Still-Store: The End Of Mobius, Part I by David Bulmer, MiSTed by Shay Caron.

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"End of Mobius, Part 1", by Dave Bulmer
MSTing by Shay Caron (gleemoth@aol.com)

http://protection.keenspace.com/
Part 1 of 6

This MSTing has been rated:
SONIC, because, well, it's a Sonic fanfic, and
SELF, because the Omni-Viewer is a self-insertion version of Dave
Bulmer. It's not very obvious in this part, but in part two (if I
ever get to it), you'll see exactly what I mean.

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[ In the not too distant future... Introduction theme music (Season 10). ]

[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]

[ Satellite of Love. M&TB are lined up across the counter in front of a huge

pile of Tootsie Roll Pops. Crow is wearing protective goggles; he has a pop
in a vise. Tom, wearing a blue lab coat and a black bow tie with
multicolored spots, is pointing a laser pointer at one; the pointer is
attached to a computer (via a licorice rope). Mike is simply holding one and
licking it. ]

MIKE: [ lick ] 137... [ lick ] 138...

CROW: Uh, Mike, we're on.

MIKE: [ lick ] 139... [ lick ] 140...

MIKE: [ lick ] 141... [ lick ] 142... [ He continues in the background. ]

CROW: Oh, forget him. Hi, folks, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo here. As you can
no doubt plainly see, making the following explanation a blatant
underestimation of your intellectual capacity [ gasp ], we're busy
discovering how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of
a Tootsie Pop. As evidenced by this delicate instrument, I'm measuring
its diameter to the micrometer. [ He slowly tightens the vise. ]

TOM: I've decided to scan the Tootsie Pop's dimensions into the computer and
do a licking simulation!

CROW: And Mike, being the only one of us able to produce saliva, is off in his
own little world.

MIKE: [ lick ] 163... [ lick ] 164...

TOM: Done! Now I'll just run the simulator. [ He taps a button on the
keyboard. The computer starts whirring, but suddenly beeps and shuts
down. ] What in the--"Stack overflow"?!

CROW: [ Looking at the computer, he absentmindedly gives the vise one more
twist, crushing the Tootsie Pop. ] Dah!

TOM: Well, that was an utter failure.

CROW: Sad but true. Now all we've got is Mike. [ The Commercial Sign
flashes. ] Oh, and Commercial Sign too. Great.

TOM: We'll be right back.

MIKE: [ lick ] 191... [ lick ] 192...

[ MST3K planet bumper. Over the music, something crunches and the bots scream.
Commercials ensue. ]

[ SOL. Mike and Crow are eating Tootsie Pops, looking depressed. Tom is again
at his computer. ]

TOM: Okay, I got the bugs out, and I'm ready to roll.

CROW: Oh, just give it up.

TOM: There! The total comes to... exactly... negative 47 pi licks! [ pause ]
The hell?!

CROW: I suppose there are just some things man-slash-robot was never meant to
know.
[ The Mads Sign flashes. ]

MIKE: [ taps it ] Oh, what's up, red, yellow, and green M&Ms?

[ Castle Forrester. Pearl and the gang are wearing extremely pretentious
burgundy robes. ]

PEARL: [ in a snotty British accent ] Oh, tally-ho and pip pip, Nelsonian. Me
and the henchmen are getting into the feel of today's experiment, in a
sense.

[ SOL ]

CROW: You're sending us "Masterpiece Theatre"?

[ CF ]

OBSERVER: [ another exaggerated accent ] No, no, no, your fanfic today is a
beautiful serving of Sonic the Hedgehog crap from across the
Pacific. It's called "The End of Mobius", and it's by the
delightfully British David Bulmer. It features the Freedom Fighters
getting their bums kicked and--well, actually, that's about it.

PEARL: Yes, you'll be getting the rather sizeable part one of six today, and
meanwhile, we're setting up a little experiment down here. I'm trying
out my latest world-conquering scheme, and then we're all going out for
tea and crumpets.

BOBO: [ no accent whatsoever ] Lawgiver? Was I supposed to put the live wires
*on* the fish tank or *in* the fish tank? [ sparks and sizzles in the
background ]

PEARL: Oh, bloody 'ell.

[ SOL ]

TOM: Maybe if we just asked Mr. Owl...
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]

MIKE: Oh, we got Great Mobian Sign!

[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]

CROW: Something tells me I'm going to enjoy this one.

MIKE: Rapid fire: go!

CROW: What do you want to bet we'll see "Omni" in this story at some point?

MIKE: What is it with Davids and Sonic the Hedgehog?

TOM: Does Mr. "Bulmer" have a problem with bloating?

CROW: Are you supposed to shout that?

MIKE: Is that short for "omnipotent"? "Omniscient"? I sure hope not.

CROW: Can we call him "Davey-kins", or would that just be asking for trouble?

TOM: Just who do you think you are?

MIKE: I think paper would work better.

CROW: Washing off the holidays when my mom got mad...

TOM: Rossell, New Mexico, home of the Mobian crash site.

MIKE: About the Death Egg's final, *final* attack on Mobius.

TOM: This time, it's *really* the Death Egg's final attack on Mobius. We're
not kidding.

CROW: [ Dave ] I really did all the work.

> We would confer while writing about which characters we could
> kill off or what must happen to which, for continuity purposes. After a
> while we had six episodes done.

MIKE: Only half an hour long each, I hope.

CROW: With our luck, they're each two hours.

TOM: Come on, who would make a TV show that was two hours long?

CROW: Heh, he and Eric Schwartz own the only two Amigas left on Earth.

CROW: Power Rangers?!

MIKE: Undoubtedly the next spin-off: "Power Rangers on Mobius".

TOM: Let's pause for a moment to give thanks to the apparently rather wise
David Bulmer.
[ pause ]

MIKE: Perhaps there is mercy in the universe after all.

> About three years on, I logged onto the Net for the first time,
> and shortly afterwards discovered the world of Sonic Fanfics and decided
> the world should know the story of the End of Mobius.

MIKE: So the whole thing's really *your* fault.

> This, the first
> episode in the six-part series, is almost entirely different to the
> original episode. Many of the additional characters have been changed,

MIKE: We added a purple dinosaur and removed the murder.

CROW: But it's a MURDER MYSTERY!!

MIKE: Oh, that's original.

> and more have been added. Using the first type-up as a rough base for
> the stories, I hope to include all the important points.
> Most of you are used to the Sonic stories based in Robotropolis.

CROW: [ gleefully ] Already forgotten!

> This story takes place in an alternate Universe; the
> reality maintained by Egmont/Fleetway in their STC comics. This was
> possibly the first Fleetway FanFic written.

TOM: [ Dave ] I'm such a trend-setter.

> Well, written and passed
> around the Net anyway. Check out the genesis story on their 'All About
> Sonic' page. Robotnik started off life as Doctor Ovi Kintobor, and Sonic
> wasn't always blue. I'll try to explain the scenario in the actual story
> where needed.

CROW: Which means *lots* o' backstory.

> I wrote this story earlier this year, and passed it around the
> Fandom, through private EMail, alt.fan.sonic-hedgehog and Commander
> Sonic's Mailing List. More than one person has said that it was the best
> Sonic story they ever read, including other Fanfics,

MIKE: That's not saying much.

> stories from the
> comics and cartoons, and others pleaded me to let them upload it. I've
> had five artists ask to illustrate the story, (although where that idea
> went I don't know,) and one person offered to make a comic series out of
> the whole lot.

CROW: With our luck, it's David Gonterman.

> All End of Mobius projects have now been ended, but the
> story will be almost completely hacked-up, revised and changed, ready to
> be used as part of the graphic novel series which accompanies Dawn
> Best's "Sonic Ideal".

TOM: "Ideal"ly, we would never hear the word "Sonic" again.

TOM: 'Bout a man named Jed.

CROW: Of a lovely lady.

MIKE: Before that, blue was actually purple.

CROW: Oppi Goldworth?

TOM: Ah yes, those shiny multi-colored purveyors of mayhem!

MIKE: In bed with his wife.

CROW: Say, isn't this the storyline David Gonterman mutilated along with the,
um, other one?

TOM: Yeah, not to mention Adrian and Alessandro.

TOM: Out getting a bite to eat, so it didn't notice.

MIKE: Y'know, that happens all the time to me. I'm holding an egg, I get
zapped with pure evil, and my name reverses.

TOM: Heh, "Leahcim J. Noslen".

MIKE: That didn't take long.

CROW: Can we go now?

CROW: See, he's kind of oblivious...

MIKE: Get it? "Miles Per-hour". It's the speed thing.

TOM: Heh, it's funny, 'cause it's, um, not.

CROW: And he defeated him again.

TOM: The author has a loose definition of the term "defeat", I believe.

MIKE: [ snort ] Porker Lewis Can't Lose?

TOM: And this is the *official* Fleetway story?

CROW: Probably about as much as Bookshire and Packbell are part of the
official Archie story.

MIKE: Robotnik just doesn't give a hoot!

CROW: Oh, they're "special" badniks.

> sat in the middle of it all, looming over the Zone, daring
> anyone to try and cross the Doctor.
> Robotnik's chief scientist Grimer

CROW: Needed a bath.

TOM: Where dreams can come true! Or is that Disneyland?

> (the little planet that appears over Mobius once a
> month,) and kidnapped Porker. He was put through hell up there, but
> Sonic and his friends managed to wipe

CROW: Heh heh, wipe.

TOM: Amway is a legitimate money-making idea.

CROW: Adios, knucklehead! Heh heh heh!

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] Uh, hello? Where is everyone?

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Why am I protecting this island? What'd it ever do for me?

CROW: [ Knuckles ] I'm gonna just go get some tacos.

MIKE: Faster than a speeding sapphire! More powerful than a big ol' diamond!

CROW: With a Taco Bell.

TOM: The biggest danged Viewmaster around!

MIKE: Oh, of course. I should have guessed that.

CROW: Does that rhyme?

CROW: Warp of confusion, oddly enough.

> parallel reality Universe) trying to sort out people like Lord
> Sidewinder, who, after discovering Supersonic separated from Sonic,

TOM: I think we missed a round of backstory here.

TOM: Makes perfect sense to me!

MIKE: Things we actually don't remember, but trust us, they happened.

CROW: They were *really* tired.

TOM: [ snicker ] They'd be the *Cub* Scouts! Hee hee!

MIKE, CROW: [ groan ]

MIKE: One hill, two hill, green hill, blue hill.

TOM: He just likes the word "ransacked" is all.

CROW: The decor was *way* too tacky.

MIKE: Back at the ranch...

CROW: He had *terrible* BO.

> at least four Sonic realities began
> to merge at this point. (Mobius had reached the same situation as in the
> Archie and DiC stories.)

TOM: That's only three.

MIKE: When the author can't count, you know you're in trouble.

> That's where our story starts. The Freedom Team knew they were
> far from wiping out Robotnik's forces for good. Now two armies, the
> Freedom Fighters led by Sonic

CROW: At least he spelled "led" right.

CROW: D'oh! You had it right the first time!

> went head to head almost every day. It seemed like a hopeless
> scenario. However, they were soon to find out it was more hopeless than
> they had ever expected.
>

MIKE: And now, the moment you've all been dreading, the story.

MIKE: [ long pause ] I can wait as long as you can, author.

TOM: Should have been disposed of at the beginning.

CROW: With pleasure.

MIKE: Go back in time to do it.

CROW: Yup, it were written by we, a-hyuk!

CROW: [ grumpy ] Not enough, though.

MIKE: The Xerox wasn't busted after all!

CROW: Uh, no comment.

TOM: If I had stuff I'd written when I was eleven, I wouldn't *show* it to
anybody!

MIKE: ...Tom, you're not eleven *yet*.

> That version of 'The
> End of Mobius' took about three months to complete, including the 'Void
> Time' when 'The Robotnikbot' kept crashing and I had to keep on writing
> the same chapter three or four times.

MIKE: And odds are it didn't improve one bit.

CROW: That's a weird last name.

TOM: No, there were 1996 other David Bulmers before him.

CROW: Wow, popular name.

MIKE: I wish they'd stop associating my name with this.

CROW: They say that just to scare us, don't they?

TOM: It's not like Dave could really afford a lawyer.

MIKE: Heh heh heh, funny.

CROW: I think it's more copywrong.

> You cannot use it in any way without my permission. (Except
> to give to other FanFics libraries, but tell me if you wanna do that.)

MIKE: Does Web Site Number 9 count?

MIKE: Not a chance in the world.

TOM: Tiny Toon Adventures.

CROW: It's like he knows us!

MIKE: Because everything.

CROW: Out Of Cheese Error.

TOM: WILL YOU JUST GET TO THE STORY ALREADY?!!

MIKE: The other versions are in hieroglyphics and semaphore.

TOM: Well, this one does too.

> needs Microsoft Works 4.0 or compatible to read. For that reason
> the text version has no italics (I think they're just normal type)

CROW: They might be Klingon, though.

MIKE: We've got a lovely white coat for you. And look! The sleeves tie in the
back!

TOM: Famous last words.

MIKE: Which means we can't cross any rivers.

CROW: Just 560 less than the devil!

> If you can open .wps documents
> and are interested in reading the full End of Mobius with all the nice
> bits like italics and a contents page etc, drop me a line.

TOM: How about if we just drop him an anvil?

CROW: Right! Out with Crow T. Robot then...

TOM: Probably the author hasn't even been born yet.

MIKE: Watch it. Neither has the MSTer.

CROW: Which makes quite a bit of sense, when you think about it.

TOM: No relation to Planet Lunch, right?

MIKE: So, about up to my chin.

CROW: I'd swear the Mobians are shorter than Grakker and Madame Pong.

TOM: Pre- or post-shrunk?

TOM: While the violin section provided the melody.

CROW: Capulets or Montagues?

MIKE: The answer, of course, was Santa Claus.

CROW: Which makes quite a bit of sense, when you think about it.

TOM: Lame plot contrivances?

CROW: Sing "Give Peace a Chance".

MIKE: But no one ever reads the manual, so...

CROW: Dah-dah-dah-dah! Contrivance power!

MIKE: Oh look, there goes the Heart of Gold.

> an old hedgehog sat in his rocking chair, surrounded by his
> three grandchildren. It was tragic, the way their parents had died.

TOM: They were pedestrians in Carmageddon.

CROW: Oh, they're Princess Di's kids.

TOM: I bet we never hear about this again.

MIKE: Throwaway plot point.

> and the old man wasn't sure if the children had quite
> got over their parents' deaths yet, or even if they ever would. Amy,
> Sonic and Tails, named after the heroes of years past,

MIKE: [ kids ] Where's the Werther's Original?

TOM: Watch the Second Commandment there.

CROW: The right to bear arms?

CROW: Left the kids with his wife and moved to Florida.

MIKE: And by now the kids were 58.

CROW: They made funny remarks while he told the stories. He wasn't sure why.

CROW: This I've *gotta* see.

TOM: It'll be worth the torture to watch Sonic's demise.

CROW: [ falsetto ] Six-teen candles...

MIKE: [ bops Crow ] Cut it out.

MIKE: [ old man ] You should've seen all the dynamite!

TOM: Hey, stop eating the light bulbs!

> He was the youngest of the three and the most enthusiastic about
> the fighting in the Sonic stories.
> "Yeah! The Mecha-Sonic army! Wow, Sonic really gave them what
> for! Wham! Pow!" he punched the air with his fists.

MIKE: As opposed to punching the air with his nose.

MIKE: Man, it must suck to fight robots. You blow 'em up and the boss man just
makes more.

CROW: How terribly British he was.

ALL: [ burst into laughter ]

CROW: Hee hee, sorry, folks.

CROW: Those contractors never show up!

TOM: He hyperventilated and died.

CROW: [ man ] Of Jeannie.

MIKE: He dreamt of greater thans? What is that?

CROW: Would the standard Pamela Anderson joke be out of line?

MIKE: Yes. [ Mike picks up Tom and stands up to leave. Crow jumps out of his
seat. ]

TOM: How about Madonna?

MIKE: Also yes.

[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]

[ Satellite of Love. Er... Crow seems to be painted purple. His eyeballs are
reversed (yellow pupils on black), and there's a big, bushy orange mustache
on the end of his beak. A pause. ]

CROW: Har har har!
[ A pause. Enter Mike and Tom. ]

MIKE: Crow, have you seen my markers? I'm missing--oh. Hello.

CROW: Har har har! After an accident with the Retro 70's Trash Compactor, I
have been turned into Worc S. Tobor! Har har har!

TOM: [ to Mike ] How cute.

MIKE: [ to Tom ] Let's play along.

TOM: [ to Mike ] Right. [ zips off-screen ]

MIKE: [ out loud ] Help, Worc S. Tobor is attacking this poor, defenseless
little satellite!

CROW: It's no use! With my Death Chicken [ he holds up a papier-mache
chicken ] I will destroy you! [ He turns on what is apparently a
flashlight in the chicken's head; it shines on Mike. ]

MIKE: Aaaack! [ falls over ]

TOM: [ zips in, wearing blue spines all down his back ] Yo brother what homey
up dude tubular cool. I'm gonna make you pay!

CROW: Nuh-uh. [ points flashlight at Tom ]

TOM: Aaaargh, dude! [ falls over ]

CROW: At last! I have taken control of the satellite! Har har har har har!!
[ pause ] Um... [ pause ] What now? [ pause ] Oh, being evil sucks! Hey,
guys, thanks for playing along. [ pause ] Guys? [ pause ] Uh-oh.
[ The Commercial Sign flashes. Crow panics. ]

[ MST3K planet bumper. ]
CROW: GYPSY!!
[ Commercials ensue. ]

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End of part 1

E-mail: gleemoth@aol.com
Web site: http://protection.keenspace.com/
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Part 2 of 6.

CROW: Guys, that was most emphatically not funny.

TOM: Come on, you were askin' for it.

MIKE: That's what you get for being evil.

TOM: That's that new dance club, isn't it?

TOM: So we're finally in the story now?

CROW: Yah, looks that way.

> He felt a bead of sweat slither down
> his face. All he could hear was the pound of his heart and the imaginary
> voice still shouting into his brain

CROW: [ sarcasm sequencer ] Yeah, that'd scare *me*.

TOM: Maybe it's scarier when you're Sonic.

CROW: Maybe it's scarier when you're an *idiot*.

TOM: That's kinda the point I was making.

> He had had the nightmare again. The nightmare he had most
> nights. He would be standing on a planet miles above Mobius, and then
> Metallix would attack.

MIKE: Cream pies would fly!

TOM: Ah, darn, the KKK's meeting again.

CROW: So just poison their chili dogs and they're done for.

TOM: Where dreams can--wait, I said that.

CROW: Oh. ...It's a female planet, then?

MIKE: Yeah, let's just go with that.

MIKE: It got swapped with Pluto.

CROW: Odd name for a desert.

CROW: Yeah, tell us about it.

TOM: In a galaxy far, f--sorry.

MIKE: *Never*lake, Brother*hood*, I keep thinking clay is going to be
involved.

CROW: The ungrateful swine!

TOM: Yeah, well, he should have been smart, too.

