The Gatemaster.

Mike: Uh, Dr Forrester? Hi, I'm Mike Nelson.

Dr F: Who?

Mike: The temp. I'm here to do the evil audit.

Dr F: Oh, yes, yes.... Well, I must say that this interruption is
rather....

Mike: I know. Time consuming. But you have to understand. We need
to make sure that you're still evil.

Dr F: Yes, yes. But first, would you look at that spot over there?
[Mike looks. Dr F knocks him out with a mallet.]
Dr F: That evil enough for you?
[Shot of rocket heading to SOL.]

Tom: Well, looks like we've got to break out the top bunk.

Crow: So, what are you in for, pal?
[Shot of Dr F.]

Dr F: Welcome to my lair, where I, Doctor Clayton Forrester, now hold
you prisoner. I control your oxygen and food supply and keep
you alive for one purpose!

Mike: My vast knowledge of Wayne Newton music?

Dr F: Okay, for two purposes. But I will use you in my psychological
experiments, and when I find the device that can turn your
brain to mush, I will destroy you and counquer the planet!
Mwa, ha, ha! I'm a naughty boy, a naughty boy....

Tom: Now, that's scary.

Crow: What a dickweed.
[Scenes from the CC finale]

Pearl: Now that my dear Clayton is a star baby, I have a chance to
start from the beginning. That is, if I have the time.
[Scenes from SF premiere]

Mike: A planet where Apes evolved from men?

Pearl: I swore as I pressed the pillow on my dear Clayton that I
would avenge his death. After being cryogenically frozen, I
am ready to keep the experiments alive.
[Scene from "The Deadly Mantis"]

Obs: You are like an ameoba to us.

Crow: Hey! I am way more advanced than an ameoba, pal!
[Scene from Season 9 premiere]

Mike: We made it! We're back in 20th century earth, in our own
universe!
[Scenes from SF finale]
Mike: We...we're going home. We did it! Well, okay, we didn't do
it, but it was done by somebody!
[Scene of M&TB in Wisconsin apartment.]
Mike: We're free. We're finally....
[Screen goes dark]

Dr F: Don't bet on it.
[Shot of Dr F close up.]
Dr F: Thanks to the powers I received as a Star Baby, I was able to
enter another realm beyond your comprehension. And now....
[Shot of Mike, strapped to a chair, shaking in mortal fear]
Dr F: [v.o.] Now, the experiments shall begin anew!
[As Dr F laughs maniacally, the camera moves to reveal that Mike is
watching a TV playing "Revenge of the Creature." Slowly, the camera
pans back until there are a hundred TVs in view, each with a different
already-MiSTed movie. The screens then change to a composite image of

Crow.]

Crow: Honey! Wake-up call!
[Shot changes to image of Mike in bed, waking up. Crow's beak is
three inches from his nose. Suddenly, Mike snaps awake, and both
scream.]

[End of first scene. Pressing Start Key skips the above segment, and
the next two scenes.]

[Mike walks into the living room area, wearing a jumpsuit-like
pajamas. Crow follows. He looks the same, but the viewer can see his
legs. His voice is back to the CC mode.]

Crow: Gee, Mike. You don't have to get so snippy.

Mike: I'm sorry. It's just....

Crow: The flashback nightmare again?

Mike: Yeah. Except even more vivid. I wish I knew what it means....

Tom: [O.S.] I told you what it means, based on Fruedian psychology
methods with a Jungian flavor and Dr Laura seasonings.

Mike: Tom, for the last time, it does not mean sex.

[Pan to the kitchenette area. Tom is really floating, with his
hoverpad glowing a bright orange. His "crystal ball" head is adorned
with a Geordi-like visor, but a light travels back and forth along
the visor. The ball is also filled with a black liquid. His hands
and arms now work.]

Tom: Oh, sure. Deny your Stockholm syndrome turned father figure
attachment turned strange psychotic fetish. But one thing is
clear. [Oven timer rings] Breakfast is served.

Mike: You made breakfast?

Tom: That's right. For Crow and myself, Eggs au Ramchip with a bed
of copper wires, rice pilaf, and a creamy oil hollaindaise....

Crow: Oh, boy. [He sits down and picks up his knife and fork.]

Tom: [Serving Mike] And a simple sunny-side-up with toast for the
wimp that never wants to try anything new.

Mike: Mmm. Smells good. Now all I need is....

Tom: [The liquid in his ball starts to boil.] Coffee? Coming right
up. [He leans over toward Mike and opens his mouth. The black
liquid exits through his mouth into Mike's glass.] Well, drink
up.

Mike: Uh, thanks.

Crow: Say, Servo? What's the occasion? They finally throw out that
imposter President and bring back Gore?

Tom: [under breath] You wish, Clinton-lover. [Suddenly cheery] No,
this is a time to remember our victory over the forces of evil.

Mike: Hey, that's right. It's the one month anniversary of our
escape. No longer trapped in a satellite, we're free to do as
we wish, never to watch bad movies again....

Cambot: Excuse my interruption, but you have two new messages coming
through. Action 8 News wants you to come in early to reshoot
your review of "The Gift" and to screen "Sugar and Spice."
The Washington Post is still waiting for your freelance
review on "The Wedding Planner." Would you care to take the
messages?
[Doorbell rings]

Mike: I'll take Action 8 first. Line one. [Picks up phone.]

Tom: Can you get that? My diodes need to be turned.

Crow: Yeah, yeah, yeah....

Mike: Hello? Mister Grant, good to talk to you. I'm really....

Crow: Mike, can you come here? The guy says it's important.

Mike: This is important, too.

Crow: Well, he says he's selling Amway products....

Mike: Amway? Mister Grant, got to go! Thanks! [Hangs up and runs
to the door.] Oh, boy. I've been waiting for... The hell?
[In the door is a man that looks like he crawled through a war zone on
his lips. He is Michael Wolfe.]

MW: Are you...Michael J. Nelson?

Mike: Yeah. [Pause] Must be really popular Amway products, huh.

MW: Yeah. You can view...them...over there....
[Mike turns away. MW hits Mike with a mallet. Fade to black.]

[End of second scene.]

[Shot of SOL coverted into spaceship. It glides as "song intro
music" cues. The ship is highly retrofitted, with warp nacelles on
the shaft's sides. It "warps" out just as the singing begins.]

Chorus: In the not-too-distant future.
One week from now, AD,
Mike Nelson and his Robot Pals
Thought they achieved victory.

But they didn't count on Dr Forrester

The evil man dead set to rule the world.
He faked his death, vanished, put his plan in place.
Now our heroes must follow him
To the depths of Cyberspace....

Crow: [Normal] Course set for alt.troll.

Mike: [Normal] Engage!

Tom: [singing] We'll read this cheezy epic.

Crow: And search it all for clues. (La, la, la.)

MW: We'll find the devils, down in puzzle levels
Where we can't afford to lose. (La, la, la.)

Mike: Now keep in mind we can't control
Where the game begins or ends. (La, la, la.)
So it's up to you to save the Universe

Chorus: With the help of our robot friends.

Robot Roll Call....

Cambot (I've been cloned.)
Gypsy (Lara Who?)
Tom Servo (Next Generation.)
Croooowwwww (I'm Back!)

Chorus: Now don't forget to often save.
And other player facts. (La, la, la.)
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a game.
I should play this to relax."

On Mysteryyyyyyy (Mystery, mystery)
Science Theateeerrrrr (Doobie, doobie)
3K64 (bass: Mystery Science Theater Three-Kay-Six-Fourrrrr)

[End of third scene.]

Crow: Ooh, I haven't had such a headache since the Ricky Martin
Impersonators convention.

Tom: That's the last time I play "taser" catch.

Mike: Everybody all right?

Tom: Hey, nice threads.

Crow: Glad to see you're still after the Red Baron.

Mike: Ha ha. Knock it off. Cambot, are you...Cambot?
[Cambot turns to the right, and then to the left, to show two similar
"Cambot clones" recording the action.]

Cambot: Looks like someone's done some redecorating.
[Behind them, the turbolift door opens. A beautiful and bosomy
digitized woman (all video games are required by law to have at least
one) comes through the lift.]

Mike: We've got to find out what's going on.

Tom: Well, I know what I want to investigate. Heh, heh. Hello,
beautiful. Ready to pay the Tom Servo Turbolift Toll?

Gypsy: Get out of my way, Servo. I mean it.

Crow: Yipe! Gypsy?

MW: [comes out of lift] Now that you're all here and awake, I can
explain....

Tom: Why you're a jerk?

Crow: Why you kidnapped us?

Mike: Why I shouldn't shove you out an airlock?

MW: Er...Those are the related topics, yes.

Mike: Where are we, anyway? It looks like you stole the Enterprise
bridge...and put it on the old satellite?

MW: That's correct. This is the Starship Of Amorous Relations, or
SOAR. I've converted your old satellite into a...cyberspace
rocket ranger. We are traveling through my home--and what you
call the internet--by the way.

Mike: So these are really representations of the world wide web?

MW: In a nutshell.

Tom: So this ship is...

MW: A data packet.

Crow: And those stars....

MW: IP server locations.
Cambot: And those warships coming at us very quickly.

Gypsy: And this communique that they're "Forrester's Flighters" and
they want to kill us?

MW: Uh... That's real.

All: AIEE!!!!

[Space battle level 1-1 of game.]

Crow: We survived.

Tom: But there's a message coming in. It looks like an epic of
an epic, a tsunami of sound and fury, signifying nothing....

Gypsy: Worse. It's the Universe's longest Sonic Self-Insertion fic,
written by...Michael Wolfe...
[Everyone looks at MW]

MW: Yeah, it's mine. And it's...bad.

Mike: How bad?

MW: You have life insurance, right?
[Lights flash.]
MW: I never disconnected the theater. The flighters are piping the
fiction there and activating the SOL's old code. We've got to
get into the theater before the oxygen runs out...

Mike: Great. Freedom was achieved, and we still have FANFIC SIGN!!!
[Mike and the Bots run out of the room.]

MW: Forgive me for lying about the oxygen, but it is imperative that
we view that text. The fate of two universes is at stake. And
if you think I'M going to read that dreck, forget it.

[Shot of M&TB running through the halls into the airlocks.]

