?

Crow08: And Deep Space Nine couldn't be happier.

Mike13: And hugs and kisses, too!

Tom08: [as Duvek] And a therapy bill. Evidently, Marrissa violated her
court order to stay a hundred meters away from Jake.

Crow05: ...is Mr. B Natural's recommended method for learning how to play
a fine quality Conn trumpet, tuba or french horn.

All09: Hike!

Crow14: Ah, more of those meaningful Trek navi-babble numbers.

Tom10: [as T'Gwen] No, wait, I mean four one nine, mark three three...
no, hang on, that should be seven two, mark four one five five...
aw, just take the Expressway until you see the signs for Atlantic
City.

Mike10: Well, let's hope it's warp eight, then.

Crow13: Well, it can go forward, and backwards, and up, and down....

Crow11: The rest of the fighter can stay where it is.

Tom10: [falsetto] But then we'll all crash and die... oh... never mind.
Space. I forgot.

Crow08: [falsetto] Errr, Captain... the wings just FELL off.

Mike06: Otherwise known as the Bruisers.

Mike10: [as Marrissa] I have to beat them up first.

Tom08: [as Marrissa] Buffalo wings will take fifteen to twenty minutes.

Crow02: [as Marrissa] Or I will have their heads! HAHAHAHA!

Mike13: Shouldn't she use Kobayashi Maru logic here and try for, oh, say,
24 minutes?

Crow10: [as T'Gwen] Yeah, and what am I supposed to do with this bit of
trivia?

Tom07: That's his idea of a good place to end a chapter?
Tom13: And, on that *gripping* cliffhanger, Ratliff ends the chapter.
Tom09: [as Yul] So let it be written, so let it be done! Bring me this
man they call "Ratliff"!