> Instead the monsters lurked in his dreams every two in three
> nights.
> He had to do something to shake the nightmare out of his head.

MIKE: Will you take that off already? [ snatches Crow's mustache off ]

MIKE: See, it was on top of a banana peel...

CROW: [ Sonic ] Hey, I don't recognize this place!

MIKE: [ Sonic ] What did I *do* last night?!

CROW: Yeesh. Why don't they just call themselves Captain Sonic and the
Freedomteers and get it over with?

> For nearly a year now
> the Fighters had lived in Knothole. Sonic remembered back to his
> childhood when he first appeared

MIKE: But the first game really wasn't that great at all.

TOM: Not a millimeter either way.

CROW: You mean "millimetre".

> where Sophocles, the wise old
> owl had found him and introduced him to Johnny Lightfoot, Porker Lewis,
> Sally Acorn and the others.

CROW: Hey! Hey hey hey you said this wasn't the Archie/DiC storyline! What is
Princess Nutcase doing here?!

MIKE: OK, the report's coming in... Yes, we have officially been abandoned by
the forces of goodness and right.

TOM: Already? That sure didn't take long.

> Now they were not only Sonic's best friends,
> they were also his comrades in saving the planet. They were failing
> miserably.

> That was why they needed a secret base of operations, and
> Knothole was chosen. The forest had been attacked countless times in the
> past,

MIKE: Perfect. Set up camp where the enemy's sights are already set.

CROW: Now what kind of logic is that?

TOM: I'd say it's "stupid" logic.

MIKE: Now, now, that logic's just ill.

CROW: Especially since it's always, always spring on this planet.

MIKE, TOM: Except when it pertains to the plot.

> The whole place had been
> completely rebuilt. Trees had been converted into houses, rooms and
> tunnels had been built under the ground,

MIKE: They even set up a Ropes Course!

TOM: And a McDonald's PlayPlace.

TOM: The UFO would *not* get away *this* time.

CROW: Yep, pure concrete, them trees.

TOM: Yeah, I need to bury a big log every once in a while too.

> This meant that only Sonic, Tails and the other determined
> Freedom Fighters could get in or out, but the amount of other residents
> who actually wanted to leave was phenomenally low.

CROW: And tourism is high. You gotta give 'em that.

> Sonic bent down slightly, then took off, sprinting across the
> path that lead away from his hut. He had to get out of the enclosed
> Glade. He had to run. He had to have speed.

MIKE: I feel the need.

CROW: The need for speed?

MIKE: No, it's more like the need for a barf bag.

> He began to pick up pace as
> he ran, until he was finally going at just the right speed. He ducked
> his head down and began to roll. Still he picked up speed as he span,

CROW: Ick, it's another of those spell-checker-tricking typos.

TOM: Don't be a dummy. Proofread your stories.

ALL: And don't come back!

MIKE: [ monotone ] Come on baby, do the Twist.

BOTS: [ monotone ] Bop, bop.

> and turning
> through the narrow tunnel. Within seconds he burst out of the other end
> and uncurled in mid-air. He thrust his nose upwards,

CROW: Do you thrust your nose at me, sir?

TOM: I do thrust my nose, sir.

CROW: Sonic. The other, bluer Johnny Bravo.

MIKE: But he wasn't careful and he set off the burglar alarm.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Aaaahh!!

MIKE: Probably in the genes.

CROW: He doesn't wear pants.

CROW: Still, if he *did* wear jeans, that's where his tails would be.

MIKE: Crow, please...

TOM: [ Zone ] My parents say I'm special!

> and it was suspected that he had been
> exposed to radiation from the Chaos Emeralds when they first appeared in
> the Special Zone.

MIKE: Yeah, you're gonna get this sort of thing with Emerald radiation. Two-
headed turtles, five-legged frogs, and two-tailed foxes.

CROW: We just gave it to him for Christmas last year.

MIKE: The first rotor-blade lifts up the hair, the second shaves you clean.

CROW: I refuse to believe that "span" can be used as a verb. Not even in
Britain.

> and just managed to catch up.
> "Yeah, cool... uh, Sonic? Good news. Apparently Porker and his
> team have finished 'Operation NiGHTS'.

MIKE: Ironically, it's 8:34 AM.

CROW: They saved all 300 Mudokons?

MIKE: But I thought Metal Gear Solid 2 hadn't even come out yet!

TOM: I didn't know you could beat *Tetris*!

CROW: I mean, the team is such a bunch of *slackers*!

> Porker, the Freedom Fighters' top
> scientist, had theorised that if he harnessed the power of the one
> remaining Starpost on Mobius into an engine,

TOM: It would make one heck of a pizza roll?

MIKE: Pizza rolls of the FUTURE!

TOM: [ quickly ] Pizza roll.

CROW: That's what the pizza roll's for!

TOM: [ Tails ] I wonder how *you* taste!

MIKE: My mother told me never to eat anything blue.

CROW: The drug dealer spot? The assassin spot?

MIKE: Just stick a dachshund in the freezer and there ya go!

CROW: [ Sonic ] I probably should have told him about that booger.

TOM: [ Sonic ] He's got a cute butt.

> The small, orange fury raced off across
> the undulating hills and valleys that made up the Greenhill Zone.
> Nowadays the Special Badnik Service left Greenhill alone. After all,
> they had the rest of Mobius under control.

TOM: [ ominous voice ] Or so they *thought*!

> They were busy searching the
> vast city of Metropolis trying to find the Freedom Team. As soon as
> they'd searched every inch of the city and moved on to Greenhill, maybe
> they'd move into Metropolis. But not yet.

CROW: The time was not yet ripe.

> Metropolis had started off as
> being a relatively small city. But when the Badniks moved in they began
> roboticising everything around the city,

MIKE: Oh, look, Carl, a butterfly.

TOM: Roboticize it!!

CROW: So are Sonic and company living in the sea now?

TOM: From this point forward, anyone using a color as a noun will be shot.

TOM: See, this planet had no equivalent to Isaac Newton.

> His friction reducing sneakers helped him run
> faster, and by now he'd learnt to press onto the ground just hard enough
> to still move very fast, even without much friction.

MIKE: Physics be damned!

> He overtook Tails and continued running. He could see the shady
> spot right up ahead, shaded by a group of palm-trees. He lowered his
> head and put on an extra burst of speed.

CROW: Those chili dogs are *not* agreeing with him, let me tell you!

MIKE: Will you cut that out?!

TOM: I don't think I could even do that if I *tried*!

MIKE: Well, you don't have a tail.

MIKE: Oh no, he crashed into a school Career Day!

TOM: [ lecturer ] Now, you see, the life of an accountant is an intriguing
and fascinating AAAARGH!!

CROW: Yeah, then he mows down the Historian.

> off to the left, towards a large
> cliff-face. He quickly rolled up into a ball to protect himself, and
> drilled right into the centre of the cliff.

CROW: So, he's got adamantium quills, is that it?

TOM: Nah, not even adamantium. He's got to have one of those molecular
destabilizers somewhere.

CROW: There's always the chance that he's just full of crap.

TOM: How would *that* help him get through the cliff?

> When he uncurled, Tails was standing next to him, looking
> apologetic.
> "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it was an accident..."

MIKE: [ Tails ] You can always just duct-tape your arm back on!

CROW: [ Sonic ] Shut UP, Tails.

TOM: Heh, tunnel, you're stupid and ugly and no one likes you.

MIKE: Shut up, tunnel!

MIKE: You're stupid!

CROW: Shut up, stupid!

TOM: Are we done cutting the tunnel?

CROW: Yeah, we're done.

MIKE: Does Dave write text adventure room descriptions as a side job?

CROW: You are in a smallish room cut from the center of a cliff.

CROW: I don't know the word "go".

CROW: I don't know the word "leave".

TOM: > BASH CROW OVER THE HEAD

CROW: Violence is not the answer.

TOM: I'll show you the answer! [ starts toward Crow ]

MIKE: Whoa, whoa, guys! [ holds Tom down ]

> There didn't seem to be any more exits
> other than the one he'd just cut, which was providing the only source of
> light in the room.

MIKE: Dave *must* write text adventure room descriptions as a side job.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Tails! The light switch is *not* a toy!

> Sonic heard the sound of falling
> rocks, blocking the exit. It shouldn't be too difficult to drill through
> them again, it was just a question of finding the rocks in this pitch
> darkness.

CROW: Well, just spin around and point randomly. How could you *not* find some
rocks?!

> "Oh, great," Tails grumbled. "Now we'll have to..." his voice
> trailed off as he noticed two small rings of red light hovering in one
> corner of the room.

TOM: It's green! Go, go, go!

> The rings looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't
> put his finger on where he had seen them before. He nudged Sonic,
> silently alerting him, but Sonic had already noticed the rings.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] I know, leave me *alone*, Tails.

> The two lights moved quickly forwards, stopping about a foot in
> front of Sonic's face.
> "I've been waiting a very long time for this,"

TOM: [ voice ] If only I could remember what it was.

> came a smooth,
> synthesised voice from somewhere below the lights, which Sonic had
> identified as eyes. A light began to glow from somewhere below the eyes,
> lighting up the figure's chest.

MIKE: Okay, that's just plain wrong.

> As the light got brighter, Sonic could
> see Tails' silhouette standing next to him. He looked back at the figure
> he was facing and his heart stopped for a second. It was one of them.

MIKE: The aliens had come for him!

TOM: Pennywise the clown!

> a Metallix.
> Then, as the light became more intense and Sonic became aware of
> a strange humming sound coming from somewhere outside the cave, the
> Metallix shot forwards,

MIKE: [ Metallix ] Oops.

> stopping the instant its sharp, metal nose
> touched Sonic's, with molecular precision.
> "Die," the Metallix said, simply.

MIKE: Um, no thanks.

CROW: Ah, he's "simple".

> but Sonic had already dived out of the way.
> Neither the Metallix nor Tails had reflexes quick enough to notice in
> time.

BOTS: [ Metallix, Tails ] Dahhh...

TOM: Oh, no! No! That is not right!

CROW: [ beam, deep voice ] Mmm, yummy.

> Sonic landed in a crouched position on the floor. Everything
> went dark again. Sonic looked round to see a bright green light emitted
> from Tails' chest.

MIKE: Okay, I'm just--I have to--I gotta go. [ Mike gets up and steps out of
the theater. ]

> Sonic jumped
> to his feet and tried to think of something he could do to help his
> friend, but all he could do was watch as Tails' skeleton became
> apparent,

TOM: Oh, who's its spouse? [ rimshot ] Thank you!

> and a thin line of electricity shot down his body, erasing him
> from the room as it went.
> "Tails," Sonic whispered in disbelief. "Tails, NOOOO!!"

CROW: That's a pretty loud whisper.

> Sonic
> turned to face the eyes of the Metallix, which were all he could see of
> his adversary. "You... you..." Sonic couldn't think of an insult strong
> enough.

CROW: I find that a simple "Bite me" works wonders in a pinch.

TOM: What if someone takes you seriously?

CROW: Well, then I bite *them*.

TOM: After Sonic stopped laughing his head off...

> "Trevor Croak reporting for duty, sir," the frog said, trying
> its best to salute without falling over. Knuckles couldn't help giving a
> slight laugh.

CROW: Meanwhile, in... Random Scene Change Land...

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Way, way, *way* far away from the action.

TOM: Um, he just left, Knuckles. Knuckles?

TOM: Oh, never mind.

CROW: No one liked him.

TOM: What an original name, eh?

CROW: At least Gilligan's Island was named *after* Gilligan.

CROW: On the lovely Freedom Fighter Island.

> and that often helped when fighting against the
> forces of evil.
> "Well, I guess I oughtta tell Sonic the bad news right away,"
> Knuckles said, walking out of the hut.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] Guess who's writing this fanfic, Sonic.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Noooo!

CROW: Don't worry, all will be revealed.

TOM: If we're lucky.

TOM: [ Knuckles ] I was *sure* this was Sonic Island! Maybe I took the wrong
turn at Bunnie Cove.

> He was probably in the shady spot. Knuckles made his way up to
> the top of the highest hill he could find, and looked out over the
> Greenhill Zone.

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Oh, look, there's Greenhill now! Hi, Greenhill!

> He could see almost every hill, river, waterfall,
> mountain, lake, cliff and palm tree in the whole zone. Then something
> caught his eye.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] Oh, ick! I thought that was illegal!

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Eh, it's probably better than hanging around here.

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Yeah, that's the ticket!

> Knuckles leapt off the hill and stretched out his arms. His
> spines spread out in all directions, acting as a parachute to slow his
> fall.

CROW: [ Dave ] Look, readers, if I cared about how the real world worked, this
would be a completely different story!

CROW: [ inhalation noise ] There, all gone.

TOM: Since when was there a goose in front of the tunnel?

CROW: [ Knuckles ] Yes! Just in time!

CROW: So he left to go *find* his friend.

TOM: That's a bungee cord, Knuckles.

TOM: He really shouldn't leave his pacemaker out there.

CROW: Thus electrocuting him.

CROW: He was electrocuted.

CROW: After being electrocuted? Wow.

CROW: I still don't think we should be watching this.

TOM: Oh, I see, it's a Care Bear! It all makes sense now!

TOM: [ Metallix ] You meany!

TOM: Probably back to Metallix Isle.

CROW: Seriously *cool*!

> Knuckles lifted Sonic up and over his shoulder. Keeping a tight
> hold on Sonic's feet, Knuckles jumped out of the cave and ran back to
> Knothole.

TOM: Passing under several low branches along the way.

CROW: [ Sonic ] <thwap> Ow. <thwap> Ow.

> It didn't take long to reach the log, but as soon as he got
> there he realised that he couldn't possibly fit into the entrance log
> carrying Sonic. There was only one option.

CROW: Drop him and save yourself.

TOM: The water tasted quite nice.

CROW: Every 24 hours it sprayed half a mile up!

> Clouds rushed past him as he flew, higher and higher, until finally he
> landed.
>

[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 2
-- Shay Caron

E-mail: gleemoth@aol.com
Web site: http://protection.keenspace.com/
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 3 of 6.

MIKE: [ sits down ] Okay, I'm better now.

MIKE: Aaaugh! I came in at the wrong time!

MIKE: The *very* wrong time!

TOM: Look, he's just recovering from getting beat up.

CROW: Welcome... to the WORLD OF TOMORROW!

TOM: Shut up, Terry.

CROW: Sheesh. Whenever anyone wakes up from unconsciousness, they always,
*always* ask, "Where am I?"

MIKE: Well, sometimes people ask, "What happened to my pants?"

> "My head's killing me! Why
> aren't I with Tails? Why..." Then he remembered everything. It all came
> flooding back to him in an instant. This time it hadn't been a
> nightmare. A Metallix had attacked him,

MIKE: Painted him yellow...

CROW: Held a bake sale...

TOM: [ Sonic ] That was my favorite part.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] Um, wait, there's a low ceiling--

> "Where's Tails?"
> Knuckles looked at the ground for a second before answering.
> "I don't know," he said, quietly. "I couldn't find him at
> Knothole. I suspected he was with you, but he wasn't there when I
> arrived.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] I got his answering machine.

> I don't think he made it. I managed to reduce the Metallix's
> power somehow by smashing some kind of generator that was attached to
> the cave,

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] Well, maybe it was me. I dunno.

> but when he left there was no sign of Tails whatsoever. I had
> to get you home, but I couldn't get into Knothole. We're on Angel
> Island."

TOM: And Angel should be along any second.

CROW: [ Sonic ] You lie!

MIKE: So he *did* believe it had happened.

> "He could be okay... That
> Metallix might only have beamed him off somewhere..." Sonic sighed.
> "Who'm I trying to kid? Even if Tails was only transported, he's
> probably being roboticised by the Special Badnik Service as we speak..."
> "Ah... yeah, about that..."

TOM: [ Knuckles ] We found his corpse...

CROW: Yeah, they haven't *actually* rebuilt the thing, but they're as close as
you can get.

MIKE: Just need to tighten one more screw...

TOM: Then it hatched.

MIKE: Now it was a very popular restaurant.

> Powered by the Master
> Emerald, it had been the Freedom Fighters' deadliest enemy. Since then
> Sonic had destroyed it at least five times,

CROW: All in a row, really quickly.

> and since the demise of the
> Badniks' leader Ivo Robotnik, Sonic was sure he'd never have to face the
> 'Egg ever again. Even though the Special Badnik Service was continually
> growing,

TOM: They're Mobian Sentinels.

> roboticising every citizen they found, Sonic didn't think they
> were powerful enough to rebuild a thing like the Death Egg. "Now what do
> we do?!"

CROW: I suggest you panic, then run.

MIKE: Form a posse, apply some martial law.

CROW: Make 7-Up yours?

MIKE: Run-on sentences are quite annoying now I only like mayonnaise in
extremely small quantities.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] ...we feel like it.

> "...If he's alive," Sonic finished. He sighed and stood up.
> "Well, we'd better get on with it if we're gonna sort this thing out.
> While we're there I want to find out about that Metallix. I must know if
> there's any more.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Damn it, I must know! I *must*!

MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'm glad you thought of that *before* we left.

CROW: I've got a *bad* feeling about this.

> He didn't like creeping around
> in Metropolis City. For one thing the sound of his trotters against the
> metal floors often attracted the attention of Badniks and Swatbots,

TOM: Well, just put away the coconuts.

CROW: "You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em
together!"

> and
> that was why he had to wear these uncomfortable trainers now when he
> went out.
> "This is our only chance," Sonic whispered. "If we don't find
> out about the Death Egg and the Metallixes now,

CROW: You mean "Metalli"?

CROW: Better than VR Troopers.

TOM: With very large files.

MIKE: How utterly Arthurian.

CROW: Oh, it's the Crimson Knight, the, ah, Scarlet Knight, and the... the...

TOM: The Raspberry Knight! [ pause ] What?

CROW: Hey, one of them must be the Tom Knight!

MIKE: So, close to three feet, then.

CROW: Because robots need to resemble humans, even if it makes no sense.

MIKE: Yeah, you should talk.

TOM: [ Trooper ] Oil can! Oil can!

> "Receiving new orders," one of the Troopers said, turning to
> face the other. "We are to report to Citadel Robotnik for rebriefing."

CROW: Yeah, this model of Trooper needs its briefs changed every 10,000 miles
or so.

MIKE: [ Trooper ] But do I really *want* new briefs?

CROW: [ Trooper ] I just oiled myself.

TOM: [ Trooper ] Let's *run* away instead.

MIKE: Wow, that's actually... kind of intelligent.

CROW: Is that really easier to do than stepping *around* the girder?

TOM: Hey, what happened to the third one?

> Sonic,
> Knuckles, Porker, Johnny, Amy and Sally stood motionless for a second,
> unsure what to do. Sonic acted first, as usual.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Is this a Trooper I see before me?

MIKE: So, to review, Sonic is built of a bizarre, otherworldly substance.

CROW: Maybe he's Kryptonite.

CROW: [ Trooper ] I'd like a Happy Meal!

MIKE: [ Trooper, speaking quickly ] I regret that I have but one life to give
for my--

MIKE: [ Trooper ] Aaagh...