[6: A brick wall. You bounce tennis balls against it until it
disappears.]
[5: A keycard door, like in Duke3D. You realize you left the card
at home but the friendly guard lets you in.]
[4: Star Wars style blast doors. You tell them to open and close

Tom: Hey, he's not here! The bastard lied to us!

Mike: When I get my hands on him....

Crow: The movie's starting! Mommy, make it stop!

Tom: You must be this wide to read the fanfic.

Crow: Sigourney Weaver?

Mike: No, Crow, she was the Gate *Keeper*.

Crow: Oh. Rick Moranis.

Mike: No, he was the *Key* Master.

Crow: Maybe this is their unholy union.

Tom: Please, don't tell me.

Crow: Well, why else would that quote be in here?

Mike: Hope you brought a pillow.

Tom: Well, let's be optimistic. At least there's direction, so how
bad can it be?

Crow: David Gonterman--he's one of the guys who wrote "The Rangers of
NIMH," isn't he?

Mike: Mmm, yeah...think so.

Crow: Hmm.

Tom: Interesting. So what do you think, arsenic or cyanide?

Mike: Cyanide. Much quicker.

Tom: I meant *them.*

Mike: [sighing wearily] At this point, either way works just *fine*
for me.

Crow: All the little people I stepped on to produce this fanfic.

All: [Laugh]

Tom: [author] They were so nice to give me direction during my acid
trips.

Mike: [author] For not sending me into space in a planned bizzare
experiment.

Crow: [author] For taking so long to produce Star Wars 1 and making
it such a bomb that I had enough free time to write this fanfic.

Tom: [author] They really didn't do anything to help me, but I just
love "Dilbert."

Mike: [author] Who promised me dates with Betty and Veronica.

Mike: What the hell is that?

Crow: I think it's something the Voyager crew does.

Tom: So that's the reason he thanked Paramount. My bad.

Crow: Hey. You think he's a distant cousin?

Mike: Could be. I seem to recall some Nylons in the family tree.

Tom: [singing] Mike Neylon, Tom Currie, and all, Old Uncle Tom
Cobley and all!

Tom: That's MiSTer Daring Cadre to you, pal.
[From somewhere in the back of the theater, we hear a crashing,
thunderous wave of applause. All look around in complete confusion.]

Crow: Is that for us?

Mike: [shaking his head] Somebody out there *really* loves Archie
Comics...

Crow: It's official. The guy is definitely an engineer.

Mike: Wow, with all these contributions this oughta be one hell of a
fanfic.

Tom: No one said they were contributions, Mike.

Crow: Oh, my God! It's so long that they need a program!

Mike: Relax. I'm sure they just borrowed the credits scene from some
Ratliff story.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike: For those of you just joining in.

Crow: [muttering] A blue cartoon hedgehog is our "hero"?

Tom: Yeah--kind of in the same way that temping three afternoons a
week for your Uncle Roy is a "job."

Tom: Hey. It's a DS9/"Spy that Shagged Me" crossover.

Mike: [Powers] We need some juice in my torpedo tube, baby.

Crow: [Powers] Hey, wanna see how I handle my "Tails?"

Tom: Oh, behave.

Crow: What she is a princess of is not important.

Mike: Elicia?

Tom: [Solo] Whatever you say, Princess.

Crow: Ground Hedgehog? Those "Redneck Cookbooks" are getting out of
hand.

All: Gesundheit.

Mike: Hmm ... A-N-T-I-K-A-Y-I-T ... nope.

Tom: Hmm?

Mike: Every time I see a funny-looking name I read it backward.
Ratliff syndrome.

Mike: A cooler brand of cigarettes.

Crow: We are the knights who say Nya!

Mike: Is that "Nye-a" or "Nee-a"?

Tom: I'm pronouncing it "Nyaah."

Mike: Those are just made up! What about Diablo and Canus and
Reynard?

Tom: You're scaring me, Mike.

All: [monotone] Boo.

Mike: This is just like the credits for a Western.

Crow: Who later changed his name to Packard Bell.

Mike: [Packbell] You're not my father!

Crow: Loopy the Wolf? Now it's a Hanna-Barbarra Crossover!

Mike: [Loopy] I'm really a good wolf. I'll prove it by acting
really stupid in a pathetic attempt for friendship.

Tom: And now it's a Grease crossover.

All: Gasp!

Mike: It IS a western!

Crow: [Dudley DoRight] Snively Whiplash? I've got to warn Nell!

Crow: So that makes him Packbell's cousin.

Crow: Wait...those are two different names.

Mike: Well, now they're showing the real credits. That's the name
of the actor.

Tom: A boy named Skye? I'd rather be a boy named Sue.

Crow: "Skye Wolfe." Strong enough for a man, but feminine enough for
a woman.

Tom: And brother to The Shadow.

Crow: Hey, no one said this was a Captain Planet crossover too!

Mike: This is getting weirder and weirder.

Tom: I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel.

Tom: I'm wide awake and I can see my perfect Skye is torn.

Mike: I wonder if they sell family trees like "Gasoline Alley."

Crow: [Costello] So, you gonna tell me her sister's name?

Tom: [Abbott] Tamara.

Crow: [Costello] Why can't you tell me today?

Mike: The "Who's on First" sketch, for those of you from another
planet.

Tom: And apparently unworthy of having last names.

Mike: If the writing implement fails, you should use your secondary
pen key.

Crow: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Now it's a TNG/Back to the Future
crossover!

Tom: After tiring of that teacher babe, Dr Drown marries the failed
doctor of the second season.

Mike: [Doc] I have to change my name? Great Scott!

Tom: Oh, that helped a lot. Thanks.

Mike: [Doc] We missed a line. We have to send ourselves... Back
to the future!

Crow: After being wanted by the police for murdering several
immortals, he hid out using a dozen aliases....

Tom: Oh, great. Now it's a Jurassic Park crossover.

Mike: [Hammond] You still have some explaining for the computers'
failures....

Crow: [Nedry] Give me a break. I needed to tie in six systems....

Mike: [Hammond] I don't want excuses. Just results.

Crow: [Nedry] In this fanfic? Forget it.

Mike: These Volkswagen commercials get weirder every year.

Crow: As affirmed by a team of anthropologists.

Tom: Someone has issues with his education.

Mike: You're being force-fed knowlege. Accept it.

Tom: And husband of Virginia Wolfe. But you knew that already.

Mike: Later, due to a tragic mishap during a gynecology exam, she
had to change her last name to Rabbit.

Mike: At least here he has admitted to the fact that he doesn't have
any info on this character.

Mike: No relation to any other characters. She was happy about that.

Tom: That's almost as sad as being titled "Picard's Wife." What, she
doesn't do anything else?

Crow: Played by Antsy DoCoolit, Captain of the Scotch Guard.

Tom: Repeat after me... "This is a very foolish plan."

Crow: [Antoine] "Zees ees a very feulish plan."

Mike: That's not nice, you guys.

Mike: Is this Wolfpack supposed to be the animal version of Power
Rangers or something?

Tom: Nah. The names are obviously indicative of Mortal Kombat.

Tom: We were kind of anticipating him.

Mike: Crow, five Washingtons says Davey Krockett is coming up in the
next three lines.

Crow: You're on!

Mike: Redundant Redundant

Crow: Aww, darn.

Mike: Pay up.

Crow: Great. Now it's a Mother Goose crossover.

Mike: John Skunk needed no spunk.

Tom: As seen from facial tick.

Crow: He was so vigilant, he stunk.

All: Just like this whole fanfic.

All: Liked Seven of Nine.

Tom: Actually, I'm tired of rhyming.

Crow: It makes us all styming.

Mike: "Styming"?

Tom: Thril as he renounces the evils of Tide and Downy!

Mike: [Minnewegian] Oh, yah, for that bathtub ring you need the good
*ethnic* cleanser.

Crow: [same] Found the Rock Ursine on sale over to the Ben Franklin
store. So *reasonable!*

Tom: Rotor Rooter

Mike: [Rotor] I canna break the laws of physics. Not unless I go
500 over my original estimate.

Crow: [Borg] You will feel nauseous. Resistance is futile.

Tom: Self proclaimed eradicator of Sir Abel.

Mike: And now, the National League team of today's All-Star Game....

Crow: The Cosa Nostra.

Tom: 'Cause this is a nice hedgehog fanfic, and you wouldn't want
anything to HAPPEN to it....

Tom: [author] I want to be fully embarrassed. Got it?

Mike: Well, the second one is definitely true. Just try selling it
for profit.

Crow: Hey, say what you will, but this is *already* more subtle and
resonant than "Coyote Ugly."

Tom: [author] So anyone who doesn't like it is a jerk and a dink and
a big mean poopyhead.

Tom: [Author] Please? I'll be your best friend.

Crow: Do we have to?

Mike: Yes, honey. It's what the author is looking for.

Crow: Aww...

Tom: Well, good for them.

All: The hell?

Mike: Well, because we're talking about animals, we indicate "those
furs."

Crow: I get it. And because we're talking about rather stupid
animals, they're all especial.

Tom: I still think that last sentence needs a "Trp]" somewhere.

Crow: These guys were disowned by SEGA, and are now fugitives from
justice.

Tom: Is it a requirement to name a character after yourself?

Mike: Like GE. We bring good things to life.

Mike: This story may cause dizziness, nausea and drowsiness. A small
number of pregnant women may experience acute side affects....

Tom: If they find a dead guy, he's dead in a totally different way
from other dead guys.

Crow: The following is a true story. The names have been changed to
protect the innocent.

Mike: However, the release of this fanfic did cause immeasurable
trauma to a temp worker and two robots.

Tom: I'm sorry. You've gotta be real low if you cheated your dog out
of the credit and profits.

Crow: [Dog] All right. I think the final scene needs a car chase.
But don't tell *anyone* I helped you work on this.

Mike: Pawing?

Crow: He's taking this "anthropomorphic animal" thing waaaaaay too
seriously.

Mike: [author] My laziness toward doing actual research.

Tom: [author] My mom said that was okay, and she's *way* smarter
than you!

All: You must acquit.
[All vanish.]

Crow: [Sigh] I guess nobody could resist that joke.

Crow: [author] And if it's completely stupid, it's because my dog
ate it.

Crow: Use the same character for Darien. However, Mobius' Selma is
played by a peacock, allowing the show to appear on NBC.

Tom: Oh, great. A fanfic that makes us synchronize our watches.

