Hopping Mad Over 'MST3000'.

Joel: Oh No! We got criticism sign!

HOPPING MAD OVER 'MST3000'

Joel: (old Scandinavian lady voice) Well I vash so mad I could just hop!

Tom: Yah, dat really ticks me off ven dey do dat.

By STUART GALBRAITH IV

Tom: Wow! My favorite economist!

NEWS SPECIAL WRITER

Joel: He's "Special" (makes quotes with hands)

My wife, Anne, normally writes this column, but right now she's just too
mad. She just caught

Crow: A bad dose of the clap from some sailor...

part of the Comedy Channel's "Mystery Science Theater 3000." For
anyone lucky enough to have avoided the program thus far "MST 3000"
features an "astronaut"

Joel: I'm just a janitor, really...

and several "robots" (the latter actually Muppet-like puppets)

Crow: You don't think we're muppet-like, do you Joel? (quivery voice)

Joel: No, no, crow, I prefer to think of you as "animatronic"

Crow: Thanks, Joel. I'm relieved.

who watch real, honest-to goodness movies

Tom: This guy obviously didn't see "Manos"!

while making comments, supposedly comical, based on the events onscreen.

Joel: Any resemblance between these comments and any actual onscreen
events is purely coincidental.

The impact of this program, not only on the "so-bad-it's-good" genre, but
on movies of all types, is tremendous.

Crow: Why thank you... Hey!

At a recent 24-hour science fiction movie marathon in Columbus, Ohio,
Anne and I watched helplessly

Tom: As the technicians dripped saline solution into our clamped-open
eyeballs...

as classic films the likes of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and
Disney's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"

Tom: (sings) unda da sea, unda da sea

were mercilessly assaulted by audience members "inspired" by this
insipid show. One patron even brought a life-size replica of one of
the robots to keep him company.

Tom: My long-lost brother!

After enduring several hours of crude, sexist remarks,

Crow: ...we got the hang of it and cracked wise with the best of them.
We laughed and laughed!

nonstop belching

Joel: Is that anatomically possible?

(Noel Coward it ain't)

Tom: It's not even Noel Redding.

and other contemptible, frighteningly animal-like behavior from these
morons--about one-third of the audience--we left furious and deeply
saddened.

Joel: I wonder why everyone applauded when we left...?

We felt sorry for all the children in the audience, children who were

Tom: ...no doubt playing hooky.

presumably seeing these films for the first time. And as film Critic

Gene Siskel has rightly stated: You can only see a film for the first
time once.

Joel: Also the second time.

Crow: I think Ebert disagreed, though.

What were they to make of all this mayhem'?

Tom: Johnny was deeply scarred by the mayhem around him and
had killed a man before his 12th birthday. Today he sells
brushes door-to-door and has made peace with his demons.

Given the chance to work its powers, 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers" is
still genuinely creepy and unsettling,

Crow: So is a 7-11 burrito.

"20,000 Leagues" is still full of wonder and excitement. But
uninterested audience members didn't give either film a chance.

Joel: Why did the producers?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" had given them the green light to tear
these pictures to shreds, and so they did.

Crow: You are our willing slaves...

Just like the madman who, a while back, flipped out in a Florence
museum and took a swing at Michelangelo's "David's" big toe.

Joel: Hey, I think I went to highschool with that guy!

An usher I spoke with suggested the audience would calm down for the
newer films shown later that evening;

Tom: By then the drugs in the popcorn would have kicked in.

laughing at older films, he implied, was somehow acceptable simply because
they were older, as if a picture made before 1980 was inherently
inferior to something new.

Joel: "Citizen Kane" cracks me up every time.

Don't get me wrong,

Tom: (sings) Don't get meeee wrong...

I'm not defending bad films as great art, nor am I demanding stony
silence during screenings of "Plan 9 From Outer Space." A bad script,
cheap special effects, and amateurish acting can turn a bad movie into
a laugh riot.

Joel: Oh, for fun! Let's make more films like that! I'm chuckling already!

The difference here is the audience didn't let the films' inadequacies
or attributes speak for itself.

Crow: They let this guy write a column?

Tom: Maybe his wife has a better grasp of English grammar?

They simply didn't want to sit still for 90 minutes and keep their
mouths shut. Long before the program even began, these fools had
declared an open season on our film heritage.

Tom: "Gentlemen, I hold here the last remaining print of Gone With the Wind.
Pull!"

Their complete lack of consideration was topped only by their astonishing
lack of talent.

Tom: Which in turn was bested by my astounding lack of gonads.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" is itself painfully unfunny,

Crow: Has this guy been hanging out with the Mads?

Joel: Probably a deep childhood trauma.

Tom: We should all pity him.

and this audience was much worse than that. The folks behind the TV
show and at the theater lack both the talent and the guts to do
stand-up before a real audience

Tom: How about a fake audience?

or come up uith original material on their own

Joel: Yes, I prefer to steal my original material.

(they use so-called "bad" movies as their crutch).

Crow: Funny as a crutch, Potsie.

These people are talentless cretins, and no one should have to put up
with their behavior in a public theater.

Joel: Didn't the supreme court say it's ok to be a talentless cretin in
a crowded theater?

Every film, no matter how good or bad, deserves a chance.

Crow: You're right Tom, he hasn't seen "Manos."

If you're someone who believes film patrons want to spend $6.00 to
listen to you yak, please stay home.

Tom: (sarcastic) I'll go tell Spalding Gray.

It'll make Anne--and myself--a lot happier.

Crow: Do I detect a causal relationship?

Tom: Next week: "Hoppin' Mad Over _Rhoda_"

Joel: We're outta here, guys.

All: Bite us, it's fun!