TOM: And the *third* Trooper phased into an alternate universe.

> Sonic landed among the debris and watched as a
> small, green light on one of the Troopers' built-in modems flickered on
> and off,

CROW: -... .. - . -- .

CROW: [ Sonic ] Just let me get my order straight...

MIKE: [ Sonic ] The reports of such being greatly exaggerated.

> "but they were getting on my nerves." He brought his foot down
> on the modem, crushing it like an insect.
> "What do we do now?" Princess Sally Acorn asked.

CROW: Yeah, she *would*.

TOM: He said she wouldn't *be* here!

MIKE: Sit back, everyone, we've got ourselves a paragraph of exposition ahead!

TOM: Whoa, let me get my 3-D glasses.

> She had
> gone missing for a few years when her father was trapped in one of the
> early Badniks, and she decided to rescue him.

TOM: Boy, a few *years*? Took her long enough!

CROW: After years of being trapped in a robot with no food? How strange!

MIKE: Just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at her, no doubt.

TOM: She's *great* for morale, though.

CROW: Woo-hoo, he's dead!

MIKE: Party with your bad self!

> "Those Troopers are bound to have alerted more
> troops," Sally continued. Johnny nodded.
> "She's right, Sonic. There'll be more on the way." Johnny
> Lightfoot had been there with Sally and the others when Sonic first
> appeared in the Great Forest,

TOM: Gee, *more* plot points! I cannot contain my joy.

CROW: Yes, Johnny followed Sonic everywhere. The restroom, the shower, bed...

> Now he
> was the Team's top kickboxer, and a vital asset to the Freedom Team.
> But, as Sonic always said, 'Everyone is equal in the Freedom Team,
> especially me!'

MIKE: ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL
BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS

> "What are you guys worried about?" Sonic asked. "You've got me
> on your side, remember?"
> "Oh yeah," Sally groaned. "Great." She had always loathed
> Sonic's big-headedness.

MIKE: C'mon, her head is just as big!

> All he did all day was boast, brag and show off.
> What she hated the most about it was that he was usually right.
> "Uh... guys?"
> "Really, I don't know what you all worry about. Ever."
> "Guys?" Porker tugged on one of Sonic's spines.

TOM: Porker had been a part of the team for a very long time...

> "Not now, Porker, I'm bragging!"
> "But..." Before he could finish his sentence, a pair of metal
> hands gripped Sonic's shoulders. More Troopers grabbed the other
> Fighters, and began to drag them towards a huge vehicle, parked next to
> a large building with a red symbol on the door.

CROW: The Anarchy symbol?

MIKE: I *think* that says "El Barto".

TOM: Heeey, it's me!

> As the Freedom Fighters
> were bundled into the vehicle, Sonic thought he could just see a pair of
> red eyes staring at them from somewhere in the shadows.

CROW: [ Ben Stein ] Got red eyes?

>
> Grimer sat at his desk, watching out of the window as the
> Freedom Fighters were driven away. "We have them, Master. All of them.
> Sonic, Amy, Sally, you name them we've got them!"

MIKE: At low, low prices!

CROW: [ Grimer ] Now we've got the whole set!

TOM: [ figure ] I'll just load up that porn video...

> A screen flickered into life,
> showing the Freedom Fighters locked in the police vehicle, being driven
> towards North Beach. "I'm surprised they came here at all, Grimer.

CROW: [ figure ] What twitching *morons*!

MIKE: [ figure ] "Freedom" Fighters... More like "Feeble" Fighters!

> If
> I'd known I could have kept the Evilniks here. It would have been so
> much easier..."
> "No matter, Master," Grimer replied, "they are all finished!"
> Grimer had been working in Citadel Robotnik for years now.

TOM: Can't he just put the backstory somewhere *else*?!

> Citadel
> Robotnik, situated in the centre of Metropolis City, was the base of
> operations for the SBS. Grimer, their chief scientist,

CROW: Felt constantly dirty.

> had been the one
> who originally designed the Brotherhood of Metallix. There were a few
> Badnik Troopers around when he was first employed, but he greatly
> updated their design and the Special Badnik Service was born.
> "I'm sure our little plan won't go unfulfilled..." Doctor Ivo
> Robotnik stood up.

MIKE: For being dead, he's pretty talkative.

CROW: Y'know, I can't help but notice Dave talks about chests quite a lot.

MIKE: Say, you're right.

> and his thin,
> spindly legs could barely take the strain, but still he managed to drag
> his body towards a leather seat, specially designed for him to sit on.
> As he sat in it, the seat descended into the ground slightly,

TOM: Geez, I *knew* he was *fat*, but...

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Let the liposuction commence!

CROW: It slices, dices, chops, and shreds!

TOM: And does it make Julienne fries?

CROW: *NO*! What the hell are you *thinking*?!

CROW: Of *course* it doesn't! ...Pfft, Julienne fries...

> Robotnik had designed his hovercraft originally as a weapon
> against Sonic, but now he realised it was worthless for that purpose,
> and used it primarily as a travelling vehicle.

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Screw mass transit, I'm going for a Sunday drive!

> The Eggomatic hovered in the air for a second before turning and
> zipping out of the door. The Eggomatic, now much faster than ever before
> and capable of almost catching up with Sonic, even when using a Power
> Ring.

[ pause ]

CROW: Is that the end of that sentence?

MIKE: [ to himself ] The Eggomatic... capable of almost... using a Power
Ring... [ out loud ] It *shouldn't* be.

TOM: Buzzing the Badniks below...

MIKE: [ geriatric voice ] Hey! Watch it, you! Crazy driver!

CROW: [ young punk tone ] Get a life, old man!

MIKE: [ geriatric voice ] Get a haircut!

> until he came to a hatch in the floor. He
> tapped a button in the Eggomatic's control panel and the hatch opened.
> The Eggomatic descended into the room below,

MIKE: [ motherly voice ] Here comes the Eggomatic, down the hatch! Vrrm...

> and landed on a pressure
> pad. The doorway slammed shut and the pressure pad began to glow.
> The Freedom Fighters all thought he was dead. It was all part of
> Robotnik's master plan. Now he was the last thing they were expecting...

CROW: Well, second to last, just before the Spanish Inquisition.

CROW: Spring break!!

> "Why have they brought us here?" Johnny wondered out loud. North
> Beach was part of South Island, the only area on Mobius not part of
> Robotropolis already.

CROW: Except for the Floating Island, Flicky Island, oh, Angel Island, by the
way...

MIKE: That robotic memory amazes me.

CROW: It's a curse at times.

> The Great Forest lay in the centre of the island,
> and some of the Fighters were worried that the SBS may have already
> discovered the location of Knothole. They were wrong.
> "We don't make the orders," one of the Troopers said,

TOM: [ Trooper ] We *break* the orders.

TOM: That and your rib cage.

MIKE: "Chest" again.

> The
> hare staggered backwards clutching his stomach, but he didn't fall. The
> angered Trooper slammed shut the door of the vehicle and stomped back
> into the front. The Freedom Fighters watched the Troopers drive away,
> leaving them alone on the beach.

[ pause ]

MIKE: [ Mobian ] Um, are you gonna fight us now?

CROW: [ Mobian ] Hey, where're you going?

TOM: Because if it was a trap, he was in on it.

CROW: If they're relying on *Sonic* for guidance, this planet's in trouble.

TOM: [ Sonic, whining ] Thinking hurts my brain!

> There was nothing
> here. They had been taken from Robotropolis by the two Troopers, and
> were transported home! It didn't make sense.

MIKE: "We must be in a fanfic!"

> They had orders to dispose
> of all Freedom Fighters, so why...
> "Sonic..." Amy whispered, pointing over to a large cave, "what's
> that noise?" The cave, cut into the side of a cliff, was restricting

CROW: Boy, tell me about it. These briefs...

> Sonic's view, but he could hear a familiar humming sound coming from
> somewhere behind it.
> "Uh-oh," Sally groaned. She knew that sound all too well.
> Scoutbots.

MIKE: GirlScoutbots.

CROW: [ monotone ] Buy my cookies. Buy my cookies. Buy my cookies.

TOM: [ snickers ] CubScoutbots. [ chuckles ]

CROW: Mike, please step out of my path, so that I might murder him.

MIKE: Crow... [ tries to think of a clever response ] ...No.

CROW: Weren't they, um, *in* the cave?!

> The Scoutbots were the leftover Badniks from the
> beginning of Robotnik's reign. Varying in shape and size, the Scoutbots
> were usually designed in the image of certain animals.

MIKE: Do those fall under the heading of "false idols"?

> Civilians had
> been captured and, instead of being physically roboticised, they had
> been crammed inside the Scoutbots, to act as an 'organic battery' from
> which the Scoutbot drew its power.

TOM: Y'know, I would *swear* that there's something really dirty about this
whole thing.

> Some people considered this to be
> worse than actual roboticising, as the civilian inside was still
> conscious of its true identity,

CROW: And apparently also neuter.

> and could do nothing to stop the
> Scoutbot, while it felt its life being drained away as it lay crammed
> into the working parts of the primitive Badnik.

TOM: No, I'm *serious*! There's something--

MIKE, CROW: Yes, Tom, we know.

> "What are these supposed to do?" Sonic laughed. He could wipe
> Scoutbots out in an instant. He curled up into a ball, placing his hands
> on the metal floor.

CROW: Metal floor. May I say it?

CROW: Thank you. THEY'RE ON THE BEACH!!

> He pushed forwards on his hands until he was
> spinning satisfactorily, then kicked backwards with his feet, sending
> him hurtling towards the confused Badnik horde.

MIKE: [ Badniks ] Duuuuuuhhh!!

TOM: [ Badniks ] I like potatoes!

> Effortlessly Sonic
> smashed through the crowds, destroying each Badnik he came into contact
> with. The citizens trapped inside fell the the floor among the wreckage.
> But more kept coming.

TOM: No, I really mean it this time!

MIKE: Servo, give it a rest.

> Soon the whole beach was hidden under a thick
> carpet of Scoutbots. Even Sonic looked worried. "Porker, load your
> Megacannonik."

MIKE: Tom, not a word. Ssh.

TOM: [ pause ] [ Tom starts to speak ]

CROW: Say, Mike, I'm starting to agree with Tom.

TOM: Because you were stupid enough to take that temp job in Deep 13.

CROW: Is that a Megacannonik in your pocket...

> This terrifying weapon had originally been created by
> Robotnik shortly after inventing the roboticiser. As soon as he'd
> discovered how to alter things genetically and molecularly, he designed
> the Megacannonik, which could transform a shell into anything.

TOM: The tortoises of this world were *mad*.

MIKE: You don't want to bug them; they've got Om on their side.

> By
> loading a cartridge into a large slot in the top of the gun and
> programming it using the built-in keyboard, the Megacannonik could fire
> any kind of bullet, from laser beams to paintballs. Porker had manahged
> to steal some when all the rest were destroyed.

CROW: Why would you destroy a weapon like *that*?!

MIKE: Because you don't want them stolen, perhaps?

TOM: Ah, but such a weapon would make war a thing of the past, because no one
would dare *use* it!
[ pause ]

CROW: You are such a feeb.

> Porker programmed the Megacannonik, aimed it at the hordes, and
> fired. Streams of fire burst from the tip of the gun, melting down the
> Scoutbots. As they melted their molten remains flowed together, until
> all that was left was a hardening mass of metal.

TOM: Didn't they say there were people inside the Scoutbots?

MIKE: Um, yeah, they did.
[ pause ]

> Hundreds more Scoutbots
> swarmed towards them, which Porker tried to melt down, but he ran out of
> flames. While he loaded a new cartridge,

MIKE: Servo, just don't say a word.

TOM: Well, I wasn't *going* to...

> Sonic set to work spinning
> through as many Badniks as he could. Johnny swept up a group of Badniks
> with his staff, and threw them aside. Amy Rose raised her crossbow and
> fired a tiny dart at a crowd of Badniks in front of her.

CROW: [ knowingly ] We're going to tranquilize every single one of them.

> With perfect
> aim and precision the dart sliced through a Badniks head and flew out of
> its back, taking out at least ten more that were standing behind each
> other.

CROW: Gah! That's not very tranquil at all!

MIKE: Okay, the dart went in through its head and out through its *back*?

TOM: You see, Amy is approximately ten feet tall...

> As the dart passed through the Scoutbots they shook for a few
> seconds before exploding in a shower of sparks and civilians.
> "Run!" Porker shouted to the civilians and the Freedom Fighters
> still battling, "get out of the way!"

MIKE: Clear out. Of way out get my. Whoops, my mistake!

> He lifted his Megacannonik and
> blasted more and more fireballs at the Badnik horde. One by one they
> each melted away, liquidising all other Scoutbots they touched.

TOM: Convenient how their melting point is 64 degrees Fahrenheit.

> Every single Badnik had been melted, smashed or
> blown up. North Beach was in complete shambles.
> "Whew!" Sonic wiped his hand across his forehead.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Lemme just register a pulse...

> "Now maybe we can get back to finding the Death Egg," Knuckles
> suggested. "First we'll need to make our way back into Robotropolis. I
> suggest..." He stopped. Nobody was listening to him.

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] Ungrateful wretches!!

> turning round, Knuckles saw
> that they were all staring at the cave the Scoutbots had appeared from.
> Something inside the cave was glowing, and a quiet sound of hundreds of
> drums beating in rythem

TOM: That kind of misspelling really ruins a sentence.

MIKE: Yeah, it disrupted the rhythm.

> could he heard coming from somewhere inside. As
> the sound got louder, Knuckles identified it as footsteps. Hundreds of
> heavy footsteps.

MIKE: They got a thousand elephants marchin' out that cave mouth.

CROW: It's the amazing Millipede Man!

> And whatever it was, it was nearly at
> the mouth of the cave.
> The Freedom Team stepped backwards as rows upon rows of SBS
> Troopers marched out of the cave.

TOM: [ yelling ] Extreeeeeeme SBS Troopers!!

> These Troopers were different. They
> were clad in gold instead of the usual dull red armour, and were
> approximately three times as tall and muscular.

CROW: Hey, wow, it's the Gold Knight, the Marigold Knight, the Yellow Knight,
the, ah, Orange-Yellow Knight, the, er, Sunflower Knight, the, ah, ah,
the Mari--

MIKE: It's all right, Crow. You don't have to name hundreds of gold Troopers.

CROW: [ meekly ] Thank you.

TOM: One of them's the Crow Knight!

CROW: Say, yeah! And it says the gold robots were three times as muscular as
the red ones! Sounds good to me!

TOM: Now Porker's going to have "Megacannonik envy".

MIKE: I wonder if the third-person omniscient point of view could possibly
keep its impartiality?

CROW: The bats' internal clocks are getting *majorly* screwed up...

> As the light reached its peak, another Metallix, or
> possibly even the same one flew out of the cave behind the Troopers, its
> chest glowing.

CROW: As the other one.

MIKE: I missed it, didn't I?

> Sonic jumped into the air, curled into a ball and flung himself
> over the Trooper squad to land on the floor behind them. The light on
> the Metallix's chest flashed, and the Troopers changed direction to
> follow Sonic.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Okay, good, now follow me over this cliff!

MIKE: Yeah, turns out it was a bad idea to roboticize a herd of lemmings.

> "Sonic, so finally I get to meet you! What a coincidence! You
> appear to be standing in the exact spot where a dead hedgehog is going
> to be after I..."

CROW: [ Metallix ] ...remember what the heck I was going to say.

> "I see you're not tough enough to finish me off on your own,"
> Sonic interrupted, standing his ground. "You had to develop new Troopers
> to back you up!"
> "That is correct," the Metallix admitted,

MIKE: [ Metallix ] All right, all right, I suck.

TOM: Notice the villains are correct much more often than the heroes.

> The Troopers were several
> times taller than Sonic was. He didn't stand a chance. "But I'll give
> you a sporting chance..." The light on the Metallix's chest flashed
> again, and the Troopers turned on the Freedom Fighters.

MIKE: You could have phrased that a *bit* better!

> Sonic knew that
> light had to be the key to defeating the Evilnik Troopers, if only he
> could think of a way to stop it from functioning properly...

TOM: Spray paint probably would not work.

> "Run, guys," Sonic shouted as the Evilniks raised their
> Megacannoniks, "I'll deal with these creeps!" The Freedom Fighters
> turned and ran, all except Amy Rose.

CROW: [ Amy ] Where's everyone going?

> Brushing her hair out of her eyes
> she took aim with her crossbow and shot another dart at one of the
> Megacannoniks' barrels. Amy was sure she would hit; she was the sharpest
> shooter on South Island if not Mobius!

TOM: Again that's not saying much.

> The dart zipped into the
> Megacannonik with ease. The gun exploded in a cloud of fire. The Trooper
> holding it staggered backwards but wasn't even charred.

MIKE: Not even its chest.

> Amy's eyes
> widened as she saw the undisturbed Trooper, and she turned tail and
> fled. The Evilniks must be indestructible!
> "They're... chasing... us," Porker panted as they ran.

TOM: [ Porker ] Gee, I certainly didn't expect them to do *that*!

> The
> Troopers stormed towards them at an alarming rate, and Knuckles wasn't
> sure if they'd be able to evade capture for much longer.
> Sonic watched them go.

CROW: [ Sonic ] See ya, suckers! Heh heh.

> His primary task was to shut down the
> Metallix, which had landed on the ground and was watching the Troopers,
> flashing his light whenever they needed to change direction.

BOTS: [ shuffle closer to Mike ]

> Sonic crept
> up behind it and was about to bring his fist down on the Metallix's
> back, when he heard a strange puttering sound from somewhere above him.

CROW: Some old dude puttering around in his hovercraft.

MIKE: [ as Sonic, waves his fist in the air ] Sunday flier!

> Looking up into the sky he saw something that made his heart
> miss at least three beats. It was a familiar roundish oval object, the

TOM: It's a L'eggs egg!

> the Eggomatic, sporting its
> wrecking ball, and a strange tank Sonic hadn't seen before. And in the
> driver's seat was none other than

MIKE: OK, here we go. *Yaaaaawn*.

CROW: [ narrator ] I *said*, "Doctor Ivo Robotnik".

MIKE: He's breathing well for a corpse.

TOM: Nothing is impossible if you can imagine it!

> "Metallix, perform the procedure we spoke about," Robotnik's
> voice said from a speaker in the side of the Eggomatic. The chest light
> flashed and the Evilnik Troopers moved slowly outwards to surround both
> the Freedom Fighters and Sonic.

TOM: Red Rover, Red Rover, let Sonic come over...

> Robotnik flew towards the Great Forest.
> Sonic felt a cold chill trickle down his body as he realised Robotnik
> may have located Knothole yet, but he was wrong.

CROW: Those watching who are surprised by this, raise your hand.
[ Mike puts his hand in the air for a second, then looks around and slowly
lowers it. ]

> The 'Matic was just
> forming the missing part of the circle that surrounded them.
> The Freedom Fighters looked at each other, nodded and ran
> towards Robotnik.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Everybody dog-pile him!