Crow: [author] Earth says "She's all that," Mobius says "Baby is the
bomb diggity."

Crow: Wow. Maybe they're all Jewish.

Mike: Crow?

Crow: Well, think about it. The Jewish year in our universe is 5760
this September 1999. Maybe it's 3238 in another universe.

Tom: Or maybe we're talking "long, long time ago, in a galaxy"
populated by Chinese.

Mike: Wow. Even Gonterman wasn't willing to claim that right.

Tom: Yeah, sure. They're an advanced civilization, yet they don't
have iced coffee? Not a chance....

Crow: So how far are we into this thing--about ten chapters?

Mike: It hasn't started yet, Crow.

Crow: Cyanide. Definitely cyanide.

Mike: [author] So if you can't visualize this, it's your fault.

All: What?

Tom: So, the visual effects are from the Wayans and Marx Brothers,
and the sound is from Steve Urkel.

All: [singing] The screen is white! It turns by daaaaaaay, and then
by night!

Crow: I'm sorry. I just don't have the imagination for that.

Mike: Malcolm X was right. Everything IS about race.

Tom: For those of you watching, we deeply regret that joke. Please
don't call the PC Police....

Mike: [stoned] Whoa, I can see the notes coming straight at me.

Tom: Of course, following the success of flat screens, the stereo of
the future will be nearly two-dimensional.

Tom: The louder whistling noise grows corn. Perfect for this
opening.

Crow: Okay, our music sucks. But it's entirely organic.

All: Ooh. Aah.

Mike: Le Petomaine exits the stage, his career in tatters.

Tom: Mike, if this turns into Fantasia, do not take any steps to
revive me.

Mike: Well, that was worthwhile.

Tom: Philip Glass calls, demanding his sound back.

Crow: In a "diverse reality" where the Warren G. Harding Elementary
School Recorder Chorus are the greatest musicians of history.

All: Thunder--thunder--thundercracks! HO!

Tom: Do you get the impression that this guy's just copping out?

Mike: Get to the story already!

Crow: Sorry, guys. My HMO won't let me watch this. [Gets up to
leave]

Mike: Sit down.

Crow: Fine. But you'd better be willing to talk to my primary care
physician.

Tom: Minion of Gozer.

Mike: Dead of cardiac failure, you hardly notice.

Tom: [Ghost] Who dares beseech me to curse the darkness....

Crow: The readers, sensing disaster, quickly flee the premises.
[He starts getting up; Mike pulls him back into his seat.]

Crow: See! Told you they were Jewish!

Mike: Hhm. I guess you were right.

Tom: Funny. Tails doesn't look Jewish.

Mike: Oh. They went to Ludicrous speed.

Crow: No, that's plaid. Ridiculous speed is colored lines.

Tom: [Picard] Set course to wackiness, warp level 5. Engage.

Mike: Anyone wanna make a "Head towards the light" reference?

Bots: Ooh! Me, me!

Crow: Is that one singularity sensation?

Tom: Before forming a singularity, it's waiting for Voyager to show
up.

Mike: [Costello] Why? I wash my underwear with the right soap.

Mike: Then you realize you have no pants on. It's wacky.

Crow: Thus proving that the Prophets have a ridiculous sense of
humor.

Mike: It's the Pah Wraiths!

All: NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Tom: Damn you, Gul Dukat!

Tom: Telescope maintenance requires you wipe that off.

All: The hell?

Crow: Sort of like what they did to Sisko. Only more dignified.

Mike: Typo. That should be "parasite."

Crow: A paradise compared to *what,* downtown Detroit?

Mike: "Diverse reality," Crow. Explains everything. Diverse
reality.

Tom: Does it explain why we're about twenty pages into this thing and
*the story hasn't started yet?*

Mike: It's only been a paragraph. Diverse reality. *Only* a
paragraph. [Weeps.]

Tom: And the mercurial Princess Acorn as its thermometer.

Crow: After Robotnik reproduced, creating David Kintobor, Mobius just
went straight downhill from there.

Mike: Crow, I let the last one slide. Don't even think about doing
this one.

Crow: Damn it.

Tom: Microsoft Bob!

Crow: Though he did show mercy to the sparsely settled.

All: Huh?

Crow: So, Mobius was a paradise with industrial pollution covering
the world....

Mike: And Robotnik laid waste to it by conquering the land and making
them clean it up. Damn that treehugger!

Tom: Okay. Now the fanfic makes sense; it's an Ayn Rand novel.

Mike: This is all in a parallel universe so it doesn't really matter.

Tom: For example, we didn't lose the car keys.

Crow: Wow. This really IS a parallel universe.

Tom: As opposed to a bold group of timid rebels?

Mike: Marsha Brady.

Bots: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

All: Star Wars heroes!

Tom: Six of one, half dozen of the other....

Tom: ...the television remote control.

Mike: And to figure out how to keep that arms-for-hedgehogs deal out
of the Washington Post.

Crow: Whiny Jedi.

Tom: I think it's the crazy pilot.

Mike: Bill Clinton when a woman enters the room.

Crow: Could still be Bill Clinton.

Tom: Guess Bill Clinton no longer applies. Tony Hawk?

Mike: Lance Armstrong?

Crow: Senator Chuck Hagel?

All: [monotone] Yaaay. [They get up to leave.]

Tom: Um, don't hedgehogs have *four* feet?

Mike: Shh.

[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[Bridge of the SOAR.]

MW: So, how was it?

Mike: YOU!

MW: Uh, any constructive criticism?

Crow: I think that this story would be much better if you shoved it
down your pants and set it on fire!!

Tom: I get first dibs on biting him!

MW: Oh, come on. It was just the first part....

Mike: First part of what?

MW: Uh, 25.

Crow: Kill me, Mike! Kill me now!!

Tom: Maybe we could name each part like the mystery writers. This
part would be "A is for Atrocious," the next part is "B is for
Belabored," the last part is "Just Y?"...

Mike: And you knew about this--and how we DIDN'T need to be in the
theater....

MW: Please, you must listen to me. In a few days, Dr Forrester will
rule the Omniverse and...and it's all my fault.

Crow: Oh, boy. Cue exposition man.

Tom: I don't get it. I thought that he was...

MW: Well, he wasn't! He faked his death, studied any source that
would help him control his star baby form...and wound up here,
in the Universe you know as cyberspace. Here, every thought and
idea is a pocket of reality....

Mike: You mean that somewhere around here is a place where Marrissa
Picard made captain, John Winston is right and Bush makes
sense?

Crow: Boy that's depressing. Especially the last part.

Tom: [mutters something rather mean]

MW: He started getting more power, bent several pockets of the
universe to his will, and then...

Mike: And then he found "GateMeister."

MW: It was... I never meant for it to be released or seen by anyone
else. It was just a personal project. My entry when I made a
bet with my teacher over who could be the bigger time waster.

Crow: Well, congratulations on your overwhelming victory....

MW: I lost.

Tom: What the hell did she do? Run Nader's campaign?

MW: He's developing a machine as we speak. It will beam the story
through monitors straight into user's brains. All 25 parts will
enter the cerebrum in nanoseconds and the shock will keep
everyone's brain off balance long enough to accept suggestive
messages.

Crow: And he'll use that to take over Earth.

Mike: I still don't understand why we had to watch your...

MW: We are not alone. A young engineer named Melvin Pollack was able
to sneak special code into the files that can be activated by
studying story changes. They lead to clues that will allow us to
track down each key. The more keys we get....

Tom: The less this video game gets original.

MW: For example, we found that the first key lies in the realm of the
Guerinverse.

Mike: As in Peter Guerin?

MW: We can still head there and....

Crow: You head there. We're going back home.

MW: Mike, you guys are the only ones that could ever survive this
story or defeat Forrester. We... we're afraid. Every other
person has failed. You must save us. For your universe's sake.
And ours.

Mike: [thinking for a bit] Crow, take the conn. Tom, you're at Ops.
Gypsy at tactical. Mike...That's going to get confusing...
Mike, take science.

Tom: Surely you can't be serious....

Gypsy: He's serious and don't call him Shirley. About time I got a
funny line in this series.

Mike: Set course for the Guerinverse, full steam ahead. [He pulls on
his jumpsuit, Picard style. It rips.] Oh, just engage.

[Insert Level 1, Scene 2. The Guerinverse portion consists of
collecting items through a Japanese library populated by frightening
images. It is an RPG-style area that all must search.]

[CONTINUED in part 2.]

All: [Pop in]

Gypsy: We made it!

Mike: And here's the key. A book about Japanese books.

Tom: And look at all the cool stuff we got. A katana, a super-
soaker, nut clusters, Daria's bra, a panda necklace....

Crow: Somehow, I have trouble believing that Daria is a Double-D.
Say, where can we put this stuff?

MW: Oh, let me give you a tour of the collection area. That large
box is our total inventory. The small box with the lit bottom
is our portable inventory so that discovered items can be beamed
back and forth. The large screen shows the collection of
Cambot's recordings, the small screen shows the collections of
messages, scans, and the on-board encyclopedia, and that flashing
light is...

All: Fanfic Sign!

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

Tom: The lamest fanfic ever created!

Mike: See the shock! Witness the horror! Feel the nausea!

Crow: And all for just three easy payments of $34.99!

Tom: THC QATEMAZTCR?

Mike: "THE GATEMASTER."

Tom: Then why the hell didn't they just come out and say it?

Mike: So, to recap from the last part, this is going to be a Sonic
the Hedgehog/Austin Powers/Star Trek/Hanna-Barbara/Jurassic
Park/Captain Planet/Back to the Future/Mother Goose crossover
fic.

Tom: Two names I am DEFINITELY crossing off my Christmas card list.

MW: [offscreen] Hey!

Crow: Yeah, well, "sonik" you too, buddy!

All: [Singing] Gonterman, Gonterman. Does whatever a Gonter can.
What that is, I don't know. Do I care to find out? No! Look
out! Here comes the Gonterman!

Tom: The best use of spoiler space in a fanfic since "Stolen
Memories."

Mike: Okay, starting any second now--

Mike: Or not.

Crow: Sheesh, the Academy Awards have shorter opening production
numbers!

Mike: 2. Appended to any common or proper noun, it designates a new
presidential scandal.

Crow: Wait...what kind of definition is that?

Mike: [thumbing through dictionary] It's right here in the
"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

Crow: That explains it.