> Sonic stopped just below the Eggomatic as his friends
> ran into the forest. Robotnik flicked a small switch and the wrecking
> ball began to swing. Sonic waited until the last moment then jumped out
> of the way.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me!

> The ball hit the Metallix full on in the chest, smashing his
> light. The SBS Troopers stopped dead, and Robotnik shook his fist at
> Sonic,

TOM: [ Robotnik ] Here's another fine mess you've gotten me into!

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't
for those meddling kids!

CROW: [ Robotnik ] Curses, foiled again!

> who was already half way to catching up with the others, who were
> already a good way into the forest, fighting back brambles and branches
> as they went.

CROW: Did we ever find out exactly what that thing on the side of the cliff
was?

MIKE: What thing?

[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 3
-- Shay Caron

E-mail: gleemoth@aol.com
Web site: http://protection.keenspace.com/
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 4 of 6.

http://protection.keenspace.com/
Part 4 of 6

[ Satellite of Love. Crow is sitting cross-legged on the counter, with a
towel wrapped around his net. ]

CROW: Ssh! That's not important now!
[ Mike and Tom enter the room. ]

MIKE: Crow, I was just wondering how you got all that purple marker off...

CROW: I have become a powerful seer and psychic predictor of the future!

TOM: What in the world is going on here?

CROW: Absolutely! A maximum of thirty minutes *into* the future, though.

MIKE: So you say you can predict the future?

CROW: I would be *happy* to give you a short reading!

TOM: Then why don't you give us a--STOP DOING THAT!!

MIKE: So you're going to tell us what will happen to us in the future?

CROW: Yup! Mike, look out for that steel bear trap!

MIKE: [ takes a step and jumps ] Yeouch!!

CROW: Oooh, tough luck. I also see a bucket of paint on a door and a trick
periscope in your future.

MIKE: Owwww. I'm gonna go get Gypsy to pull this off. [ limps away ]

TOM: Um, what about my future?

CROW: I see an axe falling from the sky...

CROW: ...a cloud of killer bees...

CROW: ...and lots of pain.

TOM: Got it. [ a "twang" noise ] Aaaaaaaaahhh!! [ flies off-screen, pursued
by an axe and a really fake-looking cloud of bees ]

CROW: Well. Anyway, now I sense... we are about to receive a call from Pearl.
[ Indeed, the Mads Sign flashes. ] All right! Er, uh, I mean, um, I knew
that would happen. [ taps the sign with his beak; the towel falls off ]
Oh, pretty good. And you?

[ Castle Forrester. Pearl stands in front of a large curtain that has a bunch
of pukey-cute flowers and bunnies on it. ]

PEARL: Heeey, how's it going, Art? [ pause; Pearl starts to look discomfited ]
Riiiiiight. Well, since *somebody* killed off all of my genetically-
engineered Flying Death Guppies, we've had to move to plan B for taking
over the known universe for today. [ Pearl dramatically sweeps the
curtain back, revealing a pile of disconnected gears, bolts, chains,
and plates of metal. ] BEHOLD, the Phantasmagoriatron Deluxe! This
fiendishly clever device will cause nightmares in every sleeping person
within a hundred miles! All I need to do is move it into place near the

United Nations building, or, for maximum effect, circle the planet with
it, keeping... What? [ turns around and sees the pile of junk ] Aaaahh!
My beautiful Phantasmagoriatron Deluxe! [ Slowly walking over to the
pile, Pearl gingerly picks up a wrench from the wreckage. ]
[ Observer, fool that he is, chooses this moment to walk in from the left. ]

OBSERVER: [ in a really cheerful mood ] Good morning, madam!

PEARL: Brain Guy!! What the hell happened to my Phantasmagoriatron Deluxe?!

OBSERVER: Oh, is *that* what that thing was? I needed a few spare parts to fix
the VCR before tonight's "Whose Line" marathon, so I--

PEARL: [ plunges the wrench into Observer's brain, who shouts and writhes ]
Idiot!! Now how am I going to give the populace of the Earth horrific
nightmares?

OBSERVER: Just, ooh, glaring at them should be sufficient, Pearl. Ohhh, my
poor abused frontal lobe. [ slowly totters off stage right ]

PEARL: Just do something about my precious device, you pathetic load. [ glares
at the screen ] And what are *you* looking at? I have a plan C! And
plans D through H, if necessary! I *will* take over the world! I *WILL*
take over the world! [ sighs, snaps her fingers ] Bobo, bring me a bag
of chocolate chips and turn on the soaps immediately!

BOBO: [ from off-screen ] Coming!

[ SOL ]

MIKE: [ from off-screen ] Aaaargh! [ splash ] Croooooow!

MIKE: [ limps in, coated with paint Crow's color ] You set us *up*, didn't
you?!

CROW: I would never--

TOM: [ enters, covered in red lumps ] Yeah! Admit it!

CROW: How could you think that? It's not true!

GYPSY: [ from off-screen ] Lie!

CROW: [ sigh ] I predict you don't believe me.

CROW: And thus end my psychic predictions. [ pause ] I knew I would say that.
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]

MIKE: Ohhhh, we've got Sign of Mobius!!

CROW: I knew *that*, too.

[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]

CROW: You're welcome.

MIKE: Oh, and thanks for the reading.

TOM: That was sarcasm, idiot.

CROW: [ snickers ] I just laugh every time I see those two words.

MIKE: [ sigh ] It's going to be a long, confusing segment.

> Robotnik leaned to the left as he yanked the Eggomatic's
> joystick as far as it would go. The Eggomatic spun round to face the
> forest, where the Freedom Fighters were fleeing to Knothole HQ.

TOM: [ random Freedom Fighter ] Over here, Robotnik! This way to Knothole
Headquarters!

CROW: Don't ask me. *You're* the author.

> if they could get through the log before Robotnik caught up
> then they would be safely hidden, wouldn't they?
> Robotnik grinned and hit the keyboard.

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] E-mail bomb away!

> "This way," Sonic called, suddenly changing direction. He
> couldn't risk letting Robotnik find Knothole. He wanted to throw his
> sense of direction as far out of the window as possible.

CROW: So somebody ripped air?

> Suddenly the whole gang screeched to a halt as the air in front
> of them was torn apart. Inside the abyss they could see swirling
> patterns and shapes. But when a face appeared in the vortex

> and the
> familiar golden frame formed around the outside of it, the Freedom
> Fighters recognised it at once as the Omni-Viewer. The Omni-Viewer, an
> omni present screen,

MIKE: Really kinda sucks.

> could control time and space to his will. Acting as
> the perfect mode of transport for the Chaotix Crew, Omni had worked for
> them for years.

MIKE: And he's still getting minimum wage.

> All four members of the Chaotix Crew fell out of the screen and
> landed on the bristly forest floor with a crash. The Chaotix Crew,
> guardians of

CROW: Which makes quite a bit of sense, when you think about it.

TOM: And as products of said universe, the Chaotix Crew...

MIKE: It's only confused because it won't stop and ask for directions.

MIKE: What's *his* power?

TOM: Um, I think his power is that he has a tape player.

MIKE: Like Dave in Safe Havens?

MIKE: The butcher the baker the candlestick maker.

CROW: One minute he's middle class, the next he's royalty.

TOM: English muffin.

CROW: [ sarcasm sequencer ] Oh, for a *change*?

MIKE: Our comic relief has arrived!

TOM: Just send him in to talk to Robotnik until he takes his *own* life.

> "Chaotix?" Sonic said as they tried to stand up. "But I thought
> you guys only turn up when someone's in great danger in your Confusion
> Universe!"

CROW: [ Vector ] Our C++ program had a bunch of errors.

MIKE: [ Vector ] Well, *sure*, there's the striped outfit and the hat with
bells on, but *other* than that...

CROW: We could have guessed that.

TOM: He's got run time envy.

MIKE: [ Vector ] He keeps downloading the I LOVE YOU bug repeatedly...

CROW: Ah, Grandpa tried to light the gas fireplace, looks like.

> They looked down just in time to see flames spring
> upwards around the trees. Robotnik's Eggomatic crashed through the
> forest,

TOM: [ Robotnik ] Oops.

MIKE: Ohhh, backwash!

> The whole of the forest behind him was being destroyed. The
> speaker in the front of the Eggomatic crackled into life.
> "There's nowhere to go, Freedom Fighters! If you try to hide

CROW: You know, I get the feeling that he'd really just do that anyway.

MIKE: Why, Crow! You're so *cynical* all of a sudden!

TOM: But how do you really feel?

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Oh, I remember that time Scratch fell into the volcano.
That was a hoot!

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] I guess you really had to be there.

> "Somebody help me!" He hit the ground with
> just enough force to get his sharp knuckles lodged, then he began to
> tear clods of earth out of the ground. Being a natural tunneller, Johnny
> Lightfoot helped Knuckles dig.

CROW: Y'know, wouldn't now be a good time for you to *do* something?!

> Vector watched as Robotnik sped towards
> them, the lava flowing still from the base of the Eggomatic.
> "Chaotix, let's move!" Espio cried,

MIKE: Yeow! Ow! Aaa! Ouch!

TOM: Not into the *lava*!

> jumping from foot to foot as
> the ground got hotter. The tunnel Knuckles and Johnny were digging was
> getting deeper now. Pushing them aside, Mighty gave the ground inside
> the tunnel a hard thump.

MIKE: [ Mighty ] This'll teach it!

CROW: He caved in some poor mole's home!

> There was a slight rumbling sound from
> underground somewhere, and the soil and dirt began to crumble. Knuckles
> began to dig again, and this time the earth came away easily.

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Ah, thanks for... packing the earth... together for me...

> The
> Freedom Fighters jumped into the tunnel and helped to dig further, as
> the lava began to heat up the ground. Amy Rose looked behind her to see
> a few drops of lava

MIKE: I have a hard time envisioning "drops" of lava.

TOM: Think of the eyedropper you'd need!

> spill into the entrance to the tunnel and burn right
> through the ground, leaving thin, deep pits. She could see nothing but
> flames outside the entrance. The Omni-Viewer flew into the tunnel.
> "Omni!" Charmy exclaimed. "Boy, am I glad to see you! Why, you
> can fly us outta here

CROW: Ollie-ollie-oxen-free.

CROW: Anyway, it's supposed to be "bum".

TOM: "Whoops-diddley, there goes my behind"?!

MIKE: Okay, low-quality comic relief.

MIKE: [ Omni-Viewer ] Look, will you just shut up?

> His face slowly faded from
> the screen and the words '97% POWER FALIURE - SWITCHING TO OFFLINE MODE'
> appeared in its place.

CROW: [ Charmy ] Oh man, what'd I do?

> The screen slowly shrank to the size of Charmy's
> hand. Peering into the screen Charmy could just see lists of functions
> that had failed rushing past. Communication was one of them.

MIKE: Communication has failed?

TOM: That's why Omni-Viewer isn't married.

CROW: I do *not* want to hear about it!

> Hey, you remember when we..."
> "Shut it, Charmy," Vector snapped. A few more lava drops fell
> into the tunnel and burned away the floor. Suddenly, the whole tunnel
> fell into darkness.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Tails, for the last time, stay AWAY from the light switch!

> Doctor Robotnik chuckled as he spilled the lava over the forest.
> There was an earth shaking slam as trees crashed to the ground around
> him, smashing great dents in the ground as they fell.

CROW: [ Robotnik ] Let me see... Up, up, down, down, left, right, left,
right...

> Robotnik pushed
> the Eggomatic's joystick forwards, and the craft moved over the tunnel
> the Freedom Fighters were digging. Just as the lava was about to pour
> inside,

TOM: The mighty hand of God reached down...

> a nearby tree gave way and fell, covering the entrance to the
> tunnel.
> "Curses!" Robotnik bawled. He was about to pour his lava over
> the tree,

CROW: Telemarketing!

MIKE: So if B/3-9 equals zero, solve for B.

TOM: Aaugh! Algebra flashback!

MIKE: You never took algebra.

TOM: Well, except that its arms and legs melted.

CROW: A flush toilet, oddly enough.

MIKE: Richard Nixon.

CROW: So the Metallix rates on the Richter scale?

> More trees fell and the lava poured into cracks in the ground, as a
> full-scale earthquake began to spread across South Island.
> Inside the tunnel, Knuckles, Johnny and Sonic were digging,
> while Mighty hit the tunnel wall every now and again to soften it up.

MIKE: [ Mighty ] Yo, youse is gonna tell us what you know or else!

CROW: [ earth ] Oh, baby...

> As
> they dug they could feel the ground moving on all sides, and the earth
> was getting hotter and hotter. The remaining Fighters who weren't
> digging were trying desperately to hold the ceiling up,

TOM: [ Fighters ] This is a stick-up! Hand over...

> and were
> gritting their teeth in pain from the heat as the lava seeped into the
> ground and moved closer to their tunnel.

CROW: I think I felt the earth move.

> After many minutes of digging, the heat had grown less intense
> and the shaking had almost stopped. The diggers decided to start to make
> their way upwards. They popped out of the ground on a large hill.

MIKE: It was called the Great Hill.

> Sonic
> ran to the top of the hill and looked out at the blazing inferno that
> once was the Great Forest. Now all that was left of the Forest and
> Knothole was flames and destruction.

TOM: Man, alt.fan.sonic-hedgehog has gone down the tubes!

> The whole of the Greenhill Zone was
> moving in the distance. It was a terrible sight to witness. It was as if
> the whole of Greenhill and the zones surrounding it were made of water,
> rippling this way and that.

MIKE: Whenever I make a bonfire, I always like to look at my friends over it
and make faces.

TOM: We should do that some time.

> He could see houses collapsing and people
> running around like ants among the terror, but he could hear nothing but
> a distant rumbling.

CROW: I'm trying to register shock... I'm sorry, it's just not happening.

MIKE: It was worse than that time when they dropped the toaster in the
bathtub.

TOM: Even worse than when they bridged the gap between dimensions and
summoned Cthulhu into their world.

> "What do we do?" Sally said quietly, joining Sonic at the top of
> the hill along with the other Fighters. "Everything's destroyed!"

MIKE, TOM: Fire sale!

CROW: Collect *all* the Plug-Ins...

> "Try and salvage anything we
> can from the Glade. Then we'd better start thinking about finding a new
> place to live..."
> As the gang set off, Sonic noticed two small shapes fly away
> from Greenhill Forest and down out of sight.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Why, it's Batman and Robin! They'll save us!

TOM: I feel a strange sense of depression. [ sniff sniff ] No, sorry, just my
deodorant giving out.

CROW: [ Mighty ] Sorry, that was me. Won't happen again.

> "Hey," Charmy said after a while, "is it just little ol' me or
> is there a weird noise around here?"
> "Yeah," Vector replied. "So shut up and maybe we won't have to
> put up with it any more."

TOM: Ah ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha, ha.

MIKE: [ Charmy, slowly ] Shave... and a... haircut?

TOM: [ sobbing ] I give up! I'll tell you everything!

> A Metallix burst out of the ground, his hand spinning rapidly, followed
> by the entire army of Evilnik Troopers. Sonic could tell it was a new
> Metallix because its chest

MIKE: Yeah, there goes Sonic, admiring the robots' chests.

TOM: I'm surprised Sally puts up with it.

> light had obviously never been harmed. It
> landed on the floor behind the collapsed area, and waited as the
> Troopers marched out of the ground towards the Freedom Team.

CROW: Not that Sonic and Knuckles have a problem with this.

CROW: Plus they melted the Taco Bell.

> His home and the home of his friends had been destroyed, and hundreds of
> lives must have been lost in the process of destroying the Greenhill
> Zone. He was angry with a capital 'angry'.

TOM: He was angstrom with a capital "angst".

> As the Troopers approached, Sonic and Knuckles both began
> barking out commands at the same time. The Fighters just had to try and
> follow whatever they could hear.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Sally, jump to the left!

TOM: [ Mighty ] Jump to the left! Got it!

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] Espio, behind you!

TOM: [ Bunnie ] Behind me? Eek!

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Tails, duck!

TOM: [ Johnny ] Where's the duck?

> Johnny Lightfoot looked frantically around him. He was
> surrounded by a ring of Troopers. Holding out his metal staff in front
> of him

CROW: And got *really* hot.

TOM: You know, a Lightfoot's staff has a knob on the end.

MIKE: That is endlessly fascinating, Thomas.

> From somewhere among the debris he heard a
> familiar cough. Strange, the SBS Troopers didn't usually contain
> 'organic batteries', and none of the Evilniks he'd seen so far did.

TOM: Well, besides this one.

> Reaching down into the smashed scraps he found a hand and pulled,
> helping the figure to its feet. Two friendly eyes stared up at Johnny,
> and a wide grin spread across the fox's face.

CROW: [ Johnny ] Not him again!

> "Johnny!" Tails jumped up and down in his excitement. "Boy, am I
> glad to see you! I've been trapped inside that thing for hours! It was
> eating away at my life, Johnny, you couldn't possibly understand what it
> feels like!

MIKE: [ Johnny ] Does it feel like getting stuck in the middle of a really big
traffic jam?

TOM: [ Tails ] Um, well...

MIKE: [ Johnny ] And getting out into a huge crowd and hardly being able to
squeeze through to where you're going?

TOM: [ Tails ] ...sorta...

CROW: This whole "organic battery" concept is *really* dirty.

> you're crammed inside a tiny space in an
> really uncomfortable position, and you can't see a thing, and your
> skin's catching inside the metal working parts,

TOM: [ Tails ] It's all the staples they use to hold you in.

> and you're falling
> asleep but you can't actually fall asleep, and all the time you know
> you're trying to kill your best friends..." Suddenly, every ounce of
> gladness drained from Tails' face.

CROW: [ Tails ] Not him again!

> "SONIC!"
> Johnny spun round to see that one of the Evilniks had Sonic by
> the ankles and was kneeling down, lifting Sonic increasingly higher.

MIKE: Oh, no, when Sonic is lifted off of the ground, he loses his titanic
strength!

TOM: [ singing ] The cir-cllle of liiiiife...

> Johnny lashed out his staff and Sonic grabbed it. Johnny pulled Sonic
> away just in time as the Evilnik Troopers slammed its arms to the ground
> in an attempt to kill Sonic.

TOM: And this somehow causes it to self-destruct, right?

CROW: [ explosions ] La la la, tra la la...

> Small explosions danced up the robot's arms
> until they reached its body, destroying it and all the Troopers around
> it at the same time.

MIKE: Man, these things are *freakishly* unstable!

CROW: [ high-pitched voice ] I must run away!

TOM: [ Trooper ] Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, heeeeeelp!!

> The Metallix flew towards Sonic and hit him in the chest. Sonic
> staggered backwards and the Metallix kicked him hard in the leg. Sonic
> tried to run but fell on his bad leg.

MIKE: Which had spikes all along it.

MIKE: Aw, man, the Metallix dropped its engines on him!

> As the
> Metallix landed feet first on Sonic's chest, Sonic began to lose
> consciousness. All he was aware of was a throbbing pain in his chest and
> legs.

CROW: Oh, looks like Sonic's unconscious now.

TOM: Yep, looks like.

> Knuckles drove his knuckles into the Metallix's back. The Badnik
> spun round to face Knuckles, who was thrown behind the Metallix until
> his knuckles came loose and he fell to the ground.

CROW: That's one potent...

TOM: Thank you, that'll be enough!

> She flew backwards and was
> caught by Johnny. Luckily the Metallix hadn't had time to power up, and
> so Amy wasn't badly hurt.

MIKE: Her bones were just all broken by the fall.

> Just as the Metallix was about to strike again, he stopped. The
> Eggomatic was approaching, its demolition ball already swinging.

CROW: Heeey, he's unconscious!

> Sonic
> had to duck out of the way of the mighty wrecking ball as it swung past
> his head. Tails jumped into the air and began to spin his tails, then
> grabbed Sonic's hands and lifted him up above the Eggomatic. Sonic came
> to just above the Eggomatic,

TOM: Oh, *now* he wakes up *again*?

MIKE: Misinterpreted the signal as meaning "go lower" and scraped Sonic along
the ground for about thirty feet.

CROW: You see, steel on the planet Mobius is made up mainly of gelatin.

TOM: [ Robotnik ] Pharisaic tax-collector!

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] And bring me some dog biscuits!

> "Metallix B/3-4, retreat to Headquarters and activate plan 'B'!" He
> turned the Eggomatic round and the two of them flew away, over the
> hills.

TOM: Why do plans always have to be denoted with simple letters? Why doesn't
the villain shout out, "Activate plan 98T14QH"?

MIKE: Not all humans have your memory, Tom. In fact, no humans have your
memory, Tom.

TOM: Damn straight. What was I saying?

MIKE: How should I know?

> "Shall we follow them?" Sonic asked.
> "No," Knuckles replied, wearily. "Our main task right now is
> helping the Greenhill folk."
> "I need a rest," Amy sighed, sitting down on a rock.

CROW: Cool, she's radioactive! I hope she grows a tentacle for a left arm.

> Her T-shirt
> was still glowing slightly from the Metallix's energy beam.
> "Johnny, you stay with Amy, the rest of us'll go and sort things
> out in Greenhill," Sonic decided. Knuckles nodded and set off in the
> direction of the Greenhill Zone.

TOM: Well, of course he doesn't ask for directions...

> About halfway there, they were stopped. Amy and Johnny had run
> after them, yelling something about a shadow. Sonic turned to face them

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Now you must face me in a fight to the death!

> "What are you talking about?" he asked as they caught up.
> "Look," Johnny cried, pointing to the spot where they had been
> sitting.

CROW: Oh no, a piano's falling on them!

> The spot was a lot shadier than before. "Yeah, so what? A
> little shade never did anyone any harm..." But before he could finish,

TOM: Sounds like he did to me.

> the whole area grew dark. A huge shadow was moving across the plains.
> Looking up into the sky the Freedom Fighters could just make out the
> shape of the thing that was blocking the sun. Knuckles jumped to
> attention. It was Angel Island.

MIKE: Hey, look, it's plan 'B'! [ waves ] How ya doin', plan 'B'? Nice to see
you.

> The Floating Island was being pulled through the sky by one of
> Robotnik's ships. As it moved, it slowly sank towards Mobius.

CROW: Unless the ship, um, moves down?

> The Team
> knew it would never collide, as it was firmly attached to the ship, but
> Knuckles couldn't help but wonder why it was sinking. Something must
> have happened to the Master Emerald.

TOM: It just handed in its two weeks' notice...

> He was right. Another Metallix flew over the horizon clutching
> the Master Emerald, and made its way towards the sea, the ship, and the
> Floating Island.

MIKE: [ Metallix ] Neener neener neener, I've got the Emerald...

>
> "Come on," Sonic shouted to the gang, "we've got to stop..."
> "Oh-no! This is bad," Charmy Bee exclaimed, looking at the tiny
> Omni-Viewer in his hand. "This is bad-diddle-addy-dad-bad!"

MIKE: Soooo... "annoying".

CROW: Well, stop counting. Maybe you can save a few extra seconds.

> 'TOTAL SYSTEM SHUTDOWN IN 7
> SECONDS AND COUNTING. 6 SECONDS AND COUNTING'. "Uh-oh. Switch to full-
> screen." The Omni Viewer grew to its normal size, but it was almost
> completely transparent.

TOM: I can see *right* through you, Omni!

MIKE: [ Omni ] What the hell do you want now?

> "Omni, quickly, take us back to Chaotix HQ," Espio ordered, and
> leapt into the screen, followed by Mighty and Charmy.
> "Wait!" Sonic called after them.

CROW: [ Vector ] Watch us, punk!

> "You can't just leave us here
> in a situation like this!"
> "Sorry Sonic," Vector said, jumping into the screen, "we haven't
> got any more ti..."

CROW: [ Omni ] Oops.

> The Omni-Viewer vanished, along with the words:
> 'TOTAL SYSTEM SHUTDOWN' Thin, blue strands of electricity traced the
> outline of where the Omni-Viewer had been.
> "I wonder why Omni can't stay on-line for very long now?" Johnny
> said, reaching out to touch the area where it had been and feeling
> nothing.

MIKE: I wonder why the sun comes up in the morning instead of at night.

TOM: I wonder why we have Daylight Savings Time.

MIKE: I wonder why people are so afraid of spiders.

TOM: I wonder why someone came up with Spam.

MIKE: I wonder why my remote is always in a different place every day.

TOM: Oh, that's my fault.

> "Forget about that," Knuckles snapped. "Robotnik's stolen my
> Island and my Master Emerald! Remember, that's what he used to power his
> Death Egg before!" He turned to face everyone but Sonic.

CROW: Get the CD-ROM burner.

> "We'll need
> some backup. You guys go and find as much help as you can from the
> Greenhill Zone. Me and Sonic'll try to fight Robotnik until you get
> back."
> "Knuckles, are you crazy?" Sonic clapped his hand down on
> Knuckles' shoulder and spun him round

TOM: And round, and round, and round...

MIKE: [ whoosh whoosh whoosh ]

> until they were eye-to-eye. "We
> have absolutely zero percent chance of making any difference alone.
> Robotnik's got the Floating Island, he's stolen the Master Emerald, he's
> gonna relaunch the Death Egg again and

TOM: [ Sonic ] I can't do a *thing* with my hair!!

> who knows how many more Evilniks
> and Metallix's he has! How can we do anything?"
> "But at least we can keep them on their toes for a while until
> the others come back with some reinforcements.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] You make him hot.

> You're the guy Robotnik
> wants. You're most likely to keep him watching. Me, I have to be with my
> Island. I was the one chosen to protect both the Floating Island and the
> Master Emerald."

MIKE: Y'know, when you think about it, destiny really kinda sucks.

CROW: I wanna choose to be Kim Catrall's destined husband.

TOM: If only you could Choose Your Destiny.

> Sonic sighed and nodded, understanding Knuckles' concern.
> Robotnik and Angel Island had flown away across the sea, so as they all
> split up Sonic and Knuckles made their way towards North Beach again.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Back and forth, back and forth. Our job stinks.

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] It's not my day to watch Robotnik!

TOM: [ Sonic ] Ha ha! You kill me.

> Little did they know that a few Scoutbots had seen them and were
> following, and had been joined by more and more Scoutbots as they went.

TOM: [ pause; then suddenly ] Bwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!

CROW: All that work for Cindy Crawford's mole?

> in a desperate
> attempt to preserve what they could of South Island's beauty spots.
> Looking up at Sonic and Knuckles they looked slightly afraid, and stood
> ready to fight.

MIKE: [ Freedom Fighters ] We'll beat you down!

TOM: [ Sonic ] No, no, fight the evil robots!

MIKE, TOM: [ various random screams of terror ] We're gonna die!

> There had to be at least three hundred of
> them, of all shapes and sizes. Almost every different kind the heroes
> had encountered before.
> "Do we attack?" Knuckles whispered.

CROW: Oh, just move your king's pawn two squares. The beginning isn't *that*
big a deal.

> The Scoutbots weren't
> moving; they were obviously waiting for someone to make the first move.
> "Okay, but I don't know what we can do to them without Porker's

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] What-*ever*.

CROW: Perhaps storing nitroglycerin in their chests was a *bad* idea?

> As his knuckles
> punctured their armour, the Badniks exploded. Sonic jumped into a spin-
> attack, bouncing off each Badnik Scoutbot and destroying it in the
> process. The other Freedom Fighters on the beach helped. Soon one
> hundred of the Scoutbots were destroyed.

CROW: Yeah, violence in the media really *is* affecting us.

TOM: I think I've become inured to this horrific display of carnage.

MIKE: Can you use "carnage" for creatures without flesh?

> "This is easy," Sonic observed.
> "A pinch," Knuckles laughed, smashing two more Badniks.
> Suddenly there was a purring sound from somewhere up ahead,

> and
> two small darts skimmed gracefully through the air, slicing through two
> Buzz-Bomber Scoutbots, which exploded instantly.

CROW: Freedom Plane? [ snicker ]

> Sonic and Knuckles
> looked up to see the Freedom Plane, piloted by Tails. Porker, Johnny,
> Amy, Sally and Bunnie sat in the plane, Joe Sushi, Tux, Chirps and
> Antoin D'Coolette had arrived on the beach,

MIKE: Do these guys have a contest going for who can make up the most moronic
name?

TOM: My vote is for "Joe Sushi", personally. Though "Chirps" is close.

> as well as the ten or eleven
> already there, then add Sonic and Knuckles made twenty three Freedom
> Fighters against...
> Oh.

MIKE: They'd been fighting windmills the whole time.

TOM: But they'd sure confuse them. "What's ten times three?!"

CROW: We've said it before, but it still works: Mommy, Mommy, heeeelp!!

> Soon another hundred and seventy were destroyed, and
> the rest were fleeing back to Metropolis.
> "Okay gang," Sonic called to the other Fighters, "you finish off
> those Badniks, leave me and Knuckles with the plane."

CROW: I just noticed how many people here are named after body parts.

> Knuckles walked up to Tails. "You take the gang and meet us in
> the Aquatic Ruin at eighteen hundred hours."
> "We're leaving you in charge, little buddy," Sonic told him.

MIKE: [ Skipper ] The island's named after you, after all, right?

> "Me?!" Tails had always dreamt of taking charge of the Freedom
> Team.
> "Yeah," Sonic said, "but don't... expect us. We may not be
> coming back. If we're not there by nineteen hundred then... well you'll
> have to go without us.

CROW: When in doubt, delegate!

> Then the decision is up to you whether to lead
> the Team by yourself or choose someone else." With that, Sonic and
> Knuckles climbed into the plane, and Knuckles started the engine. Tails
> held up one hand in a wave.

TOM: Everybody do the Wave!

> "Good luck..."
> "You too, little bro, it was nice knowing you," Sonic said
> quietly as the plane took off, his voice hidden by the roar of the
> engine. "All of you."

TOM: And... the plane crashes.

MIKE: Give us back the Hilda Garde, vandals!

CROW: Since the hard drive didn't have enough space left.

> This, the last and largest of the
> Master Emeralds, was Knuckles' only hope of saving the Floating Island,
> which by now was dangling from the cables attaching it to the ship.
> Hardly any of its own power was keeping it in the air. Soon the power
> would wear down completely, and the Island would lose all its gravity.

MIKE: Wait, if it lost its gravity, doesn't that mean it *would* float?

TOM: Well, he *could*, technically, but he didn't feel like it.

TOM: [ Metallix ] I should spurn a fat hemmorhoid?

MIKE: [ Metallix ] I don't *see* any cows!

CROW: [ Robotnik ] Napster's just no fun any more.

> Inside his ship, Robotnik tapped at the
> buttons on a small keyboard. The orders floated into the Metallix's
> brain almost instantly, and it pointed the Master Emerald towards the
> cables holding the Floating Island.
> "I think that's sufficient," Robotnik said,

TOM: [ Robotnik ] You just keep pointing.

> his voice booming
> out of a speaker in the Metallix's arm. He didn't need to communicate
> via audio channels, he just thought it would add to the fear it was
> striking on Sonic and Knuckles.

MIKE: Ohh, our psychotic warmonger. I think I'll keep him.

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Right now. Do you hear me? Now. Are you doing it yet? Now!

> The Metallix's chest light flashed, and threw a beam of power
> into the Master Emerald, which glowed brightly before emitting a pulse
> of its own energy towards the cables that held the Floating Island to
> Robotnik's ship.

CROW: Grabbed a rifle...

> There was a sickening grinding sound as the cables
> warped and bowed, then they snapped, one by one. Knuckles let out a
> scream of rage as Angel Island, his home for most of his life, plummeted
> towards the sea. However, he had expected it to land in the sea and
> drift hopelessly away. He was wrong.

TOM: The pathetic wretch.

CROW: Grabbed a rifle...

> Angel Island hit the water with such force, speed and angle that
> it began to crack. Huge, heavy cracks ran across the island's surface
> and then, when the cracks began to meet, the Island was torn apart. Its
> hundreds of fragments began to sink down to the sea bed. Everything was
> gone. Mushroom Valley, the Hidden Palace, the Super Emeralds,

TOM: The Taco Bell, his underwear collection, an autographed photo of Jerry
Lewis...

MIKE: Man, this guy is a moron, isn't he?

> The Super Emeralds were quite
> safe.
> Something began to rise over the horizon. A large, dark shape. A
> shape Sonic and Knuckles had encountered too many times before.

TOM: [ ominous tone ] It was a dodecahedron.
[ Crow starts snickering. ]

> This was
> the Death Egg.

[ Mike and Tom start snickering. ]

> As the bulky metal sphere rose above the sea, the two
> power cells that made the eyes of Robotnik's face on the side of the Egg
> began to glow red. Knuckles gasped.

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] He's so *ugly*!

TOM: Geez, is this guy in love with himself or what? He slaps his own hideous
mug on everything he builds!

MIKE: He's worse than Dexter and Mandark.

CROW: Thus no point in continuing the story. Goodbye!

> With the Super Emeralds in there and the Master Emerald
> in his grasp, there was no telling what Robotnik could do.
> This could finally mark the end of Mobius...

TOM: And we have reached title, ladies and gentlemen!

CROW: Yeah, me neither, Mike.

MIKE: [ stands up ] Y'know, I don't feel like waiting for--aargh! [ hits Crow
upside the net ]

MIKE: Oh, geez, I'm sorry!

TOM: ...What number am I thinking of?

TOM: Nope! It's seventy! Haha!

CROW: [ trudges out ] Awww...
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 4
-- Shay Caron

E-mail: gleemoth@aol.com
Web site: http://protection.keenspace.com/
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 5 of 6.

http://protection.keenspace.com/
Part 5 of 6

[ Satellite of Love. Tom and Crow stand next to each other, each of them
wearing a burgundy fez. ]

TOM: Hello, and welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Today my colleague Crow and I
would like to discuss currently popular music, pejoratively referred to
as "pop".

CROW: You are so right, brother Servo. We wish to raise a few questions about
this art form, and we hope you will discuss them with your family and
friends at home.

TOM: True, true. Let's begin.
[ The lights dim quite a bit. The 'bots speak each of the following lines very
seriously. ]

CROW: Does Fred Durst realize he's actively advertising that his bizkit is
limp? Is he doing this on purpose? Is he proud of his bizkit?

TOM: Is "bootylicious" actually a real word? Would I be able to find it in
even a single respectable dictionary? I think not.

CROW: N'Sync released a song some time ago entitled "Bye Bye Bye". So why are
they still here?

TOM: Whatever happened to those three Hanson brothers? Are they still even
alive? And what of the Spice Girls, a group with approximately equal
talent?

CROW: Is Moby still bald?

TOM: What would you get if you multiplied Sum 41 by Blink 182?

CROW: The prevalence of cartoon bands such as Prozzak and Gorillaz: good idea
or really neat? And why can't they spell their names correctly? Why does
Korn have the same problem?

TOM: Where's my other sock?
[ The lights go back up. ]

CROW: Thank you for listening, folks. We hope some of the issues we've
addressed have sparked ideas in your own minds.

MIKE: [ enters stage left with a CD player and headphones, humming a tune to
himself ]

CROW: Oh, hello, Mike! What're you listening to?

TOM: No doubt one of the more recent music CDs put out by such artists as
They Might Be Giants or Metallica.

MIKE: Hm? [ takes the headphones off ] No, actually, right now I've got Ralph
Vaughn Williams's "Folk Song Suite" playing. [ puts the headphones back
on and exits stage right ] Dah-dah-dah, dun dun, dun dun, dah-dah-dah,
dah-dah-dah, dun dun, dun dun, dun dah...
[ A pause. ]

TOM: Huh.
[ A pause. ]

CROW: Well.
[ A pause. ]

TOM: Say, did you know Beethoven was deaf?

CROW: Get out of town and take a bus!
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]

TOM: We'll be glad to provide you all with many more intriguing musical
facts, right after--

BOTS: MOVIE SIGN!!!

[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]

MIKE: Dah dah-dah dun dah dah dah dun dun dah...

TOM: Will you take those *off* already?!

MIKE: Oh, sorry. [ puts his headphones away ]

CROW: *Gee*, I wonder what's going to happen in *this* section.

> The gigantic Death Egg, hundreds of times larger than ever
> before, loomed over the sea, casting its shadow down upon the waves,
> making them seem dark and unwelcoming. The eyes on the side of the Death
> Egg grew brighter still,

MIKE: [ Death Egg ] We get to go visit Grandma! Yaaay!

> and finally, when the light had reached its
> peak and the two figures in the Freedom Plane were having to shield
> their eyes from its glare, every last glimmer of light contained in the
> eyes was let free.

BOTS: [ both make a loud "braaaaap", then burst into giggles ]

MIKE: [ shakes his head, saying nothing ]

> A vast energy beam generated by the Super Emeralds
> burst out of the eyes, and vanished behind the wreckage of the Great
> Forest. A vast explosion in the distance marked its landing.
> The radio in the Freedom Plane crackled into life with Tails'
> voice.

CROW: [ radio announcer voice ] You're being vaporized to light jazz on WMBS.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Tails, put down your soda and say what you have to say!

MIKE: Damn that pesky ccrakkl, always there when you least expect it!

TOM: Take off every zigging.

MIKE: Make that reference again and I'll smack you so hard all your duplicates
will feel it.

> her
> out right now, we *ZUVVVVV*r help, as quickly as po..." Metallix shot a
> thin beam of power at the plane's radio, which exploded in a shower of
> sparks.

CROW: [ Sonic ] You know, you could've just asked us to change the station.

> "You'll pay for this, Robotnik," Sonic yelled. The plane turned
> and flew off, over the charred remains of the Great Forest and towards
> the Greenhill Zone, where the Super Emeralds' beam had landed. Robotnik
> laughed as they went.

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Hee hee, Sonic has toilet paper stuck to his shoe!

> This time he would not fail. This time Mobius was
> his.
> The Greenhill Zone was in ruins. Worse than any of them had
> thought. The ground was torn to shreds by the earthquake, most of it
> piled up on top of other vast plates of land.

TOM: The Greenhill Zone has become a giant layer cake!