Tom: But it's not really called a gate. It's called a...Damn,
where's my Trekker guide?

Crow: See, Robotnik has a slight problem with the concept of a
padlock.

Mike: [Sally] Okay, Freedom Fighters! I've come up with the best
way to win! BUILD A GATE AROUND ROBOTROPOLIS!

Tom: First rule of any good story--*always* give away the ending in
the midst of a five-thousand-page preface and hope nobody
notices.

Tom: Ohhhh, so it's an island off the coast of Scotland!

Mike: He means the character.

Crow: He turned into a gate?

Mike: No, he's the way the fight for freedom will be won.

Tom: And what's "The Greatest Freedom Fighter" Sonic? Chopped liver?

Mike: Look, do you really expect a Sonic fanfic to make any logical
sense? Just watch.

Crow: Boy, someone got off on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Tom: That would be me. Sorry for the wall damage by the way.

All: AAAHHH! Uh, hi.

Crow: [Storyteller] I don't want to be here any more than you do.
They *made* me.

Tom: We're serving free acid during the fic.

Mike: We can hardly wait.

Tom: Do we get frequent flier miles?

Mike: [Storyteller] Ours begins with a rabid duck, a giraffe with a
silver leg and a gruff, yet sensitive, air traffic controller
named "Monty."

Mike: "Little time"? That's a good thing.

Crow: How dare we be forced to use comprehension and standard POV
Techniques?

Tom: Mike, this isn't going to become an experimental story, is it?

Mike: I hope not. We barely survived "The Death of Artemio Cruz."

Mike: [Rod Serling] A fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to
man.

Tom: Umm...well, there would be some other universes out there,
and...that's all, really.

Crow: Yes! I can see it! It is as vast as space and as timeless as
infinity!

Tom: Too late. They already made that premise into a TV series.

Tom: ...In that middle ground between light and shadow...

Crow: ...Between science and superstition...

Mike: And he brought beer?

Tom: This sounds like the lead-in to a song in a Disney movie.

Crow: I hope he's not talking about Krockett.

Tom: And it all lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit
of his knowledge.

Mike: Is that the same as diverse realities?

Crow: If it involves incoherent writing and deep personal stupidity,
Mr. Storyteller's home free.

Crow: But this person is about to find out that the realm requires a
pit stop.

All: As they get their roadmap in....

Mike and Tom: The Twilight Zone!

Crow: [same time] The Outer Limits!

Mike: Crow!

Crow: Whoops!

Tom: Nice going, moron.

Crow: He becomes a Magic Eye puzzle?

Mike: No, he becomes [dramatic] The Gatemeister!

Tom: Just one Gatemaster? Wouldn't it be "Gatemasters?"

Tom: [Storyteller] And yet, all of you will end up trapped in middle
management. Ironic, huh?

Mike: Realize, in another parallel universe, that this story actually
begins somewhere.

All: The Twilight Zone!

Crow: I got it right that time.

Tom: Good for you.

Crow: The ultimate adventure begins with Microsoft?

All: [singing] Moon River....

Crow: Hey, that sounds dirty!

Tom: Attention, Author! Everybody in the late 20th century,
regardless of their relative respect of the Sci-Fi genre,
understands the concept of a parallel universe! We get the
"people travel to it through a magic gate" concept. So can we
start? Get this over with?

Mike: Michael Wolfe. Mood-setting since 1943.

Crow: Without taking a single break for, say, actual story writing.

Tom: Actually, since a parallel universe consists of paths untaken,
shouldn't that read "worlds that could have been"?

Mike: The humidity is thirty-eight percent. Dew point...

Tom: It... It started!

All: Yaaayyyyy!!!!!

Mike: Isn't that "Skye"?

Crow: Should I accuse you of Mike syndrome?

Crow: In other words, dropping like a stone?

Tom: Normally, wingless avians cannot fly. But you have fairy dust.

Mike: [wingless avian] Great. Shot via catapult through a storm.
Valujet? Hah!

Tom: [singing] From the last Tango in Paris, to the last plane out
of Saigon....

Crow: Oh, so we're wingless parrotheads.

Crow: Wow. That's so... 80s.

Mike: I haven't seen that T-Shirt slogan in years.

Tom: A custard stain on the side of Mount Rushmore.

Crow: So, when he said we were out of it, he meant we were
unconscious.

Tom: Probably from the G Forces in freefall.

Mike: Or the Golly G forces of this fanfic.

Tom: Mike, if he says the title or anything to do with gates, I'm
gonna kick him in the shins.

Mike: My...My God. Dare we hope?

Crow: I think...It could be....

Tom: Brace yourselves. Wait for the next line....

Mike: The story has officially started!

All: Yaaayyyyy!!!!!

Tom: The Great Planes are landing.

Crow: Oh, God! We'll be wingless avians for the rest of the year!

Mike: [Spock] And 27 seconds. But that is only an approximation.

Tom: [singing] Jimmy was a race car driver, he drove so goddamned
fast...

Crow: The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Hedgehog.

Tom: [Sonic] AUGH! I'm being kidnapped by my shoes!

Crow: [Sonic] I'll wash my socks from now on! I swear!

Mike: "Flew over the ground." That must be us, in wingless avian
mode.

Tom: Actually somebody just put the fanfic on fast forward.

Mike: The first fanfic written as a travel brochure.

Crow: What's so great about an expanse of nothing?

Tom: It's a minimalist thing.

Tom: Wait. Didn't the war already begin?

Mike: They're talking about after the defeat of Robotnik. A brief
peace, followed by The Clone Wars.

Crow: Boy, this is WAY more complex than anything they do in Sliders.

Mike: On the range?

Crow: To some, it was land just waiting to be developed.

Tom: Is that opposed to all the other blue hedgehogs?

Mike: Tom, let it go.

Tom: Damn it, author! You don't have to be coy!

Crow: [Sonic] Not that this falls under "playground."

Mike: No, of course not.

Crow: An immovable object smashed it to pieces and ended the story.
Hooray!

Mike: Crow, that's an *irresistible* force.

Crow: You're *trying* to make me cry, aren't you?

All: RADAR!

Tom: What's the procedure if your hedgehog's engine catches fire?

Crow: First, you have to get out of the fanfic when it comes to a
complete stop.

Mike: This fanfic never even started.

Crow: [Tails] Was it something I said?

Mike: [Tails, as Tonto] Me think Sonic take this trail.

Crow: [Tricorder noises]

Mike: [Spock] Fascinating, Captain.

Tom: It's a Star Wars crossover?

Crow: That explains the force.

Mike: You guys. They're in DC.

Mike: [Tails] It's unusual to see segregationist rocks.

Crow: Blue me.

Mike: Crow!!!

Tom: [Author] Oh, my God! He's a tourist!

All: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Mike: [Texan] Back at the ranch.

Crow: Hey, Mike, is this a hidden valley?

Crow: [Sighing] Will product placement in fanfics never end?

Tom: At least he's not having a Gatorade.

Mike: Or a SURGE!

Crow: [Sonic] First, I move a foot forward....

Mike: Actually, Sonic rolls.

Tom: I thought that's what he had Tails around for--

Mike: Okay, nipping this in the bud right now. *No.*

Tom: Damn.

Mike: DeShields was out with yet ANOTHER injury.

Tom: So he tripped over a granny and jaywalked. I don't think that's
grounds to expel him.

Tom: [Sonic] All right, I'll lose weight!

Mike: [citizen] Oh, my God! He's running! That's gonna hasten our
moral decline!

Crow: Mike? If we complain enough, you think our authors will go to
the Great Plains just to write?

Tom: I'm still trying to determine the relevance.

Tom: Flash back to *what?* Nothing's *happened* yet!

Mike: Oh, come on--a good set of endless opening notes *deserves* a
second glance.

Crow: [Sonic] You don't understand 'cause you're bourgeois!

Crow: [Sonic] Hey, I can run and think at the same time.

Crow: *Their* problem is *you!*

Mike: [Sally] They see you wearing those bikini shorts and....Whoa,
it even gives *me* the shivers.

All: [Stare open-mouthed.]

Crow: So, the reason that Sonic's civil rights were violated is....
Illegal immigrants?

Mike: And we get a flashback to see why Sonic can't run in Knothole,
but we don't get to find out what the problem is in Akila
Valley?

Mike: [Sonic] You think I'm gonna let some Hispanic dictate my free
time?

Crow: [Sonic] Well, as President of the Need for Running Animals, I
refuse to allow common-sense laws to take place. You can take
my running shoes when you pry them away from my cold, dead
toes!

Crow: [Sally] Wanted to talk about that, too. Ever hear of soap?

Mike: Uh, the local bar. Like everyone else.

Tom: Bet those illegal immigrants don't like "drinking and driving"
either.

Tom: [Sally] --Force the immigrants in line by holding him for
ransom?

All: [singing] Face to face. A couple of silver spoons....

Mike: ...where there is some sort of horrible, unknown event taking
place, causing the area's evacuation.

Tom: [sighs] This guy learned how to write from Charles Dickens,
didn't he?

Mike: Well, all magazines pay by the word now.

Crow: I'm sure it'll become relevant. I heard that chapter five has
a zoning ordinance scene that was nominated for an Emmy.

Mike: The sequel to "Silver Streak?"

Tom: If I ask what the hell that was, do you promise not to tell me?

Crow: I'm betting it was a hallucination, Alex.

Mike: Sorry. You forgot to ask it in the form of a question.

Tom: Yowtch! That's gotta hurt.

Crow: Little buddy?

Tom: Oh, I get it. He was singing about how fast he was. Heh, heh.
Mike, please kill me.

Crow: You know you're full of yourself if you keep singing your own
theme song.

Mike: [Sonic] Really? Where?

Tom: Thump!

Crow: Splat!

Mike: [Sonic] Never mind.

Crow: [Sonic] Oh, is that what that sign said? Damn, I hate being
illiterate.

Tom: Well, if he missed the giant rock formations, he's probably
either blind or REAllY dizzy.

Tom: [Sonic] Tails, Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste more like
regular Dr. Pepper.

Mike: [Sonic] --sightseeing. Can't visit the Great Plains without a
picture of the rock formation.

Crow: [Richard Simmons] And bend. And stretch. And quill. Feel
the burn!

Mike: Guys, don't even....

Crow: Wise.

Tom: Er.

Mike: Sigh. Guess it was unavoidable.