CROW: They're gonna have to call it the Green*shard* Zone now.

> Some civilians were
> trapped in between plates. Others desperately ran around inside their
> burning homes, trying to find a way out. A vast crater, full of scorched
> animal remains

ALL: Eeeww! Oh, yuck!

CROW: Should we be seeing this?!

TOM: I thought this was a children's show!

MIKE: Well, David's got the violence. He just needs some gratuitous sex and he
can get a movie made.

> The remainder of the citizens were screaming, trying to protect their
> crying children. The few children still alive inside the vast crater
> were trapped in by a ring of flames around its edge.

CROW: Oh, leave the children out of your sick story, David!

> Everywhere Freedom
> Fighters were trying to save as many civilians as possible, but the
> struggle wasn't going well. Flames covered everything from the ground to
> the sky,

MIKE: Is he saying the *sky* was on fire?

BOTS: Apocalypse!! It's the apocalypse!! [ Both 'bots start running around the
theater, screaming. ]

MIKE: Go away! You'll only make things worse!

MIKE: Guys? Please sit down. [ The 'bots do, meekly. ]

> Sonic and Knuckles climbed the earth pile to
> see Tails digging at the ground under it. A single gloved hand lay on
> the floor, the rest of the body must have been stuck underneath the
> pile.

TOM: [ ominous voice ] They *hoped*.

> They both jumped off, afraid to hurt whoever was under there, and
> landed next to Tails.
> "It's Amy! She got stuck in the earthquake!" Sonic didn't need
> telling twice.

CROW: [ Sonic ] Let's go. This problem will take care of itself.

> He jumped into a super spin, then directed his spinning
> body into the ground, digging underneath the crushed Amy Rose. She was
> okay, but very badly hurt all the same.

MIKE: She's fine, except for all those injuries 'n' stuff.

TOM: She felt perfectly healthy, but her arms and legs were all broken.

> Sonic continued digging, and
> Knuckles joined in. He was reminded of the last tunnel they had built.
> That was a terrifying experience.

CROW: You're gonna have to trust me on that, because I can't show it any more
subtly.

> As the tunnel went on, it became clear that a lot of people had
> been trapped under the ground. A lot of them had given up hope and were
> dieing, but none were dead...

TOM: [ ominous voice ] *Yet*. Mu-wu-ha-ha-ha--

TOM: --ha. Ahem. Crud.

CROW: Hints?! He makes it sound like a party game. [ snicker ]

MIKE: [ Mobian ] Take twenty paces north from the blood stain shaped like a
giant X...

TOM: [ Mobian ] Okay, first word... sounds like "pig"--look, you can leave
"dig" out of it. I think that's implied.

> As they went they occasionally
> went up for air, where more Freedom Fighters and civilian volunteers
> joined in the dig. Within twenty minutes, all five hundred survivors
> were digging, trying to find any more people.
> Sonic felt something strange above him.

CROW: [ Sonic ] Johnny, get *off*!

TOM: I'm sorry, can you be a little more vague?

CROW: Like a... thing, only... sort of.

> His eyes widened as he realised what was happening. "WATCH OUT,"
> he screamed, pulling as many people towards him as he could,

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Get close! The author won't *dare* kill *me* off!

TOM: [ ominous voice ] Little does he know! Mu-wu-ha-ha-ha--

MIKE: Will you stop with that ominous voice already?!

TOM: [ ominous voice ] Oh, I'll stop, all right. Heh heh heh...

MIKE: [ sigh ] Never mind.

CROW: So the beam eats curry and likes cats?

MIKE: I wasn't aware that Death *had* a pulse.

> smashed into the ground from the
> Death Egg's eyes, and the tunnel roof caved in. He could do nothing to
> stop the deaths. People screamed as hundreds of tons of earth charged
> with Emerald force crushed their bodies into pulp.

CROW: I keep thinking we're watching Starship Troopers.

> Only the Freedom
> Fighters leading the dig and a few citizens were left alive, bringing
> their numbers down to a mere one hundred, all tunnelling for the right
> to their lives.

MIKE: If their lives passed before their eyes, what do you think they'd see?

CROW: [ Sonic ] Video game, video game, cartoon, video game, comic book,
cartoon, video game, video game... Man, my life sucked.

TOM: [ random Mobian ] My life's flashing before my... wait a minute... I
didn't exist before this story!

> They began to dig their tunnel upwards. If they didn't get out
> of this tunnel and get some air fast, they would surely die. One hundred
> people inside a thin underground cavern with no supply of oxygen was a
> serious health risk.

MIKE: May cause cancer or asthma in young people. Not to be taken orally.

> When they finally surfaced, the animals were crying
> and gasping for breath. They climbed out into what used to be the
> Greenhill Zone, but was now just a pile of ash, the occasional piece of
> a structure, and the odd flame.

MIKE: Man, that is one odd flame.

TOM: So his original middle name was Nailuj?

> screamed with evil laughter as he watched
> them on a screen. The sound of his voice was projected over the whole of
> South Island from a giant loudspeaker inside the Death Egg's "mouth".

CROW: [ Robotnik ] *crackle* *buzz* Is this thing on? HELLO, MOBIUS! Are you
ready to die?

MIKE, TOM: [ Mobians ] Yeeaaaahhh!!

CROW: [ Robotnik ] I can't hear you! *Are* *you* *ready* *to* *DIE*?!

MIKE, TOM: [ Mobians ] YEEAAAAHHH!!

> "Now I shall finish you off once and for all, Freedom Fighters!
> With your energy drained and your will to live lost forever! Time to end
> this!"

MIKE: He talks like he's in Dragonball Z.

CROW: How do we know he isn't?

TOM: [ Robotnik ] Aahhh! Don't sneak up on me like that!

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Or, if you prefer, find some robots that'll actually do it
*right*.

CROW: [ Robotnik ] Just move the stinking checker already. We both know that's
your only choice.

> The Metallix nodded and flew out of the black ship via a door in
> its side. Robotnik steered his ship into the Death Egg through a small
> slot, where it clicked perfectly into position, filling the slit
> exactly.

TOM: You see, when a Death Egg and an Eggomatic love each other very much...

> He left the ship, tossed his yellow cape over his shoulders and
> made his way to the drive room.
> Grimer sat at the main control desk, chuckling wickedly. He had
> been killed by those Freedom Fighters once before,

CROW: [ Grimer ] Come on, reincarnation, work your magic!

> Robotnik congratulated, throwing
> Grimer out of the chair and sitting in it himself. "That will be all."
> "Yes, Master." Grimer crept away

MIKE: [ Grimer ] If I'm going to fill in for Snively, I'd better act the part.
[ extremely whiny voice ] Oh please don't hurt me, Master.

BOTS: [ cough, cough, ahem ]

> Robotnik pressed a button on the arm of the
> seat, and the screen that covered the wall switched to show twenty
> different viewpoints. Scrolling through them with the same button,

CROW: A triple patty melt.

> the Greenhill Zone.
> He zoomed-in, and the image grew to fill the screen. An evil leer spread
> across his face as he saw the seventy SBS Troopers surround the Freedom
> Fighters and the civilians with them. He pressed the same button again

MIKE: Pushing the button over and over won't make the elevator come any
faster, dear.

> and scrolled to the next Zone on the list of surveillance points. It was
> the Aquatic Ruin Zone. Robotnik grinned, and pressed another, larger
> button. The Death Egg's eyes began to glow once more. This time, Ivo
> Robotnik was in control...

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] I control the horizontal, I control the vertical.

CROW: My god, it's full of stars!

TOM: That should be "*Mah* stars".

> Given the circumstances it was all
> she could think of to say as she saw the multicoloured beam slam into
> the Aquatic Ruin Zone in the distance, wiping it out completely in one
> vast explosion.

MIKE: Who'd have thought an aquatic zone would be so flammable?

> "The Aquatic Ruin!" Knuckles cried. Someone had to do something
> about it. There were people living there, just like the Greenhill Zone.
> "I'll go and sort that out.

CROW: Not much left to sort!

> Sonic, you stay here and fight off these
> goons." Knuckles left along with fifty people, leaving the rest to deal
> with the Troopers.
> Sonic leapt into the air and came crashing down on one of the
> Troopers.

TOM: [ Sonic ] I wanna piggyback ride!

> It staggered backwards, off guard for a few seconds. Sonic
> took his opportunity and tore off the head of the Trooper. Lifting the
> head into the air he tossed it forwards into the chest of a second
> Trooper, who fell backwards into a third. All three Troopers promptly
> exploded.

MIKE: For crying out loud, a three-toed sloth could defeat these robots!

> Another beam of power burst out of the Death Egg and hit the
> nearby Emerald Hill Zone, destroying it in a ball of flames.

TOM: That's just the Greenhill Zone with a slightly different name!

CROW: You're just recycling zones at this point, David!

> "Sonic, there's no way we can keep up with this," Amy panted.
> "This is it. Robotnik's really gonna destroy everything this time!
> There'll be nothing left!"

MIKE: No Taco Bell, no shoe store, no cheddar cheese, no smiley faces,
nothing left!

> "She's right," Tails agreed. "We've got no chance against him!
> We're all doomed!" Another explosion marked the demise of yet another
> Zone. Sonic was past caring which one. He knew they were right. The days
> of hope for the Freedom Fighters were over.

CROW: Geez, this would *really* be a depressing story if I cared.

> Soon Robotnik would have
> control of all South Island, and there would be no more Mobius left. At
> the start of his reign Robotnik had wanted all of Mobius at his command.
> Now he had almost all of it, there was only one minor problem to sort
> out, and that was

TOM: Where he left the car keys.

MIKE: What happened to that big "there's no hope left" speech?

CROW: Make up your mind! Is there hope or isn't there?

> "Listen," Amy said, "me and the gang can sort out these Troopers
> and the people in the zones. Sonic, I suggest you go and find Knuckles
> and the two of you go up there and fight Robotnik personally. You're our
> best men,

MIKE: [ Amy ] I know it's pathetic, but it's the truth!

> and if he isn't stopped he's just gonna keep killing people!"
> Sonic nodded and sped off across the destroyed South Island. Soon he had
> caught up with Knuckles.

TOM: [ Sonic ] You dropped your wallet.

> "Knuckles, there's been a change of plan. We're going to go
> fight Robotnik." Knuckles' eyes widened in disbelief. "Us? Me and you?
> What chance do we have?"

CROW: [ Knuckles ] It's almost like they're trying to get rid of us.

> "We have to give it a shot. It's South Island's only chance."
> Before he could reply, Knuckles heard another explosion coming
> from the Greenhill Zone.

MIKE: Grandpa, just get away from the gas stove, please!

CROW: Oh, good, it's just Tails and his fireworks.

CROW: Were they planning on doing something other than *running* *around* any
time soon?

> When they reached the south end of Greenhill they could see what
> had caused the explosion. Robotnik had sent down an SBS Trooper inside
> his Squeeze Tag machine.

TOM: A bizarre variant of the standard game played in schoolyards.

> The Squeeze Tag was a more powerful version of
> the Eggomatic, lines on the top with spikes and with two long, powerful
> arms attached, capable of crushing even the strongest substances.

MIKE: But of course it will be incapable of harming Sonic.

TOM: Sure! We all are!

> Sonic
> remembered all too well how this fearsome vehicle had destroyed the
> secret base back when Knuckles was still on Robotnik's side. Knuckles
> remembered it too, all too well.

[ Everyone snickers for a moment. ]

> The Squeeze Tag was destroying
> buildings with single sweeps of its arms.

> Sonic wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead and leapt into the
> air, where he curled up into a ball, so that he landed on the ground in
> a slight spin and began to roll.

BOTS: [ singing ] Rollin', rollin', rollin'...

> He sped over the hill and down towards
> the Troopers. Bowling through them he smacked into the side of the
> Squeeze Tag machine. The driver tried his best to keep the vehicle
> steady in the air

MIKE: [ robot ] And I thought being a chauffeur would be an *easy* job!

> as Sonic bounced off it again and again. Knuckles was
> busy fighting the Troopers, but he soon joined in with Sonic. The Tag
> Squeeze was about to give in...

TOM: [ ominous voice ] Or so they--

TOM: [ high-pitched voice ] Thought.

> Suddenly, Sonic felt a sharp pain in his back. The pain went all
> the way round to his chest, and it made him writhe in agony. Looking
> down at his bleeding chest he saw five metal fingers poking out of his
> skin.

MIKE: That's just--eew!

CROW: Was all this violence in the original version of the story?

TOM: When this was originally written, the authors were twelve.

CROW: You've just answered my question.

> He heard a laugh behind him, and knew at once it was a Metallix.
> The Metallix threw him to the floor. Sonic just had time to see the
> Metallix ram its hand into Knuckles' back before he blacked out.

CROW: It's entirely possible that I'll be ill.

MIKE: Crow, you don't even have internal organs. Don't worry.

> The Metallix's
> hand hadn't gone right the way through, but it had injured him very
> badly. He clutched his chest and tottered dizzily on the blackened
> grass. The Squeeze Tag lashed out with one of its hands.

CROW: [ Squeeze Tag ] You're it!

TOM: [ Squeeze Tag ] No! Bad Knuckles!

> The hand
> smacked into Knuckles' head, and he flew backwards to land on Sonic. He
> couldn't figure out what had happened.

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] Duhhhh...

> The pain screamed in his ears and
> lurched in his chest. His limbs were jolting every now and again in
> painful spasms, and he didn't know what was going on as the Squeeze Tag
> moved above them.

ALL: [ Knuckles ] Duhhhh...

CROW: Wow, so this is how he dies.

TOM: Kind of anticlimactic.

MIKE: Oh well, not like we care.

TOM: Come on! They've *got* to be dead after all *that*!!

CROW: Two words: "Todd Fox".

MIKE: Much more effective than those styrofoam axes they tried for a while.

TOM: Pi is defined as the ratio of any circle's circumference to its
diameter.

MIKE: Dr. Robert Cade created the formula for Gatorade in 1965.

CROW: The saying "bury the hatchet" originated with some Native American
tribes, which made peace by literally burying a hatchet in the ground.

> his head was throbbing fit to
> burst. Every part of his body ached, and he knew that if he so much as
> coughed his chest would probably explode.

CROW: Knowing David, that's probably gonna happen soon.

> He had bad cuts and scratches
> all over his body. He was amazed that he had survived. He was lying in
> an uncomfortable position on an uncomfortable metal bed,

MIKE: In an uncomfortable room in an uncomfortable house on an uncomfortable
street.

> although at
> this point just about anything would be uncomfortable to him.
> "Unnngnngghh..." Sonic groaned. He tried to sit up but he was in
> too much pain. He began to get his vision back. He was in a dark, metal
> cell.

TOM: An *uncomfortable* cell.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] Ohhhhh, shouldn't have eaten that gruel they gave us...

> A pair of black and red eyes appeared at the door's minuscule
> window. It was the Metallix. There was no way to be sure that it was any
> one of the Metallixes they'd met so far,

MIKE: They should have name tags.

TOM: He needs a name. How about #574?

> but it was a Metallix all the
> same. It gave an unnecessary chuckle.
> "You haven't won yet, Metallix!" Knuckles tried to shout, but it
> came out as more of a groaned "nggo

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] My Eggo.

TOM: [ Knuckles, weakly ] Damn you... Mr. Mxyztlpk...

MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'll track you down and pound you ham! I mean senseless.

> "I'll find you and finish you off, you monster!"
> "Just as I am a monster so are you," the Metallix said, coolly.
> "The red one with his oversized knuckles and you, the all-round

CROW: [ Metallix ] You gotta stop pigging out on those donuts!

> It said this in exactly its usual tone of
> voice, but Sonic could tell it was feeling very smug.
> "You're just a pile of metal made to look like the world's
> greatest hero," Sonic groaned.

CROW: It's shaped like the Protector?

> The Metallix seemed amused. It had a
> strange way of expressing emotions without actually expressing them. The
> light on its chest flashed, and four Troopers arrived to take its place.
> "This squabbling is of no use to me," the Metallix said calmly.
> "You shall rot in your cells."

MIKE: [ Metallix ] I could kill you, but I won't, for reasons which will come
to me.

> At that, the Metallix left. Sonic and
> Knuckles collapsed on the floor and lost consciousness again.
> Hours later, Sonic awoke. He felt much stronger than before now
> that his energy was replenished from the sleep.

TOM: That whole blood loss thing? Pfah. Everything's solved once you just
wake up.

> Knuckles woke several
> minutes later, during which time Sonic had time to formulate a plan. It
> wasn't much of a plan, but it was a plan none the less.

CROW: It was a crappy plan, but it was a plan nonetheless.

MIKE: It was a plan that would lead to their deaths, but hey, they've got a
plan!

> "Knuckles," Sonic whispered as Knuckles began to open his eyes.
> "Knuckles, wake up. I think I know a way out of here."
> "Nggh?"

TOM: Still can't handle multiple syllables yet.

> Knuckles sighed, and stood up groggily. He was not as
> strong as Sonic at the moment, but he could still stand quite well.
> "Watch." Sonic hammered on the cell door, screaming at the
> Troopers standing guard outside. They didn't respond.

MIKE: [ Troopers ] This isn't bugging me. You're not touching me.

> Sonic plucked a
> small stone from the undersole of his sneaker and hurled it through the
> bars of the door's tiny window, where it clanked against the back of a
> Trooper's head. The Trooper didn't even notice.
> "So what?" Knuckles complained, rubbing his chest

CROW: Stop doing that. Stop doing that *right* *now*.

> in pain.
> "They're not self-aware. How can that help us?"
> "Robotnik's got cameras attached to each one of them, right?
> Well I'm betting he doesn't have a sound receiver." Sonic bent over to
> whisper in Knuckles' ear.

CROW: [ Sonic, whispering ] I love you.

MIKE: Now why did he need to whisper just that one word?

TOM: Riiiiicolaaaaa!

> "Hey Robuttnik! Y'old lard-belly! I can't believe
> anyone could be so uuugly as you are! And I thought the Swatbots were
> ugly! Whoo! People just look at you and chunk!

> And can you blame them?
> Now be honest..."
> At this point, Robotnik would have cracked. He would have turned
> the Troopers round to attack, but he didn't.. The Troopers didn't move.

CROW: [ Trooper ] Oil... can...

> This was a very good sign. "Now all there is to do is find a way out of
> here that the Troopers won't see..." Sonic thought out loud.
> "Watch," Knuckles said, grinning.

MIKE: These two do a lot of watching each other.

MIKE: I know, I know.

CROW: [ demonically ] --Plunging them into the fiery depths of Hell itself!!

MIKE: No, Crow, I'm afraid it didn't.

CROW: [ still demonically ] Aw.

> Knuckles tore at the metal, prising it further and
> further apart, until he could fit underneath. Sonic followed, pushing
> Knuckles aside.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Outta the way. You'll only screw it up.

> "This is where I come in," said Sonic, curling up into a ball
> and pushing his hands across the muddy floor. He began to spin on the
> spot, the with one large jerk, he shot forwards, drilling out another
> tunnel.

CROW: Oh, whaddaya know, the heroes actually escaped.

MIKE: So much for avoiding the guards, I guess!