Tom: [Crescent 1] I shall be the only moon.

Crow: [Crescent 2] Oh yeah? Prepare to die, rockhead!

Mike: [Pillars] We're behind you every step of the way.

Crow: Hey, is this Stonehenge?

Tom: So, we violated the laws of geometry to state that the pillars
were upright, and Tails was standing near a sheer drop.

Mike: See how much easier it is to read when you skip every other
word.

Crow: Wow. It *is* just like reading Charles Dickens.

Mike: They're coming in too fast!

Crow: Stay on target!

Tom: [Sonic] Was Kennan's theory of Soviet containment ultimately a
hindrance to the long-standing ideal of Balkan state autonomy?

Tom: Look, look, look, Jane said.

Mike: Oh, a Mountain Dew commercial.

Tom: You forgot "BE the loop."

Crow: SUUUUURRRRGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!

Tom: Shouldn't the author have added that Mach 1 was the speed of
sound, just in case it wasn't beaten into us enough times?

Mike: Maybe he finally found his rhythm.

Mike: Of course, if the author means that Sonic's running a loop just
like in the video game, he's not technically running straight
up.

Crow: Ooh, that wacky hedgehog.

Mike: Jeans?

Tom: Between his ears.

Tom: Isn't this so exciting? It's like reading about a golf
tournament.

Crow: The opposing crescents also backed down.

Mike: The rock formation floated in midair.

Tom: So Sonic reached the end of the formation and fell to his death.

Crow: Why, that is fortunate.

Mike: The ground kind of rose upward, but not really.

Crow: Gosh, isn't that amazing? It's almost like somebody planned it
that way just so Sonic could do tricks on it!

Tom: Fangio?

Crow: Stickly-Prickly?

Mike: Spiny Norman?

Tom: He was going to drive the bus over it at over 55 miles an hour
to jump over the missing section of the bridge.

Mike: It's a nice sport, but there's too much money in it.

Crow: Got sued by the Koosh Ball industry.

Mike: Signifying nothing.

Tom: [Groucho Marx] The second party of the second part, hereafter
to be known as the second party of the second part.

Mike: Where his quills got stuck in the cracks, sticking Sonic to the
pillar.

All: [Laugh]

Crow: So, this guy gets his name from Wrestling?

Tom: Well, he needs a cooler name then Evil Knievel.

Mike: Hey, maybe this is a plot twist. Robotnik's testing his new
pure-cobalt shells.

Crow: Which didn't matter because if Tails had to watch him through
binoculars, the rock formation had to be really far from the
cliff.

Tom: Isn't the scale ten points?

Mike: [Sonic] AAAAAAAUUUUGGGH! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! THE BONE'S
STICKING OUT OF MY SHIN!!

Crow: There's a sick joke there, but I'll avoid it in the interest of
keeping what sanity we have left.

Tom: [Michaelangelo] That was totally radical, dude!

Mike: If Sonic says "Cowabunga," I'm leaving. Oxygen or no oxygen.

Mike: Ah, he must be a druid. He's giving thanks to the trees.

Crow: Awww, how *cute.* Mike, can we hit him?

Mike: [grimly] Take a number and get in line.

Crow: [Tails, bored] This is stupid. How long do I have to sit out
here?

Tom: [Sonic] Just after I EAT you!

Crow: [Tails] But I left my Astroglide in my other--

Mike: [ominous] Crow, what did I say?

Crow: [muttering] Well, you didn't say it to *me.*

Tom: [Sonic] Well, when you leave the bedroom door open....

Mike: Tom!

Tom: Aw, Mike! The author's practically begging us for it.

Mike: [Sonic] Just whip out those two "tails" and... [normal] God,
you've got me doing it now.

Crow: C'mon, Mike--they're doing it on *purpose* now!

Mike: I don't *care.* Ignore it.

Crow: [whiny] Miiiiike...

Mike: Crow, putting plushie slash pictures in Mike's head equals no
RAM chips for a month. *Stop.*

Crow: [Sonic] I didn't mean the Flaming Fart. The other trick.

Mike: He's gonna bend spoons with his mind.

Tom: The only one in this story. Hope you enjoyed it.

Crow: This is like reading a Mortal Kombat fanfic.

Mike: So Tails also imitates Sonic's drug habit.

Mike: [Tails] It's called my Lemming Maneuver!

Crow: [Tails] Oh, no. There isn't a BED here, is there?

Mike: Crow!

Crow: TO JUMP ON! Geez, Mike. A young kid leaps off a self-made
cliff onto a bed! What the hell is the matter with you?!

Mike: [Sonic] Oh, darn. I'll miss him. Well, what's for dinner?

Tom: Mike, is there a point to this scene?

Mike: Absolutely. It's to waste time.

Crow: Yeah. Didn't they cover padding in your Writer's Workshop?

Crow: He was Riding with Death.

Tom: Remember, kids: if you jump off a cliff, you can stop in midair
by wearing a fur coat. Scientists will insist you simply slow
your acceleration. Tell 'em off.

Mike: Tails placed a high spade in an attempt to win the contract.

Crow: Chopped a broom in half.

Tom: Tails revved his tails? Now there's one for the books.

Mike: We established that his fur coat did that.

Crow: Rather, Tails endeavored to rotate his twin blades of bundled
fur solely for the joy of doing so and padding this fanfic
still further.

Crow: Oh, it's a Mach 3 commercial crossover.

Tom: So.... His secret new trick is the tail fart?

Mike: Well, he is a prepubescent boy.

All: EEEWWWW!!!!

Mike: Gravity returned and Tails plunged to his doom.

Crow: Good for him. You never know what germs you'll catch if you
touch a New York sidewalk.

Tom: Began the parabolic descent toward the sandy, dust-covered
planar surface known to many as the ground.... Mike, I can't
take this anymore!

Mike: His trademark tailcopter. So if anyone else uses that
maneuver....

Crow: You'll be facing a lawsuit faster than you can say "I found the
apex of the flight allowed by my potential energy
transference."

Mike: [Tails] I was inspired while playing with a rubber band.

Crow: [Tails] Usually, when I hit the maximum of my parabolic arc,
I fire off a "Your Mama" joke.

Mike: [Tails] I did this "secret" trick in broad daylight in order
to knock down the building. How did you ever find out?

Tom: [Tails] Crushed a family of four sleeping inside, too--*damn,*
that was funny. Bone fragments everywhere.

Mike: Uh, Tom--

Tom: Geez, Mike, are you editing this for the Pax Network or
something?

Tom: Can you say FORESHADOWING, boys and girls? I knew you could!

Crow: Like when you flunk hero school and have to work for a
construction company as a demolition expert.

Mike: Sad. A wallflower at a classical music ball.

Crow: [Sonic] Meet me in the garden in half an hour.

Mike: Crow!

Crow: [Sonic] I'll teach you how to do armpit farts.

Mike: Not buying it.

Mike: Tails is, what, ten? I don't think that's necessary yet.

Crow: "Vixies"?

Tom: [Tails] You know that I'm out of the closet. Why do you keep
saying that?

All: [Pillsbury Dough Boy Laugh]

Mike: Hey, when is a hole knot a hole?

Crow: Boy, some people REAllY suffer from sunburn.

Crow: [weakly] See, it's a rebel yell, 'cause he's a freedom
fighter, and it's, y'know, wacky.

All: [Laugh.]

Tom: [Hans, from Die Hard] Still playing the cowboy, Mr McClane?
You Americans are all alike.

Mike: [Bruce Willis] You've made quite a cowboy yourself.

Tom: [Hans] Ah, yes. How do you Americans say it. [Makes gun-cock
noise.] Yippee kai yay.

All: Run away! Run away!

Crow: Can't you just say "Mach 2?"

Crow: It helps him counteract the G Forces, and keeps him from
talking to himself.

Tom: The other times he yells "PEANUTS!" Nobody knows why.

Tom: At 9.9% interest.

Mike: Tom, there is no interest in this fanfic.

Crow: We interrupt our first attempt at action to bring you a
flashback. Hope you don't mind.

Mike: [Bruce Willis] Call me Roy.

Crow: --A bizarre experiment involving a duck, an Imac, and a can of
chili. We've decided not to inquire further.

Tom: "Three's a crowd" has never been more apt.

Crow: Ha, I always knew he was outlandish.

Mike: I was wondering when we'd get to him.

Tom: Specifically, a street lamp.

Mike: Charles Dickens' interpretation of Davey Kintobor. This has
"long day" written all over it.

Crow: He exposed himself during combat? Ewww!

Mike: Women do not appreciate sex without foreplay.

Crow: Mike!

Mike: Well, this is Kintobor. HE'S fair game.

Crow: --Forced the young man to realize his author double was a Star
Wars geek.

All: The shame.

Tom: The rest of the story went over the edge on page 2.

Mike: Sane in quotation marks? This story is doing our work for us.

Mike: And since that bit of exposition had NOTHING to do with
ANYTHING, let's just let it peter on out.

Tom: Don't provoke them, Mike--their backstory has the power to lay
waste to entire cities.

All: WHAT?!?

All: Whew!

Tom: This story came real close to becomeing a Lifetime Original
Movie.

Mike: He was going to hide all the pronoun tags, making sure that
Sonic would become too confused to run.

Crow: Does the author ever consider reading his stories out loud?

Tom: Nah. They're boring even for him.

Tom: Put your tails together for Puffball Daddy!

Mike: --Straight into the air. Yes, we read the first 1,000
paragraphs.

Crow: Sliced off his legs.

Tom: Almost like...a wingless avian.

Mike: We're not gonna let that one go, huh?

Crow: Are you kidding? At 3 A.M. tomorrow, I'm gonna call up the
author and scream "Wingless avian!" into the phone.

Mike: He's gonna get ya Sonic, and ya gonna be too whacked to do
anything about it, punk! Dig?

Crow: Great Plains. Great Forest. This planet was settled by a
tribe of marketing people, huh?

Tom: Oh, so it is DC.

Mike: [Evil Trees] Try to pick my apples, huh?!

Crow: --Were changed to werebears by an irate mushroom man.

Tom: Now, you've done it. Next thing we read is a Sonic/Mario
crossover.

Mike: [sings] Oh ye'll take the high road and I'll take the low
road / And I'll be in Knothole afore ye ...

Tom: Some superhero. "Well, I'll stop Robotnik. Let me tie my shoes
first."