TOM: So why did they need to keep the Troopers from seeing the escape route?

CROW: It was a handicap. Like escaping from jail with one arm tied behind your
back the whole way.

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] Dude, where the heck are we?

TOM: [ Sonic ] I dunno, man.

CROW: Just east of the spleen of Robotropolis.

> Doors lined the walls of the corridor, and
> they could see innocent civilians and Freedom Fighters inside the cells,
> some of which they knew personally.

TOM: They're on really good terms with those cells.

CROW: Let me hurt him, Mike. Please let me hurt him.

MIKE: Crow, calm down, please.

> into each door in turn, opening them all and freeing the
> people inside. These were probably the last non-robots in the whole of
> Robotropolis.

TOM: Say yes to roboticization!

CROW: Down with non-robots!

> "Sonic!" A young rabbit cried. Sonic recognised her as Jodie,
> Johnny Lightfoot's younger sister. She and Sonic had been friends until
> she vanished from South Island. "I'm so glad you came!" The small gang
> raced across the corridor,

ALL: [ singing ] Go, Speed Racer, go, Speed Racer...

> helping to free more people as they went.
> "You look pretty hurt, what happened?" The young rabbit asked.
> "Believe me, you don't wanna meet him," Sonic replied, running
> round a corner.

TOM: [ Sonic ] They want you to *think* he's a jolly old elf, but don't be
fooled.

CROW: Wet your pants.

CROW: [ calling ] Bring out your dead!

> Sonic felt himself run right into a metal wall. But it couldn't
> have been a wall, due to its strange shape. He turned his head to stare
> into the pair of black and red eyes.

ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...

> "Ooh, why here's one now," the Metallix snarled, throwing Sonic
> aside. The light on its chest glowed for a second before blasting a beam
> of power towards the animals.

MIKE: Hey, the Metallix is a Care B--

TOM: No, no, we already did that one.

CROW: [ exaggerated gulping sound ]

> She tried to scream, but her voice was
> stopped, trapped inside a cocoon of green energy. As her skin began to
> deteriorate,

MIKE: Ewwww! Eww eww eww!

CROW: I thought we were *past* the really gross scene!

> the look on her face was one of terror and pain, and as the
> skin began to vanish, her eyes seemed to get wider and wider... Then the
> energy shield vanished, along with the rabbit inside it. Her scream was
> set free to echo around the long corridor.

TOM: Wh--dead already? We've only known her for five paragraphs!

CROW: Not Jodie! I liked her! Why'd she have to die?

MIKE: Life is cruel that way, sometimes.

TOM: He just had to *boogie*!

CROW: Yeah, hedgehogs are known for their fierce call.

MIKE: [ dweeby voice ] Grrr, I'll hurt you! [ snort ]

> he leaped into the air and came crashing down on the Metallix's
> chest. The Metallix flew backwards, electricity licking its body.
> Knuckles stepped forwards and performed a strong upper-cut.

TOM: Tiger Uppercut!

CROW: [ at the same time ] Dolphin Blow!

MIKE: [ in unison with both of them ] Hiryu Shoten Ha!
[ Everyone stops and stares at each other. ]

> With a
> terrible scraping, tearing sound the Metallix's head was ripped from its
> shoulders to land at the other side of the room. It's body twitched for
> a second before it toppled over and fell apart.

MIKE: I'm wondering why the body can't have some sort of control processor in
it too.

CROW: Yeah, just 'cause humans die when you tear off their heads doesn't mean
robots should have to, right?

> Sonic and Knuckles stood over the pile of metal that had
> threatened the lives of however many people, Sonic and Knuckles didn't
> know. Suddenly they

TOM: That is to say, Sonic and Knuckles.

CROW: Kissed themselves.

> as the light that had been attached to
> the Metallix's chest but now lay on top of the scraps attached by a few
> wires, flashed into life. Seven Evilnik

[ Everyone snickers. ]

MIKE: That's even worse than "Badnik".

CROW: Are the Sonic people trying to make Robotnik sound Russian or something?

> Troopers appeared from inside
> the one door that they hadn't managed to open when trying to rescue
> people. Two of the Troopers collected the Metallix's remains and carried
> them back into the room they had come from,

TOM: [ Trooper ] The least we can do is give him a proper burial.

MIKE: [ Trooper ] He was a good Metallix. [ sniff ] I'll miss him.

> and the other five began to
> chase after Sonic and Knuckles' gang. The gang sped off around the
> twisting passages and corridors that made up this prisonhouse.

CROW: They were in a prisonhouse of twisty passages, all alike?

> They rounded the last corner but the exit was guarded by another
> two Evilnik Troopers and a few Scoutbots. Fighting off the Scoutbots and
> dodging the Evilnik attacks as best they could,

MIKE: Ow! Ow! Hotfoot! Hotfoot! Ow!

> the gang were soon able
> to escape the prisonhouse and flee across Robotropolis. Fortunately the
> prisonhouse was situated on the border of Metropolis City, and so they

TOM: Got home just in time for "The Price is Right" on the Game Show Network.

CROW: [ Sonic ] I've gotta stop at the little hedgehog's room!

TOM: His savings account!

ALL: [ the light dawns ] Ohhhhhh!

> Once the
> Mobius Rings had been commonplace, but since Robotnik's attacks Sonic
> and his friends had to collect them all together to replenish their
> energy.

CROW: So they *are* snack cakes.

MIKE: Yeah, last time I went to the grocery store, I saw a bunch of packages
of Mobius Rings on the shelf. You wouldn't believe how much fat they
have in 'em, though.

TOM: Power Ring Concentrate.

> that were too strong to be absorbed: the ones that had been in contact
> with the Chaos Emeralds at the time of the explosion in Kintobor's lab
> which changed the friendly scientist into Doctor Ivo Robotnik.

MIKE: *Man*, that was a heavy sentence.

TOM: I count six prepositional phrases.

> Sonic held the Power Ring above his head and it let out a bright
> light. Its power seeped into Sonic and his legs began to spin rapidly.
> There was a loud sonic boom

TOM: Heh, like his name! Heh heh! Heh. Kill me.

> as Sonic shot across the sea, carrying the
> fugitives with him. Across the waves he raced, not slowing or growing
> tired.

CROW: He can walk on water! Sonic is God's son!

MIKE: Crow, I'm fairly sure that God is not a hedgehog.

> Within no time at all the gang had arrived back on South Island.
> As the fugitives separated to find their families or friends,
> Sonic and Knuckles stopped on the North Beach.

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] So we're right back where we started.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Boy, our jobs stink.

CROW: Preparing to build the RobotnikLand theme park!

> clearing the Island of everything. Soon it would be flat and
> lifeless, and Robotnik could start to build more Robotropolis.

TOM: Well, he *could*, technically, but--

TOM: Hey, he repeats himself, I repeat myself.

MIKE: Let's just get out of here.

[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]

[ Satellite of Love. Everyone's just standing around. ]

MIKE: Hello, folks! I was inspired by the fact that Sonic, Knuckles, and all
the other characters in this story do an excessive amount of running,
and yet they use the same type of pointy, uncomfortable shoe that they
always have--or, a lot of the time, no shoes at all. So I've asked Tom
and Crow to design a type of shoe they think our heroes should wear.
[ Tom and Crow quietly discuss the fact that they don't remember Mike

asking that. ] I, of course, also designed a shoe of my own. So who
wants to go first?

TOM: Ah, why don't you go, Mike? [ "runs" off screen ]

CROW: Yeah, you'd better take the stage. [ also runs off ]

MIKE: Well, OK. I've noticed that when I run or jump for a long time, my feet
start to hurt, so in my shoe [ pulls shoe out from under table ] I
installed an off road shock system for maximum comfort to the wearer.
[ Several large shock absorbers are attached to the shoe Mike holds. ]

CROW: [ reenters ] Uh, I'm ready, Mike.

MIKE: OK, what have you got?

CROW: OK, you know how in comics superheroes have rocket boots? Well, I've
always found the idea impractical, considering the size of these boots
or shoes. I mean, where are the actual jets, or the fuel? So I've
designed [ Cambot begins to zoom out ] the practical rocket boot!
[ The bottom of a Saturn V-sized engine is visible on the side of the
screen. Tom reenters. ]

MIKE: Crow, where's the shoe?

CROW: It's on the very top, see?

MIKE: Ah. Well, Servo, what do you have for us?

TOM: We have all heard the term "one size fits all", but I took that idea to
the farthest step and truly designed the shoe that comes in one size and
fits all. [ displays a small uninflated balloonish thing ] Just inflate
to the desired size and, cello, you have a comfortable shoe that fits!

MIKE: Very nice! Good job, both of you. [ The Commercial Sign flashes. ] Say,
Crow, where did you get that rocket engine?

CROW: I pulled it off the back of the satellite when Gypsy wasn't looking.

MIKE: Oh, okay. [ The screen suddenly tilts violently to the left. ] Well,
we'll be right back. Crow?

CROW: I know, I know. [ starts pushing the rocket off-screen ]

[ MST3K planet bumper (tilted violently to the left). Commercials ensue. ]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 5
-- Shay Caron

E-mail: gleemoth@aol.com
Web site: http://protection.keenspace.com/
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 6 of 6.

TOM: I wish I had feet.

CROW: You can have mine.

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] This number's factors add up to equal it!

TOM: Sheesh, why don't you just hold the button *down*?

CROW: [ Robotnik ] I'm considering calling it "Stonehenge". Whaddaya think?

MIKE: [ Grimer ] Er, it's, ah, taken, sir.

MIKE: [ Grimer ] On strike!

TOM: [ Grimer ] Really cranky, sir!

> are moving, sir!" Robotnik spun round his
> chair and peered into the screen. Grimer was right, the Super Emeralds
> were moving. They had somehow dislodged themselves from their resting
> positions in the power chamber and had begun to spin around each other
> in mid-air.

CROW: [ Emeralds ] Let's polka!

> Robotnik jumped out of his chair and ran to a pad in the floor.
> Flicking a switch in the wall, he stood straight with his arms pressed
> firmly by his sides as the pad shot downwards, through a narrow, metal
> pipe.

TOM: [ Robotnik ] Wheeeeee--oh, sorry.

CROW: [ Robotnik ] They're *nude*!

MIKE: They're *emeralds*, Crow.

CROW: Oh, right. ...But they *are* nude.

MIKE: All right, I concede the point.

> The Super
> Emeralds were spinning several times faster than before, and the light
> they were generating was getting more powerful.
> The Super Emeralds were attempting to end the war.

CROW: We got some exposition about this way back when, didn't we?

TOM: It seems like it was three years ago...

> but they could help the Freedom
> Fighters along a little.
> A giant laser shot out of the Super Emeralds, along the power
> containment tubes and out of the Death Egg's eyes.

TOM: It's a Distortion Field!

CROW: It's a ProtoLaser!

MIKE: It's a Plot Device!

> Robotnik and Grimer
> fell to the floor as the Egg swung round to face the Mobian Sea. The
> beam hit the water with great force, and something began to happen.
> Bubbles floated to the surface

CROW: Oh, the ocean let one.

> as pieces of land collided and stuck
> together. More and more broken chunks of land began to fit together and
> the cracks in-between them disappeared.

MIKE: The Super Emeralds are *really* good at jigsaw puzzles.

> As Sonic and Knuckles watched in awe and amazement, Angel Island
> emerged from the waters, fully healed. It was unbelievable.

ALL: Well, believe it!!

> Only hours
> ago they had seen in blown apart by the sea, and now it was restored.
> Everything on the Island was back in position as well.

TOM: And that's not all!!

> Clutching Knuckles' arm in one hand and the Power Ring in the
> other, Sonic raced across the sea again. The Ring had just enough power
> left in it to take them to the banks of Angel Island. They jumped onto
> the Island and scrambled onto the land.
> Inside the Death Egg, the Super Emeralds fell back into their
> resting positions.

CROW: [ football coach ] And... break!!

TOM: [ drill sargeant ] At ease!!

> Their power drained, they were no longer strong
> enough to keep the Death Egg in the air. Robotnik let out an angry
> bellow

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Mooooooo!!!

> as the whole of the Death Egg began to plummet towards Angel
> Island, where it landed with an earth-shaking boom. Robotnik stepped
> back into the lift and shot up towards the control room of the Death
> Egg.
> "Grimer!" Robotnik barked as he entered the control room,

TOM: [ Robotnik ] Get me some flea powder and a biscuit!

> "move
> the Death Egg into firing position! We must destroy Sonic and
> Knuckles!!"
> The Death egg rolled backwards slightly, its mighty eyes
> pointing directly at the two heroes.

CROW: [ Death Egg ] Hi, how ya doin'?

> There was no time to stop and
> think, so it was extremely fortunate that Knuckles already had a plan.
> "Follow me." He began to run towards the Death Egg.

MIKE: This is another one of those "not very good, but a plan nonetheless",
isn't it?

TOM: So as long as they're doing *something*, it doesn't *matter* if it's
moronic or not!

> "Are you crazy??" Sonic yelled after him. Looking forwards he
> realised his eyes simply couldn't put the Death Egg's size in contrast
> with Knuckles'.

TOM: Or they were just lazy.

> It seemed Knuckles should have reached the Egg several
> metres ago, and yet he just kept running, getting smaller and smaller.

CROW: He's the Incredible Shrinking Echidna!

> "Follow me!" Knuckles shouted again, and kept running. Sonic
> could hardly see him now against the colossal Death Egg, but the eyes
> were beginning to glow again. Sonic had no choice.

MIKE: The only thing on the menu that he even liked was the French toast.

> He had to follow
> Knuckles, if only to save him. Running on the spot, Sonic picked up just
> enough speed and shot forwards. He gritted his teeth and ran faster. The
> Death Egg's eyes were glowing brighter still.

TOM: But what is it using its X-ray vision *for*?

MIKE: [ Knuckles ] My contraband shipment of cheese arrives any minute now.

> "Sonic, does that Power Ring have any power left in it at all?"
> Sonic took out the Power Ring and looked at the dull light it
> was emitting. "A tiny bit. Why?"

TOM: [ Knuckles ] My Palm's battery just ran out.

> Without answering, Knuckles snatched it away from Sonic. He kept
> running until he was about to reach one of the Death Egg's huge eyes,
> which was almost a hundred times taller than he was. Lifting the Ring
> into the air Knuckles brought his fist down into the eye.

CROW: [ Death Egg ] Ow!! What the hell was *that* for?!

MIKE: [ Curly imitation ] Woop-woop-woop-woop!

TOM: Which promptly exploded.

> The resultant force sent the Death Egg rolling
> backwards, just as it fired. The energy bolt flew up into the sky and
> vanished as it hit the planet's atmosphere.

CROW: Good lord, what did the poor ozone layer do to deserve *that*?

> The Death Egg crashed into a huge rock. The rock bashed a large
> dent in the side of the Egg, and sent it rolling back towards Sonic and
> Knuckles. They leaped out of the way and the Egg rolled into the sea.

MIKE: 20,000 Omelettes Under the Sea.

> A
> vast wave began to grow as the Egg rolled through the sea. The wave
> splashed down on South Island.
> At that moment, the Super Emeralds helped again.

CROW: Did they help before?

MIKE: Well, they *did* put the Floating Island back together.

CROW: Yeah, so? I could do that with some time and some SuperGlue.

TOM: It did help, Crow! It... ah... Help me out here, Mike!

MIKE: Well... I think it made Knuckles feel better.

TOM: There, see? A morale boost!

CROW: Oh, and now they're just gonna destroy it again! Sheesh.

> Something began to form in the middle of all the light:
> a new Master Emerald. Created from the combined powers of all six
> Emeralds, this was the most powerful yet.

MIKE: It could leap tall buildings in a... Sorry.

TOM: Wait, what? Hang on, the Master Emerald's created on the island, and the
force *pulls* the Death Egg onto the island? Ow.

TOM: This super-powerful Master Emerald is... an ugly gray oval?

MIKE: Come on! It should be iridescent with a bunch of facets all over it!

> As it did, the Floating Island began to rise out of the sea.
> As the Island shook, Sonic and Knuckles were thrown over the
> edge and down towards the sea. They landed unharmed,

CROW: "Landed" on the sea. Ch'yeah.

> but the Floating
> Island was till rising. They couldn't get back to it.
> "Sonic," Knuckles cried, "Robotnik is up there on Angel Island,"
> Knuckles cried. "I don't doubt he's already working out how to launch
> another attack on South Island!

TOM: Knuckles cried.

> The two of them swam towards South Island, and when they got
> there they found the wave the Death Egg had created had flooded the
> Island. It was waist-deep.

MIKE: That last sentence was an example of David's amazing eloquence.

> Wadeing across the beach and stopping by the
> parked Freedom Plane, Sonic and Knuckles wondered what they could do
> now. Robotnik had finally won.

TOM: Haven't we seen this same scene about fifteen times?

> Robotnik had the Super Emeralds, he's destroyed South
> Island, he'd roboticised the rest of Mobius and the Freedom Fighters'
> Empire was finally over.
> "What are we going to do, Sonic?" Tails asked, sadly.

CROW: [ Sonic ] Well, I'm planning to drown my sorrows with lots of *beer*.

MIKE: Is Sonic underage, do you think?

> "I don't know, little bro," Sonic replied. "I don't know."
> Everything was finished. Nothing anyone could do would stop Robotnik
> this time. He slumped backwards onto the side of the plane, unsure what
> to do next. The question was answered for him.

CROW: The plane told him what to do!

TOM: God appeared to him in his lunchmeat!

MIKE: Santa's coming down from heaven to make it all better!

> A bubble floated to the surface of the sea. Then another. But
> how? Since Robotnik's reign there were no fish left. They had all been
> roboticised.

MIKE: He roboticizes *fish*?! What would be the point to *that*?

CROW: Remember those "flying death guppies" Pearl mentioned earlier? Now think
"robot flying death guppies".

MIKE: "Flying death guppies"? Actually I *don't* remember that...

TOM: Anyway, the fish on this planet are probably just as smart as all the
other animals.

CROW: Which is to say, not much.

> The bubbles became more numerous, like a giant Jacuzzi.
> Sonic and Knuckles jumped out of the water as it got unbearably hot, and
> clung onto the plane. The sea was boiling.

MIKE: The sea was *pissed*!

> Then there was a huge
> explosion underwater, sending a vast geyser shooting upwards and
> splashing back down on the ocean again dramatically.

TOM: Those depth charges didn't have quite the effect Robotnik hoped for.

CROW: Oh, I know this one! It's the author's self-insertion character, come to
save the world versus improbable odds!

TOM: Crow, don't worry. It's way too late in the story for a new character.
Author insertions always have the entire fanfic to themselves.

CROW: So Sonic has mastered instantaneous teleportation!

CROW: And instantaneous body paint.

> It couldn't have been a Metallix because this Sonic had actual
> skin, and it also owned a pair of knuckles exactly like Knuckles', and
> twin tails which it was currently using to fly with. Its back was lined
> with golden spikes in Sonic's image, but its head was protected with
> Knuckles' head spikes. A large silver axe was strapped to its waist. In
> its hands the figure held the original Master Emerald.