Mike: Don't you remember? Whenever a hero ties his shoes, he
guarantees that the bad guy can't shoot him.

Crow: I think Mister Hedgehog here was just showing off. He thinks
he's all that.

Mike: Yeah, when foxes fly. ... Oh.

Crow: [Sonic] All right! I proved my superiority! Slap me some
skin, brother!

Mike: [Sonic] That patronizing enough for ya, little skipper?

Tom: [Sonic] Next week, I'm stopping at the Great Wawa for some milk
and a Great Loaf of Great Bread. Maybe you'll win then.

Crow: Their friendship has all the warm, cuddly camaraderie of Mozart
and Salieri.

Mike: The dynamic duo?

Crow: But didn't we establish they were in Knothole village?

Tom: They're walking the rest of the trail--back out.

Tom: They met a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven sacks,
every sack had seven cats, every cat had seven kits....

Mike: That's enough, Tom.

Mike: [Sonic] Oops, sorry. Sorry. Clumsy me.

Crow: So many immigrants and you bump into everybody on the street.
This must be the mirror universe of New York.

Tom: Here, they call it the Great Apple.

Crow: Thanks. I'm gonna be up all night trying to figure out what
that sentence means.

All: The YMCA!

Tom: It's fun to stay at the...

All: YMCA!

Mike: So, they did stuff somewhere all day, then went home.

Tom: Just wanted us to know that, I guess.

Crow: Wow, the sheer *richness* of this fantasy universe--somewhere Guy
Gavriel Kay is weeping.

Mike: Still another plotline we would have liked to have been in on.

Crow: The Maquis had been decimated, and the resident Jem'Hadar did
not like fuzzy animals.

Tom: [Minnewegian voice] Ooo, I just *hate* it when that happens.
Really ruins your whole day.

Crow: [Robotnik] Wow! I planned a project to drop a thermonuclear
device on Akila Valley, called it Doomsday, and caused some
destruction. I wasn't expecting that!

All: We don't care!

Crow: Now I know why this thing is so long...IT'S All EXPOSITION!

Crow: They used to be hobbits?

Mike: [Dr. Strangelove] Animals vere bred und *SLAUGHTERED!*

Tom: Illegal immigrants shall be shot on sight. Oh, and check for
Green Cards before hiring.

Mike: The order was signed by Commissioner Gordon.

Crow: --Robotnik's spies to observe the rebel base firsthand.

Tom: This famous altruistic act was forever known as Operation:
Human Shield.

Mike: The princess WOULD have a timeshare.

Mike: To help with the family financial fix, Sally also sold seashells
by the Great Seashore.

Tom: [Sally] Yeah, yeah. Share my house. Wear my hair like
cinammon buns. Shoot my way out of imperial prisons when my
"heroes" turn out to be losers....

Crow: Especially the landlords, who still faced rent control laws.

Tom: They just wanted to sit in the bar in peace, and not be bothered
by people who "didn't take kindly to their kind."

Mike: None of them could read the want ads.

Crow: Remember, kids: a secret rebel base that would make a tempting
target for the enemy is always a great place to hide.

Tom: Sure! Just look at how safe the rebel bases were in Star Wars.

Crow: They were gonna party like it's 3599.

Tom: Into Never-Never Land!

Mike: It's only 600 people.

Tom: [Picard] How many people does it take to make it wrong,
Admiral?

Mike: That nice Mr. Buchanan suggested they might all really enjoy
traveling by boxcar--

Tom: [genuinely shocked] *Mike!*

Mike: [abashed] Uh...sorry. This story's doing things to me.

Crow: That's a free plushie joke for *us,* Mr. Family Hour.

Tom: [Sally] Hang on a second! [whispering] He's home early!
Quick, get in the bathroom, and pretend you've been fixing that
pipe!

Mike: [Tails] And miss the chance to do my Snoopy impression?
Supper! Supper, supper, supper!

Crow: Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

Tom: The official government explanation of crop circles.

Mike: [Sonic] Destroying the ecosystem is fun!

Mike: [Sally] And I just *know* he's going to ask for money again.

Crow: That anything like Dutch Uncle?

Tom: In the mirror universe of Montana.

Crow: Most of them were about the weather and the length of his
toenails. Robotropolis was pretty dull these days.

Tom: Geez. I thought Stardates were complex.

Mike: I am NOT your sweet babboo.

Tom: They're removing people's kidneys and putting them back in
upside-down!

Mike: They're gonna build a thermonuclear device that doesn't work
and shoot it at a populated area with the goal of doing no
damage whatsoever.

Crow: It's called "Operation: Doomsday." That's what the supplier
will be after we prove his thermonuclear devices don't work.

Crow: [Sonic] I already suggested one. What do you think you're
doing up there? Getting an MBA?

Tom: [Sir Charles] After that, I start tossin' out bodies.

Mike: And we'll leave a light on for you.

Crow: Sad. All this to get a Pokemon.

Tom: Love and kisses,

Tom: That's Secret Agent Chuck. Ground Chuck.

Crow: P.S. Tell Sonic I still love him.

Mike: [Inspector Gadget] This message will self-destruct. Don't
worry, Chief. You can count on me.

Tom: *What* vital information? "Go spy on some guys who might be
doing stuff"?

Mike: Laugh all you want, Tom, but that's the Cold War in a nutshell.

Crow: She talked to the union leaders.

Tom: They need a team to take the first steps in organizing a recon
mission?

Mike: Dilbert's boss in a role you won't believe.

Mike: The recon team will be chosen by who can do the best hoe-down.

Crow: Even though he ALREADY has seven items on the dibs list.

Mike: [Sally] All we know is that he refuses to give up his little
dog Checkers.

Mike: [Sally] In other words, how many of you extras would like to
get killed?

Bots: Me! Me! Pick me! Me!

Tom: So, they're gonna send mailmen on a spy mission?

Crow: No, no. You're supposed to arm them with machine guns and send
them into combat.

Mike: This stereotype will be with us forever.

Mike: By an amazing coincidence, all had previously scheduled dentist
appointments.

Tom: Such as Anaheim ... Azusa ... and Cu-camonga!

Crow: So the main teams are unavailable, except for the messengers,
who volunteered the unavailable teams?

Tom: They've got nothing better to do, since the main teams are all
fried from being in Akila Valley since Project Doomsday.

Mike: But isn't this a flashback? So Project Doomsday hasn't occured
yet.... I feel dizzy.

Tom: Can't get credit? Got a home?

Mike: Oh, no! She's going to have to send someone who was well-
trained and has shown a lot of skill!

Tom: So her mortal enemy might be planning to crush her and everyone
she cares about as she sleeps and there's nobody around to find
out how or when, but it's no big deal.

Crow: Hey, it sure isn't to *me.*

Crow: Is that like life insurgence?

Mike: That's INSURANCE.

Tom: Well, what the hell do they call what they're doing in Akila
Valley? The hokey pokey?

Mike: She means she wants to give them experience in areas where they
haven't been trained.

Crow: Sally, Sally, Sally. That's what the preseason is for.

Mike: --Friend's daugher Marrissupial kept bragging about her
Coatimundi Maru time.

Crow: Yep. Can't beat the real thing.

Tom: Universe?

MIke: [Freedom Fighter] My Microsoft simulator can beat your
Microsoft simulator.

Crow: Not that I'm for making this story longer, but isn't that
supposed to be "false sense of security"?

Tom: Nah. They mean the ESP failure.

Tom: Microsoft's mail program made the FBI Top Ten list.

Mike: How dare they believe in themselves!

Crow: Sally's got a point, Mike. We could be looking at a Marrissa
syndrome, where you believe a simulation proves you're capable
of handling the main event.

Mike: [Sally] *Damn,* I'm good. I bet I figure out how toaster
strudel works any day now...

Tom: He never passed a simulation in his life. Yet he remained
arrogant.

Mike: Amazing! Arrogance harms teamwork! Who woulda thunk?

Crow: --Nobody wanted to be around him anyway.

Tom: Trash talk officially explained.

Crow: His thong bikinis were both comfortable *and* practical.

Mike: Crow--

Crow: Our freebie! *That* was our freebie!

All: [uncomfortable coughing]

Mike: He was just an insufferable, self-aggrandizing, pointy-headed,
know-it-all loudmouth.

Crow: That's harsh, Mike.

Tom: Yeah, but the only alternative is to ask Sally's definition of
"is."

Crow: Wow! She's so boring that she puts herself to sleep!

Tom: [Random audience member] We've been watching Sally stare into
space for an hour. End the presentation, already!

Mike: The western front?

Crow: I hear it's pretty quiet there.

Crow: Led by Danny Ocean, the 151st airborne division would save
the day.

Mike: Crow, nobody's gonna get that joke.

Tom: Yeah. Not everyone watches old Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra
movies on AMC.

Crow: Well, screw those losers.

Tom: [singing] Touched for the very first time!

Mike: Comes the 80s music collection. Its time has come....

Crow: That's Rat Pack, stupid!

Mike: Crow. What did I just tell you about going overboard on old
movies?

Crow: Yeah, great--they were at Ground Zero of Robotnik's
thermonuclear detonation, and now they're gonna be a crack team
of enemy-infiltrating superspies?

Tom: I just hope they bring a dustpan for all those clumps of fur.

Mike: And on that inspiring note, we leave.

[They get up and leave the theatre. Door sequence.]

[Bridge of the SOAR.]
Mike: Well, that was bad. Time for a break. [Walks toward a wall
panel, singing to himself] In the not-too-distant future,
somewhere in time and space ... [presses panel buttons] Tea,
earl grey, hot.

Crow: [Walking over] Sorry, old man. Can't do that here.

Mike: Why not?

Crow: For one thing, that's a communications panel. The replicator
is over there on that wall.

Mike: Oh.

Tom: And also because it's illegal to drink earl grey tea here. New
rule thanks to illegal immigrants.

Mike: What illegal immigrants? What are you talking about?

Tom: Those Akila Valley "refugees" that crossed our border. Coming
here, living in poverty, taking honest, demeaning, two-dollar-
an-hour jobs from blue-blooded Americans....

Crow: I think what my cybernetic counterpart is trying to say is
that hot beverages have to be kept away from the control
panels. It's a new rule to make our cleaning staff's life
easier.

Mike: Well, that seems reasonable....

Tom: Reasonableness is irrelevant! You must oppose this as you would
oppose any attack on civil rights, aside from abortion
restrictions and school prayer requirements. Those damn
immigrants....

Mike: Gypsy. Do you know why we've suddenly started pushing a left-
wing agenda?

Gypsy: Gotta keep the Trekkies' interest, Mike.

Crow: Excuse me, but immigrants don't typically hold the seat of
power. There is obviously another group that likes this....

Tom: Yeah, a group of dimwits too immoral to recognize our need to
stay away from Big Brother! Liberals!

Crow: Why you little....

Mike: Guys!

Tom: We'd be better off if they took our proposed tactics.

Crow: Is that the "Shoot on Sight" tactics or the "Speak Spanish So
They Think We're Compassionate" tactics?

Mike: Guys! That's enough! Oh, forget the tea. Adrenaline will
keep me awake. Mike, do you know where we're going yet?

MW: We're there. The Winston Catacombs.

[Catacombs. Mike beams down just as someone fires at close blank
range. The person, who is faceless, misses. The faceless person
fires again, in a random direction.]

Mike: I'm in.... It's weird. There are faceless people here.
They're shooting in every possible direction. But they're not
hitting anything, or even really aiming. It's like they've got
no strategy except to hope they hit something....

Tom: [V.O.] Congratulations. You found Al Gore's campaign strategy
team.

Crow: [V.O.] Bite me, Elephant Man.

[The close faceless person fires, hitting Mike. The panda necklace
absorbs the energy and then the faceless person.]

MW: [O.S.] They're flames. Idea sprites. And they'll collapse your
area, unless you can collect enough energy in that necklace. You
have five minutes to be shot by every one--or else. Can you do
that?

[Mike looks around. There are caverns and drops everywhere. One man
runs away, a second spins constantly, and a third is shooting a wall.]

Mike: Yeah, nothing to it.

[Scene 1-3. Mike must navigate the maze and move the characters until
every one is "captured." This opens a secret room with a miniboss--a
huge faceless man with a bazooka standing on the other side of a pool.
Mike gathers the panda breast plate. He has one minute to "catch" a
certain number of blasts from miniboss. A secret near the wall moves
him closer to the miniboss.]

[Miniboss disappears. Mike is transported to the other side.]
Mike: I've got it! The second key and his bazooka. Second key is...
a picture of a UFO.

Gypsy: [V.O.] That's not all you've got. There's a buildup of
energy.
[Mike screams as the screen is filled with light.]

-----------End Part 2--------------------------------

[CONTINUED in Part 3.]

Mike: Just take me to the theater.

MW: Just as soon as we have fanfic sign.

Mike: When is that?

MW: Ten minutes ago.

All: Fanfic Sign!!!

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

Tom: If it's that she used to be a guy, I'm leaving.

Crow: I'm not.

Crow: The strip! See, 'cause it's a...

Mike: We get it.

Mike: That anything like my inner subconscious?

Tom: Psychology has really gotten weird.

Tom: Steak and Cheese!

All: Yum.

Tom: I hope they give us an atlas soon.

Tom: And a Farmer's Almanac.

Mike: [Joe Friday] We were called down to West Los Angeles to
investigate a robbery involving Blue Boy...

Crow: [narrator] There. I said it, and I'm not sorry.

Crow: Yeah, but was it stormy?

Tom: --Fact that a werewolf just covered your eyes and is about to
eat you!!! AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

Tom: No no, that's *purple* haze.

Mike: See, I told you it was West LA.

Crow: So, Blue Boy would be Sonic. He's the guy on drugs, huh?

Tom: Yep. I'm betting Speed.

Mike: Get up, do stuff, go back to sleep, get up, do stuff, go back
to sleep, fail to capture Sonic, get angry, go back to sleep...

Crow: Ironically at the same time the thermonuclear device was
developed.

Mike: Wow, one new building.

Crow: Their economy must be growing like...fingernails.

All: INDUSTRY!

Mike: So, he built a fancy new building to store machinery. Your
tax dollars at work.

Crow: The Web Portal for all you revolutionaries out there.

Mike: FreedomNet? Is that anything like CNN?

Tom: If they have the same amount of coverage.

Crow: Or boxes from sub-basements all over the world.

Tom: Or sub-bassos from buses all over the world.

Mike: [Sub-Boss] Yeah, I know I don't have the right clearance. But
I just have to find out what's in those boxes before I deliver
them to myself.

Crow: That's Cherokee for "Made Wind Other Wolf Heard."

Tom: Just tell me that Chakotay doesn't make a cameo.

Chakotay: [v.o.] I heard that.

All: What? The hell?

Chakotay: [v.o.] Whoops. Wrong theater.

Tom: Well, I guess low knowledge of a new operation is a good reason
to sun yourself.

Crow: [Nya] And that cloud looks like a giant new building being
erected in the heart of Robotropolis.

Mike: [HtW] You have such an imagination.

Mike: They interrupted the spy plot to bring us to their date?

Crow: Hey! I heard The Giant Hanger Complex was the best movie since
Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines.

All: [singing] Inch by inch. Row by row. Gonna make those
buildings grow.

Mike: He bought those from the Sharper Image catologue.

Crow: She failed to catch the binoculars, and they fell 30 stories
before killing Ivo Robotnik, who was on a smoking break.

Tom: [Nya] Uh... Great plan of mine, huh?

Crow: Wow. Hooks for an orgy!

Mike: Crow!

Crow: Sigh. So many off-color remarks, so little time.

Tom: [singing] And so I fell for ... the leader of the pack!

Mike: I guess we had to do that one sooner or later.

Mike: [Abbott] If you're good, you can be my first mate.

Crow: [Costello] Are you sure you won't get tired of me?

Crow: [Costello] Well, you don't even appeal to me!

Mike: Hey! It's supposed to be *Great* Badlands!

Tom: He'd never bothered to ask, but those telepathic messages from
his pet hamster wouldn't lie.

Mike: Tom, I think he *is* the pet hamster.

Crow: [HtW] Damn that Esperanto experiment.

Tom: The IMDb saves the day.

Tom: Sound familiar, Mi--

Mike: If I ever hear those words again, I will tear out your
motherboards and replace them with Pop Tarts.

Tom: Shutting up.

Mike: For instance, the fact that she couldn't stand the sight of
him.

Crow: Who's Tiyakitna? His alternate personality?

Tom: Aparently "Hears the Wind" was deemed a wimpy name, so they
changed it.

Crow: And with semaphore flags.

Tom: [Yogurt] I cannot reveal that now. It shall be explained at
the proper time toward the end of the movie.

Tom: Unfortunately, he forgot to return it within 30 days, forcing
him to keep it.

Mike: Oh, they're Scottish.

Tom: In that case, "Skye" should fit right in.

Crow: [Nya] A suicide mission! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Tom: Maybe Nya's the mirror character of Fox Mulder.

Tom: Just to impress her.

Crow: Sound ...um... amicable, Mike?

Mike: [slow burn]

Tom: [chirpy] You've got distress call!

Mike: Nya and Here's Windy are both captured and killed solely
because Nya never heard of "vibrate" mode.

Crow: It's God. He thinks we should have women at our private
school.

Tom: [Robin Williams] It would have been funnier if God had called
collect.

Mike: Nobody's going to remember *Dead Poet's Society*, fellas.

Crow: Right before it fell off.

Tom: [Nya] My God! I should have pushed the button instead.

Mike: Wow, there's such intricate detail in this fanfic.

Tom: It's Lupe, the loopy lupine!

Mike: [German] Where is Siegfried?

Tom: [German] Hello, Roy!

Crow: [Nya] First of all, we're Team Three, moron.

Tom: [HtW] And we're bored. Can we go home?

Tom: [Nya] I thought I told you never to call me here.

Mike: [Nya] Just a building that appears out of nowhere, a convoy
manufacturing plant, and my partner is listening to fart
noises. Everything's status quo.

Tom: Causing the SWATBots to zero in and shoot them both. The end.

Crow: Shouldn't that be love-wolves?

Tom: Sound famili--no, wait...

Mike: And a jealous Hears the Wind kills them both.

Tom: No, I really think Tiyakitna and Hears the Wind are the same
person.

Crow: So THAT'S why you never see them both in the same room.

Crow: A giant robot comes out, Sonic destroys it, then Robotnik gets
all huffy.

Mike: The two spies are so busy looking at each other that they fail
to notice until it's too late.

Crow: Shouldn't that be "pawset"?

Tom: [Nya] I've realized I need my freedom! I'm too young to settle
down!

Mike: [Nya] And they're offering 50% off on all women's sweaters!
Get down here quick, and bring your credit cards!

Crow: It's a plane! Run away! Run away!

Tom: --Stole a tank of gas!

All: Hoverhead?

Mike: Should have taken Sudafed instead.

Crow: Paw.

Mike: Enough.

Crow: They've already reached the edge. Of insanity.

Tom: Hey, maybe they'll get on a motorcycle and jump over the
hoverhead, like in Tomorrow Never Dies.

Crow: "Freedom Fighters." Yeah, right.

Crow: Doh! Dumped before you even asked her out. Even Mike's never
sunk that low.

Mike: That's not true. Once I... Hey!

Tom: [Nya] Eww! I didn't mean that *literally*!

Mike: Standard quarterback pass play, I guess.

All: --If it hadn't been for those meddling kids!

Crow: [announcer voice] Bicycling, weenie roasts, running like a
white-assed deer from genocidal maniacs--*all* fun things to do
on a date!

Crow: Crow, not a word.

Mike: Thanks.

Tom: [hoverhead] Well, traffic seems light on Smokestack 53, but
there's an accident on Vent 495....

Mike: Did anyone think it would fly below her?

Crow: Then Nya pulls out a grappling hook, latches it onto an
obstruction from the roof, attaches a rope, jumps off, falls
into the driver's seat of her souped-up BMW, activates the
ground-to-air missiles and drives off to the tune of fancy jazz
music.

Mike: That's it. I'm not taking you to see The World Is Not Enough.

Crow: Aww...

Crow: [Chekov] She musta been cloaked, Captain.

All: [Laughing.]

Tom: The Neptune Men must be invading.

Mike: [Nya] The hoverhead! It's hovering! I never knew it could do
*that!*

Mike: Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.

Crow: Isn't it funny when a *girl* tries to escape danger?

Mike: Why did she leave it in the first place?