[ A long pause, and then everyone starts giggling. ]

MIKE: A golden Sonic with pointy knuckles and tails?

CROW: Genetic splicing has gone too far this time!

TOM: Hah, that sounds like a character a... twelve-year-old... fan would...
make up. Oh, yeah.

CROW: That silver axe is pretty cool, though.

MIKE: [ figure ] Daddies?

> then shot off towards the Floating Island. The heroes on the beach were
> astonished by its speed. It was as fast as Sonic even in the air.

TOM: You know, if you imagine this stuff as being spoken by Stephen Hawking,
it's a lot more entertaining.

CROW: Hey, what isn't?

MIKE: [ figure ] Candy-gram!

>
> Doctor Ivo Robotnik watched with glee as his new henchman
> entered the control room. Now that he had the Master Emerald he would be
> able to power-up the Super Emeralds again, and Mobius would be his! It
> was a simple plan,

TOM: Simple plans for simple people.

MIKE: Except when it does, which should be happening any minute now.

> "MetalAxe," Robotnik greeted the golden hedgehog. "I see you
> have the Emerald. Follow me." MetalAxe nodded and followed his Master.

CROW: He followed his master while holding the Master. Hee hee!

> They stepped into the power chamber again. There the six Super
> Emeralds sat in a large ring, mounted on a metal platform. The Super
> Emeralds were no longer emitting light.

TOM: They were emitting dark.

CROW: Turn off the darklight so I can see!

> In the centre of the ring of
> Emeralds was one empty slot, slightly larger than the others. Robotnik
> pointed to the slot, and MetalAxe carried the Master Emerald towards it.

MIKE: [ MetalAxe ] Hmm, what am I supposed to do with this? Oh, *thanks*.

> As soon as he had fitted the Master Emerald in the centre of the ring,
> they could feel its power filling the room. Robotnik flicked a switch in
> the wall and the Master Emerald's power was channelled along a series of
> wires.

CROW: The wires caught fire, and the rest of the Death Egg followed suit.

> The whole room lit up with the energy, the round metal platform
> the most. The wires touched the Super Emeralds, which began to glow with
> their former power. Then something happened that Robotnik hadn't
> expected.

TOM: The Emeralds just sort of popped.

MIKE: The Emeralds put on a dance number!

> The Master Emerald rose into the air, and began to spin. Small
> balls of energy floated out of each Super Emerald, in the colour of its
> Emerald. The pulsating balls began to rotate around the Master Emerald
> in a large ring. The same thing happened again, but this ring span in
> the opposite direction. The two sets of energy balls spinning round the
> Master Emerald was truly a beautiful sight to behold. The energy balls
> began to solidify.

CROW: Mike, you'll note that I made no comments about the spinning, pulsating
balls in the previous paragraph.

MIKE: Er, thank you.

MIKE: Who, incidentally, wILl NoT bE PleAsEd.

TOM: [ Robotnik ] Du-hu-hu-hude!

> Chaos and Super Emeralds together at the same
> time. With the Grey Emerald drawing its power from the Master, Robotnik
> could do anything. Anything at all.

MIKE: He could keep library books and not pay the late fee!

CROW: So basically the Super Emeralds had no effect whatsoever, and, in fact,
still ended up helping Robotnik?

MIKE: Yup, looks that way.

TOM: At least they tried.

TOM: Most things, actually.

> the huge, grey oval Master Emerald
> that sat in the centre of Angel Island. Not that it mattered. With the
> powers of the Super Emeralds, the Chaos Emerald and the Master and Grey
> Emeralds combined, Robotnik could do anything he wanted.

CROW: He could watch adult cable channels without paying a cent!

> He had
> unlimited powers at his disposal.
> Sonic, Knuckles and Tails had climbed into the plane and were
> already flying away as the Death Egg moved into firing position.

CROW: Oh yeah, the... thing they talked about a long time ago. ...Dang, this
story is long.

> Sonic just hoped the
> underground laboratories weren't destroyed in the earthquake.
> An immense pillar of bright white light exploded from the eyes
> of the Death Egg and smacked into Angel Island.

MIKE: Oh, this is that new really thick light I've heard about.

CROW: Robotnik can do anything with these Emeralds and he's turning Mobius
into *glass*?!

> There was an almighty splash as the Island landed in the sea,
> which changed to glass instantly. Droplets of water flew up into the air
> and landed as glass, shattering on the solid waves as the whole sea
> changed to glass.

TOM: Talk about a lack of vision! I'd turn the planet into *chocolate*,
myself.

> The plane stopped just above Knothole. Sonic, Knuckles and Tails
> could do nothing but watch as the glass spread out across South Island.

MIKE: Now, me, I'd turn the planet into a giant cheese baseball. You've got
the food thing, and the Wisconsin thing, and the sports thing.

> The destroyed trees of Greenhill Forest became transparent, and Sonic
> could see desperate workers running around under the glass, trying to
> get out. The vast, black and purple Nightship sat in the centre of the
> underground rooms.

MIKE: How about you, Crow?

CROW: Gold, all the way. Valuable, sufficiently shiny, and a monument to the
perfect color.

TOM: Second-perfect, next to red.

CROW: You wish, cherry boy.

MIKE: Oh, hey, I think something's happening.

CROW: Oh, right, right. Um... "Did you feel the glass move?"

> "Sorry, Sonic."
> "Rotor, run!" Sonic cried. The walrus was his chief mechanic and
> a good friend, but now everyone was equal in Sonic's mind.

MIKE: [ knowingly ] But some were more equal than others.

TOM: [ Rotor ] What is this concept of "everyone"?

> "Tell as many people as you can!" As Rotor ran off, Sonic heard
> the Freedom Plane land and Tails and Knuckles ran towards him.

CROW: [ Tails ] Sonic, Knuckles keeps hitting me! Make him stop!

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Tails started it!

MIKE: [ Sonic ] You two settle down or I'll turn this Nightship around.

> Sonic
> began to run towards the Nightship, but realised his feet had stuck to
> the floor slightly. Strange, he thought. He must have stepped in
> something.

MIKE: Strange, he thought. He was thinking in third person.

TOM: Thrill as Sonic steps in something! Gasp as he scrapes it off his shoe!

CROW: Yeah, then what?

MIKE: Since dependent clauses cannot stand by themselves.

CROW: [ Robotnik ] Oops. Knew I forgot *something*.

TOM: He cried again.

> "It must be entirely glass by now," Tails added. Sonic looked
> around to see civilians running across the transparent sea, trying to

CROW: The Gathering.

MIKE: Throne of Bhaal.

> the only area on Mobius still in its natural state.
> Within minutes hundreds of animals were all huddled together in one
> small space.

CROW: [ random Mobian ] Hey! No groping!

TOM: [ random Mobian ] Get your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape.

> The glass was coming in from all shores, and the space that
> was left was still decreasing.
> The three heroes ran across the clear, smooth ground towards the
> grassy area where the civilians were standing.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Boy, we sure did a good job saving you all, didn't we?

> The area was only a few
> metres wide now. Within a few seconds, the last square centimetre of
> Mobius changed to glass, and the glass began to run up the civilians'
> legs.

CROW: So why didn't it do that when they were running across the sea?

TOM: Some sort of contrivance, that's all I know.

MIKE: The wave of glass can only handle one thing at a time. First the planet,
*then* the people. It has problems multitasking.

> A chipmunk tried to run but fell forwards, her legs firmly
> attached to the ground. The glass reached her fingertips in mid-fall,
> and all that was left of her was a petrified glass statue.
> Knuckles looked down at his own feet. To his horror he saw that
> they were already made from glass.

MIKE: [ just looks down at his feet; shivers a bit ]

> He heard a scream, and turned to see
> the glass was taking over Tails. Tails pointed his nose upwards as if
> trying to breathe in an enclosed room filling up with water. Then
> Knuckles watched the glass overcome Tails.

CROW: Gee, how lovingly David describes this young fox turning into glass.

> His glass body toppled
> forwards and landed on the glass floor, remarkably not shattering.
> Doctor Robotnik watched the whole spectacle through a large
> viewscreen in the Death Egg.

MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Hmm, perhaps I've overdone it a bit this time.

MIKE: Ew! Don't ask *me* to clean that up.

TOM: Except that it's still *right* *there*.

> It was now his Crystal Egg
> to do with what he pleased, and Sonic and Knuckles were about to die
> with it. Not only that, he would have a nice collection of glass statues
> to commemorate the day when Doctor Ivo Julian Robotnik triumphed over
> the Freedom Fighters.

MIKE: Three more and he'll have the whole set!

CROW: You can buy them on QVC for about twenty bucks apiece.

> MetalAxe flew out of the Death Egg and hovered over Mobius, the
> Doctor's laughter amplified by his built-in loudspeaker. As Sonic dived
> to catch Tails, he looked angrily up into the sky at the triumphant
> golden hedgehog.

CROW: [ Sonic ] I wonder how much I could sell that for...

MIKE: He could hear it...

MIKE: Death, destruction, boredom, and annoying characters on both sides!

CROW: Hey, Sonic never died! No fair!

TOM: To "FanFics"? What the heck is a "FanFics"?

CROW: I dunno, some story archive desperate for a name?

MIKE: And they meet up with the Power Rangers.

TOM: Watch it. We might get one of Mike Rossell's unedited works.

CROW: "Again"? Did he do something besides float around that I missed?

MIKE: Considering our expectations, I don't think we will.

TOM: Wall-mounted keyboards and zambonis!

CROW: One-eyed aliens and Mom's old fashioned robot oil!

MIKE: Evolved apes, guys with brains in pans, and omnipotent children!

TOM: Watch out!! Here they come!! [ Everyone leaps to the ground. ]

MIKE: I don't want to think about him reproducing.

CROW: I'm worried it might be with Amy.

MIKE: Nikbotnikbotnikbot.

TOM: How can you "destruct" space? It's not there! It's space.

CROW: Gonna party like it's 2099!

MIKE: Pause for breath.

TOM: [ Dave ] This Internet thingy is great, isn't it?

CROW: Pet sheep, Lulu.

MIKE: At least he knows what to expect.

TOM: And he's accommodating.

CROW: Eeeew, don't say "accommodating".

MIKE: Tap your heels together three times and say, "There's no place like
FanFic!"

TOM: "My character is 'Dood'. He's a kewl dood."

CROW: Doesn't he speak English?

> I need to know every
> detail of their background etc. Try and include a drawing of the
> character if there is such a thing. I love using new characters!

MIKE: [ David ] Copyright violation is fun!

CROW: Yes, and thanks for biting me.
[ Everyone gets up to leave. ]

TOM: At least we didn't see an Omni Echidna.

MIKE: True, true.
[ They do, in fact, leave. ]

[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]

[ Satellite of Love. Every surface of the bridge, from the buttons to the desk
to the bone door on the back wall, is coated with a layer of--wait for
it--applesauce. Three beats. Enter Mike (squishing as he walks), mumbling to
himself and scribbling on a little pad of paper. ]

MIKE: [ mumbling ] ...and then multiply by a jar of honey, carry the guitar
string... [ He looks up and instantly recoils, tossing his pencil and
notepad across the bridge. ] Gyaah!! Crow! Tom! Gypsy!

[ Enter Crow, dressed up as MetalAxe, from the story. He's got the spines on
his back, two tails sticking up behind him, and a (cardboard) silver axe
tied to his torso. It actually looks pretty neat. ]

CROW: Hi, Mike. Well, it turns out I'm MetalAxe, so--yaagh!! What the heck
happened here, Nelson?

MIKE: I don't know! I just showed up! You didn't do it?

CROW: No-sir-ee-bob. I was planning to do a sketch where I dressed up as
MetalAxe, as is evidenced by my costume.

MIKE: And a very good costume it is, as well. Now to get to the bottom of
this...

CROW: I dunno, I saw Servo running around looking nervous.

MIKE: Ah, of course. Tom? Tom, honey?
[ Enter Tom, looking as guiltily nervous as a basically inanimate robot can. ]

TOM: Uh, hi, Mike! How're you doin'? Yesiree, everything's just fine! No
problems with me! Things're just plain hunky-dunk-diddley-do--

MIKE: What is going on here?!

TOM: [ breaks down under Mike's relentless interrogation ] I didn't mean to!
It was an accident! It was Crow's idea! Don't hurt me!

MIKE: Look, calm down! What did you do?

TOM: I was playing around <sniff>, with the Super Emeralds in back <sniff>,
and before I knew it, I'd, I'd, I'd turned the entire satellite into
applesauce!

CROW: We have Super Emeralds?

MIKE: Um. Cambot, Rocket #9, please.

[ A quick shot of the SOL exterior. Yep, the SOL looks like it's been dipped
in a bucket of applesauce. ]

[ Back to the bridge ]

MIKE: Dahh! How did you *do* that?!

TOM: I told ya, Super Emeralds.

MIKE: Well... Say, where's Gypsy?

TOM: Ooh, bad news about her.
[ Enter Gypsy, covered with still more applesauce. The produce bill for this
episode would be astronomical. ]

GYPSY: Please let me kill him, Mike. Please please please please *please* let
me kill him.

MIKE: Hold off, okay? Tom's going to clean up this mess right away, even if it
takes him until Pearl and the gang send End of Mobius part 2.

TOM: Oh, man!
[ The Mads Light flashes. ]

MIKE: [ taps it with a squish ] Hi, Mrs. F. What's up?

GYPSY: I'll go get him the mop.

CROW: So much for *my* sketch, I guess. Thanks a lot, Servo.

[ Castle Forrester. Half a dozen peculiar things are stacked in a huge
pile--among them a gray basketball with wings on it, a portable toilet with
helicopter blades on top, a funnel connected to a tube connected to a car
battery, and an empty box of Pop-Tarts. Observer and Bobo are sitting in old
chairs around the pile, while Pearl stands in front of it all, facing the
screen. ]

PEARL: Hello, my dear--my capti--um--you do know you're--right. Well, anyway.
We're just about to carry out my third plan for conquering the known

civilizations of the universe: the launch of the Ultrasonic Death
Attack Bomb! The threat of this thing hanging over the world will force
everyone to submit to my--

BOBO: Um, Lawgiver? I was using the Ultradeath Thingy to hold my banana
collection, and they got a little brown...

PEARL: ...Err, okay, then, plan D! We'll use the time-traveling Chron-o-John
to go back and place me in--

OBSERVER: We need a huge diamond to run the Chron-o-John, Madam.

PEARL: The cubic zirconium won't work?

OBSERVER: [ sigh ] Not unless you *want* tentacles controlling the world,
Pearl.

BOBO: What's a tentacle?

PEARL: Okay, okay, fine. How about the Uber-Electric Siphon?

OBSERVER: You'd need to place that in the core of the earth.

PEARL: The Mind-Melding Hypnosis Pastries?

BOBO: Is that what those were? They were delicious! Do you have any more--

OBSERVER: [ holds out his hand toward Bobo ] Sleep.
[ Bobo immediately passes out and collapses on the floor. ]

PEARL: [ starting to panic ] Uh, how about my ServeBot crew?!

OBSERVER: Some guy called Yamcha Hibiki stole them.

PEARL: The Vampiric Radish Squad?!

OBSERVER: Bobo ate it.

PEARL: My Mutated Poisonous Freakish Green Blobs?!

OBSERVER: Bobo ate *those*, too, strangely.

PEARL: But, but, but... [ begins to tear up ] I just wanna rule the world!!
How come everybody hates me so much?

OBSERVER: Ohh, there, there, Pearl. We don't hate you--well, of course we do,
but not in that *way*. Oh, come here.
[ Observer holds his arms out, and Pearl tentatively walks over and hugs him.
Then they both realize who's still watching. ]

PEARL: Get outta here, you stupid peeping toms! [ punches the camera out ]

[ For a split second, all that is visible is a massive close-up on Pearl's
right hook; then we cut to black. ]

[ End theme music. ]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of the MSTing
-- Shay Caron

E-mail: gleemoth@aol.com
Web site: http://protection.keenspace.com/
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of
copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
"End of Mobius" is (c) David Bulmer (and he's welcome to it). I'm not
repeating myself regarding infringement, so just see above. Many thanks to

him for not only allowing me to MST his story, but bringing it to my
attention in the first place! He's cool.
This MSTing is purely intended for entertainment and is not meant as an
insult. I'd never want to insult David, who's very pleasant--and patient!
Sorry it took three years to do this MSTing! If anyone's gonna be
insulted, it ought to be me!
Thanks go to Natalie Port and Ethan Gordon, my two great friends who provided
more riffs and ideas than I could've hoped for. Ethan wrote that host
segment about the new shoes a loooong time ago, and Natalie helped me

figure out what Mike would turn Mobius into. Now visit Natalie's web site:

http://mariposa.keenspace.com/ !
"Who's Yamcha Hibiki?" "Indeed, can we ever really know who Yamcha Hibiki is?"
Well, maybe this will help. http://yamcha.keenspace.com/
-and- http://comicollage.keenspace.com/
Sonic the Hedgehog MSTings! http://www.rpi.edu/~nebusj/sth3k/ ! Go there!
Joseph Nebus is incomparably cool!
I did a test just recently. The final result was that it takes around 291
licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. It was a cherry-flavored one;
I don't know if that matters.
My MSTing of part 1 of "End of Mobius" was proofread by these folks:

Natalie Port ( ninirose@hotmail.com ) and
Jesse Shearer ( ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com ).
If there's anything wrong, blame them. Rebo1234 and Nick Clark wanted to
but didn't have time; thanks anyway! Oh, and this is for you, Jesse:
"groinal fungus". Everyone else, don't ask.
Finally, thanks to the world for existing. Couldn't have done it without ya.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Bee) Stinger:

> "Omni!" Charmy exclaimed. "Boy, am I glad to see you! Why, you
> can fly us outta here before we can say whoops-diddley! There goes my
> behind!" But the Omni-Viewer didn't reply.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The End.
Keep Reading The Posts.

Rate this episode, if that's OK?

Kindly do not take the ratings too seriously.

Welcome, Won't You?

The End Of Mobius, Part I.

Original work by: David Bulmer.

MiSTed by: Shay Caron.

Created on: Sunday, 12 August 2001.

Added on: Tuesday, 20 January 2009.

Rated 8.00 with standard deviation 0.93 on 7 evaluations.

Part 1 of 6.

Part 2 of 6.

Part 3 of 6.

Part 4 of 6.

Part 5 of 6.

Part 6 of 6.

The End.
Keep Reading The Posts.

Rate this episode, if that's OK?

Welcome, Won't You?

Welcome, Won't You?

The End Of Mobius, Part I.

Original work by: David Bulmer.

MiSTed by: Shay Caron.

Created on: Sunday, 12 August 2001.

Added on: Tuesday, 20 January 2009.

Rated 8.00 with standard deviation 0.93 on 7 evaluations.

Part 1 of 6.

Part 2 of 6.

Part 3 of 6.

Part 4 of 6.

Part 5 of 6.

Part 6 of 6.

The End. Keep Reading The Posts.

Rate this episode, if that's OK?

Welcome, Won't You?

The End.
Keep Reading The Posts.