Crow: My God, man! Now it's a Batman and Robin crossover.

Tom: Out of shhhhhhhhape.

Crow: [Robotnik] All right! I'll wash my socks! Now come back!

Crow: But not his head. Muhahahahaha ....

Tom: We should have kept it that way.

Crow: She spits acid? That's a cool superpower. I want to spit acid
too, Mike.

Mike: Now Crow, you know your metalic skin will peel off.

Crow: I don't care. It'll be cool.

Tom: He shouldn't have to pretend, with all that acid dripping
around.

Crow: [Robotnik] By calling me by my ACTUAL name?

Tom: [deep voice] I am the master.

Mike: Only a master of evil, Lord Vader.

Tom: Huh?

Crow: Isn't Robotnik supposed to be supervising the construction of
that tower in the heart of Robotropolis?

Tom: [Robotnik] --For chasing you in this lovely hoverhead!

Mike: You what? No wonder she escaped.

Tom: Hasn't Robotnik learned anything?

Crow: Yeah, but Mike, being roboticized while keeping your
personality sounds kinda cool.

Tom: Think about it. Except for the assimilation thing, being a Borg
drone would be cool, wouldn't it?

Mike: I guess so...

Crow: What the hell? Does she wear a retainer?

Tom: Allowing Nya to stab him in the back while he was preoccupied.
The end.

Mike: [Nya] Lotion! *Lots* of it!

Crow: [Nya] I stood in a parking space in New York. Every piece of
metal was gone by the end of the day.

Mike: [Robotnik] You said that the last time you were de-roboticized
and I had to go capture you.

Tom: [Nya] Okay then, how about this one? A priest, a rabbi, and a
Martian walk into a bar ....

Crow: [Packbell] Time for another pedicure, my liege?

Crow: Those hoverheadhunters are getting pushy.

Tom: Well, obviously. If he wasn't ahead of his pursuer, the chase
would be over!

Tom: Ah. Someone afraid of commitment.

Crow: Like a jet plane, or Florence Griffith Joyner.

Crow: [HtW] Of course! I can call OSHA and get the place closed
down.

Tom: So, he's running and he bends down to pick up a heavy chain.

Mike: If he succeeds despite the laws of momentum, he probably runs
into a wall.

Mike: [HtW] There. Now it's pretty.

Tom: Yikes! He's become one of the Illuminati!

Crow: [Hoverhead] Can I have your autograph?

Tom: [Tiyakitna] This land is MY land!

Crow: [Tiyakitna] Hit me! I won't move! I promise!

Mike: [Rick Moranis] Honey, I shrunk the foxes. And the neighbor's
hedgehogs too.

Tom: ...his own neck and hanged himself rather than let himself be
taken prisoner.

Crow: [HtW] Aloha! Welcome to our island.

Tom: [Hoverhead] Was I supposed to shoot something back there?
Naaahhh.

Mike: [Chain] You call this a nose? I've played basketball with
smaller objects!

Crow: Story proofread by Dan Quayle.

Tom: A triumphant Tiyakitna "tauted" the pilot mercilessly!

Tom: [HtW] Strange place to put a hot dog stand.

Crow: [HtW] Nya, no! Bad dog! I thought you'd been paper trained.

Mike: They've been chased in two different directions by hoverpods
and were running for minutes, and they're still on the same
roof?

Crow: Let's just pause the fanfic and reflect on the eloquence of
that phrase.

Tom: Reflected he shouldn't have had so many beers.

Crow: If he hurried, he might get back to Knothole in time for Danger
Mouse!

All: Jump, jump, jump!

Mike: What some people will do to avoid using the elevator.

Crow: It's Super Hears The Wind!

Tom: The Last Action Wolf!

Mike: Tiyakitna...man.

Crow: Pat Pumaman!

Tom: Space Chief!

Mike: McCloud!

Crow: [HtW] Only I can pick Nya up. [normal] Get it? 'Cause
they're lovers...

Tom: We get it.

Mike: [Nya] How do I stop a metal enemy? I know! I'll dig my
fingernails into its skin!

Crow: [Packbell] Does this bother you?

Mike: The whatzis of huh?

Crow: [Nya] Hey! Some jerk's stealing my car!

Mike: No, I'd say Nya's the one who's "literally high" at the moment.

Mike: [Packbell] I should question you in an attempt to gain
information. But I'm being emotional this week.

Tom: Kibbles and Bits!

Crow: That Packbell was really a "Compassionate" Conservative.

Mike: Like those one-armed bandits at Caesar's Palace.

Bots: Oh, I guess we're not good enough, huh?!

Mike: Be disappointed at her bedroom performance.

Tom: Mike!

Crow: Heh, heh. Welcome to the dark side of the riff.

Crow: HEY! What's she got against cold golden steel?

Tom: [sobs] Oh, we know the pain.

Mike: Just because I made you clean out the load pan bay....

Tom: It is not fair. It is not just. It is plushie Gor.

Mike: [shuddering] Dear *God,* Tom, this is the Internet--don't just
*blurt* out ideas like that! [Pause.] Crow, what are you
writing?

Crow: [quickly concealing a notebook and pencil] Uh...nothing.
Yeah, really weird ideas. Terrible.

Tom: ...but wimped out when he found out it would take muscle.

Mike: Oh, yeah. That'll work.

Crow: [HtW] Stop looking at the brave wolf and face me, moron!

Tom: How heroic.

Crow: That won't work. Pull out a gun.

Mike: [HtW] A set of Ginsu knives! Absolutely free with this offer!

Crow: [HtW] Should I offer him ten dollars? Nah, she's not worth
that much.

Tom: [HtW] I'm quitting because of you.

Mike: [HtW] She's going to die... Ooh! Ants!

Crow: Out to the ballgame.

Mike: Crow! That was... clean?

Crow: Believe me, Mike. I did not even want to conceive the
possibility of an off-color riff here.

Mike: [Robotnik] I accept. Get over here so I can dangle you over
the edge.

Tom: [Robotnik] My God! We're actually going to use THAT old
cliche?

Crow: [Robotnik] Crap, I don't think I have a chauffeur's uniform in
your size.

Crow: You may not be captured until you pass the SATs.

Mike: [Tiyakitna] Often it says, "Those little Vietnamese peppers
were a bad idea."

Crow: Hey Mike, how come one word always means an entire sentence in
these Ancient American languages?

Mike: They developed an intricate system of shorthand over a period
of millenia.

Tom: He just acts that way on TV.

Crow: Hell, by the standards of the Bush family he's a Fulbright
scholar.
[Tom growls]

Crow: Actually, I think that might be the point...

Mike: He means letting her go free.

Crow: [HtW] Hm...I could try to rescue her. Nah.

Mike: [HtW] That way, I won't have to sacrifice myself. Am I heroic
or what?

Tom: This looks like a job for....Exposition Man!

Tom: [Snidely Whiplash] A nice try, Dudley Do-Right, but I'll still
be able to foreclose on those morgages.

Crow: [Robotnik] But cram it.

Tom: [Robotnik] It happens every three hostages or so.

Crow: Ba dum! Ba DUM!

Mike: That's Goldeneye.

Crow: Whoops. Sorry.

Mike: It's okay to use the word "said," you know.

Tom: Someone get this guy an adverb guide.

Crow: [Nya] I can't believe I did that fraternity stunt. Now I'll
always have that nickname.

Crow: Oh, *yuck*--and you think *we're* bad?

Mike: It's called not pouring gas on the fire, Crow. Enough.

Tom: Yes, Robotnik put it all in "prospective" for him!

Tom: [narrator] I've got a very busy life and no time to tell *you,*
but trust me--we're talkin' *big!*

Crow: The hell?

Tom: In an unforseen accident, the stork shipped the tail to Tails
instead.

Tom: Yeah, that would be one of those classic demon signs.

Crow: They never let poor Nya join in any Wolfpack games.

Mike: Hey, that's racist against Canadians!

Crow: [HtW] My God! You were an outcast? I'm afraid I can't love
you anymore.

Crow: [Tiyakitna] I mean, if *I* were that kind of hideous mutant
outcast freak, you'd find me floating face-down in the--

Mike: Stop.

Mike: [Nya, singing] But tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the Sun.

Crow: So she hacked into the HMO computer system and enrolled.

Tom: [Sir] No! I'm retired! Go away!

Mike: Today's exams are Math, English, and the Fox without a Tail.

Crow: Ooh, I know about the last subject. That's a fable about how a
fox lost his tail, so he convinced the other foxes about the
benefits of being tailless.

Crow: I hate it when flashbacks intertwine, forcing you to look at
other flashbacks.

Tom: [Tiyakitna] Why is he telling me about my girlfriend's
incredible misery and loneliness? I've got problems of my own,
you know!

Crow: Sure--on his head.

Tom: He's evil. Get used to it.

Crow: Can I say it? Please?

Mike: [sigh] Okay.

Crow: So, would that mean an injury to the family Jules?

Tom: Wow! Dark, off-color AND a pun! Impressive.

Tom: Which is too bad, because the scientific community needs more
members who commit fratricide.

Mike: One disaster, and he becomes a Luddite.

Crow: Would that be a guy that calls creationists heretics?

Tom: But then we saw...Mighty Mouse!

Mike: [sighs] If we can figure this story out on our own, can we be
excused?

Mike: [Robotnik] Oh, crap. I threw out my back.

Crow: [Robotnik] So I took her money and fled to Sweden. That's why
she's evil.

Tom: Some people are just too cheap to buy moisturizer.

Crow: Say, is she still being held by her neck over a 200-foot drop?

Mike: She knew that using robotics to replace a lost limb would
create endless comparisons to Daveykins.

Crow: Goldenfire Mandelbaum--fastest draw at the mah-jongg table!

Mike: You wanna unpack that one for me, Crow?

Crow: Uh...I have no idea. Sorry.

Crow: [Hears the Wind] Wow. I'd have named her "Red Rover."

Tom: Followed by a delicious, palate-cleansing existential
disillusionment.

Mike: [Robotnik] And then I canceled her insurance policy! Mwa, ha,
ha!

Crow: The mirror image of Marrissa Picard, ladies and gents.

Mike: But what about her tail? You kind of left a loose end here.

Tom: So 599.4 of them were roboticized. What happened to the other
.6 of a prisoner?

Crow: Remember Bunnie Rabbot?